twoset

I should write how my day went, because it clears my mind. But instead I've been watching Twoset although it's a jab at my current situation. 

So. Let's begin. 

It started with a week off after 4 EOD oncalls. I had a chill week, getting to bed early, waking up early for solitude in nature, then come back for breakfast. I've always had toast with scrambled eggs and sometimes sausages, but one time I was so hungry after going to Inobong I straight up queued at McDonald's. Then maybe I'll hang out with Hamizah or Hanan, and there was a day picnic in the rain in Kiulu with Kak Dilah cooking up an awesome tomyam soup pasta. Man was I impressed at her camping cooking game. 

This week also I've discovered Twoset Violin and was instantly gravitated to Brett. Eddy is the more charming person but Brett, though he looks dead inside, awkwardly shy sometimes, he felt more comforting to me. They're lucky they have each other. 

Or is it that I feel like a Brett and wants an Eddy in my life? Suspicious. 

I saw a crested serpent eagle the other day flying solo, and it occurred to me that Brahminy kite is the least of my favourite sightings because they're always in a pair. 

Whereas here I am. Why am I here?

On the days that I was alone, I remembered the long drives I took. Soothing classical music playing or the random K-Pop stuck in my head, or just the window down wind blowing in the melodious bird calls. I would be admiring how secluded and cool the green forest seemed, how the dense foliage will hide any hanging bodies.. 

What a good place to die at. So calm. 

We should take a Grab so that no one will notice the car is around. 

Yeah, keep the car safe. Hakim can use it. 

Whatever way we go, we should go silently and so so quietly. Pick the least troublesome way to die. 

Isn't it easier if a tree fall down on us or a flyover drop or something. 

It continued on as I rested on my bed, staring at the ceiling fan above. 

Or if the fan fall down on us. A real bloodwork though. 

It's okay to get hurt and die, but imagine a head injury and also intraabd injury? Will we forget the past one year in Lahad Datu? Wouldn't it suck if Pali comes to visit and we forgot who he is? 

To the point that I went lounge clothes shopping for everyone at home to express that I love them regardless what I end up doing. I.. I don't know. Maybe that will the last they hear of me. I remembered planning to write a note inside 

I love you all

and debated over why isn't it

Ika sayang semua

instead but hey, I converse fully in English with Haru so that's a given. 

But then I posted the parcel out immediately after buying them and I forgot about the note. 

It happened many separate times, latest when I was on a walk yesterday at dusk at Sg Darus greenway. Which was my last outing before the rain poured that night and further mellowed my mood. 

Enough of this lamentable loneliness. I decided that today I would wake up for prayers, make breakfast but leave them heated in the grill, go for a walk and watch the birds, come back reheat the breakfast while jumping into the shower, eat and go to work. Start out bright, have a good day. Think of enjoying life. Sounded like a good plan, aye? 

Except I couldn't sleep until almost 1am. Imagine falling asleep easily past 6 days and tomorrow we're working and shit can the anxiety stop already? Woke up at 5am thinking why the hell am I doing this, what's the point, can we just go to sleep. I dragged myself down to the common washroom where I met Kak Dilah downstairs preparing to go jogging. She told me her car's battery was out so I asked her what time should we carpool. She said any time I'm heading out. I decided on 7.30am and then I went back upstairs, prayed and straight back to bed. 

I had only coffee this morning. 

We talked in the car. She told me she's decided to leave by the end of the year, late January at least. That us housemates should up and leave by next year. Enough is enough. 

Parked the car at the hospital and as we walked I asked her how did she maintained her momentum. I told her I'm demotivated. I told her how content I was waking up early last week and how I made morning plans to cheer myself up in the prospect of working today, only to have it crushed down by the weight of my high functioning depression, if that is the thing I'm going through now. 

How I am mostly alone (I couldn't tell her I didn't want to burden people with my company) and only with people when they invite me or ask me out. How dangerous my thoughts were when I'm alone. 

