So the year is ending. My resolutions were actually:
1- Find something to go home to.
So far it is my bed. I'm basically failing.
2- One hike per month.
Oh who am I kidding. I stopped hiking and thus counting.
3- One poster per three months.
That was too ambitious. I'm lazy.
I think that was all. Haha. Should we do this again next year? Make resolutions and not achieving them?
Actually I miss Luqman so much. Really really miss him. He is my brother and I always go to him for all my problems.
And I'm having problems at work and I'll remember he told me to call him for anything but I'm bad at calling people and I don't want to bother him and I'm an all-round brat so I never did. I'm not good at prying and barely know about his circumstances. But he's always around for me whenever I reach out for him.
Anyway. Today I texted him to spread the pride of Vicky conquering Lowe's Peak. He asked me if I went up with Vicky.
I told him no. And that I actually just got back from home because I needed family comfort and Mr. Tar's pick-me-ups.
He asked why I needed pick-me-ups.
So I told him my situations. And bla bla bla.
He said I can always call him if I needed someone to talk to.
I told him I remember that every time but I'm a brat.
And now I'm crying. Urgh such a spoiled brat.
Somehow I went reading through past entries and came across the Tag PTSD. It was when I was going through that fire at my apartment.
Truthfully I forgot how the whole ordeal ended. I remembered I went up some stage somewhere to receive the money collection from the Embassy and I asked for help from the Ambassador while I was onstage.
But I couldn't recall whether that help was asked before or after I gave up after going to the third police station in Cairo to settle the legal issue and achieved nothing. I skipped few classes for that. And I went by myself because I couldn't bring myself to ask someone else to skip classes to help me, only to settle nothing. They'll only be coming along for company, and having company doesn't settle things.
At first I was struggling to get myself back. Afterwards only I realized I had everyone around me with me. Lin organised for the girls to make that huge card for me. I still have it. Oh God. Ah, I'm wiping tears.
Thing is. I cried a bit reading those back. Can't believe I went through those but I did. Maybe that's why I'm so stubbornly independent. Must be.
My past self did a good job penning those words down. I know I wrote some of those with tears down my face. Didn't expect to have a bit of tears down my face reading them almost four years later.
After I restarted life with the Muntalaqians, I think it was around that time that Hariz's place caught fire. And then another girls' place in Mansurah.
Every time I go back to Kelantan, I'll be sure to go back to HRPZ. I know, lifeless much yeah, but I really love the memories I have of this place. This place has taught me a lot on life, on humility for the past gruelling two years of my housemanship.
Most of the time it's an impromptu visit and I don't make arrangements to meet with anyone. I believe in this thing called "jodoh" haha. I used to meet up with Luqman every single time I stop by even without making arrangements to meet him. We just cross path and I'll accomodate myself to his plans. I miss this old brother. I hope he's well in UM.
Anyway, God will always put in my path the people I'm thankful for.
1) First person I meet was Mr. Zuraimi hahahahahahaha what a joke. I felt so bad because I see him at the hospital more than I ever tegur him at home. He lives two houses away and thank God he was his jolly self and still recognise me.
2) Kak Salehah, my Paed Surgery MO. I had something for her hehe. The housemen said she left to go back already but when I pass in front of the pantry, I saw a laptop bag with casenotes in one bag. Only MOs do that. I swung inside and there she was eating her late lunch.
3) MR. TARMIZI yazzzz last time I only got to say hi boss sihat? and give him his Raya package because he had other meetings, but it was past office hour and he invited me into his office! So happy, regardless the first question he asked was when am I applying for Masters. Followed by what surgery can I do now and when am I retaking MRCS. Ahh.
It's always stressful to meet him because it's like a status update of where am I at becoming a surgeon. I can't tell him I'm indecisive and want to play around more. But I'm grateful he's taking the role of a mentor, so I need to show my gratitude by being a good mentee.
