On nights I should be sleeping

When you're invested in an idea, something bigger, you move on from the everyday people.

I should do that too. It's the adult thing to do, haha. Despite that, I do think doctoring is a good thing to do, just that I should expand it beyond the hospital.

There are some things I'm eying, but mostly I need to focus on studying. I forgot how to do that. And my tax filing. Still need to write a lot of things down. Oh damn. 

Closing

Anaes and Surgery have a unique relationship. We're the primary team and they're the supporting team we cannot do without. We always need good communication with each other and I believe the weight of a good doctor is how s/he communicates.

Which is most of the time the root of all our problems.

Yesterday we had our elective OT. Usually Anaes plan to induce the last case of the day by 2.30pm so we would not extend our OT time and everyone go home on time.

I was second assistant for our splenectomy and cholecystectomy that started at 11 plus due to the first case taking quite some time. It was already past 2pm when we were done with our second procedure and we still want to do our urethroplasty which was the last case, and that to a degree annoyed the Anaes specialist.

My surgeon finished closing the muscle and passed me the needle holder for the subcutaneous layer and skin closure. He was having stuffy nose and I could see his agony throughout the operation.

Mr. Ashok: I'm sorry Atiqah, I need you to close for me.
Me: It's okay. I like closing.
Mr. Ashok: And I need to go-
Me: Blow your nose, yes. Thanks Mr. Ashok.

The Anaes specialist saw my surgeon scrubbing out and her pitch got higher. "Eh?? You're not going to close??"

I didn't comment. My surgeon didn't say anything. Knowing him, I know he was ignoring her.

"Whatever. You have to finish by 3pm. Consider la Anaes time."

I turned around and saw it was 2.30pm. I didn't say anything. I know I can finish on time, but no one needs your promises, people just need to see the result. So I started closing and just communicated with my scrub nurse.

The Anaes specialist got a phone call and she was chatting amiably. She outright said in front of me that the case was still closing with another next case awaiting. "Surgeon degil" was her words, haha.

I do think my surgeon should have communicated with the Anaes specialist the progress of our operation and the Anaes could have used a better tone, but I guess both have their ego talking.

I finished at 2.57pm. I scrubbed out, thanked my OT nurses and thanked the Anaes team by name.

Happy 62 pops

Today is pop's birthday. His staffs in KK (Kuala Krai) bought him a birthday cake so his daughter in KK (Kota Kinabalu) didn't want to miss out either. He's 62 and still enjoy working, so I don't have the choice of retiring at 28 haha...

I really really pray he's always in good health, happiness and safety, Allahumma ameen.

After lunch with Paiten and her husband and baby Syafiq, I watched A Quiet Place and almost cried in sadness at the end of the story. Felt homesick and was actually holding in tears when I ate my cake.

The sacrifices parents make for their children... I really understand why people want to work close to where their parents are because what greater good can you do if not serving your parents? But we still need doctors around...

The next thing we need is daily direct flight.

Captivated

During our multidisplinary meeting today, my colleague was ogling this pretty person. He turned to me and whispered

E: Is that a surgeon?
Me: She must be.
E: She looks so...
Me: Young, right?
E: Beautiful. She looks so beautiful. And young.

I agree. But we were in a meeting and we would embarrass our HOD with our behavior. He kept whispering praises and I was almost laughing so I whispered back

Me: You're focusing on the wrong thing! I'm telling Mr. A!
Mr. A: Tell me what?
Me: E is focusing on the wrong thing.
E: That surgeon is so beautiful.
Mr. A to me in the most serious face and whisper tone he could muster: Don't worry, it's normal.

At the end of the meeting Mr. A and I were hurried to get out because we want to find that surgeon and tell her E found her captivating. E was reprimanding us but

Mr. A: We're just helping you.
Me: Yaah I don't want to be pushing Mr. A on a wheelchair at your wedding.

The joke is Mr. A will be old and fragile by the time E finally gets married, that's how much faith Mr. A has in his love life hahahaha.

shahrul had complex GU anomaly

I was having dinner alone in a crowded place. Finished my meal in silence while watching the news. Walked up to the counter to pay my bills but the staff quickly cut my stride short. 

"Sudah dibayar."

