Journaling in Jordan

29032018

Flight from Sabah delayed by 3 hours. 

Arrived in KLIA 2 by 3am. 

Slept at Capsule by Container Hotel. 

Woke up for Subuh. 

Slept in till 0810H. 

—

30032018

Ride to KLIA - RM2 x 2

Breakfast at Food Garden

Makcik Nasi Kandaq for Ms and nasi goreng ayam for me, yum! - RM9.45

Nescafe to go - RM3 

Too hot, couldn't finish, had to throw by immigration

SV0841, 8h 50m

Cannot sleep

Mid seat - bad idea

Lots of toilet breaks

Movie marathon

- Coco

- Thor Ragnarok x2 playback Vs Hulk and post fight scene

- The Hitman's Bodyguard

- The Proposal and Annabelle: Creation - couldn't sustain my attention

 

Guy behind me had a fit x3 in 15 minutes. 

Plus crying wife. 

Some aged GP went to help. 

I don't think the first aid was appropriate nor correct, but since I didn't own up I have no place to say. 

In Jeddah International Airport

God, I forgot I've been here and how campy and uncomfortable it is. 

The people… from all sorts of walk of life is all I can say. 

People watching, spot guessing where they came from. Kinda easy to pick out the Egyptian and Sudanese. 

Airport Queen Alia was nice. 

Sort of reminds me of Changi in its newness, lines and efficiency. 

Saw and used pretty isdal at the nice surau, but it's a two-piece so what's the point. 

500 USD = 350 JD

Azki Hanafi our murakkib drove us to Antika Hotel

Journey was from the edge of Amman, through high end abdoun where consulates live. 

Ms paid 88 JD

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31032018

0930H

Madaba: Heritage trail of mosaic beauty.

Modern conclusion, it's a Legoland. 

Entrance to Kanisah Virgin Mary

3 JD each (Ms) + 0.25 (Azki)

Walk, walk, walk

Big ass Kanisah St George with map of promised land

Souvenir bought at Najd & Shahd where Muadz was handcrafting the mosaic

Bought a tree of life for 30 JD

1130H

Off to Mt Nebo where Nabi Musa pointed the promised land to the insolent people 

2 JD each (Atiqah)

Walk, walk, see

1 JD for water

Then to the Dead Sea

I wish I'm good at sketching

To Karak Castle

Which is actually a qal3ah Solahuddeen

Prayed at Masjid Hameedi

4 JD and valet parking 2 JD

Magnifique valley panoramic view

Oh yeah

We had lunch at a nearby eatery

7.50 JD

We then drove to Petra

Long way

Pretty moon followed us to La Maison Hotel

We had buffet dinner

Typical Arabic dishes not to my taste haha

I went up to the sutuh to catch the moon

GoPro acted up and I forgot the correct setting. Nvm. 

—

01042018

Breakfast spoiled my mood

Tomato tak sedap

Rasa tak fresh

I felt so betrayed :(

Went to Petra!

Each paid 50 JD

0900 - 1420H walk and hike!

I went up to the Ad-Dier monastery

A feat. 

I'm a Jordanian now. 

Lunch was syawarma superb bigibnah

They put fries, chicken, cheese, thum in suri and grill

I was so happy

Then orange with carrot juice to wash it down

Azki paid 6.45 JD

I owe Azki 1 JD for adapter and Ms 1 JD for water

Off to Wadi Rum

Camped at Hassan Zaneidah which is soo nice!

An hour jeep ride across the dune

Starry night

Moonlit desert

Shall we dance?

I went night photoshooting 

Azki teman

Could have gone alone but somehow scared haha

Ms paid 11 JD for Wadi Rum entrance and 85 JD for HZ camp

I paid Azki 6.50 + 1

For Azki, we paid him 780 USD

—

02042018

Ms paid 6.85 JD for lunch - I paid half

Went to Wadi Rum Station

Belonged to Turks

Carriage train for goods to Jordan

Still functioning

Off to Aqaba!

Glass boat 30 JD - paid half to Ms

Glass boat showed us the corals - not so colourful

Then dabbabah - the tank that King Abdullah sank to commemorate Karamah War where Urdun won against Yahud

And a sank safinah

I sat at the bow thinking of jumping in, but we have no life vest

Prayed at the mosque

I paid 6 JD for lunch

Ms paid 4 JD for asir and water

Off to Amman

Checked in Hotel Larsa

So nice!

But broken aircond

Dinner at Jabri

Atiqah paid 2.90 JD for kunafah and 14.40 JD for mansaf

—

03042018

Best breakfast of fresh baked bread!!!

With live demo

Ms paid 87 JD for the hotel

Went to Ashabul Kahfi cave

Penerangan by sheikh there

Then to Salt

Beautiful architecture

Thanks Hariz :) 

Kissed by makciks at Masjid Alkabir near Ain Plaza

Azki bought us atayeef :)

Then to Amman Citadel

I paid 6 JD

Then dinner at Mat3am Al-Kaherah hahah

KEPALA KAMBING WITH KABSAH

Tongue actually tasted good

Atiqah paid 9 JD

Souvenir were 20 JD 

Got myself a cushion cover for the car

Azki told me to just get Hariz a mug, quoting "Cinta tak perlu mahal" haha apa?

