Abe Din

We have this 51 years old patient in the ward who insisted we call him Abe Din, which by default I wouldn't because of his age. Anyway, today we observed Wong doing a procedure on him so we all gathered and chatted with Abe Din.

Abe Din called me "Kecik" because of my size. Wong told him to call me by my pretty name "Tiqah" but Abe Din said the name is not pretty at all and he will call me Kecik as he liked. I grinned helplessly at them.

Later I secured his line with 3M as per requested by Abe Din and we talked a bit. He called me Tiqah and referred to himself as pakcik.

I guess I'll forever be the kid.

Noted

I felt like Dr. H is noting me for our joblist. Like when patient was for CVL and then he who stood to my left with three other HOs between us, turned to me and addressed me to prepare all needed equipments and to assist him.

And when post OGDS patient was having low BP and he picked me out of the other Black HOs at the counter to instruct me to monitor her BP hourly and to inform him if remain low for three readings.

"Okay boss."

"If persistent low BP, patient for CVL."

"Doktor pasang?"

"Atiqah buat terus la." He grinned.

"Ye beres bos," I replied him with my yeah-right face.

And when today, we finished round and he was heading for OT. He asked us who was the HO for OT today and then,

"Atiqah. Masuk OT?"

It felt very much like an invitation. But I had an assessment right after that so I couldn't be in the OT. I looked at him, wanting to take up on his offer but...

"Hasmira masuk. Tu dia dah kat luar."

I want to keep being noted...

Mood stabilising spectacles

Spek patah Khamis baru ni. Terjatuh dari poket masa tengah lari nak pergi request urgent portable CXR sebab Abang Chua desat masa tengah buat CVL. Maka harini pergi kerja tak pakai spek dan rasa pelik. I want my spec. Let me not wear it when I don't want to wear it, not because I cannot wear it.

Tengahari tadi tetiba Dr. H panggil aku dan bagi order management for patient. Kaunter ramai orang bercakap sambil-sambil tu tapi aku memang fokus dengar ape Dr. H tengah cakap pun. Nasri ada kat sebelah Dr. H dia pun kata "Atiqah dengar molek ape Dr. H cakap tu kesian dia cakap takde orang dengar."

"Saya dengar ni, dua-dua telinga saya tadah."

Dr. H said something yang macam kenakan aku tapi aku tak pickup vocab Kelantan yang dia guna while everyone was laughing at what he said. Aku pun tarik muka dan jeling dia as safe response to when someone is teasing you.

Nasri tetiba tukar topik. "Atiqah mane spek?"

Ni kali kedua Nasri address isu spek aku. One of these days I'll tell him aku dah buat LASIK.

"Spek saya patah!"

"Spek Atiqah patah masa dia tengah kejar Dr. H," Pofin membuat cerita.

"Ooh patut la nampak lain," Dr. H kata. Lol tak lojik langsung ayat.

Harini semua orang komen aku muka macam postcall sebab nampak serabut. And I did feel serabut. By 4pm aku dah membentak dengan rakan sebaya

Hanisah tengah passover. Meksu tetiba suruh dia tulis benda yang nak passover tu atas kertas.

"Kau tulis je la sendiri." Aku tetiba cakap kat Meksu.

"Bukan aku suruh kau pun," Meksu jawab balik.

"Kau menyuruh Hanisah, dia budak paling baik kot."

"Takpe tulis je tak susah," Hanisah mendamaikan keadaan.

dan menjawab dengan akak nurse.

"Doktor Black?"

"Ye. Kenapa." Tak pandang pun sebab tengah buat discharge.

"Patient temperature dah 38.1 dan still tachy-"

"Patient mane?" Suara keras malas layan. "Black ramai patient."

"Woah gedebe Atiqah." Afiq mencelah.

Kak nurse buat tak perasan aku tak jawab dengan sopan. "Patient mane lagi tengah blood transfusion, patient-"

"Ah bed 14."

Aku rasa spek aku berfungsi sebagai mood stabiliser.

Hepatoma

Harini off. Isnin ni ramai geng start PTM so I was on WhatsApp with Ara. Suddenly a notification came as new message from one of my bosses.

My mind rushed with several thoughts:
1. Good God what did I do!!
2. Did I forgot a job at work? Tapi semalam lagi aku off.
3. Ada patient yang aku pernah review collapse and it was because I didn't note any abnormalities ke?
4. Gaaaah ape aku dah buat!!

I automatically read his message despite he was just on his polite greetings. Please I don't usually do this. Then came the third line:

"Dah call ke patient hepatoma tu?"

I breathed. Hahaha. And quickly reassured my boss of the details of me doing what he asked me on Thursday.

Boss said thanks and as usual I replied no problem. But he shouldn't have. Next time boss thank me, I'm gonna tell him about لا شكر على واجب.

