Pool Party @ Kozi

Pool Party di Kozi attended by Geng Qiamullail Di Kuching. 

That day was a Thursday and Nabila and I were in emergency OT for a TOF repair and colostomy. I was the first to arrive in OT and Dr Teo the Paed Anaes consultant also Anaes HOD asked me “Really no bronchoscopy? And stoma before TOF repair right?” 

I knew we’re not doing bronch and that logically TOF repair before stoma because of urgency but I didn’t actually confirm with my surgeons so I replied “I’ll confirm with them” to which she replied “Tu pun you tak tahu??”. 

The TOF repair took about 4 hours I think. I did the stoma and perforated the stoma at 9 o’clock from my rough handling. Mr Chin scrubbed back in and repaired it. He was so kind and told me “don’t worry” but actually I didn’t worry a bit because he was there and I could have repaired it anyway. 

During the distal loop washout, Dr Teo complained about me (my steps differ a bit from SGH because I didn’t remember how SGH does it but I remember how Likas did) and she yelled “Mr Chin!!!” so loud to get my HOD’s attention, who scurried and kindly enumerate the steps (which I was doing anyway). 

By the time I unscrubbed, I have missed Zohor Asar and berbuka puasa. I sat and wrote the op notes chanting “it’s okay, you’re in training” in my head. Nabila came and gave me a piece of chocolate. We then went to pray Maghrib before we joined the girls for Pool Party and as I was taking my wudhu, she told me she wanted to cry because she was tired and hungry and stressed. 

I said “Is it because I perforated the bowel?” “Because Dr Teo yelled.” And then her tears broke. 

I abandoned my wudhu and went to hug her and then I cried too for the longest I can remember, because I was toughening it up but here was my friend crying because someone else was yelling at me. I told her for every mean person we met, there are many more kind people we meet. I told her about Ms Poh being emphatic, how Mr Chin was so kind teaching, how the girls were mad at Dr Sanah (also Paed Anaes consultant) who one other time was mean to me as well (I marked wrongly for a gastrostomy insertion and as Mr Chin was very kindly teaching me, she quipped “Tak pernah tengok gastrostomy ke?”)

I told her that people are not going to be nice at us but we’re not like that. We’re going to always be kind. 

We had a good 15 minutes cry and then we prayed, and then we joined the buka puasa close to 8pm (Maghrib was 6.47pm). 

end of may and i thank thee

I left HTA on the last week of May. Took few days off to settle the assessments thus I was still around the hospital.

I approached Mr. Fitri for my assessment in his office and he was calling me Dr. Atiqah. It was funny actually. I think I might have showed some streak of rebellion at him, that's why. 

Anyhow he asked me to leave the assessment forms with him, which I did. I was hoping to get it back in few days time but I actually only got it back the week after, on the very last day of May. 

What happened on the very last day of May was that, I was on leave but at the hospital past 5pm waiting for Mr Yusof to finish rounds so I could have my end of posting assessment with him. My colleagues had it the day before and I was the only one that day. I sat in front of his office, waiting with two paper bags. One bag contained keropok and serunding that I actually bought for Mr. Fitri the month before but never gave it to him (remind me to write a separate post on this) and I was planning on giving it to Mr. Yusof. Another bag contained a mug I had custom for Mr. Fitri. 

It was my last day and I was planning to quit while I was in UM. So I want to say a proper thank you to these two because I hope not to see them again. 

Ms Abhi was in the office and she saw me waiting for my assessment. She wished me good luck for my PPUM posting and I felt at the end of this journey, at least I could talk freely with her. I laughed more in April and May than the previous months actually. 

And then Mr. Fitri showed up. He didn't see me and he was talking merrily with Ms Abhi. I was hoping she wouldn't say anything to alert him that I was around but she did. She asked me if he ever did taught me anything as a mentor or was it all gossip that we ever talked about? I lied that we only ever talk about academic stuffs, to which sir snickered. I skipped the fact that it was mainly a one way questioning from him and zero answering from me. 

God I was such a lousy person. I did not deserve a mentor who showed more effort than this shitty kid, this ingrate who shouldn't even call herself a mentee. 

He asked me when is my last day. I said it was today. He said he'll get the forms done today. I grinned to myself, of course the forms I submitted 6 days ago would only be signed today. 

Mr. Yusof was ready for me and I went into his room for my assessment, leaving the paper bags outside. I did as expected, in which I did well in 2/3 and purposely answered clumsily for another 1/3. Because I didn't want them to expect too much from me. 

I completed my forms and gave him my logbook to sign. He then asked my feedback on the mentorship thing and asked if we had any documentation on our meetings.

"No we don't. We had our meetings in OT while scrubbed in."

"You pun masuk OT I jugak." He was whining. I grinned. He dismissed me soon after, but I returned back with the paper bag containing keropok and serunding and put it on his desk. 

"Terima kasih boss sebab bersabar dengan kami 6 bulan ini," I made it sound like it was from us instead of me. He smiled his appreciation and I hoped he's always eased. 

As I exit Mr. Yusof's room I saw that the rest of the office was empty. This mentor of mine has gone home. I walked to his desk and saw that he left my forms on it. Picked the forms up and grinned to myself. 

Alis has been chasing and pestering for hers for months and end up having to get it from Ms. Fiza because Mr. Fitri kept eluding her. Whereas there I was, holding three forms that took me 5 days (with no pestering) for him to sign. Perks of being his mentee I guess. Despite my lackluster performance as a mentee nor a trainee in general, having him as my mentor is my bragging right. 

Though surprisingly he gave me good reviews. I believe I left bad impressions because I barely answered any of his academic questions so good reviews were not expected. He's accomodating me. 

Digging wounds up is not the best idea so let's just settle with the fact that I really was a lousy trainee. I wasn't kidding when I say I shouldn't be here, that I felt like an imposter who performed well in the interview because she didn't care about the outcome but got the job she didn't really want, and that the reason I didn't quit while I was in HTA was because Mr. Fitri was my mentor and I didn't want to taint his name like that. 

I took out the other paper bag and put it on his desk in exchange for the forms. I purposely waited for the forms before giving him my token of appreciation because I didn't want him to feel I was sucking up to him. 

I got him a mug. It had a picture of a cartoon owl because A) I acknowledge that people been calling him King Of Bebird although I disagree with the term usage because I like birdwatching and calling penises birds made me seem like a pervert, and B) owls are portrayed as wise and he has taught me some life lessons in reflection. 

On the other side written BEST MENTOR. Because he's my only mentor so there really is no contest. But really, thank you Mr. Fitri. I didn't deserve this mentoring. So I chickened out by silently praying for you and writing this in my blog instead of telling you a proper thank you. 

After I left the office, I sent him a text expecting no response. Working with him for the past 6 months gave me the impression that he almost always never reply texts if he could. I know he reads his messages because I've texted him to which he didn't reply but he answered me the next time we met. 

But to my surprise, he replied. Hehe. I didn't reply to that though. Should have told him I hope he use it.