You know you're appreciated

The other day I reviewed Amrun's chapter on FF.net writing a long appreciation remark for the great read and then posed the question as to where did she get the materials to write such war themed story convincingly.

I wrote my pseudonym, hit send and belatedly realized I wasn't logged in. I tried to log in and send a signed review with an apology but the system went crazy on me (or maybe it was a stupid prank pulled by my Note), so I wished she'd somehow search for my pseudonym to land on my account and answer me in a PM.

... Yeah, that might too bothersome. I admitted to the fate I might never get an answer. What I didn't expect was to see an update few weeks after, with an Author's Note dedicated to the anonymous me.

I could cry. Oh God I love this community TT_TT

Now excuse me, I need to go read that chapter and write a good long review. Have a good night. 

Media in memory

When I was a first year the reporters and photographers were under separate units in Biro Penerangan dan Penerbitan (BPP) PERU*ATAN. I always complained to Paan the photographer boss that his unit was late with supplying the relevant pictures thus halting the process of publishing news on PERUBATANonline (PO). At the end-of-year meeting, he proposed that both units be merged and come my third year, Paan resigned and we have what we call Jabatan Liputan.

Despite the merge and promoted to deputy head, I didn't really get to appreciate the full extent of the work that the photographers had to put because I was a reporter myself and there were times we simply snap our own picture to go with our news regardless there was a photographer on duty or not.

Let's see if I remember this correctly...

2008 until winter 2010, first year until winter of second year.

BPP big boss was Damak and Kak Radin. My boss was Safwan and deputy was Kak Fathy. I was mostly tutored by Safwan, Abang Apis and Kak Radin and I learned a hell load from them. I was recruited as a photographer but writing suits me more, and my first official assignment was helping Abang Warouq with the 2009's graduation video. After sending the video off, I was to cover the winter's symposium at Hayyu Thamin, but I got lost and arrived late.

That time, Safwan kept calling me until I had to turn my handphone off because I'd rather get lost and find my own way than admit to a senior that I was indeed lost. I called Kak Radin and she picked me up instead, haha. We arrived safely at the venue and the first thing Safwan told me was to ask for food if I was hungry.

Serious level of kindness and a really good impression they left on me. The abomination that happened years afterward was another story, hahaha.

By summer of 2009, Safwan repeated his third year and thus cut off ties with us BPP. His post was left vacant so the unit ran with what we had until the end of that session. The bosses later promoted me to editor status on PERU*ATAN Online because they trusted my editorial work. Plus I used to edit Safwan editing my job a couple of times, haha.

Winter 2010 until winter 2011, second year until third year.

BPP big boss was Damak and Hani. It was the year I was exposed to the reality of bureaucracy and I didn't like how it smelled. Tong succeeded as the head but that guy was only on paper and Kak Fathy was hardly ever around. Truth be told, I only remembered Tong existed last night after asking Abang Apis. I think Damak played the role of head somewhere along this year, I was promoted, and we brought in Saeed and Adilah, our star reporters.

It was great that they were all very rajin and enthusiastic reporters together with Epul, and I got to play the role of news editor more. It was a fun time because we did a lot of brainstorming with our Alex colleagues and we also had a couple of cat fights with Baem who helmed the Academic Bureau that time.

I worked with Damak, Hani, Abang Apis and Jack supervising and helping me. There were a lot of times I had to ask Safwan and Kak Radin for pointers and guidance, too much I suppose that Safwan repressed me from his memory. I got a lot of "shoo shoo" and "ni siapa" back then, hahaha.

Winter 2011 until winter 2012, third year until fourth year.

BPP big boss was Chip and Humairah. Fais joined us as the head and I was the official deputy head. It was the year I slammed into the wall of bureaucracy. It was pretty hard for me to keep up with Damak's bureaucratic ways that always ended up with me putting a stop to a plan yet to be executed. I always let Fais handle everything. 

This was the year I joined PERUBATAN-Today to publish the news Damak would surely reject.

2011/12, fourth year.

