Puppy 2

Disclaimer: This is me having a conversation with myself. I see it as a sounding board, you might see it as insane. So it points to us using different dictionaries.

Last night I dreamt of Dr. Hussein. I was seated on his right during a dinner. He chatted me up throughout the night but I could only listened and nodded quietly, almost awkwardly.

Later I went up to him and apologised. Admitted I am so shy around him.

I forgot how it ended, but that dream was close to the truth. I'm almost always so shy around him. I focus on his presence and his words and could barely say a word without stammering.

I miss Dr. Hussein very much :'( I wish him a lot of happiness in his days. Fi hifzillah ya duktur.

I haven't send him that email. It's almost as if I'm refraining myself from doing so. I know he will be happy to hear from me; his student. He gave me his email himself, remember? So what could possibly be holding me back?

I feel.. Scared. Maybe I'm afraid he thinks of me as super excited and weird. I'm afraid he will think I'm boring.

I guess this is my by-default way of dealing with things I miss that is taking the upperhand here. The more I miss something, the more I refrain myself to avoid feeling attached.

But I'm already attached.

Animal lover

I remember once Dr. Hussein was telling us the diagnosis for a certain infection.. haha I forgot the title. Fine I'll scrounge for my notes in the morning. Anyway, as usual we have serological study, blood cultures bla3 and last but not least inoculation into animal.

Usually any professor will just mention "mycobacterium leprosy into banded armadillo" and begone with it, but Dr. Hussein was different.

He mentioned the bacteria and the animal inoculated (guinea pigs I think), and then he stressed how overdone the procedure is. How he is against us using animals inoculation and we shouldn't be doing it. Poor cute souls inoculated just for a confirmed diagnosis.

He spent close to a minute to get that message across. I grinned wider and noted him. That day was 34 weeks ago. A summer class not in the usual hall but in Dr. Saeed Gomaa's usual hall instead. Sir had three caped pens lined up in his shirt pocket. It was amusing. Why would anyone need three pens lined up in his shirt pocket?

One of my favourite thing to do, if you haven't figure out by now, is to analyse him.

Haru Mitsui, MBBCh

Today was the graduation ceremony. This morning before the rehearsal; prova as we call it, I went to Dr. Hussein's class and after lecture was dismissed for clinical to commence, he noticed me and directly asked about the result that came out yesterday.

He wasn't happy at all that none of us got Mumtaz for Surgery, voiced verbally and expressed facially. It was quite unnerving to be at the receiving end of it. He asked what happened and all I could do was sheepishly apologise and tell him my hope that the next batch will do better.

---

"The graduation is this evening, right? I might not be able to make it, fa don't be upset. Please send my apology to the students."

"Oh."

His words that followed was drowned by that realisation, but I quickly regained my smile. "Okay. It's okay sir." I sort of understood why and sort of knew this would come.

"I know I'm supposed to give a speech but I have.. ya3ni.. I have my own reasons."

"Haha don't worry sir. I understand. I'll tell the others you send them your apology."

"I will send a formal apology baa to the committee-"

---

"All of you are going back on 13th?"

"No, some of us are going back on the 2nd. I'm included."

"2nd! 2nd is too soon.."

"Yes, it's on Monday."

"Monday.. Ah yes, 1st is a Sunday. Do you have my email?"

"No, I don't."

"Here, take it. H-" I quickly took out whatever piece of paper I could grab from my bag and handed it to him. "Let me write it down."

Dr. Hussein offering me his email... I would die happy.

---

I met sir half an hour later because I couldn't find the mood to pass him the souvenir I got him from Dahab when I first met him. I met him with Dijah, Qoh, Su Badr and Nadie and we caught him in front of the north entrance chatting with Dr. Amina Borhamy and another doctor.

We hugged Dr. Amina who congratulated us. I listened in as he chatted with Dijah and before we all parted, he told them what he told me earlier.

"I might not make it-"

"No don't say that," Dr. Amina cut him. "You have to come."

Yeah sir, it's not something anyone would like to hear... but I do think it's better to know he's not coming so to prepare emotionally rather than anticipate his attendance only to feel stood up.

---

"I went to Sinai and Dahab the last three days with my parents, and this is something we got for you."

"Thank you."

I grinned.

"Merci, merci, merci.." The face was unreadable.

---

We were leaving for the prova, he needed to go to his clinical class. As he turned around, with my souvenir in his hand, he said

"Enjoy this moment. Because it's not coming back. So enjoy it." With his usual awkward nod.

"Okay sir."

I turned around to hide my teary eyes and walked away with my friends. "Kenapa doktor kata "not coming back"?"

Qoh half-hugged me. I was crying. Why did he say that? What's not coming back? Where is he going?

"Doktor cakap "not coming back". Kenapa dia kena cakap macam tu?"

---

I came early and observed his seat on the stage was labelled with his name. I observed each and every one of the VIP during their procession and when it ended, he was nowhere in sight and his seat was occupied by someone else.

Yeah, he's not coming. Thank you for telling me in advance, I would have threw a fit if I realise we were stood up. I sobered myself up and decided this ceremony will be emotionally handled as stoic formal. This is all business; a curt smile, a sharp bow, receive my scroll and off I go do whatever I want.

Haru's mantra that night was "Fa don't be upset".

---

Dr. Hussein was absent, Dr. Amina was absent. Dr. Heba went four times to claim the tokens of appreciation across the stage before finally claiming her own.

