Base of right second metacarpal bone with palmaris longus tendonitis. Also fucked up my whole flexors from immobilisation. Do you know your thenar eminence is wasted?

I sustained a fall about a month ago and fractured my dominant hand. I'm taking a break from operating for obvious reason and this ingrate child finally returned home to recuperate. Just throwing it out there in case you see me in Kota Bharu. 

Today I reported duty to HRPZ and the first familiar person I met was this tall person who was one of the best Ortho MO during my time wrecking havoc in HRPZ (read: housemanship). I

I was waiting with a grin as he chatted with some of his staffs. The moment he turned to acknowledge me, I greeted with "Salam Dr. Annas. Ingat saya tak?" 

Dr. Annas Yang Tinggi grinned back and held his hand up. "Talk to the hand." Haven't heard that one in a long while. I broke into a bigger shit-eating grin. Did I tell you Ortho was my favourite posting during HOship? I have no idea why I do Paed Surgery. 

He brought me to his office, where the table cover was glass and the chair was plush. He's the deputy director now, but cue me being the annoying HO, gushing how big his office was and how unfortunately lame the office view was, haha. 

"Macam mana boleh jatuh?" 

"Paip dapur pecah. Jatuh masa mop." 

"Ye ke? Jangan ingat saya tak tahu awak pergi masuk hutan sana sini. Nampak je dekat Facebook tu." 

I know I have high risk behaviours but trust me, I'm very careful with injuries to my hand and perineum. I wear gloves whenever I go trekking, my steps calculated. It would have been cool if I broke my hand boxing the hell out of shit but no, it so happened while I was mopping. 

Per catching up, he suggested I see Mr. Samsuddin in KPJ for my follow up, which I did after settling my formalities. Mr. Din, Allah bless him with more wealth and health, sent me to one of the senior physiotherapist Ikram in HRPZ, who did a good number on me. I was both grateful and head filled with profanities because of him.  

"Esok pukul berapa boleh datang untuk physio?" 

"Bila-bila pun okay. Saya free." 

"Pagi?" 

"Jangan la pagi sangat." 

"Pukul berapa bangun?" 

I laughed out loud. 

Anyhow. I bought canned coffee to give to Ikram tomorrow. I feel like I should buy coffee each time I want to curse a person.

I always wonder if I did not look like a doctor but then again I still wear the same casual outfit

I was walking along the Staff Only Route when an Edgenta staff called out to me. He thought I was sesat so I silently showed my ID while we entered the elevator. 

Staff: Oh staff. Tak nampak ID tadi. HO ke? Atau pharmacist? 

My outfit today was a beige patterned tudung, black cardigan hiding a white tshirt, black hiking sandal, black hiking pants. I wondered if I did not look like a doctor. 

Me: Saya MO. 

Staff: Ohh. Baru ke dekat sini? 

Me: Ya baru 3 bulan. 

Staff: Ramai ya MO baru2. 

I felt the need to assert my dominance. 

Me: Sebab saya sambung belajar. Jadi pindah2 hospital. Ni hospital saya yang ke 5. 

Staff: Ooh. Medical ke?

Me: Surgery.

Elevator stopped at his floor so I eagerly: Bye2.

Will this blog owner ever become a good person

Went to Kangar visiting today to run the OT. Did 5 cases (8 procedures) assisted by senior MO there. Then Ms Jun finished the clinic and then joined us to do the last case, a buried penis. I think I should be able to do the next buried penis. 

We went to PICU to do rounds. Two things happened:

1- The MO was presenting the case while I sneaked to see what's the kid's name. Then I went to her side and talked to her. 

"Naira… Naira okay? Ada rasa sakit ke?"

I was crouched down to her level on the bed, close to her, my voice quiet and soothing. She nodded as I asked how her blackened fingertips were. 

Man, I talk so lovingly with ill kids. I imagined this is the tone to use with a lover. Hey Hisashi-kun. 

2- The intensivist mentioned that she discussed the case with Mr Tar because he doesn't mind ever being consulted and I thought was this person papa's trainee? Her name is Dr Rozaidahanim. I was gonna text dad after we're done here but then Ms Jun went and introduced me to her. 

"Kau kenal tak-"

I put my nametag out to introduce myself but-

"-bapak budak ni? Dr. Hanifah."

Erk. Introduce me first la why my dad!

Dr. Rozaida's face lit up. "Dr. Hanifah ayah awak? Kirim salam dia. Dia bos paling baik you can ask for."

"Haha.. ya saya kirimkan salam."

"Awak anak yang belajar kat Mesir tu kan? Ada dia mention dulu."

"Haah ya.." I grinned. 

"Master Paed Surgery sekarang?"

"Saya nak ambil Paeds, tapi ayah saya kata saya tak cukup bertenang nak jadi Paediatrician."

They laughed as we bid our goodbyes. 