I had enough bureaucratic bullshits so I joined MedTeam and left Jabatan Liputan to the charismatic Ame and the very able Ain Nabila. I was mainly editor by this time with a couple of news written on days they were shorthanded or I was bored with ennui.

Over in MedTeam, they gave me the post of UPP which is sort of BPP for MedTeam, hahahaha. So I was still around messing with PO and also the other way around.

I admit I was running away. Apparently Ain used the same advisor (read: vent) as mine; Abang Apis. He told me later that Ain conplained of the same thing I complained, lulz. I guess some things are broken and done for.

2012/13, fifth year.

This was the year we split according to universities. Iqy was head for Cairo, right? With Fathinah from Gen11us as his deputy. I think Ame and Ain still helm the main Liputan for BPP.

2013/14, sixth year.

They haven't change the boss yet, right? But it felt quiet nowadays. The latest work I did was the news on the new ambassador Pak Ku meet with a security briefing by Sir Ishak around the third week of December, and back then I reported to Ame at that time.

Know how I got that assignment? Ame was photographing around my isle and the juniors beside me seemed interested in him, hahaha. So I went

"Yo Ame sape tulis berita kali ni?"

"Entah. Akak la."

I think they didn't bother me with news work because I'm a final student now. The downside is that I hardly know who's who nowadays. I blame this confusion from no proper new-sem briefing by the bosses.

Serendipity

I had been unable to sleep properly these past weeks and thus was too inhumane in the morning to go to the dean's morning class, but I vowed to change this winter break. However, my sleep cycle worsened in spite of my efforts and his resumed class starting last Sunday saw me absent (as usual).

I contemplated this last Tuesday while staring far-off into the opposing wall. "Takde jodoh."

Nadie besides me looked at me perplexed. I turned to her and asked, "Jodoh tu ape?"

"I think it's serendipity. A happy encounter by accident."

"Oh."

---

Today was the first day in a very long time that I slept before midnight. I woke up happy. I even had breakfast before I set out with springy steps for the dean's class.

Only to arrive to an empty class and found out there was no class today. I looked up into the beautiful sky. "Takde jodoh."

On the way home outside the entrance of our campus, I saw the dean. Washed out light green shirt with yellow stripes and grey suit. The familiar uncombed hair, dialling his phone. I smiled and greeted him a good morning. He greeted me back awkwardly.

An encounter by accident. I was happy. Good morning indeed.

Times like this I feel I should switch major

Usually we will say a human is made up of his physical, his intellect and his soul. Miss one part of that and what? He's not a human?

I feel like throwing emotions in there as the fourth item. Or is it actually in one of the stated elements? There's a book I was reading back in Malaysia, The Decisive Moment or something. The author argued that a human's decision was based by his emotions. Emotions guide our daily judgement.

Al didn't have a body when he was tied to the armour. Does that make him a non-human? What was he? He still had his soul, his intellect and his emotions. Ed loved him and never saw him as anything else other than his brother.

What about those psychopaths who do harm without any feelings whatsoever. Those are the most dangerous of all crime; something done without feeling anything about it. Pushing people down the escalator and watching human dominoes fall with a sort of amusement. Withholding penicillin so data can be collected from a full blown tertiary syphilis.

Do you know how we come to know how we physiologically react to extreme of temperature?

Like when you pass a polygraph vanilla, neutral. You don't react to anything. Are you still human or is it right to label you as a monster?

Do you sympathies with them non-human? Or should we be scared? Lock them up? Stake out? What?

The worst of them are those who don't react, or give the wrong reaction?

---

On another note, I'd like to stay somewhere near the beach. Our home in Lundang is just 30 minutes away car-ride from Pantai Irama on a good day, our home really is the best.

I once considered to buy an apartment by the Pantai Balok beach but I believe a seaside property is not a good investment. We are heading towards rising sea level from the global warming. Read Nat Geo, people.

With all my might

From now on, every time someone walks away from me in a conversation, I'll say, "Btw, love your suit."

---

I'm pretty brave, I think. I ran towards a possessed friend to hold her down when everyone else backed off, so why can't I swallow a single pill?

