Adhesive obstruction post open appendicectomy

First day back at work and I'm oncall. I'm the one who do the roster so I have nothing to complain about.

It was a lot of firsts for me. First time I spend the night sleeping beside a patient so that I'm awake for her fluid resuscitation. First time I take out the scan machine to aid with my management.

I felt like it is a bit of success for me as a surgical medical officer. To resus an ill patient so she will be fit enough for operation the next day, and I did. I asked feedback from Vicky and he said my fluid selection was "perfect" but I think he's exaggerating. He said the best would have been to resus the child in ICU.

I kept asking myself if I could have done better, and I think the answer is colloid, and yes ICU admission. I would have the child on closer monitoring, a single nurse aiding me, I would still sleep beside the patient like I did when I was an Anaes HO in ICU.

Both of which I didn't think at that moment and my surgeon didn't suggest, too.

I'm just getting some sleep for myself now. It had been a long day at work and I had to excuse myself from assisting OT because I could barely stand straight. And never felt more the need to sleep in the car before I return. Good night.

Lesson Number One: Don't Be Lazy. Since Atiqah = Lazy, then be Haru

You're paid to work. No matter how underpaid it is, you're paid so that others can sleep.

Wait at the counter for your incoming cases.

See them as soon as they're there.

Talk to the parents. Fill in all the gaps.

Remember thick abdomen.

Remember flushed face.

It's better to assume the worse so you are prepared for it.

Don't let tonsils misguide you.

And review back your newly admitted cases in the morning, especially those after 12. We know how sober you are past midnight.

The Spy Who Dumped Me

I called my parents to rant out today.

Haha nak mencurahkan perasaan?
Ye la habis nak call sape

He stopped laughing. Maybe I came across in a wrong way, I didn't mean it in a pathetic kind of way. I'm a strong self sufficient person and lately I've only been calling when I'm serabut of some sort. As we talked they asked me what I was doing. I told them I'm catching a movie.

Dengan siapa
Sorang
Takde kawan ke
Ika memang selalu pergi mana2 sorang pun

Still in a matter-of-fact way. I'm not one for self-sympathy. So I ended up ranting about Miss then I realized it's such a petty problem. Mom then her usual

Dah ada gewe belum
Belum. Mama jumpa dah ke

I feel sorry for making them worry about me. But I don't know. I mean she's right, she knows me well because of the question she asked. She knows I'd rather be dating than commit to something serious. Can I just have fun? Screw around? That's probably a bad idea.

Pissed Off Saga continues

Mr Ashok asked me what happened in OT yesterday, he did notice something bad happened because I was unusually and scarily quiet. He told me the reason he kept on hitting my arm, stomping on my feet, and let me close the skin was his attempts to cheer me up.

This guy I tell you, I have no idea why those are his ideas of cheering someone up, expected I guess for a prankster born on first April. But the closing skin did cheer me up and so I told him yesterday I was mad at Miss.

He said he heard from the scrub nurse today that I had it bad from Miss and that I didn't deserve all those scolding.

I really understand why my Miss is behaving like that and that's why I'm still okay with her, just pissed off because she kept on putting words in mouth and using my words out of context.

Today was another Fuck It Day since my surgeon apparently still at it pissing me off. But I didn't cower away from her and sat opposite her in front of clinic and maybe she took that as us pissing each other off but still chummy with each other. I guess that's what being family mean, you feel like killing each other now and then. At the end of clinic, she suggested we have KFC. I think she remembered I was mentioning KFC in OT yesterday and I saw it as her asking for a truce. So I ordered lunch and she paid.

Middle of the round, I broke off from the team to refer Medical two patients while they all proceed round at periphery. By the time I was done and regrouped with them, my surgeon turned to me and said "Siap dah laparotomy?" with a smirk. Why la this lady...

I wonder what will happen tomorrow but more than that I want to see how long she'll keep up that attitude. She knows I'm pissed at her, because she commented "sikit lagi Atiqah nak pukul saya" and "nanti Atiqah marah saya" and I just laughed when she said that.

You have no idea...

Pissed off at my surgeon: A saga

Today was a bad day for the whole team. The team is in a shamble.

On my side, I was scrubbed in for four hours with my surgeon who vented to me and at one point it was on me and I got pissed off. I remained fuming in silence the rest of operation and the scrub nurse was the one trying to set us straight again.

She kept asking am I okay and when she asked one last time after I scrubbed out, I gritted out "of course I'm okay, why wouldn't I be fucking okay" and that started today as The Day Atiqah Cursed All Day.

My colleagues cowered and thought I was in a bad mood because of them when in fact I was pissed off at our surgeon haha...

I sat down to write the OT notes, couldn't stop my hands from shaking in anger, threw my spectacles down and declared "I can't do this" and went off to pray. I came back relatively calmer, stopped Vicky who was helpfully trying to write OT notes for me, he even tried to make me rest and not scrub the next OT.

I went up to him, my palms together apologetically and I said "Vi you're my beloved bro, but not today. Don't tell me what to do."

I dragged him out for dinner later, he probably said yes to make sure I don't do illegal things like get drunk and crash the car into the sea. 

