Dr. Azizi and his sweet tooth

Seriously Dr. Azizi ni saya dah keluar Surgery baru nak berkawan. Hahaha. Today I finished inserting a branula and went to the counter to put his blood forms. There I met Dr. Azizi who was on the phone.

I grinned at him, ready to greet him but he beat me to it.

"Atiqah, harini takde brownies?"

I laughed. No greetings whatsoever! "Kenapa tak cakap semalam, semalam saya off."

---

My last day in Surgery, Dr. Azizi kept saying "tapi awak dah last day dah" each time he ordered me something regarding patient's care. Up to the point I told him "dah la tu cakap camtu, sedih saya." Haha.

At the end of the day after PM round, Dr. Helmi gestured me towards where the MOs were standing by the hallway.

"Atiqah harini last day awak dah kan."

"Yes. Ada wasiat ke?" Last night I went supper after OT with Dr. Luqman, Dr. Mus, Kak Dayah and Ayus who was oncall Paeds. Kak Dayah's will to me was "bo lah refer kes traumatic PD nyo."

"Nombor satu, buang spec tu, beli spec baru."

"Haha taknak, saya suka spec ni."

"Spec dia ni takde lens," he complained to Kak Paan.

"Comel ape," Kak Paan backed me up. Hahaha.

Dr. Azizi asked me when I'm going to treat them all.

"Now. Saya bawak brownies harini." Because Dr. Aizat the Ketua Kelas said there would be an MO Teaching today and told me since last week to bring food, so mom prepared brownies for them.

"Awak buat ke mak awak buat?" Dr. Helmi sniggered.

"Of course la mak saya. Semalam OT habis lambat kan. Pukul 12 baru saya sampai rumah."

"Mak Atiqah memang selalu bawak makanan untuk dia, saya selalu habiskan," Dr. Helmi told Dr. Azizi. I laughed. Bagus la sedar diri.

I wished Dr. V a good year and told him to take care of his liver. He said his liver is spared another one week.

Dr. Vicky invited me to OT Locum today, so I packed my OT clothes to today's work. It turned out I'm Discharge HO of the day so I ended up leaving work at 3pm today. Several of my AM colleagues left work earlier than me.

Sam bid me goodbye as I was stuck in front of the computer doing discharge.

"Noo don't leave me alone!"

"Atiqah pasang la lagu, takde la sunyi sangat."

I turned on the playlist he pointed and hit Green Day's Boulevard of Broken Dreams. Music started, lyric played.

"Haa sesuai sangat la tu."

"Sam jangan pergiiiii."

He laughed! That bastard hahaha.

---

Went to Anggerik afterwards and saw Dr. Vicky running after a patient's 5-year-old brother.

Ah, OT long finished already. Never mind, let's lepak.

Dr. Zafran was also there. He's studying at the hospital for their Master entrance exam, him and Dr. Vicky. Exam this Monday and Tuesday and they're leaving on Sunday evening.

I went for lunch with Dr. Vicky and he settled on a bun because there wasn't any vegetables served.

"I'm vegetarian today."

"Why today?"

"Need God's help to pass the exam."

"Hahaha suddenly you're all religious and pious!"

"I'm not confident with my ability alone hahah."

---

I asked him if he was there when my dad met Mr. Tar at ACC last Thursday.

"Yes I was. The whole team was there."

"What did they talked about?"

"We mentioned to him about you coming to APAPU."

That's one my dad didn't mention. My dad told me Mr. Tar was asking where I was ("Atiqah Medical sekarang") and that he wanted to pull me in as a Surgical MO. Dad only laughed in response.

"What did he say about it?"

"He said you're still a houseman."

I nodded. I thought so. Dad seems to want me to go through all my postings first and decide later, not promoting me to settle on anything yet. He doesn't want me to rush.

I don't know if this is considered rushing, but I remember being inclined towards Surgical-based since signing up for medical school. I remember being very much excited with Dr. Hussein and Dr. Shenoufy. I always keep Dr. Shenoufy's advice at the back of my mind as I made up my current working plan, that is

To become a specialist
To present papers at international level
To meet back my professors in Egypt especially Dr. Hussein and Dr. Shenoufy

Dr. Shen's advice was for me to pick a lifestyle first before I pick a career. As of yet, I am still undecided of what lifestyle to settle with, but at the pace I'm going, Surgery is where I'm heading to.