---

This is possibly the best second-love-here-I-come speech in existence.

Once upon a time

There was a fire at my place on December 18th. It was Wednesday around 6.45pm. I was on my bed under the cover because studying was tiresome when I heard a loud crashing sound from outside my room. There was only me and another housemate at home, the other three went out to study at their friend's.

I got up irritated at the noise, couldn't my housemate keep it down? I stood up and took a step out of bed and that was when I noticed there was smoke coming inside my room near the open door. I usually take my spectacles off when at home thus my poor vision, that explained why I was late noticing the smoke. I glanced at the heater nearby, no there was no fire from around it.

What the hell, did the oven acted up? I walked out of my room, the irritation lingered, and noticed the hallway in front of the fridge was damn dark. Pitch black, too dark, it wasn't normally that dark when we switch the lights off leaving only the kitchen light on. I immediately saw a dancing red flame from my housemate's room which was at the left end of the hallway. There was the sound of wood burning, something came crashing down (ah, so that's where the noises came from) and I couldn't breathe properly. The kitchen on my right was grey with smoke, obscuring the light source, but other than that there was no fire from the kitchen.

I ran to Kak Huda's room and banged on her door, telling her Kak Amal's room was on fire and hurry up open the door. She opened the door semi-awake and I ran back towards the hallway to get water from the toilet just beside the burning room. When there's a fire, you put it out. It was too dark in the toilet and I couldn't see a single thing, why was it so dark? I struggled with the light switch with my hand over my mouth and nose, but where is the damn switch?

I couldn't breathe any longer, it really hurt. Kak Huda was already in her headscarf and she told me to open all the windows. I ran to my room and in my mind that time, I was thinking that no, my house was not on fire, I should get back to bed. But my body was on auto-pilot, it automatically moved to open the window, switch off the heater, put on my headscarf, ah dammit I can't see where I put my spec damn you for piling books around the pillow, snatched my phone jutting out from under the pillow and grabbed my bag at the end of the bed. Ever since the 2011 evacuation, I always pack my bag to be ready to run out of Egypt stat.

We ran off to wake the neighbours up.

---

By 7 we were out of the building, looking up to see fire coming out from Kak Amal's window and debris dropping down onto the side road. My feet were cold. I forgot my Croc when I first left the house and when I remembered later to get my shoes on, I couldn't get past the foyer from all the smoke and my second trial was also halted because the 6th floor was too thick with smoke I couldn't walk up the stairs.

I already called my other housemates. The neighbours were up trying to put the fire out and the neighbouring Baghl restaurant's staff already went up with their fire extinguishers. I was sure somebody called the firefighters already. I left a message on our family's WhatsApp stating "Dad, my house is on fire."

What now?

"Call the ikhwah," Kak Huda said. I wasn't sure what for, I didn't think there was anything they could do, but whatever. I was pumped, gimme something to do, I was bored waiting.

Firdaus lived nearby, but I mustn't bother someone who has an exam tomorrow. I called Azizul but he didn't pick up. I called Syak to speak with her husband.

"Anas, my house is on fire."

"WHAT? What do you want me to do??"

"How should I know? I'm calling just to let you know. My housemate told me to call ikhwah. Bye."

Writing this down, that was a pretty stupid conversation. I called Azizul again, that guy seemed to be reliable and know what to do when I consulted him a few weeks back regarding a household problem, and this time he picked up.

Okay, ikhwah called. Now to wait for the fire to be put out, and then I can go back up.

My phone rang. It was Ira. She asked me what she could do, and I laughingly said I don't know. She asked me if I needed anything, and I looked down at my bare feet and laughed into the receiver.

"Can you bring me a pair of sandals?"

---

7.20pm. The fire truck arrived. They don't have a ladder though, so they ran the hose up the stairs. I saw Imran running towards me and he asked me what he could do to help. I told him it was under control, the firefighters were controlling the fire.

I saw a lot of my batchmates that night. It really amazed me because there were some unexpected turn-outs, like this one guy who a friend always complained of his lack of gentlemanliness but he was there that night and I was graciously amazed I remember saying "Wow Abu is here!"