"Eh? Siapa?"

They pointed to the table opposite mine. I turned to look, not quite sure who to expect, this is a first for me... is this a prologue to a drama...

Just kidding.

I wasn't surprised. Even while I was still chewing I already spotted my just discharged patient and his parents entering the eatery. I didn't think they saw me, but soon afterwards I overheard the staffs talking not so discreetly

"Pelanggan ini doktor. Nanti dia mahu bayar kau beritahu bilnya sudah dibayar."

It could only mean one thing. I greeted my patient and his family at their table soon after I finished my meal. Then I walked towards the counter to pay my bill and the staff told me what I thought I overheard.

I turned to them and grinned at the mother sheepishly. I thanked them and told them it's unnecessary and thanked them again, but the mother just smiled at me. I hope they won't be surprised when they realize my bill was probably half of that the three of them...

On elective OT duty today

You see, I'm not exactly feeling well. I'm snivelling and coughing and feeling a bit low grade fever for the past few days. Survived mostly by sleeping through the night. So during the first operation I was snivelling and coughing while assisting my surgeon.

I was expecting a lot of krik krik moment from not able to answer my surgeon's basic science questions, but surprisingly none came. He instead asked me if I am feeling better, if I was on antibiotics, am I taking 1g Vitamin C.

Nope, I'm not compliant to my medication. I almost forgot to take my Loratadine even (only medication I don't want to miss because it's small and I don't like stuffy nose). I had it the worst during my precall and oncall day two days ago, now I'm better relatively. 

Second operation my registrar told me to relax and he will scrub in. Of course I did not relax and let him scrub in alone with my surgeon, I'm the elective MO on duty, I cannot relax when my registrar is working. Plus the next is a urology work and I sort of like urology work in the fond memory of Dr. Shenoufy. My surgeon saw me scrubbed in and he said he thought I was relaxing and having a drink. I almost felt chased out of OT haha.

Third operation I learned what my colleagues are for and didn't scrub in, let my two senior colleagues handled it. Just told my surgeon "I need to pee" and ran off to blow my nose. Afterwards I sat back and just observe.

MO of the Day

Mr. Ashok just had a new baby and yesterday she was admitted for neonatal jaundice. Since she's our niece, we admitted her in our ward and have our Medical colleague come review her.

This morning, after I took baby's blood, Mr. Ashok called Huwaina the oncall person if she could lend RM10 to his wife. Dr. Sanji was hungry but only has biscuits and no money, so Mr. Ashok asked if Huwaina could lend RM10 to buy some roti canai at the canteen.

We happily skipped to Room 4 to meet Dr. Sanji and see the pretty baby but she didn't want our money hahahaha. She said she'll wait for Mr. Ashok. Plus she'd have to leave the baby unattended to go down for food. We understood and left her room.

I immediately called Mr. Ashok. "Dr. Sanji said she'll wait for you, she don't want to leave baby alone. Should I buy roti kosong or roti telur for her?"

Mr. Ashok thanked me and I bought satu roti kosong for her. ("Just buy one la, she eats only one.") Delivered it to her and she thanked me a lot.

"Ashok will pay you back for this right?"

I was going to say don't worry it's only RM1.20 but I don't want to make her feel bad, so I said

"Sure sure Mr. Ashok will pay me back double.. triple.. Hahaha."

Playing too much

Today during lunch break the team was in OT for a jejunal stenosis but I had to go pick my new toys from Pos Laju so I asked for excuse from Mr. Mughni who readily let me off. I told Mr. Ashok the oncall surgeon I'm going and Fido who was there helpfully supplied

"Atiqah nak gi pejabat pos, dia kata nanti dia balik dia bawak coconut shake."

Hahaha wth this bro bab makan memang tak menahan. Mr. Ashok pulled a long thoughtful look before saying

"Nevermind la Atiqah, nanti jadi macam haritu, kata nak bawa pizza tapi yang dapatnya nasi goreng."

And I was like "Mr. Ashoooook masa tu Ms. Rahilah yang nak belanja nasi goreng, Abang Kumaran kata cukup dah makanan so saya tak beli la pizza."

"Tapi saya dah kempunan pizza dah masa tu."

