To live happy, you need healthy food and healthy relationship

One time I was doing rounds in PICU and the respectable Paeds MO called me over with a wave. By respectable I mean Danial who is smart and kind. He's the only known unmarried man around and he's cute so he's a sight for sore eyes, or my eyes any day.

He is Syukri's friend and Syukri tends to tease him every single time we go to do rounds in PICU. So I came to know that Danial is single, refusing all matchmaking, apparently heartbroken after three breakups (first was almost married but he got cold feet, second left him because he was always too busy with work, and third married someone else while he was being indecisive). I know all this from Syukri and so I told Syukri "I don't want you as a friend or my life will never be aman."

Syukri said he is emotionally unavailable and said he wouldn't suggest him to me because "nanti kau akan disakiti."

"It's a competition between who hurts whom first," was my response. 

Anyway back to Danial waving at me. He was asking about this patient to STO for a delayed closure for a sternotomy. We had a discussion while standing around the patient, with me looking into his eyes and then realising I have a crush on this guy. I felt my cheeks burning from this misplaced blush and stupid grin so I turned my face away. And denied all this to myself with a mantra

"Damn this tall guy… My neck is hyperextending like I'm birdwatching. I'm not turning away because I'm shy, I'm turning away because of neck pain."

Pravin came and the discussion moved on to that of another case, with me looking at his face as he explained and I realised 

"Darn this guy is even taller…"

So I turned to Bhindia who was about my height. 

Cause there’s this tune I found that reminds me of you somehow

I went to PICU because my surgeon got an outside referral for a perforated viscus in a 42 hours of life baby. It was almost 5.30pm and the MOs were gathered at the counter. I went up to them and put my hand on a girl's shoulder, who I just met an hour ago and knew her name to be Huda. 

"Guys." I started. "Ada bed tak?"

"Takdeee." They all gushed in unison. "Kitorang baru je cakap pasal ni."

"We have a perf bowel in a 42 hours of life baby. Sape oncall harini?"

"Dr. Faiz. Cuba call, tapi memang takde bed la." Danial said. 

"May I have his number please?"

"Bolehh." He who was initially standing two persons away from was the one who came to my side and passed me the number. The thing about this guy is that he has a deep voice that sounded kind. The kind of voice that made me blush. Why wasn't Huda the one who gave me that number? 

I need to date someone now. I can't go around giddy about a colleague. 

Thank you for helping me help patients

Got a phonecall from PICU MO asking me about the anti-emetic we started for our post op patient. I told him it's part of our Enhanced Recovery After Surgery strategy where we give anti-emetic before the patient starts vomiting, some more she had extensive bowel manipulation and is on Morphine. 

What a long statement for a midnight phonecall, but apparently I am hyper from not eating properly and this person has a nice voice. What did he say his name was? Afiq? But it sounded like Danial's voice, somemore Danial is doing PICU rotation now. 

"Tanya banyak sebab tak pernah pun bagi untuk post op sebelum ni. Lagipun ubat ni bolus jadi kami kena serve sendiri." 

"Oh yeke saya minta maaf sebab menambah kerja." I said while bowing to this imaginary person in front of me. But my tone was anything but sorry. I think I am becoming an insincere person nowadays, I apologise easily but I don't really mean it. I just want to placate people into doing what I want to be done. 

"Eh tak la, okay je." He was quick to respond.  

"Terima kasih Danial." Ya I should have thanked him for serving medications for the patient instead of apologising. We work for the patients anyway. Thank you for helping me help this patient.

Animal lover

I remember once Dr. Hussein was telling us the diagnosis for a certain infection.. haha I forgot the title. Fine I'll scrounge for my notes in the morning. Anyway, as usual we have serological study, blood cultures bla3 and last but not least inoculation into animal.

Usually any professor will just mention "mycobacterium leprosy into banded armadillo" and begone with it, but Dr. Hussein was different.

He mentioned the bacteria and the animal inoculated (guinea pigs I think), and then he stressed how overdone the procedure is. How he is against us using animals inoculation and we shouldn't be doing it. Poor cute souls inoculated just for a confirmed diagnosis.

He spent close to a minute to get that message across. I grinned wider and noted him. That day was 34 weeks ago. A summer class not in the usual hall but in Dr. Saeed Gomaa's usual hall instead. Sir had three caped pens lined up in his shirt pocket. It was amusing. Why would anyone need three pens lined up in his shirt pocket?

One of my favourite thing to do, if you haven't figure out by now, is to analyse him.

Email

Oh hi. Hello. I'm supposed to be writing a subtle but formal email while Egypt is still sleeping and as expected I'm stressed about it so here I am writing crap. Let me tell you why.

