take care babe

Today Kuala Krai had their first COVID death and I immediately thought of you.

You, dispatched from your post and serving as a 12 hour shift MO in a COVID positive ward. When you first told me that, my heart sunk a bit. And I told you flippantly to take good care of yourself. When in actual I wanted to cry. I was there still tired and in MC while most of my beloved closest friends are serving in the COVID team.

So I texted you. 

"H***** take care"

Just that. No expectations. We both know how we felt. Though mine, probably evolving towards acceptance of a forever platonic one. I wish I'm married so that I can let go of you. 

You replied "inshAllah".

I don't want anything. I told you how I felt and what I wanted was for you to be happy. This time, I just want you safe and not sick. Please don't get sick, you live alone. It sucks. So please don't get sick.

This doesn't hurt anymore. But maybe I'm just pretending. 

Ms Doon did my piercing, I did hers

Today Ms Doon pierced my right ear. She gave lignocaine, poked through with a 24G branula and thread in a needle-cut Silk 2-0. Then I did hers.

After 25 years. I kind of like wearing only one earring though. Too used to it. 

Today also I realised I'm not worth his time. It has always been me initiating, very few his. I think his was only once. 

I had a fun date, but that's it. Thank you for the memory. 

scrotal hematoma sebab gatal tangan tak secure small bleeders from distal sac

Struggle dalam OT sorang-sorang dengan si Jumawan scrub nurse. Our only surgeon Mr. Kim pula struggling with colonoscopy so I was on my own for almost 2 hours opening up my scrotal hematoma post open hernioplasty. Radio kata bowel recurrence but when I opened up the mesh was intact. The hematoma was effing huge and I was dissecting endlessly to deliver the testis out.

 
"Dija, Pali mana koranggg!"

"Kenapa kau sebut nama orang yang tiada di sini?"

"Untuk semangat."

I finally did. Mr. Kim came later and eyes popped out at what I presented to him. He questioned how to put this back in. I remembered thinking "saya pandai keluarkan saya pandai la simpan balik" hahaha such confidence.

work hard, play harder

Miss Margaret the plastic surgeon came to Lahad Datu for our Burn Update and it was a good day. On that weekend we brought her to SCCA for a hike, yours truly ever the guide.

I was telling her the other things we have in Lahad Datu (such a good tour guide) and about the dive sites we have.

Ms Margaret: Lahad Datu has 64 dive sites? So you have to go diving every weekend.

Me: I can't, I have to rotate- (between hiking and masuk hutan and merayap keluar LD)

Ms Margaret serentak: You have to work-

Me: ... Yeah I have to work too.

Ms Doon glaring at me: I've been staring at her waiting to see her answer.

Me: Hahaha.

HELL YEAH IM ALIVEEE

Clarified and nothing changes. I'm feeling.. Relieved. 

So let's go diving next month? Also I wanna drive to Ranau when Ranau King is in season. Gotta live a life, aye. 

I think I might be using Savin or Arif as a crutch now. 

---

On the topic of Arif. I drove from Tawau to Lahad Datu. Stopped by the mosque and afterwards texted him if he's home. He was. 

I said I'm coming over in 5 minutes. 

He told me to come later than 5, he wanna take a shower. 

Whatever kid. I'm close by anyway. So I went to his place and reorganise things in my car while waiting for him. 

He rapped on my window and that scared the shit out of me. I got out and gave him a carton of keropok sira and mom's sambal bilis.

He asked if I just arrived from Tawau. 

Yeah. 

"Nasib baik kereta kau tak mati. Aku dah ready dah kot ada orang mesej kereta mati."

I laughed. "Memang kau Plan A aku pun."

I love this kid. I had a feeling he came back from KK quite early today because of me. Thanks Arif.

de-to

I waited outside. I saw his car passed, he was looking straight ahead for a parking space. I could recognise his side profile anywhere.

A while later I heard steps approaching and I turned around expecting him. But it was someone else I know, my schoolmate and her HO friend. We talked and caught up for a while. Then he came into my periphery and I smiled at him with a wave while still not breaking my conversation with my friend. He smiled and waved back and entered Subway. My friends grinned knowingly and let me off.

"Nanti hantar kad ya."

"Haha." I will.