Happy 28!

The past two birthdays were spent oncalls, but this time I have the weekend off. I almost book an RM 300+ room with ocean view but in actual I'm not spending much on myself. Actually very frugal.

It's 11pm. I'm in my car, in my sleeping bag, at Hosp Kota Belud's public carpark in front of the ED. What a way to celebrate myself. Maybe I should stick to doing calls on my birthday.

Anyway I'm not going to stay up. I'm going to Subuh at the mosque then head out to see sunrise at Akinabalu cm. Adios.

bilateral VUR post bilateral reimplantation

In the morning I was stooping to examine my two years old post op patient when I noticed his eyes transfixed on my nametag. I held it up to him.

"Yoyong suka nametag?"

He pointed with wonder at the right side of my tag. I flipped it to see what he was pointing at.

"Ni logo KKM. Yoyong suka logo KKM?"

He mumbled out baby words. He looked so fascinated. I guess it was affirmative. He then pointed out at things on my nametag with me describing what each was. My face, my name, the phototherapy table, drug dosing, my locker key, my cash which he tried to fish out.

"Duit," he said. Dasar budak mata duitan haha.

Tonight at the end of visiting hour, I was reviewing patient in the acute room when I heard a male child screamed. Then I saw his family walking out.

"Yoyong menangis nak ikut ke?" His sisters nodded with a chuckle.

I got up and went to see him because (not in order of importance or truth):
1- I care about my patients especially when I'm the only doctor for this whole ward today
2- I don't like screaming kids because it sounded like a pain score ten and we're a pain free hospital
3- He has three drains out of his body and we'll be crying if any one of them was dislodged and kid ended up with strictures.

Yoyong was laying on his cot kicking his legs while his mother tried to stop his kicking. "Nda bulih ikut," his mother tried to counsel him but the distress was palpable. Child was crying with tears. Emotional pain score is ten out of ten. The drains were so far intact.

I held up my nametag to him.

Took me less than a minute to calm him down and I stayed with him until his tears dried up. He was especially fascinated with my locker key and used it to poke at his red toy lorry. When he wasn't looking I took my key back and assured the mother. I said good night to the perplexed boy looking for a 'missing' key on his bed.

And I returned back to my acute room. My drains are safe for another night!

The next day during rounds Boss offed his drains. So much for keeping it safe overnight...

Atiqah and her tire issue

My posh friends from district came to KK last night for a movie and they booked a hotel for the night. Posh people I tell you. They headed out very early for their Brunei roadtrip so I had the room for myself. Had the shades opened to enjoy the sunrise from the comfort of the hotel bed. This was my view. It's always a good idea to rise early in Sabah because the view is so nice.

After a sleep in, I checked out and sent my car for service. I'm terrible at car maintenance so I called my dad and brother who both didn't pick up. I resigned to my fate of being at the mercy of the counter guy. I told him I need to check my tyres alignment (bro told me months ago) since I blew up my front tire months ago and he said they don't do that here, I would need to send the car to a tyre shop.

Dad later returned my call and said to get the tire alignment and balancing checked, probably swap the front tires to the back etc. I asked him why and when, he said he wasn't sure either and I need to read on that. Sigh I'm really not good at this, not even sure what to read on either.

After the service, I messaged a few people who didn't reply on the spot (what did I expect). I decided maybe it'd be a good idea to go back to my place, shower, eat, then regroup. I've only been to a tire shop once in my life and that was the one in front of our house where dad is a regular customer, so I dared to go on my own. But this is KK, first time and I'm on my own. I don't even know who to ask, what to ask before I step into a random shop.

Maybe ask Savin to accompany me to a tire shop, but he's in KK to maximize his time with his friend so I shouldn't do that. Or Vicky but he's postcall and knowing him he'd still be in the hospital for whatever reason. Guys should know cars better right? I don't know any girls who know about car maintenance.

I decided to go back and on the way back send the car for a wash. Then I saw plenty of tire shops on the road back, close to my regular carwash place.

Should I wait for people's advices based on their experience? Should I have someone accompany me and be my guide? Should I marry a handyman and leave everything to him? Or should I make my own mistakes and experience at whatever cost that might be?

I decided to go with the latter and went into a random shop. Parked the car and went out, slowly approached a guy who nodded at me expectantly. Perhaps my awkwardness was palpable. I told him my problem and he took a glance at the car.

"Tayar kanan depan nampak lari, makan dalam sedikit."

Either he's good or he's bluffing me. I wouldn't know any better but I prayed God have mercy on me. He asked if I got the left tyre changed recently and I told him about the blow out. He suggested I change the right tyre and he'd do the balancing after. I agreed.

Midway through the changing brother returned my call. He said I should use the same branded tire for each end of the car, since the recently changed left was a Good Year, I should get a Good Year for the right because of the thread. I told him too late, they only have Falken and it's already dismantled.

I asked if it'd bring a great misfortune. He said it depends whether I'm speeding and the road post rain or not. I could drift off course.

I'm known to go at least 60 km/h at a corner. I won't bet on changing my habit, but this is potentially life-threatening. Huh. So much for making own mistakes and experience.