Percent

I was working on the first day of Eid Adha. Second day of Eid I had the day off and the only raya visiting I did was to Wa's aqiqah for her baby Busyra in Wakaf Bharu. Third day of Eid I was oncall and it was fun. For some reason so far I am enjoying my calls despite little sleep and the stress and all. I still find it to grin, laugh and goof around.

Anyway, that day one of my oncall MOs was Dr. H. During round he asked me "Atiqah korban tak tahun ni?"

I chuckled back. "Saya kerja raya first."

"Bagus la, berkorban la tu. Berkorban ada banyak cara."

"Yeah.. Saya mengorbankan diri." I muttered jokingly at that notion. I didn't exactly feel sacrificed, it wasn't hard for me to come to work on a day where we celebrate sacrifices.

He continued saying it is not how big or small you're contributing but whether you're sincere or not. Now as I am writing this, I forgot his exact words and partially remembered his points, but I remember thinking he is a good person and I felt glad to be given a piece of tazkirah. I'd take one anytime these days.

Yesterday at usrah Kak Joy said similar things. What is important is not how much you give, but how much is left for yourself. A man giving RM9000 away and be left with RM1000 is different from a man who gave away RM90 and left with RM10.

I do things, I work but I don't know... Is it hard? Ward work isn't hard. I somewhat avoid my MOs who make me feel awkward and stick around with MOs who give me earfuls. I dislike clinic duties especially on my postcall days and OT duties sometimes bore me. I am lazy to study when I get home...

So I guess those are the mujahadah I need to work on.

But the biggest question: how much percent of my energy, money and time have I contributed to tarbiyah and dakwah?

Stress is in the mind of the beholder.

Harini tetiba bersin berderet dan rasa nak demam. Mungkin sebab sekarang hujan and petang tadi pasang aircond.

Mungkin sebab subconsciously I am thinking of being oncall esok, third day of Raya, a Sabtu somemore. The day where people will flock to the hospital for every reason under the sun. Haha. But it's okay, I believe Allah will only give me what I can handle.

And then jadual next week keluar. My next call on Tuesday! Patut la rasa nak demam. Esok oncall, lusa postcall, pastu AM, pastu oncall balik. Nice. We can do this!

And Ahad ni masuk Black Team ("blackish stool" as Nadiah calls it), Ahad also their grand ward round day and my postcall day. Mr. Zuraimi jiran aku is bos Black. Beliau rajin menyoal.. jangan la dia asyik target aku huuuu. Postcall bukan alasan otak lembab. Aku harap malam ni aku study banyak-banyak dengan ingatan yang kuat dan kerajinan yang jitu, ameen.

On the bright side, nasib baik bukan Urology. Kalau Uro mungkin aku mati terus. Dan esok oncall ada Dr. Helmi sengal though I'm not sure what's so bright about it.

"Sebagai HO, kerja awak adalah pastikan semua orang sekeliling awak gembira." - En. Zahir to us during first day on the job briefing

After I successfully bleed my patient for a renal profile stat that afternoon, I sent it for lab. My boss ordered me to "Refer Medical for CKD. Amik RP stat."

It was 12 plus. The result will be ready close to 1pm. As a courtesy to fellow doctors, I don't feel right referring non urgent cases during 1-2 pm. At 2 pm my boss will start PM round and the first question for me will be

"Dah refer Medical belum?"

And at this point, I would be answering truthfully "Belum-" and boss's face will change...

Logically we should refer once all data ready, but.. I don't know.

Nasri happened to be sitting beside me while I was contemplating. As pleased I was at having his company and not be confined to one "Hai Nash" greeting per day, I felt scrutinised. I knew he would be listening and I would be queried.

So I decided to call Medical anyway despite the current RP result in progress and inform the oncall MO as to why we're concerned of this patient's kidney profile. And as expected, she scolded me and told me to call her back once the result was ready. I happily thanked her because that was exactly the words I wanted to hear.

"Medical nak result dulu?" His tone was stating the obvious. I was grateful he regarded me intelligent enough to not tell me what I should have done instead.

"Yep. At least dah refer," while I documented "spoken to Dr. N (Medical), she requested an update on RP result once ready" in the patient's BHT.

When I think about it, that was a "asal lepas" kind of answer. I wasn't proud of that answer, but I really needed to have something to answer to my bosses. You haven't meet the Red bosses yet. Some of them would shoot me "awak tak menjawab soalan saya" if I answer "tunggu result RP keluar baru nak refer". I just wanted to answer with "Dah" followed by whatever buts in the world.

Anyway, I called her back at 2 pm just to inform her that the blood urea and creatinine were normal, which I bet from her tone and choice of words when I called her earlier would shot me again for not waiting for the result before calling her in the first place, basically saving us from having to deal with each other today. But it went to voicemail. I called later at 2.20 pm and again went to voicemail.