They could probably just came for the thrill of a fire, but I was grateful either way and accepted a goodwill as a goodwill. I got a couple more messages from friends that was near and far, it was endearing.

Remember I was shoeless? Well Aiyad offered his sandals just as a neighbour offered me a pair of newly bought slippers, so I thanked them both and took the slippers. Maisarah came running soon with her orange Croc and so I wore it because I hadn't any socks on. I didn't know what happened to the slippers, someone took it away. I would have like to treasure it.

I was pumped with adrenaline, so I ended up joyful and consoling others that night. Kak Amal cried and blamed herself for not being at home but I scolded her instead. "If you were in your room, you could got caught in the fire and die. We'd be stuck with an annoying poltergeist! Haha." In truth I was just happy there were two of us in the house that time, imagine the time I'd take if I were to wake four people up instead of one.

Writing this down, I was grateful that I was cheerful that night and depression only started to sink in days after. I never cry in front of them before, so I shouldn't start now. If I did, I'm sure it will be a rare sight flabbergasting them all. It was enough that they were around, no need to trouble people anymore that this fire already brought. I was sure people were less worried about me that night and they even made fun of the fact that I forgot to take my spectacles and shoes from the burning house but I remembered my Neurology book. Truth was, that book was there jutting out of my bag, so yeah.

It was 10.30 by the time I finished the troublesome police report and went to Umair's my temporary residence for the night. She brought home with her some of my most important belongings including my specs, Croc and Kevin. To think that I always envisioned he would be the first I take with me out of a burning house... ("Aaahh I couldn't believe I left you, forgive me!")

I cleared my throat repeatedly and grumbled, why did it hurt? It perplexed me that my throat hurt since the fire and that I drank a liter of water already in this two hour of winter but it wouldn't go away. And then it hit me. I came back near the fire and stayed too long near it. Everything was damn dark because of the smoke. I realised then it could be inhalation injury.

What should I do? Should I go to the hospital and get checked? Laryngeal edema on myself is not something I can manage on my own and I didn't think Umair can perform an emergency tracheostomy when it happens (I bet she'll panic), but as I was deciding, I got a call saying our bond officer Mr. Zikril wanted to see us at the house. So I ran out to greet him.

At Ayyash, the power was out. Kak Amal's room was totally destroyed. The hallway in front of it was destroyed, no trace at all of the shelves and my precious laundry hanging out in front of that room (damn, my bratty sweater Umair praised as cool, the skirt I just endorsed my favourite, argh the H&M tee I just bought and my favourite white singlet, among others. Oh why why why.) The bathroom took a toll and the water heater was partially melted. The refrigerator's top melted. The kitchen was ruined and our kitchenware all melted and smoked, but thankfully the cooking gas tank survived and didn't explode.

The only remark I said was "too bad we could no longer eat together from a tray" at the sight of our melted plastic tray.

At the police office earlier, I told Kak Milah I wanted to still live at Ayyash. Only one room was burnt, right? We could still live in the other rooms, right? But that night when I came back home, the whole place was blackened with soot. I opened my cupboard only to see my clothes all black and reeked of smoke. My books were black. My lovely beloved bed had the stench, too.

Everything was smoked. We couldn't possibly live there anymore.

Dad called right in the middle of giving En. Zikril a tour of the ruined. I told him what happened, the police report, and what was going to happen next. He asked me if I was okay, if there was anything. I told him my throat complaint and my provisional diagnosis and asked him whether I should go to the hospital.

I went back to Umair's near midnight when the hosts were all asleep, carrying with me bag of books I wouldn't want the police to catch sight on. It was bulky and heavy and I was tired and I wished the chaperon would offer to carry it but I was grateful for people caring for me enough tonight, I should endure.

There was a nagging need to get rid of this soot stench but I didn't have any change of clothe because all the clothing they took for me were sooted as well. Scavenged through Umair's unfolded laundry and stole a pair of pyjama pants and a shirt, took her towel and went for a cold shower. For a moment there, I forgot about everything else.