It felt like Dr. Heba was working extra effort to cover up for them.

---

Greeted Dr. Shen immediately after dismissal. "Dr. Ahmed!" Wide grin.

"Ya Hana," he grinned back. My grin got wider baa hahaha.

We exchanged words and I told him I hope to see him at the department, and he said he'd be waiting for us at the department this Monday.

Iskun asked me to take a picture of him with Dr. Shen. After that, I turned to sir and asked if I could take a picture with him.

"Of course!"

But Melle was too far away and so I asked Iskun to take a picture for me using his phone. I stood on his right and just as Iskun readied to snap the picture... ZIZOU CAME RUNNING AND STOOD ON HIS LEFT.

Sibukkk -_-

But we proceeded because I pity Zizou was so happy hyper to stand beside Dr. Shen and Zizou is a good friend who helped me a lot through domestic challenges, like handling leaking cooking gas tank to going to police offices for my fire report. I could also use this to bully him in the future.

Iskun gestured for me to stand closer to Dr. Shen, but I know Dr. Shen is careful on things like this, so I carefully watched my space between us.

---

My dad asked what did I understand from his vague reasoning. I told dad that "Dr. Hussein is kind of like you. Silently protesting."

As his student, I respect his every decisions.

Have a good day today, sir.

Sir was surrounded by other students after class. I stalled for a while debating whether to wait to greet him or not. I don't want to impose, so I went straight out for Dhuha prayer instead.

It was a very chilly 9am and prova was scheduled to start in an hour. I stared at the street just staring at passersby and came upon Dr. Magdi Ibrahim our O&G professor walking in front of me. I thought of going up to him and introducing myself as his student two years ago and thanking him, but I simply observed him and didn't get up from the bench I was sitting on.

I remembered I haven't send in my syahadah asliyyah, so I prepared the documents and went to Syuun Tullab to have it settled. As I walked near, I saw a familiar old professor walking towards the Physiology building. He was the head of Physiology department when we were first years and he taught Kidney Physiology in my class. I remembered how clear his teaching was and I liked his awesome smirk the most, but his name didn't register.

He looked older but healthy nevertheless. I smiled and greeted him with a "Assalamualaikum sir, how are you?"

He greeted me back plus the smirk I was most amused of.

On my way out of the campus after prova, I walked pass the Anatomy building and saw Dr. Shen walking towards the professors' parking space carrying with him a bouquet of flowers. I stopped in my track. He was looking straight on and I observed his neutral side features. It felt weird not to see him with a bright smile.

As I stalled and other students walked pass me, Dr. Shen had already walked pass my path. If I were to greet him, I'd have to deviate from my path to catch up with him. I decided to stop and observe him as he made his way and entered his car. Walking behind him was a group of ladies carrying centerpiece of flowers and I deduced he had a conference of some sort at LRC, since this morning I saw an errand boy carrying that same centerpiece.

The last time I saw Dr. Shen on campus, I went hyper like a puppy. But I have realised my respect for him is at par to my respect for our syuyukh and it felt wrong to go hyper on him, Dr. Hussein too. I didn't oath my love and respect for Dr. Shen for nothing. He's exactly like a dear ikhwah to me.

And maybe after daily seeing Dr. Hussein, I have somewhat calmed down in general.

I continued my walk towards the main gate.

---

This evening, as I reflected upon my day, I wondered why I didn't make extra effort to greet my doctors. Tomorrow and the day after are weekdays. Sunday to Tuesday I'm going to Sinai with my family and there goes my morning classes.

I don't know when will I have the chance to catch Dr. Magdi again. Dr. Shen will be at the graduation but he'll be busy surrounded by my many other colleagues. Apart from the graduation, I'm only going to see Dr. Hussein in his class on Wednesday, Thursday, Sunday and Monday.

And Monday will be my last day in Egypt.. until next time. I'm definitely spending Monday going from one department to another, greeting.

المحبة لا تسقط أبداً

سنة حلوة يا جميل يا ابونا يا قدوتنا يا دكتور أحباء كل مخلوقات الله
كل عام حضرتك بخير وأقرب إلى الله
طول عمرك في حفظ الله و عقبال 100 سنة سعيدة وصحة قوية وسلامة ونجاح مع كل ما عندك
سهل الله لك في كل مسؤولية

هسافر ماليزيا بعد قليل من اسبوعين و إن شاء الله هشوف حضرتك في المستقبل القريب
اللهم آمين

Lucky dogs

After I crossed the street, my left foot landed in a hole and it gave way. Unlucky for me to fall on my bad foot. I quickly righted myself and prayed it wasn't a herald for an unlucky day ahead.

It proved to be not.

We had our last day of internship at the Endocrine clinic and we waited in front of the clinic for the doctor to come. I was walking to and fro, hyped after my to3miyah bil beidh breakfast and talking to Humairah about current issues when suddenly my brain stopped working from what glimpsed into the periphery of my vision.

"Dr. Hussein Dr. Hussein!" My eyes widened and I grinned widest. Whatever I was saying to Humairah was lost the moment I registered Dr. Hussein striding towards the main OPC building and my legs were already skipping towards his direction.

"Where?" Humairah asked.

"There! Over there! It's Dr. Hussein! I want to follow him!"