I felt God was totally on my side then because immediately after that my round started and I was lucky enough to have an answer of "Dah refer Medical, she asked for an update when result ready. Result dah siap. Urea creat normal, tapi patient hypokalemia 2.9." Lol.

Had I wait till 2 pm to refer, I wouldn't have referred the case at all before round and would have been at the receiving end of "dik saya suruh awak refer Medical kan!" should the urea creat results were abnormal.

I wish Nasri will read this, haha.

Back home I discussed my situation with dad and he said;

(A) yes I should have waited for the result before referring, but next time I should just say "the result is still in progress, but we would appreciate it very much if you could still take a look at this patient."

(B) dad understood my dilemma of having to please my bosses and everyone else around me. He said I should try to balance this. How, he didn't say. I guess some things are to be figured out by experience.

(C) as a medical-based consultant, dad had more problems with surgical than they ever had with him. "They're always late." One time ago dad had a suspected case of intestinal obstruction. His team referred to Surgical and the MO said he will come review later. I don't know how late was later but when dad was doing round and Surgical had yet to review the patient, dad called the then HOD and said "your surgeons are lazy."

The then HOD scolded his MO and said MO came to review the case on the spot. And subsequently the surgeons all were angry at dad. "Kami bergaduh masa tu."

And I thought, maybe being targetted as Dr. Hanifah's kid was a result of their feud back then. Dear God.

---

The same medical MO I referred her for an updated management for one of our patient under their care for HAP diagnosed on the 17th who we wanted to discharge. I told her patient had been afebrile for the past few days, comfortable under room air, no cough nor SOB, tolerating orally well, lungs minimal crept at left lower zone...

"Platelet?"

"Last result was 19th-"

She scolded me because the latest FBC was 19th and no one cared to repeat FBC after that. "Macam mana awak tahu patient dah okay?! FBC pun tak repeat!"

I had no answer for that. We only repeated daily calcium haha FML.

"Calcium je jaga! Kalau nak discharge sangat, tukar la jadi tab cefuroxime! HAP pun tak reti manage ke?!"

Truthfully I wanted to answer "Saya tak tahu, sorry first poster noob. Kalau saya tahu pun boleh ke saya tukar je management Medical? Boss Surgical saya pun tak buat camtu." But she was obviously having a bad day and as a wiseass I know when to be wise and when to be an ass.

I replied her with a bright smile instead. "Okay, terima kasih doktor. Nak bagi berapa lama ya?" She answered curtly and hung up.

Then I realised; what dose?! What dose?! Gaaa what dose?! Why these people think I know everything!

---

For another patient with diverticulitis keen for discharge, I don't know what to change IV Cefobid 1gm BD to oral. So I searched in the Blue Book. In vain. So I asked Wong as he was nearest but his answer was so fast and I sort of heard-not-heard what he said. I then asked my teammates but no one replied. Should I call my MO to ask about drugs- nah, no way, nuh uh.

So I messaged the best MO in the world, Bawarouq. Haha manja gile... I was ashamed of myself but felt very grateful. He even wished me "ganbatte!"

Sigh. I need to work harder and study smarter.

---

Speaking of branulas, Arif inserted one on Cik Mala this morning. It was pink and Arif inserted it (to me) in a weird angle of her dorsum. Patient complained of pain later in the evening and boss ordered the branula be changed.

It would have been the fourth branula for Cik Mala. K tried and failed twice, so I was up next because I was the only other Red in the ward who hasn't try yet. Arif and K are my senior HOs and I was sort of amused at the third trier be the less experienced of all.

So I sat next to Cik Mala, assured her, searched for a vein while K observed and Arif behind me telling me to hurry up because he was standby in case I failed. I got the branula in in one go, no bunk. Nicely done.

Arif complimented me hehehehehehe. I felt proud. And for the sake of Cik Mala I hope the branula stays good.

---

I saw Dr. Adham in the morning and greeted him. I last saw him during my oncall Sunday last week. Later near afternoon I was at the counter doing paperworks and he had some other case with his team HO near me. I merely greeted him. As he finished the discussion, he passed beside me and asked,

"Okey dik? Beres?"

"Beres," I replied. I wasn't sure what that was about, I half thought he was going to viva me the surface anatomy of liver right there and then. It felt weird to be asked that so suddenly, did I look grim?

But I appreciate the gesture. Hehehe. And I forgot to wish him Selamat Hari Raya.

---

We started with 15 patients for Red team and ended with 5 patients. Haha 10 dischargessssssss!

Granted post Eid will be a feast of work for us, but I'll be happy while I can.