Last night I slept on the couch and woke up remembering a vivid dream. I was in my last day in Egypt, packing my room and at the same time making time for one last PERU*ATAN program. It was a UBM-laced program, which was absurd as I will never be caught dead attending such an abomination.

You know what, such a setting was so impossible I guess it does mean the whole dream was absurd and I should scrap this subtle-but-formal-email plan. But anyway, let's proceed.

So on my way there with a girl friend, we met Dr. Hussein. He was wearing a red polo, sort of worn down, and he greeted us with a smile. My friend and I salam-ed him like kids would their father. However, what surprised me was that his wild hair was gone. He had a haircut. And he said he was going to the same program to give out the cert.

My friend and I continued our journey to the program where we got to our seat and I saw at a corner of the stage was Dr. Fathy Khodair in his academic robe. That was a misery and then I timely woke up.

So that was the dream. Let's break it down.

(1) The fact I dreamed about Dr. Hussein probably points to me missing him, which I will not deny.

(2) He was otw to a program to give out cert. Why is this playing in my dream? I swear I am not peachy over him absent from our graduation. I understand his position and he told me in advance about it!

(3) He had a haircut. Now this is worrisome. He likes his wild hair. Dr. Shen told us that during running for the deanship, people told Dr. Hussein they would not vote for him unless he get rid of his hair. And to that, his response was "then don't vote for me, I'm keeping my hair", as expected from a man of principle.

And as it is, there's a celebration of the preceeding administration team going on at the faculty this 14th. When I first saw the email, I was amused. You don't trust a regime, they're never sincere. What's the catch, I wondered. And I wondered how Dr. Hussein is holding up.

And so that's why I think now is the right time to write Dr. Hussein the email I told him I will write. Which is easier said than done. I'm not even sure to open with a "Dearest sir" or a "Dearest Dr. Hussein".

"But I'll get it done."

P/s: I went to see him on my last day in Egypt and I owe a blog post about it.

المحبة لا تسقط أبداً

سنة حلوة يا جميل يا ابونا يا قدوتنا يا دكتور أحباء كل مخلوقات الله
كل عام حضرتك بخير وأقرب إلى الله
طول عمرك في حفظ الله و عقبال 100 سنة سعيدة وصحة قوية وسلامة ونجاح مع كل ما عندك
سهل الله لك في كل مسؤولية

هسافر ماليزيا بعد قليل من اسبوعين و إن شاء الله هشوف حضرتك في المستقبل القريب
اللهم آمين

Lucky dogs

After I crossed the street, my left foot landed in a hole and it gave way. Unlucky for me to fall on my bad foot. I quickly righted myself and prayed it wasn't a herald for an unlucky day ahead.

It proved to be not.

We had our last day of internship at the Endocrine clinic and we waited in front of the clinic for the doctor to come. I was walking to and fro, hyped after my to3miyah bil beidh breakfast and talking to Humairah about current issues when suddenly my brain stopped working from what glimpsed into the periphery of my vision.

"Dr. Hussein Dr. Hussein!" My eyes widened and I grinned widest. Whatever I was saying to Humairah was lost the moment I registered Dr. Hussein striding towards the main OPC building and my legs were already skipping towards his direction.

"Where?" Humairah asked.

"There! Over there! It's Dr. Hussein! I want to follow him!"

Sir was actually 50 meters away from where I was skipping happily. I turned around to grin excitedly at Humairah and I noticed the two guys were grinning at me. Nazrin was semi-hanging his head probably to be polite despite openly amused and Chip looked at me with a normal smile.

For once, Chip was normal. I must have weirded them out. I forgot they existed, I should have behaved BUT THIS IS DR. HUSSEIN HELL I CARE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE HAHAHA.

"If you follow him, you're just going to bother him," Chip said in a kind tone. The one you use with a difficult kid.

"But I'm a good kid!"

But we were waiting for our doctor and it would be disrespectful to ditch the team to go run after Dr. Hussein. I stood still and watched until he disappeared from my sight. Then I sat down with my team and blabbered about his possible destination.

Surgery OPC? Was the Surgery intern group having OPC today? Are they going to have Dr. Hussein today? I want to join them if so!

Or did he just use the OPC building to commute to the Manial Hospital? Then what was he doing going through the main OPC gate? Did he just arrive on campus?

No, that's not possible. I walked with him once and he used the main campus gate to commute to the Manial Hospital. It must be the Surgery OPC.

