that time i was a banana in pyjama

Day 1: Sunday April 1st

I was oncall. I remember feeling feverish, generalised malaise that 3pm and spent my free time head slumped over the counter. Fitri was working PM and saw me rummaging the medication trolley and he asked me what I needed.

I need PCM, I told him. I couldn't find them and I gave up. I went to the MO room behind the counter and tried to rest. 

He came in and gave me a whole strip of Uphamol. I grinned. Great stuff that thing, I hate the Paracil we used to have. So I dawned 1g of it and get on to see a referral.

I should have a gap of six hours in between doses but I have to function, I need my malaise to back off and my headache to subside. That night I remember downing another 1g just 3 hours after my last dose because Kamal showed up, wanted me to supervise him a CVL insertion and that gave me a headache because I have two cases waiting for me in ED. I ended abandoning the procedure because it was dragging my time and CVL insertion for TPN was "not my priority tonight".

Day 2: Monday April 2nd 

Postcall. Damn tired. Harith was oncall and clinic was running. I ended up slouching at the counter and left Harith to pick up my leftovers. He was doing a dressing and all I did was sat on the patient's bedside chair and vented how tired I was with Kamal. Harith said he'll talk to him.

I felt bad. I felt I was too harsh with Kamal. I shouldn't use my health as an excuse to be harsh to people. I should be nicer.

We had lunch at Rumpun that day. I didn't even finish half of my food. By the time it was 3pm, I had already taken 6g of PCM.

I think I punched out after Maghrib. I went to my car and slept. I was still so feverish but to rummage my bag for PCM was a hassle, so I decided to sweat it off. Couldn't really sleep but couldn't really drive in that condition either. Fitri was asking about me but I didn't reply him much citing I was still feverish. I conveniently didn't reply when he asked where I was because I was afraid he'll show up and drive me home. I shouldn't impose that much on him. 

I woke up at midnight and felt better a bit. Then my message notification popped up. It was Harith. He was asking what was I doing still at the hospital at midnight. 

Ah. I drove back instead of replying, because I wasn't sure where he was when he saw me. And then I replied him. I told him I had a fever and slept in the car because I was too tired to go back. 

He asked if I was okay. If I need food or something. 

I didn't ate much. But I couldn't really build up the appetite to eat anything. I told him I got home already. Thanks bro. He told me to tell them if I needed anything. Yeah, okay. And after that I replied Fitri's message.

Day 3: Tuesday April 3rd

I woke up at 7.40am feverish and headache. Urgh do I have to work? I know it was viral because all I have was feverish and malaise. Some vague stomach discomfort too but with barely eating, who knows if that was a symptom or a cause? On Day 1 I wanted to check my temperature and asked my staff for it but they said they have to disinfect the thermometer first and I didn't know if they were serious or not but it was too much hassle to further question it, so I didn't. Wouldn't have changed my management, I still needed PCM anyway.

The day schedule ran through my head. It was a Tuesday. We have one elective OT. A tumour case I admitted, my working diagnosis was an obstructed colon cancer but my surgeon said it was a perforated appendix. CT showed I was right. We were proceeding with hemicolectomy KIV stoma today.

So both surgeons will be in OT. Kakak and another one will be in OT. Harith will be postcall, who's oncall? Ah the other one MO left. Nabil still on leave. And me on my bed.

I decided it was safe to come in late today. I texted the team saying I was feverish and will be late today. I punched in at 8.50am that day. Came in and helped Harith did rounds. He knew I was sick and told me to rest. I did my round sitting next to patients and when I was done, I went and sat quietly at the counter.

Both Rayner and Fitri was working the same shift. Rayner was helpful as usual. Then I asked Fitri if he could ask Bed 7 at what time he was NBM and Fitri replied jokingly "Nak tanya dia niat ke tidak?"

I remember telling him I don't joke about work every time he joked back at me when I was asking about work. And now when I was shit tired and he knew I wasn't feeling well so why did he have to do this to me? I sighed and without saying anything walked to the patient myself, hurriedly because I was upset with Fitri and at myself for even depending on him. He chased after me but I ignored his presence and asked the patient myself and I left back to the counter without another glance at him.

I was upset. Stupid Fitri can you not joke about work?

He didn't know I was upset until later that evening when he told me he was feeling feverish too, and I told him it was probably because I was cursing him all day.

Miss Doon finished OT that noon and complained what have we been doing that morning, why didn't we get any accreditation work done. I was silent because her complaints were pounding my head and I took some more PCM. But really, when you're at work you should get work done.

I also snapped how the AM nurses didn't do their job and got dragged to almost half hour before office closing time. What a short tempered day.

