Should a two years old S3 degenerate already?

Yesterday, I went shopping with mom dad Melle and Maru and upon leaving the mall, I bumped into an acquaintance who studied in Jordan. We chatted for a bit and I excused myself. I couldn't find my family so I went out and scanned the street for them. Waited in front of a cafe and started dialling dad's number, as usual typing it from memory.

Dad didn't pick up. I called again and again. Nobody picked up. I was getting anxious. Why was nobody picking up? Did something happened? Did they got mugged? It wasn't an accident, right?

A stubbly Caucasian gentleman in a grey suit asked me what was the matter and I told him my anxiety. I kept typing the number and in my distress, I fumbled with the last six digits. Eh? What was dad's number again? Why was this stupid thing lagging at this moment?

So I wake up and reached for my phone to open WhatsApp. The numbers kept replaying in my mind and that was when I realise the last number I was frantically typing in that idiotic dream was my own Celcom number. Idiot squared.

It took a while for the damned app to open and finally I got through our family chat group. Calmly I typed in "How is everyone today?".

---

In another unrelated news, taking up medicine is undeniably fun but stupid at the same time.

It's called adopting a pet for a reason

An advertisement came up on my FB feed of a Malay student looking for a certain breed of long-haired cat possibly to buy as his personal pet and I automatically thought, this is the same kind of guy who will sell off his cat(s) by the beginning of summer or as his graduation encroaches.

Sceptical, I know. But I've seen enough people buying cats for pet during their study and selling them off or giving them away once they have to leave Egypt. It makes me wonder what exactly are pets to them.

I like pets and I am serious about them. For me they are as big of a commitment as getting married or having a kid. Once you adopt a pet, it is for life. You cannot give it up just because you are inconvenient. If perhaps you're the type to easily get a divorce or give up your kid for adoption, then I'm not going to argue with a weak-willed scum.

Personally I am not against buying a luxury breed and I think they're super cute and worth it. My personal like are the Russian Blue and what's Maru, Roku and Meredith's breed again? The one with those aerodynamic ears. (Goodness, nominal aphasia.) But anyway. In medicine we are taught to save lives first, so in this case, I'd save a stray if I can help it.

I had pets but unfortunately they all died on me. My friends call me the serial pet killer and I laugh at it though it hurts. I still remember the day Yuuno, Jebat and Mahsuri died. They were turtles by the way. I had Yuuno when I was 18 and Jebat and Mahsuri when I was 20. Before Kak Bid gave me Jebat and Mahsuri, Kak Syafaf gave me a pair of fishes I named Naj*b and Rosm*h. They amused me despite their short lives.

Our current pet is this caterpillar we found in the cabbage yesterday that my housemate refused to kill. So I set up a tray by the kitchen sink for the green grub and let it to eat the green cabbage leaf in peace. I call it Tumour. (I swear it is a rapidly growing grub).

Idiots of the same feather never behave, hahah

You know I don't fancy waiting for people, right. So Iema and I decided to sneak out without a chaperon but we stalled at the main gate, just in case we could grab a guy to walk us home now. I was fidgeting like mad to move when a batchmate caught sight of us. He is one of the only two people who actually really scold me for walking around without a chaperon (even Bapis, Sufwun and Jack snided me instead, haha) and I respect him for that.

We made eye contact and I grinned. There was no way we could sneak out now.

"Hah Hana wait." He gave me the I'm-watching-you two fingers gesture like some kind of punk, hahaha.

"Hurry Acap walk us home." I was fidgeting hurry I must move now.

"Waaait. Abul's ready already."

Abul was behind him with a group of girls living in Sayyeda, but they were stalling. My legs were by then doing some weird dance. In my head was a whiny girl throwing a tantrum "Walk us home now Acap we're going in the same direction anyway why wait for Abuuuul" and she was going to manifest anytime sooner, but that was when Bapis showed up carrying a projector.

