Help me

Today I was so listless I didn't speak to anyone at work and my colleagues didn't come near me let alone start a conversation with me. I didn't even greet Boss when I met him on clinic. Huh was I rude? He probably didn't realize it anyway.

Miss Haz was the only one who seemed ignorant of my stressed out face and she talked to me like any other day.

The listless was at the level of suppressing the urge to throw things. I really wanted to throw things and kick stuffs but I can't. I can't. I guess I need to run but where to? I should talk to someone.

So early in the morning I asked Farano if she has acquittance in Psy as I could use a referral to for now. But she didn't have any.

I called Rokiah in the middle of rounds and I called and called and called until she sent a default message "Can't talk right now, call me back later?"

I replied "Kedah kerja Jumaat rupanya boo tak islamik" to which she replied "ngek oncall mek".

By noon I was still listless with no definite cause so I texted Luqman for help.

Are you oncall this weekend?
Tomorrow
Okay
U?
No oncall this weekend
Up to anything?
Need to run away but haven't decided on a destination yet
Run from ur adversity?
Yeah
Deal with it

When that reply came I grinned and gripped my phone because the urge to throw things was back in full force. I don't want to deal with it I don't even know what to deal with!

So I called him to shout or whatever to let him hear the frustration while walking with rounds. But the call ended. Not sure whether I accidentally ended it or he did. Whatever. I was still grinning/snarling. I bet if the call went through he'd probably just "heh are you done?" at me. Would have infuriated me more but likely to comfort me as well.

The good thing about messaging is I can try to hide what a bastard I am. So I texted him back.

I feel like hitting you
If that relieves u
You're so kind, maybe I'll try that
I can take that

I know it's dangerous to be alone in this state of mind. I'll probably end up curled in bed for two days and that'd be bad for my sanity. Or I'll go to some river alone and be weird and that'd probably be bad for my sanity as well.

Should I go to Limbang and meet Fadzlin? Urgh what if she's oncall? How should we go to Limbang, drive? I've never driven there before and Ban will be bising again. What if Pofin isn't even around that'd be useless.

So I looked up flights online and bought flight tickets to KL. Almost RM500 but whatever, my sanity needs help. I'll stay with Chikna this weekend. Maybe I'll go see Luqman on Sunday, take him up on his offer and hit him or something. Tell him I'm sorry for being a burden and I should try harder so as not to become a burden but I don't know how.

Kak Solehah my housemate saw me walking out from my room and asked me if I'm going out.

"Saya balik KL weekend ni."
"Oh. Ada apa?"
"Family.. stay dengan makcik."
She looked concerned. "Okay ke?"

I paused. It's not my makcik who's not okay, I'm not okay. Should I tell her or should I get going?

I said "Okay" and she asked me how I'm getting to airport.

I called Chikna later and she asked me why did I decide to suddenly come over.

"Ika stress."
"Bagus! Datang laa."

Chiknaaaaaaaaaaa why are you saying bagus that I'm stressed out!!!!! Yeah yeah cause I very rarely come over that's why it's bagus.

And then I called dad. He asked why didn't I come home instead so I say there's no direct flight from KB on Sunday. Heck there's no way I'm doing layovers.