Two minutes later the doctor had yet to show up and I was beyond restless. Too many questions! I shouldered my bag and went to the main OPC building without a word nor a glance to my team.

I walked to the Surgery clinic and debated whether to go in or not. I waited outside for a while before calling Umair. She had Surgery today. I called her multiple times but she didn't pick up.

I decided to be a good girl and went back to my team. Bought myself sweet coffee at the spot where I first saw sir and went back to the Endocrine clinic... only to find Radhi sitting there alone, finishing her ODOJ. The doctor definitely didn't arrive yet otherwise they would have called me or the person waiting for me would have ushered me in.

"Where's everyone?"

"The girls went to send in their syahadah asliyyah. The guys went to buy drinks."

Lol. Did they took me bailing as a cue?

One minute later, Dr. Rokaya Abdel Aziz arrived. I immediately stood up for her and introduced ourselves for permission to join her clinic today.

A professor in the clinic today! I learned a lot from just watching her interact with the patients. She actually gave LE100 to one patient who came for follow up of her hypothyroidism, telling her it was for her daughters.

With Prof Dr. Rokaya Abdel Aziz, she taught us a lot of lectures and coordinated a lot of our classes. Allahumma bless her with health and happiness, ameen.

Dammit why am I the shortest in my team. 

Khamasin otherwise known as Gaara-on-a-rampage Day

Sir was writing down the day's syllabus on the board when I took my seat. He then started teaching without noticing me. He was in the middle of describing to the class when he looked sideways and saw me.

He chuckled in the middle of his sentence. Hahaha yes I made it! This was very rewarding.

---

Sir asked the class what was the term for an intervention given prior to a complaint. Some student answered prophylactic, but he wanted another term.

Preemptive?

"It is widely used in anaesthesia.."

"Preemptive," I answered.

"Correct." Of course I could answer correctly, if I couldn't it would have been a disgrace. For the next few minutes he kept repeating the word's usage to emphasise its meaning. All those time I was feeling extra proud of myself. Haru was "don't grin, don't grin."

---

After dismissing the class, sir immediately went to Kie's row and I was standing nearby waiting patiently to greet him. I overheard him requesting a list of the names of Malaysian students attending his class. I grinned. It was definitely from last night when he said he regretted not knowing all of our names.

He was showing true sincere dedication. I have to do my best too.

Sir turned around and smiled at me. After exchanging pleasantries, his first sentence was how grateful he was for last night's event.

Gaaaaaaaaaaa I love our professor!

Tonight tonight kono omoi

Tonight, among others, I told Dr. Hussein that I enjoyed his emails to the official school mailing address very much. I really did. He smiled warmly and said "I'm really glad you enjoyed it."

I should have told him that I especially liked his email wishing us the best for our final exams and when he wished to see us in the near future as colleagues. It really sparked my perseverance to study. I truly am looking forward to be his colleague, inshaAllah.

Tonight was beautiful. I am grateful eternally for the best seat in the house; next to Dr. Hussein, opposite Dr. Heba who was between Dr. Souad and Dr. Ahmed. Four of my most beloved teachers in Egypt. Thank you Bahiran, Hafizi and Mat for giving me the opportunity to co-host the event.

At the end of the night, I noticed how warm Dr. Hussein's smile was as we chatted. And I told him "I will see you inshaAllah at your class in my usual seat in front of you, sir."

"Ya riit (I hope)." He chuckled.

Haha. It's half past twelve. I better sleep now.

P/s: Title is from CNBLUE'S Still lyric. It meant "tonight tonight all this feelings".

Puppy

I saw Dr. Hussein taking the turn from the courniche to the campus's bridge this morning as I crossed the road and you know what I did, of course I ran across it (expertly to avoid being run over by Cairo's traffic) and excitedly took a paparazzi shot from behind to commemorate today, a little peeved that he was walking alone without being greeted by anyone on the street, don't they know he is THE Dr. Hussein?

But I quickly matched my step to casually fall beside him and I turned to him, "Assalamualaikum Dr. Hussein, good morning sir."

He smiled, nodded and greeted back the standard "Izzayyik, akhbarik eeh."

"Alhamdulillah, doing fine." I grinned back and "Have a good day today sir," and he nodded gratefully, a small smile and "You too."

I was on hyper mode, super hyper, high and euphoric. To meet him on my way to O&G; a posting I am not that keen on and with a rather nasty mood from a message I received this morning. It was a blessing, alhamdulillah, my day was brightened and nothing can ruin my day now.

I was actually two steps ahead of him then as I didn't want to bother him so that's why I went for a greet-and-bye, but we're going in the same direction and I was really really really excited, have you ever seen me super duper excited? Of course I matched back our pace and asked him the one thing that bugged me from the last week I saw him.

