Some people will always be my favourite

Last night I dreamed about work and there was Nasri involved as well. I woke up thinking maybe he's gone to KL already.

Wherever he is, I wish him happiness and success. Thank you for everything Nash.

---

Today I dented the car at the automatic car wash. I was queueing and didn't realise there was a metal bar to my right and bamm! The car wash guy laughed at me and told me to get the car fixed or else "abah marah".

My colleagues were asking why I don't buy a car. Well obviously because all the fund for that goes to repairing all the family car(s) I screwed.

You're my sunshine after the rain

Dr. Zafran's phone rang and caller ID came up as "Mustakamal". He picked up the call but told me to answer it. "Mustaqim tu. Jawab la."

Me: Hello?
Dr. Mus: Hello? Nak cakap dengan Zafran.
Me: Ni siapa ye?
Dr. Mus with a made up gruff voice: Ni John.
Me LOLing: Ada ape ye nak cakap dengan Dr. Zafran?
Dr. Mus: Ada la.
Dr. Zafran: Cakap saya tengah berak.
Me, couldn't believe I was going to say this: Dia tengah berak.
Dr. Mus: Suruh dia call balik lepas dah habis lap.

I immediately rolled on the floor and gave the phone to Dr. Zafran. They continued the conversation like normal dudes.

God these people XD

---

Earlier today I walked with Nasri from the ward's main entrance to the Hospimart. He asked me if I was coping okay. I was slightly surprised by his question but answered I am doing well. I told him I'm in Paeds now, feeling restless from being jobless. He said it was good that I'm (basically) having a break.

I told him I was previously in Uro for a month. He asked why. I told him about the messed up rotation and poor Tihi. He said I must be good now in Urology. I laughed. I told him at least I only spent a week with Mr. Azam. He asked if I passed my assessment. I told him I did, signed by Mr. Azhan.

I asked him how was he doing in Red noting that he looked saddened, somewhat demotivated compared to when he was in Green. He said it pained. I nodded in understanding, confirming that his ears and heart were pained. He said he was oncall last night and KIV his admissions be picked out for questioning. I wished him the best and we parted at the Hospimart, him going inside and me back to my ward.

I was happy to have walked with him, and would always find a reason to if I have the opportunity. And I am praying God make him happy as Nasri has made me happy and coping well in Surgery. It would probably be harder for me to adapt if it wasn't for his "Atiqah senyum sikit" on my first day on the job and for that I will always be grateful for him.

---

That evening I told my oncall MO Dr. Zafran that I'll be in Ward 26 helping my gang discharge patient. On the way there guess who I met?

None other but my favourite HO Wong! I was happy that I would have hugged him but of course I can't. We chatted, asking where each of us are posted right now and I wished him the best as we parted, me for Ward 26 and him towards the parking lot I presumed.

I remembered that I met Nasri this morning, now Wong. My lucky day.

25 yo Malay lady, unhappy TRO cause

Aku sayang Mr. Zaidi. Dalam aku tengah unhappy TRO cause dalam Uro ni, asal aku nampak dia mesti aku light up.

Tadi aku dekat counter discharge patient. Muka serious buat kerja senyap2. Tetiba Green lalu, Mr. Zaidi last2. Aku nyaris tak tegur dia.

"Salam Mr. Zaidi." Aku sengih.

"Wassalam warahmatullah." Beliau jawab sambil senyum dan jalan. Aku pandang komputer balik. Noted bos tetiba berhenti dan paling.

"Hanifah!" Muka bos sengih macam saje cari pasal dengan aku. "Awak team mana sekarang?"

"Saya Uro Mr. Zaidi." Aku sengih sebelah muka helpless.

"Oo." Beliau pun berjalan pergi.

"Mr. Zaidi selamatkan sayaaa!" Aku nyaris terjerit kuat. Tapi orang sekeliling dengar je. Huh. Aku nak masuk General semula.

Adibah tanya apsal Mr. Zaidi panggil aku nama ayah aku. "Last name," aku sengih balik.

Adakah muka senyap aku macam muka papa?

