The Masochist S23 E09

Earlier this morning I found this historical tragedy manga called Wolf something. It revolves around a tyrant-controlled checkpoint pass and how the resistance tried to cross the border for many reasons but the shrewd tyrant figured them out and they were subsequently executed.

The art was good, the plot was even better and a proven tragedy that I couldn't proceed to read it past the tenth chapter. The title didn't stuck though because I've only read it in one sitting and I'm bad with Japanese title. Took me a whole fortnight to memorize Shiga Futari O Wakatsu Made.

That was in the morning. Just now I was having my breakfast (it's lunch hour but it's my first meal, so call it whatever you want) and suddenly some of the scenes flashed through my mind.

It's good that gory scenes doesn't get in the way of my meals but it was really troubling to think I was at ease and suddenly my mind chose to playback people humiliated and prosecuted. I cursed this troubled mind. No wonder I couldn't sleep well.

Logically speaking, for a normal better fulfilling life, treatment should start by stopping provocations. But I can see the downfall of it already, haha..

bear trap

today i was hanging out with gehad waiting for the lecture to start

"first row?"

"gotta sit at the first. i have bad eyesight, need to get a new prescription."

and another egyptian colleague came into the hall. she smiled at me.

"your name is syaimaa, right?"

"no she's hana," gehad answered for me.

"i always confuse you and syaimaa. but it was you who presented jaundice with doctor hanaa, right?"

i made a confused face. was it internal medicine seminar? i believe syaimaa presented acute chest pain and i presented fever of unknown origin, but during both there was no egyptian colleague in attendance.

"during paediatric," she added.

oh yeah i summed up last year's jaundice class up front. my jaw literally dropped when the doctor handed me LE200 because "you are very brave. if i was a foreigner, i wouldn't want to come up front in front of other locals."

"yes it was me." and then i realized. "wow you actually remember."

"yes. it was a very good presentation."

"haha." flattery. let's see where this leads us.

"why didn't you attend dr. hussein khairy's morning classes, hana?"

damn a trap. so this is what this is all about. confidently i told her "i have difficulty waking up in the morning."

half truth, maybe. this two days i was awake with ample time to get ready for the 7am class but yeah. this morning i told myself we're taking baby steps; remain awake today and tomorrow we will actually get up. looks like i really have to get up tomorrow... i mean in a few hours.

"you should attend his class. in my opinion it is more beneficial than the (general) surgery class at 10am."

"i intend to do so but yeah.." okay shut up with the excuses.

i asked for her name then. it was heejan, meaning a lady of honourable origin. will say hi to her at dr. hussein's morning class.

edited 18 february 2015

---

gehad was rapidly memorizing her surgery textbook and suddenly she stopped and turned to me.

"imtihan a'rob."

dude don't scare me. why are you scaring me, dude? what did i do? okay so i was fooling around but no need to scare me, gehad.

we're returning this mascot to upfront this blog.

"I distribute my books for free in Egypt, but outside Egypt the publisher is crying. They are selling it for 129 dollars."

"We will start our class at 12pm sharp. If you arrive early you may have extra time for taking the history. Those who arrive after 12.10 will be considered absent, he may attend the class but his attendance will not be taken.

I will not teach history-taking because you are supposed to know how to take a history. Unless you make a fatal mistake.

My words are non-negotiable. I am pro democracy."

You just have to laugh at that last statement. Today's class was a ward round, and so every Tuesday's. Dr. Raafat Afifi divided us over five beds and afterwards we rotate all beds with presentation of history, examination of the patient and discussion of the case. We had a pilonidal sinus, mass in right iliac fossa, diffuse goiter, breast mass and the last was an incisional hernia.

The class was basically an enlightenment of my basics. His insistence on everything basic was rightfully intimidating, something we always overlook. Elbow parallel to palpating surface, definition of every anatomical landmarks. To be confident with every single examining skills we have that has become our routine.

"You have to do it the proper way. Some people say it is okay to do things whatever way as long as they get the correct result. This is bullshit."