Sir then was going to ask something as I was also going to say something so we both paused and sir said, "Go on, what were you saying?" And I happily blabbed away and sir answered all my hyper ques.

Truthfully I wanted to silently and respectfully walk beside him because I didn't like seeing him walking alone. I didn't want to be friendly because though I love him, I don't think he even remembers me and he seemed a little awkward at my hype. It's the peril of a one-sided love bordering on creepy stalking. But I was really really really so very happy to see him I didn't know what to do with myself.

We parted at the main gate because I had to take the students entrance (yesterday I was already at the patient's entrance on the far right but the effing guard shooed me to the far left student entrance and I was so pissed off I swore to never deal with the stupid stupid restricted entrance rule), and I walked backwards as I wished him a happy day before I ran off excitedly. I kept my eyes on sir and noticed only one guard at the gate saluted him a good morning and it made me so angry. I passed through my gate flashing the guard my ID without so much as a glance at him, mark me I'm never this rude before.

Inside the ground, I kept my eyes on him. It was five to nine and I smiled fondly thinking it was quite a change of pace to see him clocking in by nine instead of usually seeing him making his rounds on the campus before seven. But I quickly wondered; was it a good thing?

I noticed no one greeted him as he steadily walked along the main campus road towards the old Manial Hospital, same place I was going. I wondered if he would be taking the dean's building entrance but he walked pass it towards the north entrance, same entrance I was taking.

I wondered why sir didn't use that entrance. It connects with his Department 29 much faster and I used that route everytime I walk from his lecture to his clinical session. In fact, the dean's building is the fastest route to use if you're going to any middle part of the 2nd or 3rd floor of the Manial Hospital.

But I no longer take it because few days ago when I walked through it, the man standing guard in front sighed but let me pass anyway probably because he was too late to stop me. Sighed and not shouted because I am a Malaysian and not an Arab student. I still use it as an exit route though, buzz off anyone stopping me.

I hate the nowadays strict entrance rule, it made the campus less friendly.

As I observed him walking steadily towards the north entrance, silently passing people with a solemn look, I wondered why no one greeted him. He's the ex dean... Coupled with him not using the dean's building entrance, it felt like he was couped out of his title.

Yeah.. he was.

With him was an electric kettle box and his coat hung on his arm. Did the department's kettle broke down and he bought one to replace it? Turned right at the north entrance and I walked straight for my O&G Hospital, my eyes caught him taking the stairs. I skipped and charged forward to one of the happiest day of my life.

Until I realised we parted without me giving sir the chance to say what he was going to say. HARUUUUU YOU STUPIDDDDDDD!!!

I cursed my retardation. This was more retarded than forgetting to prescribe diuretics to a nephrotic patient in my written MBBCh Batnah!! (I laid out a lengthy case management but after I got back did I realise I forgot Lasix FML.) I went exactly like a puppy yapping excitedly whenever I see him. Where did all my cool gone to?

Please Allah give me the chance to run into him again please please please I promise I will behave and be remembered properly.

Smiless

Today I walked with Dr. Heba to her car and I stayed silent because I respect her so much I don't know what to say despite grinning inside. It's like an excited puppy with its master. But I responded well to all her questions, I guess she realised I was awkward with her.

On our way back, she was on my left when suddenly she greeted someone merrily in Arabic. I turned to see and guess who it was?

None other than DR. HUSSEIN KHAIRY!!

I automatically went into fangirl mode with super smile and hyper "Hello sir how are you!" And he smiled at meeeeeeeee! A real smile! I worked hard today and met Dr. Heba for Dr. Acap Haider's sake and Allah gifted me Dr. Hussein's smile! I sure hope it was because he remembered me as his student, the girl who always ponteng his class but when she comes she sits in the front bench to the right of the hall.

Maybe that was just a genuine smile to one of his very many campus godchildren, but anyway let me lie and be happy.

His hair was as wild as always, he looked good, he looked happy(er), a little worn out but less strained than when I usually see him walking around patrolling the campus. He was wearing his worn out navy red striped shirt with the sleeves rolled up and carrying with him a weird cardboard cutouts in a plastic wrap.

Dr. Heba pulled me nearer to her without turning to me while she faced Dr. Hussein with her smile. She talked to him in rapid Arabic and when I realised she just said "sir you will come to the kids' graduation day, yes?" my eyes dilated bigger and I jumped in (albeit in English) "Please sir, you have to come!"

He grinned at me but seemed reluctant and made excuses. "I'll see if I'm not busy that day," he said in Arabic.