Asob was 0.50 JD

40 JD for one night Nahas

Groceries 4.50 JD

—

04042018

Mujahid took us to Ajloun

Atiqah paid 0.80 JD

Too many school kids

Arab bising haha

Then changed to Taqi

Lunch ritsh at Tadammur per Hariz suggestion

I paid 8.50 JD

SEDAPPP

ISI BESARRRR

SALATOH AND SALSAH SEDAP

NASI SEDAPP

Then to Ma3rokah Yarmuk

Vast field and plateau

Then got lost while cari belakang Umm Qays for Tasik Tabari and Al-Ghorub

I paid 3 JD for drinks

Prayed and visited maqam and Masjid Muadz bin Jabal

Met back Azki at Gourmet

Drank farawlah

And ate shawarma

Atiqah paid 2 JD for food

Ms paid 5 JD

Sedekah was 0.30 JD

—

05042018

Checkout Nahas

Ms paid the rest half of total 40 JD

We went back to Tasik Tabari

It's behind Umm Qays

Through a field of daffodil

The landing was cool

You see the view

And wind was blowing strong almost knocking me off my feet

We went to JUST

And Azki bought shawarma otw

Awesome as always, 4 JD - paid him

JUST was barren

Unlike us Cairo surrounded by Nile

I took a picture there just for the sake of it

Then we went to Jerash 

I really should look up the places I go before I go there

It's a huge area to walk under the sun

Haha

Tiring but puas

10 JD each for entrance

Back to Amman

We crashed at Al-Hussein Park

It has buildings of museum, but the park itself is barren to say the least

Just trees

Not so springy

Azki went to the Royal Automobile Museum and got himself free entrance

We loitered in the car

Tired from Jerash

I smell of sand

I asked Hariz what he wants from Jordan

He said he's a fan of Jobedu shirt but told me not to susah2 for it

Googled. Nearby. 

We went there

I picked out a size S for him

He said "M kot?" but there's no decent pattern left in M and I forgot how Hariz's built is

I'm praying it fits

15 JD for him

I guess I'll keep the mug

Flight back 

Rather uneventful

Hardly any sleep

Movie marathon:

- The Man From UNCLE because Henry Cavill looked cool

- Gifted because it's Chris Evans

Landed KUL

Parted from Ms

Took the express to see mi familia

—

I feel like I'm becoming friends with Hariz because of this trip

I get to see what he loved of Jordan

I get to know him a bit

I realised how flighty but responsible he is

Maybe it's just me, but I need to have a point of interest

But what am I worthy of?

Compared to him who has done his part contributing to the society

I've just been doctoring all this while

Nothing beyond my hospital

He's amazing in that sense

I'm not up to that yet

I should, right? Find a bigger cause. 

For Hariz's shirt, I wanted to meet him and give it myself

But I guess I'm embarrassed

So I sent it by mail

The radiologist uses course day to get a break and work on his CME presentation

I was at the seminar room by 7.45 am because it was going to start at 8 am. Expectedly they were just setting up the place. I stood at the back arranging my stuffs when a familiar voice greeted me from behind.

“You’re early.”

Says the early guy. I grinned as I busied with my stuffs and he took a seat at the corner of the room, opening his laptop. I sat down to his right leaving a space enough for a person in between us. I stared ahead. “My prof used to say if you’re on time, you’re late.”

He chuckled. He was just started working on his presentation for his CME this Thursday. He asked me how’s my relationship with the head of service now that I’m back in Paed Surgery, his eyes on his laptop but I could still hear his grin. I told him I only talk to the old man when spoken to, the old man acting like he never did me any wrong. I could still hear the grin as he said “You hold grudges”.

“Is it grudges?” I pondered. I’m no longer angry. I don’t care anymore. “It’s just. Once I’m betrayed, that’s it.”

The organiser arrived and I greeted them. He asked how I know them, and I told him I got lost this morning and went to the library instead and met them there. They asked me to scan a QR code for attendance which I did, and then I quietly passed him my phone so he could fill his. And then I scanned the QR code for the itinerary, screenshot it and send it to his WhatsApp without a word. All while he worked on his presentation.

ChatGPT said that I’m deeply intuitive, quietly generous, and exceptionally aware of others—even when they don’t ask for anything. It says my care lives in gestures, not performances. In presence, not pressure. In quiet noticing, not loud declarations. It says I’m the kind of person who makes things easier without making it obvious.

Good job Atiqah. And I would have done it regardless who the other person is.

Everyone else was having breakfast except us. As he said something about his work, I watched his side profile from a side glance.

His sharp jaw with side beard freshly trimmed. His eyes focused on his laptop. His hoodie unzipped showing his navy shirt, black pants, grey ankle socks and the brown shoes he wore yesterday. He looked so handsome and I was barely listening to him. I smiled softly to myself and wondered if someone saw me that time, would they see the adoration in my eyes.

I turned to stare back ahead. I opened ChatGPT and told it about this.

“… Poor emotional response though but a pretty face nevertheless.”

Chat responded: That line carries such self-awareness. You’re not fooled—you see the mismatch. You’re not saying, “He’s perfect.” You’re saying, “He’s beautiful. But beauty isn’t enough.” And that’s growth. You’re seeing clearly now. And in that clarity, you’re slowly setting yourself free.

I busied myself with finding a rental place and trying to call PPUM IT as he worked. Hasnida texted me saying they’re taking farewell MO pictures again at Radiology. I stood up and told him. “I’ll see you in a bit. Can I leave my stuffs with you?”

“Sure thing.” And I left to Radiology to take pictures with the girls. By the time I returned they were almost starting. I turned to him.

“Sitting in front?”

“I’m gonna sit at the far back.”

I nodded expectantly before taking my place in the third row but directly facing the presenter.

The talk was enlightening. Up to my interest in writing. I engaged with the speaker and shared my side of things. During lunch time, I turned around to chat with Kak Afifah our Gen 5 ASU senior who is doing parallel program in Ophthalmology, with my eyes on him with his hoodie zipped to his neck, focused on his laptop. After everyone else has seated down with their lunch, Kak Afifah stood up and I joined her.

I watched his eyes never leaving his laptop. “Hannan, makan.”

“Japgi.”

I grinned to myself and ate with Kak Afifah. By the time I finished my plate, he wasn’t in his seat. I took mom’s prepared food and inspected how good it looked, but I’m too full. I pulled my phone out and called Syukri.

”Mana kau.”

”Klinik. Nak mari tolong? Patient ramai lagi.”

”Tak mau. Bye.”

I took the Tupperware and headed to Syukri. We chatted a bit as he finished his patient. About Mr. Fadli leaving Likas, about Mr. Mughni, how Ms. Haz accepted his plan to do Paed posting there, how he’s going back to HSA next month. Good for him. I then passed him the Tupperware and asked him to finish it for me and return it by this evening lest mom disown me.