Always choose to be proud and happy

Umair seems to be happy when she reads of my miserable moments, so let me share one just in case everyone else thinks I am gullibly happily working with no worries.

Today I was allocated to the OT. Our team rules regarding OT stated that:
1) the person going to the OT SHOULD NOT review patients in the morning in view of no one to properly present the case during AM round.
2) if s/he does review, passover properly
3) should the team were unable to answer to the specialists during round, don't give "orang yang review masuk OT" as an excuse.

So today I came to work and felt jobless. My teammate M was oncall last night and he looked busy and miserable. So helpful me went and asked him,

"What can I help with except for reviewing? I'm on OT duty today."

He looked at me thinking and said, "Just go and review."

"Okay..." And so I picked the nearest patient to me who I reviewed her post op yesterday. Day 1 post op bla3 currently tolerating orally well, throbbing op site otherwise tolerable pain bla3.

While I was reviewing, our team leader noticed me as he came to review the next bed.

"Eh? You're reviewing?" He looked surprised but maintained his happy face.

"Yeah I asked M if I could help with anything and he asked me to review."

"Alright. Passover to me."

I noted her dressing was stained with hemoserous, so I discussed this with A and he suggested for me to write the plan for the outer dressing to be changed and to leave the dressing to the nurses. It was 7am plus. Today's round will start at 9am so the nurses should have plenty time to carry out my plan, I have to go to OT before 8.

After I was done, I presented the case to him including my findings and my plan. "Would you prefer to examine the patient yourself?" I added understandingly.

"Yes," he grinned.

And then I went for OT. After the op was done, one of my MO came just out of the round and asked why didn't I passover the case I reviewed properly to my teammates. I asked her to elaborate more because I didn't understand what was going on.

"Boss was mad because the dressing was soaked. And M said the one who reviewed the case went into OT."

I felt grim. Wth was going on. Nice of you to turn on me like this when it was you who asked me to review and when there's no me to defend myself... nevermind. And what happened to A? I passed over to him.

"When I reviewed this morning, the dressing was not soaked. I noted she felt throbbing at her op site but no pain, and the dressing was stained not soaked. I planned for the outer to be changed and I passed all this to my teammate." Heck it was A who suggested for that plan. What happened to him and me passing the case over? Did it not happen?

"Ooh okay then. Just next time make sure the dressing isn't even stained when the boss comes for round. They don't care how many times you change the dressing."

"Okay doctor."

And I felt grim the whole day. I realized what kind of person M was and I thought never mind him, what is important is that I never do such a thing to my colleague. And I don't want to be a person who wouldn't help him in the future just because of what he did. I will treat everyone nicely because I want to be a good person.

I finished my job at the elective OT and halfway back to the ward my phone connection returned (ACC building has the worst coverage in the whole hospital) and I realised one of my friend covered for me in the emergency OT. So I called him and told him I would go to cover his duty at his ward.

Done deal. I didn't want to go to my earlier ward and deal with M and A, but I went anyway to get my bag and water bottle. M and A were settling the post AM round job and didn't acknowledge me... and I didn't feel like either. But I still felt grim. I need a hug or sunshine sightings.. huhu where are the Green team when I need them?

I saw Fadzlin in the procedure room doing some form work and I went over to her.

"Zelin I need a hug."

And so she gave me a hug and asked why. I told her what happened and she said,

"Ahh. M. He did about the same thing to me yesterday. I got scolded by Dr. Ann because of him."

"What did he do?"

"Later I'll tell you. I need to go to the casualty." And off Zelin go after reassuring me. I went to the ward upstairs and silently settle loose jobs and PM review. Then I noticed A wrote in our WhatsApp group asking the morning OT person to cover Pofin who went in the emergency OT and stated,

"and make sure to review properly" plus his smiley face.

And I felt grimmer, haha... Basically he implied that I didn't review the patient properly. Never mind, I'm still learning and I am not as good as they are. I will learn and be better.

But what did I do wrong? I was too grim to ask them now and this was the sort of things to be dealt with face to face. Nevermind, I will go and review the BHT later after I was done with this ward.

When I went down later, the patient was already discharged.

---

I told this to dad but he only listened in silence while his gaze fixed on the TV he wasn't even watching. After I changed the topic to management of CDH only he replied me.

I guess I could never complain to dad. I should not complain to dad. This is just one of the things he probably faced and now it's my turn.

---

Anyway, the day ended nicely. I was reviewing some cases with K my other teammate and we were standing in the hallway. I saw Nasri coming and despite in a discussion, I turned to him just as he neared and clearly greeted him,

"Hai Nash."

"Hai Atiqah." I could hear his smile. And then I resumed discussing, noticing K's minute change in expression. But I don't care. It felt good to properly greet him, hahahaha.