Day 4: Wednesday April 4th

I was feeling a bit better and stayed in clinic whole day.

Day 5: Thursday April 5th

It was an OT day and I stayed out, trying to conserve energy because I was going to be oncall the next day. At PM Kamal had a paed perforated appendix and Miss asked me to assess the kid. Yup, perforated. We fluid resuscitated and went in.

Kamal opened it. I assisted. He couldn't fish out the appendix and after multiple attempts and several times holding him back because I was worried the appendix be amputated, I asked him if it was okay for me to take over. He said okay.

And what do you know, it really was amputated. It was actually all macerated. Base wasn't healthy. We ended up calling the surgeon. Miss came and we did hemicolectomy for the kid.

I think we finished around 10 pm. I was tired and effing hungry. Didn't have lunch. I went back and stopped by Red Rose. Took a seat and Fitri texted me to "look forward".

To what, I wondered. He then told to literally look forward and there he was at the farthest end away, with Kamal. He invited me to join their table.

I passed. Told him if he was alone I'll be joining, but I was too tired to deal with Kamal. Ahh writing this I realize I am such a bitch at Kamal, he doesn't deserve all this. I should be kinder.

Anyway I had roti canai kosong and then I left.

Day 6: Friday April 6th

I was oncall. No breakfast per usual and I was nauseated. Like really. I want to retch up. So I bought myself a sausage bun and that helped a bit.

At noon Dija dragged me to lunch at O&G's party something. I had some food but really I wanted to throw up. I finished the meal and went back to 4B where I vomited out every single thing, including the sausage bun.

I was still so nauseated and didn't dare to eat anything. It was a hassle going to the toilet to vomit. I was walking around reviewing patients with a yellow bag in my pocket. Did my PM round with the surgeon and I didn't let on a bit that I wasn't well.

Damn I wasn't well. Not so feverish so I didn't need PCM, but what the hell is this nausea? I wasn't eating so I wasn't vomiting. My stomach hurts. My urine was so dark I was probably dehydrated, I need an IV but I don't want people to see. I laid down most of the evening and thanked God I wasn't so busy. I skipped doing proper documentation for my oncall round and looked forward to postcall the next day.

I had one two cases at ED and went down to see while complaining at the ED MO I was nauseated all day. Of course Pojie suggested a UPT. I went back to 4A, retched in the toilet and went to the counter to get the oncall room's key. I didn't say anything to the nurses, I was too spent.

Day 7: Saturday 7th

Postcall and Harith was oncall. We were doing rounds with Miss Doon while I refrained myself from running to the toilet to retch. Harith had an unstable intraab and hell was the OT that I had to assist. I had a maternal referral that I forgot to show Miss Doon and I got an earful because she found out about the case from her friend the O&G specialist oncall that night. (Anyhow the diagnosis and management was the same as mine).

It was only at 3pm that I excused myself from work. I went to 4A and asked for an IV. Vic didn't dare to poke me because my vein was collapsed and even so she would be trembling to poke a colleague. Harith assessed and said she should be fine. Vic poke but nothing came out, so she surrendered to Rayner.

I gave myself 1 pint NS and tried to sleep in the MO room. Post bolus I didn't feel like peeing so I asked another one. Afterwards my urine were still too yellow and I didn't think much of it. I went home and sleep.

Day 8: Sunday 8th

I woke up with the same too yellow urine and a glimpse at my reflection in the mirror had me do a double take.

What the.. is that jaundice?

Oh shit. Why am I jaundiced? And the urine.. it's not concentrated from dehydration? Is that tea coloured? Oh shit what have I done to myself.

Fitri was asking if I was okay. I told him I think I'm jaundiced and that I'll go to ED later in the noon.

I drove, walked myself. Didn't even prepare for an admission of course. I just wanted to see how's my LFT (shouldn't be that bad right?) and maybe walk out again. The triage MA grinned implying I was well despite a week of illness since I told him I drove myself so I told him I only came today because I was jaundiced.

Chiang assessed me. My tongue was dry so she sent me for an IV. Took my blood and all. Did a bedside scan, my IVC normal but couldn't see my gall bladder at all. 

My counts were not septic. No AKI, no acidosis.

And what do you know, my ALT was 3110. Fuck.

Interviewed by the Inspektor Kesihatan because they sent out Dengue Test thinking I had dengue with transaminitis. IgG positive the rest were negative, keepsake from my Sept 2016 compensated dengue shock with transaminitis.