I was back in my seat throwing Panadols and chocolate in because I started my period, while chatting with the speaker. I think the hall more or less were listening on. We completed the course early and I stayed in my seat, unsure what now, so I pulled my phone out and called PPUM again.

Then I saw him walking to the table upfront to return their books and he stood waiting for me. I followed him quietly, my phone still ringing.

“Are you done with your slides?”

”Sikit lagi.” He grinned softly. I nodded, my phone still ringing. We walked together in silence, me keeping on calling, probably trying to avoid the discussion as to where are we going now. I’m sure he wants to finish his slides first, since he needed to send it to the CME committee tomorrow. And I’m not bringing up his suggestion of meeting-up. I won’t. PPUM IT was not answering me, so I called Syukri who picked up almost immediately as the elevator door opened and we stepped in.

“Siap dah appendix?” I asked without any pleasantries. “Kau kat OT lagi ke? Malasnya aku nak ke sana… Esok aku ambil bekas dari kau. Jangan buat tak ingat. Bye.”

I stood behind him as I hung up the phone. I explained the phonecall to him and then I asked him. “Were you paying attention to the course?”

”I wasn’t.” He grinned and I chuckled. “But you seem interested in it.” Which I was.

He murmured where to go now, since we didn’t need to punch out. “It’s still too early to go back, but I don’t want to go back to Radio.”

“You can work on it at home, yeah?”

”Yeah but I kesian my aunt balik nanti.”

”You’re still carpooling? I thought you selalu balik lambat.” I looked back ahead. “I’ll probably go home.”

“Where did you park today? You didnt park at your usual place.”

How observant of him. I quietly watched him before I told him my car has been at the mechanic for a full service since Saturday and I’ve been getting rides from my mom.

As we walked out from the hospital, he asked if I’m going home now. I said yeah, just about to call my mom.

“I’ll send you back.”

I smiled at him, bumping into him. “You will?”

”Yeah.”

”Thank you.” I stared at the sky. “This will be my second time in your car.” I left probably the last unspoken.

“Where do you live?”

“Off Jalan Bayam. Not on your way.”

We bumped into Kak Sasa on the way to his car and I waved at her. She had her mask on so I’m not sure what face she was making.

We talked comfortably in the car. He mentioned how he should get someone to see his slides but he wasn’t sure whom. “Dr. Fai will say okay to anything. She told me to just use Dr. Ashekin’s last slides.”

”Did you?”

”Of course not.”

I laughed. “There’s Hannan standard-“

He chuckled softly. “I really hate presenting. I have stage fright.”

”Just don’t put too much words. I’ll come and see you.”

”Don’t. Please no.”

”I have to come now that I know you’re presenting. I also want the prizes. Aren’t you going to tell me the quiz answers?”

He laughed me off.

I gave him direction to home. We spoke comfortably. He asked why we’re not using PECAN score and Alvarado score, so I gave my reasonings.

As we entered the junction to Taman Muttaqin, he recalled he came over once. I told him yeah back in 2019, that was the last we ever threw an occasion at home. He asked how long we’ve lived here, and I told him we’ve lived here since I was 10.

“So 25 years.”

“So it’s bought?”

“Yeah. Dad’s been working here since 1993, and he got the exco to sign it. The exco lives just behind here.”

“Is your IC 03?”

“Haha it’s 14.”

“Are your siblings born here?”

”The fourth is. And our two youngest.”

He remembered the house at least. As he dropped me off, I scrambled for the keys. Probably delaying on purpose. I turned to get a good look at him and smiled my gratitude.

“Thank you, for everything.”

He smiled back, both hands on the wheel. “I’ll see you.”

”Some day.”

“There’s still time for another meet-up. Tomorrow, Wednesday, before you leave on Thursday.”

I paused as I smiled at him. It’s cute that he wants to meet-up when I’ve long said my farewell to him when I gave him that OT cap. That he thinks I’ll make time for him. I didn’t tell him I have Wednesday lunch and tea booked with other people.

“Thank you.” My tone a little resigned. I hope he reads I’m being warm, open and present. I’m receiving his gesture as it is. If he wants to meet up, let it be his effort and intention.

I closed his car door gently.

25052025 - Someday, one day

Saturday night he texted me asking “When is your last day in KB?” I only read it on Sunday morning and chose not to reply. Knowing I might meet him when I go over to Radio for the party that day since Dr. Fairos personally invited me to and he might ask in person, but if I didn’t meet him then that’s it.

And yes, he saw me and the first thing he asked me was that. The first thing I noticed was how our colour matched, his mustard with my light brown. I told him my last working day will be the day after tomorrow.

“We should go out soon.”

I replied after a split second and answered wistfully. “Someday. One day.”

He looked at me but I didn’t look at him. “How about tomorrow? After work. I have a course tomorrow.”

I also have a course tomorrow so I asked him what course he’s going and surprised it is the same course I’m attending.

What a nice surprise. I looked straight ahead and purposely stepped away from him, letting Dr. Nik Shah stood in between us.

After the gift event, I slowly made my way to the pantry for the food. He was at the table, gesturing for me. I didn’t immediately move to him, instead I unloaded the chocolates I brought. Then I stood near him and he took my gift bag, putting it behind him.

“Why?” I didn’t understand this gesture.

“Take a seat.”

And I did. We talked amidst everyone else taking their food. What was it about, I forgot by now. We stood and took our food, and he mentioned he’s presenting hospital CME on Thursday.

“You are? I’ll come before I drive off to KL.”

“Eh don’t come.”

“I have to now that I know you’re presenting.”

Dr. Fairos asked us to ate in front of her, but the table was all girls so he chose to sat at the other table with the boys. I sat in front of Dr. Fairos and layaned her.

He finished his meal first and I didn’t even realise he went out. Hasnida came and asked me to join them in the MO room and I followed soon after her. Saw him walking alone as I turned the corner and I waved at him.