2016

I only fulfilled the first of many of last year's resolution. With no regret, let's do resolution again this year.

This 2016, I wish:

1) to go farther
2) make better memories
3) serve my family more
4) properly believe in "love and set free"
5) finish each posting in time

Hello there old friend!

They had been going on about Dr. V but referring to him as "Abe Ki Tiqah." It got on my nerve at one point.

"Why are you referring to him as Abe Ki?"

"Because he's your favourite MO," Dr. Luqman stated as a fact.

"He's not my number one favourite," I snorted. I like Dr. Vicky and he is one of my favourites. On a more playful occasion I would reply that he is my favourite MO or be truthful that Nash is my most favourite MO, but he sounded almost as if he was sulking. I smirked. "You're not jealous are you?"

"Say that one more time," he semi turned in his seat.

"I will only repeat myself if you admit you're an old man (I was most inclined to say "old fart" instead) with difficulty in hearing."

He didn't reply. I felt a tiny bit of satisfaction at winning before I realised the fun stops when the bantering stops... Huh.

There was one time when he couldn't reply. He went on and on about me being "a burden" during our cycling, that he had to go slow because of me and whatsit. Then he asked if I could go farther with him next time.

"Sure," I replied confidently.

"Sure you won't be a burden?"

"Of course. I'm only 25. I don't smoke."

"..."

"Wow," Pofin interjected. "Speechless Luqman."

"Aku tengah tunggu dia habis cakap baru nak reply. Dah habis dah Tiqs?"

I laughed.

---

Last night he asked when am I next oncall, and pointed out we couldn't chat at Mr. Z's because the Paed Team was in a hurry. I told him I'll be next call on Wednesday.

"I oncall Rabu jugak. We chill nanti."

Hahaha that really cheered me up. I replied with party-hat/balloon/party-crackers emoticon. Then I belatedly realise I must be sorely lacking attention that I was cheered by an empty promise of hanging out. I really miss Umair and Kak Jun.

I need to go out more.

Hung me upside down

I am itching to hang out with Dr. Luqman. Kalau pergi Anggerik mesti borak dengan Dr. V je, no idea why I avoid him face-to-face.

Tadi dia call tanya "bedsore ke" lol perasan aku postcall harini rupanya and suruh datang rumah Mr. Z stat. He hung up with "see you" to which I said "okay".

But when I got there, tak sempat borak pun. Not even a proper greeting. Sempat properly greet Dr. V and grinned at Dr. Japran and chatted with surgeons, but not him. I feel bad. He is a friend.

Today was my supervisor's open house, lucky for me I'm postcall so I went and ate a lot. Met Mr. Mad, Mr. Imi and introduced my parents to Dr. Jularipin, Dr. Vicky and my mate Dr. Luqman. Dad jokingly asked Mr. Mad how I was in Surgery and Mr. Mad said "blind spot. Saya nak extend dia" followed by Mr. Zuraimi affirming.

Mr. Imi later asked me "stress tak duduk Medical?" Naturally I answered "Saya lagi suka duduk Surgery" to which he laughed out loud.

Today I am postcall and I have yet to sleep since 6am yesterday. I can see myself crashing into the water canal and becoming a dead weight burden to him, but I still want to go riding. He's oncall and when he answered a short "yap" to my confirming it, I know it meant a no-go today.

I swear I will work harder to be more efficient so that I can hurry get away from Medical

Dr. Luqman always try to poke my eyes through my spec. I let him be. He did that when we were having supper with Ayus, Dr. Mus and Kak Dayah and Kak Dayah spoke up.

"Me mu tokleh buat gitu ko puwe."

"Atiqah bukan sebarang perempuan. Dia special."

"Calling me special makes me sound retarded."

"Usual day at work. Except still at work."

The first day I exited Paed, Dr. Luqman sat across me reviewing Plastic BHT and questioned

"Awak kata awak 4th week Paeds."

"I thought so too," I sighed.

"Sebab awak dah keluar Paed, our friendship ends here!" He made a chopping motion and hit the table. I smirked.

"Okay."