Arif came while I was blanketed at the Obs Bay. Arif as always, always there when I need help. He was in Peninsular for a course the whole week I wasn't well and I didn't know he was back already. He actually just got back in Lahad Datu that day and went to 4A to give Yana some food she was craving, and Fitri who was working PM told him I was at Obs Bay so he came and checked on me.

"Tiqah, Tiqah. Aku baru tinggal Lahad Datu sekejap." His tone was kind and somewhat pitiful.

He bought me nasi with telur dadar that day but I was too nauseated to eat anything, and he remained diligently sending me breakfast everyday for the rest of my admission. Such a babe this bro. Arif I owe you my sanity and a chunk of my life.

Arif and Fitri saw me again when I was brought up to 5B for admission. They took my grab bag from my boot and left me for the night.

Day 9: Monday 9th

The team stormed me after they did their round. I was on IV, starting on Rocephine. Miss Doon was digging my history and was appalled when she realized I abused PCM. She called up the Radiologist and demanded my USG HBS that dot.

"You puasa?"

"Saya makan sikit breakfast tadi." A piece of bread and Milo.

"Dia makan la pulak.." She complained to the phone. I grinned and shot back "Makan salah, tak makan salah.."

I was so proud of myself that I didn't give any hint to my surgeon that I was unwell the whole week. And mind you she is usually observant and perceptive.

That morning Savin texted me asking how was I doing and I sweatdropped. I asked him what did he hear and that was probably not the right thing to ask, because he then knew something was wrong.

He drove from Beluran afterwards and was scolding me by noon before he accompany me for my USG. I had an acalculous cholecystitis.

Later I took a selfie because Savin Fathni and I reported duty in Sabah together with Imran. So I thought hey why not send this to Imran haha and posted in the Ex HRPZ in Sabah group. Took a selfie and it really downed on my how yellow I am. "Wth gigi aku lagi putih dari mata aku!"

Imran never responded to the picture, but my sweetheart did. He immediately texted me after I send out that selfie but I was a bit slow at replying (because I had company) so he texted Savin as well, who told me to reply "the loverboy faster".

Day 10: Tuesday 10th

I was tired but I need to get out of bed. Savin escorted me to 4B and I settled Paed Surg visiting OT list with my IVD and all, made sure I ate the laksam Arif bought for breakfast and that I drink up. Farah had a field day comparing my yellowness to everything.

That night Hannan sent me a supermoon he caught on camera. "Aku nampak this super bright big orange moon and it reminds me of you haha"

He was talking about that time I drove back from Semporna and saw the biggest orangest moon ever and I texted him while driving to go look out his window. He couldn't see the moon from his place that time though.

Writing this, I guess he was just a worried friend. Maybe I have a tiny bit of space in his orbit. He was not, as Savin used, a "loverboy". We used to read the same book but at different chapters with me ahead of you and you gave me one of the best time of my life. But I've let you go.

Thank you for remembering me, you'll always be a sweetheart to me.

Day 11: Wednesday 11th

Aslamiah brought me dinner while Arif and Fitri came and we played poker on my bed hahahaha. I guess that's it for me, the girls will think something is up.

Anyhow I floored them! I really did! Also Nicole was oncall and made few stops to discuss cases with me. I felt useful. She also played a round of cards with us and floored us in that one round.. She's something.

I also got an earful from Kak Elli from only now telling her of my admission.

Fitri and Benny came after Benny's PM shift ended. Benny poked me but didn't get a line. Fitri poked me a green one at my left cubital and it hurt a lot. I endured, but I couldn't sleep at all because I had to keep my arm fully extended.

I was counting seconds until my 6am Rocephine.

Day 12: Thursday 12th

I pulled my line off.

Mom arrived that evening and Hanan, Aslamiah and Laila were entertaining her. Laila inserted a new line for me for my Day 5 Rocephine cm. Mom rested at my place that night.

Day 13: Friday 13th

Day 5 of Rocephine and please please let me go home. The bed is too hard, the pillow will break my C2.

And I was discharged. I shouldn't be discharged yet but we were having COVID-19 cases and they need to let well-er patients go back. Dr Dina said she trusted me to take care of myself and I nodded. I have mom.

I had Hepatitis A with acalculous cholecystitis. And I get a new friend in the form of Kak Betty my Bed 19 neighbour.

I was on MC until 23rd. I didn't do any calls the rest of March.

fujioka

After last night's post, somehow I remember I used to be so close with Aiyad. One time we were talking about Minami-ke and how similar I was to Kana and then he said

"Satu hari aku harap kau jumpa Fujioka kau"

Or so was his word. 