Sir was actually 50 meters away from where I was skipping happily. I turned around to grin excitedly at Humairah and I noticed the two guys were grinning at me. Nazrin was semi-hanging his head probably to be polite despite openly amused and Chip looked at me with a normal smile.

For once, Chip was normal. I must have weirded them out. I forgot they existed, I should have behaved BUT THIS IS DR. HUSSEIN HELL I CARE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE HAHAHA.

"If you follow him, you're just going to bother him," Chip said in a kind tone. The one you use with a difficult kid.

"But I'm a good kid!"

But we were waiting for our doctor and it would be disrespectful to ditch the team to go run after Dr. Hussein. I stood still and watched until he disappeared from my sight. Then I sat down with my team and blabbered about his possible destination.

Surgery OPC? Was the Surgery intern group having OPC today? Are they going to have Dr. Hussein today? I want to join them if so!

Or did he just use the OPC building to commute to the Manial Hospital? Then what was he doing going through the main OPC gate? Did he just arrive on campus?

No, that's not possible. I walked with him once and he used the main campus gate to commute to the Manial Hospital. It must be the Surgery OPC.

Two minutes later the doctor had yet to show up and I was beyond restless. Too many questions! I shouldered my bag and went to the main OPC building without a word nor a glance to my team.

I walked to the Surgery clinic and debated whether to go in or not. I waited outside for a while before calling Umair. She had Surgery today. I called her multiple times but she didn't pick up.

I decided to be a good girl and went back to my team. Bought myself sweet coffee at the spot where I first saw sir and went back to the Endocrine clinic... only to find Radhi sitting there alone, finishing her ODOJ. The doctor definitely didn't arrive yet otherwise they would have called me or the person waiting for me would have ushered me in.

"Where's everyone?"

"The girls went to send in their syahadah asliyyah. The guys went to buy drinks."

Lol. Did they took me bailing as a cue?

One minute later, Dr. Rokaya Abdel Aziz arrived. I immediately stood up for her and introduced ourselves for permission to join her clinic today.

A professor in the clinic today! I learned a lot from just watching her interact with the patients. She actually gave LE100 to one patient who came for follow up of her hypothyroidism, telling her it was for her daughters.

With Prof Dr. Rokaya Abdel Aziz, she taught us a lot of lectures and coordinated a lot of our classes. Allahumma bless her with health and happiness, ameen.

Dammit why am I the shortest in my team. 

Words cannot express how regretful I am

I reinstated 7am class in my planner and set it to Repeat daily weekdays. The planner asked me to set the repeat until when, so I scrolled to choose Repeat Until 2nd of March-

When realisation hit me, my eyes were watery and a lone tear escaped.

I am so... sorry...

Urgh, I better start working by April grr.

Khamasin otherwise known as Gaara-on-a-rampage Day

Sir was writing down the day's syllabus on the board when I took my seat. He then started teaching without noticing me. He was in the middle of describing to the class when he looked sideways and saw me.

He chuckled in the middle of his sentence. Hahaha yes I made it! This was very rewarding.

---

Sir asked the class what was the term for an intervention given prior to a complaint. Some student answered prophylactic, but he wanted another term.

Preemptive?

"It is widely used in anaesthesia.."

"Preemptive," I answered.

"Correct." Of course I could answer correctly, if I couldn't it would have been a disgrace. For the next few minutes he kept repeating the word's usage to emphasise its meaning. All those time I was feeling extra proud of myself. Haru was "don't grin, don't grin."

---

After dismissing the class, sir immediately went to Kie's row and I was standing nearby waiting patiently to greet him. I overheard him requesting a list of the names of Malaysian students attending his class. I grinned. It was definitely from last night when he said he regretted not knowing all of our names.

He was showing true sincere dedication. I have to do my best too.

Sir turned around and smiled at me. After exchanging pleasantries, his first sentence was how grateful he was for last night's event.

Gaaaaaaaaaaa I love our professor!

Tonight tonight kono omoi

Tonight, among others, I told Dr. Hussein that I enjoyed his emails to the official school mailing address very much. I really did. He smiled warmly and said "I'm really glad you enjoyed it."

I should have told him that I especially liked his email wishing us the best for our final exams and when he wished to see us in the near future as colleagues. It really sparked my perseverance to study. I truly am looking forward to be his colleague, inshaAllah.

Tonight was beautiful. I am grateful eternally for the best seat in the house; next to Dr. Hussein, opposite Dr. Heba who was between Dr. Souad and Dr. Ahmed. Four of my most beloved teachers in Egypt. Thank you Bahiran, Hafizi and Mat for giving me the opportunity to co-host the event.

At the end of the night, I noticed how warm Dr. Hussein's smile was as we chatted. And I told him "I will see you inshaAllah at your class in my usual seat in front of you, sir."

"Ya riit (I hope)." He chuckled.

Haha. It's half past twelve. I better sleep now.

P/s: Title is from CNBLUE'S Still lyric. It meant "tonight tonight all this feelings".

Scrub

I studied O&G in year 5 with minimal interest because I didn't like the principle of the subject to save the mother first instead of the fetus. But I did well, interest-wise, during Obs posting today.

Dr. Ahmed Toriq handled Department 10 very awesomely today and coolly teached us, instead of our tutor-of-the-day, while CSing an IUFD with only the nurse assisting him. He then went back to the department and after Dr. Ahmed and Dr. Nada completed today's plan for us, he teached us in between doing PV, administrating drugs, checking lines, CTG and into the theatre for NVD. The cool guy barely stood silent let alone sat down, and we had all these other doctors in the department I wondered what they were for. Haha.