Haha kesiannya. So I told myself I cannot face Mr. Ashok ever if I did not come back today with coconut shakes in hand.

After the pejabat pos, I went to get the whole team coconut shake and by the time I got back hauling 12 shakes they already started PM round. After round team made their way to a multidisciplinary meeting and I stopped them for a bit. "Ada coconut shake."

You should have seen the happy look on Mr. Ashok's face and the picture our team made with each person walking into the meeting with a coconut shake in hand hahahahahahaha.

Tonight I called my parents. I try to call them weekly on Friday since it's the last day of weekday and I can update them when is my next oncall and where I'm off to for the weekend. When I talked to mom, the first thing she asked me was

"Dah ada gewe ke?"

She held on to this topic in our conversation for quite some few minutes, so I guess it must be important to her. She also reminded me that I said I'd be married before I go to Sabah, which I don't remember ever making such a great talk. It is odd, even for her, to ask me such a thing. She mentioned her concern over me driving around alone and going fast and blowing up the tires..

"Oh mama tahu Ika pecahkan tayar? Hahaha."

When that happened, I called my workmates who came to help me and only after help came did I call Along to tell him what happened and told him not to tell our parents. And afterwards I posted on Instagram. I guess mom knew from there.

I deducted she's getting more worried of me membuas. Sooner or later I'd get bored of nearby and go to farther places from Kota Kinabalu haha. No wonder she wants me to get hitched sooner.

I'll try. But I'm more concerned of my laziness to study and my skin getting darker from all the time under the sun.

Tremors

I have tremors. It augments when I'm hypoglycemic. This is a fact and I don't know how to correct it except by eating. I checked my TSH in 2016 and it was normal.

So today I assisted Mr. Ashok with a duodenoduodenostomy for a Day 30 of life, 2.12kg clinically Downie boy. After almost two hours later, at closing, he passed me the needle holder. I accepted it gladly. That's one of the reasons I like assisting Mr. Ashok. He asks, teaches in a fun way, and let me do things.

Mr. Ashok: Takpa kah saya suruh Atiqah close abdomen?
Me: Takpe sangat, saya suka.

Haha I like closing. Cause that's the next thing I can help with.

Mr. Ashok: Atiqah ni suka perli saya. Haritu saya suruh dia close skin dia jawab dia suka close skin.
Me: Memang saya suka close skin pun. Terima kasih Mr. Ashok sebab bagi saya peluang ini, silakan scrub out dan berehat.

I started suturing. And my hands started to shake.

Mr. Ashok: Kenapa tangan awak ketar sangat?
Me: Sebab saya lapar.

It was close to 3pm. The last time I ate was a piece of sandwiches at 10am hahaha and that was what I had all day.

Boss observed me close the abdomen and halfway finishing the skin before he left the OR. Then the Anaes team started gawking at me.

Joyce: Atiqah why are you shaking so much?
Me: I'm hypoglycemic.
Joyce: I was just going to prick the baby for DXT. If I prick your toes maybe I'll get a 2.
Me: I was thinking of 1.2 maybe.
Ezrannie: Wow symptomatic hypoglycemia. The next thing you'll be fitting.
Me: Tachypnic, I'll turn blue...
Joyce: Do you need sugar? I have some D50 here.
Ezrannie: You have to eat. Us Anaes when we know there's a neonate case we'll be eating like what.

I didn't say anything and just continued on suturing. I know but I was observing our elective OT before I had to scrub into emergency OT. I didn't notice the time.

I finished uneventfully. Afterwards I went to pee and went to the pantry where Abang Kumaran bought us Maggi goreng. I was eating on the seat beside the doorway when Ezrannie came in, saw our team eating and asked where I was.

"Here." In between munching my Maggi.

"Haa makan pun. Miss tahu tak, masa Atiqah close tadi, dia tremors sebab hypoglycemia."

Hahaha.

New-year-new-me crap

I'm postcall today. Last oncall of the year, last oncall of the three calls I'm doing in a week for the last week of 2017.

But I don't know what to do. I'm slowly making my way back to my rented place. I'd take a shower. Then do laundry. Then maybe breakfast. I have to study, always have to but never doing it.

I'm sleepy already thinking of the boring things I'm going to do. But I had enough sleep last night, I don't want to just sleep today.