“Bye Hannan.” And I left to follow Hasnida.

There’s a heavy pit in my stomach at the prospect of going out with him tomorrow, if he insisted. I’m doing well detaching, and he’s reaching out now. Because I’m leaving? He’s almost as tender as when we were at Kak Madi’s and we know how that ended.

Let me go quietly, please.

14052025 was the last day I wanted to see you

First time I asked him out on 26/12/2020

Confessed on 27/12/2020

He picked me up roadside HTA on 02/03/2022

09/03/2024 I was hurt by him taking lightly of my feelings for him

31/12/2024 he came to Anggerik to find me

Worked with him from 06/03/2025

We went as each other’s company to Kak Madi’s raya open house 11/04/2025

He asked me out for a “session” at Yoohoo on 17/04/2025

I told him my last day as his Radiology MO on 08/05/2025

We met with Myny at The Layers KB on 09/05/2025

I gave him the OT cap on 14/05/2025. Can’t remember what exactly I handwritten him, but I remembered

… thank you for letting me into your space… I’ll always wish you well in every aspect of your life.

He texted me in reply

“Atiqah, thank you for the gift & sandwiches. You’re so thoughtful. And kind. Keep being you. May Allah ease everything for you.”

Three days after that, on 17/05/2025, this emotionally delayed person excitedly texted me a picture of the OT cap glowing on his CPU in his dark room.

It glows 🤣 And I kinda wondering what’s the purpose of glowing in the dark. Even surgical pun don’t do surgeries in complete darkness kan 😆

But I love it. Thank you Atiqah

I dah brag to my friends - Hilmi & Zahin 🤣

My chest rumbled knowing Hilmi and Zahin knows what I did. But I didn’t drag the conversation.

Last day as Radiology medical officer

I had good memories in HRPZ as a house officer. 

Coming back here as a trainee on deferral, I was treated like shit. And Radio saved me. And now the shit is cutting my time short and hauling me back. 

If this was a relationship, everyone would have told me to run and cut off ties from this bullshit. Yet everyone, including you, are advising me to go back and finish my term. 

I think you underestimate how much being in Radio HRPZ means to me. But that's okay, I hope you never have to feel like this. I hope you will always be appreciated and the world always be kind to you. 

Watch me cry as I tell ChatGPT I’m frustrated

It sounds like you’re carrying a massive weight on your shoulders—years of work, expectations, setbacks, and now a sense of disillusionment with the very path you dedicated yourself to. The frustration isn’t just about the thesis; it’s about feeling forced into a system that seems indifferent to your struggles, one that has pushed you to the point where even finishing feels meaningless.

You’ve worked hard for this—since 2017 in paediatric surgery, pushing through your master’s since 2021, dealing with a broken hand, and then being treated like an inconvenience instead of a person who needed a break. It’s no wonder you feel like you’re questioning everything. When the system itself feels unfair, when you’re exhausted and resentful, when even your reasons for staying (the RM350K penalty) feel more like shackles than motivation, it’s hard to see why you should keep going.

But here’s the thing—maybe right now, the point isn’t about passion or duty or some grand purpose. Maybe it’s just about getting yourself out of this hole in the least painful way possible. Quitting might seem tempting, but the penalty is brutal. Finishing your thesis and getting through the program might not feel meaningful now, but at least it keeps your options open.

You don’t have to love paediatric surgery right now. You don’t even have to see yourself doing it long-term. Maybe you just finish this because it gets you out with the least damage. And maybe after that, you reassess—where you want to be, what actually makes you happy, and whether this path still fits.

You’re not weak for feeling this way. You’re not wrong for being angry and drained. But you’re also not stuck forever. There’s a way through this, even if it’s just one frustrating step at a time.

Why is everything so frustrating

Because you’ve been fighting for so long, and it feels like nothing is going the way it should.

You’ve spent years pushing through—through training, through expectations, through injury, through people making decisions about your life without considering what you actually need. And after all that, instead of feeling like you’re moving forward, you’re stuck in a situation where the only choices feel like forced survival rather than true progress.

It’s frustrating because you’ve sacrificed so much, and yet the system, the people in power, even the timeline of your own goals—none of them seem to care about what you actually want or need. You were supposed to be closer to the finish line, but instead, you’re here, exhausted, questioning if any of this is even worth it.

It’s also frustrating because you do care. If you didn’t, none of this would matter. But you’ve put too much of yourself into this journey to just walk away without it hurting.

Right now, everything feels like a burden instead of a purpose—and that’s what’s breaking you.

Is there a way to not feel like this anymore? 

There is, but it won’t be instant. Right now, you’re deep in exhaustion and frustration, and no quick fix will erase that overnight. But there are steps to pull yourself out of this place, little by little.

1. Detach from the Expectations That Are Weighing You Down

Right now, everything feels like a burden because it’s all tied to what you should be doing—finishing the thesis, completing the program, getting through exams, and living up to what others expect. Instead of focusing on that, shift the focus to what will help you function and feel okay in the present.

For now, don’t think about the whole thesis. Just think about one small step. Don’t think about the whole program. Just focus on what gets you through this week.

2. Find Something That’s Just for You

Everything in your life has been about your career, obligations, and external expectations. No wonder you feel empty. What is something that has nothing to do with medicine, nothing to do with proving anything to anyone? It can be something tiny—writing, reading, exercising, learning a new skill, even watching a show that makes you feel good. Just something that reminds you that you exist beyond this system.

3. Create an Exit Plan (Even If You Don’t Use It)

The thought of being trapped is making everything worse. Even if you don’t act on it now, it might help to map out:

• If you did leave, what would be your options?

• Is there any way to lessen the RM350K penalty (e.g., deferral, negotiation)?

• If you finished this program, could you take a break or pivot to something else?

Just knowing you have a way out—even if you don’t take it—can reduce the feeling of suffocation.