He is a very very tall person and his favourite is the cowboy knot. I'd say he's an assistant lecturer in his early 30's. His teaching was clear and I noted three quotes from him, all medical.

"As long as I'm dissecting in the right plane, adhesion is minimal."

"Before I leave, make sure there's no bleeding and uterus is contracting. It is hard like stone," while pulling his disposable gloves and gown off and coolly went to wash his hands after a successful NVD.

"Meconium is very thick it is not easy to pull with suction."

He will make one very awesome professor one day for making me interested enough in a subject I have minimal interest in to actually quote down medical notes; I've only ever done this with Dr. Hussein. I wish him all the best and ease in his career.

---

But really, I like Paeds better. I wanted to buddy up with the a6fal in charge at the department but strangely enough there was only one and he disappeared after Zohor prayer, I didn't even get to ask him how did he managed the IUFD case. The rest of the babies born later at the department were cleaned off by the obs.

The good thing about O&G aside from Dr. Ahmed Toriq is fresh babies, so I stood around the fresh babes and scrutinised their APGAR score. Flicked one of those babes little foot gently to make him cry and fill more oxygen in his lungs and prayed he hurry up and cough out all those secretions, I cannot suck them for him I was scared the nurse will throw me out. But the babe did fine, I made sure he wasn't in RD.

Anyway. Because I was inspired, I picked out a new scrub after class. This time I went for the really nice pricey ones with beautiful pants cutting and multiple pocket patches. Costed me a good LE125 but I was happier with this purchase than I was with my first two.

Humairah suggested light blue or aqua green commonly associated with surgeons, but those colours made me scrunch up my nose. The best thing about Egypt is you get to wear whatever coloured scrub you want, haha. In Malaysia I most probably can't wear them at work, but I'm thinking of going on-calls wearing scrub under my white coat, or scrub top with jeans like I do on lazier days, or pair the newly bought scrub pants with anything else since the cutting and the colour were very smart.

For the record, I have now three sets of scrub. A light grey, a navy and now a dark grey. Why do I need three sets of scrub, I don't know.

---

After we clocked out O&G at 4pm, at the car park we came across the senior ortho surgeon who was the main surgeon for two surgeries I observed yesterday. He was walking sort of aimlessly, so when he got nearer, I greeted him a "Assalamualaikum doctor."

He looked rather taken aback and stumbled with his "akhbarik eeh" but I simply smiled at him and berated myself. Of course he would be confused. I need to properly introduce myself to people next time.

Hana, it should have gone,
"How are you sir. I'm one of the final year students who observed your tibia and acetabulum internal fixation yesterday. I learned a lot, thank you sir."

Puppy

I saw Dr. Hussein taking the turn from the courniche to the campus's bridge this morning as I crossed the road and you know what I did, of course I ran across it (expertly to avoid being run over by Cairo's traffic) and excitedly took a paparazzi shot from behind to commemorate today, a little peeved that he was walking alone without being greeted by anyone on the street, don't they know he is THE Dr. Hussein?

But I quickly matched my step to casually fall beside him and I turned to him, "Assalamualaikum Dr. Hussein, good morning sir."

He smiled, nodded and greeted back the standard "Izzayyik, akhbarik eeh."

"Alhamdulillah, doing fine." I grinned back and "Have a good day today sir," and he nodded gratefully, a small smile and "You too."

I was on hyper mode, super hyper, high and euphoric. To meet him on my way to O&G; a posting I am not that keen on and with a rather nasty mood from a message I received this morning. It was a blessing, alhamdulillah, my day was brightened and nothing can ruin my day now.

I was actually two steps ahead of him then as I didn't want to bother him so that's why I went for a greet-and-bye, but we're going in the same direction and I was really really really excited, have you ever seen me super duper excited? Of course I matched back our pace and asked him the one thing that bugged me from the last week I saw him.

Sir then was going to ask something as I was also going to say something so we both paused and sir said, "Go on, what were you saying?" And I happily blabbed away and sir answered all my hyper ques.

Truthfully I wanted to silently and respectfully walk beside him because I didn't like seeing him walking alone. I didn't want to be friendly because though I love him, I don't think he even remembers me and he seemed a little awkward at my hype. It's the peril of a one-sided love bordering on creepy stalking. But I was really really really so very happy to see him I didn't know what to do with myself.

We parted at the main gate because I had to take the students entrance (yesterday I was already at the patient's entrance on the far right but the effing guard shooed me to the far left student entrance and I was so pissed off I swore to never deal with the stupid stupid restricted entrance rule), and I walked backwards as I wished him a happy day before I ran off excitedly. I kept my eyes on sir and noticed only one guard at the gate saluted him a good morning and it made me so angry. I passed through my gate flashing the guard my ID without so much as a glance at him, mark me I'm never this rude before.

Inside the ground, I kept my eyes on him. It was five to nine and I smiled fondly thinking it was quite a change of pace to see him clocking in by nine instead of usually seeing him making his rounds on the campus before seven. But I quickly wondered; was it a good thing?

I noticed no one greeted him as he steadily walked along the main campus road towards the old Manial Hospital, same place I was going. I wondered if he would be taking the dean's building entrance but he walked pass it towards the north entrance, same entrance I was taking.