I hope so. Allahumma, aku nak kahwin tahun ni. Tunjukkan aku kepada jodohku. Allahumma ameen. 

fma brotherhood

Over the weekend I stumbled upon FMA Brotherhood on Netflix and it was the best decision ever.

I've finished all 64 episodes. I hated Ed naivety and Winry at point uselessness and applauded the adults for doing what needed to be done. 

Then I realised the kids naivety was a lesson for them to grow. And Ed grew. Winry wasn't so useless after all. 

It's a story of family. And communication is vital. Hohenheim should have communicated with his sons from earlier on, but I guess he didn't want to burden them. But you need to communicate nevertheless. 

Ed and Al are lucky because they have each other. They always have each other. 

So yeah. Everyone need another significant other. I agree. Totally agree. Whatever the label is, you need a significant other. 

But don't go looking for something you don't have. Just be happy with what you have. And you'll find it in time, God's will.

One of these days I'm going back to Japan. Solo trip, let's do it. And get a pair named Haru to Hayate. 

take care babe

Today Kuala Krai had their first COVID death and I immediately thought of you.

You, dispatched from your post and serving as a 12 hour shift MO in a COVID positive ward. When you first told me that, my heart sunk a bit. And I told you flippantly to take good care of yourself. When in actual I wanted to cry. I was there still tired and in MC while most of my beloved closest friends are serving in the COVID team.

So I texted you. 

"H***** take care"

Just that. No expectations. We both know how we felt. Though mine, probably evolving towards acceptance of a forever platonic one. I wish I'm married so that I can let go of you. 

You replied "inshAllah".

I don't want anything. I told you how I felt and what I wanted was for you to be happy. This time, I just want you safe and not sick. Please don't get sick, you live alone. It sucks. So please don't get sick.

This doesn't hurt anymore. But maybe I'm just pretending. 

Ms Doon did my piercing, I did hers

Today Ms Doon pierced my right ear. She gave lignocaine, poked through with a 24G branula and thread in a needle-cut Silk 2-0. Then I did hers.

After 25 years. I kind of like wearing only one earring though. Too used to it. 

Today also I realised I'm not worth his time. It has always been me initiating, very few his. I think his was only once. 

I had a fun date, but that's it. Thank you for the memory. 

scrotal hematoma sebab gatal tangan tak secure small bleeders from distal sac

Struggle dalam OT sorang-sorang dengan si Jumawan scrub nurse. Our only surgeon Mr. Kim pula struggling with colonoscopy so I was on my own for almost 2 hours opening up my scrotal hematoma post open hernioplasty. Radio kata bowel recurrence but when I opened up the mesh was intact. The hematoma was effing huge and I was dissecting endlessly to deliver the testis out.

 
"Dija, Pali mana koranggg!"

"Kenapa kau sebut nama orang yang tiada di sini?"

"Untuk semangat."

I finally did. Mr. Kim came later and eyes popped out at what I presented to him. He questioned how to put this back in. I remembered thinking "saya pandai keluarkan saya pandai la simpan balik" hahaha such confidence.

work hard, play harder

Miss Margaret the plastic surgeon came to Lahad Datu for our Burn Update and it was a good day. On that weekend we brought her to SCCA for a hike, yours truly ever the guide.

I was telling her the other things we have in Lahad Datu (such a good tour guide) and about the dive sites we have.

Ms Margaret: Lahad Datu has 64 dive sites? So you have to go diving every weekend.

Me: I can't, I have to rotate- (between hiking and masuk hutan and merayap keluar LD)

Ms Margaret serentak: You have to work-

Me: ... Yeah I have to work too.

Ms Doon glaring at me: I've been staring at her waiting to see her answer.

Me: Hahaha.

HELL YEAH IM ALIVEEE

Clarified and nothing changes. I'm feeling.. Relieved. 

So let's go diving next month? Also I wanna drive to Ranau when Ranau King is in season. Gotta live a life, aye. 

I think I might be using Savin or Arif as a crutch now. 

---

On the topic of Arif. I drove from Tawau to Lahad Datu. Stopped by the mosque and afterwards texted him if he's home. He was. 

I said I'm coming over in 5 minutes. 

He told me to come later than 5, he wanna take a shower. 

Whatever kid. I'm close by anyway. So I went to his place and reorganise things in my car while waiting for him. 

He rapped on my window and that scared the shit out of me. I got out and gave him a carton of keropok sira and mom's sambal bilis.

He asked if I just arrived from Tawau. 

Yeah. 

"Nasib baik kereta kau tak mati. Aku dah ready dah kot ada orang mesej kereta mati."

I laughed. "Memang kau Plan A aku pun."