I went inside and was puzzled. Where'd he go? One patron looked at me weirdly. He probably went for toilet break since I was with friends. He returned back with his smile and we ordered. 

"Kau nampak.. makin matang."

"Aku dah tua." Was my stupid reply. I should have said something else. 

He wanted to order for me and have me wait at the table but he realised I'd have to choose how I'd like my sandwich. I noticed he didn't want cheese with his sub and I asked him why. He said he was on a diet, that he has gotten fatter. 

I looked him head to toe. His sweeped hair, his stubble, his bright eyes and his friendly smile. He looked good. Real good. Dammit should have said so argh stupid Atiqah I didn't expect all your wit to go down the drain. This guy really rendered me shy and speechless. I went back to choosing my sub because I felt blush creeping up my cheeks. I've seen him chubbier and I told him he looks thin to me. 

He remembered that we last saw each other at my place for raya and said he was skinnier then. 

Really? 

Really. 

I ordered my sub and he asked me what I would like to drink. It hit me that he kept asking me what I wanted. I mean, I can order myself right? I contemplated and decided on orange juice. Then he asked me to go wait for him at the table. 

I blinked and then I smiled. It took me a moment to register that as a gentlemanly move, something I'm not used to having. I pointed out I want white choc macadamia cookie and chose a table. I sat facing the exit and spied on him at the counter. He looked really good. I was staring. And the other patron was staring at me for staring at him like the lovesick puppy I am. I should take a picture so it'd last longer, so I did. 

He paid the bills and brought our food to the table. He then went to get our drinks. 

+10

When can I meet your mom? I want to thank her for raising such a well mannered handsome man.

He took his seat across me and I wondered should I change seat to face opposite him, but I decided against. He chose to sit across me, let it be. 

He then asked if "daddy" knows I'm here. First question on the table. I wanted to laugh, of course no. I don't want to get their hopes high and dad sees him at work and I don't want to ruin whatever dynamic they have. I told him that my parents know I'm out and where I go to. I tell them whatever wrongs I do anyway. Plus I'm writing here so they'll know eventually. I don't know who else reads my blog though. 

(Later at dinner I told them I met him for lunch, and mom's careful look didn't go unnoticed. See, told ya.)

We talked and he ate. He would take a bite, wiped his mouth and then talk. So posh. He soon finished his sub while I was only few bites in. I realised I should give up on the food and tucked the wrapper in. I was probably 

a) still full from the nasi kerabu brunch an hour ago, 

b) slow chewer and awkward to converse with my mouth full, 

c) meeting him was a joy itself and I'm full with joy, 

d) all the above.

I told him C. He laughed. But really. Palpitations. All blood rerouted to the coronaries. Butterflies in my stomach. My gastric is hypoperfused. Joy. 

Last time he wouldn't tell me when his birthday was and I was thinking what kind of curse is this, I don't even know how old he is. So I asked him when was his birthday. It's on 9th September 1990. 

"IC aku cantik. 900909."

Ah, I'm older.

He's the second of four siblings. He has an older brother who works with JKSP at Kak Elli's HTA, a younger sibling in UIA for Islamic Economy or something, and the youngest is 19 years old in Asasi Sains UiTM Dengkil. Oh, junior Yaya.

"Kan kita tak jadi keluar malam semalam kan." 

I nodded. My heart broke a bit yesterday because of that. It was a miscommunication that left me so upset I had to psychoanalyse myself why was I so upset then. I realised it was because I really liked him a lot and a lot and have given him the terrifying capability to melt or to crack my ice-cold heart. I was vulnerable to him. 

You could say I was merajuk yesterday and I almost didn't want to meet up with him anymore despite he rescheduled. But I want this. Knowing I could get more hurt than then. I don't want to go back to Sabah regretting the what-ifs. So I asked him if it was really okay that we meet. Because it was on my request, I was the one who wanted to meet him. I felt like I was pushing him. I don't even know if he wanted to meet me. 

He said it was okay. And so here we are. 

He said last night was because everyone was at home and since his parents are still working and everyone's scattered, they rarely have family time so "dinner together is a must."

Family first. Yes. +20

I learned that he didn't want to live together with his parents because he wanted freedom. 

"What kind of freedom?" 

"Freedom to go out." He had a sly smile. He said his mom would call him five minutes out asking when will he come back. 

