Nihil sine Deo

I was going to do this a little fancier but I realised I have lost my mojo. So let's do this the casual style.

I'm having my job interview the day after tomorrow. It's just a formality, the fact that the medical council had issued my temporary licence and that I have an interview waiting means my job as a house officer is guaranteed.

I'm not worried about work. It's an entity of difficulties that must be faced when the time comes. You know how I always need a protocol for every occasion right? And I do, sort of, for the coming phase of my life. At the very least I have my support system ready and all I need now is my wardrobe.

Except I haven't figure out yet how to properly deal with the people I don't like. Though I decided to have no contact whatsoever, Allah has another plan for me. Perhaps He wants me to work on this. I guess I have to now that He presented me with this.

So here's to Haru not losing her temper at unreliable colleagues.

P/s: I'm watching Zero Hour as we speak. The title means "Nothing without God".

Ten minutes that gave me stiff shoulder

There are few noted events I should write about:

(1) met beloved doctors before I got on the plane for my extended stay in Malaysia (some people might call it my last day in Egypt, but I disagree.)
(2) taujihat from Dr. Shen
(3) second trip to Singapore
(4) daurah mustawa
(5) daurah BFG
(6) daurah Pre HO

Right now I have some things I should do including:
(1) our batch graduation book
(2) syllabus to study for SPA interview this 30th. Haha. It's skema because Pazlin is the PIC for our trip and that's what she asked of me. Deadline is tomorrow... I haven't started on it yet hahaha. Blame Number 1.
(3) lecture notes for junior
(4) unpack three cargo boxes... Oh for the life of me.

It seems little but it's actually a lot. I'm helping Syahdu as his deputy editor-in-chief and among others was sorting out the biodata. My friends' life principles amused me very much. I like that it showed their personality. For example we have Abu who wrote "do less, achieve more" in the respected way of an aloof genius.

Whenever I use the computer or laptop of any sort, I'm bound to get a stiff right shoulder. It sets after 10-15 minutes or so and I haven't figure out what was wrong about my posture. Mom blamed my posture but I blame genetics. Dad has the same stiff shoulder.

And the annoying thing is that it doesn't stop there. It goes to my right occiput and gives me cervicogenic headache.

I still should email Dr. Hussein. I miss him a lot. And Dr. Shen.

In which Haru is a well-behaved kid who greets her elderlies

The other day I randomly messaged Beffy with a "Beffy!" and it took him a while to reply "ni sape ek" to which I realise I forgot to introduce my Msia number. Like every good kid I apologised and told him it was me.

It took him a week or so to reply he was sorry for being late and that he was very busy. Ah yeah, aren't they all. And he asked me when I got back.

I retorted it had been a month! Anyway such obliviousness sort of made me regret introducing myself instead of using that opportunity to play a different character. Like being a random handsome dude stalking him.

Though he might not think it's funny and disown me. Beffy makes the best nasi karot. If he disowns me I won't be able to eat the best nasi karot again.

So today I messaged Kak Junaidah a bit and left a "hijack!" on Jack's PM.

My theory is correct. I can never sleep properly when at home.

I should write this while I still remember. We are related by relation, not by blood. This is how:

My late paternal grandpa's eldest brother Atuk Long married Nek Long who is Uncle Razali's mom's younger sister. Uncle Razali calls dad's Mak Long as Mak Ngah.

So Uncle Razali and dad are cousins by relation. Uncle Razali's kids, nieces and nephews are my second cousins by relation.

To always have faith that what is yours will be yours

When I was in Singapore, Uncle Razali congratulated me on graduating before going slightly mellow and said that they were scared for me.

It hit me that my posts of announcing that exam was tomorrow and asking for prayers may have came across as.. worrisome. I hope not to ever act so again.

I know that everything for me has been written in my fate and I have faith Allah will never abandon nor hold me in vain. I hope to portray and live my life as optimistic as possible, with all the faith in Him, and to always be happy with Allah from the very start.

And I hope He be happy with me. Ameen.

Haru's Blacklist

People kept confusing me for a kid and I blame my youthful appearance for that. I'm not a fashionista and I don't know how to wear makeups. And sometimes I run and jump around and be the boisterous kid.