I wondered why sir didn't use that entrance. It connects with his Department 29 much faster and I used that route everytime I walk from his lecture to his clinical session. In fact, the dean's building is the fastest route to use if you're going to any middle part of the 2nd or 3rd floor of the Manial Hospital.

But I no longer take it because few days ago when I walked through it, the man standing guard in front sighed but let me pass anyway probably because he was too late to stop me. Sighed and not shouted because I am a Malaysian and not an Arab student. I still use it as an exit route though, buzz off anyone stopping me.

I hate the nowadays strict entrance rule, it made the campus less friendly.

As I observed him walking steadily towards the north entrance, silently passing people with a solemn look, I wondered why no one greeted him. He's the ex dean... Coupled with him not using the dean's building entrance, it felt like he was couped out of his title.

Yeah.. he was.

With him was an electric kettle box and his coat hung on his arm. Did the department's kettle broke down and he bought one to replace it? Turned right at the north entrance and I walked straight for my O&G Hospital, my eyes caught him taking the stairs. I skipped and charged forward to one of the happiest day of my life.

Until I realised we parted without me giving sir the chance to say what he was going to say. HARUUUUU YOU STUPIDDDDDDD!!!

I cursed my retardation. This was more retarded than forgetting to prescribe diuretics to a nephrotic patient in my written MBBCh Batnah!! (I laid out a lengthy case management but after I got back did I realise I forgot Lasix FML.) I went exactly like a puppy yapping excitedly whenever I see him. Where did all my cool gone to?

Please Allah give me the chance to run into him again please please please I promise I will behave and be remembered properly.

Smiless

Today I walked with Dr. Heba to her car and I stayed silent because I respect her so much I don't know what to say despite grinning inside. It's like an excited puppy with its master. But I responded well to all her questions, I guess she realised I was awkward with her.

On our way back, she was on my left when suddenly she greeted someone merrily in Arabic. I turned to see and guess who it was?

None other than DR. HUSSEIN KHAIRY!!

I automatically went into fangirl mode with super smile and hyper "Hello sir how are you!" And he smiled at meeeeeeeee! A real smile! I worked hard today and met Dr. Heba for Dr. Acap Haider's sake and Allah gifted me Dr. Hussein's smile! I sure hope it was because he remembered me as his student, the girl who always ponteng his class but when she comes she sits in the front bench to the right of the hall.

Maybe that was just a genuine smile to one of his very many campus godchildren, but anyway let me lie and be happy.

His hair was as wild as always, he looked good, he looked happy(er), a little worn out but less strained than when I usually see him walking around patrolling the campus. He was wearing his worn out navy red striped shirt with the sleeves rolled up and carrying with him a weird cardboard cutouts in a plastic wrap.

Dr. Heba pulled me nearer to her without turning to me while she faced Dr. Hussein with her smile. She talked to him in rapid Arabic and when I realised she just said "sir you will come to the kids' graduation day, yes?" my eyes dilated bigger and I jumped in (albeit in English) "Please sir, you have to come!"

He grinned at me but seemed reluctant and made excuses. "I'll see if I'm not busy that day," he said in Arabic.

They continued their pushing-and-pulling-away with mentions of gifts and certs. I stood there, absorbing the fact I was finally seeing the esteemed ex dean. Finally, I don't have to wait for his class to resume after the winter break to see him!

We parted because we all had other errands to attend to. As I resumed walking with Dr. Heba, I asked "He is going to come to the graduation, right?"

"He will. He just need some pushing," Dr. Heba smiled and made a pull-and-push gesture with her fist. I laughed.

"He has too. He is the beloved dean in our heart."

"Ahh, but you've only spent a day with the new dean."

"Dr. Hussein has been with us for the past three years, that is why."

---

I have no idea who the dean was before Dr. Hussein. He was a shadow of a name I don't even recall. When Dr. Hussein took office democratically voted by the faculty members, he opened his door for us students. He met us, listened to us and took care of us. Every morning before his 7am daily free lecture, he will make his round on the campus. Even the resident three-legged dog Kimi liked him!

He was so much in our campus life and during our last crucial years. I imagined receiving my scroll from him and to take a picture with him in our academic robe since Gen07's graduation early in 2014, it's so hard to undue the image now..

P/s: I saw Kimi yesterday and I thought, perhaps Dr. Hussein amputated his leg? He is a vascular and general surgeon and he is an animal lover and is generally curious enough to explore his passion, it was possible he studied the anatomy of a dog's lower limb for Kimi's sake.

Or he assisted his vet friend maybe? I need to solve the mystery of Kimi's leg before I BFG.

Misery loves company

I was planning to write in colloquial Malay but after the second sentence, I don't know what to write. Haha failed. I need to berlatih karangan BM, maybe after the exam. Okay on with today's post.

Today we had our Surgery viva for 20 marks out of the 240 marks allocated for clinical exams. It is so ciput, less than 10% but it could well be the scariest exam out of the four clinical parts. Because Dr. Raafat is one of the examiner.

You know him, right? I wrote a lot about him, click the Surgery label. He taught our class every Tuesday and us classmates were especially very anxious for today's exam because we didn't want to be vivaed by him. I personally believe he likes us Malaysian students in his sadistic way and will give good marks to us, but I cannot handle that much sadistic play on an exam day. The psychological damage!