How I wanted to leave Likas because I've build walls to protect myself from being hurt again, although the triggers are gone I still associate Likas with hurt. How I used to go to work because Mr Mughni was around and afterwards because Luqman was around, that they were "my crutch" and I quietly fed on their mere presence. And how I now felt lonely in a team and it sucks on my will to live. 

She listened quietly. Subconsciously I might have chose the limited time we had from the parking lot to thumbing in to disembarking at our respective floor to breach this topic. She told me I shouldn't be alone with my thoughts. 

I got to ward for rounds. OT called for a case and I went in alone for two cases. In between I went to the PSICU to hand in my post op notes and met up with the team. I remember stuttering a bit in front of Miss Haz. 

Like, why? 

I quickly excused myself to go in for the second case. I was done by 11am and I went down to clinic to discuss a peripheral case face to face with Miss Haz. Much easier. 

There were Meryem, Naveena, Mr Fadli and Ms Aini there. I discussed the case. They were cutting cake for Fadli's birthday. There were also lunch. I was the first to help to the heavy meal (I was starving, imagine used to breakfast past 6 days and suddenly only a cuppa this AM) and I sat on my own in a darkened stall. 

I wondered why was I alone. Room 1 had Fadli in it that's why I didn't eat there when I chose my stall. I finished up and saw Room 1 had Naveena and Meryem, Room 3 was Ms Haz and Ms Aini, and Fadli was alone at the back. 

Ah yeah. Logic. 

I did my SKT and then I went upstairs to pray. Met Huwaina and Ulfah. Hamizah washed my telekung and when I opened the bag, there was a waft of softener scent and a full bar of Snickers. 

Hamizah is a sweet thoughtful person. And here I am a self centered person struggling with her sanity. What a life. 

I prayed first because Huwaina wanted to borrow my telekung. She was on COVID rotation and she asked me to help buy her coffee. I went down to buy both of them coffee while they prayed and later departed. I went back to my ward and we had our PM round. 

PM round done. It was 4pm and I could go back now but I decided to settle my LNPT because it was too sacrilegious to do work at home. At 5pm I waited for the elevator and suddenly a voice called out my name. 

It was Chief Kumaran. He told me to wait one minute. So I did. He went inside the ward and came back with his bags he left after his postcall. And he gave me three bottles of expensive looking coffee. He bought them at Tong Hing because the review was good, but he's not a fan of coffee if it's not hot. 

One for me, he said. And the chocolate for Ms Hazlina, he said. And the other one for whoever, he said. He already gave one to Ms Aini. 

I wondered if he gave to the other MOs, but I didn't ask him that. I once got straightened by him because I was sassy and I have since know to be respectful because he is experienced more than me by at least 10 years, he deserves at least that. And when you do that, he shows the good side of having a senior care for a junior. 

Like this. Expensive coffee. I'm gonna have this tomorrow morning. 

We talked until we thumbed out and went our ways. I realised I could talk to him and him with me within the short moments we have. Probably we're both old shits who are comfortable with old friends presence. I appreciated our exchanges. 

I picked up Kak Dilah and we picked up dinner to have it together with Ufairah at home. On the way to the restaurant my car did a jerky movement every time I hit the gas. Urm what? Spark plugs? Let's not be a gearbox issue please. We Googled and Kak Dilah called her brother while I texted Fitri and yeah nvm this has to wait. I love you but I'm busy working for next three weeks I don't have time to send you to the garage unless you're leaking oil. Please hang in there? 

It didn't jerk as much from the restaurant but when we were leaving, a mutt came up and barked as hell at the hood. Especially at the left side of the front. He followed us barking as hell and I was cautious because I was afraid he'll run up front and I hit him. I wondered out loud if he smelled danger from the hood and it was a warning to save us? 

"It's not a good omen with the jerking and then the barking. Oh well."

Life goes on. You die when it's time. We drove slowly back and dinner was uneventful. We talked about work, I mostly listened. 

I'm full and should go pray Isya now that I've got this out of my system. 

Tomorrow I'm oncall and this week we have one major OT per day lining up not including the emergency ones. What a festive with two MOs doing EOD calls. 

