Be brave

It'd be best if he fishes, because grilled fresh fish is the best when you're by the sea. Undoubtedly cheaper and modernly barbaric to be literally working for food. Salt, pepper, some fresh rosemary maybe and a squeeze of lemon. We'll share with any passers-by, I'm not stingy.

If he's comfortable with being silence in nature and let me just lay down and stare at the sky. I want to stop time and absorb and enjoy everything slowly. Surrounding me are supernaturally beautiful nature, and when I look to my side, there's him.

If he's adventurous and wouldn't mind taking off after a quick planning. We'll walk and explore. Get lost in nook and crannies. Say hi to the locals and get invited for hot chocolate. Stop to stoop at cats, though I doubt there will be any on the street in this minus degree weather.

Past sunset, it's out for the light hunt. We must or I'll cry. We'll be dressed as warm as possible and I'd prep my brain to commit every scene to memory. Join the Arctic Guide perhaps. 3 nights for only USD400, I don't mind.

We'll go to the mountains and into the fjords. We'll sneak onto reindeers and probably make friends with the Sami. Will he be friendly? Because I tend to be silent on first encounter, so I'll be relying on him.

Oh. Most importantly he shouldn't be a sissy against the Northern winter cold. Ah what am I saying, maybe I'm the one who is.

It'd be the most fun ever.

decision

during my 23rd birthday, i told my parents i'd like to donate my organs when my end comes. dad was pretty nonchalant when he agreed, but mom made this solemn face. i'm not sure whether that's a yes or no, and i'm not even sure whether i was asking for permission or telling them my decision. i'm 23, legally i'm matured enough to decide what to do with my life.

but parental consultation is wise at any age, so i've been holding on to this form until i can properly discuss this with them. that time, it was me and dad watching TV and mom was at the kitchen and i popped out "hey mom, dad, when i die i want to donate my organs. okay with you guys?"

this summer, inshaAllah.

my reason for such? i'd be dead by then and will have no use for such organs, might as well contribute as much as i can for humankind. and it's not like i'd be that externally disfigured if it's aesthetic value my family is concerned of. hehe.

---

dad prayed for me as an "intensivist" the other day, i wondered what he meant. i took up medicine to follow in dad's footstep as a neonatologist and i really do enjoy paeds. but i also like traumatology. the ability to perform coolly under duress scares and excites me at the same time and several times i envisioned myself patching up broken soldiers back to their working condition.

i want to be able to be dispatched anywhere on earth as a medical field worker and to tick off my to-go list i am unable to fulfil with my time and financial restrictions as a mere student (it's usd4000 per person, i want to cry). doctors without borders so far has need for paediatricians, intensive care physicians, emergency physicians, surgeon even, so i'm good.

but when in doubt, MERGE. haha. yeah, too early to decide. i'm not sure at what stage you get career consultation, but i think if you get it as earliest as possible, you'd be able to decide what to concentrate on during student life thus how to use your time-off wisely. i'd have dad in the summer to consult paeds career, so this winter i'll use it to consult on intensive pathway.

it's going to be a tough career life either way. i suppose it's lifestyle modification that i need now. either a supportive household or a lonesome household, bwahaha. there will be a cat either way.

so today, i read the syllabus for post-graduate critical care medicine with awe. 

Aah

Today in the Neuro class with Dr. Heba Mostafa, she taught us etiquette.

"In the faculty, don't use too much 'masyi' or 'okay'. Use instead 'na3am' or 'laa'. You can use as much 'okay' you want outside the faculty.

Like in the exam and the student didn't hear my question, don't say 'eeh? (what?)' It is improper. Say instead 'Yes?' or 'Sir?'"

At home we were taught to respond people with "Ya?" and I always had to scold Hakim who replied back "Ape dia!" That monkey, haha. (Okay I admit I do this sometimes too, but my tone was more polite.)

Our colleague asked the doctor. "What about 'aiwah'?"

"That is a little bit better than 'okay'."

Aah. But I usually use 'ah' that is the shorter form of 'aiwah'. So that makes my etiquette the worst I suppose.

See, if you don't tame your stubborn kids properly at home, they become wild in the community. Like me. Keh3.

Nice People Die Young

Today we took Burn in Surgery lecture. It was a nice lecture, Dr. Yehia Safwat was cool and awesome. I benefitted since his first slide of Skin Anatomy.

Until we came to the special circumstances concerning Burn ie Upper Respiratory Airway Injury. The phrase laryngeal edema troubled me and made me edgy. I wanted to raise my hand and ask "what about inhalation injury?" but I remembered our previous lecturer who said "If you wait, your question will probably be answered."

