PGU will be embarrassing, but living like shit is embarrassing too

I'm not okay. I'm so down I'm doing nothing and this is the fifth week. I need help but I don't want to impose on anyone. I can't voice this out, I can't text anyone, I can't even say this on X. But it has to be known or I'll die, I'm withering away. 

I need someone to tell me exactly what to do. I need someone to actually come and drag me out, someone who says "Atiqah let's meet at the scope room tomorrow at 8am." 

I need someone who will eat with me because I'm not eating. I eat a proper meal only once every other day now, and it's not even finished. I buy food so that I have food to eat, but I end up with leftovers and God I hate leftovers.

My stomach hurts since three weeks and I don't know if that's the cause or the effect. And last weekend it was a dyschezia with fresh PR bleed and I think it was just a fissure. It cleared after two days because I forced myself to drink more water, and only then I noticed it was a melena. 

I think if I OGDS myself there's an F3 or F2B ulcer somewhere at least.

Today I did variceal banding and withdrew colonoscopy

It was 3pm. Second colonoscopy for the evening. Pali came in the scope room and the first thing he announced to the whole world while testing the scope was "Aku tak mandi lagi!" 

What the hell this idiot. "Kau jonah sangat kenapa." 

"Aku oncall dengan Ms Doon."

I laughed. "So semua benda kau kena buat sendiri la kan." 

"Aku call dia 2am. Patient UGIB sampai transfuse 7 pint. "Fadhly you buat la, I nak tidur"."

I laughed harder. He let me withdrew for that colonoscopy and he sat down chatting not even looking at what I was doing. And then he disappeared. There was a polyp needing polypectomy. I want to do it, I think I could, but better let them do it. Mana abang. 

"Kak panggil abang tu jap," I asked the SN.  

Naveen came instead. He did the polypectomy (as easy as I thought it would be) and let me finish up. 

Turned out Pali was in the other room doing the other colonoscopy that he took over from struggling Naveen. He finished the polypectomy for that patient while still complaining of his unshowered state ("Kalau kau tak bagitahu, takde sape tahu kau tak mandi." This is the colonoscopy room, you'll never be the stinkiest.) and then asked me to take a picture.

"Amik gambar apa? Kau?" 

"Gambar aku nak buat apa. Gambar post polypec tu. System down." 

"Ambil la gambar Dr. Fadhly mengantuk tu." SN said. 

I obliged for both. Apparently the system was misbehaving and Naveen had been taking the pictures so far using his own so I took over from Naveen. 

Post procedure, I finished cropping ("Lemah la iPhone, tengok phone aku terus crop sendiri." "Ye aku setuju.") and sending the pictures to his WhatsApp (the scope findings and his postcall side profile) while he sat in front of the computer meddling with his messages. I was already back from sending the patient's file to the recovery and he was still not typing. 

I expected so. Last time I made him do it while I sat next to him, but today I was feeling sorry for this tired old fart. Petang ni kena buat preop for OT esok pula. 

"Mari la aku type report." 

Pali made way for me. I typed the report while discussing the findings with the him and even layan him borak. ("Tiga bulan kau di scope, kalau aku mengular lama dah." "Aku tak pandai scope, takleh mengular.")

"Report tunggu gambar upload. HPE dah buat. Takde apa dah kan? Pergi la tidur." 

He asked me to help discharge the patient as well and instructed me how to. I said I would.  

"Aku pergi eh?" 

"Bye." 

He then left. The patient was gone by the time I went to recovery, Naveen discharged her already. I then sent the picture of sleepy unshowered postcall Pali to Miss Doon haha. 

I think doctors are masochists

Pali started doing the OGDS when I came back from observing a colonoscopy in the other room. I wore my gown and gloves and just silently stood beside him. He finished the retroflex and suddenly handed me the scope with a "CLO test lepas tu withdraw." Then he unscrubbed. 

He's like that since he first told me to get an ABG for an acutely ill patient he was staring intently at from the counter on my first week in Lahad Datu. That time I laughed thinking he's treating me like a HO, and I was obedient because I respect him. 

I took over the scope happily. It made me wonder, why did I like to be told what to do by Pali? I felt respected despite being ordered around. Was it his tone, or because I was used to him? Or was it me being out of control of myself that I want someone else steering for a while. 