4d3n kk kb kudat km sdk kundasang kk

First day period today so I was extra snappy. On the drive to RDC I apologised to Luqman for being snappy yesterday and in advance anticipating I'll be irritable and as he put it "emotionally handicapped" today.

He said he didn't realise nor care that I was snappy yesterday. I told him I apologised for my sake. Meaning for me to feel better about myself disillusioned that I'm a good person. He said he is good at reading people so I asked him what he read about me. He wouldn't say. Whateve idiot. 

Anyhow snippets from the drive today. I was speeding and cleared 240 km in 3.5 hours, plus pre Ranau was downpouring so I had to go 60km/h. Sandakan to Checkpoint was 30 minutes, CP to Sapi Nangoh was 30, Sapi to Telupid another 30. I tolerated his slow pop music for the first 2.5 hour of the drive but it was raining and I was getting more tired. 

Don't you have anything more upbeat?

I listen to trance music only when I'm in a trance. What do you want? 

Whatever as long as upbeat. Ko-

I don't listen to Korean. 

Fine whatever upbeat then. 

I chose something mainstream. 

What the. Ariana Grande of all thing?

I don't listen to this, this is mainstream. 

Ahh play Love Scenario please. Just give me this one. It's already playing in my head. 

Love Scenario... iKON is it? 

Yeah that one. 

Atiqah quietly singing to Love Scenario with subtle shoulder move while manoeuvring Old Man. 

---

I told him the dream I had on the night before we departed. I was driving the Old Man along a hilly road, winding and steep and we swerved down into the river in the valley. 

Did we survive?

We did, though it was a long drop. 

That's why it's a dream. 

The Old Man didn't though. I remember being busy finding a replacement car. 

Between you or the Old Man dead, I'd rather you die. 

... That's good to know. I laughed but I did feel a bit hurt. And for a second there I thought maybe it's better should I die too. Just for a second. 

I just need to bury you. For the Old Man I'd have to fix it and I don't have the cash for it. 

---

We had a clear Akinabalu with a length of cloud underneath it and the orangey sunset hue. I was excited.

Get a picture now please! 

Why should I?

Take a picture Luqmannn. I was driving along a hill road and trying to take a picture and this bastard not helping. I'm going to endanger me- us! 

It's just a mountain. 

It's a mountain yeah but it's not just a mountain!

You're taking this too seriously. 

Take it laaa dude you're not a good henchman. 

Fine. I'm doing this just to stop you nagging. 

Thanks. I told you I'll be snappy today. 

He struggled. Fuck it I'm just going to enjoy the view. 

After a few seconds. 

It really is majestic. 

It is! I've been driving here many times but I've never get this orange sky with clear Aki post rain. 

It's just a view. 

It's not just a view! 

friends dont let friends get into trouble alone

Luqman suggested to go to Kota Belud. I don't mind.

Then on the way back he said to pack for up to 3D2N and elaborated that the plan was to explore KB, then up to Kudat to meet a friend, then to Tongod to explore heart of Sabah, and then Sandakan. 

My only concern was how to get through the roadblocks. I detest lying. 

"I've nothing to lose. Except maybe thousand ringgit. But I need a wingman. I can't drive all alone in case of car trouble. If you're chickening out, you have the night to think."

I snorted. "That's a good choice of word." 

one day you'll be okay and until then

Luqman said "After this you can go on trips with Meryem" our junior colleague. Probably in preparation to him leaving for home, probably making sure I have friends. 

He said this before and I scoffed in respond. This time I just turn the other way and looked out of the window. 

I don't want to go on trips with any of my Likas colleagues. I just don't want to.

Before saying that he asked me when am I planning to leave Sabah. I chuckled at my demise. "I wanted to leave after MedEx," I told him. "Get it over with. But that was when MedEx was in October. And then it was postponed to November."

"And now January. So you'll be leaving next year."

"I'll have to see by next month how," I meant how am I coping without friends with me. "Maybe it'd be sooner than that."

bro can he writes... i feel like trash. yup this blog is trash.

I penned a personal anecdote extolling the old man.