---

My second last day as a Surgical HO. Earlier I went to Anggerik and placed a Mars bar on Dr. Luqman's bicycle. I did that because the day before I asked him to "let me belanja you someday before Wednesday." 

He asked back "when is that" but I never replied because I belatedly realise I was making a promise but I don't have trust in my capabilities to fulfill it. I'm running out of time.

Black ended OT that day at 10.30pm. Dr. Luqman messaged me to thank me for the bar. I said it was the only I can afford. I didn't tell him I was referring to time. 

Last day in Plastic

Punched in, straight away did AM review for our two patients in Anggerik, one in Bendahara and last one in Wad 30. Asked Dr. Aizat when he's coming for round.

8.30 he messaged back. Okay I said. He asked me if I'm the only one working today. I said yes. He said untung laaa.

Kenapa untung? I asked. Nak belanja makan kee hahah

Selepas round kita breakfast.

Yeaaaa.

Came another message from Dr. Vicky inviting me to their OT starting at 0845. Excited by his offer but told him I would be joining them after I finished my Plastic work.

Suddenly Dr. Luqman called.

"Atiqah awak kerja harini?"

"Yep. Ada apa?"

"Nak ajak breakfast."

"Waah nak! But I'm waiting for Dr. Aizat to come round first."

"Biar la Aizat round sorang."

"Haha mane boleh." Selamba betul! "Dr. Aizat invited me for breakfast after round. Come join us."

"Saya nak breakfast sebelum round."

"Sorry I cannot make it."

"Okay."

"Enjoy yourself."

I was happy, haha. It feels like Allah is cheering me up after what He planned for me last night.

So after round we went for breakfast. Apparently we're both light eaters. Dr. Aizat told me of his journey to masterhood and I listened attentively. I told him my number one issue is that I have not yet settled with what lifestyle do I intend to live my whole life.

The nurse called me to inform of a new case arriving for tomorrow's OT so we went back to ward to review him. I stayed at Anggerik to fully clerk him, then went to Wad 28 to clerk one new admission. Alerted Dr. Aizat of the arrival as I clerked her. He said he'll arrive at 1130 and that Miss Shawal is coming for round at 1200 starting at Anggerik.

Round, branula for our patient, blood-taking, documenting T/O orders. I finished my job in Plastic at 1315. Dr. Aizat told me to go home. I replied with a great big grin. I did not tell him I'm going into OT with Dr. Vicky and Mr. Razin.

I picked out that Dr. Vicky is not many MOs' favourite and I've heard some secondary sources on why, but I don't really want to know. Guys have their own ways of befriending each other. Twice Dr. Aizat had to call Dr. Vicky to refer cases and twice he complained "ala malasnya aku nak cakap dengan dia" but when he called for referring he did so professionally. And I've sat next to Dr. Vicky as he questioned "why is Aizat getting emotional over a retractile testis?"

When I showed up at OT, they were waiting for the last case already, haha. Mr. Razin saw me and he grinned obviously amused.

"Atiqah awak dari mana?"

"Saya dari Plastic. Baru siap kerja."

"Awak oncall?" It was close to 1330, AM shift could have gone back at 1200.

"Tak saya AM," I grinned back, anticipating where this was heading.

"Atiqah awak takde rumah ke?"

Dr. Vicky and I doubled over laughing. "Mr. Raziiiin."

Dr. Vicky said they have a term for people like us. "CRH, chronic retention houseman. Always at the hospital, never going home."

Haru who yells

Last Monday there was a mass circumcision program at our hospital. One patient had bleeding post op so I stood beside him compressing the bleeder. Patient was crying and inconsolable. One male came and jokingly said to the patient

"Dik kitorang buang batu adik tadi. Tengok tu sebelah takde."

I automatically yelled at him. "Woi patient tengah distress kau scare dia lagi pehal, ape masalah kau!"

He grinned sheepishly and went away from me. Belatedly I realised he must have been an MO from other department or district. Ahh whatever, you're distressing the patient, I'll yell even if you're the specialist.

I told this to my family over dinner and my dad who had been listening with a small smile turned to my mom and said "Garang anak you ni."

"Kalau orang yang kenal papa, Ika cakap terus "tapi perangai saya ikut mak saya"."

Mom yelled at me bwahaha. Dad gave me double thumbs up with a very amused face.