I took the biopsy for CLO test. think it's the latter. I am not assertive enough, I was brought up in a clinical setting where I don't ask for things for myself because my old boss dislike people asking for permission to do procedures, she would permit them herself when she felt they were ready. 

I thought he was busy, but that bastard (affectionate. You know this right? I like a lot of bastards.) wasn't even needed somewhere else. He was still around doing something idk what but I did the report while he was nosying with the CLO test result. Had I been a lesser person I would have thought he had a kick for ordering people around. 

Cik Fatin helping me

I self-referred myself for therapy by the end of July, because I was skipping work to lay under the cover. I did nothing worthy of my doctor title. I labelled it as burnout. 

My first session was 18.8.23. I picked the last session 4pm because I didn't want to spend more than an hour. I was sceptical of her, I was quiet, replying word by word. My DASS score was terrible,

Very severe stage of depression - 36

Very severe level of anxiety - 26

Severe stress level - 30

For reference, my previous DASS score taken on:

19.3.19

Severe stage of depression

Severe level of anxiety 

Very severe stress level

7.6.21

Very severe stage of depression

Very severe level of anxiety

Severe stress level

She suggested I quit because my mental health was ailing. That made me realise a lot of things, but quitting wasn't the answer. She asked me what do I want to do now, and I answered her I just want to sleep. She made me a referral for Psychiatry but she didn't give me the letter, just online form that I have to print myself. I used no printer as an excuse not to go and instead buried myself under the cover and was still skipping work. 

Second session was on 1.9.23 and it was almost two hour long. I ventured more openly. I cried at the mention of my brother. We listed what my stress points are and what I think might help. By the end of the session I was actually grateful to attend therapy and we decided that I have to start small; the aim was to wake up early and exercise more. 

I didn't really get to do much exercise, but I showed up at work. I don't think I have a perfect 5 days per week attendance, with me giving excuses to come an hour late on a good day, but at least it was something. I sent in my proposal. I had one study session. I went hiking once. It was very slow barely there progress, but at least I was moving. 

Today, 9.10.23. I mentioned that I feel my DASS score perhaps improved, but my issue is with anxiety shutting down my confidence level. We discussed few notable things. 

The mind thinks and manifests into feelings and actions. It's a cycle. 

The ABCDE model of rationale. I need to Dispute my negative Belief. Instead of thinking I'm troubling others, ask them directly am I troubling them. 

Overthinking is a clutter of drawers that needs to be organised. Jot things down and let them go. 

Deep versus over thinking 

- Deep thinking is one with solution, one I have been a good player at all this while. Overthinking is the shitty cause for anxiety. I need to stop it by coming up with logical solutions. 

Logical versus emotional support 

- Just because I was a logical person with immense self-sustained emotional support doesn't mean it wouldn't change. My problem now is that I have exhausted my own emotional support, thus logical support won't help me now. I need to replenish my emotional support.

I wanted to laugh. I didn't realise that I needed to be babied. She said it's not a weakness, it's just us being human. 

I asked if there was any other way of getting emotional support other than depending on others. She said since my tank is zero, I best get it from others. Some get by with positive quotes and such. I think I should try that. I wondered if mentioning Haru as my self-sustained emotional crutch will be helpful, but I did not mention that. 

She discharged me today. I have a lot to work on, but I know how now. 

DASS score taken today 9.10.23

Very severe stage of depression - 30

Severe level of anxiety - 18

Moderate stress level - 22

And I have to finish that book on Depression. 

Wednesdays are happy days because I get to see abang

Today my favourite abang asked me "Kalau kau mengular ada orang cari tak?" 

"Tak." 

"So kenapa kau tak mengular?" He has been like this since Lahad Datu time. Too lackadaisical but he's actually a responsible guy. 

"Aku dah puas mengular di PICU." 

I told him I felt and was too useless in PICU although I was the favourite attachment MO in NICU. Still feel heavily guilty about this. I didn't even tell Prof Gan I left his unit. I can't do anything about it now unless I wanna admit to Prof Gan that I mengular under his nose. Let's just face whatever feedback he gave to my professors. 

I gave Pali a mini Snickers that I have been carrying it around to give to him haha. Abang was postcall and tomorrow another oncall, he was sleepy and a bit dull he forgot things. At least he wasn't quiet with me today like he was on Monday. 