---

I wish Nash will ask me if I'm okay or not. I want to reply him I have been happier. And then what, I don't know. Maybe he'll tell me to go eat or something. And I'll give him my Snickers safely tucked in my pocket for times like this.

Perhaps I have been happier because I used to have more chances of greeting my daily (or EOD) "Hai Nash."

Need more sunshines.

Have a have a good night

I remembered a branula I failed to insert last night that I informed the nurse and documented in the BHT that I will attempt later, closer to the time of the patient's next dose of IV antibiotics. Kak Nafisah was the nurse in charge, so I ran towards her.

"Kak! Saya tak pasang lagi branula Bed 27." I wondered why she didn't remind me or call me. No call came in to remind me and I was asleep at 4am.

"Hmm patient dah habis masuk ubat dah."

"Eh sape pasang?"

"Akak."

"Waah awesomenya akak! Terima kasih!" I hugged her. Hahahahaha. She is also a senior staff nurse U32 and one of my favourite four.

"Doktor kena belanja nasi kerabu."

"Nasi kerabu je kak? Minta la Secret Recipe ke.. Noodle Station sedap!"

---

Nasri messaged me then asking about patient's update. He kept asking about the acute bed who is currently well but I wanted to report to him of Bed 9. So I ditched his messages after answering all his questions and directly called him. He picked up later after five rings. I wondered why since he just replied my message so his phone should be in his hand. I realised the answer when he picked up.

"Ye Tiqah?" He greeted with sore morning croak. Hahaha seronok ye tidur semalam. He spent the entire phonecall clearing his throat with me grinning into the receiver.

Always choose to be proud and happy

Umair seems to be happy when she reads of my miserable moments, so let me share one just in case everyone else thinks I am gullibly happily working with no worries.

Today I was allocated to the OT. Our team rules regarding OT stated that:
1) the person going to the OT SHOULD NOT review patients in the morning in view of no one to properly present the case during AM round.
2) if s/he does review, passover properly
3) should the team were unable to answer to the specialists during round, don't give "orang yang review masuk OT" as an excuse.

So today I came to work and felt jobless. My teammate M was oncall last night and he looked busy and miserable. So helpful me went and asked him,

"What can I help with except for reviewing? I'm on OT duty today."

He looked at me thinking and said, "Just go and review."

"Okay..." And so I picked the nearest patient to me who I reviewed her post op yesterday. Day 1 post op bla3 currently tolerating orally well, throbbing op site otherwise tolerable pain bla3.

While I was reviewing, our team leader noticed me as he came to review the next bed.

"Eh? You're reviewing?" He looked surprised but maintained his happy face.

"Yeah I asked M if I could help with anything and he asked me to review."

"Alright. Passover to me."

I noted her dressing was stained with hemoserous, so I discussed this with A and he suggested for me to write the plan for the outer dressing to be changed and to leave the dressing to the nurses. It was 7am plus. Today's round will start at 9am so the nurses should have plenty time to carry out my plan, I have to go to OT before 8.

After I was done, I presented the case to him including my findings and my plan. "Would you prefer to examine the patient yourself?" I added understandingly.

"Yes," he grinned.

And then I went for OT. After the op was done, one of my MO came just out of the round and asked why didn't I passover the case I reviewed properly to my teammates. I asked her to elaborate more because I didn't understand what was going on.

"Boss was mad because the dressing was soaked. And M said the one who reviewed the case went into OT."

I felt grim. Wth was going on. Nice of you to turn on me like this when it was you who asked me to review and when there's no me to defend myself... nevermind. And what happened to A? I passed over to him.

"When I reviewed this morning, the dressing was not soaked. I noted she felt throbbing at her op site but no pain, and the dressing was stained not soaked. I planned for the outer to be changed and I passed all this to my teammate." Heck it was A who suggested for that plan. What happened to him and me passing the case over? Did it not happen?

"Ooh okay then. Just next time make sure the dressing isn't even stained when the boss comes for round. They don't care how many times you change the dressing."

"Okay doctor."

And I felt grim the whole day. I realized what kind of person M was and I thought never mind him, what is important is that I never do such a thing to my colleague. And I don't want to be a person who wouldn't help him in the future just because of what he did. I will treat everyone nicely because I want to be a good person.