They continued their pushing-and-pulling-away with mentions of gifts and certs. I stood there, absorbing the fact I was finally seeing the esteemed ex dean. Finally, I don't have to wait for his class to resume after the winter break to see him!

We parted because we all had other errands to attend to. As I resumed walking with Dr. Heba, I asked "He is going to come to the graduation, right?"

"He will. He just need some pushing," Dr. Heba smiled and made a pull-and-push gesture with her fist. I laughed.

"He has too. He is the beloved dean in our heart."

"Ahh, but you've only spent a day with the new dean."

"Dr. Hussein has been with us for the past three years, that is why."

---

I have no idea who the dean was before Dr. Hussein. He was a shadow of a name I don't even recall. When Dr. Hussein took office democratically voted by the faculty members, he opened his door for us students. He met us, listened to us and took care of us. Every morning before his 7am daily free lecture, he will make his round on the campus. Even the resident three-legged dog Kimi liked him!

He was so much in our campus life and during our last crucial years. I imagined receiving my scroll from him and to take a picture with him in our academic robe since Gen07's graduation early in 2014, it's so hard to undue the image now..

P/s: I saw Kimi yesterday and I thought, perhaps Dr. Hussein amputated his leg? He is a vascular and general surgeon and he is an animal lover and is generally curious enough to explore his passion, it was possible he studied the anatomy of a dog's lower limb for Kimi's sake.

Or he assisted his vet friend maybe? I need to solve the mystery of Kimi's leg before I BFG.

One term is three years

I didn't write that we got a new dean last week. His name is Dr. Fathy Khodair, 25th November 2014, the day after our Batnah Paper 3 (MCQ). No wonder I didn't see Dr. Hussein doing his round in the exam hall.. 

I forgot when Dr. Hussein took office but it was three years ago. Us Gen08 have lived through three deans; the first was a shadow of a name who we never met, second Dr. Hussein who opened his dean door for us faculty family and the third is Dr. Fathy.

Good luck sir. And well done Dr. Hussein, we are eternally grateful of you.

We also are getting a new JPA officer since Ustaz Zikril is leaving Egypt for good this 16th. He reported for duty on 19th December 2011. Nearly a whole three years. He is the second JPA officer ever sent to Egypt, the first officer was Encik Hazam. He visited us in INTEC and flew to Egypt before any of us and handled the students during the 2011 Mubarak-ousting revolution. Very high respect for this person. And Ustaz Zikril was second, he really took care of us. Even his sons are well behaved and brought up with proper Islamic core values.

All the best ustaz. Thank you for everything, for coming to our burnt apartment that same night with your whole family, for inviting us for Raya at your place and for everything. I'm sorry for bullying Wafi your youngest. Good luck, get a raise and may Allah place you at the best placement possible.

---

They didn't wait for our graduation this February. Ustaz Zikril said he will try if he could but in case he couldn't, he wished us congratulations in advance and will pray for us from afar. Haha. There was a Sesi Ustaz Zikril Raikan Kami Makan Nasi Lemak earlier this morning that I took notes on his speech. I'll post about it later.

Dr. Hussein will definitely come. We love him down to our bone medulla, down to last nucleus, he has to come.

Here I present you his last emails to the official school mailing. No more looking forward to his emails again...

Dr. Hussein's last official email. 

Argh damn now I remember he was supposed to write us a speech for the yearbook! I'll reask him again post exam.

The email announcing the new dean.

Dr. Hussein's wishing us for the exam. It was one of the best booster speech I ever received. "We wait for you as doctors in the near future" ahhh the feels! 

Man my speech has been internet-slanged. Damn Americans.

There's also his Eid wishes that I held dear. I'll post it up later as well. Haru don't forget.

LubDub made a meme. Man I'm missing his no-smile-for-the-camera face.

Bias

We don't routinely screen for a disease that we haven't got a treatment for. It reminds me of information bias, whereby further information won't change the course of a management.

---

Before writing down my name on the exam sheet, I will ask my neighbour "What date is today?"

Today Baher scoffed at me after answering.

"Sorry. It seems information are getting overriden. I've forgotten many of our colleagues' name."

I think that's also why I take few seconds during the exam to pray for the people I see in my view. To remind myself of my comrades' name. Haha.

---

Dr. Hussein stood in front of Adakun's seat when he greeted the doctors in the hall today. He was wearing green with white narrow stripes. I saw him shaking hands above Adakun's table and sat there shocked at her simply answering her exam like nothing happened.

Back home I confronted her about it.

