loneliness is not knowing who to call

This week I've been emotional. I'm annoyed a lot, I fought a lot, I ignored the people I miss and I ran away from things. I straight up criticised my colleagues and I want to cry a lot. My eyes watered easily.

I had to pause a quarter into A Whiskar Away because Miyo's obsession and fake happiness to hide her sadness was so relatable I teared up in self pity. 

Maybe I'm tired. I don't know. 

Today especially. In the morning I was complaining about a patient and my Miss said it's supposed to be our duty, don't get worked up about it. 

I realised I was being unsympathetic. I'm not usually like that. What happened to me? If I can't be a good person then I'm nothing. 

I wanted to talk to someone but I don't know who to call. Someone who will hear me out and give me a virtual pat on my head. I want a hug. Should I call Luqman? I shouldn't call Luqman. 

Should I hit the voice recorder and talk on my phone? Like what I use to do. That's so sad, don't remind me of those sad days. 

So I texted my kindest MO ever Kak Lin and afterwards cried a bit in my car. 

I wanted steak. So I went back and cooked a piece of lamb shoulder with salt and pepper in olive oil and had it with the briyani rice I leftovered from Sandakan. I took a shower and watched A Whiskar Away. 

I cried when Yori told Hinode and Isami about Miyo's broken family. How she put on a brave face when her mother abandoned her and her father remarried. I cried when Miyo broke down after Kaoru confronted her that Miyo shouldn't smile if she don't want to. 

Just a bit. Why am I like this? 

I know my parents love me. But I'm feeling really lonely now. 

Kinako said no wonder Miyo wanted to be a cat, because no one loves her. Even her parents abandoned her. 

Should I quit being a human too? How? 

No, don't. It's okay. I love you. Even if you are nothing else, even if you're suffering to be a good person, it's okay. I love you.