But the most precious was the doctor's etiquette with the patients. He was very polite with the patients when he addressed them respectfully with a humble tone, asking them to do dynamic tests politely and his proper professional exposure of the patient and fully covering them when we weren't examining.

You can practically see the patients' eyes glittering with respect for him.

"You have to know something, or everything about everything. It may seems insignificant, but at the end of the day it is going to be helpful to your work."

Really, about everything including carpentry, taxation, and mathematics, among other notable references made today. Let's not forget about political management, pet control in a hospital and his disciplined way. Despite never making a direct statement, his political inclination was pretty obvious.

"When you show interest and knowledge in the patient's work and some other aspect of his life, you will build a bond with your patient and he will trust you. When he trusts you, he will listen to your advices and recommendations. Compliance will be built. Even when a complication occurs after your management, the patient will still be okay with you because he trust you.

If you are snobby, you are inviting trouble. Patients are waiting for you to make a mistake to cause trouble for you."

Dr. Raafat is classic. He is the type to ask for normal values in an exam and, the one who will catch you off-guard by asking how do you get the mid-clavicular line.

His is one signature I am going to get ★v★

You can sleep in scrubs

Stood patiently in front of the doctor in-charge of ER tonight as she talked to the patients. The rest of the staffs were already aware of our presence and Ammu Saeed the attendance welcomed us aboard, but it is respectful to ask for permission formally to the busiest person in the ER.

She looked up after a while and stared directly at me.

"Yes doctor how are you, are you joining us tonight?" In Arabic without missing a beat.

I did a take behind my shoulder, perhaps there was a real doctor standing behind me. There was none. She really was talking to me. "Yes, with your permission."

Did I look that convincing? If only the attire makes the person...

Once upon a time there was only one Medteam in Cairo

Today I accompanied (supposedly as a facilitator) Syaimaa' presenting Emergency Management for Medteam Azhar's Junior SGD. We arrived at Hadiqah Dawli around 5 just in time to observe the last part of the first slot; First Aid Revision by a friend from our batch. It had been a long time since I met these people but if I remember correctly he once introduced himself as Shahril. He also set up the laptop when I presented BSS for dummies.

I stood watching but the presenter kept looking at me rather sheepishly as he explained how to manage soft tissue injury. I think I made him uncomfortable, so I sat down on the grass and listened to him like everyone else.

They were moving on to the practical part. The PIC came and briefed Syaimaa' and I on her slot up next. The presenter and two other guys came and grinned at us.

"Hana, if we messed up with the triangular bandage let us know. We know nothing."

"Yeah we're only good at wrapping bandage and Transportation."

I grinned back. They went to the front and started the practical session. I turned to a laughing Syaimaa'.

"What's that all about? Why did they say that to me?"

"You presented to them the practical part of First Aid last year or so, remember? I gave the earlier management part. You conducted the practical session."

"Oooooh. Yes I remember." Lulz, so they considered me their teacher or something? That time I was filling in last minute for Kak Ulya. "What are their names again?"

"The presenter is Shahril. The one with sweater is Akram. I don't know the third."

"It's Firdaus." I know him, he appeared to me as the lesser mangkuk among the mangkuks in Azhar, hahaha. (In case you couldn't tell, my tone is affectionate.)

So those cool people are still around. And we were all equals, so why did they ask for a presenter from another university with a 75-minute-one-way travel time? Even Ain Shams called for me and another of our Cairo colleague for two separate sessions last week.

We missed Dr. Salah Shaheen's second half of today's lecture to make it for the SGD, but seeing those people again was fun. Even got a moment to boss Saeed around, oh man I missed Jabatan Liputan.

I'd do it again. Maybe without the skipping-half-a-class part.

Better than some ustat

Bro A: Where are you from?
Date: Malaysia.
Bro A: Oh. Have you found the plane?
Me: Yeah. In the Indian Ocean.. So you're from China? Where in China is it?