And today I walked out of the ward with Wong my favourite house officer, Mr. Wong as we call him. He asked me again where did I live and I replied him,

"Lunde," with a grin.

"Ala I lupa Atiqah orang Kelantan, asyik ingat tinggal kat kuarters je."

I grinned. His response when he first realised I am a Kelantanese was "cis kurang asam, tak kecek Kelate pun!"

"Saya jiran Mr. Zuraimi, selang dua rumah."

"Yeke!" Wong lighted up. And he proceeded to ask how big was his house, what car he drives, what does his wife do, how old are the kids and ultimately how old was Mr. Z when he got married.

Hahahaha Wong is such a gossip monger.

It is important to make people feel less awkward

Today there were medical students in my ward. I was reviewing the patient opposite them clerking and didn't bother them. But then Hafizah and I recognised their patient as our patient readmitted. So I dropped my reviewing (lol) and we and Yun approached the patient. I didn't recognise her face but I recognise her name. I greeted her and asked why was she admitted.

"Ooh ERCP, hehe kak saya yang call akak minta akak gi Hospital Tumpat amik darah haritu."

I turned to my colleagues. "Aku yang discharge patient ni." Bagus kan budak Red discuss dengan Green pasal kes Black team. Us house officers belek-belek BHT dia, hmm apsal boss Black tak request amylase? Never mind tak noted je kot, ada LFT and RP taken I guess sekali la amylase bwahaha.

I looked up and realised we crashed the medical students. "Hai," I greeted them in a friendly-before-bullying-people manner. "Per abdomen ape findings korang?"

They grinned sheepishly at me and I automatically laughed back. "Selamba aku buli orang, haha abaikan. Korang dah Paeds belum?" Because they're Lincoln students and I know my dad took Lincoln students for teaching.

"Dah," the one guy between the three students replied me.

"Ooh bagus2."

Yun said to me, "Hai tanya Paeds je kee."

"Of course la Paeds jee."

Later I was reviewing another patient and the guy student came beside me to pinjam the ward's hammer. I stopped him for a chat.

Me: Korang tahun berapa?
Him: Fourth year. Harini second day fourth year.
Me: Waah. Good luck ye.
Him: Thank you.

Me, calculating. Sebagai senior (ecece) wajib la bagi nasihat. "Okay, make sure you have fun ye."

"Haha. Alright."

And then I continued reviewing.

Always greet your elders

One time I was otw to the oncall room and I bumped into Bakemal Huzaifah. You know, Gen04 ASU I think. I barely greeted him and that was our first encounter at the hospital, but he turned to my MOs Dr. Azizi and Dr. Ang who were sitting on the couch and said to them,

"Korang dah marah belum budak ni? Marah je."

I laughed while my MOs looked on semi confused. Supportive super senior indeed, thanks.

The other day I saw him in my ward reviewing a Urology patient with his team of Anaes. I would have gone and greeted him "Hai Bakemal" if he was alone, but he wasn't and I was still borderline unsure of him so I decided maybe later.

But later he was gone.

Moral of the story: whatever happens, be a good kid and greet your elders.

---

Speaking of which, today I bumped into Nasri multiple times but had not the pleasure of greeting him. I stood there waiting for him to glance at me but he did not. Granted he was in a round one time and discussing case with his team another time, but if he would look up just one moment and see me with my ready smile and my short "Hai Nash", we could get this over with.

Anyway. When he feels like looking up, I'll be around with my greetings. Even my MOs I greet properly, what more him as a Cairo senior and a BPP mentor. He might not think this is a big deal, but respecting my seniors and upholding my history as a Cairo graduate is a big deal to me. Haha.

Moral of the story: whatever happens, be a good kid and greet your elders.

---

Today Dr. Azizi pointedly looked at me and assigned me the responsibility of ensuring one patient's preop hypertension is under control otherwise the anaes might cancel her op.

"Kalau tak esok saya cari awak."

I grinned reassuringly. I would have taken him more seriously if he didn't look at me like that bwahaha. Anyway I endorsed her anti-HPT medication already... and I'll review her first thing tomorrow.

---

On another note, today as I was clerking a patient, Pofin came to take her blood. Faster work like that. He seemed amused when he heard me talking to the patient, but I took it as him being amiable with the patient.

At the counter, suddenly Pofin said with a grin "panda Tiqah kecek Kelate. 'Diyo start gano kak?'"

I turned to him. "Kau puji ke perli?"

"Puji la."

And I gleefully turned to Meksu who was sitting near and claimed her shoulder. "Dengar tu Pofin puji Bahasa Kelantan aku!"

I felt proud wahaha. Meksu has been complaining about my Bahasa Kelantan ever since we were first years and I swore off talking in Bahasa Kelantan with my Cairo batch because Meksu once commented I sounded like a Siamese.