I finished my job at the elective OT and halfway back to the ward my phone connection returned (ACC building has the worst coverage in the whole hospital) and I realised one of my friend covered for me in the emergency OT. So I called him and told him I would go to cover his duty at his ward.

Done deal. I didn't want to go to my earlier ward and deal with M and A, but I went anyway to get my bag and water bottle. M and A were settling the post AM round job and didn't acknowledge me... and I didn't feel like either. But I still felt grim. I need a hug or sunshine sightings.. huhu where are the Green team when I need them?

I saw Fadzlin in the procedure room doing some form work and I went over to her.

"Zelin I need a hug."

And so she gave me a hug and asked why. I told her what happened and she said,

"Ahh. M. He did about the same thing to me yesterday. I got scolded by Dr. Ann because of him."

"What did he do?"

"Later I'll tell you. I need to go to the casualty." And off Zelin go after reassuring me. I went to the ward upstairs and silently settle loose jobs and PM review. Then I noticed A wrote in our WhatsApp group asking the morning OT person to cover Pofin who went in the emergency OT and stated,

"and make sure to review properly" plus his smiley face.

And I felt grimmer, haha... Basically he implied that I didn't review the patient properly. Never mind, I'm still learning and I am not as good as they are. I will learn and be better.

But what did I do wrong? I was too grim to ask them now and this was the sort of things to be dealt with face to face. Nevermind, I will go and review the BHT later after I was done with this ward.

When I went down later, the patient was already discharged.

---

I told this to dad but he only listened in silence while his gaze fixed on the TV he wasn't even watching. After I changed the topic to management of CDH only he replied me.

I guess I could never complain to dad. I should not complain to dad. This is just one of the things he probably faced and now it's my turn.

---

Anyway, the day ended nicely. I was reviewing some cases with K my other teammate and we were standing in the hallway. I saw Nasri coming and despite in a discussion, I turned to him just as he neared and clearly greeted him,

"Hai Nash."

"Hai Atiqah." I could hear his smile. And then I resumed discussing, noticing K's minute change in expression. But I don't care. It felt good to properly greet him, hahahaha.

And today I walked out of the ward with Wong my favourite house officer, Mr. Wong as we call him. He asked me again where did I live and I replied him,

"Lunde," with a grin.

"Ala I lupa Atiqah orang Kelantan, asyik ingat tinggal kat kuarters je."

I grinned. His response when he first realised I am a Kelantanese was "cis kurang asam, tak kecek Kelate pun!"

"Saya jiran Mr. Zuraimi, selang dua rumah."

"Yeke!" Wong lighted up. And he proceeded to ask how big was his house, what car he drives, what does his wife do, how old are the kids and ultimately how old was Mr. Z when he got married.

Hahahaha Wong is such a gossip monger.

Always greet your elders

One time I was otw to the oncall room and I bumped into Bakemal Huzaifah. You know, Gen04 ASU I think. I barely greeted him and that was our first encounter at the hospital, but he turned to my MOs Dr. Azizi and Dr. Ang who were sitting on the couch and said to them,

"Korang dah marah belum budak ni? Marah je."

I laughed while my MOs looked on semi confused. Supportive super senior indeed, thanks.

The other day I saw him in my ward reviewing a Urology patient with his team of Anaes. I would have gone and greeted him "Hai Bakemal" if he was alone, but he wasn't and I was still borderline unsure of him so I decided maybe later.

But later he was gone.

Moral of the story: whatever happens, be a good kid and greet your elders.

---

Speaking of which, today I bumped into Nasri multiple times but had not the pleasure of greeting him. I stood there waiting for him to glance at me but he did not. Granted he was in a round one time and discussing case with his team another time, but if he would look up just one moment and see me with my ready smile and my short "Hai Nash", we could get this over with.

Anyway. When he feels like looking up, I'll be around with my greetings. Even my MOs I greet properly, what more him as a Cairo senior and a BPP mentor. He might not think this is a big deal, but respecting my seniors and upholding my history as a Cairo graduate is a big deal to me. Haha.

Moral of the story: whatever happens, be a good kid and greet your elders.