"So sekarang?" 

"Siang takpe."

"Curfew kau pukul berapa?" 

"Maghrib."

I laughed. "Your curfew is worst than mine." 

Mine is.. 10pm? I put that myself. 

We talked about our HO days and our work. Shit can't really run away from that topic, can we? He talked about how inspired he is by his specialist Dr. Norhaizam and he likes people who inspires him. 

Ah dammit I wanna inspire him too. Hahaha dammit Atiqah please get a grip of yourself and clean up nicely and let's inspire him please please? 

Why am I like this? Screwed. I am so screwed. 

He remembered when I threw tantrums because I got kicked out from the Likas group. God he remembers things I told him about. +20

He pointed out that I should flatter him more for himself, because I said Datin Asiah didn't give him as hard of a time because he's a he and she likes guy. 

"Kata la sebab aku hebat ke, bukan la sebab aku lelaki." He laughed. Okay I'll flatter you for the rest of my life, agree? 

He has this close cliques that he keeps track with since his uni days and they often travel together. One of them is an MO in Pekan and did attachment with Sam in Nephro and Sam told his friend how he taught us Medical procedures back when we were tagging with him. 

But he slipped a "she" during that recollection and something sunk in my stomach. Ah, I get jealous. Good to know that I like him enough to feel jealousy and that I'm an insecure bitch. Who is this girl? Ah I don't want to know. It hurts. But I hope 

a) the trip was two years ago, 

b) she's married already, 

c) she's not targeting him,

d) shoot me. All the above. I want to tell him that I want a relationship with him. 

I learn that I must not speak of any other boys because it sucks to hear about other girls from him. Making promises is a mistake but I promise myself I'll behave and tone down, zero out my playgirlness. You want to get deep and serious this time around, yah? No fooling around, deal? Deal. 

He tolerated my Geography failure and my Kelantan-vocab failure. He asked me if I knew what he meant and explained ever so kindly and mocklessly. +10

He's a Kelantanese yet he didn't want to settle down in Kelantan because it'd be his comfort zone, planning somewhere in KL, HUKM. I was so happy about his plan I didn't even think about my hatred for traffic jam. I wanna join him. Marry me please. +10

He was looking at me with that bright eyes and warm smile throughout our lunch. He knows I'm obsessed with him, told himself I'm not serious about him and was just fangirling over him. And yet he was treating me so kindly. +20

Did Amyny told him how I pleaded her to help me and tell him I'm serious about him, because I'm stupid and can't word it out to him? I hope she did. I'm gonna love Amyny for the rest of my life. (Edit: no she didn't.)

He cleaned up the table and threw out our trash. +20

He held the door open for me. +10

I couldn't look at him properly because how many pluses did I gave him this not even 2 hours? He started with a 100 and I like him before we even met today, how is this possible. Atiqah is such a noob. 

I've said this before and I'll say it again. I'm all yours. 

We were going to part. I faltered a bit. I wanted to tell him I want a relationship with him. I should have elaborated more when I told him I want to be more serious this year and not just with my studies. Screw study, I want to get serious with you. I know that I have on off played around and I stupidly told you I've never been serious about relationship but that was months ago. I'm sorry, I'm serious about you now. 

But words failed me. He wished me a safe flight tomorrow, with his wave and smile. I wished him a safe trip. I couldn't even remember if I told him I'll see him again or that the next one will be on me. I want a next. Can I have a next? There will be a next, right? 

Screwed. I am so screwed. 

Savin used to say it's only a date if the feeling is mutual. Truthfully I've never been on dates so what would I know. But it felt like it fits the definition of dates, whatever dates mean. 

I wonder if I'm overthinking and overanalysing again. This is going to hurt and I'm going to get hurt really badly this time, beyond whatever hurt I'm prepared for. 

ya ya i love you guys

Just landed in KB. Damn I've been awake since 4.30am for a whole day of travelling. Really sucks living so far away.

Anyway. I just landed and waiting for my luggage. And the thing I was thinking was can murtabak raja last the journey back to Lahad Datu.

I realise I must have loved my team that much that I'm willing to share my food with them. 

Hannibal and sate

Arif said he didn't know Hannibal so I told him we need to watch Hannibal over sate at his place. So today I gathered Fitri and Nicole and we had dinner at Arif's in front of his TV. Nabil was oncall today and I did three consults throughout the night. 