That time I was observing him on an emergency OGDS. I missed the fun time I had in Lahad Datu and seeing him makes me want to gush and take a selfie and stamp on his shoes for old times sake, had he been a girl I would have hugged him and not let go of his arm haha. I didn't want him to think I'm overfriendly so I compensated by being awkwardly quiet. We left without saying goodbye and I was soo sad hahahaha Atiqah is a sentimental idiot. 

For the last case I asked him if I could withdrew. He stopped and asked to sedate the patient. 

We inserted line (I struggled and Pali said he makes me nervous and I said I haven't kick him in a long time and he took over and settle it for me) and served midazolam. 

Then he handed me the scope. I stared at it. 

"Aku kata nak withdraw." 

"La aku ingat kau nak buat. Sebab tu aku sedate."  

"Aku tak pernah intubate lagi hypopharynx." 

The last few cases we did today had him struggling at that part, so I didn't want to do this part with him in case I struggle as well. 

He intubated the hypopharynx easily and then promptly handed me the scope. I scoped till pylorus but had to abandon because the patient's stomach was filled with food. OGDS rescheduled to another day. 

I regretted not taking the scope from him when he first handed it to me. Pali has always let me do anything I want and would cover whatever struggle I might have. I regret I regret! 

Now I'm thinking what chocolate to buy to give him next time.

Stick snack now. You’re that close to taking up smoking is it?

Oi Haruuu~

I'm exploring stick biscuits nowadays. Cause I can keep them hanging on my mouth until I finish them. Keep hands clean too. 

So. Let's keep this post as a thread of stick biscuits review. 

—-

1) Pocky chocolate. Commonly there's the chocolate flavour, strawberry, cookies and cream. They're all RM3.10 at Speedmart and can you believe it, RM4.70 at eMart24? I have no idea why the price is so marked up. 

Anyway the chocolate one is 191 kcal per serving of 40g. 

One pack of Pocky is one portion for me. I can't imagine sealing it back because the chocolate will melt and clump together. 

I like the biscuit part but I don't like the chocolate part. Something about it doesn't sit right with me. I like how Cadbury tasted better. 

Verdict: I won't buy this flavour again. 

—-

2) Oreo wafer roll. Now I actually didn't want to include wafer rolls in the list because they crumble more than biscuits and I need to be cautious eating them, which beats the purpose of mindlessly having things hanging on my mouth. But let's try my luck. 

This one box is RM2.90, it has three packs in it so it's good for portioning. Each pack has 3 rolls so that's about 30sen each roll. 

It's 90kcal per serving. 

It's easy to eat, didn't crumble as I watch Running Man. But it's too sweet for me. 

And I think I have to keep the box so that I don't squash the wafer. 

Verdict: I would probably buy it again but to have it with water. 

—-

3) Pocky strawberry. This one is 188kcal per serving 38g.

The taste is a lot better than the chocolate one. It's less sweet than Oreo wafer roll too. 

Verdict: I will buy this again if I crave stick snacks. 

—-

4) Pocky cookies and cream. It's 201kcal per serving of 40g! Highest one among all three flavours. 

But it's definitely the tastiest. The biscuit is darker and seems denser than the other two. 

I was gonna say I prefer this one over strawberry. Does 13kcal make a difference? (It does.)

Verdict: I will buy this again instead of the strawberry if I can convince myself that 13kcal makes no difference. 

—-

There you have it. I don't have anymore stick snacks to review. I'll post in the comments when I have. 

Fourth TCA, dude you defaulted. Last TCA was March 2022

Let’s make this a standard review

Hobbies ie things I do to chill
I just sleep and stop functioning

Advantage
I shower and keep this room at a minimal level of cleanliness 

Disadvantage
This past 4 weeks I am stationed in PICU and it is hell for me because the cases are critical and I'm not confident enough to solo review patients. On top of that the consultant didn't trust me to review by myself (she told the HO in my presence to only serve the fentanyl to my patient when the registrar is available) but the registrar expects me to take charge of one patient so that I could "actually learn". 
Ending up I feel and am the most useless in the team. HOs are way more functional than me. So I resorted to being truant for my mental sake. 