---

Today Dr. Azizi pointedly looked at me and assigned me the responsibility of ensuring one patient's preop hypertension is under control otherwise the anaes might cancel her op.

"Kalau tak esok saya cari awak."

I grinned reassuringly. I would have taken him more seriously if he didn't look at me like that bwahaha. Anyway I endorsed her anti-HPT medication already... and I'll review her first thing tomorrow.

---

On another note, today as I was clerking a patient, Pofin came to take her blood. Faster work like that. He seemed amused when he heard me talking to the patient, but I took it as him being amiable with the patient.

At the counter, suddenly Pofin said with a grin "panda Tiqah kecek Kelate. 'Diyo start gano kak?'"

I turned to him. "Kau puji ke perli?"

"Puji la."

And I gleefully turned to Meksu who was sitting near and claimed her shoulder. "Dengar tu Pofin puji Bahasa Kelantan aku!"

I felt proud wahaha. Meksu has been complaining about my Bahasa Kelantan ever since we were first years and I swore off talking in Bahasa Kelantan with my Cairo batch because Meksu once commented I sounded like a Siamese.

Anyway, later I realised Pofin probably didn't realise I am a Kelantanese so he shouldn't have complimented me. Hahaha... now it turned into a mockery.

One sunshine at a time

Malam tadi tengah oncall round tetiba Dr. Adham bisik "awak anak Dr. Hanifah kan?"

Ape aku dah buat? Kenapa nama ayah aku naik?

"Ye saya anak dia. Kenapa doktor?" Jawab sambil tengok depan sebab Dr. Mulianis tengah see patient.

"Awak la Atiqah kan?"

Hai saya baru seminggu lebih sikit tinggal Green doktor dah tak cam saya ke? Tahu la cabut spek. "Yes saya Atiqah. Doktor kenal ayah saya?"

"Tak, tak kenal." Rasa snapped jap. Papa second oldest in service in the entire hospital kot! Haha. "Okey, lepas ni study surface anatomy of the liver. Nanti saya tanya."

Hahahaha ni ikut Mr. Zaidi yang target saya sebab saya anak bos dia ke ape ni? "Haha orait bos."

Tengah malam tu Dr. Adham minta aku gi ICU cek patient sebab dia call HO oncall Green tak angkat. Maka berlari la Atiqoh sebab takut nak tinggal wad takde doktor lama-lama, aku ada patient leaking descending thoracic aortic aneurysm with unstable BP dan sorang lagi with pneumothorax Dr. Mulianis dah warn jangan pagi esok jumpa rigor mortis pulak.

---

Pagi tadi aku tersengguk dalam HO Teaching. Rasa bersalah sebab last-last tu Mr. Ken yang conduct, sampai harini saya rasa bersalah dengan beliau sebab tak sempat review sorang acute bed satu masa yang lalu. Habis teaching I was allocated to clinic, maka pergi la saya yang cuma sempat tukar stokin dan tudung dari petang semalam. Okay la petang semalam sempat mandi.

Was the first doctor to reach the clinic. Dr. Azizi nampak aku dia terus "dik pergi tutup pintu" nada mengarah tetiba dia gelak sebab aku automatic obey. Pastu dia "dik awak hutang saya satu IV line."

"Terima kasih doktor pasangkan branula semalam," I replied. My AM teammates tried five times and failed. Who am I to poke the patient a sixth time? Cari MO terus la. He succeeded in his second trial, tu pun pakai blue branula. Katanya tu lebih senang.

In my defence, I succeeded 2 branulas in one go semalam, another on second go, satu bunk and tak sempat nak pasang balik team asal dia dah take over, dan sorang pakcik I failed twice and asked senior HO for help.

Hajat nak menuntut di klinik dengan Mr. Imi tapi Mr. Imi MIA, beg je atas kerusi. Dr. Mulianis pun energetic macam biasa pagi hari lagi dia nasihat aku dengan nada yang friendlier dari biasa. Kesian dia terpaksa handle aku yang noob dari dulu sampai sudah. See, she's warming up to me! Dr. Azizi gelakkan aku masa Dr. Mulianis komplen aku pegang henset dalam klinik, padahal dia yang suruh aku panggil lagi dua HO masuk klinik. Hahah. So aku pun hang out dengan Dr. Azizi...