Bro B: Where do you guys live?
Date: Abbasiyyah.
Me: Sayyeda Zainab.
Bro B: What?! Sayyeda Zainab?! Dangerous! Egypt is not safe with the demonstratioms and all. It's far from here, why are you here? Next time don't come to this restaurant anymore!
Me: Whyyyy? (Cmon this is my first time here and I'm no longer welcomed?)
Bro A: The Egyptians are not good people nowadays.

Bro A: Do you study in Al-Azhar?
Date: Nope, in Ain Shams.
Me: I study in Kasr el Ainy, Cairo U.
Bro A: Medicine?
Me: Yeah.
Bro A: I'm studying at Cairo U too.
Me: What are you taking?
Bro A: Kuliah adab.
Me: Oh.
Bro A: Did you have class today in the morning?
Me: Yeah we did. Why?
Bro A: We didn't. There was a huge demonstration at the main campus today.
Me: But I'm sure our medical faculty was still in order this morning..
Bro A: Really?

Bro B: Did you come from Sayyeda by the Metro?
Me: Yes.
Bro A: It's dangerous... (They both discussed in Chinese pretty seriously.)
Me: But I'm staying at her place in Abbasiyyah, should be okay.
Bro B: Oh okay.

Bro A: Where in Abbasiyyah do you live? We live there, let us take you back.
Date: No no no it's okay.
Bro B: Don't worry! We are good people. Consider us your fathers.
Me: Gahahaha. Seriously, it's okay.
Bro A: Wait we want to pray Maghrib first.
Me: Okay bye thanks for the meal. Run!

Professional courtesy

Prioritize your detailing.
You don't have to tell everything.
Highlight.
Don't cram too much info.
At the end of the day, knowledge presented isn't going to stick much, so stress properly on the take-home message.
Professional courtesy, near midnight on the 25th

Last year I put together the presentation for Medical Ethics and presented it twice to our beloved comrades. This year, despite the supposedly hereditary nature of presenter appointment, they ask me again to deliver it to our younger colleagues.

The presentation is scheduled the day after tomorrow. With such an impressive deadline, even I as the original presenter feel pissed. Whoever else that is going to present in my stead is bound to consult me anyway, so might as well save myself the trouble of answering avoidable phone calls.

As it is with our daily muhasabah, presenting a knowledge also dictates revising and updating. I need to revise whether last year's ILO still stands or is it too much and too heavy for mere medical students. I need to update with the sources whether the information I put together is still valid this time around.

And as superficial as it sounds, I still have myself to take care of. I have classes to attend, places to go and plans to entertain. I have my study to review. And I need my sleep otherwise I suffer the effect of poor growth hormone secretion and risk homicidal ideation. Don't mess with final year students dammit.

This is why it is unacceptable to assign someone a 2-days notice assignment.

You're lucky I am bad at saying no and I have no class at that particular showtime. I'm lucky I have a blog to vent and people helping me brainstorm via 30-minute midnight phone call. (I owe you call credit. Thanks bro.)

Cheer up, little cat

When you're sad, you cannot complain. Saying out loud or tweet that you're sad is just stating the fact. You're acknowledging that you're sad, and then what? Nothing is going to change if you're just going to mope and feel sorry for yourself.

Nobody cares, why should they? No one ain't saving you, buddy. Every minute you wallow in self-pity is another feet deeper you're falling. Don't want to die? Then. Get. The. Hell. Up. Do something. Need a hug? Ask. Hungry? There's dinner and doughnut in the pantry. Don't want nothing? Read the Quran or sleep.

Feeling inadequate? Don't make me laugh, why the hell are you even here? Go improve yourself la! Why are you so sissy!?

Save yourself, buddy. Nobody's there, it's just you and me who don't care.

In which the schoolgirl goes "Kyaaaa~♥"

Our lecturer today was a bespectacled well-groomed gentleman in his fifties. Trimmed greying hair, tailored dark greyish brown suit in white striped shirt and soft grey tiled ties that looked pricey. His shoes were Oxford in mustard, a colour choice that surprised me in a good way.