Anyway. We entered and I saw it, it's a container of keropok! Arif said he just fried them and I love him, did I tell you I love him? I rushed to the keropok and ate 5 while serving sate. Then I got down on my seat, took the container and declared "This is mineeee" with the happiest smile I have. 

But what, TV tak boleh plug in USB? Noob. Astro was boring and I whined. Arif said we need a laptop but mine's and Nicole's were at home and Harith is not coming and Arif only has his PC with big ass CPU...

"Takkan nak bawa CPU turun?" 

"Tapi takde laptop.."

I looked at him with my please-gimme smile and he and Fitri went upstairs and brought down his CPU to plug in to the TV. "Tak pernah2 CPU aku turun. Semua ni demi Tiqah." 

Of course I was beyond happy. We then watched The Silence Of The Lambs and followed with S1E1 of Hannibal. Halfway through the movie the keropok was finishing and Arif told me to go fry some more but I told him I don't want to. Later I finished up the keropok and just looked at him with my please-gimme smile. 

"Arif, dah habis." 

He grinned and got up and fried another batch. God I love him! I then ate more keropok with the happiest smile I have and later cleaned up everything in return. 

I tapaued the rest of the keropok. Arif said he has an unfried packet if I want. Of course I don't want, I want fried ones. Fitri commented I'm a lazy cook. I didn't disagree but to be frank, I think I'm spoiled here. I feel so loved here in Lahad Datu. 

Later in the car ride sending the princess home I gushed how good the keropok was and Fitri said it was so and so. Nothing to gush about. But I was still so happy. 

"Mungkin extra sedap sebab orang lain yang gorengkan." I said and I believe so. Damn I'm such an easy person to please. 

I wanted this dinner tonight because tomorrow I'm oncall and Monday I'm going back home. I won't see them for at least a week. Even if I don't see you again Arif I have tonight and tonight I'm happy. Thank you. 

TCA Tawau

He is a smart guy with a good brain. He passed all the stages of interview and was awarded Khazanah scholarship for some engineering course. But he sheepishly admitted he didn't even apply for engineering in UPU. They said it was okay, he could apply. 

In the end he chose his UiTM medical degree with JPA scholarship. Because for the Khazanah he will have to maintain a polished almost 4 CGPA or something and he gave me his cunning smile. Bastard's a sloth. 

He said it is difficult for him to cry and that "hati aku keras. Hati batu. Ayah aku meninggal pun aku tak menangis."

His father passed away when he was in Year 3 or 4 of medical school. He had futsal that morning and slept that afternoon. Woke up to many missed calls from his mother. 

"Aku terkesima."

He took his motorbike and met up with his brothers and they went to Terengganu. His father's car broke down and was parked by the roadside, with safety cones and all surrounding the area. Then a lorry came and hit the car, dragged it and the car caught fire so high no one could come and help. 

"Aku simpan lagi video tu." He said nonchalantly. "Nampak tangan ayah aku melambai-lambai."

I wanted to cry. "Kenapa kau simpan?" 

"Sebab video tu ada." It was a simple answer. I think he has never dig deep into his emotion ever. 

They went to the hospital to identify the body but it was badly charred and unrecognisable. He rode in the ambulance back to his home in Melor. Back to school within a week. 

I then told him about my PTSD from Ayyash apartment burn. 

His first serious love was with a student nurse from Tawau. He met her family thrice in their 6 months dating and they were nice to him. But

"Dia tipu aku."

I didn't ask the details. He was heartbroken. He was ready to marry her. He then told his mother to marry him to anyone she could find. 

"So kau guna dia sebagai rebound?" 

"Lebih kurang." You mean yes. 

Two months later, in his final HO posting, he was married to his schoolmate from the same kampung. But he wasn't happy. He found faults and not even a year later, they divorced. He already applied for MO placement in Kelantan but then hurriedly reapply for settlement in Sabah. 

"Apa la kau expect?" I was chuckling a bit. And I told him I'm not sure why I chuckled. For me marriage is an entirely different problem altogether and he shouldn't be solving a problem with another problem. 

"Berapa la duit kau habis?" 