Hitherto, the reckoning of having to leave prematurely due to the current pandemic never ceased to linger. Its inevitable and I have to come to terms with reality. 

November marked the end of a memorable 5 months in enchanting state of Sabah. She is like a graceful lady and I have to admit I fell for her demeanour. 

Time, the essence of the remarkable solitude and fortitude with mother nature was spent with great satisfaction. Never have I imagined that I was bestowed with the privilege of time to trot around in a rugged, sturdy 4 wheel machine, manoeuvring around steep and precarious slopes, muddy terrains and shallow riverine. The notion of being immersed in the wilderness has never been enthralling. Mountains rose majestically taking its desired position, juxtaposed perpetually , forming stark hues of greens, captivating the bemused eyes.

Pristine rivers cleaved through the deep valleys, intertwined, tantalizing those from afar. Dense rainforest coloured the mountain range vivid green, mists scattered haphazardly, and the pleasant melodies of the birds are deeply engrossing. Its intriguing that this land is blessed with myriad of geographical wonders, appeasing to those who are incessantly smitten by its beauty. Its bemusing and the call to explore the wilderness is quite irresistible.

Nevertheless, Sabah is no home, but it offers the comfort akin to home. Its a place befitting to be called home. An overwhelming feeling of disillusionment and dispirited harbours, having to part with a place that is fondly reminisce, realising how it will be envisaged upon my return back home.

atiqah has always been full of bs

I have dangerous thoughts.

Few days back I've been coming up with a list of why I shouldn't get myself killed yet. 

1) I'm oncall tomorrow

2) I'm out with someone (I only hang out with Luqman or Mizah nowadays) and I can't die now lest I be a burden to them

3) I'm a Muslim and I should not get myself into Hell

4) Kak Elli said she didn't want me to die

5) Poor mom

Today we went out for off road trail and my hesitation and doubting the Old Man can pass cross the river stopped Luqman from crossing with The Old Man at Kg Terian. So we parked and enjoyed the river instead. 

Yesterday I had to change into COVID suited attires and was in a scrub without a cap on exposing my hair and neck because I was in a hurry and couldn't find a cap where I was changing. I couldn't look at anyone because I hoped they wouldn't look at me. Fadli didn't say anything but then Luqman saw me and immediately asked where was my cap as I dived into a cap drawer. It was embarrassing but I was grateful someone called out on me not taking care of my aurah. 

So today we're by a beautiful river. The weather was hot and the river was so so cool. I want to dive in but I had no spare clothes and was wearing cotton and I do not want to get them soaked and clinging on me. 

But this river. When will I come here again. My ferocious Fiesta was not made for this trail. 

I hesitated but he urged me. I knew I wouldn't hesitate if I was alone. I went in only waist deep and just played by the bank. He jumped in where he suggested I should go and yeah as I expected the current there was strong. Then he left upstream away to explore the area. 

I made sure he wasn't looking my way before I went into where he was. And then the dangerous thought came. 

"It's okay even if you die."

I remembered my hesitation had nothing to do with having a male around me. It had everything to do with the dangerous thought I have when I'm in deep waters. 

The current was strong and I couldn't stand upright. I changed my course to the banks and my knee got a good beating onto the rocks. Then I quietly sat in the shallower water. 

And then I remember I shouldn't be a burden. That's one of the earliest thing Luqman ever said to me, back when we were cycling in KB backyard. 

My anxiety, or whatever. They are mine. I shouldn't burden people with it. I told Luqman yesterday when he was telling about Miss (he was also generalising all female) and her periodic good moods that my feelings are my own and I shouldn't subject people to it, and at my worst I am quiet. 

We made our way to Kg Buayan. We came across a river and it was my waist deep. He ploughed through this time and I congratulated him. The rest of the journey was fun. 

At home, I sent him pictures I took of him and he thanked me, calling me "a good henchman."

He called me out correctly. I do lack the confidence to cross deep rivers, with myself because of my dangerous thoughts and with the Old Man because it's old and I don't know its limit. It broke down on us once and I don't know how deep of a water is too deep for it. I know now. 

