Few days back I've been coming up with a list of why I shouldn't get myself killed yet.
1) I'm oncall tomorrow
2) I'm out with someone (I only hang out with Luqman or Mizah nowadays) and I can't die now lest I be a burden to them
3) I'm a Muslim and I should not get myself into Hell
4) Kak Elli said she didn't want me to die
5) Poor mom
Today we went out for off road trail and my hesitation and doubting the Old Man can pass cross the river stopped Luqman from crossing with The Old Man at Kg Terian. So we parked and enjoyed the river instead.
Yesterday I had to change into COVID suited attires and was in a scrub without a cap on exposing my hair and neck because I was in a hurry and couldn't find a cap where I was changing. I couldn't look at anyone because I hoped they wouldn't look at me. Fadli didn't say anything but then Luqman saw me and immediately asked where was my cap as I dived into a cap drawer. It was embarrassing but I was grateful someone called out on me not taking care of my aurah.
So today we're by a beautiful river. The weather was hot and the river was so so cool. I want to dive in but I had no spare clothes and was wearing cotton and I do not want to get them soaked and clinging on me.
But this river. When will I come here again. My ferocious Fiesta was not made for this trail.
I hesitated but he urged me. I knew I wouldn't hesitate if I was alone. I went in only waist deep and just played by the bank. He jumped in where he suggested I should go and yeah as I expected the current there was strong. Then he left upstream away to explore the area.
I made sure he wasn't looking my way before I went into where he was. And then the dangerous thought came.
"It's okay even if you die."
I remembered my hesitation had nothing to do with having a male around me. It had everything to do with the dangerous thought I have when I'm in deep waters.
The current was strong and I couldn't stand upright. I changed my course to the banks and my knee got a good beating onto the rocks. Then I quietly sat in the shallower water.
And then I remember I shouldn't be a burden. That's one of the earliest thing Luqman ever said to me, back when we were cycling in KB backyard.
My anxiety, or whatever. They are mine. I shouldn't burden people with it. I told Luqman yesterday when he was telling about Miss (he was also generalising all female) and her periodic good moods that my feelings are my own and I shouldn't subject people to it, and at my worst I am quiet.
We made our way to Kg Buayan. We came across a river and it was my waist deep. He ploughed through this time and I congratulated him. The rest of the journey was fun.
At home, I sent him pictures I took of him and he thanked me, calling me "a good henchman."
He called me out correctly. I do lack the confidence to cross deep rivers, with myself because of my dangerous thoughts and with the Old Man because it's old and I don't know its limit. It broke down on us once and I don't know how deep of a water is too deep for it. I know now.
Plan somewhere that interest him. He's oncall tomorrow so I'm off the hook cm. Instead of going somewhere new, I'm thinking of driving up to Gunung Alab, park by the hillside watching the coastline and feeding the stray dogs. Alone with my sadness.
No comments:
Post a Comment