"Not fair! Dr. Hussein stood in front of your seat! And you did nothing!!"

"Oh," she seemed unfazed. Haru was going mad What is this ingrate? "I looked up and then carry on writing."

"Argh! If it was me I would grin and greet him Sir how are you, pray for us, have a good day!"

They laughed at me. Man. They need to love Dr. Hussein more.

---

Yesterday it was only us four superseniors for dinner and as usual we ate in the tray. We finished eating and nobody raised from the makeshift table. I was sucking on a piece of tomato. Tasnim was idling. Jiha was scraping bones to a side.

Adakun was drawing circles on the tray. She broke the silence without looking up. "Want to lat-tali-lat to decide who does the dishes?"

It was a first. Usually someone would just volunteer somehow and carry the tray back to the kitchen. Although the day before it was me, as I sucked on my tomato I did entertain doing the day's dishes.

Tasnim quickly agreed and we all raised our hand. Tasnim called.

"Lat tali lat, tam plong!"

Three palmars and one dorsum. The dorsum was Adakun. I laughed the loudest, childishly pointing a finger at her.

"Bet you proposed this because you didn't want to do dishes right?" Tasnim said.

"Aaah! I knew it was going to be me!"

How the super busy dean keeps his cool and going

"How many days are there in a week? Seven? Five?"

Grins.

"Actually there's only one day in a week. Just Sunday. Because when Monday comes, you start thinking of next week or the end of the week. When Wednesday comes it's already the end of the week.

When you think of it that way, it makes things a lot easier."

Another cool grin.

Drown, you stupid idiot

I need to get this out of my system and then I'll go back to Urology. Like always, read silently and don't mind me.

By default, I get jealous very easily.

When someone else has something I really wanted, it makes me want to throw myself on the floor and growl why it wasn't me. But it's not going to get me what I want.

When I like someone very much and someone else approach him so easily (as it is, the more I like someone the awkwarder I become), it makes me want to throw a tantrum so his attention will be on me. Even thinking of that situation makes me want to break things and hurl anything across the room. But that's super childish and I haven't done anything to worth his attention and he's in no position to obligate either, sobs. I'm just going to be hated if I do so.

Being the rational adult I am, all I can do is drop my head on the table and pretend to be momentarily blind. Sometimes I literally slap myself back to senses.

The things I always tell myself are "love is appreciation, not possession" and "everything is Allah's and nothing is mine". It works most of the time to keep my sanity in check and wonders when it comes to possesive over things. But it is dramatically less effective when it comes to people that really matters. I have moments of weakness, too.

My motto is to be happy and live proud, but I'm not proud of this side of me. It makes me helpless and miserable.

You know what, I think it was writen in a draft and I didn't publish it because I was so absurd. Months ago, there was one time Dr. Hussein appeared to be under the weather during class and at dismissal, he went to a corner, took his glasses off and massaged his temple. I turned to Dijah the diplomatic classmate who was the regular liaison and easily assumed as his favourite and said "He doesn't look well. Are you going to ask him about it?"

She glanced and agreed. She went over to him and he greeted her amiably. I died inside of jealousy, I want that kind of greeting too!! And so I kept my head down and glared dagger at the table in front of me. She returned later and told me he had a headache but he was fine. And then she left.

I was moping in my seat and tried to calm myself before I realised I was the last in class. I exited slowly behind him and suddenly the dean turned around and asked "Are you okay?"

It caught me off guard and I interpreted his tone hada somewhat 'what a weird kid' note to it. I stumbled out "Yes" before I ran away.

I effing ran. God. Stupid idiot.

---

I need to work on this weird way of expressing my love (don't take me wrongly, there are plenty shades of love as I learned throughout the years) otherwise I will be in trouble in the future. I can already imagine all the mess from my social awkwardness.

Serendipity has left me

As mentioned in the previous post, we had a day-trip to Alex yesterday. Instead of taking a microbus back, we stowed away on the 5pm train to make it back in Cairo by dusk. We already missed Saturday's impromptu class so we didn't want to miss Sunday.

And this morning, we just received the news that class was cancelled for today, tomorrow, and day after. At that news, I simply went flat and spineless. My day seemed bleak. I hate ironies.

But the reason class be cancelled must be because sir was super extra busy. So I should get up and celebrate today's extra-business by being super extra productive...

I need to grow some spine.

---

I don't want to go back to Malaysia yet. Or at all. But going back is to honour my family's love for me, so I must. I bought the tickets way earlier was to ensure mom that I really am coming back.

Guys, see how much I love you here? If anyone dares complain I'm not doing enough I will smack their heads.