So I waited, and there it was. The next subtopic was that of Inhalation Injury.

I swear I've been normal non-edgy since two weeks. I haven't been restless at night and no fire protocol had been running through my head. It had been a good life thinking about studies and where should I put my stuffs once unpacking commence.

The lecture troubled me in a sense that it made me fully appreciate how lucky I was that my inhalation injury was minor and I only had sorethroat for two days that no water could quench. I was aware and made jokes about it. That night, laryngeal edema did concerned me but I brushed it off and went to sleep per normal. I forgot laryngeal edema means can't breathe and death. If I had remember, I would probably went to the ER straight, everything else could wait.

Come to think of it, I made jokes about everything that first few days. Huh. NB: abnormal timely response should be monitored for abnormal post-timely reaction.

After class, I approached the bench and asked questions to justify my not-on-the-safe-side approach or should we accept reality and call it reckless. The doctor answered satisfactorily but there was a nagging in my head that pestered for more questions to be asked. But I withdrew, thanked him and walked away.

I cleared my throat because it suddenly got tight like it had that night. Irritated and I needed water now. Stupid, the fire was a month ago. Be rational now, there is no residual effect. It's psychological, stop being a sissy. Say your thanks to God you lucky bitch, you didn't die of laryngeal edema.

I suppose Anas was right when he said all females are hysterical.

Trust without depending

For example, I need help so as usual will contact the person who I trust has the ability to help and most likely to say yes. We decide to do so-and-so at a certain time and place.

But for some reason he didn't show up. I'll wait for the benefit of doubt and then proceed to do it by myself. Or if I really can't do it myself, say it's a gender-specific or person-specific task, I'll find someone else or reschedule.

No hard feelings, because I trust that person but I don't depend on him. Life goes on. What is most important is things get done. Everything else can go die.

---

Sometimes I feel like that way of life is sad, because I know it comes from previously trusting and depending on people and having them break that trust. You got hurt. Thus you decrease human attachments for the sake of not getting hurt again.

Some people call it strong. I suppose. When you learn from pain, you'll become stronger. In this world, you should only be vulnerable in front of the person who loves you the most. Someone you can trust and depend on.

Good luck. You'll need that.

Self

In an attempt at being selfless, I've been selfish.

I'm not the only one struggling with the aftermath. There's four more of us and we're all separated except three stayed together. Each have their own demon to deal with, and since I've been too cooped up in my own world, I conveniently forgot about them. Huh.

Really, it all started with not wanting to bother them because they have their final exams. I can handle the house. I'm not a kid and they don't have to take care of me. And since I suck at small talk and greetings, I talked business if nothing at all with them.

Today I realized that Kak A still beat herself over the fact it was her room that caught fire when actually there's nothing we could have done about poor old wiring. Kak M had been wandering off alone again and it must have been lonely for her, I should have thought of that when I took a rain check on her invitation to hang out at the zoo or by the Nile. Kak T the doting sister checked up on me earlier on, but being the stubborn kid who refused to be looked after by people around her age, I ran off to avoid answering about my psychological well-being thus forgot to ask about her own psychological well-being. She's a kind person, I wonder how many times has she cried since the fire. Kak H as well.

Selfish, really. A good support group is made up of people who can emphatise with each other. And who better in this case if not the original housemates of the burnt house?

The second day of the fire, I wandered off to where the three seniors were because I just want to hang out with my housemates. We had dinner, I fooled around and then went back alone to Umair's around 8pm. It is, in a way, a sort of normalcy. We always had dinner together. We talk when we're at home.

Now we don't have a house but we still have each other. I just need to walk to Sayyeda to meet them.

---

I can't handle too much kindness, really. With my pride, it's easy to feel patronized. It's more than enough that Umair, Pait and Iema have put a roof over my head and fed me, for the Muntalaqians and Raqaiqs to hold host for my stuffs, I can't really handle being taken care of by everyone and anyone else.

So don't worry about me, I write to organize my thoughts and feelings so that I will still function and not end up on a suicidal watch. Plus I am not good at reciprocating and thus will appear awkward, too macho, expressionless, and take kind people for granted.

And the last is why I generally avoid kind people in the first place.

Hannibal

Lately the posts are attempts at self-psychoanalysis.