I love this kid. I had a feeling he came back from KK quite early today because of me. Thanks Arif.

de-to

I waited outside. I saw his car passed, he was looking straight ahead for a parking space. I could recognise his side profile anywhere.

A while later I heard steps approaching and I turned around expecting him. But it was someone else I know, my schoolmate and her HO friend. We talked and caught up for a while. Then he came into my periphery and I smiled at him with a wave while still not breaking my conversation with my friend. He smiled and waved back and entered Subway. My friends grinned knowingly and let me off.

"Nanti hantar kad ya."

"Haha." I will.

I went inside and was puzzled. Where'd he go? One patron looked at me weirdly. He probably went for toilet break since I was with friends. He returned back with his smile and we ordered. 

"Kau nampak.. makin matang."

"Aku dah tua." Was my stupid reply. I should have said something else. 

He wanted to order for me and have me wait at the table but he realised I'd have to choose how I'd like my sandwich. I noticed he didn't want cheese with his sub and I asked him why. He said he was on a diet, that he has gotten fatter. 

I looked him head to toe. His sweeped hair, his stubble, his bright eyes and his friendly smile. He looked good. Real good. Dammit should have said so argh stupid Atiqah I didn't expect all your wit to go down the drain. This guy really rendered me shy and speechless. I went back to choosing my sub because I felt blush creeping up my cheeks. I've seen him chubbier and I told him he looks thin to me. 

He remembered that we last saw each other at my place for raya and said he was skinnier then. 

Really? 

Really. 

I ordered my sub and he asked me what I would like to drink. It hit me that he kept asking me what I wanted. I mean, I can order myself right? I contemplated and decided on orange juice. Then he asked me to go wait for him at the table. 

I blinked and then I smiled. It took me a moment to register that as a gentlemanly move, something I'm not used to having. I pointed out I want white choc macadamia cookie and chose a table. I sat facing the exit and spied on him at the counter. He looked really good. I was staring. And the other patron was staring at me for staring at him like the lovesick puppy I am. I should take a picture so it'd last longer, so I did. 

He paid the bills and brought our food to the table. He then went to get our drinks. 

+10

When can I meet your mom? I want to thank her for raising such a well mannered handsome man.

He took his seat across me and I wondered should I change seat to face opposite him, but I decided against. He chose to sit across me, let it be. 

He then asked if "daddy" knows I'm here. First question on the table. I wanted to laugh, of course no. I don't want to get their hopes high and dad sees him at work and I don't want to ruin whatever dynamic they have. I told him that my parents know I'm out and where I go to. I tell them whatever wrongs I do anyway. Plus I'm writing here so they'll know eventually. I don't know who else reads my blog though. 

(Later at dinner I told them I met him for lunch, and mom's careful look didn't go unnoticed. See, told ya.)

We talked and he ate. He would take a bite, wiped his mouth and then talk. So posh. He soon finished his sub while I was only few bites in. I realised I should give up on the food and tucked the wrapper in. I was probably 

a) still full from the nasi kerabu brunch an hour ago, 

b) slow chewer and awkward to converse with my mouth full, 

c) meeting him was a joy itself and I'm full with joy, 

d) all the above.

I told him C. He laughed. But really. Palpitations. All blood rerouted to the coronaries. Butterflies in my stomach. My gastric is hypoperfused. Joy. 

Last time he wouldn't tell me when his birthday was and I was thinking what kind of curse is this, I don't even know how old he is. So I asked him when was his birthday. It's on 9th September 1990. 

"IC aku cantik. 900909."

Ah, I'm older.

He's the second of four siblings. He has an older brother who works with JKSP at Kak Elli's HTA, a younger sibling in UIA for Islamic Economy or something, and the youngest is 19 years old in Asasi Sains UiTM Dengkil. Oh, junior Yaya.

"Kan kita tak jadi keluar malam semalam kan." 

I nodded. My heart broke a bit yesterday because of that. It was a miscommunication that left me so upset I had to psychoanalyse myself why was I so upset then. I realised it was because I really liked him a lot and a lot and have given him the terrifying capability to melt or to crack my ice-cold heart. I was vulnerable to him. 

You could say I was merajuk yesterday and I almost didn't want to meet up with him anymore despite he rescheduled. But I want this. Knowing I could get more hurt than then. I don't want to go back to Sabah regretting the what-ifs. So I asked him if it was really okay that we meet. Because it was on my request, I was the one who wanted to meet him. I felt like I was pushing him. I don't even know if he wanted to meet me. 

He said it was okay. And so here we are. 

He said last night was because everyone was at home and since his parents are still working and everyone's scattered, they rarely have family time so "dinner together is a must."