I liked his ties. I liked his ties very much. It always makes me happy when our doctor wears nice ties, it seemed like someone was looking after his appearance. The dean came into our hall midway through the lecture to greet Dr Mohamed Khattab (he had his own lecture in the hall below) and the difference in their appearance was so stark I wanted to cry. He's a very kind good dedicated man, please God send someone to look after him!

Ogling aside, sitting in the front row got me targeted a few times to answer during lecture. It was quite unnerving to have the doctor staring right into you but all was well because he only asked about the things that was Dyslipidemia today. Oh, and he had kind grey eyes.

The lecture ended and as a sign of respect, I waited for the doctor to walk pass before exiting the hall. I stood up and thanked him with my best smile as he passed by my bench.

"You're welcome," he smiled kindly. "What's your name?"

The doctor asking for my name! Maybe he noticed my excitement during class, haha.

"It's Hana*." My grin grew bigger, the Chesire cat would be so proud.

"Hana*? Meaning old?" He made reference to the Kaaba nicknamed Baitul Atiq in the Quran.

Yeah.. but I wouldn't buy that one. I personally believe Hana* means independent and liberating. My parents named me believing it meant honorable. My naqibah yesterday shared with us another meaning, so I told him that.

"Unique."

"Hana* means old, valuable, of precious value."

And I was... No one ever made that comment. I blinked my surprise away and smiled softly to convey my gratitude. "Thank you doctor."

Second crush of the year! ♥v♥ I will be a great doctor and make you proud!

Literally homesick

Right now, I'm missing my home in Lundang. It's easier to wake up there no matter what time I sleep at night. Dad could just open the door allowing the hallway light to come in and I'm up. He used to wake me up by doing that and switching the fan off during school days. Mom could come complaining and I'm up. Maru could come yelling and jumping on me and I'm up. Annoyed but up. Being woken up by Maru is the only time he annoys me that didn't end him being chased around the house.

I can't wake up on my own. That's the number one reason why I will never survive living alone. The very few times that I wake up on my own is an amusement to the people around me and a personal achievement for me, marking an awesome day.

I think it's because I think too much. I hate reading before bed, it makes my mind churn even faster than when I do other things. Studying before bed was even worse.

Speaking of home, because it's hard to fall asleep, you should know that I end up sleeping anywhere I drop dead at. Back in the school days I have my own room but sometimes I sleep on the main living room couch. Truthfully I like the couch better, but one can only tolerate so much back pain. I don't move around when I sleep so I never make a mess or fall off the couch.

After I enrolled to a medical school, we renovated our house and my room was at the second floor. When I went back for the holidays, it was too much hassle to walk up to my new room so I ended sleeping on the floor of the family hall or sometimes on the couch there, the former being the most preferred. It was amazing how I survived the night without a pillow nor a blanket nor mosquitoes repellent, haha.

My parents complained a lot, dad being the most troubled seeing the inappropriate eldest daughter sprawled on the floor when there was a total of five empty beds in the whole house. When I said my room was too far, mom laid out a futon for me on the floor of Melle's room, which is closest to the family hall. Sometimes I sleep there, other times I'll stay up the whole night and takeover Melle's bed after she wakes up. But I still sleep on the floor of the family hall. I like the floor; back pain and all. They say love has no logic to it.

Last summer mom finally completed the furnishing of my old room and so they finally got rid of waking up to a corpse on the floor in the middle of the hall, haha. My frequency of sleeping on the floor decreased to once every fortnight.

Haikei

"But if the me then seems to fail us, please rely on me to overcome it. And maybe if I can't overcome it, we can overcome it together, so please rely on me."

All this time I thought relying means putting the burden on another person, and by that I could get away indulging in my own inability of whatever etiology. That's why I would only rely on someone whose reliability is legendary by my standard, whom I know could and would help.