The third day, I was over the phone with my uncle. I called him because he's a firefighter captain once serving under SMART and he's one of the closest relatives. He asked me if I was okay. I told him I'll be okay but more importantly I needed to know if it was safe to use the cooking gas tank that survived the fire. He said the tank was built to survive and it'll be round as a ball before exploding, so mine was most likely safe.

He asked how the fire started but I could only give him my hypothesis. He taught me how them fire investigators localize the fire origin but every time I go back I couldn't breathe so I only listened half-heartedly. Something about flare or was it snare? Taking history in Arabic all this while, I know how to pretend to understand.

He asked me if I was traumatised and damn I hate that word, but I told him the truth that I see fire whenever I close my eyes. He said he'll get me a portable smoke detector once I come back home.

He was driving and I was crying, so I wished him a happy stay with the family in Perak and bid him adieu.

---

I've already established two weeks ago that I need to see a psychiatrist. But I've watched enough Hannibal to know how a psychiatrist will respond to me so it's pointless to see one with a mindset as such. The money instead should go to drinking good coffee to oblivion.

What's the definition of okay? I can't really tell my parents what I think because it'd just get them worried. The last thing I need is them to feel helpless or somehow assign someone to look over me; I can't decide which is worst. I'm not five, but I don't feel like keeping up either.

But if you really want to know, in my head is the protocol of what to do in case of a fire. Different fire source, different steps of control. It really is unpleasant but I don't know how to calm down. I can't tell when a normal electrical appliance will spark a fire. The other day, I entered the bathroom while it was still steaming from the hot water and I nearly had a heart attack because I thought it was smoke.

Damn I need that portable smoke detector now.

It makes me edgy. I don't want to stay in one place, I need to get out. When I had Ayyash, if I need a change of place I'd go to Umair's but now that I'm at her place, I'm running out of options. This mostly occurs at night and she wouldn't let me out unless I have a mushrif but like hell I'd waste some people's time just to sit on a bench by the Nile staring at nothing. Plus she scared me when she said I'll wake up without a panties if I sleep outside.

What I need now, is a place to hide. Right now the options are under the cover and here.

The Door

The door was to be pulled from inside and it had no handle either from inside nor outside. Today it was closed somewhere during our session and we couldn't open it to let the patient out.

One of the guys tried to pry it open. No avail. Dr Solaiman slammed on it to attract the staffs outside. The girls borrowed my knife ("Please don't let the doctor see I bring a knife around") and tried to pry it open. No avail.

Minutes had passed. I was getting edgier. Calm down, silly girl, calm down.

Dr Solaiman made a comment about brainless human. He typed in Ammu Abder Rahman's number and called him to open the door for us. The secretary came and tried to open it with a makeshift handle. No avail.

He went to take the door's key and tried it. The door yielded.

Turned out somebody locked the door. With the respected 70-plus-year-old doctor and a whole class of student in. I hung my head. Brainless Egyptian.

The doctor yelled asking which animal locked us in and demanded someone own up. They were shouting in the hallway. Dr Solaiman came back and said one of the cleaners thought the class was empty and thus locked it. "And she'll go to slack off work and come back tomorrow to open it in the morning!"

Thank you doctor for going livid. If you didn't, I would have had a breakdown. I hung my head to hide tears threatening to fall down. Damn brainless Egyptian. If there was a fire, none of us could have gotten out.. Effing brainless.

"Donkeys," Dr Solaiman muttered and addressed us. "Thrombocytopenia will present as..."

Life goes on. I need to get over this.

Make every second worth living

As usual, nobody wanted to take the history. I didn't want to because the hardest part of Neurology sheet is the patient's complaint. But the patient was present and the doctor was insisting and I shouldn't give any excuses to be weak. So I took out my pen and notepad and "Maisarah, let's go."

The patient was a male, so when I stood up, I offered the guys again as whoever took the sheet got to examine the patient. As expected, nobody else wanted to take the history. Heh. And we all complain Egyptian system doesn't expose us to much clinical skills, bullshit.

I introduced myself and got his permission. Took the personal history smoothly and we came to his complaint.

I sweat-dropped and turned to Maisarah. "There's problem with his back and he's having difficulty in walking. But I couldn't understand the rest."

"Let's tick off symptomatology. Hana, ask leading questions."

I asked him if he had numbness in his lower limb. Bingo. Analysed it and suddenly, a hospital staff called the patient away. The patient smiled and excused himself. The doctor walked in.

"Wrong patient?" I asked him.

"Yes. You're taking motor neuron diseases today, not peripheral neuropathy."

