boss, papa, luqman, kak elli, as

Today basically what I did was came to work, quick round saying hi to the kids, went to OT for a 3 hours SSG, had lunch, attended CME then sat in front of Boss as he shared his wisdom.

We were discussing the contract MO issue. He suggested making a legal solidarity, plan a negotiation such as extended 10 years contract, intake to replace the permanent doctors by number, transparency in intake. But not to boycott work because we're ethically bounded. We signed contracts anyway.

I reflected how complacency is a disease, that I owe it to all the ease I'm getting to work harder and progress in my career.

Boss advised to make use of every opportunity. Kalau diberi kerja, ambil. Kalau ada tanah, tanam serai. Kalau ada duit, tolong bisnes kawan.

I shared his wisdom with Meryem because today I've been helping her connect with district MOs. She asked me in the afternoon if I have any contract MO friends in Lahad Datu and Sandakan. I flipped out my phone and called Nicole and Stephy. Haha.

After work, Along mentioned how was dad dealing with the identical twin separated at birth issue. I only read the headline so I went and read the full news first before giving dad a call. We talked about this. He laughed at himself, saying he was the HOD during that time but of course who remember? Especially if its unremarkable. We shared the same insight, that the issue happened what 20 years ago. We would need the casenote first before we talk.

But the most important is to help them now. It happened already and they deserve compensation and ease to change their family registration, but for an inquiry and RCA? It'd be an interesting one. We'll be following it closely.

Dad asked what was I up to, so I told him my discussion with Boss. He lighted up and asked me about the issue too.

As usual dad thanked me for calling him. I really should call more. 

And later after Maghrib Luqman gave me a call. He asked how everything and everyone is. So I talked about our colleagues and surgeons. He told me to have Chief's back and to lend him an ear on his behalf. 

He seemed delighted that I'm warming up to Meryem. I told him that she reminded me of my younger self, how enthusiastic and hard working she is. We both agreed we're both old and enthusiasm running low. 

He asked how Alep and Abehe doing. 

I told him Fadli asked me the other day about him and how I replied "I think he's in UM" nonchalantly. It occurred to me that time as to why would Fadli ask me where Luqman is. Fadli is an observant shit haha. 

He then asked me who knew about Sandakan. I said I didn't tell anyone about it (but he knew I asked for dad's permission before going) and he said he wasn't interrogating. That thought didn't even cross my mind. I told him I know Alep knows because Kudus knows. Kudus were pissed that Luqman ditched him, haha. 

He said it was a good trip. I agree. I still have Kak Nik's and Maslan's plastic containers.

He asked how was the masterclass and I told him as per what I've written about it in the previous post, that I regretted not listening to him in one go.

He said he's trying to live living up to expectations. He's a registrar now, so he's expected to be in OT and read up more and balancing life. He's no longer the first year who goes home by 2pm. He's also smarting up his appearance with tied leather shoes, office shirt, leather belt, none of those scrubs or Skechers. He said he's taking a leaf out of Mr. Mad and Boss Tar's book.

I think he's doing better now he's in UM. I told him that, that he seemed better than when he was in UKM. He replied he's not going to bad mouth UKM but don't even say that 3 letters to him. Haha. I wondered what happened there. 

Anyhow I should learn more from him.

He hung up since he has to do his rounds. I thanked him for calling and wished him a good call. He told me to take care. 

I felt what dad might feel thanking his daughter for calling him. Thank you for considering me a "dear friend". 

I told Kak Elle that I'm a sucker for Lee Je Hoon. And how I can't even look at locals nowadays because help me he's so fine. 

See what I'm talking about. 

I ended tonight social interaction with Aslamiah who made me promise to take good care of myself and don't get warded. I told her that making promises is a mistake. Haha. But I thanked her and told her I appreciate having her.

BAPS masterclass every Saturday 5.30pm Malaysia time

I was doing my oncall rounds yesterday when Luqman texted me a link for BAPS something, telling me "feel free to join now". 

I didn't even hit the link, instead I asked him an unrelated question whether it's worth paying the annual fee for MAPS.

He replied saying I should, enrich myself with knowledge.

I still badger him with MAPS question.

