TCA Tawau

He is a smart guy with a good brain. He passed all the stages of interview and was awarded Khazanah scholarship for some engineering course. But he sheepishly admitted he didn't even apply for engineering in UPU. They said it was okay, he could apply. 

In the end he chose his UiTM medical degree with JPA scholarship. Because for the Khazanah he will have to maintain a polished almost 4 CGPA or something and he gave me his cunning smile. Bastard's a sloth. 

He said it is difficult for him to cry and that "hati aku keras. Hati batu. Ayah aku meninggal pun aku tak menangis."

His father passed away when he was in Year 3 or 4 of medical school. He had futsal that morning and slept that afternoon. Woke up to many missed calls from his mother. 

"Aku terkesima."

He took his motorbike and met up with his brothers and they went to Terengganu. His father's car broke down and was parked by the roadside, with safety cones and all surrounding the area. Then a lorry came and hit the car, dragged it and the car caught fire so high no one could come and help. 

"Aku simpan lagi video tu." He said nonchalantly. "Nampak tangan ayah aku melambai-lambai."

I wanted to cry. "Kenapa kau simpan?" 

"Sebab video tu ada." It was a simple answer. I think he has never dig deep into his emotion ever. 

They went to the hospital to identify the body but it was badly charred and unrecognisable. He rode in the ambulance back to his home in Melor. Back to school within a week. 

I then told him about my PTSD from Ayyash apartment burn. 

His first serious love was with a student nurse from Tawau. He met her family thrice in their 6 months dating and they were nice to him. But

"Dia tipu aku."

I didn't ask the details. He was heartbroken. He was ready to marry her. He then told his mother to marry him to anyone she could find. 

"So kau guna dia sebagai rebound?" 

"Lebih kurang." You mean yes. 

Two months later, in his final HO posting, he was married to his schoolmate from the same kampung. But he wasn't happy. He found faults and not even a year later, they divorced. He already applied for MO placement in Kelantan but then hurriedly reapply for settlement in Sabah. 

"Apa la kau expect?" I was chuckling a bit. And I told him I'm not sure why I chuckled. For me marriage is an entirely different problem altogether and he shouldn't be solving a problem with another problem. 

"Berapa la duit kau habis?" 

"15k." For the wedding. And 1k per month for iddah. I glanced at him with a grin. He grinned back. 

"Banyak membazir, kan?" 

"Bukan membazir. Tapi pengajaran yang sangat mahal."

He laughed and agreed. 

It is awkward for him to go back to his hometown because of that. He didn't dare keep track of his ex wife and he was also awkward with his schoolmates and he left his alumni group because of that. Because he felt guilty.

His third is someone from around here but different religion. He broke up with her after his career fiasco, the two events unrelated, because it's easier to end it now before any more mess is made. 

I remember telling him one time ago that he shouldn't pursue her unless he can convert her. I'm glad he put religion first. I've always been glad to be travelling with him because he cares about prayer time, and now this. I know he is a good person. 

"Everything I do is a mistake."

Maybe. I told him it's good that he knows what he did was a mistake. Means he has insight. So then. 

"Apa kau belajar dari semua ni?" 

"Entah la."

"Jangan terus jawab entah. Analyse dulu. Kau tahu kau buat silap. What could you have done better? So that this doesn't happen again? So that you can live with no regret, hati tenang?"

I told him I learn, forgive myself, and then I move on. That's how I'm still friends with all my flings. 

I told how I'm good at moving on. My one fling in school, 3 or was it 4 during HOship, two in MOship. I told him about the one I rejected over message. I told him my mom wants me married but didn't dare find me one because of what I did. 

He phewed at my list. And I told him that's why I feel bad about Fitri, that I won't get serious with him. Because we work together and I'm bound to hurt him and he's gonna get hurt "and the whole ward is going to kill me."

He said if he works in Tawau, he will get himself a bike. He is licensed. He also twice almost got run over because he sped in the rain on slippery road and overshoot the red light and had to swerve to avoid being hit by cars.

"What the..."

"Kalau aku berhenti dalam jalan licin macam tu, confirm motor aku terguling-guling."

And that's not the better option? I don't get motorcyclists. 

He asked me if I know why he has a Rubik's cube on his dashboard. I told him I don't. He asked me if I watch Initial D. I know of it, it's a racing manga, no my genre. 

He said the protagonist has a glass of water in his car taught by his dad not to spill any drops while he was drifting. 

"So kalau benda tu jatuh, maksudnya aku drive bahaya sangat la."

"Oh. That's why."

He nodded. "Masa aku pergi Semporna dulu tu (during his fiasco), 5 kali benda tu jatuh."

We talked a lot more. Later he asked if I'm ever interested to do Psychiatry. I laughed. I know I'm good. 

"Aku nak ambil Psychiatry tapi mak aku tak bagi. Dia tak bagi aku kerja dengan orang macam tu. But I enjoy it. Macam Hannibal. He's a surgeon turned psychiatrist and he used his surgical skills to kill people."

"Siapa tu?" 

The hell dia tak kenal Hannibal?? 

"Movie night! Aku download cerita dia, kumpul di rumah kau, beli sate, ajak yang lain!" 

I realised today what I realised back in Egypt. There are many shades of love. The greater one is where I love you too much to hurt you. I don't know what it's called. Familial? I would definitely introduce him to my family. I have already announced on Haru's instagram that I adopted him. 

Whatever it is, that is what I feel for him.