Occasionally I starve myself by not getting food
Usual argument will be Grab order is minimum RM12 to 15 but a regular nasi campur at campus is RM6. Why am I being cheap with myself?
I think it's because I don't want to eat alone so that's why I don't eat. We're going to die from liver failure one day. 

Things I'm not good at
Functioning
Socialising
Studying

Complex
Still the same I need to talk to someone but I don't want to talk to anyone.
I signed up for PPUM therapy but they replied my email late and I didn't feel like talking to them anymore, so I ignored the Zoom invite. 

Best 3 food
Water
Kopi o ais
If I go to the campus canteen I always take rice with fried chicken and vegetables 

Worst 3 food
Since I eat less, I don't finish food nowadays
The leftovers sometimes are thrown out after few days in the fridge

Favourite word
I count my verbal words everyday
Today I thanked the Grab rider
I like the days I walk back home with the NICU girls (usually Iffah or Gurwin) because I talk with them. I like asking what Neal is up to

Favourite colour
I like white tshirt nowadays but they are a pain to clean

Favourite song 
Gen Hoshino - Pop Virus 

Favourite type of people
Cool calm people

Respected people
Can’t think

Current happiness
Can’t think

What I bought recently 
I got two tshirts for my birthday, a UT x Gen Hoshino and a Shohoku 14. Both in black. 
Bought a 40L backpack because Yaya is going to UK in September. I wonder where will I go. 

Hardest thing ever
Showing up at work. 
Thesis. 
Studying. Fuck this. 

How to spend off days
Visit my family
I don't have the drive to go outdoor anymore. But I know it will do me good. 

Places to visit 
A therapist office

What to challenge
Move more
Eat better
Study

What I want to do with my friends
Eat Pocky and stare at a valley

Does that make me a psychopath too?

There has been hype around a K-drama titled Summer Strike. The premise is of a lady quitting her city life to live quietly by a seaside town. Interesting because I can see myself doing that. Yim Siwan is the male lead and I've loved his psychopaths acting prior so I know he's a good watch. 

The drama was nice until Episode 4. I found the female lead character to be insufferable. I watched that episode at 1.5x speed to get over it but I just couldn't take it so I quit watching. 

First. If you want to live quietly, figuring out how to live your life, you should be independent and do not cause trouble to others. You don't need to be very smart, you just need a level head and good common sense. 

But not the female lead character. She should have known she is a lightweight drinker who trouble others and forgot what happens when she's drunk, so why did she down 3 bottles of soju that night? She ended up withdrawing all her money from the ATM, losing the money and causing trouble for everyone in town the next day. Her drunken state was repulsive. Sad from being abandoned by her only living family doesn't entitle her to cause trouble to others, so she should have just stick to one bottle. 

Perhaps because I just finished My Liberation Notes, and Son Sukku played a quiet alcoholic. The worse he does is get hurt in isolation and later found by the Yeom family when he didn't show up to work. Now that's really someone who wanted a quiet life. 

Second. She paid 600,000 won for a year rental, yet she paid 450,000 won to rescue a dog from an apparent mean owner. The depiction wasn't even that mean, it's just the dog that ran away from home. Although the dog was wearing a collar, there was no name or ID on it. She could have argued there was no proof that the dog belonged to the mean old lady. Her naivety aside, she was clearly being taken advantage of by the owner and I hate that, I hate that she let herself being taken advantage of. 

So I went and watched Unlocked to see Yim Siwon in a psychopath role. That was more satisfying. I should just stick to thrillers with handsome actors.

Happy 33th birthday. We have enough tshirts though!

I lived life per usual. Reminiscent on the years after housemanship where I take trips on 29.7. 

28 in 2018. I slept in Hosp Kota Belud carpark and spent the early morning of 29.7 wandering along the dried up river of Melangkap, before meeting up with friends in Kundasang where we had cupcakes. And then we went for paragliding. 

29 in 2019. I went for a roadtrip to Penang before going to Danok, Thailand with Yaya, Umai and Syemak. 

30 in 2020. I went back home to KB. I don't remember now what else I did besides going to Pantai Senok alone the next morning. 

31 in 2021. I took the week off, stayed at home in Likas and ran almost every evening to keep me sane. On 29.7 I was bombarded with food deliveries from family and IQs. They intended for me to share but I had the week off and was being solitary. It was quite a gastronomic incident. 