Plan somewhere that interest him. He's oncall tomorrow so I'm off the hook cm. Instead of going somewhere new, I'm thinking of driving up to Gunung Alab, park by the hillside watching the coastline and feeding the stray dogs. Alone with my sadness. 

im high risk to be hated by my superiors

Surgeon: Aku nak Iris.

Surgeon pergi ambil Acson dan guna. I stared. 

Me: Tu Acson bukan Iris.

Surgeon: Aku sebut Acson kau dengar Iris.

Me: Takkk. 

thanks for feeding me bro

Last night I was crushed with an overwhelming sense of sadness. I don't know why and I started thinking what should I do now if I die tomorrow.

I should straighten up my financials first. Leave things to the siblings. 

Then suddenly Arif sent me an in-game sunset picture. How did he know to check up on me? I replied him immediately. And asked how he was doing. 

It had been raining yesterday evening and I had no glimpse of nature. Perhaps I should do that. Go sit by the bay every evening.

I was still sad. I wanted to cry or do something hurtful. Perhaps it's seasonal depression. I asked if Yaya was busy and if I can have 15 minutes. 

She called me instead. I didn't really wanted to talk and she sounded like she didn't know what to say anyway. I would tell her to just blabber about her days or whatnot but I didn't. I just answered her curtly, and elaborated on what I think I'm going through. We talked for 19 minutes. I excused myself, went to pray and slept. 

I woke up not wanting to wake up at all. But I dragged myself to work and was silent all through the round. Miss as usual with her pettiness from feeling responsible for every micron and us confusing her and not actually helping her. I just kept silent. 

We finished round. She finally went off. Fadli, Luqman, Naveena and I talked more freely. Luqman went to get food and suggested I eat something heavy before OT call. I picked through the food and he paid for two. 

I grinned. That was my first smile of the day. 

dont run

Stop living in the past.

This blog is to vent. Just because there's an archieve doesn't mean I need you to dig things up. 

Definitely don't read up old messages between deleted flings. You deleted his contact number for a reason. 

He was ready. You were immature and wild. You were not worth his trouble. We parted ways, you deleted his contact. You did that. Whatever reasons and how long it took for you to do that, you did that. It was done. Don't you dare look him up again.

He's happy now. I know that because we looked it up. And right now, yeah you're not happy. But then again your happiness is not with him. Never was, never is, definitely never will. 

Stop hurting me by digging up things. It makes me want to run away. Don't make me run away again. 

anxious atiqah and hellish haru

Was texting updates to my surgeon after PM round when he suddenly asked

ko kat mana ni

nak cakap skit

Yeah he's a humble chap who designate aku - kau with his MOs. I've known Fadli since my HO days when he was a registrar and I call him by name behind his back, but to his face I call him with his title lest I become too aloof and cross lines.

Anyway I told him I was in ward. Then Anxious Atiqah started to flabbergast.

What did we do this time? Were we too overconfident in dealing with cases? Was there any case came to clinic apparently we decided plan without consulting? What what

Chill. We'll worry once when it comes, in the mean time don't worry about shit. It doesn't change things, problems will pass, it'd be fine anyway.

I waited for him to come. And all he told me was the plans for patients after he'd discussed with Ms Haz.

See, told you it'd be fine anyway. 

pick up

I'm supposed to sleep now cause Mizah is picking me up at 7 cm but sleep is for the weak.

Anyway this morning. Luqman was saying he wanted to go to Telupid and Tongod and Tawau etc this weekend for a trip. I told him parks all closed la PKPD. He didn't buy it and although I know already Tawau Hills Park is closed, I pulled out my phone and called Arif.

It was 10.30. He's likely working. My phone was connected to my car Bluetooth and he answered the call. Sounded muffled. Ah he's donned in. 

Arif, tengah round kah?

Ya tengah round. 

Okay later. Bye. 

I hung up but I was grinning like heck. I really like it when people pick up when they couldn't talk. It makes me feel I'm worthy, at least of an explanation.

potamologist day at sungai libudon

I got up at 9.15 from a phone call. I was actually already awake but I didn't want to leave my bed. Who would on their off day, some more it had been raining continuously since 6am yesterday. 