He said to "join now. Have a listen" and only then did I hit the link and it was actually an ongoing international masterclass by BAPS. It was so nice. The lecture was so easy to follow and exam oriented.

I checked the attendance and what do you know, most trainees attended the masterclass. Including our current Likas trainees. So why am I getting the link from Luqman and not from them instead? 

I felt thankful Luqman remembered me. And I thanked him for sharing the link.

I remembered one time Luqman asked me what I think of his attitude and I answered truthfully that he's someone I look up to, that he's responsible and wise although questionable at times but I've decided long time ago that he's reliable so that's it. I restrained myself from oversharing that I actually think of him as an old fart.

I guess I should listen to him properly when it comes to our job. Don't let him tell me thrice.

Today I asked Kumaran why didn't they share the BAPS masterclass with us service MOs. He chuckled and said he actually forgot there was a masterclass and was only reminded of it. And he asked me how did I know of it.

I answered "from my big brother Luqman". 

older kids can go with 3mm. babies probably 2mm but we very rarely graft babies they heal fast most of the time

We were doing SSG. My first SSG since almost 2 years. I missed skinning people haha. Anyhow few snippets from OT today.

---

I posted the case and Alex asked who's going to do the case. I said Mr Fadli or Ms Aini. He asked again which MO was going to do the case, why would a surgeon do the case? I said the surgeons want to come. Makes me admire those days when the surgeons let us do whatever we wanted. I learned SSG from senior MO at that time. 

Alex asked how long will the SSG take place. Well usually SSG takes at least 2 hours but we have another baby KIV to post and I don't want Alex to not call this case. So I bluffed and said "about an hour?" 

"One hour my foot" was what the old man replied hahahaha. 

---

Me and Da Jun were questioning my surgeon. After two times stating her stand she said "I know what I'm doing" and I almost laughed. Poor her why la her senior MOs like this.

---

The mesher wasn't sharp. It made marks on the graft but it didn't go through. Such a hassle making nets by hand. Bila ni last sekali guna mesher? 

---

I burned the bleeders and then debrided some slough that was left and everyone paused because they couldn't implant the donor skin when I wasn't done. Alex stared at me.

"Everyone is staring at you."

I didn't even look up. "Continue staring. Might want to take a picture it'd last longer."

---

I subconsciously hummed to Tchaikovsky violin concerto while suturing. But then I got bored and offered the needle holder to Meryem.

"Yem sambung."

"Tak mau." She said tonelessly. 

She was first to scrub in but I felt like I took over the case from her. Yeah I did hahaha from debriding to setting the dermatome thickness (I told my surgeon it's 3mm but she said 2mm so we went with that but after the first graft I told her it's too thin so we set back the dermatome to 3mm see I know what I'm doing) to choosing the skin carrier to grafting to implanting and whatsit.

"Yem aku dah penattt," I held out the needle holder because I really was bored already.

"Tak mau."

I went back to suturing. 

adulting

I took the day off today for the sake of taking a day off. I got up, loitered around, cooked breakfast, and only decided to actually be productive by noon. I showered, cleaned my room and ironed every single work clothes.

Good for you.

And then I thought, why not get on to those Goals we were talking about. You said you wanted to take a course on writing. Let's do it.

But first. Let's clean up our financials first.

And so I did. Done.

I only consider our salary as fixed income, oncall and etc are considered extra. Based on that, we're spending as such

40% on loan

20% on parents

6% on investment

6% on education fund

12% on rent, phone and entertainment

You can get cheaper rent if you move out but that's not until October I think, cheaper phone bill once the current contract expires in November. Entertainment is just Spotify Premium and Netflix which totalled to RM15.50, keep this and don't be cheap with me.

And the rest 16% for gas, food, groceries and whatever else you spend on. Namely clothes. And little things. Come on Atiqah, we can cut on this. 

I'm proposing

40%

20%

6%

6%

12%

6% new saving, for whatever I don't know

Living on 10% for gas, groceries, food and etc? You do realise on some months you spend 6% on food alone? 

Yes. Thus my point. 

You're suggesting we live frugally? I like going into shops and buy things without looking at price tags. 

