Maybe it's PMS

Yesterday I met Mr. Z along with a colleague who met him for her pre-off Surgery assessment. Apparently she was in Surgery since April because she took a 3-month maternity leave.

"Oo Dayah amik maternity leave masa Surgery rupanya," I said.

"Awak bila nak amik maternity leave Atiqah?" Mr. Z asked me back.

"Esok-esok la boss."

But after I left him to go to my Urology OT, I want a leave now. I've never felt the need to take a leave until now that I'm in Urology. I want an emergency leave tomorrow but for what reason other than my plummeting happiness? I'm entitled to leaves anyway, I've worked for two months so I have 4 days leave still untouched.

I can't really pinpoint what seems to be the problem. I'm stressed during rounds but how is it any worse than rounds with Red team? At least I enjoyed my time in Red. The MOs in Urology are friendly, goofing around kind of people and I've come to realise I'm the one who didn't want to talk to them. I'm only comfortable when they're giving me orders or asking for help.

Today I needed to ask Dr. Omar for MC for a patient and I just stood there doubting myself less than a meter beside him with the BHT in my hand. My colleague came and asked me what's with the patient that she discharged.

"Patient mintak MC."

"Tu Dr. Omar ada."

"Tak cakap lagi dengan dia."

Isha automatically leaned in and asked Dr. Omar for the MC. And there I was observing coldly, wondering why I didn't ask him myself.

Yesterday the whole team was in the OT. Dr. Haziq who I thought was a cold HO-eating MO during my tagging days in Green turned out to be the goofiest guy who talked about personal things on the side while bosses were operating. I don't like this kind of doing, I mean bosses were operating and there were us HOs and Dr. Haziq discussing about Dayah's constipated 5-month-old. I did my best to observe the operation with one ear listening on/off to their conversation and making timely comments.

And then we had another patient for second PCNL who was put in right lateral position plus lithotomy safely secured using straps one by Mr. Azam and another by Dr. Omar. Done and Mr. Azam turned around and saw me.

"Tangkap," he said and threw the remaining strap at me. I didn't catch it properly because he had bad aim, so I picked it up from the floor. Dr. Omar then called for me,

"Another one."

I coolly catched his throw. Then he made to throw the scissors he was holding and I automatically yelled at him, "Weh!!"

"Awak weh saya?!" He jested back. Of course he was only jesting. Dr. Haziq and Dr. Hafiz poked fun at me for yelling at Dr. Omar while I hurriedly apologized for yelling at him. Yes he was joking, I was taking it seriously, but man you shouldn't play around with sharp objects so anyway I would have yelled at surgeons and would apologized for yelling afterwards.

"Sorry boss," I spluttered and in his jokingly emo tone replied "I'm not your boss" while putting away the scissors himself.

K fine. "Sorry Dr. Omar."

And today I walked beside him down the stairs during rounds and I didn't say a word at him. I'm friendly with my bosses but you're not my boss now, are you.