32 in 2022. I went to Fraser Hill for an impromptu overnight and had fun birdwatching with Mr guidance. Parents came over from KB so I cut the trip short so they could treat me to food, including at a Yemeni restaurant for some mulawakh. 

33 in 2023. Let's begin the story. 

So I've been listening to Gen Hoshino nowadays and I wanted his tee collaborated with Uniqlo which came out in 2021. I found them on eBay but my payment wouldn't go through. I almost ditched the idea but Kak Elli reminded me it's my birthday so I should buy whatever I want hahaha. She helped me with payment and we secured the tshirt on that fated 27.7. 

28.7 I woke up and saw her messaging me a happy birthday. It was amusing so I thanked her and didn't mention she was a day early. After work I picked up Yaya and we went back to Hazim's. Mom and dad are still there. My Shohoku 14 tshirt from Shopee arrived and I happily did my laundry. We hang out and I stayed up late, for what? 

I wished myself a happy birthday as midnight 29.7 came. 

29.7 My family wished me happy birthday. Kuching girls too, which surprised me that they know and remember. I am grateful for them. And then from Nisa and Nadie, the latter gave me a tiffany coloured jewellery organiser. 

Hazim, Yaya and I went shopping for groceries with me wearing my new Shohoku 14 shirt. I told Yaya I want to buy a cake. She said mom gave her card for her to buy cake. 

I picked a carrot cake because I have elegant taste and was sure my parents like this cake. 

Mira came and gave me a potted plant I named Harry. Apparently it's a senseviera and the easiest to care for, per Kak Elli, so let's see if I'm still a serial pet/pot killer. 

She asked me what I wanna do now that I'm 33. Hazim scoffed and said live like normal. I zoned out a bit before saying I want to sleep. 

But really. I want to live differently, if only for a bit. 

30.7 Us minus Harith had lunch at a Chinese restaurant. 

4.8 I collected my Gen Hoshino tee from Kak Elli's place and we hang out at her place. 

5.8 Chatting with Kak Elli and Savin's name popped up. So I texted him to say hi and randomly updated him on my flat tyre. And then it reminded me how Savin and I would chat and his name would pop up and I would gleefully text him to say "we were talking about you and so I'm here saying hiii" to which he usually reply "haha did you miss me" or some flirty nothings haha. 

So I uploaded a picture of Gen's tee on my WhatsApp status titled "happy birthday to meeeeee" because it was only visible to one person, he who doesn't do socmed. 

Why? I don't know. I miss him I guess. 

Just as I put down my phone to go join Kak Elli in front of the telly, a notification came up. It was him replying to my status and wishing me a happy birthday. That… got me startled. The person I like wished me happy birthday. Happy!

It reminded me of Mira's question to me. Now that I'm 33, what do I want to do? I want to take my chances like I have nothing to lose. So I did. 

I pray he graduates on time. 

Driving back to Hazim's that afternoon, I realised I have nothing to lose because I have nothing in the first place. 

Why I have been silent

Truth is I wanna update. But I changed to iPhone in May and they don’t carry Blogger app so it hasn’t been convenient. 

I’m still half-sane. Still need therapy. Sometimes I feel Haru abandoned me. 

Quick update. Dec 2022 till May 2023 I was in Kuching. Work wise, I could have done better but I’m too stressed up my head hurts more so I gave up. Attended a conference and my poster got into Top 18. 

Social wise, I made friends I will forever cherish.

Travel wise, we went to kayaking, hiking, picnic, spelunking, market visit, Sarawak lost world. I can’t remember the name of all the places now, memory loss.

I had a few magnificent time being alone, each a whole story to tell. Kubah NP for a solo hike up to Gunung Serapi. Overnight in Bako and meeting Camila and Jonathan. Took the bus to Muara Tebas for a solo hike up Bukit Lasak. 

Health wise, my body is rotting one of these days my head is going to explode.

I wanna write more but I’m tired. Ciao. Take care. 

Tribute to FCR

This was something in draft since 2010. I’m cleaning up now, updated this and publishing.

Our family just got back from Australia, it was March and I was not happy of leaving the friends I made in West End State School. I remember mom talking me into going into the class and me standing quite sourly in front of the whole class as Muallimah Mariah Ismail introduced me to the lot. I dragged my Power Rangers backpack to my designated place.