Anyway, later I realised Pofin probably didn't realise I am a Kelantanese so he shouldn't have complimented me. Hahaha... now it turned into a mockery.

Boss, saya lupa saya ada assessment!

I was settling my post morning round job and made my way to the acute bed. There came Green entourage with Mr. Zaidi in the lead.

"Salam Mr. Zaidi. Sihat?" I greeted him.

"Alhamdulillah. Hanifah sihat?"

I didn't catch any prefix before dad's name but anyway I replied him with my friendly grin. "Dia pergi KL, ada MPA gathering."

"MPA?"

"Paeds-"

"Oh meeting. Awak dah habis Green ke. Sekejapnya."

"Dah habis boss. Saya pun tak tahu nak kata apa." Ini semua salah Mr. Zuraimi! Haha mampus aku kalau beliau baca ni.

Selamba aku kacau Green buat round. Padahal berjujuk geng Green dan MO keliling Mr. Zaidi masa tu. Aku pun berlalu keluar dari acute cubicle and on my way out, terdengar Dr. H said something about "ajak pergi KB Mall" with Dr. Salehah snickering nearby. I wasn't sure if he was talking to me or about me.

I told mom about it and she laughed at me. "Takkan la dia panggil papa Hanifah je. Even Dato' Rosdi dan Dr. Burhan pun panggil papa Dr. Hanifah. Mesti dia nak panggil kakngah."

"Haha haritu dia panggil Ika Hanifah tapi Ika tarik muka tak jawab soalan dia sampai la dia panggil Atiqah."

One sunshine at a time

Malam tadi tengah oncall round tetiba Dr. Adham bisik "awak anak Dr. Hanifah kan?"

Ape aku dah buat? Kenapa nama ayah aku naik?

"Ye saya anak dia. Kenapa doktor?" Jawab sambil tengok depan sebab Dr. Mulianis tengah see patient.

"Awak la Atiqah kan?"

Hai saya baru seminggu lebih sikit tinggal Green doktor dah tak cam saya ke? Tahu la cabut spek. "Yes saya Atiqah. Doktor kenal ayah saya?"

"Tak, tak kenal." Rasa snapped jap. Papa second oldest in service in the entire hospital kot! Haha. "Okey, lepas ni study surface anatomy of the liver. Nanti saya tanya."

Hahahaha ni ikut Mr. Zaidi yang target saya sebab saya anak bos dia ke ape ni? "Haha orait bos."

Tengah malam tu Dr. Adham minta aku gi ICU cek patient sebab dia call HO oncall Green tak angkat. Maka berlari la Atiqoh sebab takut nak tinggal wad takde doktor lama-lama, aku ada patient leaking descending thoracic aortic aneurysm with unstable BP dan sorang lagi with pneumothorax Dr. Mulianis dah warn jangan pagi esok jumpa rigor mortis pulak.

---

Pagi tadi aku tersengguk dalam HO Teaching. Rasa bersalah sebab last-last tu Mr. Ken yang conduct, sampai harini saya rasa bersalah dengan beliau sebab tak sempat review sorang acute bed satu masa yang lalu. Habis teaching I was allocated to clinic, maka pergi la saya yang cuma sempat tukar stokin dan tudung dari petang semalam. Okay la petang semalam sempat mandi.

Was the first doctor to reach the clinic. Dr. Azizi nampak aku dia terus "dik pergi tutup pintu" nada mengarah tetiba dia gelak sebab aku automatic obey. Pastu dia "dik awak hutang saya satu IV line."

"Terima kasih doktor pasangkan branula semalam," I replied. My AM teammates tried five times and failed. Who am I to poke the patient a sixth time? Cari MO terus la. He succeeded in his second trial, tu pun pakai blue branula. Katanya tu lebih senang.

In my defence, I succeeded 2 branulas in one go semalam, another on second go, satu bunk and tak sempat nak pasang balik team asal dia dah take over, dan sorang pakcik I failed twice and asked senior HO for help.

Hajat nak menuntut di klinik dengan Mr. Imi tapi Mr. Imi MIA, beg je atas kerusi. Dr. Mulianis pun energetic macam biasa pagi hari lagi dia nasihat aku dengan nada yang friendlier dari biasa. Kesian dia terpaksa handle aku yang noob dari dulu sampai sudah. See, she's warming up to me! Dr. Azizi gelakkan aku masa Dr. Mulianis komplen aku pegang henset dalam klinik, padahal dia yang suruh aku panggil lagi dua HO masuk klinik. Hahah. So aku pun hang out dengan Dr. Azizi...