Family first. Yes. +20

I learned that he didn't want to live together with his parents because he wanted freedom. 

"What kind of freedom?" 

"Freedom to go out." He had a sly smile. He said his mom would call him five minutes out asking when will he come back. 

"So sekarang?" 

"Siang takpe."

"Curfew kau pukul berapa?" 

"Maghrib."

I laughed. "Your curfew is worst than mine." 

Mine is.. 10pm? I put that myself. 

We talked about our HO days and our work. Shit can't really run away from that topic, can we? He talked about how inspired he is by his specialist Dr. Norhaizam and he likes people who inspires him. 

Ah dammit I wanna inspire him too. Hahaha dammit Atiqah please get a grip of yourself and clean up nicely and let's inspire him please please? 

Why am I like this? Screwed. I am so screwed. 

He remembered when I threw tantrums because I got kicked out from the Likas group. God he remembers things I told him about. +20

He pointed out that I should flatter him more for himself, because I said Datin Asiah didn't give him as hard of a time because he's a he and she likes guy. 

"Kata la sebab aku hebat ke, bukan la sebab aku lelaki." He laughed. Okay I'll flatter you for the rest of my life, agree? 

He has this close cliques that he keeps track with since his uni days and they often travel together. One of them is an MO in Pekan and did attachment with Sam in Nephro and Sam told his friend how he taught us Medical procedures back when we were tagging with him. 

But he slipped a "she" during that recollection and something sunk in my stomach. Ah, I get jealous. Good to know that I like him enough to feel jealousy and that I'm an insecure bitch. Who is this girl? Ah I don't want to know. It hurts. But I hope 

a) the trip was two years ago, 

b) she's married already, 

c) she's not targeting him,

d) shoot me. All the above. I want to tell him that I want a relationship with him. 

I learn that I must not speak of any other boys because it sucks to hear about other girls from him. Making promises is a mistake but I promise myself I'll behave and tone down, zero out my playgirlness. You want to get deep and serious this time around, yah? No fooling around, deal? Deal. 

He tolerated my Geography failure and my Kelantan-vocab failure. He asked me if I knew what he meant and explained ever so kindly and mocklessly. +10

He's a Kelantanese yet he didn't want to settle down in Kelantan because it'd be his comfort zone, planning somewhere in KL, HUKM. I was so happy about his plan I didn't even think about my hatred for traffic jam. I wanna join him. Marry me please. +10

He was looking at me with that bright eyes and warm smile throughout our lunch. He knows I'm obsessed with him, told himself I'm not serious about him and was just fangirling over him. And yet he was treating me so kindly. +20

Did Amyny told him how I pleaded her to help me and tell him I'm serious about him, because I'm stupid and can't word it out to him? I hope she did. I'm gonna love Amyny for the rest of my life. (Edit: no she didn't.)

He cleaned up the table and threw out our trash. +20

He held the door open for me. +10

I couldn't look at him properly because how many pluses did I gave him this not even 2 hours? He started with a 100 and I like him before we even met today, how is this possible. Atiqah is such a noob. 

I've said this before and I'll say it again. I'm all yours. 

We were going to part. I faltered a bit. I wanted to tell him I want a relationship with him. I should have elaborated more when I told him I want to be more serious this year and not just with my studies. Screw study, I want to get serious with you. I know that I have on off played around and I stupidly told you I've never been serious about relationship but that was months ago. I'm sorry, I'm serious about you now. 

But words failed me. He wished me a safe flight tomorrow, with his wave and smile. I wished him a safe trip. I couldn't even remember if I told him I'll see him again or that the next one will be on me. I want a next. Can I have a next? There will be a next, right? 

Screwed. I am so screwed. 

Savin used to say it's only a date if the feeling is mutual. Truthfully I've never been on dates so what would I know. But it felt like it fits the definition of dates, whatever dates mean. 

I wonder if I'm overthinking and overanalysing again. This is going to hurt and I'm going to get hurt really badly this time, beyond whatever hurt I'm prepared for. 

ya ya i love you guys

Just landed in KB. Damn I've been awake since 4.30am for a whole day of travelling. Really sucks living so far away.

Anyway. I just landed and waiting for my luggage. And the thing I was thinking was can murtabak raja last the journey back to Lahad Datu.

I realise I must have loved my team that much that I'm willing to share my food with them. 

Hannibal and sate

Arif said he didn't know Hannibal so I told him we need to watch Hannibal over sate at his place. So today I gathered Fitri and Nicole and we had dinner at Arif's in front of his TV. Nabil was oncall today and I did three consults throughout the night. 