4) Abe Nik my Anaes MO whom I'm friends with on Facebook. It says a lot when you add a colleague or superior on Favebook, for me it means I like them as friends and respect them enough to want to be in the know (I have three Anaes MOs and two Anaes consultants on my friendlist, and only one Paed Surgery MO how about that?).
I saw him but he was on the phone so I'm like should I say hi or not say hi. I then took my phone out and kept walking. He called me out hahaha. Thanks Abe Nik, you and your dramas, but I still learned a lot and had so much fun in Anaes and will always be grateful for them.
5) Saufi my Cairo senior who is now Paed MO. He was going to ACC OT for a standby so I walked with him. It was a funny talk really. Saufi was saying how he sees me so happy in Sabah going here and there. His single lady colleagues are taking leaves and going overseas for travel while he's here saving for a wedding, for his future kids, to buy a house and to retire.
... Okay Saufi. I'll do that too.
I'm a bit obsessed with Captain America. Reason being because he has someone he would sacrifice and fight the whole world for, which is Bucky. I want a Bucky too.
So I've had
1- two Captain America shirts
2- an infant Captain America onesie I wear on my bear
3- a Captain America wall sticker
4- a Captain America phone cover
5- a Captain America cable organiser
6- two Captain America cable covers
7- ten Captain America's shield iron-on patch
8- Captain America stamp!
9- Captain America pens
10- Captain America passport cover
It's not much, really. So I ordered some more.
11- two Captain America carpet
12- Captain America USB drive
13- Captain America socks
My parents laughed. Dad said I'm embarrassing him hahahahaha that's the first time I'm hearing this.
My ward is cold, OT is colder, ED is coldest. My sweater was in the car but I was running between ward and OT and ED with no breaks in between so I had to suck it up. I ended up worsening my runny nose and my eye went running as well. The problem wa I had no non-sleepy medication on had. There was no Clarinase in stock in our hospital. I cannot risk taking a Piriton and not woken up for whatever. I was oncall.
I was able to sleep at 3. Woke up at 4 for a referral that after assessing the child was a TRO acute appendix in district and was stable, I went and forgot what it was about. Woke up at 5 groggy as hell with partial airway obstruction, made coffee and showered. If anything else, I need to clean up.
AM round and my nose was ahead of me. Started clinic and my eye got worse. Had to apologize to all my patients for having such a germ-infested doctor seeing them today.
Break. I met Boss and discussed this and that. Then I asked him what he had planned in the evening. Any teaching, meeting etc. He had a meeting so I asked him if it was okay if I sit out from round and crash down a bit. My nose and eye were on a marathon.
He grinned "Teruk sangat ke oncall semalam?"
Yeah it was horrible. You almost made us laparotomy a child at 11pm Boss. I almost cried when you decided that but I would have done it anyway, work is work. Sleep deprived is something we face everyday, nothing new.
But I can't handle running organs Boss haha. I just needed to take some meds and I'll be good. At the expense of sitting out on PM round.
Boss said it was okay. He asked about our sleeping arrangements in the MO room and volunteered out his office for us to sleep in.
But I felt bad. I felt, weak? I can't complain to an almost pensioner, it's not fair. He had worse during his time and there I was asking to step out.
I went back to ward. Rummaged through our in stock medicine cabinet. Took what I needed and sat on the couch in the MO room. I fell asleep few minutes later.
Here in Likas we have guards guarding every ward entrance. I'm quite familiar with the guards who are stationed at my ward and some periphery wards we're used to commuting to.
You should know that the guards in Neonatal wards are familiar with postnatal moms coming in and going. And whenever I go there at night for my oncall rounds, sometimes they'll stare at me a few seconds before allowing me in. I heard they couldn't decide whether I'm a postnatal mom because I was selekeh or I'm a lost teenage kid.
This happened during my last call. There's this guard who is about my height, male, he has this smile that is friendly and very welcoming. That night he opened the door for me and asked me
"Kau umur berapa? Nampak macam belasan tahun."