And since such person is so limited, I end up not relying on anyone most of the time, because I've had enough handling myself heartbroken over a relied person's failing me.

I didn't know there's the next "and maybe if I can't overcome it, we can overcome it together" part. I forgot instead of doing it in my stead, the relied person could simply be my anchor, my support. Just don't lose hope. Don't withdraw yourself, don't be a one-man unit. "So please rely on me."

Really, this is divine revelation. I need to revise my life principle. I was too thick perhaps to process something an elementary student already know.

Picture credit to Andres Amador.

"You are free to rely on him. Be assured that you can rely on him."

EDITED:

Or perhaps this only applies to highly personally reputable person like your dad or your so-called life partner. Who else is going to insist on the "so please rely on me" part? By right this is applicable to work but nowadays, trusting others with your back is getting more and more difficult.

Gaah. The hell is wrong with my reading materials, stupid shoujo.

Reminds me of that time I missed my plane back to Kota Bharu. My initial plan was to take the public transport to the airport myself because it was a work day and I shouldn't bother my relatives like that. But my aunts insisted to send me off after their work. I foresaw the consequences already, but huh, how do you tell your elders who took it upon themselves as your host throughout your stay that you don't need their help?

Cutting the story short, I missed my flight. Had to fork out a couple hundreds for the next flight home. It was a stab wound to my pride and heart and all I thought as I waited at the airport alone was "I'd never rely on others when it comes to situation like this". But when I called my aunt to tell her what happened (just a short "I missed my flight but I've bought the next ticket so yeah.") she told me to not give up on relying on them just because of that incidence.

Hmm. Anyway, I learnt my lesson, really. When it comes to reputable time-abiding transportation, I'd rather be early and wait than on the road with palpitations or worst.

Kepercayaan Kunci Kualiti Kerja mediaPERUBATAN - Radin

Dedikasi buat Saeed Zubair bin Zahari wartawan lagenda kebanggaan Jabatan Liputan khususnya serta krew yang tidak berkesempatan hadir pada Gathering Krew LeGEN07.

Dengan musim kembalinya para graduan perubatan kelas 2012/13 Universiti Kaherah ke medan bakti Malaysia, krew mediaPERUBATAN tidak melepaskan peluang untuk mengadakan perkumpulan terakhir bersama para senior yang menggerakkan mediaPERUBATAN seawal zaman tatihnya. Perkumpulan yang dinamakan Gathering Krew LeGEN07 telah berlangsung hampir dua jam pada petang Rabu 5 Mac 2014 di Markas PERUBATAN Abou Rish dengan kehadiran 10 orang lagenda yang diraikan dan kira-kira 20 krew mediaPERUBATAN dari Universiti Kaherah, Ain Shams dan juga Al-Azhar.

Majlis santai dipengerusikan webmaster agung serta ikon mediaPERUBATAN, Saudara Muhammad Hafizuddin bin Mamat Azlan yang mesra dengan panggilan Dinmat telah bermula dengan sesi pengenalan dan perkongsian pengalaman ringkas oleh lagenda mediaPERUBATAN yang berkesempatan hadir, rata-rata merupakan ketua jabatan zaman awal Jabatan Penerangan dan Penerbitan (BPP) yang mengemaskini batu asas bagi gerak kerja mediaPERUBATAN semasa. Mereka tersebut adalah:

Mohamad Safwan "Pemenang" bin Roslan, perintis bidang kewartawanan PERUBATAN dan Ketua Unit Berita 2007-2009;

Asyraf "Jack" bin Zuki, webmaster PERUBATAN Online dan perintis coding dalam kalangan PERUBATAN;

Mohd Ihsan bin Hamdan, Ketua PharmaComic 2008-2011; 

Abdul Adzim bin Mohd Yusoff, Ketua Jabatan Jurnalis 2009-2011;

Mohd Najib bin Mustaffha, Ketua Unit Edaran Tibbians 2009-2011 dan Unit R&D 2011/12;