4. Talk to Someone Who Gets It (or at Least Someone Who Cares)

You’ve been carrying this alone. Even if you don’t want to burden your friends, you deserve a space to say all this out loud—without judgment, without someone just telling you to “hold on” without understanding why it’s so hard. Whether it’s a friend, mentor, therapist, or even just someone who’s been through a similar struggle, letting it out can make it feel less heavy.

5. Accept That It’s Okay to Not Love This Anymore

You’re not failing because you’re tired. You’re not weak because you’re questioning everything. You’ve been through a lot. It makes complete sense that you’re exhausted and disillusioned. This feeling won’t last forever, but for now, give yourself permission to not have it all figured out. Just focus on surviving today, and tomorrow will come when it comes.

I’m in Radiology now, as a refugee. Dreading to go back in campus. What do you suggest I do?

Since you’re dreading going back, the goal isn’t to force yourself to be excited about it—but to make the transition less painful and give yourself something to hold on to. Here’s what I’d suggest:

1. Use Radiology as a Reset

Right now, you’re in an environment where you can just be—no one has past expectations of you, and you’re learning something new. Use this time to recharge, even just mentally. Instead of dreading what’s next, focus on what radiology gives you now:

• Enjoy learning sonography without pressure.

• Appreciate meeting new colleagues who don’t have preconceived ideas about you.

• Let yourself exist outside the weight of paeds surgery, even if just for these two months.

If you can leave radiology feeling like you’ve gained something—rather than just seeing it as a break before you’re thrown back into the fire—it might make returning feel less suffocating.

2. Plan for the Bare Minimum, Not Perfection

Instead of thinking, How do I survive a whole year of paeds surgery? break it into What’s the absolute minimum I need to do to get through the first week? You don’t have to be perfect, love the process, or even be highly motivated. You just need to take it one small, manageable step at a time.

If it helps, try reframing it as a transaction rather than a life-defining decision: I need to get through X months, do Y things, and then I can be free to decide what’s next.

3. Give Yourself Something to Look Forward To

Right now, paeds surgery feels like a trap—but what if you set up something to look forward to while going through it? This could be:

• A small personal goal (e.g., improving a non-medical skill, planning a short trip, or just having a series to binge).

• A change in environment (e.g., finding a small routine that makes your campus life easier).

• A light at the end of the tunnel (e.g., telling yourself, Once I submit my thesis, I’ll take a well-deserved break).

Having something outside of medicine to hold onto can make it less overwhelming.

4. Redefine What Success Means for This Year

Right now, it feels like you’re dragging yourself through this degree because of the RM350K penalty and because people tell you to finish it. But what would success look like for you—on your own terms? Maybe it’s just:

• Finishing the thesis without burning out completely.

• Passing the final exams, even if you’re not giving 100%.

• Getting through the year in a way that preserves your well-being, even if that means coasting where necessary.

You don’t have to love it. You just have to get through it in a way that doesn’t destroy you.

5. Figure Out Your Escape Plan (Even If You Don’t Use It)

If you ever do feel like you can’t continue, is there a way out?

• Could you take another deferral or change tracks?

• Would there be any way to negotiate the RM350K penalty if you left?

• If you did finish, would there be an alternative path you could take afterward?

Even if you don’t act on this, just knowing you have a choice can make you feel less trapped.

Final Thought

You don’t have to love paeds surgery. You don’t even have to feel strongly about finishing. But if you do finish, let it be on your terms—not just because of external pressure. If it’s about survival at this point, then let’s make it the easiest survival possible. One step at a time, no unnecessary suffering.

Of grey hairs and chickens

1- I found my first ever grey hair! It’s not where I thought it would be… Almost late to work because of this.

—

2- I saw a roaster crossing the road towards a chicken butcher stall and I thought of “why did the chicken cross the road” joke before snorting to myself.

—

3- He had a procedure in OT and texted me “wanna follow?” And in my head was “aww I wanna hang out with you too” but I got real and a jumble of excuses:

1) There are two MOs in OT already

2) I do not want the awkwardness of meeting the team

3) I didn’t bring my OT attire. Would you like me to escort you to OT, kind sir?

I figured he didn’t want to get lost on his way to OT thus the invite.

He pulled out some items to bring and fished out his OT cap from his bag. Cue me surprised.

“How frequent do you masuk OT that you have your own OT cap?” Even surgeons don’t do this.. but then again we don’t cause we are too busy and like the convenience of disposable attires.

“IR pakai cap dekat suite.”

Mr. Fancy Cap whose belt matches his shoes. And came to work with a haircut today after my silent gesture yesterday. I noticed too many details for this to be healthy.

—

4- After he was done, and I have seen the op note of attempting 8 times with 4 yields of renal biopsy, he returned and grinned awkwardly at me.

“I wasn’t successful.”

I looked surprised. What do you mean? “I saw the op note-“

“I mean about my appeal. I have to go to Lahad Datu.”

Oh dear. I’m sorry to hear that.

He asked me where I stayed in Lahad Datu and I told him, and he said he planned to stay at the kuarters so he didn’t need to bring his car.

Of course I suggested him against it. Someone jumped to their death between the Radio building and the ward block when I was there and the kuarters berhantu la, you nak stay sorang? Nanti you nangis.

I told him he will need his car for travelling out because he is bound to get bored there, also discussed with him the option of flying out from LD.

And then he said “Aku tak nak pergi sebenarnya.”

“Okay so that’s long- I mean mid term plan. Let’s focus on your short term plan first.”

Idk what he needs but there I was brainstorming with him what’s next.

I guess the easiest will be to lapor diri anyway. Our system sucks and he just needs to gazette and then he can go to private. He doesn’t mind the money at the expense of delaying his gazettement.

So he’s gonna call BPL (or whatever) to see if delaying by two weeks gets him into the trial new system gazetting. If it does, then he wouldn’t delay.

He’s gonna meet his HOS this Wednesday, who happens to be in town, to which I asked rhetorically “what difference will it make?”. He nodded, but gonna try so good luck, darling.