I stopped to answer him. "Aku 28. Kau?"
"Aku 24."
"Kau juga macam belasan tahun."
We're now on an eyebrow-raised acknowledging level.
I'm oncall tomorrow on Deepavali. I'll be alone MO oncall gor Paed Surgery besides my oncall surgeon.
Today at PM round that extended until 5.30pm, we decided for two laparotomies coming morning. And one trauma case transferring from Lahad Datu.
Did I say I'm the only MO oncall alone tomorrow?
I'm gonna go get sushi tonight...
Today the team went for lunch together. In my car.
Carine was promoting how I keep my car clean. Mr. Ashok commented my plate is almost akin to my name. Then he opened the passenger door, looked around and said he should get his car cleaned as well.
It was a bit funny. I hardly ever have a passenger as space-occupying as Mr. Ashok. He filled up the space in the passenger seat and he looked like he needed more leg room. But Visha who is just a bit smaller than him was sitting behind him so I don't think he has the choice of reclining the seat.
He sat there with his schoolboy grin. He looked around curiously. Pointed out "What's that?" at my MP3 USB and wondered what kind of playlist I have.
I turned the system on. Muse was playing Supermassive Black Hole. Haha.
Then he turned to the passenger door and held up the thick Grosfeld's Principles of Paed Surgery I had there but barely open. His grin looked happy.
"Now I know who to ask questions to."
I'm screwed. I need to study harder.
(1) I realized no one discussed next week's OT with Boss in clinic yesterday because I was oncall yesterday and was stuck in OT since morning. Takde orang discuss, maka takdenya orang call patient for operation la kan?
If I didn't discuss, no one does. Why? Should I have asked someone to? But we're a team and it's our team's OT, isn't it?
Or am I shallow and naive? Yup, I am. I should have asked someone to do it.
(2) Today is 30th already but I haven't finalized next month's roster. I drafted MOs side two weeks ago but as I presented to my colleagues it, one by one my colleagues came to me with their requests that they didn't put up on the board. And I obligingly edit again, one by one. I am nice to everyone except to myself.
After the fifth editing, and I was asking Vicky again what date was that he was busy, he answered vaguely and said "You don't need to think so hard."
I snapped. I told him I need to think hard if I want to accommodate everyone, which was my aim.
I should have put a lesser aim and just dish "Request lambat, aku tak layan. Kau buat jadual sendiri." or I try harder. I chose the latter, which makes me feel like crying.
(3) Visiting Ranau tak setel lagi. Astaghfirullah. Miss was just reminding me and oh God, I need to get it done before she gets back.
(4) Belum liase dengan MO Labuan lagi. Astaghfirullah. I need to sit down at clinic. This was a favour from Miss. And of course I know why she asks me to do this.
(5) Audit Tahunan Surgery tak payah cakap la, tahun lepas punya pun tak buat lagi. Memalukan Boss.
(6) Belum kira Audit SSI Appendix dan Performa ARM yang baru nak finalise.
(7) I'm sleep deprived, malam tadi semua orang pun call. NICU call, patient kami worsening (baby passed away later today PM.) Kota Marudu call refer dog bite. PSICU call, CBD dislodged and the Anaes MO asked the nurse to ask me about it oh come on, really Jeck?
(8) I can't do my work at home because my laptop's Microsoft isn't working and I'm staying back at work to do this stuffs, which makes me irritable.
(9) I need food.
(10) My surgeons are telling me to study. I know I need to study. I'm just a service MO with no family commitments and already this overwhelmed. How do I do this more efficiently? I am not matured enough to juggle all this but I need to be. How to be? Please help.
Oh God. Who am I even talking to?
In a bid to do something to get out of this slump, I took Vivky and Mr. Ashok's advice of putting goals for myself.
So today I went to Mr. Ashok with FOUR study proposals hahahahaha. And he's criticizing each with
"How is this going to help you in the future?"
"How is this going to help the community?"