I returned to my seat. Another patient came in and the doctor asked the class who would take the sheet. My head was down summarising what little of the history I had just took. He repeated the question many times until finaly he said, "Can the one who took the peripheral neuropathy take this patient's sheet?" I nodded, stood up and drew a chair while smiling and greeting the patient.

She smiled and before I could introduce myself, she launched into her personal history. Haha.

I asked her complain and jotted it down. It was quite a task trying to complete the sheet and listen to what the doctor was telling the class in the same time. The doctor turned to me and asked what she complained of. "Muscle weakness in the upper limb since two years and two months ago." I proceeded with the analysis while the doctor translated what I asked and the patient answers to the class.

Standard OCD, left or right, distal or proximal, erm what else? 

"Doctor how do I ask for the tone?"

The doctor said to me in Arabic and the patient answered straight away. I understood she meant hypotonia. "What else should I ask?"

"You have to ask about wasting. Do you know wasting in Arabic?"

"La' ma'raftush..."

The doctor semi-laughed. I'm sorry, I will go boil and drink the medical phrasebook right after class. He said the word for wasting in Arabic. I need to spell it in my head in order to get a word right, so I asked him to repeat. The patient then smiled at me and said, "Aiwah, ana 'andi wasting fi iidi.."

The class laughed. I laughed defeatedly and hung my head. Still laughing, I asked the kind madam "Maalish, il-wasting dah maugud fiin bizzobt?"

"Next you have to ask for fasciculation. Do you know what it is in Arabic?"

"It's raffah fil a'dalah." Oh boy was I proud with myself for nailing that one, lulz. The patient immediately rolled her sleeve and showed me her spontaneously fasciculating biceps.

It's embarrassing to think it has been months in Internal Medicine yet I still haven't memorized the Neuro sheet in Arabic. Must work harder la like this.

---

We came to the theoretical part of the session for motor neuron disease. The doctor said the mixed type we were taking, amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, has a 3-year survival rate.

"Once the patient develop bulbar symptoms, we are worried because next it will be the respiratory affection." And that was the end because they haven't found a cure for degenerative disease yet.

I stopped writing. The earlier madam was kind, helpful and cheerful. She said her condition started two years and two months ago, so that means she only have ten months to go. She has three children and the youngest is 11 years old...

Neurology is saddening.

Rurouni

Tonight, I sang to OneRepublic's Marchin On.

And then I stopped because I realised I was in no position to sing "But with what we have, I promise you that we're marchin on, we're marchin on, we're marchin on" when all I did was squat the life out of someone else's life.

Time to hit the road tomorrow.

---

Last night I told Umair what I'd like to name my first two boys. That night I was looping Nsync and I thought, if someone sang This I Promise You to me, I'd melt straight away.

I realised then it was the biological clock talking. During my course of anthropological studies, I observed stuff like this happened to middle-aged women. But I'm only 23... Maybe there is merit to that 48-year-old test result I received recently.

That night when I sleep, I dreamt (read: nightmared) my mom married me off to some skinny guy called Andy who we knew nothing about... The ridicule is creepy, plus I don't know any Andy except Andou in Dengeki Daisy and Shinhwa no Andy.

And today at school Fadzlin told me she asked Chot about Beit Muslim procedure on my behalf and Chot said it'd be easier if I tell him who I want and he'll proceed for me.

That reminded me of earlier after the fire and how I needed to find a place for one. The girls suggested for me to get married (once married, the both of us will move into a couple house and thus solve my need for a new place). During that time I was seriously considering all the options I had, so Fadzlin volunteered to ask Chot for me.

But now, with my head clearer from all the soot and inhalation-injury-inducing oxides of nitrogen, it seemed silly to solve two problems (that and I lost my gold ring) with another bigger problem. I thanked Fadzlin for her effort.

It's Ammar Khairy and Ali Nasrullah by the way. I'll include this in the prenuptial.

---

The latest update of Horimiya was hilariously heartwarming. Hahaha.

2013

January:
Paeds end round
Secretary for ABTHAL
WinG and war game
ABTHAL

February:
Kak Elle came
Akmal and Abang Effy cooked
Went for drinks

Balqis balik
Missed Abang Effy's graduation
Attended Cairo grad

STEP preparation

March:
Lost my ipod
STEP

April:

May:
Kak Nad married
Kids came to Cairo

Punched Arab
Kak Elle gatsby

June:
GMJ
Exam
Riot

July:
Gastric ulcer perhaps
End of exam
Home
Work conference
Birthday

August:
Run away to Irama Beach
Work conference
Refreshed soon to prove as short-lived

September:
Busan Namja invited me over for a quarter-life crisis

October:
Eid with family
Back to Cairo

Class soon to start

November:
Pipah BFG to UMS

December:
18 my house on fire.
24 referred by Sayyeda precint to go to HQ Cairo. The day before there was a bomb at Mansurah so I prayed nobody bomb the Cairo HQ that day and proceeded.
They refer me to Abbasiyah that I'm unfamiliar with. I probably need to skip more class and this is the most distressing part.