Plan A - delay by two weeks to help his dad

Plan B - report duty on time and ask for cuti to help his dad

Plan C - apply to HUSM. He said people suggested him against that, to which I said “working environment is more or less the same..”

He said he’ll just quit to which I, this hypocrite, replied “Make that your Plan Z. If you quit now you’re just an MO. You can’t gazette in private. Sikit lagi, Hannan.”

I was already contacting my people for car shipping quotation and rentals.

—

5- It was 2pm and Cutest Boy In The Department was performing a procedure but Azim scrubbed in first, where I asked

“Tak pakai gown eh.” In an innocent tone.

“Ada orang pakai. Aku tak pakai sebab panas. Tapi ikut infection control kena pakai.”

“Ya sebab sterile procedure kan.”

He came and started scrubbing in and noticed the blue gown prepared for him. Azim helpfully mentioned how I have been telling them off regarding their sterility compliance.

“Some tempat kena pakai cap sekali.”

“Ya correct, sterile procedure kena pakai cap. You have your OT cap kan.”

He grinned and put them on.

—

6- As he was cool puncturing the patient and his eyes fixed on the screen, I contemplated about taking a picture of him in his glory. But maybe not. Too many eyes watching.

Then he said, his eyes still on the screen. “Remember when we first met?”

What is this idiot doing?

“We first met when I was tagging in Medical Male ward, where you’re the just-off-tagged HO being our only senior.”

“Stab PD,” he grinned.

I grinned too. “Yup, that.”

I clearly remember few things from my HOship.

1) He has always have that puffy voluminous hair since I first met him. He is thinner now, otherwise he is physically the same. Oh and he has grey hair now.

2) He was the only non tagging HO when I started tagging in Medical, who just happened to offtag few days prior. He basically taught me everything I know.

3) He taught us stab PD one late afternoon. I had one occasion of referring a perforated bowel to Dr. Adham (now surgeon in HSIP) who wasn’t amused when every question he asked me was replied with “As I documented-“ in prefix.

4) I was at the counter and clearly remember the sight of him pushing his patient’s bed to the acute cubicle before I joined him.

5) I had a difficult IV line in a pakcik who told me off for calling him “ayah” but he was soooo nice to this charming boy who attended my call for help. I bitterly told him to jadi anak angkat that pakcik.

6) He is so jonah the king was once admitted when he was oncall.

—

7- It was almost 5pm when we finished our work for the day. I looked at him.

“Are you going home wearing that?”

He grinned. He was still wearing his OT cap.

—

8- Purposely killed the time near the carpark texting surgeon about a case. He walked in with a slightly older looking lady and two Surgical MOs.

When they saw me, I noted how he said I was with him all day. Then Mat Syuk greeted me saying now he can request CT scan at his whim.

“Anything for you,” I replied dryly before saying no I don’t take requests.

He grinned at me.. kinda awkwardly? It occurred to me that I have used that line on him, but I mean it when I said that. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that to Mat Syuk. “Boleh bah kalau kau” sounds better to use with Mat Syuk although they mean the same thing.

Then as we walked, it split into him and the lady and me two meters apart from Mat Syuk and his friend, Mat Syuk chatting as usual.

But my eyes were on the people in front of me. They were close, too close. Their fingers were brushing. She has to be family. He once told me he was waiting for his aunt to go home together, could this be her? Do families walk so close together their fingers brushed?

They totally ignored me though I walked two meters behind them, crossing the road, towards the same carpark.. I had enough. I hang around back for five seconds before I resumed walking to my car.

Refugee kind of situation. I need all the kindness in the world as I learn to be kind to myself

Actually today is my second day in the new department. The cutest boy has been looking for me since Day 1, when he burst through the door of my unit after hearing from the HOD that I am there for attachment. And then he left. And then he came back again to take a photographic evidence of me “invading his territory”.

I’m like, “I won’t trouble you” repeated twice. I didn’t tell him I was coming. Well, I should though, since we’re friends? But my presence here was preceded by drama. And I’m not in a good state of mind now. I know he was joking when he said invading territory but when you’re a refugee, that kinda hits hard.

At noon he came to visit and noticed I was standing and told me to take a seat. It just so happens I have been on my feet since morning and I was like, why was it him who pointed this out? Thank you for caring. He is a good friend.

I exited the door at 4pm and met him coming back in.

“Not going home yet?”

“Got a few reports to settle. See, Radio isn’t that chill, right?”

“Yeah you guys are swamped. At least you guys in HRPZ. Bye.”

I saluted him and walked out.

Close to iftar he texted me about the absurdity of my situation and I feel like, I need to talk to him about this otherwise he won’t let this go. Goodness I want to disappear.

Today I peeked and saw he was chatting with a colleague at his station so I didn’t greet him. He was earlier than 8am. I went to my station and sat there looking through some patient’s files when he suddenly popped out beside me in his big smile, took a seat on my right and chatted away, continuing from the text and about one patient he rejected CT scan after the USG done on Thursday. I gave my surgical point of view for that case as to why I think he could have been better at helping managing the patient, to which he sheepishly said he’ll pass over to the oncall person better next time.

And then he started talking about some colleagues and my thoughts were

Honey I think I busted my right eardrum doing idk what some time ago, and so I can’t hear that well on my right especially when you’re talking to me in a voice meant for only me to hear. I had to scoot closer but this station is dark and you’re the cutest boy so please have mercy on me. I don’t know how to handle shit life thrown at me and now you’re here.

In the evening he passed through my station when I was suturing up the drain for one patient. He stopped to say hi but I continued on suturing, sorry honey this patient has low tolerance I need to close him up fast. By the time I was done, he was back at his station.

And he passed in front of our station going out. I was sitting behind his colleagues but I know his salute was to me because his eyes were on me. His colleague asked why was he going back so early and he said he took the 7.30am-4.30pm option. I thought to myself, that’s why he was early today. So.. do I come to work at 7.30am tomorrow onwards?