A short girl came up to me and asked me about my Power Rangers pencil case. She was short, yes, and bubbly. I remember that vividly. She packed quite a volume for someone that small and I soon learn more about her.

Her name was Fatimah Che Rahimi and I really appreciate her. Nowadays I text her on her birthday and she get that privilege because she was the first friend I make in primary school.

There was a lot of childish jealousy of not wanting to share best friends drama when I was in primary school, and I was stuck up because of my good English on top of my good academic and leadership. Too competitive. My rivals were Hamizah Abdul Rahman and Lailatul Nur Noor Azmi. Hahaha. We are all doctors now, those two are married with children. Last I heard Mizah is in UPM doing Transfusion Medicine or something, and Laila is in Kelantan working in primary care. They’re functional adults.

And you have me :)

Whenever I think of my primary school days, I feel I need to be very committed to raise a smart troublemaker, or just remain childless as I am now.

Pool Party @ Kozi

Pool Party di Kozi attended by Geng Qiamullail Di Kuching. 

That day was a Thursday and Nabila and I were in emergency OT for a TOF repair and colostomy. I was the first to arrive in OT and Dr Teo the Paed Anaes consultant also Anaes HOD asked me “Really no bronchoscopy? And stoma before TOF repair right?” 

I knew we’re not doing bronch and that logically TOF repair before stoma because of urgency but I didn’t actually confirm with my surgeons so I replied “I’ll confirm with them” to which she replied “Tu pun you tak tahu??”. 

The TOF repair took about 4 hours I think. I did the stoma and perforated the stoma at 9 o’clock from my rough handling. Mr Chin scrubbed back in and repaired it. He was so kind and told me “don’t worry” but actually I didn’t worry a bit because he was there and I could have repaired it anyway. 

During the distal loop washout, Dr Teo complained about me (my steps differ a bit from SGH because I didn’t remember how SGH does it but I remember how Likas did) and she yelled “Mr Chin!!!” so loud to get my HOD’s attention, who scurried and kindly enumerate the steps (which I was doing anyway). 

By the time I unscrubbed, I have missed Zohor Asar and berbuka puasa. I sat and wrote the op notes chanting “it’s okay, you’re in training” in my head. Nabila came and gave me a piece of chocolate. We then went to pray Maghrib before we joined the girls for Pool Party and as I was taking my wudhu, she told me she wanted to cry because she was tired and hungry and stressed. 

I said “Is it because I perforated the bowel?” “Because Dr Teo yelled.” And then her tears broke. 

I abandoned my wudhu and went to hug her and then I cried too for the longest I can remember, because I was toughening it up but here was my friend crying because someone else was yelling at me. I told her for every mean person we met, there are many more kind people we meet. I told her about Ms Poh being emphatic, how Mr Chin was so kind teaching, how the girls were mad at Dr Sanah (also Paed Anaes consultant) who one other time was mean to me as well (I marked wrongly for a gastrostomy insertion and as Mr Chin was very kindly teaching me, she quipped “Tak pernah tengok gastrostomy ke?”)

I told her that people are not going to be nice at us but we’re not like that. We’re going to always be kind. 

We had a good 15 minutes cry and then we prayed, and then we joined the buka puasa close to 8pm (Maghrib was 6.47pm). 

forest therapy with unimas

Last weekend I volunteered as faci (read: Kakyu invited me) for UNIMAS forest therapy program for adolescents. The kids are a bunch of good kids who like everyone of us got issues but they'll be fine. We had fun talking about animes, so I guess we all are almost the same. Except I'm double their age. By the end of day 1 they had disbelief that I'm 33 and said I look like I'm in my late 20's instead. Shahrul described me as philosophical. 

My group had an introvert who by day 2 opened up to the boisterous boys. It stroke me to write this because I remembered a scene of them. 

It was raining. We were under the pagoda putting our DIY rain poncho on. They were taking selfies together and Wisy helped Xavier buttoned up his poncho. Dr Aida quipped "wow bromance" and without missing a beat, that group of kids sang

"Tonight the music seems so loud-"

I laughed so hard. They implied I'm old but here they are singing Careless Whisper like the cultured kids they are. 

phobias

I've only been in Kuching for 2 months plus and I've gain 2 phobias. Grab drivers and grater.

I'll elaborate one day, when I'm not exhausted.