Mohd Fais bin Mohd Azli, Ketua Jabatan Liputan 2011/12;

Mohd Hazwan "Hazu" bin Mohd Salleh, Ketua Jabatan Grafik 2011/12;

Radin Rahmah binti Radin Monawir, AJKT BPP 2008/09/10 yang setia menasihati mediaPERUBATAN 

pada tahun-tahun mendatang;

Noor Asyila binti Ismail, Setiausaha BPP 2008/09/10 dan penggerak Unit Hebahan sesinya;

Sharifah Syahirah binti T Syed Manso, Timbalan Ketua Unit Grafik 2008/09/10 juga penerima pertama Anugerah Kualiti PERUBATAN kategori BPP Akhawat.

Turut menjadi tumpuan adalah bekas AJKT BPP yang turut hadir, Nur Humairah binti Che Ibrahim sesi 2011/12 dan Nur Hanisah binti Naspu sesi 2012/13, AJKT PERUBATAN Cawangan Kaherah sesi 2013/14 Afiq Zulhimi "Boq" bin Zairudin serta AJKT PERUBATAN Cawangan Kaherah sesi 2014/15 yang baru dinaikkan Aimi Asrina binti Noh.

Ucapan kemuncak telah disampaikan Saudari Radin yang menekankan kekuatan mediaPERUBATAN adalah pada para krewnya yang proaktif dan saling membantu serta menyokong satu sama lain. Saudari Radin berkongsi bagaimana beliau pertama kali menangis semasa bertugas dengan BPP adalah ketika reka posternya yang pertama telah dikritik tajam oleh ahli PERUBATAN dari Mansurah. Beliau pada ketika itu hanya mengetahui tentang perkara tersebut setelah ditunjukkan thread kritikan tersebut dimana hasil kerjanya telah dipertahan oleh antaranya Saudara Dinmat dan AJKT Biro Sukan dan Aktiviti Luar ketika itu, Saudara Muhammad Nazrul Syazwan bin Kamarul Arifin yang kini sudah bergelar doktor.

"Saya menangis bukan sebab dikritik tetapi sebab terharu."

Beliau turut memuji persekitaran kerja mediaPERUBATAN yang mana ahli bawahan sentiasa dijaga dan disokong oleh AJKT dan ketua masing-masing. Kepercayaan ini membolehkan krew bebas belajar ilmu baru dan bekerja dengan selesa dalam konteks tertentu kerana disokong oleh pihak atasan masing-masing. Saudari Radin percaya bahawa kepercayaan yang diberikan sesama warga mediaPERUBATAN merupakan kunci kualiti kerja dan kerjasama erat krew mediaPERUBATAN.

Pesanan terakhirnya buat krew mediaPERUBATAN khususnya mereka yang masih aktif dalam penglibatan, "Jaga ukhuwah. Jaga 'bridging the community' moto kita. Teruskan memberikan penerangan yang baik dalam kerja berpasukan kita dan kepada masyarakat.

Terus proaktif dalam cubaan yang datang dengan birokrasi PERUBATAN hari ini. Saya tidak menyuruh untuk memberontak, tetapi warga mediaPERUBATAN mesti mempunyai jati diri."

Diharapkan pertemuan yang ringkas tersebut dapat menjernihkan niat penglibatan dalam mediaPERUBATAN para krew sekalian serta menjadi batu loncatan untuk semangat yang ada. Selain daripada kemahiran yang digarap dan diasah, hubungan yang terbina diharap terus dikekalkan dalam medium perkongsian ilmu dan pembaikan kualiti kerja kita bersama.

"Once a crew, always a crew."

Dari kiri belakang: Amirul Zuhri, SU dan Jabatan Hebahan 11/12; Najib; Dinmat; Fais; Saifullah, wartawan dan penemuramah rasmi 2008-14, Amir Ashmunir, jurugambar dan Jabatan Liputan Pusat 2012-14; Ihsan; Afif Dimyati, Jabatan Grafik 11/12; Boq; Wawan, videographer 2009-14 dan Jabatan Audiovisual; Ahmad Zahari, wartawan dan Jabatan Liputan PCK 14/15; Adzim; Jack; Hazu; Safwan.