But I know when to be adult-like responsible and reliable. I know when to be my lazy-ass self and when to step up forward; though sometimes I just don't care. I know how to take care of myself and others proven by all these years. I understand things pretty fast and I analyse things well. My parents trust me to go most places alone and they even give a credit card that they pay for and more cash than I ask for because they trust me with my financial.

So yes. You may mistake me for a 15 years old but I'm actually 25 this year. And I have a medical licence.

I apologise if this comes across as a bragging post, but I'm coming to my point. My biggest flaw is that I have a short temper. I lose patience with most people easily. People who have the fatal combo of slow-wit and arrogance. People who have no respect for others. People who don't think and expect explanation on a silver platter. Basically adults who perform poorly.

They bore me and I lose my temper. Unless I deem them worthy of my insight on why I think they're annoying and thus a candidate for change, I ignore them and walk away. They do not deserve my time.

This is why I prefer to go alone or a maximum of three. And yes, I have a blacklist of people I do not want to associate myself with.

Insanity starts with a spark

Disclaimer: This of course is not news, but we all know Haru here likes to vent.

Funny how I was tired this evening and slept a wink on the train today but when I got home, my brain was completely alive. And now it's past two thirty in the morning and I can't sleep. It's so annoying to be ptosed and tired and gladly shutting the eyes but the brain kept going. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME WTHELL AM I WORRYING?

Dad and the guys joked my unable-to-sleep is good for when I'm a house officer and it's not like my brain is non functioning despite the whole sleep issue. But it's eating on my mood and nerves get easily ticked not to mention thinking with minimal sleep gives me headaches.

One of these days I'm really, seriously going to the shrink. Urgh, perhaps I should have declared to MMC that I'm having sleep issues?

---

I have two theories.

One is that I sleep better when I'm on my side and my back is leaning onto a surface perpendicular to my bed. For example, when I sleep on my side and my back is pressed to the wall. Or when I sleep on the couch. That is why I'm so happy couches were invented. The bed I'm sleeping on is a distant from the wall and I've been meaning to get the bed moved close to the wall... I really need to do things instead of just planning.

Second is that songs are stuck in my head. They're usually different sporadic songs but most of them are of the same vibe. You know my taste, they're not exactly sleep inducing. The past three days of frustrating sleep-evading nights saw Muse - Hysteria's bass and guitar solo looping in my head.

Can't really blame me. Their music is so handsome.

The Blacklist

Just for the record, Tom and Elizabeth Keen's love story is probably my current favourite romance. S2 E16 ending conversation wrapped up the whole romance beautifully.. in the insane way they are.

"Keen."

"It's me. Are you okay?"

"... Where are you?"

"Are you okay?"

When I call, I always greet the person by name and introduce myself by name. To one day take a leaf out of their book seems like a pretty decent goal..

In which Haru is a scumbag

I've been busy these couple of days playing Sims 3.

I started off making a couple of young adults and designed their home. Daniel was a scientist and Taylor was in the law enforcement. They then had Logan, who went into medical because that was what his parents wished for.

And then both Daniel and Taylor died, Taylor one day before her husband, which caught me off guard because Daniel was the one older by a day. Logan had a very hectic life with his medical work, overtime and making sure his dad's garden didn't die. Because he was sorely lacking a social life, he adopted a pair of kids; named Erin Jane and Danny to make sure the family lives on.

It was very obvious the kids were adopted. Both were adopted in their childhood and were blond and darker skinned. The Bensons were fair skinned, Daniel and Logan were black haired while Taylor was redheaded. Both grew up fine thanks to Logan tutoring and me cheating, bwahaha.

Okay so one day, Logan got off work. Clad in his white coat, he was a Level 8 Medical if I remembered correctly. Outside the hospital was this one lady and he greeted her. And then he wished to start a romance with her.

It wasn't unexpected but it still caught me by surprise. He was already an Elder. How will the kids accept her? She already had a partner, but Logan wasn't going to live long and I pity that guy dies a virgin..

So I married them off and made her pregnant. I fed her tonnes of apple and didn't play her except to let her watch Kidz Zone on TV and sleep the whole day. My plan is to let her have a boy and after the kid becomes a toddler, Logan breaks up with her and gains custody.

---

I am a scumbag. Pazlin has been referring to me as a type of boyfriend (refer Ume's latest post on my wall) but here I am, playing and using girls.

How to treat a cat

I'm having deep conversation with mom today. Let me share a glimpse of it. This segment was went we discussed the differences of love language.