I did double round for one load of laundry while organizing what needed to be done tomorrow. This was tiring, I nearly wished my clothes were all burnt so I could just buy new clothes instead of this tiring washing them all. I cleared my throat again and remembered what dad said about inhalation injury, but it was 2am and I was exhausted.

I prayed my larynx won't swell in my sleep.

---

The next day. I had to go to the court to process my report that morning and thus skipped the morning class. I called my mom before going, sitting casually on a trolley bag like nothing happened.

"Don't worry mom, minor inhalation injury but it'll pass in another 24 hours. I'm okay, doing well."

Her voice changed, quieter, like she was going to cry. "This is a fire we're talking about, anything could have happened then."

Her words slapped me. The burning wood could have easily fall onto me. My asthma could acted up from all the smokes and I could have collapsed right beside the fire. My laziness could have just compelled me to stay in bed and further deteriorate the fire with late discovery.

God, I was grateful my irritation compelled me to get up that time.

It was in the afternoon class however, that mom's word and the implications of a fire really hit me. I got too close to the fire, I could have died. You bitch, who the hell goes back to a bathroom besides a burning room for water?

I was now homeless, where would I go after class? I wiped out miserable tears with my sleeves.

Mint choc chip ice cream with liberal amount of choc fudge sauce and peanuts to top

It was decided a long time ago that we're going to be a person of many pleasure but few indulgence and that we're going to live by "love is appreciation, not possession". So this one time, please brave this out because there's a lot more to be considered than just your own pleasure. There is deeper meaning to happiness and ticking off your indulgences is not necessarily one of it.

I know this is a heartbreak and the pain hurts worse than any physical hit, but everything is merely in your head. Your feelings are yours, no one can tell you what to feel. If you're jealous, it's only because you're not looking at what you already have and achieved.

I'll do my best in avoiding provocations so please do your best by thinking of something else and control yourself. We have work to do this coming two days, focus and don't screw up.

Get a grip, we can do this. We've survived too much and this long, this time it is nothing.

---

Really, I'm a simple person. You can feed me rice and plain omelette and I'll be more than happy. I'll have milk for breakfast and salted chips for snack. I can sleep anywhere and stay anywhere I can see the sky from. I don't need fancy clothes so long I have my favourite jeans and my black tee. 

I don't wish for much. I just want to be able to sleep at a proper time and alternate between being lazy and doing my best. Ultimately I want to go to exciting places, do exciting stuffs and nap under the sky afterward. I want to be self-sufficient and not have to depend on others, but I've come to realize there are some crucial things I have to let go because I'm not great enough, I can't always run off on my own. And because it's a personal dream, I can't possibly impose on others what I've longed for all this time. 

"When there's two of you, you can dream bigger dreams."

So this is not the end yet. I'll manage. I just need to find someone who's willing to be imposed on, and I promise I'll run through hell for that person in exchange. 

Crescent-lit Night

I sing a song with all my heart, my heart

Do you know the story of you and me

That is shining in this world?

Unchangingly always by my side

Your heart is making me shine

I hope that this feeling

Can continue shining on forever

Yes, I hope that your and my feelings

Will surely become a single star

I sing a song with all my heart, my heart

Humming CN Blue - Starlit Night

Campfire night at Orabi Farm, 

030114

Be brave

It'd be best if he fishes, because grilled fresh fish is the best when you're by the sea. Undoubtedly cheaper and modernly barbaric to be literally working for food. Salt, pepper, some fresh rosemary maybe and a squeeze of lemon. We'll share with any passers-by, I'm not stingy.

If he's comfortable with being silence in nature and let me just lay down and stare at the sky. I want to stop time and absorb and enjoy everything slowly. Surrounding me are supernaturally beautiful nature, and when I look to my side, there's him.

If he's adventurous and wouldn't mind taking off after a quick planning. We'll walk and explore. Get lost in nook and crannies. Say hi to the locals and get invited for hot chocolate. Stop to stoop at cats, though I doubt there will be any on the street in this minus degree weather.