Patient ramai tapi tersekat sebab nak kena call HUSM la, budak ni la, komputer jam la, itu la, ini la. Boss is not someone who is subtle with his exasperation. Bila dia keluar bilik je, I felt obliged to smoothen things with the patients and ask them to pray for me, us and Dr. Azizi because when Allah make someone sick, He grant their prayers more.

Sape la aku nak komen klinik habis pukul 2pm bila boss yang sama2 dalam klinik adalah the same boss yang oncall sekali malam tadi. Dr. Azizi menguap macam cocaine addict tengah klinik tadi.

---

Masa nak balik wad, bertembung Cik Som yang baru discharge. Salam tunduk kepala dengan dia. Pak Cik Sani bagus dari dulu setiap pagi nampak aku greet by name. Hehe. Semoga terus kuat dan kita jumpa mana-mana selain dari sebagai pesakit dan doktor :P

Nampak Nasri menuju wad maka cepat-cepat lari supaya boleh jalan sekali.

"Hai Nash!"
"Hai Atiqah. Dah makan?"

Hehe Nasri dah tak tanya saya okay ke tak, mungkin sebab nampak hyper macam monyet. Kalau tembung mesti dia tanya pasal solat or makan... Though I should ask him. Dia yang keding obviously needs fattening up.

"Belum!"
"Puasa ke?"
"Sejak breakfast semalam. Postcall haha."
"Pergi balik cepat."
"Okkey~"

I guess in a way this is me missing Egypt. Jumpa senior je excited, Nash pulak tu. Plus the fact I hardly see sunshine so this is me compensating.

---

Seronok gak tak tidur semalaman pastu balik rumah sempat tidur dua jam sebelum terjaga teammate call tanya OT ape aku masuk assist haritu. Dengar suara Dr. Mulianis di latar. Pastu aku tak tidur dah. Along kagum how I handle sleep deprivation. I credit my years of training pre HO, hahaha.

I guess in medicine there's no such thing as pity, we're all in this together.

Kaunter tu berkuman yang kamu pergi sadai kepala tu apehal

Me discussing prob with Zelin. Wong my ex teammate datang.

Wong: Atiqah ok? Ada isu ape? Hari2 Atiqah ada isu.
Me tersadai kepala di kaunter: Sampai hati Wong cakap camtu kat aku...
Wong dengan nada yang tak pernah berubah: Takde la cakap camtu saje je gurau. Ha citer la ape masalah kau.
Me cerita masalah.
Wong tetiba: Jap nak jawab call. Hello? Hah-
Me to Zelin sementara Wong jawab call: Wong baik.
Zelin yang baru masuk Green: Yes aku sedar.
Me: Aku suka Wong.
Wong: Okay. Ha Atiqah sambung.

---

Dua minggu kerja baru ni saya dalam Team Green untuk Surgery ni. Pastu semalam dah masuk Team Red. Aku sayang Green sebab ada MO awesome seperti Dr. Adham dan Dr. Helmi, Nash of course senior yang dari dulu dihormati dan Wong teammate yang paling vocal bantu aku sesuaikan diri dengan climate kerja padahal dia baru je masuk Green. Tak dilupakan Mr. Zaidi kawan papa yang masa round terjadi insiden begini:

Mr. Zaidi: Apa jadi kalau badan hilang sodium. Ha. Hanifah, jawab.
Me: Tarik muka tanpa segan silu.
Mr. Zaidi: Atiqah.

Sape kata untung jadi anak consultant? Bukan ada leverage pun. Leverage setakat ni cuma seronok menyembang nego Radiology request dengan Dr. Arif HOD Radio serta Dato' Rosdi HOD JBM bagi aku panggil dia pakcik, tu je. Lagi stress ada la. Supervisor Surgery aku ni Mr. Zuraimi jiran selang dua rumah siap. Hahahaha. Kitorang kalau selisih kat wad tanya khabar camtu je. Mana boleh biased layanan dalam medicine ni, tak pro la.

Red pulak ada Mr. Imi. Aku tak jumpa dia lagi, tapi wajib la perkenalkan diri properly kepada dia. Dia HO papa masa papa awal jadi specialist dulu and mama banyak ajar dia masa dia HO Ortho. Ha ingat dia nak baik semata2 AtiqOh anak mentor dia ke? Hahaha tahun lepas aku jumpa dia kat open house sorang surgeon ni pun ayat dia aku ingat lagi

"Kau masuk Surgery nanti aku belasah haha."

---

Saya tak sempat nak utarakan hal semalam kepada Nasri.

Thanks but no

Baru siap morning review. Pergi basuh tangan. Tetiba boss postcall panggil.

"Atiqah!"

"Ye boss."

"Tulis tak CVL insertion kat bed 14 semalam tu?"

"Ada dah tulis. Nasriq tulis." Aku jawab sambil basuh tangan.

"Ye ke kak nurse kata takde." Terus pergi katil patient. Belek BHT.