Hadi also told me to get the fronts swapped with the back since front tyres worn out quicker, and that there are plenty of tips written on Facebook and such.

But I was done. I don't know. This is like a non medical parent with an okay child with a problem. I want the best for my child but I don't know whether this problem is big or small or perhaps he's fine. The doctor will say something, right? The tyre man would have suggested to swap front to back now, wouldn't he? Or not, because it would be adding more work at no advantage for him? I don't know. Should I have asked him? Retrospectively thinking maybe I should. I should.

It was almost noon. I paid for the tyre, dropped my car for a wash and meditated at the mosque. I hope I'll marry a handyman.

Why don't we just consider it a surprise eh

I don't like not knowing what people want from me. Case on point is Vicky.

He's always nice with me. But not necessarily to others. Even as his HO he never got mad at me to my face and I never knew was it because he never had to or because of my status as dad's kid.

Same thing here. Is it because he never had to or because he's friends with me or because he needs favours while he's here or because I'm friendly with my boss.

That's bad. I actually feel bad for him. Imagine people not trusting your kindness. What is wrong with me.

Babyfaced

I have baby face except for my eyebags. Coupled with the fact that on casual days I wear cotton tshirt and cotton pants, add on the slippers or Crocs, maybe a backpack or none at all. Especially if I take my glasses off. Makes me look like a kid.

I don't mind. I won't be approached to buy this or that. I can just go about doing whatever I want.

Today at home there's a contractor around fixing stuffs around the house because none of us is handy. After his team was done we served them some chills and the pakcik asked me

"Adik sekolah mana?"

I grinned at him and ran away. I didn't have the heart to lie, but if I tell him I'm in the workforce already in this shabby attires I'd just bring shame to my family name.

But I realized afterwards. The next time someone asks me that question, I'm gonna reply my alma mater SMI Aman. Although it was more than ten years ago already.

Partner

I'm at home, fighting afternoon drowsiness for a needed nap and watching X Files. Mulder and Scully at it again, with her admitting her insecurities to him.

I guess when you have a trusted partner, that's what you do. And proceed from there.

---

I'm seeing a pattern here. And doesn't need psychobabbling to know what I want right now. Maybe even what I need. Heh. But since when do we always get what we want?

"I run towards my problems instead of away from them, because that's what heroes do."

Today us housemates had our first full house iftor together. Then we prayed Maghrib all five of us and we went to Masjid Bandaraya in a car for our Isya and Terawih. And then we went back for moreh in the kitchen.

And Kak Adilah made that comment, that it was the first time we're all seated together.

Yeah I know. It's mostly me missing. I don't hang out with them much. Even today at iftor I actually made sandwiches for myself while the rest ate home cooked rice.

I have a problem. In which I run from what appears to be good things. It happened when I was a student, when I was a houseman, and now when I'm an MO. I don't know how to fix this. Good things are good for me, generally speaking. Makes you a better person. But I sort of feel like it'd make me a boring person. Well.. boring is subjective, so I should change my definition of boring, but still. Maybe that's why I'm running?

I like to think that I'm a good person myself, a good person who is attracted to bad things. Like how I'm a closeted fujoshi? (Not so closeted now that I'm writing it here, but it's not like anyone's reading this.) Maybe I like challenges?

Anyway. I don't think I'm going to just.. embrace and accept the good things. Because I have this very inert urge to just run away from it. So yeah. As of now we're still going nowhere with this issue.

Is it a comeback

I'm postcall.
I didn't sleep well last night, had a trauma case later after midnight.
I worked per usual today.
Went for iftor with V and Subiha at Imago after work.
Later at night I'm back at my place.

So why am I still not asleep at past midnight?

I just wasted 4 hours doing nothing

Facebook is for attention hog, but I am one but still with humility intact, so here I am ranting in my blog hoping someone will care. Well they don't, but I need to get this out anyway.

I live in my room alone. I have housemates but I'm embarrassed by my lack of social activism compared to them so I don't deal with them much beside coming and going from my room. To be frank I meet them more at work than I do at ho- I mean at this place.

I'm carefully avoiding the word home here, because home is Lundang. Second is my car. Third is my hospital.

And as history from my second year in Egypt has proven, I cannot live alone. I need a roommate. I just need a physical human sitting in the same room, we can do nothing, I just need someone around. I need to be with another human or I'll become useless. So recklessly useless.

But I'm stuck in my room because I don't have anyone nearby I want to hang out with. When I'm tired of this room I'll head to my car and go somewhere, but still I'll be alone in my car, going to somewhere alone.

I need a partner. That's the whole 2018 resolution. But I'm not doing anything to actively find and have one.

What am I doing.

Yeah Maisarah lives half hour drive away. She's a friend but not a partner level, especially not now that she's married, she's dutifully occupied with her work and her LDR husband.

Partner level is like Umair. If only Umair lives nearby, I'd be crashing at her place now and then. Like EOD.

Living in Sabah is like living in Egypt all over again. I still need to be somewhere by 8am. All that freedom without my parents around. Ease of transportation.

Except I don't have a partner like when I was in Egypt.

I need help. Please advice.