Anyway. We entered and I saw it, it's a container of keropok! Arif said he just fried them and I love him, did I tell you I love him? I rushed to the keropok and ate 5 while serving sate. Then I got down on my seat, took the container and declared "This is mineeee" with the happiest smile I have. 

But what, TV tak boleh plug in USB? Noob. Astro was boring and I whined. Arif said we need a laptop but mine's and Nicole's were at home and Harith is not coming and Arif only has his PC with big ass CPU...

"Takkan nak bawa CPU turun?" 

"Tapi takde laptop.."

I looked at him with my please-gimme smile and he and Fitri went upstairs and brought down his CPU to plug in to the TV. "Tak pernah2 CPU aku turun. Semua ni demi Tiqah." 

Of course I was beyond happy. We then watched The Silence Of The Lambs and followed with S1E1 of Hannibal. Halfway through the movie the keropok was finishing and Arif told me to go fry some more but I told him I don't want to. Later I finished up the keropok and just looked at him with my please-gimme smile. 

"Arif, dah habis." 

He grinned and got up and fried another batch. God I love him! I then ate more keropok with the happiest smile I have and later cleaned up everything in return. 

I tapaued the rest of the keropok. Arif said he has an unfried packet if I want. Of course I don't want, I want fried ones. Fitri commented I'm a lazy cook. I didn't disagree but to be frank, I think I'm spoiled here. I feel so loved here in Lahad Datu. 

Later in the car ride sending the princess home I gushed how good the keropok was and Fitri said it was so and so. Nothing to gush about. But I was still so happy. 

"Mungkin extra sedap sebab orang lain yang gorengkan." I said and I believe so. Damn I'm such an easy person to please. 

I wanted this dinner tonight because tomorrow I'm oncall and Monday I'm going back home. I won't see them for at least a week. Even if I don't see you again Arif I have tonight and tonight I'm happy. Thank you. 

TCA Tawau

He is a smart guy with a good brain. He passed all the stages of interview and was awarded Khazanah scholarship for some engineering course. But he sheepishly admitted he didn't even apply for engineering in UPU. They said it was okay, he could apply. 

In the end he chose his UiTM medical degree with JPA scholarship. Because for the Khazanah he will have to maintain a polished almost 4 CGPA or something and he gave me his cunning smile. Bastard's a sloth. 

He said it is difficult for him to cry and that "hati aku keras. Hati batu. Ayah aku meninggal pun aku tak menangis."

His father passed away when he was in Year 3 or 4 of medical school. He had futsal that morning and slept that afternoon. Woke up to many missed calls from his mother. 

"Aku terkesima."

He took his motorbike and met up with his brothers and they went to Terengganu. His father's car broke down and was parked by the roadside, with safety cones and all surrounding the area. Then a lorry came and hit the car, dragged it and the car caught fire so high no one could come and help. 

"Aku simpan lagi video tu." He said nonchalantly. "Nampak tangan ayah aku melambai-lambai."

I wanted to cry. "Kenapa kau simpan?" 

"Sebab video tu ada." It was a simple answer. I think he has never dig deep into his emotion ever. 

They went to the hospital to identify the body but it was badly charred and unrecognisable. He rode in the ambulance back to his home in Melor. Back to school within a week. 

I then told him about my PTSD from Ayyash apartment burn. 

His first serious love was with a student nurse from Tawau. He met her family thrice in their 6 months dating and they were nice to him. But

"Dia tipu aku."

I didn't ask the details. He was heartbroken. He was ready to marry her. He then told his mother to marry him to anyone she could find. 

"So kau guna dia sebagai rebound?" 

"Lebih kurang." You mean yes. 

Two months later, in his final HO posting, he was married to his schoolmate from the same kampung. But he wasn't happy. He found faults and not even a year later, they divorced. He already applied for MO placement in Kelantan but then hurriedly reapply for settlement in Sabah. 

"Apa la kau expect?" I was chuckling a bit. And I told him I'm not sure why I chuckled. For me marriage is an entirely different problem altogether and he shouldn't be solving a problem with another problem. 

"Berapa la duit kau habis?" 

"15k." For the wedding. And 1k per month for iddah. I glanced at him with a grin. He grinned back. 

"Banyak membazir, kan?" 

"Bukan membazir. Tapi pengajaran yang sangat mahal."

He laughed and agreed. 

It is awkward for him to go back to his hometown because of that. He didn't dare keep track of his ex wife and he was also awkward with his schoolmates and he left his alumni group because of that. Because he felt guilty.

His third is someone from around here but different religion. He broke up with her after his career fiasco, the two events unrelated, because it's easier to end it now before any more mess is made. 