Yesterday Ara messaged me (rare) with a crying emoji (rarer). When asked why, she told me she was so scared of Dr. Raafat and asked me to pray for her (rarest).

See the effect he has on us? I used to be stressed out every Monday night because I dread tomorrow's class, torn between the tons I will learn from him and the psychological strain learning from him put on me. We had a ward-round-like class with him and even with a kind doctor nobody wanted to take the sheet, what more with a menacing aura like him? Because the one clerking will be broken down word by word, knowledge by knowledge, until you feel stupid and extremely sorry for it.

I ended up almost always have to clerk for my bed (thus the weekly dreading) and presented during our final class project with him. I remember standing there alone in front of the class, looking straight into the lion's eyes and mentally telling myself not to back down. Even when he incessantly fired his questions, our assistant lecturer Dr. Ahmed Abdel Salam pitifully chuckled at me for being butchered (I bet he got worse during their CME session hahaha) and the whole class watched in silent but gleeful pity. I went home that day and told my parents about it. They were grateful I had him for my teacher.

It's okay to die as long as you learn. And we really did learn a hell lot and I have high respect for him. The most important thing I learned from him is to know very well in depth of what I know. Basic has to be extremely polished. You have to have deep understanding of your knowledge (faith?) to remain unshaken and stand despite being tested.

If I could do it all over again, I would study harder for his class. Or maybe not... He's the type to torture you with postgraduate materials when he runs out of undergraduate materials to torture out of you. For God sake he taught us postgraduate level Breast Cancer lecture in our last class with him!

And you haven't got me started on how he takes pride when he fails a student. How he made students felt like they just jumped off a 40-storey after vivaed by him. A single basic mistake like exposing only one side of the breast during examination will earn you an instant 0 for that exam and he will damn follow your progress in other exams in order to fail you.

You understand now why we love learning from him but don't want him as an examiner?

Alhamdulillah, us in the right wing of Dept 25 completed the exam with no sign of him. It was when I got home that I came to know he examined a group in the left wing of Dept 25.

Needless to say how I felt about it. I feel sorry for the psychological damage they might endure, but I'm glad it wasn't me. I hope they enjoyed the learning process as much as we did.

---

I spent my last day in Egypt before flying home for the summer break 2014 loitering at the hospital. I was waiting for someone in front of the OT when Dr. Ahmed Abdel Salam walked into it. He grinned at me in recognition and I grinned back sheepishly.

Hahaha, I wondered if he remembered me as the Girl Butchered By Dr. Raafat.

Things not to do in a viva #2

I was so silly today for Batnah viva I have to document it. Apart from that, today's achievements include greeting Dr. Raafat at the car park on my way out of campus. He was walking and talking with this one man and I just stopped in my track and turned to him expectantly waiting to greet him. He was kind enough to turn around for a hello. It was amusing, really.

Second was two legends actually liked a post I shared on FB. This is the legendary Akr*m and Ha*izi we're talking about! I should ask for an autograph. 

Okay, on with the viva.

---

First viva was with Dr. Heba our mother. Her first question was emergency causes of chest pain, which was the lecture she taught when we were fifth years, so I answered fluently as per she taught.

She gave me a smile and she fired another question, and we kept at that rapid pace until she came to this question.

"What is the normal serum level of creatinine?"

"Erk," no no I forgot this one. "Sorry, I don't know the normal."

"It's okay, take time to think. I have been asking too rapidly anyway."

She tried potassium and I answered correctly. She asked me what was the indications for dialysis.

"Serum creat," I grinned in revelation. "Serum creat more than 9 mg/dL..."

"Good. So the normal value is?"

"Less than 9?"

She laughed. I laughed with her because I know I was not wrong but not exactly right either.

"The answer is less than 1. Okay, what else in the body we need it less than 1?"

Oh oh. Did I mention I hate numbers? I mumbled and crossed out substances but she still waited for me. Dr. Heba helpfully supplied "Something in the liver."

"-transaminase, no? Ah, INR."

She laughed again. I laughed too. Cmon, I wasn't wrong :p

"Yes we need it not more than 1," she shook her head, at my silliness perhaps. "But something else."

"Bilirubin," I answered.

"Yes, correct."

So cheeky this girl. Reckless tahap ape main2 MBBCh. Go die la.

---

I was probably high from all the silliness when I vivaed with Dr. Mohamed El Khattib. He taught us in Dept 31 during our fifth year and this year he lectured us Glomerular Diseases. I know he's a merry man.

And his opening question was treatment of status epilepticus. When I realised I forgot about epilepticus but I damn well remember down to the dose for status asthmaticus (old name for severe acute asthma), I shook my head and chuckled.

"Why isn't it asthmaticus?"

It was station Neurology silly. Sir asked Dr. Heba didn't the kids studied epilepticus in the course because no one seemed to be able to answer him. I would have liked to assure him we didn't. I attend my lectures, this wasn't in!

Or did it?

Dr. Heba assured him it was taught. She turned to me and said "Take a breath and answer."

Thank you for the confidence in me, doctor. Dr. Mohamed turned to me and rested his elbows on the table, a pose I took as he was giving me chance to redeem myself. "Patient is convulsing non-stop. What are you going to do?"

I looked up to him with confidence. "General measures. First I will make sure..."

The thing I saw as I answered was my eclampsia note. That was O&G.