A hypocrite in love

I skipped class today. Because I slept in at 6 plus because it was too early to shower. I know it was stupid and I would never wake up by 7 plus, but I slept in anyway. Woke up way too late for class.

Felt terrible, but maybe accustomed to it already. Today was a Thursday. Last class for the week. I think for every night I went out to the hospital, there will be difficulty the next morning.

As it was, we planned to go to Alex this weekend. Friend made appointment with the doc on Saturday. She messaged me just now and said "Sorry we're going to miss Dr. Hussein's class on Saturday."

"Miss Saturday's class?" Did she mean Sunday?

"He just mentioned there will be class on Saturday. But I've already bought the train tickets."

"It's okay. Proceed."

But I feel like crying. It's one thing to miss because of own stupid circumstances, it's another when you're made to miss.

---

It's less than a month to going back to Malaysia but I'm terribly missing him already. This is a twisted love confession of mine. Just saying without doing is not love. I'm terrible at this.

God, if it wasn't for the fact I've bought the international and domestic tickets, I'd plead mom to let me stay in Egypt a little longer.

That's why I love you

You should be with people who bring out the best in you. People that simply by being in their presence inspires you to go out there and do something good. Their smiles are contagious, their aura intensify yours.

They could either be the people you learn from, people you work with, people you live with, people you hang out with, etc. Generally they are brave and patient people because it takes a lot to let/nurture people to be the best they are. Brave enough to let you grow within and beyond their possible power, brave enough to put their trust in your strength, brave enough to help you get back on your feet when you fall (and you will), brave enough to let you be the best of you.

I am not limiting this to the scope of positive people, thus you should be strong in a sense that even negative people will make you be a better person by learning not to be like them.

There was this Korean horror rom-com where the female lead could see ghosts and she kept her (dis)ability a secret from the people around her fearing that they would be repulsive of her. One colleague, this sweet guy named Candy Kang, said this when he wanted to get close to her:

"I'll be brave. You be strong."

They didn't work out romantically, but that scene was really.. Yeah. It teaches me the many shades of love.

And as a sign of gratitude, you should never take them for granted, keep doing your best and likewise be a person who brings out the best in others around you (perhaps to those negatives around you). This obliges you give more than just an ounce of care, be terrifically patient and to do your best in this department.

Sounds tough because it is, but trust me it will be worth it. If you can't believe me now, you'll believe me on your deathbed. Good luck, Hana.

---

I personally believe I am who I am because of such people in my life. My teachers now and then, university friends, seniors and juniors, secondary school friends, juniors and seniors, primary school friends, family members especially my parents who let me roam and learn for myself because they believe in what I can do. They are very patient with me (at my worst, I'm too difficult and very reckless) and I can't even imagine their bravery in the trust they put in me. I always imagine them deep down already readied their heart for me unintentionally hurting them or for a phone call with the worst possible news about me.

These are the type of people I am drawn to. All the fangirling that I do, all the professor-crushes I have, that one doctor I truly love and respect, that one guy I still hold on to despite the impossibles, and generally all the people I keep around me. Hehe.

And Umair. I think I write a lot about her lately. I don't really hang with her 24/7 or always sit next to her in class. There was once last week I even ignored her in class just because.

Me: (in class, headphone on, answered Nisa's question and then turned to my right) Did someone just call my name?
Ume: (smiling from her three seats down) I did.
Me: (toneless) What's up?
Ume: Nothing just felt like saying hi.
Me: (turned back to the front without missing a beat)

By default she probably went glaring at my back, biting her lower lips with her hand up in the air ready to smack my head. She didn't hold it against me nor delete me from her circle of close friends because "I'm aware of your idiosyncrasies" and regardless of our distance, she always amazes me with her level of trust in me. I don't know why I am so lucky or why she is so nice. Maybe she's got a screw loose somewhere, haha.

Anyway. I hope such people will always be in my life and for the one I'm settling with for the rest of my future. And for me to be such a person to the people around me as well.

Tonight I'm humming Blue - Best in Me.

The heart will always locate

So! I was on my way to Plastic class at 12pm, walking with Wani pass the old library, talking about things and thinking when would I eat since I haven't anything since 10pm last night.

We turned towards right at in front of the library door when suddenly out of the corner of my eye I saw a familiar figure walking towards us. He raised his smile in recognition and I reflexively turned to my left to face him.

I called out his name excitedly, super happy to see his smile. "How are you!!"

"Fine fine," his hand in a humble salute.

We all kept on walking in our respective destinations, but this is not just a simple crush here. I turned around, stopped walking and took my sunnies off. Oh God if only I had my specs on!

