Drown, you stupid idiot

I need to get this out of my system and then I'll go back to Urology. Like always, read silently and don't mind me.

By default, I get jealous very easily.

When someone else has something I really wanted, it makes me want to throw myself on the floor and growl why it wasn't me. But it's not going to get me what I want.

When I like someone very much and someone else approach him so easily (as it is, the more I like someone the awkwarder I become), it makes me want to throw a tantrum so his attention will be on me. Even thinking of that situation makes me want to break things and hurl anything across the room. But that's super childish and I haven't done anything to worth his attention and he's in no position to obligate either, sobs. I'm just going to be hated if I do so.

Being the rational adult I am, all I can do is drop my head on the table and pretend to be momentarily blind. Sometimes I literally slap myself back to senses.

The things I always tell myself are "love is appreciation, not possession" and "everything is Allah's and nothing is mine". It works most of the time to keep my sanity in check and wonders when it comes to possesive over things. But it is dramatically less effective when it comes to people that really matters. I have moments of weakness, too.

My motto is to be happy and live proud, but I'm not proud of this side of me. It makes me helpless and miserable.

You know what, I think it was writen in a draft and I didn't publish it because I was so absurd. Months ago, there was one time Dr. Hussein appeared to be under the weather during class and at dismissal, he went to a corner, took his glasses off and massaged his temple. I turned to Dijah the diplomatic classmate who was the regular liaison and easily assumed as his favourite and said "He doesn't look well. Are you going to ask him about it?"

She glanced and agreed. She went over to him and he greeted her amiably. I died inside of jealousy, I want that kind of greeting too!! And so I kept my head down and glared dagger at the table in front of me. She returned later and told me he had a headache but he was fine. And then she left.

I was moping in my seat and tried to calm myself before I realised I was the last in class. I exited slowly behind him and suddenly the dean turned around and asked "Are you okay?"

It caught me off guard and I interpreted his tone hada somewhat 'what a weird kid' note to it. I stumbled out "Yes" before I ran away.

I effing ran. God. Stupid idiot.

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I need to work on this weird way of expressing my love (don't take me wrongly, there are plenty shades of love as I learned throughout the years) otherwise I will be in trouble in the future. I can already imagine all the mess from my social awkwardness.