I noticed his hair was puffy on one side so I silently made a gesture to brush up his right side and he brushed it as I gestured. It was.. cute. I’m fucked.

Now that I’m writing this.. why was he at our door when he walked out? Why did he use that exit? He could have punched out and straight used the front entrance because that’s where the box is.. So why did he made the detour?

Did I tell you this morning he said we’ll talk more again tomorrow because he’ll be in my unit tomorrow? Now I’m getting cold feet. Can I not come to work tomorrow? Idk how to deal with this. I’m afraid I will disappoint him work-wise, pretty boy has really high work standard and I’m a listless plankton invading his territory.

Good God, I have no will left.

Baiting an archer

Kaki dan badan straight macam menghadap kiblat

Pandang ke target 90 degree

Tangan semuanya lurus

Bow straight

Arrow di bawah penanda

Never shoot an empty bow

Tangan kiri genggam dengan tiga jari paling bawah, knuckle makes a Y shape

Forearm at axis between supine and pronate

Push motion

Tangan kanan pull the string with your middle three fingers

At the first phalanges

Pull until it reaches the corner of your mouth

Close your left eye

Aim at the target

Wait for 5 seconds to stabilise your tremors

Use the gap technique if your aim is off

Release as if tali putus

Use your elbow

Followthrough until your ear

Ustaz Azhan said, archery is sunnah. The only sport Prophet ever mention. Hadith stated anyone who prepare, pass, shoot an arrow dapat pahala. And the distance to pick up your shot arrows are like raudhah, “Jadi doa la banyak2 masa kutip tu.”

Baiting has been me posting on stories. And he took the bait. Asked me where I went. He said he last went for archery back in KL.

We chatted and I asked “How good are you?”

He replied with a picture of a target which yellow part was filled to brim with arrows, and a smug face.

Apparently he did archery in secondary school. But damn this is elite level. I saluted and bowed to him. “Remind me not to mess with you.”

All in all, it’s quite therapeutic. Just focus and shoot. They used archery as therapy for dyslexic kids, perhaps that’s why this has been therapeutic. The only barely sore part is my phalanges.

HRPZ team dinner with Mr Yusof who ‘secretly’ came to do a neuroblastoma case in HUSM

Ex HOS while looking at me: You all kena pursue Paed Vascular surgery la. Pergi USA sana center dia all paed surgeon.

Me: Beres boss. Lepas tu saya buka Paed Vascular center dekat Bachok, rumah saya tepi pantai haaa. Saya tak nak duduk KL.

Ex HOS tarik muka. I replied with a shit-eating grin.

Current HOS: Okay nanti awak lulus exam, awak ulang balik apa awak cakap ni. Boleh diatur.

Ex HOS: Make sure kat situ nanti ada Nephrologist juga.

Me internally: Atiqoh big talk balik rumah sambung tidur.

Goodbye 2024. Today I’m with my favourite people

I started working back in HRPZ on Sunday 29/12/24 and since knowing he's here, I've been counting the days if I will ever see him. 

Day 1, 29/12/24 - I met Dr. Nik Nas, who gushed out:

1st: "Eh awak balik gazette sini ko?"

2nd: "Awak bila nak kahwin?"

I quickly changed topic to "Haritu saya lalu depan rumah Dr. Nik Nas tak nampak dah kereta Merc, ingatkan pindah."

Day 2, 30/12/24 - met the Paeds team when they invited us to some party in the morning. 

Dr. Rozitah the neonatologist who came up to up, gave me a shoulder hug amd multiple pats "Anak dara kita ni!"

Dr. Khanisa my specialist who smiled kindly and asked how dad is doing. 

Dr. Haslizawati the paediatrician in-charged of my tagging in Ward 4 who advised me when I was late in clerking and managing a patient, the high expectation made me cry in the toilet on Day 2 Of Life in Paeds. 

Matron Noriah "ni la dulu2 lepas sekolah duduk dekat ofis ayah dia."

SR Normah "mak ayah sihat? Lama tak jumpa mak dekat masjid." Hahaha they're busy mengasuh anak sorang ni. 

In the evening we went to Radio to discuss a CT scan and I met

Abang Ambe who is doing floating 3 months before placement in HUS. He was talking to my surgeon and though I never talked to him in my Cairo life, I straight up waved and said "Saiful Amri" like we're friends. Hahaha. "Saya Atiqah, junior Cairo." Like that meant anything. Only later did I remember we're actually friends on FB. 

And from afar I saw Bun Suami Lin so I broke off from rounds, walked up to him who didn't see me, gave his shoe a light kick and said "Hi. Bye." And Bun was like "Hey Tiqah, okay dah tangan?" I totally expected Lin to have told him he'll see me around.

I wondered if I will see him there, but I'm left behind by the rounds already so I had to run. 

Round continued to Ward 5 where I saw Dr. Shamsul Bahari and I waved "Hi Dr. Sham!"

"Eh Tiqah!"

What kind of a troublemaking HO was I to be remembered by name by my MOs? Haha. 

Day 3, 31/12/24 - Department meeting so I expected to introduce myself. 

"Salam, saya Nur Atiqah Mohd Hanifah, panggil Atiqah. Saya master student Paed Surgery tahun 4, akan posting di sini 6 bulan inshaAllah. Sebelum ni saya houseman di sini 9 tahun lepas, lepas tu MO di Sabah 4 tahun di Kota Kinabalu dan Lahad Datu. Terima kasih."

Mr. Zuraimi was like "Saya kenal dah budak ni."

Later we met again in OT and he said he saw my car in the morning and was like "budak ni balik Kelantan dah ke."

In OT I met Kak Zahirah and Kak Anis. And later I heard a familiar bubbly so fast voice and it was no other but Shasha!

I ran up to her as she was entering the scrub room and we hugged, I patted her back with my bad hand eagerly hahaha. She asked why am I here. 

"I broke my hand! Why are you here?"

"I'm second year master."

I paused for a second remembering how we dreaded joining the program and longed the chill life before I broke into the longest laughter I could remember. 