"Bapis! Let's walk home!"

Bapis looked between us and Acap.

"Send them back la, look Hana's already walking off."

"Yes! Bye Acap!" So I ran off expecting Bapis and Iema to follow me.

Bapis as usual let this monkey lead the way. We chatted as we walk and were turning the corner to Iema's place when she notified us that Acap was behind us. I turned around and there was him walking with Boq just three meters behind us. See I told you we take the same direction!

"Wow JAKSI." JAKSI is the social police in our community in Egypt and Acap is one of them, it suits his eldest brother attitude. The high proportion of chaperon was amusing. "Lucky I didn't try anything indecent hahah."

The most indecent thing I ever did with a chaperon was kicking him twice because he was annoying (hahah), and although I kick my big bro when he deserves it, I'm not sure Bapis will tolerate me if I kick him. He might go super sadist on me.

Iema laughed and we took that corner, but I think they heard me.

---

After we sent Iema off, I asked Bapis on something I overheard them saying.

"What was this prank you said you were playing on me?"

"I asked the guys to come up to you one by one and say "Wah Hana is handsome today-" with a thumb up "but they refused to. Prank failed."

I chortled. The people I am closest to in our BPP family are crazy people and I deal with them all the time, my brain nearly equate BPP as an asylum. It was reassuring to know the majority are still socially sane.

What happened was I was throwing thrash outside after dinner and a few guys were hanging around the area, Ame and Bapis included. As I was leaving Ame called out to me.

"Kak Hana were you wearing lipstick? You look handsome today."

"Hah?" Usually I would return the compliment but Ame was wearing pink when the theme was blue so I scoffed instead.

"We nearly didn't recognize you. White face, red lips."

I laughed. That didn't describe my lip balm at all, he needed to work harder to bait me into giving him my money.

"Yeah, you look pretty today." Bapis said.

"Thanks!" Bapis wore a colour-appropriate checkered shirt layering a white tee and so was someone I could return the compliment to. I grinned and gave a thumb up, sort of like what Gai-sensei would do. "You're handsome too!"

Fat and tired, Bobby is pregnant

I went over to Umair's today and finally had a proper chat with her after a week coming back to Egypt. The first time I saw her after coming back was after our meet with Batnah HOD and all I did was pat her on the back and without a greet or anything, asked for a favour.

I am a genius at friendship. Kah3.

Anyway, going over to her place means I have to pass Bobby on my way up. Part of me was scared she will pounce on me again. I'm not usually this sissy but I somehow have this motherly respect towards her and since I didn't know what I did to piss her off back then, I have to be extra respectful. Back to me on the stairway, what is up with all the circumstiality? I was on my toes all the way on the lookout for her and when I caught a glimpse of her on the very step she once pounced on me, I flinched and took a step back with a small yelp.

She simply stared at me like I was some kind of an idiot. Well, yeah, I am. But I needed to pass her, so I took very small tentative steps nearer with her staring at me warily all the time. At the same landing, she flee.

That's when I saw her full belly. No wonder she didn't pounce on me. Should I reflect upon this? She's younger than me yet she's into her second pregnancy already.

Idiot, Bobby's a cat.

The second point to this post is talking to Umair led to several topics and one of them was how some seniors kept and became even cooler now that they're real doctors. One of the name that came up was Warouq. I didn't think Umair is familiar with Bayep so I left his name out.

But really. We need to graduate and be a cool doctors like them. Pray for us please.

Jack-of-all-trade and master of one or two

Seven years ago, I wanted to be a surgeon. Because I knew I can do it, heh.

Then I realised we had no lawyer in our extended family so in my final year of high school, I decided to read law. Graduating high school, I realised I could do both and decided on being a medical legal advisor.

But then I realised above all I wanted to learn from my dad. He's a consultant neonatologist so I stepped into medical school with that aim in mind. Graduate with MBBCh, take up MD in Paediatric and further subspecialise in Neonatology.

