time spent versus time left

My parents said I can do it.
My surgeon said I can do it.
So why am I not doing it?

I am unmotivated. I realize I do not have a set of goals. How do you even start?

Talking to dad or Luqman will conclude the same thing. That I’m an adult who should decide my future myself. Luqman just few days ago gave me that vague advice, summarized as “follow your hunch” and I don’t feel like answering his call that followed after.

My hunch was to turn to MIASA. Is there someone I can call? I clicked on one video about steps to get help. The president said to get a mental health assessment done, that a severe assessment warrant a referral to a psychiatrist, that the only one valid to diagnose you is a clinical psychologist, and that not getting help will actually makes things worse.

I did get a mental health screening done but I didn’t follow up with a referral. I just lived poorly. I should have gotten help instead of living the past two years so fleetingly.

But a few years wasted is nothing compared to few more years to live.
Provided you want to have few more years and you want to live them, that is.

There’s that little voice again.
But it’s a little voice, there’s still the bigger voice.
Let’s get that help now.

So I Googled things. But they’re all superficial and vague. Then I asked Kak Ellina if she has ten year goals and she asked me how do I see myself in ten years.

I was thinking how to reply. Should I admit that I’m living day by day, barely a plan, don’t even see myself in two months what more ten years?

She then shared me hers. It was good goals.

DASS test taken

19 March 2019 - severe stage of depression, severe level of anxiety, very severe stress level.

7 June 2021 - very severe stage of depression, very severe level of anxiety, severe stress level.

I think there was one we took in between with results better than the first one. 

Added on the Copenhagen Burnout Inventory 

7 June 2021 - severe level of personal burnout, severe level of work burnout, normal level of client burnout.

For easy reference, next time let's just follow up with the questionnaire from Sg. Buloh, take the healthcare one.

What now?

Because I foresee hardship

At least they made good songs about it.

1)
Linkin Park - In The End

2)
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go
3 Doors Down - Here Without You

3)
(To be edited as I go)

"When people disappear, there is no contact."

Take a shower.
Pack your bag in case you don't come back.
Go out.
Walk briskly, let's go somewhere with less people.
Walk and just feel the wind.
Zip the sweater up.
Walk.. until sweat trickles down.
Walk until you're done.

Walk back.
Should I buy bread?
No, we should stop eating.
Oh, it's Jonghyun's My Love.
I don't want to go back yet.
Let's stop for juice.
He's still singing.
Let's take the other route.
This song is sweet. It suits him but not CNBLUE.
The band hardly play that song, I think.

Song ends.
Arrives home.

Should I go up?
Where else would you go?
Somewhere with stars.
It's too windy this time of the year and we left the inhaler.
Okay.
Let's study.

Don't push it

Calm down. I really shouldn't blog emotional. It gets nothing done.

Breathe deeply. Okay. It's okay. As long as everyone is happy and very happy. Pining is moot. Everything is in your head and don't confuse it with reality. No no, do not quote Dumbledore. You wish for it because you know it has near to nil chance of becoming reality. You know it, so breathe deeply and say

As long as he's really happy.

Close your eyes and breathe. Okay. Take as many moments you need to accept that.

You know, you shouldn't like too much if you can't handle jealousy too well.

Cheer up, little cat

When you're sad, you cannot complain. Saying out loud or tweet that you're sad is just stating the fact. You're acknowledging that you're sad, and then what? Nothing is going to change if you're just going to mope and feel sorry for yourself.

Nobody cares, why should they? No one ain't saving you, buddy. Every minute you wallow in self-pity is another feet deeper you're falling. Don't want to die? Then. Get. The. Hell. Up. Do something. Need a hug? Ask. Hungry? There's dinner and doughnut in the pantry. Don't want nothing? Read the Quran or sleep.

Feeling inadequate? Don't make me laugh, why the hell are you even here? Go improve yourself la! Why are you so sissy!?

Save yourself, buddy. Nobody's there, it's just you and me who don't care.

Mint choc chip ice cream with liberal amount of choc fudge sauce and peanuts to top

It was decided a long time ago that we're going to be a person of many pleasure but few indulgence and that we're going to live by "love is appreciation, not possession". So this one time, please brave this out because there's a lot more to be considered than just your own pleasure. There is deeper meaning to happiness and ticking off your indulgences is not necessarily one of it.

I know this is a heartbreak and the pain hurts worse than any physical hit, but everything is merely in your head. Your feelings are yours, no one can tell you what to feel. If you're jealous, it's only because you're not looking at what you already have and achieved.

I'll do my best in avoiding provocations so please do your best by thinking of something else and control yourself. We have work to do this coming two days, focus and don't screw up.

Get a grip, we can do this. We've survived too much and this long, this time it is nothing.

---

Really, I'm a simple person. You can feed me rice and plain omelette and I'll be more than happy. I'll have milk for breakfast and salted chips for snack. I can sleep anywhere and stay anywhere I can see the sky from. I don't need fancy clothes so long I have my favourite jeans and my black tee. 

I don't wish for much. I just want to be able to sleep at a proper time and alternate between being lazy and doing my best. Ultimately I want to go to exciting places, do exciting stuffs and nap under the sky afterward. I want to be self-sufficient and not have to depend on others, but I've come to realize there are some crucial things I have to let go because I'm not great enough, I can't always run off on my own. And because it's a personal dream, I can't possibly impose on others what I've longed for all this time. 

"When there's two of you, you can dream bigger dreams."

So this is not the end yet. I'll manage. I just need to find someone who's willing to be imposed on, and I promise I'll run through hell for that person in exchange.