Patient ramai tapi tersekat sebab nak kena call HUSM la, budak ni la, komputer jam la, itu la, ini la. Boss is not someone who is subtle with his exasperation. Bila dia keluar bilik je, I felt obliged to smoothen things with the patients and ask them to pray for me, us and Dr. Azizi because when Allah make someone sick, He grant their prayers more.

Sape la aku nak komen klinik habis pukul 2pm bila boss yang sama2 dalam klinik adalah the same boss yang oncall sekali malam tadi. Dr. Azizi menguap macam cocaine addict tengah klinik tadi.

---

Masa nak balik wad, bertembung Cik Som yang baru discharge. Salam tunduk kepala dengan dia. Pak Cik Sani bagus dari dulu setiap pagi nampak aku greet by name. Hehe. Semoga terus kuat dan kita jumpa mana-mana selain dari sebagai pesakit dan doktor :P

Nampak Nasri menuju wad maka cepat-cepat lari supaya boleh jalan sekali.

"Hai Nash!"
"Hai Atiqah. Dah makan?"

Hehe Nasri dah tak tanya saya okay ke tak, mungkin sebab nampak hyper macam monyet. Kalau tembung mesti dia tanya pasal solat or makan... Though I should ask him. Dia yang keding obviously needs fattening up.

"Belum!"
"Puasa ke?"
"Sejak breakfast semalam. Postcall haha."
"Pergi balik cepat."
"Okkey~"

I guess in a way this is me missing Egypt. Jumpa senior je excited, Nash pulak tu. Plus the fact I hardly see sunshine so this is me compensating.

---

Seronok gak tak tidur semalaman pastu balik rumah sempat tidur dua jam sebelum terjaga teammate call tanya OT ape aku masuk assist haritu. Dengar suara Dr. Mulianis di latar. Pastu aku tak tidur dah. Along kagum how I handle sleep deprivation. I credit my years of training pre HO, hahaha.

I guess in medicine there's no such thing as pity, we're all in this together.

Kepada Nasri

Nash ni asal jumpa aku je "Atiqah, okay?" Today I answered super enthusiastic "Okay!" sambil pusing 180° mengadap dia dan gave a thumb up. Dia tengah jalan dengan Hafizah masa tu. Aku pulak kena attend patient. So sempat selisih je la.

Keluar cubicle nampak dia dekat kaunter. Maka saya berjalan riang ke arahnya dalam kepala dah ada ayat 'Nash sihat? Suka dah ke Surgery?' lol seterusnya 'Tanya la camne training, seronok Red, rindu Green tak? Bosan la asyik tanya okay je hehe.'

Sebab bila dia tanya "okay?" I don't have the heart to answer more than "okay!" even when the answer is not "okay". Takkan nak kata "tak". How do you proceed with a conversation like that? I appreciate him very much for keeping tabs on me and I understand it was his way of showing his care, but I just want to have a normal conversation with my senior...

Tapi dekat kaunter ada Izni dan Wong. Tak best kalau buat Nash segan. Maka saya pun berjalan melintasi belakang beliau sambil "Hai Nash."

His first sentence to me will be my tangkal to succeed this 2 years

Tetiba tengah round, MO sebelah berpaling kepala dan tanya "Mana spek?"

"Ada kat bawah." Tinggal dekat rumah sebenarnya. Entah kenapa tertipu, compulsive liar betul.

"Nampak tak?"

"Nampaaaak." I grinned.

---

Reviewing cases with MOs. HO sebelum ni tulis dalam BHT "Seen by Dr. X dan Dr. Y" so I hurriedly wrote the same heading diikuti dengan details patient.

Tetiba Nash di sebelah kata "tulislah nama saya etek, kecik hati saya."

Cute. I snorted at my thought and wrote his real name. I didn't mean to offend him, I'm a tagger, first posting pulak tu, you do what other people do unless you know what is the right thing to do. I remember he has been a good mentor to me PERU*ATAN bureaucracy wise but I didn't remember he was this cute before.

"Sini takde orang panggil Nash ye?" I continued with the BHT.