26 meet with ambassador. Asked for their help. Felt like successkid.jpg

Superseniors never endorsed me as a halQi member

We were writing attendance for the meet program with the ambassador. The girl next to me who introduced herself as a third year junior earlier passed me the paper and I saw her full name. I voted for this name during the recent PERUBATAN election.

"You're the new exco?" She nodded sheepishly. "Congratulations."

"Thanks. But it's more towards condolences."

I chuckled. "But you guys were running voluntarily, so I'm not sure whether I'm supposed to say condolences."

Her laugh sounded restrained. I probably just imposed on her the image of a weird senior. I wrote my attendance.

Hemorrhagic Infarction

Today in class we took Stroke. The doctor said when you have large surface of cerebral affection, you may need to do a hemicraniotomy or else the swelling will lead to conization.

"The patient will have dense hemiplegia (complete loss of motor power in one half of the body) but at least you saved his life."

Is it really that important to live?

After the fire, everyone kept telling me that what is most important is that everyone is safe. Yeah, I suppose. With everyone safe, the aftermath I have to deal with is a bitch in itself, if someone had died it would surely be a homicidal migrainous bitch.

It is a pain to lose everything and starting back from scratch, but having to locate and repair everything before it can be usable again is also a pain in itself.

I want to give up.

Learn and Adapt

1) Be a responsible and mature adult by picking up the pieces with confidence.

2) You have to do ample research to save time. But there is always an element of gambling in life, so take justifiable risks anyway.

3) You have to be on time. No matter who you are, time is always life. It shows your sincerity and your respect when you are on time.

4) There is no merit to skipping class. Most of the time, even when you think your business is more important, it is not worth it to skip class.

5) Don't ever stand people up. It's not your excuses they want to hear, people would just appreciate you telling them you were not going to make it. Calling people is a sign of respect. Not doing so and simply stood them up for whatever reason implies your time is far far superiorly more precious than theirs. That's just plain narcissism and pitifully conceited.

6) No matter how mature you try to act, you will always succumb to some random authoritative adult taking care of you.

7) It is good to be wary. A healthy dose of fear keeps you safe. Be calculative but don't be paranoid.

8) Not all police are thugs. The ones we met are actually very helpful people. As I said, be calculative but don't be paranoid.

9) Everything has its own place. Be organised and don't misplaced things, for sanity sake.

10) No matter how tough you try to act, you will always succumb to the kindness shown by random strangers.

11) You can speak and understand Arabic better than you think you can.

12) There are some social facts you cannot change. For everything else, do what you need to do and don't complain unless it makes a difference. Ranting will only make you feel better, but it's only temporary. You will feel stupid for complaining over unchangeable things afterwards. Instead, recite اللهم انك عفو كريم تحب العفو فاعفو عني over and over again and may God not make the sins you have done as the reason for you going through difficulties. What is important is things get done.

13) Vent out physically. Wear shoes and kick stuffs, just try not to do any damage in the process. Wear pants and walk all the way to your next destination.

14) Banana milk is the best. Don't buy chocolate milk.

15) You don't need company, it's just going to waste their time because things can be done by a single person, that is you. Company is mere moral support, you can get that by having a live-in strong character in your head. So be mentally strong and don't waste other people's time.

16) How many times must I say, time is life.

17) Don't beg for help, please don't ever beg for help. At the first sign of reluctance, back off straight away and restrategize. Persisting in asking for their help will only lead to accumulation of tears, and this is my next point.

18) Don't ever cry in front of anyone. Don't you effing dare to cry in front of anyone.

19) You are allowed to open up to one person at a time. Use him wisely, for he has his own things to take care of.

20) Don't worry your parents. You are only allowed to be vulnerable when you are face-to-face with them. Otherwise, don't effing worry them.

21) At the end of the day, you can only depend on God.

22) Don't bother people with small talks.

23) Don't yell at people who bother you with small talks.

24) Leave me alone.

25) Pretend that life is as usual, it will help people to live on.

26) You have to survive in order to live.