Confession time

Writing has always been my outlet, my sense of therapy. What do I get from this? A bit clearer headed I guess. Maybe I want someone to read this and physically drag me to the help I needed. Atiqah has always been a fucking sad softie and I need to figure this out because we can't be seen weak. Why? I'm egoistic that's why.

But the wall is slowly breaking and sad softie is surfacing and I don't know what's going to happen if it does. Probably literally break down in some hallway.

Before this, all I want is to be happy and live proud of myself. It's getting too hard for that, nothing really makes me happy and I'm not at all proud of myself.  The bouts of joy that I felt for the past God knows months were misguided.

So I'm revising. Now all I want is to behave and go to Heaven. Whatever resolve I have now is just to keep myself in line, so that I wouldn't do anything that will disgrace my family or further nil my chance of getting into Heaven. Sinful things because God it's so tempting. I want so bad to hurt myself in so many ways, I want the physical pain to override this emotional pain that softie is feeling. But I can't and won't do that.

Can I even go further south than this? Don't think about it, it's a dangerous territory.

I don't know how much longer I can hold on. How much longer do I wait until I throw the towel and say the word. I need to handle this professionally that's why I'm bidding my time, I can't just walk away. Atiqah walks away but I can't, I won't. For whatever it's worth, we cannot be seen as irresponsible. I always clean up the mess I made.

I'll have to tell Boss I'm going. Where? Who fucking knows. We just need to go. We'll figure out as we go.

But not today or tomorrow, not even the day after. Like Sober sang, I've a lot to do but I don't want to do anything. Fact remains I still have to do them. I'm keeping myself in line, see? Atiqah can break down on Postcall Thursday and take EL on Nothing Friday if need be, just don't mess up Study Monday, Exam Tuesday or Oncall Wednesday and be sober for Oncall Sunday.