With the rate everything was going, there was chance this was never seeing light. So I told him
"I'm doing all this because I want to do something or else I'm going to go terjun sungai every weekend until I get leptospirosis."
He got that I wasn't joking. But I said it in a happy manner.
Later I went and see Boss about it. Started my talk with
"Saya mencari kerja ni Boss."
It's a go for two of my proposals. So here's to Atiqah being serious.
It's possible that people are just so lonely and crave human attention but fear being seen desperate and being rejected that their feasible option is to talk to themselves. And envy Eddie Brock for having Venom around him every single time.
Like me, here, back conversing with Haru. Not what a matured adult will do. I want a partner of equal wit who will take the trouble of doing a lot of work on me and vice versa, but I'm too coward. Guess that's what I am these days.
On another note, Boss told Mr. Ashok what I vented to him yesterday, so this afternoon I had to deal with Mr. Ashok's funny little smiles and teasings saturated with 'I want to make this kid feel a bit better'.
It's all good. Funny, really, I'm uplifted. It shows that he really is a nice guy for feeling that he has to cheer his MO up. And I felt sorry that I've hit a low slump that someone else felt the need to cheer me up. A bit comforting too, I guess. At some point you get tired of always having to cheer yourself up.
I was remembering Clannad a lot these days, you know that anime I adored growing up? Nagisa used to not feel so inspired to go to school, so she would be dragging herself to school and when she get to the gate she'll say out loud what she wanted to eat by the end of the day. Something for her to look forward to. Like "red bean paste bread", simple stuffs.
That's what I've been doing. It's always just the first thing on my mind. Whatever food. All day I'll be like "I can deal with this, I'm getting sotong after work." And I'll drive myself there and buy them for me. It's saying something that I'm getting through each day by looking forward to accomplishing tiny goals like what food to eat. What happened to the bigger stuffs? Haha...
Today I felt like Big Apple's doughnuts. By default I don't fancy doughnuts with all the superfluous toppings. I usually just eat Krispy Kreme's original glazed that's only available in few places in KL and I have them like twice a year top. So today's Food Goal was a little too out of character for me. But since it was the first that I thought of since yesterday and me and I had a deal, Food Goal is Food Goal, I have to get some Big Apple's doughnuts today. Eating them is second.
I thought of dragging Vicky with me because that guy actually has girly sweet tooth and he can then eat the doughnuts. But that will entail me having to answer his questions of what's wrong with me and I don't need people asking me difficult questions I can't even answer myself.
I bought two pieces. They're still sitting on the drawer.
At the end of work today, I waited for Boss to finish at the clinic and had a talk with him.
Started off a bit reluctantly "It's not my place to say this.."
"But I'm listening," he said with his grin. He knew what I was going to say.
So I told him. I told him I'm worried about patients' safety, which brings me to worry us MOs are not learning the right thing, that will ultimately create an unhappy working environment. I told him what the reason for my concern do to us MOs behind his knowledge and I saw him frown.
"You all tak happy ke?"
"Saya super happy bila Boss ada." I smiled the sincerest I can. Our Boss is the best. "Seriously super happy."
In which he grinned. And then said "Then I'm worried bila saya tak ada..."
"I'm being put in a position to do something but I don't know how to, because when I open my mouth to even say a word, terus saya kena. And I think that's why I'm stressed up."
"As the head department, how may I help?"
"I'm not bringing this up to dump everything on you Boss, because we're a team, but I don't know. Maybe we need to have a better communication with each other."
Did I tell you I love my Boss? He's up there with my dad. I miss my dad a lot. Why the hell am I here in Sabah? I want my dad.
But I have Boss, so I guess I'll go to work and be a good MO for my Boss. If he's not in, for visiting or course or something, you can bet who's not showing up...
Hahah that's crazy Atiqah. Allah bestowed you this knowledge. And KKM pays your salary.
But not enough, they still pay me HO's salary. And I don't work for money. Sobs.
Haru & Associates