Despite all that, I still preferred surgery. Dad said I could go into paediatric surgery, so I kept that option in mind.

During second year, psychology captivated me. I realised despite my ignorance of my own species, I really enjoy messing with people's head. As a human, that was the one human bond I truly enjoyed; breaking the mind apart, understand them and put them back again. I called mom and told her I wanted to be a psychiatrist.

She told me no. She objected to me working with crazy people. I decided to humour her and dropped the calling.

Third year happened and that changed my life, so to speak. I lost sleep and time to overthinking. I was always on edge and became a fluent liar. I realised the importance of doing what I can with what I have and relying on my most basic of instincts. It made me a person who think 20 steps ahead, always ready to run off, equipped with protocols for any circumstances. To be ready to function in any stripped bare situation.

I also realised I was made for trauma.

During fifth year, I greatly enjoyed paediatric. I liked working around kids and hated their troublesome adults. I've always liked kids and animals better anyway, this is concurrent with my taciturn nature. One day, I finally get the chance to tag with dad at the hospital. At the NICU I realised paediatricians are a bunch of calm people. Too calm for me; I liked pre-planned protocols, making decisions on the run and act. Trauma and intensive medicine suit me better.

I didn't share this thought with my parents besides commenting how calm paediatricians were. But their reply caught me off guard. Dad and mom concurred that I wasn't calm enough for paediatric and they said I function better in an emergency setting.

I took up medicine to learn from you, dad. Wherever I may be, I will always learn from you.

Sixth year and during my Internal Medicine rotation, everything came easily and enjoyable for me, except perhaps Cardiology. Damn thing was, is and will always refuse to be nice to me. And as expected, Emergency and Psychiatry came naturally for me.

Surgery rotation came and I had the time of my life. Hell came when my Emergency Surgery rotation disappointed me and it hit me the worst because it was my favourite of all-

Ah, I'm still sore about this subject. Let's move on.

Study leave made me realise how frequently I had to stop for a very deep thought while studying for Psychiatry. I was fond of the idea of taking up psychiatry and even found myself imaging my future hot-headed daughter yelling at me for unconsciously psychoanalysing her like one of my patients in pure Hanazilla style and I wouldn't be able to blame her.

Hahah.

At this point, this post is unproductive and serves no function other than as a vent for me. Because there's only one thing to do now; study to become a good practitioner and graduate medical school with pride.

I don't know what's in the future for me, for all I know this could be my last post here. Regardless what may become, I know I will proudly do my very best and live happily.

"I talk a lot of sh when I'm drinking" water

Previous post is too serious I need to write something silly so people wouldn't start thinking highly of me. (Conceited?)

I'm currently studying Psychiatry. There's this equation where we calculate a person's IQ that goes mental age divided by chronological age times 100.

The last time I did a mental age quiz, which was a week or so before my apartment caught fire, I got a 46. Which is old, yeah, hi gramma.

So if we put 46 divided by 24 which is how old I am currently, times 100. We get 191 plus.

Normal IQ is 90-110. The range increases by ten to classify as Bright Normal, Superior, Very Superior and ultimately Genius.

Hah. Guess where 191 falls. Hahaha. Mwahahahahahaha!

Dog Days

When it comes to animal, my principles are pretty straightforward. We are all creatures of the one God and we all have our own purposes in life, thus I believe no harm would come if we don't trespass each others boundaries. If a suspicious stranger is in my house, I'll stab him first then question, heh. So I think it is understandable for a grizzly to eat lost people in the woods or for a shark to bite should we come too close.

And as humans, God gave us the privilege as khalifah that entitle us to govern and do good and justice to all living creatures, among other more tedious entitles. We have responsibilities on them because that's one of the reasons of our creation.

