The day Likas disown me

I was throwing tantrums all day today.

It started when I realise Mr. Ashok removed me from the Specialist and MO WhatsApp group. I was then doing rounds and I stopped, aghast. What? Why?

They're my team. I'm in Lahad Datu yes but they're my team. How can they remove me from the group?

I told Arif. He laughed and said that means I'm gonna be permanent here in Lahad Datu. 

But I don't understand. Why? Because I'm not involved in patients managements so they kick me from the group? But I'm part of Paed Surgery Likas.

Fine. Fine. I'm walking out. I retaliated by removing myself from the MO group, the clinic groups and the CVL group. And then I deleted Mr. Ashok from my contact list.

They're disowning me. It's like when my house was on fire and I was displaced for that whole month. Not belonged to anywhere. 

It didn't help that Paeds been calling me during rounds and I expected this is going to be a pissy day, so I warned my colleagues.

"I'm throwing tantrums today. Thank you for being patient with me."

I was kept busy until noon, and I wanted to wallow in self pity or something, but they dragged me to lunch. Arif waited to drive me and he called twice, so I had no choice but to humour him. 

In the car was Fadhly. He greeted me with a 

"Noob la kena kick dari group. Apa kau dah buat? Lain kali diam-diam je la. Noob."

I wanted to say "fuck off" but I glared him so hard and considered kicking the back of his seat.

So I replied "Aku tak sure samada nak sepak atau tampar kau. Aku senyap je, tak pernah tulis sepatah pun sejak aku datang sini."

"Noob la." He joked. 

"Dah jangan cakap dengan aku dah pasal ni." And so I faceplanted myself onto the passenger seat. Fadhly said something but I didn't reply. I really was upset. 

They left me alone. I ate my food in silence. But then Luqman replied my text and told me

"Grow up Tiq. That's immature."

and I almost threw my phone. Fadhly saw. He's brilliantly observant you see. I replied 

"I hate you."

and fucking Luqman replied "It's okay to hate temporarily."

and I almost threw my phone again. I was listless. I forced down my food and later got up to call Kak Elli but her line was not available. Why la whyyy. 

Arif drove us back. I sat in the back forlornly, looking outside. But Fadhly didn't let it go. 

"Apsal muka stress sangat tu. Kau buat je la group baru, jangan add Mr. Ashok tu."

I grinned, half exasperated that he's still talking about this somewhat jokingly and half amused he's actually doing something to cheer me up. That suggestion really cheered me up. 

So I did what I wanted to do. I threw Arif's neck pillows at him. All two of it, I threw at him. Fadhly laughed a bit before throwing them at the back seat. 

Yeah I cheered up a bit. I actually texted him "Thanks Padly."

Before I was crestfallen again. I mean, they're my team and they disowned me. 

We talked about this post op, over porridge and cake in the OT pantry. I told them how I felt. Although I wanted to run from Likas, actually being removed from the group, my only link, the single thread tying me to Likas.. It sucks. Really sucks. 

But I didn't dare ask why was I removed. Because it'd be the end of me if it was actually an order from Boss. 

Fadhly again. "Noob."

I turned to him with a semi snarl semi grin. "Aku harap sangat aku ni lelaki, atau kau perempuan. Because I really want to headlock you right now."

But I made light of it. Talking about it made me feel better. 

And so Fadhly again. "Noob." 

I pushed my chair backwards and made a swift move in front of him, ready to pounce. He actually flinched backwards, with a grin on his face. I laughed. 

"Stop calling me noob!" 

We finished our snacks and decided to go to KFC for dinner. On my way out I bowed at him "Terima kasih Fadhly." Because I felt lighter. 

But him being a bastard. "Terima kasih apa? Noob la kau ni."

I jumped in front of him in tantrum. "Stop calling me noob!" 

I couldn't really finish my food. Still a bit wallowing. A lot. 

"Aku takde mood nak makan." I said since they pointed out I was only eating ice cream, my drink and fries. I still have the chicken and Twister left. 

"Kau makan apa je? Makan hati?" 

"Haah."

We laughed. But I really did feel disowned. 

"The problem is, kau overthink sangat. Peduli apa."

That felt like a slap. Yeah I am. I am overthinking. Because I'm attached to them. But I'm not. And I shouldn't. 

Okay Fadhly. Okay. 

We still have one laparotomy to go. Arif told me to rest since I'm oncall tomorrow but

"Fadhly masuk, kau masuk. Aku kena la masuk, aku kan yang ketiga. Kita kan satu team, cukup la Likas disown aku jangan la kau pun disown aku!" 

"Ha yeee Tiqah jom sekali, kau kena join kami, kita kan satu team!" 

Before we all laughed stupidly in the car on the way to dinner. 

But after dinner, Fadhly told me to rest since I'm oncall tomorrow. I don't want to listen to him but he has a point. 

I have overnight to grow up.