"Women want to be treated with physically expressed love. The men in our family are not like that but they really do love us. But women expect to be given gifts, touched, stroked-"

"That's not a woman, that's a cat," I replied.

Love don't die

Few things.

(1) I'll go with single flower bouquet. Reminds me of Maple Story. I wonder how many get this... probably just me.

(2) I'm not making any progress on the email. I was thinking of waiting for pictures from Humaici to make the email more purposeful, but it's late already.

(3) Dr. Hussein always say "Love never fail" and its equivalent المحبة لا تسقط أبداً. I'm understandably looping The Fray's Love Don't Die. Plus the guitar strum is to die for.

(4) I'm used to running out at 6.50 to make it on time for the 7am class. Here in Kelantan, people don't run on the street. And there's no 7am class for me here. Those two facts make me.. a complete sloth.

Email

Oh hi. Hello. I'm supposed to be writing a subtle but formal email while Egypt is still sleeping and as expected I'm stressed about it so here I am writing crap. Let me tell you why.

Last night I slept on the couch and woke up remembering a vivid dream. I was in my last day in Egypt, packing my room and at the same time making time for one last PERU*ATAN program. It was a UBM-laced program, which was absurd as I will never be caught dead attending such an abomination.

You know what, such a setting was so impossible I guess it does mean the whole dream was absurd and I should scrap this subtle-but-formal-email plan. But anyway, let's proceed.

So on my way there with a girl friend, we met Dr. Hussein. He was wearing a red polo, sort of worn down, and he greeted us with a smile. My friend and I salam-ed him like kids would their father. However, what surprised me was that his wild hair was gone. He had a haircut. And he said he was going to the same program to give out the cert.

My friend and I continued our journey to the program where we got to our seat and I saw at a corner of the stage was Dr. Fathy Khodair in his academic robe. That was a misery and then I timely woke up.

So that was the dream. Let's break it down.

(1) The fact I dreamed about Dr. Hussein probably points to me missing him, which I will not deny.

(2) He was otw to a program to give out cert. Why is this playing in my dream? I swear I am not peachy over him absent from our graduation. I understand his position and he told me in advance about it!

(3) He had a haircut. Now this is worrisome. He likes his wild hair. Dr. Shen told us that during running for the deanship, people told Dr. Hussein they would not vote for him unless he get rid of his hair. And to that, his response was "then don't vote for me, I'm keeping my hair", as expected from a man of principle.

And as it is, there's a celebration of the preceeding administration team going on at the faculty this 14th. When I first saw the email, I was amused. You don't trust a regime, they're never sincere. What's the catch, I wondered. And I wondered how Dr. Hussein is holding up.

And so that's why I think now is the right time to write Dr. Hussein the email I told him I will write. Which is easier said than done. I'm not even sure to open with a "Dearest sir" or a "Dearest Dr. Hussein".

"But I'll get it done."

P/s: I went to see him on my last day in Egypt and I owe a blog post about it.

See you when I see you

I went to the morning class late today and five minutes into it, my eyes teared. I didn't get to greet and I left to see if the ri3ayah syabab was open but it wasn't and turning around, I saw sir walking with the girl who had been discussing with him since lecture dismissal and I blurted out saying,

"I don't want to catch up with him."

I stopped walking and turned around. "Okay. Let's not catch up with him."

I still needed to go to the bookstore for the book I deposited for and to send in my academic robe so I went to sit down by the pavement and just... observed Dr. Hussein as he stopped at the edge of Hall A as people approached him for handshakes and greetings and continued discussing by the road.

At this point, I didn't know exactly what I wanted. I want to say hi and wish him a good day but those are things I want to do, not what I really want.

Haha... Let's not complicate matters. Just do it or don't.

---

The thought of leaving is making me cry so I decided to reevaluate how I see it. And as I walked back, this was what I came up with.

I'm just going back to Malaysia for a period of time until we meet again. Live long, stay healthy and safe. Take care, fi hifzillah, and see you again.

Haru Mitsui, MBBCh

Today was the graduation ceremony. This morning before the rehearsal; prova as we call it, I went to Dr. Hussein's class and after lecture was dismissed for clinical to commence, he noticed me and directly asked about the result that came out yesterday.