I remember telling him one time ago that he shouldn't pursue her unless he can convert her. I'm glad he put religion first. I've always been glad to be travelling with him because he cares about prayer time, and now this. I know he is a good person. 

"Everything I do is a mistake."

Maybe. I told him it's good that he knows what he did was a mistake. Means he has insight. So then. 

"Apa kau belajar dari semua ni?" 

"Entah la."

"Jangan terus jawab entah. Analyse dulu. Kau tahu kau buat silap. What could you have done better? So that this doesn't happen again? So that you can live with no regret, hati tenang?"

I told him I learn, forgive myself, and then I move on. That's how I'm still friends with all my flings. 

I told how I'm good at moving on. My one fling in school, 3 or was it 4 during HOship, two in MOship. I told him about the one I rejected over message. I told him my mom wants me married but didn't dare find me one because of what I did. 

He phewed at my list. And I told him that's why I feel bad about Fitri, that I won't get serious with him. Because we work together and I'm bound to hurt him and he's gonna get hurt "and the whole ward is going to kill me."

He said if he works in Tawau, he will get himself a bike. He is licensed. He also twice almost got run over because he sped in the rain on slippery road and overshoot the red light and had to swerve to avoid being hit by cars.

"What the..."

"Kalau aku berhenti dalam jalan licin macam tu, confirm motor aku terguling-guling."

And that's not the better option? I don't get motorcyclists. 

He asked me if I know why he has a Rubik's cube on his dashboard. I told him I don't. He asked me if I watch Initial D. I know of it, it's a racing manga, no my genre. 

He said the protagonist has a glass of water in his car taught by his dad not to spill any drops while he was drifting. 

"So kalau benda tu jatuh, maksudnya aku drive bahaya sangat la."

"Oh. That's why."

He nodded. "Masa aku pergi Semporna dulu tu (during his fiasco), 5 kali benda tu jatuh."

We talked a lot more. Later he asked if I'm ever interested to do Psychiatry. I laughed. I know I'm good. 

"Aku nak ambil Psychiatry tapi mak aku tak bagi. Dia tak bagi aku kerja dengan orang macam tu. But I enjoy it. Macam Hannibal. He's a surgeon turned psychiatrist and he used his surgical skills to kill people."

"Siapa tu?" 

The hell dia tak kenal Hannibal?? 

"Movie night! Aku download cerita dia, kumpul di rumah kau, beli sate, ajak yang lain!" 

I realised today what I realised back in Egypt. There are many shades of love. The greater one is where I love you too much to hurt you. I don't know what it's called. Familial? I would definitely introduce him to my family. I have already announced on Haru's instagram that I adopted him. 

Whatever it is, that is what I feel for him. 

that time Renji refused to wake up

Sebab dah lama tak pergi (balik) KB. Hajat mahu kejar meteor shower and we stayed out until 2am but the clouds were abundant. Went back to sleep and woke up for sunrise. Meteor shower was active in sight at 4am haha takde harapan la.

I ajak Arif and almost force him to come with me because I wanted him in my sight but it was painfully obvious he was reluctant. Instead of driving, I went to the airport and beli tiket on the spot. (Arif later told me I should have told him I wasn't allowed to go alone and he would have drove, but I said "tapi kau tak nak pergi...")

Met up with Mizah from there. Spent one night in KK and another in KB before flight back to LD.

Balik tadi tak boleh on kereta so I texted Arif for help. He abandoned his game for me and didn't call me a noob. I think he's softened up a bit. After he jumpstarted my car, I pusing the whole town Lahad Datu for a battery store but none were open past 5pm Sunday.

Then I realized life sucks as a single mother, I need a partner to help me take care of my baby.

... But it's okay, let's be brave. The car has only me.

2020

I wish to:

1- drink only water

2- cut off caffeine. I think my tremors is because of those. 

3- take the stairs

4- low carbs diet. Need to lose weight and be fit for Akinabalu this 30th June. 

2018 we went high. Parasailing and paragliding lol. 

2019 we went far. Dannok and now Lahad Datu, haha.

For 2020 I wish we go deep. 

Figuratively, need to stop living so superfluously and get serious a bit. Just a bit. 

This morning when I came to work, my patient flirted with me. I also offhandedly made a tease at one of my ED colleagues. But all that made me tired and felt old. Makes me want to go home and rest. 

I guess I do want stability and a safe haven. Maybe we should find that this year. 

Literally, maybe diving. Get over my fear of deep water. Could also mean being buried 6 feet under haha. 

Need to stop making morbid jokes.