We can keep that attitude for groceries. Food, maybe. But clothes, no. You have enough clothes already. 

Little things, just cut them out. 

Okay fair, I can do this. 

Our saving is enough to sustain current lifestyle for ten months of not working. Meaning that's not enough to quit yet. 

How far do you even want to look forward to? 

I don't know. 

Me neither. 

Even if we don't want to look so far ahead, we can give the savings to the kids. 

Let's live frugally a bit. Let's try.

It's the loan that's taking up so much. 

Why do we even bought that place? No one is there. 

Ask dad. 

I did and the answer was satisfactory at that point. Now I think it's useless because no one is using it. It's a trophy place. 

kind radiologists in likas

One time I went to Radio requesting a CT abdomen pelvis for completion of staging and right femur CT screening for recurrence for a metastatic osteosarcoma patient. This kid was admitted on Monday for operation on Wednesday and Boss asked if Radio can do the staging pre op.

Tough. But I went to Radio and asked them anyway. Dr S was in charged of CT that day and this was more or less on urgent side so I requested from him.

He asked when was the operation planned because it was unfair to request on such a short notice. He was busy and he told me to ask other radiologist who will be willing to grant my request. 

I thanked him and went to find Dr. Dian who was in charged of appointment. I presented my case and Dr. Dian and Dr. Teh who was nearby explained to me why my request wasn't indicated. 

Osteosarcoma goes to the lung, that's why they only did CXR follow up and proceeded with CECT thorax when they saw that lung mets. If the primary team has always followed the case up with femur xray and they suspected recurrence, they would have requested an MRI femur. Unnecessary imaging will only bring doubts to your management. Somemore we're the referred team, it was Ortho and Onco being primary for this patient. 

Dr. Dian was per her usual chatty self explained to me while Dr. Teh calmly elaborated on her explanation and they suggested I discuss back with Mr Mughni. 

I went back to my boss and he accepted their explanation. Ms Hazlina said we requested because we're thorough and only wanted to help since the primary didn't request. 

Anyway we did our operation for the kid and post op Onco came and requested a completion CT abdomen pelvis for him. I am still confused haha.

What stuck with me from all this was how kind the two Radiologists were. They rejected my request and explained why it was not indicated. Granted osteosarcoma is not my expertise and they helped me understand their viewpoint. It was a contrast from the first Radiologist who was silently annoyed and just brushed me off.

That fellow week I had an appointment for a contrast enema to request. It was just before lunch break, I walked into Radiology and saw Dr. Teh sauntering around looking jobless haha. I greeted him and actually walked towards the board to see who was in-charged of Appointment but he asked me what I needed. I presented my case briefly and he signed my request form. 

It was so easy. It has always been easy to work with him. Later on I Googled him and found he's a senior lecturer and HOD of Radiology at UMS doing his fellowship in Paeds Radiology. What a befitting title.

yaya is so nice

let's take a break. im tired of this

I told mom I was thinking of taking a month off work to organise my life. I didn't get to elaborate because she commented that I should be grateful of having a job in this challenging pandemic time when people aren't holding steady job.

I told her I am grateful. I spoke in a calm tone, she too. I accepted that in front of her it is not okay to not be okay. Okay, fine. Then that's it from me. 

I think I'll work through this, ask Boss how long would he permit me to be on leave without it being a mark on my service. I wouldn't go home though. And I won't tell them I'm on leave. I'll just be somewhere and get my head sorted out.

Second option is get my leg thrashed and be on MC for Orthopaedic reason. 

Hire someone to beat me up? I don't want that kind of attention. ED might lodge a police report. Go tree climbing and fall down? Get into a car crash? I might hurt my neck or back and I rather die for real than be a vegetable requiring assistance 24/7.

At some point last month or so I was thinking of taking up smoking and then I remember smoking is haram. If that level of self harm is haram, what more this? 

turn off my thoughts now

The master intake interview was today. 

Since the invitation came on Monday night, I have told myself that I don't care about the interview, I don't mind the outcome. Dad said "I trust you, you can do it" and that I'm proud of you whatever comes. But to me it's not a big deal. It's just something to get over with. I'd sign us up for the creative writing course soon after we're done with it. 