---

"Okay now, treatment of bilharziasis."

I stared off for a while, scrolling through my mind. Where is this bilharziasis? Liver? Periportal fibrosis.. They used to use glass syringe to administer the drugs and infect people with HCV instead.

Eh where's the name of the drug? It's not metronidazole, I know. Haru was doing "Aaaaaaaaaaaa" in my head until the doctor cut her short.

"Come on, bilharziasis." The merry sir grinned.

I grinned back helplessly. "The name is not coming out. Ask me something else please." Like typhoid maybe.

"Okay. Fasciola."

We burst out laughing at the same time. Because I was totally screwed hahahahaha.

---

As always, post viva the AJK Akademik will make these forms. I like the template this time, catso catso! Those folks really are racking in pahalas, Allah bless them and their backbones.

Things not to do in a viva

One of the rumoured-malignant professors we have in Internal Medicine is Dr. Aysha Badawi. Despite the rumours, I like her. She gave us lectures in Cardiology and Rheumatology. Her lectures are usually very long, 2 hours minimum-

She started her Rheumatology lecture with "ihna 3andina a very long lecture" haha that got me chuckled defeatedly

-and she likes to ask and when answered correctly will give you a "right you are" or a glare if you answered like one of the lay men.

And yes, she is strict and kind of scary like the rumours say, but I like her. Because I learn.

I was examined by her during my Internal Medicine end round exam. I was ushered in by the resident and the station I got was Cardiology. Just me, the patient and time. I don't like Cardiology, mind you. Never easy on me. But I was to examine the patient within the minutes allocated, so it was relatively easy and my patient was a kind old chap so it was enjoyable.

No idea who was going to examine me, so I did the full examination and rehearsed my history. More than ten minutes had passed. I even had time to borrow a friend's sphygmo to check the patient's BP (I never bring one to an exam, too bulky to carry around. So I like to go without it and just tell my examiner "I didn't check his BP because I don't have a sphygmo" but maybe I have to change for the final exam).

And then Dr. Aysha came in. I foresaw being butchered.

She went ahead and examined the patient before turning to me asking me to take his pulse. I did and commented it fully.

"..equal volume-"

"What are the causes of unequal volume?" She interrupted me.

"Coarctation of aorta, pancoast tumor, and the rest I forgot. Sorry." I grinned.

Okay maybe I shouldn't have said that.

She wasn't amused. Dr. Aysha gave me the deadliest death glare I had ever seen.

Scratch that, I really shouldn't have said that. Haru was screaming in my head "Why did you have to be stupid do you want us to fail???" and that froze me up from otherwise blurting out "Justjokingpleasedon'tfailme."

It was plain wrong for me to enumerate only two and said "and the rest I forgot" because I was clearly showing no effort. That question can be answered logically by simply analysing what would obstruct or compress just one side of the upper limb. I was lazy and it showed. It served me right to be death-glared, I wouldn't even be surprised if Dr. Aysha sent me away at that point.

But she didn't. Instead she went on and asked me other things and made me do the full cardiac examination in front of her and had me explain the basis of each one of them.

That moment I thought how very forgiving of her to overlook my lapse of judgement. I was sheepish for the reminder of the exam, being humbled by her. She was tough but her questions were clear and didn't deviate from what we studied in the curriculum. She really is a good professor. I learned what professionalism means.

We discussed the management in brief and then I got to "patient will be on life-long anticoagulant."

The atmosphere then was of finality, that I had just answered my last question and would be dismissed uneventfully. But she kept firing.

"What is the dose for the anticoagulant?"

Inside my head, Haru went "Oh shit."

Don't take a leaf out of my book kids, but I don't like numbers so I didn't study the dose before the exam. The patient told me he took 5mg of Warfarin when I clerked his history earlier, but there is the risk of the patient being mistaken. I was tempted to answer 5mg, but I can't risk that.

When you don't know, offer another related answer. So I did this trick I last used in my Ophthalmology final viva when the prof asked me the name of the condition but I forgot and gave him the pathogenesis of that condition instead. Basically I answered a 2-word answer with a 2-sentence.

I smiled confidently and answered Dr. Aysha. "I don't know the dose but I know his INR should be kept 2-3."

She nodded. "Very good. You may go."

"Thank you doctor. Have a good day."

I skipped on my way out. Safe with a "very good" from Dr. Aysha! Alhamdulillah.

P/s: The dose for oral Warfarin is what keeps his INR 2-3, usually around 5-15mg daily.

---

Goofing around is fun but not exactly respectful. Here's another tips for you guys:

1- avoid using Egyptian ammi with your professors especially "eeh" or "aiwah". Use the standard Arabic "na3am".

2- address them respectfully as "sir" or "doctor".

3- be thankful and wish them good day.

4- SMILEEEE. A butchered smiling face is always better. Makes outsiders think you die as a hero.

I think I'm going to live always the observer, always the one who walked pass. It makes for great collection of memories but I can't help feeling missing out. Oh well.

As I mentioned in a previous post, we requested a written speech from the dean for our graduation yearbook and despite his dead-fish-eye look when I met him that 11 in the morning, he gave me his yes. The deadline was on Sunday but his class was cancelled until Tuesday, which signaled him being very super extreme busy. Not a good sign.