Principally, I have no problem with coming near a dog. There are dogs everywhere on the street in Cairo and I walk normally if I see them in my path, but I don't make an effort to pet them like I would a cat. They are strays, their teeth might graze me and I'd rather spare myself the painful rabies shots.

That being said, I also don't make much effort to walk far away from the dogs I encounter. I just make sure they're not within lick distance to me out of the possibility of having to wash myself properly as per decreed, and I doubt I'd find a clean soil here in Cairo.

Come to think of it, I walk farther away from horses and likes than I do dogs because I learned the hard way that a horse's snot has the worst malodorous stench ever.

There are dogs I'm curious of. Kimi the three-legged collie who I helmed as the resident dog of our faculty, I wanted to pet her but again I had doubts about finding clean soil here so I didn't. I simply kept eyes on her.

But I think, if one day she comes near me enough, I'll probably give her a pet on her head and say "Good girl". Let's pray she doesn't lick me then (again, clean soil. I should buy one of those clay soap.)

---

We stay away from things we don't understand and fear and this fear may lead us to our fight or flight mode. Irrational fear leads to hatred that saw the inhumane treatments to the dogs on the street.

So first! There's the understanding of the whole shariah thingy behind interacting with dogs. If you get that, there shouldn't be any problem. Find out what Islamic scholars are saying about the issue of interacting with dogs. As a follower of Imam Syafei, I respect and stick with his views and I don't twist around to follow other imams' view because I don't fully understand the fundamental of their arguments to play around with.

Once you understand shariah and the nature of dogs, you shouldn't be scared of dogs and will treat them accordingly.

---

There's John the normal-legged collie my kid sis keeps in the backyard of our Klang home. Mom has been vocally against it, but I defended John when I saw him for the first time two weeks ago.

I argued that as a lost dog who resides in our gated backyard and can jump out anytime he wants but still choose to hang around, it means he had gave up searching for his owner and had taken a liking to us. It was too late to throw him out now, he will definitely come back. Now it is up to us to be kind to him and make sure he has food, clean water and a shelter from the pelting rain.

Mom was still not happy, but John stayed. And kid sis build him a shelter after I pointed that out so we're all good. That idiot anyhow went and kept some of John's food in the fridge and that made mom angry, but kid sis was on her own on that. Who in their right mind keep human food with animal's food? You don't even mix cooked and raw food in the same setting.

Not very bright that kid sis, I guess I am at fault for being born before her and taking all the smart points, bwahaha. Am I concerned she reads this and storms at me? Nope.

I have concern however whether the whole taking-John-in was shariah-compliant, and I am more concerned of the whole clean soil thing, because I have doubt about my kid sis's stand when it comes to anything shariah. But she told me with a doubtable tone that she wears a glove when dealing with him.

I took her words for it.

Zoning out

My stomach grumbled, so I laid my back on the floor. I thought of the chained lady shoes I bought and how it would go neat with the baju kurung mom was having made for my graduation. I would stand flanked by two of my most important beloved people and kiss my dad. I would probably even introduce them to some of my friends.

Talk about friends and graduation, Acap will graduate earlier than me. I hope he invites me though I have a hunch he'll skip the whole thing, but if I tell him I want to come will he join the ceremony and invite me? It would be fun to introduce my family to him one day but I'm sure they'll find it weird. I mean, I barely know this guy. But I kind of like not knowing anything about him other then he's 26, smokes, likes animal and a good babysitter. I trust him because Kak Elli trusts him and because he likes animals. It says a lot about a person who treats his body badly but likes animals and kids like he does.

Where would they stay? Manial seemed like a good option, I'm sure I'd be able to score an apartment there. It is near the school and I could take them around in the morning before I have to go for clinical sessions, but what about after? Can I trust Egypt to be kind to my family and let them take a cab somewhere without me and stay safe? Should I get Kemal to chaperone them? They know him and I trust him, it'll be fine.