But I still couldn't sleep before 2am. Why am I still so anxious about it? 

I was so looking forward to end it because I want to be able to sleep now, I can work on the department audit now, I can focus on my oncall cm, I can start that course now. 

And I should get myself something for attending it. How about that RM500 Onitsuka beau?

And it was done with. But it's still there on my mind. Muted a little but still buzzing at the back of my head. Akin to a computer with too many background programs running, the computer will lag and slow. How do you think I am now?

I wish I have a switch to turn off all my thoughts.

love is the 6th vital sign

His name is Benzion. One day Boss entered his room for review and called him "Benzoin." I tried correcting him but he still got it wrong.

"Boss panggil dia Ben je la."

But Ben is too short. I call him Benji because it sounds cuter. He is cute.

Today we closed his stoma. I just arrived at 6th floor when I met the nurses pushing his cot with the boy going to OT. So I escorted them. I played with him and held him up for the first time. Benji likes cuddles. MRO who cares. 

I wondered why I find him cute. Is it because he's fair skinned? Am I racist? 

I think I find him cute because God makes me feel so, so that I will show him the attention he lacks. Human are social creature by default, we need attention in one way or another. 

how to survive master training

Today I wasn’t feeling any chatty and stayed in my room all day alternating between writing and watching oppa. I missed Syukri’s call on purpose before I saw his messages asking opinion on a case, so I returned his call because I shouldn’t be a jerk to Syukri.

So tonight after the email came confirming my interview, I texted Kak Paan for Tips How To Excel The Interview. And I sent the same text to Pre who gave me great advice. Kak Paan suggested I ask Luqman as well and actually I didn’t consider asking him because I don’t know, it’s a 50-50 with Luqman nowadays. He might call and I wasn’t feeling chatty.

Bugger called me like 2 minutes after I sent him that text. He’s old, he doesn’t text well I guess.

After his customary asking how was KK, how was everyone at work, he asked about me. Apparently he didn’t know I sat for the MedEx or that I applied for the program.

“You’re doing the interview? I thought you’re having second thoughts about the program. I didn’t even know you took MedEx.”

I told him there are things I can only do when I become a surgeon, so I decided I should just become a surgeon.

“Sounds big.”

“It is.” Since I haven’t found a reason to live for myself, I might as well live for others.

Anyhow the old fart said he couldn’t give me any tips for the interview because he also didn’t know how to excel the interview. He told me to ask Pre and to ask Vicky who probably can dish out elaborate mighty tips.

Well Vicky didn't disappoint. 

“Be yourself but bit more impressive.
Enjoy your time Sabah before going into the program, but just because you’re in it doesn’t mean you won’t get to do things you enjoy.
Don’t worry, don’t worry, take the interview as an opportunity.”

The rest of his advices were How To Live Through The Program kind of advice.

“Take everything with a grain of salt.
Keep a clear head.
Don’t get distracted.
Do things that only benefit you.”

“I’m planning to do 90% listening and 10% talking for the rest of my career.”

“Make that 95-5.”

“Okay will do.”

He concluded with "call your parents for blessings and call your teachers, Mr. Tar." knowing full well I'm a shitty person who has a perversion to calling people. 

I've decided long ago that whatever happens, happens for the best. And that Luqman told me before i went for Sabah that "your time will come". And that I'm going to conclude my interview this Saturday with "thank you for the opportunity."
 

As Dong-hoon said, "It's not a big deal."

time spent versus time left

My parents said I can do it.
My surgeon said I can do it.
So why am I not doing it?

I am unmotivated. I realize I do not have a set of goals. How do you even start?

Talking to dad or Luqman will conclude the same thing. That I’m an adult who should decide my future myself. Luqman just few days ago gave me that vague advice, summarized as “follow your hunch” and I don’t feel like answering his call that followed after.

My hunch was to turn to MIASA. Is there someone I can call? I clicked on one video about steps to get help. The president said to get a mental health assessment done, that a severe assessment warrant a referral to a psychiatrist, that the only one valid to diagnose you is a clinical psychologist, and that not getting help will actually makes things worse.