"15k." For the wedding. And 1k per month for iddah. I glanced at him with a grin. He grinned back. 

"Banyak membazir, kan?" 

"Bukan membazir. Tapi pengajaran yang sangat mahal."

He laughed and agreed. 

It is awkward for him to go back to his hometown because of that. He didn't dare keep track of his ex wife and he was also awkward with his schoolmates and he left his alumni group because of that. Because he felt guilty.

His third is someone from around here but different religion. He broke up with her after his career fiasco, the two events unrelated, because it's easier to end it now before any more mess is made. 

I remember telling him one time ago that he shouldn't pursue her unless he can convert her. I'm glad he put religion first. I've always been glad to be travelling with him because he cares about prayer time, and now this. I know he is a good person. 

"Everything I do is a mistake."

Maybe. I told him it's good that he knows what he did was a mistake. Means he has insight. So then. 

"Apa kau belajar dari semua ni?" 

"Entah la."

"Jangan terus jawab entah. Analyse dulu. Kau tahu kau buat silap. What could you have done better? So that this doesn't happen again? So that you can live with no regret, hati tenang?"

I told him I learn, forgive myself, and then I move on. That's how I'm still friends with all my flings. 

I told how I'm good at moving on. My one fling in school, 3 or was it 4 during HOship, two in MOship. I told him about the one I rejected over message. I told him my mom wants me married but didn't dare find me one because of what I did. 

He phewed at my list. And I told him that's why I feel bad about Fitri, that I won't get serious with him. Because we work together and I'm bound to hurt him and he's gonna get hurt "and the whole ward is going to kill me."

He said if he works in Tawau, he will get himself a bike. He is licensed. He also twice almost got run over because he sped in the rain on slippery road and overshoot the red light and had to swerve to avoid being hit by cars.

"What the..."

"Kalau aku berhenti dalam jalan licin macam tu, confirm motor aku terguling-guling."

And that's not the better option? I don't get motorcyclists. 

He asked me if I know why he has a Rubik's cube on his dashboard. I told him I don't. He asked me if I watch Initial D. I know of it, it's a racing manga, no my genre. 

He said the protagonist has a glass of water in his car taught by his dad not to spill any drops while he was drifting. 

"So kalau benda tu jatuh, maksudnya aku drive bahaya sangat la."

"Oh. That's why."

He nodded. "Masa aku pergi Semporna dulu tu (during his fiasco), 5 kali benda tu jatuh."

We talked a lot more. Later he asked if I'm ever interested to do Psychiatry. I laughed. I know I'm good. 

"Aku nak ambil Psychiatry tapi mak aku tak bagi. Dia tak bagi aku kerja dengan orang macam tu. But I enjoy it. Macam Hannibal. He's a surgeon turned psychiatrist and he used his surgical skills to kill people."

"Siapa tu?" 

The hell dia tak kenal Hannibal?? 

"Movie night! Aku download cerita dia, kumpul di rumah kau, beli sate, ajak yang lain!" 

I realised today what I realised back in Egypt. There are many shades of love. The greater one is where I love you too much to hurt you. I don't know what it's called. Familial? I would definitely introduce him to my family. I have already announced on Haru's instagram that I adopted him. 

Whatever it is, that is what I feel for him. 

that time Renji refused to wake up

Sebab dah lama tak pergi (balik) KB. Hajat mahu kejar meteor shower and we stayed out until 2am but the clouds were abundant. Went back to sleep and woke up for sunrise. Meteor shower was active in sight at 4am haha takde harapan la.

I ajak Arif and almost force him to come with me because I wanted him in my sight but it was painfully obvious he was reluctant. Instead of driving, I went to the airport and beli tiket on the spot. (Arif later told me I should have told him I wasn't allowed to go alone and he would have drove, but I said "tapi kau tak nak pergi...")

Met up with Mizah from there. Spent one night in KK and another in KB before flight back to LD.

Balik tadi tak boleh on kereta so I texted Arif for help. He abandoned his game for me and didn't call me a noob. I think he's softened up a bit. After he jumpstarted my car, I pusing the whole town Lahad Datu for a battery store but none were open past 5pm Sunday.

Then I realized life sucks as a single mother, I need a partner to help me take care of my baby.

... But it's okay, let's be brave. The car has only me.