But then I realised I have to study very hard in order to graduate on time. I thought of Nephrology and my notes still in disarray. I need to study everything else and leave Cardiology at the end because it was so tough it held me back plenty times. All in all I needed to study harder and faster.

If I don't pass the exam, I can't go back to Malaysia. In a way I am happy to stay here longer in Egypt, but if I don't graduate then I wouldn't be able to move on to the next phase of life. Regardless of being happy, it's never a good thing to be stuck in a phase. I had the most liberating feeling when I discovered (one of) my crush(es) has a girlfriend.

The mathurat reading was nearing its end. I sat up crossed leg in my earlier position and read what was left out loud with my housemates. Mathurat is a compilation of prayers, so you should read it with as much longing you want. It's not meaningless memorized recitation. Zoning out was wrong. But I was so hungry it was exhausting.

I led the closing prayer.

I should write proper titles instead of saying wishful things like "I should study" but anyhow, the title is "Perhaps psychiatrist kills better than surgeons".

Originally I wanted to start this post by disclaiming that I don't usually rant emotionally but then I remembered more than a handful of posts... so yeah. Moving on.

Hannibal franchise is one of my favourite. I have this thing for brilliant psychopaths and that includes the "high-functioning psychopath" that is Benedict Cumberbatch as Sherlock. I enjoyed Anthony Hopkins and that young easy-on-the-eye dude who played Hannibal in Hannibal Rising. They were brilliant and suave and charming and despite the gore, I cheered for them.

Then Hannibal the series came. Hugh Dancy was on the screen and I shrieked in delight. He has always been my kind of man and this time he was playing sometimes-bespectacled stubbled Will Graham. And I was... smitten.

But it didn't take me off my interest in Hannibal. Undisputably Mads Mikkelsen was brilliant. His portrayal of Hannibal was smooth, suave and just pure evil. It was this time around that I realise the damage such evil brought. He framed Will for the murders he committed. He had "no traceable motives" and that made him hard to trace. Everything he did was to fulfill his psychopathic joy, to see how people will react.

In another setting, if Hugh Dancy wasn't the one playing Will, I would have been interested, amused at the glimpse of intricate human mind. But it was Hugh Dancy. His Will was reliable and helpless at the same time making me want to... save him. And Hannibal screwed his head so bad he broke.

I was torn between two evils and couldn't decide which was worst; screwing with people's head so bad they break or disfiguring their face for life.

My point is. Love can put a stop to your psychopathy.

Big bros are useful, sometimes useless

I'm seeing a lot of Will lately so last night when I saw him on TV again, I turned to my big bro and said "Find me someone like him."

"There's no one I know who looks like that," he grinned, rubbing his goatee. "I'm the only one around with a beard."

"Just find someone." Like every good little sister, I persisted. "As long as he looks like Will."

---

It has been eventful coming home. I'm down to a week now yet I haven't finish a single chapter, what more find what-you-call-it. Screwed anyway.

Will write properly soon. Later.

Met Sakuragi at Esplanade

Saw Sakuragi and a chibi Ultraman postcard among the display at a store in Esplanade so I excitedly rummaged through the entire basket of anime postcards. I only found the Ultraman I wanted but there was no Sakuragi. Did they sold out? I stared longingly at Sakuragi on the display.

I should ask the counter guy.

"Hi do you still have Sakuragi from Slam Dunk postcard? I looked through all the postcards I couldn't find him."

"We're sold out, sorry."

"Then the only one left is the display, huh."

"I can give you the display one."

"I want! Thank youu. Do you have anyone else from Slam Dunk?" I would pay double for Mitchi♡!!

"Sorry we don't."

I sighed. "That's too bad."

---

I paid to the counter girl. She smiled at me and asked "Are you a tourist?"

I don't like that word but anyway. I wondered what gave me away. Maybe my tasteless tudung style is so not Singaporean, haha. "Yes I am."

"Are you from Indonesia?"

"Nope I'm from Malaysia."