I did get a mental health screening done but I didn’t follow up with a referral. I just lived poorly. I should have gotten help instead of living the past two years so fleetingly.

But a few years wasted is nothing compared to few more years to live.
Provided you want to have few more years and you want to live them, that is.

There’s that little voice again.
But it’s a little voice, there’s still the bigger voice.
Let’s get that help now.

So I Googled things. But they’re all superficial and vague. Then I asked Kak Ellina if she has ten year goals and she asked me how do I see myself in ten years.

I was thinking how to reply. Should I admit that I’m living day by day, barely a plan, don’t even see myself in two months what more ten years?

She then shared me hers. It was good goals.

DASS test taken

19 March 2019 - severe stage of depression, severe level of anxiety, very severe stress level.

7 June 2021 - very severe stage of depression, very severe level of anxiety, severe stress level.

I think there was one we took in between with results better than the first one. 

Added on the Copenhagen Burnout Inventory 

7 June 2021 - severe level of personal burnout, severe level of work burnout, normal level of client burnout.

For easy reference, next time let's just follow up with the questionnaire from Sg. Buloh, take the healthcare one.

What now?

cv what

Today I was updating my CV for UM and my thoughts were

We definitely could have done better

This amount to shit

What have you done with your life

What do you even want

Lucky you have a permanent post. Imagine having to renew yearly contract based on this shit

Am I being too hard on myself? Am I my own doom? 

Perhaps. It's best to be the end of yourself. 

Cmon let's do better. 

lies people tell

I was driving back from McD for supper when mom called. She said Mira and Along just called asking how's dad post vaccine. Ah you stupid lousy daughter.

Anyway. Conversations conversations. Then I told mom MedEx result will be out in a week. I asked her to pray for me.

"Semoga lulus exam."

"Semoga cepat dapat jodoh." I smirked.

"Semoga cepat balik semenanjung."

I asked her should I apply for transfer after the exam result or should I wait for master. Mom asked how did Fadhly do it? 

The first second after she asked that was me wondering who is this Fadhly she's talking about before I realised she was talking about Pali. I grinned. I have gone old and senile. 

So I told her he applied from Queen. Then I overheard mom talking to dad and they concluded I should wait for master.

I grinned. It felt like a trap. The thing is, Hadi said I should wait for the exam first before sending in my transfer request. And so I did. And now?

As Hannan said "Berapa lama lagi nak stay Sabah".

I don't know. Here I am complacent. I should go somewhere and challenge myself.

But let's talk about the second prayer. That was more interesting. 

As usual she never leave off that one. The reason I was smirking was because it can't be helped, I know exactly why I'm single. I'm a superficial bastard nowadays, I go for the eye candies and stay for the partnership. 

"Takde ke kawan dekat-dekat?"

Faces of whatever guys around me flashed through my mind but actually there was none. What guys around me? I don't mix work with pleasure. The face that did flash through my mind was Lee Je Hoon's. My grin got bigger. I was so screwed. Poor mom. 

So I replied to mom "Takde. Ika memilih sangat."

im high on dumplings

Ohayou!!!! Okay it's not morning but I don't know it just feels like.

Anyway it was a long OT day. I didn't want to scrub in because my stomach hurts and I broke my fast with chocolate drink and water so I was looking forward to ciao to go grab real food although idk what to eat. 

Funny thing though everyone left and it was me over the shoulder of my surgeon closing the abdomen while another MO assisted. I was criticising her closing in my head like the idiot I am haha. And then surgeon asked me "kenapa awak tak balik lagi?" 

It caught me off guard. I stayed because my surgeon hasn't left the elective OT yet. But if she's implying I should go home now by all means bye. 

I was already dressed when Naveena came in at 8pm with the Pizza Hut ordered for us. I stayed to eat but it left me longing for more. Although I had 2 slices, 4 pieces of garlic bread and downed a whole bowl of mushroom soup, I realised it wasn't to my taste.

So I went to Bataras and bought frozen dumpling and juice and had them for supper while joining the TPN webinar and watching Hot Stove League. It was niceeeeee I like dumplings so much. Such delicate flavour. Ahh chicken and prawn, what a delight. Which idiot made meat dumplings over the raya and made me suffer?