"Ye ke saya rasa ada saya perasan..." Belek belek aiseh aku delusional ke ape. "Alamak bos takde."

"Terima kasih cinta, kau buat ku bahgia~" Bos nyanyi sambil pandang slack.

"Ssssorry bos!" Aku dah hampir termenggelepar jatuh dah ni. FML.

Green team dah habis kerja. Semua teammates dalam OT tinggal dua jaga wad.

And guess where I am?

Bawarouq tanya how was my training. Anyone else I would have said "okay je" plus grin tapi because it's him, tetiba saya rasa nak nangis. I believe with time I will feel less useless and less awkward with everyone than yesterday, but until that time..

So I told him frankly and also reassured him. It's not fair to throw people your problem without a plan. I mean, I'm a doctor now. I solve problems.

Harini saya tag call. Means saya tagger yang masuk kerja by 7 today and balik earliest 12pm esok.

Be grateful AND DON'T COMPLAIN, YOU SIGNED UP FOR THIS

I watched the Return of Superman clip of Lee Jaea playing tennis against her football player dad Lee Donggook. She cried at the end because she wasn't as good as she wanted to be despite her hard work. The TV crew interviewed her later.

Staff: Was tennis hard?
Jaea: Yes it was.
Staff: Why didn't you tell your dad that it was hard?
Jaea: Because my dad worked harder than me.

During my final exam, I complained how hard it was to my parents. Now that I am working, I vow to never complain of hardship. This two years are training, hardship is a given. And I understand that during dad's time, it was harder. Even nearing 60 he is still doing his best, I have no rights to complain.

---

Our Gen08 WhatsApp group used to be of people venting out when SPA was going to give them a job. Now they're venting about long tagging hours, missed meals, their slowness and everything else. The not-yet-working members of our batch are silent and I don't blame them. I am also not amused by these people's venting. We got the job we wanted, we should suck it up and work hard. We signed up for this.

My involvement is sharing reading materials and when they're discussing cases, like Bajau yesterday who initiated brainstorm to find the bleeder in his bleeding post right hepatectomy patient.

Vascular leak
Stress ulcer

Exclude GI bleed by Ryle's and PR.

Teach me dad

Dad told us his contract ended sometime this month and the only thing left to confirm extending it for another two is his signature.

"So why haven't you signed yet," I asked.

"I haven't decided to extend it or not," he replied.

If he doesn't, it means he will live his life as a proper retiree (proper because ). With mom still working, I imagine dad will be at home alone and be dead bored within one month. Dad signed for compulsory retirement four years ago but is currently working on a contract basis with the government. Because the people still need his expertise and he will be so bored without his practise.

But if he does retire.. what about me? I just started working, he couldn't retire for real now. I took up medicine because I want to study from him. I applied for the same hospital where he works so that I can run to him and have him for company whenever I have random breaks. It would be fun to run into him at random.

After Maghrib prayer I asked him if he really plan to retire for real. Before he could answer, I grinned my I-want-something-from-you grin and continued, please continue for just another two years. You can retire after I finish my HO.

MBBCh (Cairo) bukan MBBCh (Egypt)

Sebenarnya saya rasa nak gaduh dengan sorang budak Mansurah yang HO sekali ni. Sebab setiap kali doktor tanya dewan graduates oversea belajar dekat mana, mesti dia yang first jawab "Mesir."

Dude aku graduate Cairo please. Mesir tu negara, ada tujuh universiti budak-budak Melayu belajar medik. Kalau budak local bukannya dia jawab dia belajar kat Malaysia. Grr.

Not a big deal for some but it is to me. I am proud to be a Cairo grad. We have the esteemed Dr. Hussein and so many awesome professors. I don't know what you have in Mansurah but either way you should be proud to be a Mansurah grad.

Penyelesaian kepada isu ini adalah mulai esok, saya yang akan jadi orang yang jawab soalan doktor. Done.

2nd and 4th day

2nd day HO: Patient Safety Awareness Course for HO with 70% passing mark exam. Bersungguh jugak la aku study, sekali written exam Dr. Mariani datang bisik jawapan. I grinned at her. Haha ape ni.

After I politely paid subtle attention to her, I continued answering my questions. Thanks doc but I did study. Finished all ques in ten minutes with twenty minutes to spare.. I stared in apology at the collateral terrible sloppy handwriting. Still legible, so no prescription error here.

---

4th day HO we had Basic Life Support course with the A&E specialists. Passing mark for the objective questions was 80% and I had to retake my exam. This was a first for me; I have never had to retake a paper, any paper, my entire life. It was a begrudging experience and I was mad at myself.

That day, I realised the gravity of their expectations on us house officers. They expect us to know more than what they taught us the first time.