It occurred to me that the rented place of Number 22 is just a rented place. It's a house, it's not home. I'm not excited to go back. I'd rather be doing rounds or whatever but I need to detach myself from the hospital, it's not healthy. But I've nothing to go back to.

So that's the plan for next year. Find something to go back to.

Drive

"Is it okay if I sleep?"

"Sure." It was almost automatic. She never really say no to him. 

"You don't mind?"

"I don't."

She kept her eyes on the road. From the corner of her eyes she could see he had reclined the seat further back and made himself comfortable. He crossed his legs and there was no movement after that. 

She drove calmly. Reminded herself not to bump the car up recklessly so as not to jolt him awake. She hummed the radio softly to herself and let the silence passed. At the traffic light she turned to observe his whole profile. 

He had his glasses off and turned away from her. She noticed that he had made use of her throw pillow in the back seat, the pillow that she had used once for that one time she chose to sleep in her running car on a postcall day before driving home. He was relaxed, almost in a vulnerable state. She could do anything to him. This was drama material, the silent pondering before the unsuspecting girl gets gobbled by the hungry predator. 

The lights turned green and she resumed driving at a relaxed speed. She had a small smirk on her face thinking he must really trust her as a friend to be that relaxed around her. Took her word for it when she said she considered him her brother. Either that or he was half asleep on edge in case she decided to jump on him. Which wasn't wrong. She was tempted to think for that moment, he was hers. People could see them alone in her car, him sleeping next to her and agree to the same circumstancial assumption like she did. 

Then she came to her conclusion. She liked this, this situation they were in. To have someone so relaxed around her he could fall asleep next to her. To just stay together in silence with no expectation on the line. No, not necessarily him. She could never think of him that way because he is family to her. Maybe this is how it would be with her future husband. She'll drive them home on his postcall day and he'll sleep in the passenger seat with his face turned towards her, or he'll drive them home with her curled up on the passenger seat sleepily fighting to stay awake to keep him company. 

She sighed. When would that day come. 

They reached the hospital. She parked the car and deliberated whether she should wake him up to have him lock the car from inside while she run inside for her jab. She decided against. Let him sleep. It's directly in front of the entrance and broad enough daylight to minimise risk of car theft. And he's an adult, he could take care of himself should a car theft occur. It was safe enough that the keyless car is designed to not be able to be driven without the key nearby, so she took the key with her and slipped outside without a word. 

Fifteen minutes later she was back inside her car where she found it the way she left it. She put the gear into drive and headed back home. He stirred awake. 

"You're done already?"

"Yeah let's go home." 

"That was fast."

"Did you really sleep?"

"I napped enough."

Limbang

I took a four days off work for the sake of using up my many unused leaves. My plan A was to go somewhere, anywhere, preferably with a river as I really wanted to sleep under the stars for awhile.

I could go to Kota Belud for that but I'd have to drive Maisarah's car and alone and I don't think she would approve of me going long distance in her brother's car.

If not, maybe I'll go back to Kota Bharu, but I just went home last week.

Then Savin came and in his rowdiness, he said something to me that made me think of Bun who is the opposite of him and at that moment, I thought "Bun won't say that to me."

I then decided on Limbang. I have Fadzlin, Bun and Pofin to pester. Earlier they came to Kinabalu but I went to Kundasang with Maisarah and missed them. And Limbang has a river there.

And so here I am. It's a good place to retire to. I have a good day today just watching TV and sweeping Fadzlin's house as they're working. I feel domesticated.

Money matters

Every day I'm bothered by how your life depends on how much you can pay. It made me realise how true it is a script from the trailer of Justice League

Flash: What's your superpower again?
Batman: I'm rich.

I want to be rich so that money will never be an issue. And I don't want to work where the extend of my help to my patients depends on whether they can pay for it or not.

I want warm rice with plain omelette

Masalah dengan orang Kelantan adalah sudah biasa makan beras seludup dari Thai maka bila pergi tempat yang tiada beras seludup jadi tension sebab nasi tak sedap maka tak makan nasi sudah lama.

Kemudiannya bila balik Kelantan mula la mencari sepinggan nasi. Atau berpinggan-pinggan.