He wasn't happy at all that none of us got Mumtaz for Surgery, voiced verbally and expressed facially. It was quite unnerving to be at the receiving end of it. He asked what happened and all I could do was sheepishly apologise and tell him my hope that the next batch will do better.

---

"The graduation is this evening, right? I might not be able to make it, fa don't be upset. Please send my apology to the students."

"Oh."

His words that followed was drowned by that realisation, but I quickly regained my smile. "Okay. It's okay sir." I sort of understood why and sort of knew this would come.

"I know I'm supposed to give a speech but I have.. ya3ni.. I have my own reasons."

"Haha don't worry sir. I understand. I'll tell the others you send them your apology."

"I will send a formal apology baa to the committee-"

---

"All of you are going back on 13th?"

"No, some of us are going back on the 2nd. I'm included."

"2nd! 2nd is too soon.."

"Yes, it's on Monday."

"Monday.. Ah yes, 1st is a Sunday. Do you have my email?"

"No, I don't."

"Here, take it. H-" I quickly took out whatever piece of paper I could grab from my bag and handed it to him. "Let me write it down."

Dr. Hussein offering me his email... I would die happy.

---

I met sir half an hour later because I couldn't find the mood to pass him the souvenir I got him from Dahab when I first met him. I met him with Dijah, Qoh, Su Badr and Nadie and we caught him in front of the north entrance chatting with Dr. Amina Borhamy and another doctor.

We hugged Dr. Amina who congratulated us. I listened in as he chatted with Dijah and before we all parted, he told them what he told me earlier.

"I might not make it-"

"No don't say that," Dr. Amina cut him. "You have to come."

Yeah sir, it's not something anyone would like to hear... but I do think it's better to know he's not coming so to prepare emotionally rather than anticipate his attendance only to feel stood up.

---

"I went to Sinai and Dahab the last three days with my parents, and this is something we got for you."

"Thank you."

I grinned.

"Merci, merci, merci.." The face was unreadable.

---

We were leaving for the prova, he needed to go to his clinical class. As he turned around, with my souvenir in his hand, he said

"Enjoy this moment. Because it's not coming back. So enjoy it." With his usual awkward nod.

"Okay sir."

I turned around to hide my teary eyes and walked away with my friends. "Kenapa doktor kata "not coming back"?"

Qoh half-hugged me. I was crying. Why did he say that? What's not coming back? Where is he going?

"Doktor cakap "not coming back". Kenapa dia kena cakap macam tu?"

---

I came early and observed his seat on the stage was labelled with his name. I observed each and every one of the VIP during their procession and when it ended, he was nowhere in sight and his seat was occupied by someone else.

Yeah, he's not coming. Thank you for telling me in advance, I would have threw a fit if I realise we were stood up. I sobered myself up and decided this ceremony will be emotionally handled as stoic formal. This is all business; a curt smile, a sharp bow, receive my scroll and off I go do whatever I want.

Haru's mantra that night was "Fa don't be upset".

---

Dr. Hussein was absent, Dr. Amina was absent. Dr. Heba went four times to claim the tokens of appreciation across the stage before finally claiming her own.

It felt like Dr. Heba was working extra effort to cover up for them.

---

Greeted Dr. Shen immediately after dismissal. "Dr. Ahmed!" Wide grin.

"Ya Hana," he grinned back. My grin got wider baa hahaha.

We exchanged words and I told him I hope to see him at the department, and he said he'd be waiting for us at the department this Monday.

Iskun asked me to take a picture of him with Dr. Shen. After that, I turned to sir and asked if I could take a picture with him.

"Of course!"

But Melle was too far away and so I asked Iskun to take a picture for me using his phone. I stood on his right and just as Iskun readied to snap the picture... ZIZOU CAME RUNNING AND STOOD ON HIS LEFT.

Sibukkk -_-

But we proceeded because I pity Zizou was so happy hyper to stand beside Dr. Shen and Zizou is a good friend who helped me a lot through domestic challenges, like handling leaking cooking gas tank to going to police offices for my fire report. I could also use this to bully him in the future.

Iskun gestured for me to stand closer to Dr. Shen, but I know Dr. Shen is careful on things like this, so I carefully watched my space between us.

---

My dad asked what did I understand from his vague reasoning. I told dad that "Dr. Hussein is kind of like you. Silently protesting."

As his student, I respect his every decisions.