It was Luqman. He asked for a favour. Sure what's up. 

"Pick me up at Inanam. I sent my car for service."

"Okay send me your location." I was gonna just wash my face throw some fresh clothes and head out. 

"Wait. Are you even up?"

"I got up from your call." I could see his face thinking useless kids he has to deal with.

"You pick up fast." Well I thought it was mom calling. He is assigned my family ringtone. "Go take a shower first."

So I took my shower, put on a pair of jeans, a long sleeved ratty tee, threw my parka on and my worn out Crocs. I was just picking him up and send him back, right? I can get back to bed after that.

I did wonder why he didn't just call a Grab. I would. I once walked an hour in the rain from the mall to home because my parents were working, I didn't want to call him, and I was distrusting of cabs.

Of course, the answer was he planned for us to go merayap. He told Mizah to park at his place and we took my car. I asked him where to. 

"Penampang."

Penampang is a huge ass area. "Penampang towards Tambunan?"

"Yeah."

I know that area and drove there without GPS. Luqman knew the area better and asked to stop at the next Shell to stock up on his cig. Throughout the day he smoked about half a pack in my car and honestly I had a headache from the stench (plus maybe because I was fasting) and my car reeked. 

I hated the fact that my car reeked of cig and the fact that my headache might be at least 70% contributed by him smoking. I decided then I cannot marry a smoker. 

Why didn't I complain? Because he's my brother. I tolerate shits from him just because of that fact. Anyone assigned as my family will get that kind of treatment from me. 

I know, I'm a sentimental idiot. 

"Lovely weather. So gloomy, depressing."

Well that kind of talk is typical of a recently stoned Luqman. 

So we went up until my favourite area along Sungai Kibunut. I asked if we're going there. He told me instead to go straight, and take the left at the junction of Jalan Tudan Poring.

And then he took a nap. 

Mizah wondered if we're heading until Tambunan. I said we're just midway. It's a day at Banjaran Crocker anyway. 

The journey was beautiful. The ethereal view of heading into lush forest with cloud and mist limiting your vision. Add on a scary tune and it'd be straight out of a horror flick. The hilly slippery road was awesome. I had fun driving. 

Our first stop was downward left at an ongoing tarring road. We stopped and admired the valley view. Luqman asked if I think my car can make it down and explore the road. 

I said no I'm not risking it. The road wasn't completely tarred and it was still drizzling. The car can go down but God knows if my car can grip back up. I stomped my feet into the asphalt road and it gave way into mud, proving my point. 

We then journeyed on and took another turn right. We were met with a Myvi parked and then a waterfall of a stream with rapid current covering a sorry excuse for a bridge. At the other end was a slope of a road upwards. 

I didn't think we would make it, it looked deep and my car will be flooded but even if we do make it, if it rained more we're likely to be stuck at the other end. Plus as Mizah said, even the Myvi was parked. So we turned around and journeyed on. 

And met the lower end of the previous waterfall. 

We turned around, of course. Luqman suggested we try the first stop. Oh why not.

It was a fun ride downwards about 3km, easy despite the asphalt not yet setting in, until the end we were met with a bridge under contruction. 

We had to turn around, of course. But I couldn't drive up. The tires didn't grip and the off rail light was blinking. Haha okay. Let's try again. I tried once to no avail, so we decided to park and go for a walk at the lower part to see what's there. 

A stretch of rapid current next to an abandoned campsite. It was so cold and the toilet there was axed. I needed to pee so I did what I had to..

We regrouped at the car. The construction workers were getting on their Hilux and observed us. I stared at the slope and back at Luqman. He grinned at me and  said we're just gonna have to walk up. I asked him what about the car to which he replied with a grin. Idiot. So I tried again. 

Nope, not gripping. Luqman then came up to my window. 

"They said you have to reverse."

"Oh okay." That's a first for me. Reversing up a slope.

"You have a lot of spectators. Don't disappoint us." And then he left to stand with the others.