Past sunset, it's out for the light hunt. We must or I'll cry. We'll be dressed as warm as possible and I'd prep my brain to commit every scene to memory. Join the Arctic Guide perhaps. 3 nights for only USD400, I don't mind.

We'll go to the mountains and into the fjords. We'll sneak onto reindeers and probably make friends with the Sami. Will he be friendly? Because I tend to be silent on first encounter, so I'll be relying on him.

Oh. Most importantly he shouldn't be a sissy against the Northern winter cold. Ah what am I saying, maybe I'm the one who is.

It'd be the most fun ever.

decision

during my 23rd birthday, i told my parents i'd like to donate my organs when my end comes. dad was pretty nonchalant when he agreed, but mom made this solemn face. i'm not sure whether that's a yes or no, and i'm not even sure whether i was asking for permission or telling them my decision. i'm 23, legally i'm matured enough to decide what to do with my life.

but parental consultation is wise at any age, so i've been holding on to this form until i can properly discuss this with them. that time, it was me and dad watching TV and mom was at the kitchen and i popped out "hey mom, dad, when i die i want to donate my organs. okay with you guys?"

this summer, inshaAllah.

my reason for such? i'd be dead by then and will have no use for such organs, might as well contribute as much as i can for humankind. and it's not like i'd be that externally disfigured if it's aesthetic value my family is concerned of. hehe.

---

dad prayed for me as an "intensivist" the other day, i wondered what he meant. i took up medicine to follow in dad's footstep as a neonatologist and i really do enjoy paeds. but i also like traumatology. the ability to perform coolly under duress scares and excites me at the same time and several times i envisioned myself patching up broken soldiers back to their working condition.

i want to be able to be dispatched anywhere on earth as a medical field worker and to tick off my to-go list i am unable to fulfil with my time and financial restrictions as a mere student (it's usd4000 per person, i want to cry). doctors without borders so far has need for paediatricians, intensive care physicians, emergency physicians, surgeon even, so i'm good.

but when in doubt, MERGE. haha. yeah, too early to decide. i'm not sure at what stage you get career consultation, but i think if you get it as earliest as possible, you'd be able to decide what to concentrate on during student life thus how to use your time-off wisely. i'd have dad in the summer to consult paeds career, so this winter i'll use it to consult on intensive pathway.

it's going to be a tough career life either way. i suppose it's lifestyle modification that i need now. either a supportive household or a lonesome household, bwahaha. there will be a cat either way.

so today, i read the syllabus for post-graduate critical care medicine with awe. 

Aah

Today in the Neuro class with Dr. Heba Mostafa, she taught us etiquette.

"In the faculty, don't use too much 'masyi' or 'okay'. Use instead 'na3am' or 'laa'. You can use as much 'okay' you want outside the faculty.

Like in the exam and the student didn't hear my question, don't say 'eeh? (what?)' It is improper. Say instead 'Yes?' or 'Sir?'"

At home we were taught to respond people with "Ya?" and I always had to scold Hakim who replied back "Ape dia!" That monkey, haha. (Okay I admit I do this sometimes too, but my tone was more polite.)

Our colleague asked the doctor. "What about 'aiwah'?"

"That is a little bit better than 'okay'."

Aah. But I usually use 'ah' that is the shorter form of 'aiwah'. So that makes my etiquette the worst I suppose.

See, if you don't tame your stubborn kids properly at home, they become wild in the community. Like me. Keh3.

Nice People Die Young

Today we took Burn in Surgery lecture. It was a nice lecture, Dr. Yehia Safwat was cool and awesome. I benefitted since his first slide of Skin Anatomy.

Until we came to the special circumstances concerning Burn ie Upper Respiratory Airway Injury. The phrase laryngeal edema troubled me and made me edgy. I wanted to raise my hand and ask "what about inhalation injury?" but I remembered our previous lecturer who said "If you wait, your question will probably be answered."

So I waited, and there it was. The next subtopic was that of Inhalation Injury.