"Oh I see. Is it a school break in Malaysia now?"

What do I still look like a schoolkid? I'm 24 la.

I grinned. "No it's not. I study in Egypt so it's my break right now."

Stupidly, fearlessly carefreely, I haven't properly study this past two weeks. I'm gonna burn in hell for my incompetency.

"Yeah I thought the timing was off."

I like Chicago Bulls so naturally I choose to Bully, geddit?

Hi. I'm alive and well though my study is dying but anyway, the bigger issue we have is that the internet line in Malaysia SUCKS.

So I got back at home for a week now and heading out for one week starting tomorrow. I'm already missing home now. And Dr. Hussein's class. And I owe myself a post on what happened on my last day in Egypt last week.

So I got home. The first thing I did after all the hugging and chatting with mom was have Maru recite one to a hundred in Arabic while holding his piggy bank hostage to coerce his cooperation. And afterwards one to a hundred in English.

After we were done we chatted on how his days had been and he mentioned he is now a red belt in taekwando. And so I "alright let me test you" and pulled out a punch that had him cowering in cute fear and screaming like a girl. And then he ran away from me.

Naturally I gave chase. "Why are you running?! Does red belt run from people?"

"Your punches are too fast!!"

HAHAHAH BE BLACK BELT ALL YOU WANT KIDDO I STILL WIN!

How the super busy dean keeps his cool and going

"How many days are there in a week? Seven? Five?"

Grins.

"Actually there's only one day in a week. Just Sunday. Because when Monday comes, you start thinking of next week or the end of the week. When Wednesday comes it's already the end of the week.

When you think of it that way, it makes things a lot easier."

Another cool grin.

Drown, you stupid idiot

I need to get this out of my system and then I'll go back to Urology. Like always, read silently and don't mind me.

By default, I get jealous very easily.

When someone else has something I really wanted, it makes me want to throw myself on the floor and growl why it wasn't me. But it's not going to get me what I want.

When I like someone very much and someone else approach him so easily (as it is, the more I like someone the awkwarder I become), it makes me want to throw a tantrum so his attention will be on me. Even thinking of that situation makes me want to break things and hurl anything across the room. But that's super childish and I haven't done anything to worth his attention and he's in no position to obligate either, sobs. I'm just going to be hated if I do so.

Being the rational adult I am, all I can do is drop my head on the table and pretend to be momentarily blind. Sometimes I literally slap myself back to senses.

The things I always tell myself are "love is appreciation, not possession" and "everything is Allah's and nothing is mine". It works most of the time to keep my sanity in check and wonders when it comes to possesive over things. But it is dramatically less effective when it comes to people that really matters. I have moments of weakness, too.

My motto is to be happy and live proud, but I'm not proud of this side of me. It makes me helpless and miserable.

You know what, I think it was writen in a draft and I didn't publish it because I was so absurd. Months ago, there was one time Dr. Hussein appeared to be under the weather during class and at dismissal, he went to a corner, took his glasses off and massaged his temple. I turned to Dijah the diplomatic classmate who was the regular liaison and easily assumed as his favourite and said "He doesn't look well. Are you going to ask him about it?"

She glanced and agreed. She went over to him and he greeted her amiably. I died inside of jealousy, I want that kind of greeting too!! And so I kept my head down and glared dagger at the table in front of me. She returned later and told me he had a headache but he was fine. And then she left.

I was moping in my seat and tried to calm myself before I realised I was the last in class. I exited slowly behind him and suddenly the dean turned around and asked "Are you okay?"

It caught me off guard and I interpreted his tone hada somewhat 'what a weird kid' note to it. I stumbled out "Yes" before I ran away.

I effing ran. God. Stupid idiot.

---

I need to work on this weird way of expressing my love (don't take me wrongly, there are plenty shades of love as I learned throughout the years) otherwise I will be in trouble in the future. I can already imagine all the mess from my social awkwardness.