"Sini panggil Nasrullah.. Kadang-kadang Nas, Nasrul."

"Oh bukan Nasri?" I jested.

He said I can call him whatever I want.

"Panggil Nash je la," I said. Or Nasri. But it might be confusing. And then I realised he deserved more credit to his name. I only call him Nash upfront or when I refer him to our university batchmates. When I refer to him in front of everyone else especially the superiors, I call him by his proper name and title.

Nasri kata saya lukis abdomen "tak comel". Dia pun tolong lukiskan. Haha.. Okey lepas ni saya lukis secomel itu. And masa Akram present berterabur kitorang berdua berdiri macam dua orang yang sikit lagi nak pecah perut lucu slash takpuashati apehal mamat ni memalukan Egypt. Hahaha.

Asobiyah BPP!

Updated Friday 18th September

Hari Selasa was officially my second day on duty tapi semalamnya cuma kerja 6.45pm sampai 11pm je. Pagi itu tak sempat greet Nash properly pun selain daripada "Hai Nash" masa first lalu sebelah dia during Mortality Audit. Nash then had a pleasantly surprised reaction.

Hari Selasa adalah Grand Round Green dan masa tu separa serabut separa fokus cuba nak catch up dengan sistem Malaysia. Berjalan keluar dari wad menuju wad yang lain, tiba-tiba Nash di depan berkata "Atiqah senyum sikit."

I automatically lit up. "Okay!"

And truthfully, I survived the next two weeks of awkward adaptation process by holding on to those words. Rasa serabut walau sedikit pun, saya terus sengih. Smiling (or grinning) has an immediate calming effect.

So Nash, if you ever come across this, know that I really appreciate what you said. And with this, I promise to be a good helpful friend to anyone who might need one.

And this has got me singing "you're my sunshine after the rain~" lol.

Between being related and being brothers

Scrolling through Twitter cleaning up rubbish tweets, I came upon Dr. Du Maurier quote in Hannibal.

"The traumatised are unpredictable because we know we can survive."

I got through the fire episode with the help of support from people. I remember going to evening class Day 1 after fire and got a call from Malaysia. It was Eh*ad our senior from Gen06 asking how we were holding up. I'm not sure if I really told him how appreciative I was back then, but please know that I am.

The day before I was going back to Malaysia for a month during the study leave, I had baked cookies to give away to several people and the last on my list was B*pis. That night after our nightly clerking at the hospital, I asked Rahim and Amirul to chaperone me to meet B*pis to pass him the cookies.

Rahim being true to himself started to tease me about it (I remain amazed how this prankster actually got voted as president of our student organisation) and I defended myself by telling them "D*nmat is like my abang long, he has been looking out for me since first year."

"Which senior doesn't look out for you?" He pointed out. 

Rahim exaggerated of course, but I know I'm always being looked out for and I am very grateful for it. They taught me a lot, layan-ed me when I go into mohon-dilempang mode, go outside their comfort zone for me, allow me the privilege of buzzing them whenever I need anything. But of course I tolerated more of their craziness, their ordering around and bullying-attempts... just kidding.

To all kakaks and abangs including the Gen06 and Gen007 bros I never call abang and special mention to BPP crews, thank you very much and God bless you all wherever you guys are now.

This is why Farah Nur is menyampah with me

Farah Nur was locked in the house and couldn't go back to her own so she was still there when I got back just now.

"Nah ada kek coklat. E*mad bagi. Kenal kan?"

Apparently this Ain Shams friend of mine was not familiar with the final year seniors of Cairo University.

"Kenapa dia bagi kau?" Farah Nur cocked an eyebrow.

"Aku kan junior yang disayangi ramai."

"Eeeeeee menyampah!"

"Haha."

"Untungla jadi junior kesayangan ramai."

"Mesti la. (insert another senior's name) yang tak pergi program PERU*ATAN pun datang sebab aku public speaking."

Kak Milah ran out of the room, nearly choking on the piece of cake she was eating. Farah Nur dropped onto the floor screeching a prolonged "Menyampahnya!" at my remark.

HARU FTW hahaha.

---

Okay that was fun. Need to get a grip on myself.