"Look at us now!"

—

I was staying back in ward for an intussusception admission, and I kept seeing this HO who somehow reminded me of him. I was going from the cubicle to the counter to the cubicle back to the counter, when I looked up and saw someone grinning at me from the hallway near the patient's cubicle. 

It was him. 

"That's my favourite person!" I said to anyone who would listen as I shot up running towards him. 

I greeted his name with a grin under my mask. "Kau buat apa sini!"

"Aku cari kau."

"Kau oncall ke? Aku ada kes intus untuk kau!"

He said he just wanted to see me, and now he has to go back because his aunt is waiting to go back with him. I walked with him to the ward door and he was like are you otw back too? No, I just wanna open the door for you, as I opened the door for him and took a good look at him. 

He looked calmer. Not as bubbly charismatic he was when we were HO nor during the last time I met him during my first year in HTA. He was calmer now. And noticeably

"Kau nampak kurus. Kau makan tak?"

"10kg turun."

"Kau sakit ke?"

"Tak la."

"Intentional?"

"Ya."

We chatted in the hallway, on either side of the wall as anyone walked through us. He was going to leave but I wanted to chat because God knows I'll get this chance again. 

"Parents kau sihat?"

Heck I've never met them but hey. He told me his dad has ESRD and refusing dialysis, so he was here to get a referral letter for his dad that Syuk wrote for him. He was uremic, intubated for APO in May or so and he brought him to somewhere in KL but he refused dialysis. 

"Sedihnya.. Sekarang dia dekat rumah la kan?"

"Yeah. Sebab tu aku appeal. At least duduk semenanjung."

"Yeah.. kau tinggal dengan parents la kan sekarang?"

And then my patient came wheeled in between us. I had to follow them. He followed to, until Radio. Where his colleague asked why was he here and he said he was going back when he met me, his "kawan" and now he's going back. 

At least I'm not "orang kampung" anymore. I told him I'll see him again, and then I went to attend my patient. 

10102024 - When in the program, there’s no such thing as personal’s principle when faced against superior’s hand

"You're a very opinionated person, you're straightforward. Sometimes rigid. I agree with a lot of your opinion. It's your personality. Part of who you are. It's a good trait. Keep that. 

You just need to be careful about it. Be smart who you talk to. Not everyone is your friend. This world is like that, it's not fair. People talk behind each other, they backstab. 

I was like you when I was undergraduate, but you're in Master program now. I learned it early. You, a little delayed maturity. 

When you talk to patient, you have to speak with more emphaty and allow them leeway.. to some extend." 

Ms Cheng JQ 

10/10/2024 

I surmised that whatever your principles are, first decide what you want. If you want peace and float along this program, then just do what you're told. Don't voice your opinion unless asked. You can be yourself after the program. 

If you can't handle that, then remember what Ms Haz said. 

Base of right second metacarpal bone with palmaris longus tendonitis. Also fucked up my whole flexors from immobilisation. Do you know your thenar eminence is wasted?

I sustained a fall about a month ago and fractured my dominant hand. I'm taking a break from operating for obvious reason and this ingrate child finally returned home to recuperate. Just throwing it out there in case you see me in Kota Bharu. 

Today I reported duty to HRPZ and the first familiar person I met was this tall person who was one of the best Ortho MO during my time wrecking havoc in HRPZ (read: housemanship). I

I was waiting with a grin as he chatted with some of his staffs. The moment he turned to acknowledge me, I greeted with "Salam Dr. Annas. Ingat saya tak?" 

Dr. Annas Yang Tinggi grinned back and held his hand up. "Talk to the hand." Haven't heard that one in a long while. I broke into a bigger shit-eating grin. Did I tell you Ortho was my favourite posting during HOship? I have no idea why I do Paed Surgery. 

He brought me to his office, where the table cover was glass and the chair was plush. He's the deputy director now, but cue me being the annoying HO, gushing how big his office was and how unfortunately lame the office view was, haha. 

"Macam mana boleh jatuh?" 

"Paip dapur pecah. Jatuh masa mop." 

"Ye ke? Jangan ingat saya tak tahu awak pergi masuk hutan sana sini. Nampak je dekat Facebook tu." 

I know I have high risk behaviours but trust me, I'm very careful with injuries to my hand and perineum. I wear gloves whenever I go trekking, my steps calculated. It would have been cool if I broke my hand boxing the hell out of shit but no, it so happened while I was mopping. 

Per catching up, he suggested I see Mr. Samsuddin in KPJ for my follow up, which I did after settling my formalities. Mr. Din, Allah bless him with more wealth and health, sent me to one of the senior physiotherapist Ikram in HRPZ, who did a good number on me. I was both grateful and head filled with profanities because of him.  

"Esok pukul berapa boleh datang untuk physio?" 

"Bila-bila pun okay. Saya free." 

"Pagi?" 

"Jangan la pagi sangat." 

"Pukul berapa bangun?" 

I laughed out loud. 

Anyhow. I bought canned coffee to give to Ikram tomorrow. I feel like I should buy coffee each time I want to curse a person.

I always wonder if I did not look like a doctor but then again I still wear the same casual outfit

I was walking along the Staff Only Route when an Edgenta staff called out to me. He thought I was sesat so I silently showed my ID while we entered the elevator. 

Staff: Oh staff. Tak nampak ID tadi. HO ke? Atau pharmacist? 

My outfit today was a beige patterned tudung, black cardigan hiding a white tshirt, black hiking sandal, black hiking pants. I wondered if I did not look like a doctor. 

Me: Saya MO. 

Staff: Ohh. Baru ke dekat sini? 

Me: Ya baru 3 bulan. 

Staff: Ramai ya MO baru2. 

I felt the need to assert my dominance. 

Me: Sebab saya sambung belajar. Jadi pindah2 hospital. Ni hospital saya yang ke 5. 

Staff: Ooh. Medical ke?

Me: Surgery.

Elevator stopped at his floor so I eagerly: Bye2.