To Pengkalan Chepa

Went cycling with Dr. Luqman today. Dad wasn't happy when he realised I was cycling with him.

"Dia kan dah kahwin."

"Haah," I answered as a matter of fact. Actually this is why I hang out with him.

"Be careful," was what dad said. Dad also told me to wear my helmet but I forgo it. Because Dr. Luqman doesn't, and in a sense I want to level our playing field.

---

"You need to manoeuvre your bike without your feet touching the ground," Dr. Luqman said after I failed to make a proper U-turn while riding.

"I'm learning," I said.

"Slow learner."

"I heard that."

---

"Esok Plastik ada apa?"

"Laser clinic.. I think."

"Laser clinic? That's lame."

"Ke OT? Entah. We have a patient today coming for AVF."

"Ooh."

"This is my irresponsibility talking. I don't remember our schedule."

"Because you're not interested."

"Still. I should show more effort despite what happened. They don't deserve a houseman like me."

"Neither do Paeds."

"Okay... (Dude that stings.) No team deserve a houseman so lacking like me."

"But Zafran speaks highly of you."

"Really? What did he say? Aha did he tell you about that time I called him "cow"?"

---

"Okay Tiqah."

"See you cm."

"Be careful."

I didn't look back. I went out at 6 plus and came home just after 7.30pm.

Dad wasn't happy... He's not actively talking to me. Quite ironic that the current last thing he said to me was also the same as Dr. Luqman's.

2nd stage of grief

Dr. Luqman told me to "cheer up, life is short." I know life is short but this time it wasn't my fault that I think I had more time to spend in Paeds.

I really am sad. He wanted to take me out cycling but I passed out on the couch at our ward this evening for a full three hour. Woke up at 7 pm huh.

I used postcall as an excuse.

Tolerating no nonsense today

I came to work pissed off at not being able to do anything about my situation. Nobody cares anyway, so there I was going about my job, not greeting anyone. My colleagues noticed how I spoke the bare minimum and not a smile to them, but said nothing about it.

Morning round with Dr. Zafran was the first time I smiled and laughed. Dr. Zafran can make anyone laugh. Post round I was back to my murderous self.

I plugged my ears to music today but still responsive. I did all my job. New case came of acute appendicitis. Patient in pain, I wanted the BHT. Stupid nurse wanted to write her report. I stood there pissed off.

"Doktor pergi la tengok patient dulu."

"Saya tak tahu pun dekat ED dah start ubat ke, MO dah review ke."

She passed me the ED clerking. I went to attend patient. My MO came and ordered supp Voltaren stat for the patient to the nurses. They were going on between how many to give and I couldn't follow with everyone talking. I asked my MO to repeat the dose.

Stupid nurse interjected. "Doktor ni pakai earphone bukan nak dengar apa Dr. Zafran cakap."

I turned around to face her. "Apehal pulak. Saya tak pakai pun earphone sekarang." I wasn't even talking to you, you bitch.

Wtf stupid lady. I turned back to face the BHT and remained frowning and pissed off. A senior nurse saw my face. Later on that particular stupid nurse didn't bother me anymore. I have to thank this brilliant senior nurse for this.

I went to the counter to finish my writing. My MO came and stood in front of me.

"Atiqah kenapa macam stress."

"Saya stress ada beberapa sebab." I heaved a sigh. Asshole of a HO Leader, stupid nurse, where do I begin? But I remember being happy when he was around earlier this morning. I grinned and looked up to him. "Tapi saya happy sebab Dr. Zafran ada. Hehe."

Otak kuning

Mr. Razin stretched his back in the middle of gastrostomy and turned to me on his right. "If you're going to do Surgery, buy a back brace or you'll get PID like me."

"Oo okay," I nodded and made a mental note of it.

"Apedia bos? Big breast?" Our clown of an MO Dr. Zafran asked from across Mr. Razin.

"Back brace la!" Mr. Razin answered. I laughed out loud. "Oh my God macam mana boleh salah sangat dengar tu?"

"Depends on otak masing-masing," Mr. Razin said in between chuckle. "Zafran memang otak obstructive jaundice."

F

I'm so full of hatred for the current HO Leader right now. I hate him.

I pray he gets a taste of this. I pray people back out on him like he did to me. I hope he gets hurt as much as this hurts me.