Pa, I'm not happy here. I don't know if this is depression talking or what, but I'm not happy.
Because of that, I'm not doing my best. And when I'm not doing my best, I become not proud of myself. And I'm lagging behind in progress at work and it shows.
All I ever want in my life is to be happy and live proud. Which I am neither at this moment.
I want to quit. But what do I do if I quit? It's like in a toxic relationship where you don't leave because you don't know where to go, you don't know if you can survive without the other. I know that, maybe that's why I want to quit.
If I'm not quitting then I need to leave. I can't wait to leave this place. If I can leave tomorrow I'll just go. But leaving needs paperwork and moving things and God, why only good people die early? Why am I not one of them?
You texted me today and my eyes watered thinking how should I say this to you. You're not here, you'll just be worried about me. And I don't know how to help myself what more what kind of help should I seek.
The thing that you texted me was about that pre-Master program exam. How about that, dad? How can I tell you I want to quit when you're sending me a pre-Master program exam flyer? When you told me "might as well take it".
I wanted to ask you if you'll still be proud of me if I quit, but I know the answer and I don't want to disappoint you. You'll still love me either way because you're a good father and I'm your daughter, but I'm sure you'll be disappointed even a little bit. Even I am disappointed in myself.
What do I do? I want to cry, maybe I'll feel better. Maybe this is depression talking, but why am I depressed? Can I not handle stress? How did I survive Egypt if I'm succumbing to this?
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