I swear I've been normal non-edgy since two weeks. I haven't been restless at night and no fire protocol had been running through my head. It had been a good life thinking about studies and where should I put my stuffs once unpacking commence.

The lecture troubled me in a sense that it made me fully appreciate how lucky I was that my inhalation injury was minor and I only had sorethroat for two days that no water could quench. I was aware and made jokes about it. That night, laryngeal edema did concerned me but I brushed it off and went to sleep per normal. I forgot laryngeal edema means can't breathe and death. If I had remember, I would probably went to the ER straight, everything else could wait.

Come to think of it, I made jokes about everything that first few days. Huh. NB: abnormal timely response should be monitored for abnormal post-timely reaction.

After class, I approached the bench and asked questions to justify my not-on-the-safe-side approach or should we accept reality and call it reckless. The doctor answered satisfactorily but there was a nagging in my head that pestered for more questions to be asked. But I withdrew, thanked him and walked away.

I cleared my throat because it suddenly got tight like it had that night. Irritated and I needed water now. Stupid, the fire was a month ago. Be rational now, there is no residual effect. It's psychological, stop being a sissy. Say your thanks to God you lucky bitch, you didn't die of laryngeal edema.

I suppose Anas was right when he said all females are hysterical.

Trust without depending

For example, I need help so as usual will contact the person who I trust has the ability to help and most likely to say yes. We decide to do so-and-so at a certain time and place.

But for some reason he didn't show up. I'll wait for the benefit of doubt and then proceed to do it by myself. Or if I really can't do it myself, say it's a gender-specific or person-specific task, I'll find someone else or reschedule.

No hard feelings, because I trust that person but I don't depend on him. Life goes on. What is most important is things get done. Everything else can go die.

---

Sometimes I feel like that way of life is sad, because I know it comes from previously trusting and depending on people and having them break that trust. You got hurt. Thus you decrease human attachments for the sake of not getting hurt again.

Some people call it strong. I suppose. When you learn from pain, you'll become stronger. In this world, you should only be vulnerable in front of the person who loves you the most. Someone you can trust and depend on.

Good luck. You'll need that.

Self

In an attempt at being selfless, I've been selfish.

I'm not the only one struggling with the aftermath. There's four more of us and we're all separated except three stayed together. Each have their own demon to deal with, and since I've been too cooped up in my own world, I conveniently forgot about them. Huh.

Really, it all started with not wanting to bother them because they have their final exams. I can handle the house. I'm not a kid and they don't have to take care of me. And since I suck at small talk and greetings, I talked business if nothing at all with them.

Today I realized that Kak A still beat herself over the fact it was her room that caught fire when actually there's nothing we could have done about poor old wiring. Kak M had been wandering off alone again and it must have been lonely for her, I should have thought of that when I took a rain check on her invitation to hang out at the zoo or by the Nile. Kak T the doting sister checked up on me earlier on, but being the stubborn kid who refused to be looked after by people around her age, I ran off to avoid answering about my psychological well-being thus forgot to ask about her own psychological well-being. She's a kind person, I wonder how many times has she cried since the fire. Kak H as well.

Selfish, really. A good support group is made up of people who can emphatise with each other. And who better in this case if not the original housemates of the burnt house?

The second day of the fire, I wandered off to where the three seniors were because I just want to hang out with my housemates. We had dinner, I fooled around and then went back alone to Umair's around 8pm. It is, in a way, a sort of normalcy. We always had dinner together. We talk when we're at home.

Now we don't have a house but we still have each other. I just need to walk to Sayyeda to meet them.

---

I can't handle too much kindness, really. With my pride, it's easy to feel patronized. It's more than enough that Umair, Pait and Iema have put a roof over my head and fed me, for the Muntalaqians and Raqaiqs to hold host for my stuffs, I can't really handle being taken care of by everyone and anyone else.

So don't worry about me, I write to organize my thoughts and feelings so that I will still function and not end up on a suicidal watch. Plus I am not good at reciprocating and thus will appear awkward, too macho, expressionless, and take kind people for granted.

And the last is why I generally avoid kind people in the first place.