So yesterday Wednesday, I went to class. As I entered the campus, I saw him walking crisply by the Anatomy Department while in a distance, a dog barked. He walked towards the compound in front of the conference hall (going my direction, of course) and Kimi the three-legged collie (Izyan named him) was laying there. I bet it was him who barked, though he looked unthreatened. The dean kept his eyes on the dog while walking pass him with a kind look in his eye. After a good four meters away yet his head still turned towards the dog, Kimi finally got up and slowly followed the dean.

Hahaha. What is this? Even the dog respects the dean of medicine. Kimi really is part of the Kasr el Ainy Faculty of Medicine family.

P/s: Last Ramadan Dijah asked him if we could come visit him at his home for the Eid and he nodded whimsically. "We can arrange that. We have many cats." was what he said. I surely have good taste in crushes, bwahaha. (We never did get to arrange, he was too busy.)

His mood seemed good. He had only two cancelled call throughout the two hours half class that he called back in a short while. He was wearing white shirt and dark navy pants looking comfortable and ready to accomplish things today. I should not worry about bothering him if I ask him about the speech today.

But this stupid girl was segan. Go die la. So she decided to ask him tomorrow.

And so tomorrow came and became today. There was no dean sighting but when I climbed the stairs to the lecture halls, I saw the radiologist lady looking out with an unreadable expression.

So the dean isn't in yet? I walked pass her and entered the class at 8.30. I deduced right. The class was hot, Mr. Samy hadn't turn the aircond on yet. Why? I usually come around 8 and the class was cool and comfortable already.

"He just unlocked the door. There was a power outage until just now," Su said.

Oh. Took out my textbook and studied while having my breakfast.

8.50am and still no dean in sight. Was he going to call off the class? Mr. Samy came and announced the dean will be coming, he was currently in the hospital sorting out the power outage. We thanked him and went back self-study.

The dean entered at 9.15am. He seemed rather irritable, his voice sounded cracked. Ah Hana, you really should have asked him about the speech yesterday.

Around ten. He was vivaing one Egyptian classmate on the battery of investigation for an abdominal pain when a call came. His face turned solemn and excused himself to answer that call. Pardon my poor Arabic, but all I deduced from that call was it was from a respected person and it was serious. The call ended and the dean made another call to one of his subordinates to ask him to ask this Mr. Samir to come meet him at Lecture Hall 6. Asap.

10.20am. One guy arrived and the dean excused himself and they got busy outside. I turned back to my textbook.

10.45am. Finally the dean re-entered the class, still talking to the subordinates. But suddenly he turned his back towards us facing one subordinate and he yelled. The subordinate talked back. He yelled louder.

Nisa turned to me. "You definitely shouldn't ask him about the speech today." I couldn't agree more.

Egyptian style quarrel, normal. But this is the dean we're talking about. It doesn't equate. And I got a little bit scared. I can't help to be scared when I see my father figure yelling, and I imagined he resumed his class with that kind of post-yelling mood. What if he ask a question and we couldn't answer well. Will he get more frustrated? His usual "entu mish ma3aya" and exasperated look at our sorry faces was hard enough for me. Maybe he will yell at us? Walk out on us? It hurts. However foreseen it is, I will definitely still flinch. And he will definitely apologise profusely to class if he did.

10.47am. The power went out. He entered the class, walked around with his phone and cup of drink for a full minute while Mr. Samy and another lecture-hall maintenance worker came and opened the blinds and windows.

He resumed class with a lower perhaps tired voice and a lighter amd kinder tone. Perhaps he was trying to neutralize his angry self and silently apologising to us. The guys at the back automatically went to sit in the front row and Sarah the Egyptian girl came closer to the isle from her extreme right seat.

He didn't even ask everyone to sit closer with the mic off, but people just did. My thought then was how everyone was accomodating to him, so he need not to raise his voice a notch. It was a sign of huge respect, especially coming from Egyptians. You don't get this scene when the mic was off during the evening lectures with us Malaysians throughout the year.

He made a few jokes and even laughed a bit. Bullied Ahmed twice, first by staring at him while had him explain the meaning of acoustic shadow to Michael the new-sixth-year who came to join us today and second by having him draw the sagittal section of the abdomen on the whiteboard and having him explain the application of it.

This is Egyptians. Capable of 180 degrees mood shift. They yell and then resume life as per usual.

Power came back at 11.20am. Class ended at 11.45am. Amirul was at the door when he walked out, holding his hand out for a handshake. He took it, said bravo that I assumed for coming to class in the summer study leave and asked him about his study progress.

I walked pass them.

"Problems are good chances to prove how good you are."

"Laha virtues kitiirah."

I love you lillah therefore I won't be selfish. This is a pleasure more than an indulgence for me. But it gets painful when hiding behind my cowardice is me merely observing as others do what I wish I would do...

I could have done better, why didn't I do better?

I care, I do. I really care. But I don't.. I can't show that I care but I want you to know that I care. This internal conflict is killing me. I was at lost and when at lost, I stall to gear bearing. I waited on my bench and observed because I was scared to walk over and ask. What will become of two awkward people anyway? Love is supposed to give you courage so perhaps I don't love enough?

He walked away. I shook off my reverie and realized we were the last around. I walked behind him, head still down.

He turned sideways and stopped. "Are you okay?"

That startled me. I felt a stumble coming. "Urm yes. Okay."

I ran off. Brat.

---

Stalked off on how he was. Syafakallah.