2020

I wish to:

1- drink only water

2- cut off caffeine. I think my tremors is because of those. 

3- take the stairs

4- low carbs diet. Need to lose weight and be fit for Akinabalu this 30th June. 

2018 we went high. Parasailing and paragliding lol. 

2019 we went far. Dannok and now Lahad Datu, haha.

For 2020 I wish we go deep. 

Figuratively, need to stop living so superfluously and get serious a bit. Just a bit. 

This morning when I came to work, my patient flirted with me. I also offhandedly made a tease at one of my ED colleagues. But all that made me tired and felt old. Makes me want to go home and rest. 

I guess I do want stability and a safe haven. Maybe we should find that this year. 

Literally, maybe diving. Get over my fear of deep water. Could also mean being buried 6 feet under haha. 

Need to stop making morbid jokes. 

checking up

The next working day after his outburst, Arif came to work grinning awkwardly how did his friends knew what happened and he asked me what did I tell Fitri.

I asked Fitri to check up on you, to make sure you were okay. And only because Fitri insisted that I told him that you fought with Miss. That was all.

I just needed to know he's okay. He's a kid, who knows he got himself into physical trouble just to rid off his emotional trouble. I've been there. 

Today I was postcall and escorted a patient to Tawau. Got back here almost 9pm. I bought Arif his favourite Spicy Chicken McDeluxe and got myself the same, but I also bought myself chicken, fries and a pie. 

I asked Arif if he thinks he could finish two. 

Why? 

Because I'm too sleepy to eat mine. I still have a chicken and an apple pie. 

He said he could. So I gave him mine. 

We parted at the parking lot. I got into my car and just sat there quietly. Scrolled though my SNS and tried to regain consciousness enough to drive back, fighting the urge to just sleep in the car. I think I did a good half hour of doing nothing in the car before I started the engine and head back. 

In my room. Changed into pyjama. Did my laundry. Sat at my table and had my chicken and pie while watching TROS videos. 

Then Fitri called. 

Tiq. 

Hmm? 

Arif asked me to check up on you. Are you asleep in your car? 

Ah. Did he not just drive off? They know I've that habit of sleeping in my car on postcalls even though my house is not even 10 minutes drive away. I've done that three times already this three months I'm in Lahad Datu. Don't worry, I never sleep with the engine on. 

Nope. 

Really? 

I'm in my room now. 

Okay. Bye. 

Thanks. Bye.

I hung up. There was a swell in my heart thinking I've got some real family here. 

I later texted him that I did froze off in my car almost half an hour, and thanked him for checking up on me. 

I took diving licence with Glen of Pirate Divers

"Berapa lama nak duduk dekat ceruk tu." 

"Setahun kan ma."

"Kena setahun ke."

What kind of question is that, you helped send me off kan. But I didn't say anything. 

"Ika lapar nak gi makan."

"Makan dengan siapa."

"Sorang."

"Tak dating dengan sesiapa ke sana." 

"Tak."

Well Fitri wanted to date me and I'm sure if I ask him to have dinner with me he'll say yes if he's not working. But I'm hesitant. We work together, I don't want to cause any trouble here. That, and I fancy Hannan. 

"Kenapa tak? Kawan-kawan dekat sana?" 

"Ika memilih!"

"Memilih apanya!" 

I think mom is beyond worried. I'm far, alone, almost 30. Haha. I don't worry about myself. 

I don't think I really care about myself. When I went diving, the thing I thought was "It's okay even if you die, just relax."

pali is a pelesit

One time Pali drove the three of us girls to lunch. I sat at the passenger seat behind him and played Nonogram on my phone. Then I felt him going fast. I peaked over his shoulder and confirmed that he was going 100 km/h in the city.

I wanted to play on my phone and not see where he was going, so I put on my seatbelt. 

Pali heard me buckling up. 

"Seatbelt Tiqah?" He chuckled disbelieved.

"Aku percayakan kau. Tapi aku nak main fon. Malas nak focus on the road."

He complained that I didn't trust his driving and the girls were laughing. I don't have any issue with speeding, I mean I speed all the time and I really do trust him. 

But buckling up is buckling up. Even Pali was buckled up.

Of course we got there safely with me playing on my phone the entire time. And for the ride home I immediately put on my seatbelt and played my game again.