I almost thought he would take over the wheels from me, like what Vicky tried to do last time. But this is Luqman, he lets me make mistakes, he rarely takes over and he'll dish out wisdom afterwards. This is why Luqman is family, he has a lot of faith in me. 

Or maybe he's just stoned. 

So I reversed the car. Prayed and hit my accelerator. What followed afterwards was one of the most fun driving experience I ever had. I was reversing up the slope so fast and so smoothly for about almost a kilometer before the slope plateaued and I could right the car. Luqman and Mizah were hitching behind the workers Hilux and they were left in my dust as I sped up the rest of the road.

Safe. The Hilux dropped the two of them and I waved them my thank. Mizah then told me one of the workers saw me at the driver's seat and he said

"Perempuan kah? Mataii."

I laughed. I'm proud of my car and me. 

Later on our way back Luqman suggested I wash my tires at a nearby crossable stream. He said it was shallow and level suited for a Fiesta. We went there and I was aghast.

"This? You think my car can cross this??" Even from a far I can see it's deep and my car will be flooded if I cross this.

"Sure can. Trust me."

"I trust you but not this time. Look at that!" 

"Cannn. My car can. It's shallow and it's even."

He drove a Land Cruiser. I gave him a stink eye and walked up to the water. It was fast and I had to roll up my jeans at the water edge and I can see it was deeper in the middle. I turned around back to my car and yelled my distrust. He came out grinning and to prove his point that it was shallow, started to wade into the water. 

It was up his knee. This old fart. 

they call me trouble

Mom called today. 13 minutes call duration. 

She asked about me. There's really nothing worthy of mentioning and nowadays the only thing going on is when is my next oncall, which is tomorrow. 

Then she asked about my friends by name. Mom has always remembers my friends by name. I updated their location and that they're still alive managing COVID. I think. I last contacted Arif on Tuesday over my first oncall in Likas, Syukri on Friday mulling over this shitty career path, Savinder maybe 2 weeks back but he updated his IG so yeah he's alive. 

At the end of it she mentioned about my cousins who just got engaged and married to their neighbours. It clicked that the cousins are all younger than me but hey, comparison is the thief of joy and so the click went away as soon as it came. I told her that's good, convenient. With MCO in there's no need to argue where to balik kampung to.

Then she told me to get married to someone from the same state. I sniggered. 

I remember she told me years ago not to marry a Kelantanese because at that point of time few Kelantanese men we know were marrying second behind their wives. Anyhow I told her to find someone for me. She told me not to be picky and no one's perfect and I have flaws myself and I have to live giving and taking, and to go find him myself since I have friends in front of me. I told her the only thing in front of me is a wall, literally because I was on the bed staring at the wall. Figuratively it's MCO and I'm in Likas where good guys are either taken or gay. 

I wanna go to New York when this is all over. 

hand at fishing

This evening Luqman invited to go see sunset. There were him and Mizah and we fed a bunch of fishes Starbucks croissant and I had some of his coffee. It tasted like smoke and my throat felt dry.

I don't think I'll ever take up smoking. 

We went to the edge of the jetty admiring the sunset along a group of anglers. I walked up to a lady to see what she had fished. And then to her group of friends. The guy was friendly and we chatted how the fishes eat chicken liver because "ikan-ikan di sini pernah terluka jadi mereka makan hati" legit and he let me had a go at fishing.

So I stood there with my borrowed rod and admired the setting sun, praying maybe a fish will fall for me. 

I looked around and saw Mizah and Luqman where I left them. And later they were walking around. 

Yeah so I easily ditched them and easily chatted up with some stranger. I surmised that

1- I am more comfortable talking to strangers because that's what strangers are. You say hi, bid goodbye and never see each other again. Such short period thus warrant easy and light interaction. I'm here for a short time, not a long time. 

2-  If I walk with even number of friends, I am most likely to ditch them and be alone. It happened in Switzerland, it happened in Paris, it happened in Spain. So it definitely will happen on local ground. 

Why do I do that? 

I didn't catch anything of course.