Amarlina, kartunis dan Jabatan PharmaComic 11/12; Ain Nabila, Jabatan Liputan Pusat 2012-14; Ruqayyah, Jabatan Grafik; Ainatul Mardhiah, kartunis.... Dah penat.

Bloopers:

For the son I may not even have

Today we took Child Psychiatry in class. The class made me remember the mischief I got into when I was in primary school. Too cocky, seriously I was hyperinflated with confidence especially since I had the brain, guts and worst was made prefect since I was nine. My overcompetetiveness then was a little unguided and nowadays I have to lead my life being nice to people and super nice to some to make up for my childhood trouble-making.

I don't think my parents knew what I did then, and any kids of mine is going to have my gene in them thus some part of my personality. I need to keep the best watchful eye I can and always monitor and guide their progress.

It was very worrisome. I worry for my unborn child as to how I'm going to be around to raise him with the career I'm planning. Flashes of him went through my mind with every symptoms and disorders Dr. Azza El Bakry taught us. I worry he would turn out less than the best he could because his parents (me! me!) weren't paying attention.

I don't want that!

Post class, I talked to one of my married friends about what I want and what was plaguing my mind. As a human, it is only natural that I want a child (I want two at least, so they'll always have each other) and my ego and logic that makes me Hana dictate that I be the one to raise them up and be significantly around especially until they make high school.

My ego and logic also dictate that I pursue my career because I know damn well I can do this, my brain is not all fat cells, I can be the sub-specialist I want to be.

They say a single person thinks differently than that of a married person with her own family, but whatever comes, family should make you the best you are and not hold you back. I really sounded unattached, right? Abang Warouq could be reading this and sneering at me. Hi Bawarouq.

Notice how this is all about me, but that is not what a marriage is all about. I am ready to be a good doctor and probably a good mom, but not yet as a good wife much less a good family-member-in-law. If I enter a marriage with just this in mind and my parents are still supporting me, it's highly liable to be unfair to my partner and treat him as a mere sperm donor. We could be easily divorced once I get what I want.

I concluded to her that I can't get married until I can develop a better logical reasoning for a marriage to exist that will suit the want I mentioned. It was a pretty intense discussion, I was somewhat amiably raising my voice at her. She told me that I should discuss this with my partner-

"So I should find a person first then think of marriage? Can't it be the other way around?"

Actually I kind of have the obscurest silhouette of a person in mind, but my reasoning is too feeble to ask for anyone's hand in marriage. I'm not even sure I am motivated enough to commit with all the issues per se. If I do anything in this state and going at this rate, I am no better than a cat in heat.

Haru's note: But Atiqah, you're a difficult human. Maybe it is relevant to a secure an awesome person who'll willingly put up with you and for you to behave for first before we breach the topic of passing gene to the next generation.

-and ended up praying that I'd get the perfect match. She told me to decide on my reasoning myself.

"But then what's the point of having you around? You're married, you should be listing reasons people get married for me and I'll tick off which one suits me."

"No way you have to figure it out yourself!"

"Useless!" I laughed. Really, isn't it the function of married people to help clueless people like me on what marriage is about? Hahahah.

Anyway. I may decide to abort this whole fiasco. If I can't do anything about it, might as well not think about it. I should do something more productive, like work on my two presentations for the 4th and another one on the 5th.

Abah

When I was in high school, I wanted in the future to marry someone who calls his dad "abah" because I wanted to call someone abah.

Six years later. My naqibah usrah got married and we refer to her husband as abah. Kak Elli introduced me to her parents and her dad is called abah. Kak Milah also did the same and her dad is also called abah. I refer to Daus's dad as abah and even call Kemal Aboh.

Five abahs! Mission accomplished. Who says marriage solves everything? Bwahaha.