"Are you doing well, doctor?"

"Yes I am, how about you?"

"Yeah we're doing great," Oh no I felt shy, I had so much to say, I really missed this guy. "See you."

Smiles and we turned our back to each other. I squirmed to Wani. "My whole day is brightened!!"

And proceeded to gush super fangirl style. How I really missed our class with him, how I hated when cat got my tongue when facing the people I really love and admire, how I envied Khadijah for being able to freely talk with whoever she wanted. Wani simply chuckled at my antic.

As soon as I got to my seat in Plastic, I turned to Umair.

"Guess who I just met!" With a stupid grin.

"Dr. Mostafa?"

Who? Oh right Department 11B's.. yeah I fancy that guy but we're talking about love here!! 

"Someone who totally brightened up my whole day. Nothing no one can do to ruin today!"

"Who was it that made Hana cry the other day?" Humairah asked.

Umair exclaimed his name and I nodded hopelessly. My excitement reduced me to a blubbering idiot who described the encounter in total with hand gestures, grinned and squirmed and nearly jumped and all those things a refined lady wouldn't make.

"Look at this excited monkey," Umair and the others laughed at me. Ahh who cares. "Did you hugged him?"

"I wish! If only I was his daughter-in-law or a guy. Damn if I was a guy I would have hugged him."

And proceeded to squirm in my seat some more.

---

1.45pm and we took a picture with Dr. Hameed Qadri since it was our last day in Plastic Department and tomorrow we will have our exam. Exited the department and my stomach growled.

Oh I forgot I haven't eaten. Okay let's find you some food.

Walked with Nisa towards our lecture hall. Talked to her how I was thinking of naming my second son after this favourite doctor of mine but I really liked the name Nasrullah, inspired by one of the seniors I respect.

"Just name the third son Nasrullah."

"So you mean I have to have three sons? What if I have all girls, it's going to take a while- Oh God. It's him."

We were passing in front of the Lecture Hall A and somehow I caught a sight of him discussing with an Egyptian girl. My my, aren't your radar in full-function today.

"Stop Nisa stop. I need to take a picture."

"Cmon Hana," Nisa laughed. "This is embarrassing."

"No no it won't," I quickly had my handphone out. "Stand beside me, it'll look like two girls taking a selfie, nothing weird. I'll just take a behind-shoulder shot of him."

She laughed and played along.

"Ahh this spot here is bad. We need to change." I dragged her to the benches in front of the Anatomy Department.

"You're really in stalker mode you know."

"No, it's not like I stalked him here. A simple encounter. There. Okay, done."

♥v♥

"Now what were we doing? Ah yes, lunch and lecture."

In which Haru is disoriented

The third day in the department, Nisa and I went to sign our attendance and suddenly Madam Shaheen the secretary asked, "Do Malaysians marry Egyptians?"

I squirmed and answered as elusive as I could. "Erm no because our families are in Malaysia and international marriage is tough."

Questions like this really make me feel bad. The guys who signed their names after us snickered despite me looking back at them pleading for assistance. They seemed happy to have us take one for the team, Zizou even laughed a "sudah la~" at us.

I wanted to dismiss myself and run without looking back, but she held us back. "Is there a case where Malaysian marries an Egyptian? Male or female?"

"Yes there are of course," this answer will expose myself to deeper trouble, but I don't know how to lie. "So far I think there's more female Malaysians marrying male Egyptians than the other way around."

"Oh I see. Can you tell us about Malaysian food? What do you usually eat?"

---

On the day of our General Surgery end round exam, I took a picture with Madam Shaheen. I like her because she does her job well and she introduced herself by name on our first day at Department 11B. She is so far the best secretary in the whole Kasr el Ainy. And after our conversation that time, she was friendly and kind to me. Saw her at the bank once and we had a short chat.

The whole picture thing saw me being laughed at because one, I was the one (probably the only student who'll take pictures with a non-teaching staff) excitedly approaching her and second, she kissed my cheek and I went blushing awkwardly and Umair the photographer told her to kiss me again because she didn't catch the first one on camera.

Ara then said she was my mom-in-law candidate and laughed at me again, haha. I was going to reply that I'm gay, but I feared people will attack me and condemn my usrah organization for coming out so brazenly, haha. I am messed up but I'm protective when it comes to people who have a share or try their best for me; be it parents, teachers, murabbies, janitors, whatever you call them.

---

Truth is I am asexual and currently in a long distance relationship. This is us, I'm the rolled up one. It's okay because otherwise I'm everyone else's bully.

Bwahaha.