Mengendeng

Postcall. Woke up mimpi mengendeng dengan Abang Dan. Every minute I was snuggling closer at his feet. Cozy in sweater watching the world burn. 

Probably because the room was too cold. I woke up intermittently from referrals and finally turned the aircond off.

In the morning I texted him my gratitude as a coworker. Wished him to be a great paediatrician and hopeful to work with him again. He replied as politely.

Menace in OT

I was in OT at 9am cause I grabbed breakfast first after passover round. Mr Hari did told me to take my time so I did. He was already unscrubbed leaving Mr Ganesh to finish the chordee release. 

"Sorry I'm late."

"That's fine," Mr G said. "Take your time. Go put on some music, grab a coffee or something."

"I'm not good at those managerial domestic things."

Mr G looked up to Heng. "Managerial domestic things she said."

So I opened YouTube and picked Top 100 song which was the generic Calm Down, Charlie Puth etc. 

Later as I was typing the op notes, Bieber's Baby was playing. Sarah the Anaes asked me to change songs. 

"What's wrong with prepubertal Bieber?"

"Sarah wants P. Ramlee songs."

"Ah even older. Okay."

I couldn't figure a good playlist to play. Heng decided to pick. 

"Let's listen to some spa music."

It was a playlist of soothing music. "For relaxation, positive vibe, curing insomnia… We are depressed people, we need depressing songs la Heng."

Self love for idiots

Yesterday Zafran was being harsh to himself in front of me and Syukri so I told him 

"We're too harsh on ourselves, which we shouldn't. Kau kena baik dengan diri kau. Kalau bukan kau yang baik pada diri sendiri, sape nak buat baik dekat kau? Kalau bukan kau sayang diri kau, sape nak sayang kau?" 

"Isteri kau," Syukri replied and the two idiots fistbumped with stupid grin on their face. I smirked. I have a lot more to say but let the married people lie to themselves. I'm content where I am.

Today started happy

I was running almost late to work today but I also stopped for people. 

1) A motherly young lady saw me from afar and called my name. I'm like "this is my senior Cairo, she was in KB doing her Paed master, her husband is a GS trainee named Farid, but what's her name again?" 

I called her "Akak! Buat apa sini?" She was so happy to see me and even took a selfie with me. She gazetted in HTA and is posted permanently there for the time being, with Farid doing his out campus rotation in HKL. She was in PPUM for a conference. 

Belatedly I remember that was Kak Mushamma so I DMed her on Instagram with my phone number so we could be in touch.

2) Chot was walking towards me when he said next month he will be posted somewhere else. 

"Mana?"

"IJN."

"Good luck bro." I gave him a double salute. "Aku pun pindah pergi Alor Setar."

I saw Danial walking towards me as I was saluting Chot but I just turned the other way around, punched in and walked towards my ward. 

3) Few steps after, a tall person with deep voice greeted me on my right. 

"Hi Atiqah."

"Hi Danial, apa khabar?" I didn't have to turn to see who it was. Such a polite chap, I felt bad for earlier on deciding to ignore his presence. 

"Baik."

"Masih di Respi?"

"Ya."

"Bila kau exam?"

"Dah exam dah." 

"Oh." I know they had their clinical exam last week but I don't know who sat for it other than Syafiqah. So Abang Danial is younger than me but a specialist already. 

We stalled in front of the junction because Danial is taking the normal way to the right whereas I'm taking the service shortcut route straight. 

"Bila kau exam?"

"Setahun lagi." I grinned. 

"Oh."

"Bye." I nodded and left. 

I worry about my bros

Zafran didn't pass his exam today. He looked so sad with that fake smile as he walked past all of us towards his bag. I got down from my seat on the counter, rummaged for a piece of chocolate in my bag and grabbed a bottle of water. 

He was in the room with Kuhaen and Wei Sheng patting him on the back. I handed him the chocolate and water bottle. 

"Balik rehat, makan, tidur. Aku oncall esok." I'll cover for his oncall tomorrow. I expect him to EL tomorrow. He smiled at me but God it was so fake I hate it. 

I texted Kak Paan and Vicky the result. I think Kak Paan contacted Pre straight away.

Shafiee walked him out. Kuhaen asked me if I know where he stayed. I don't know exactly but I know people who know. I mirror his worry because his family is in Kelantan and God this is even depressing for me, what more for him? I hope he eats. 

I made a call. Someone asked me who I was calling and I said "An old friend I haven't call in ages. I hope he knows it means urgent."

Mustaq didn't answer. I'm sure that means he's oncall. I know for fact Mustaq stayed over Pre's place a few months ago so he would know where the place is. I left him a text. 

I called Luqman second. He didn't pick up. I felt betrayed, the last time I called him was November 2022. How could he not pick up my call? This bitch. Oncall or not, he knows I don't call people unless it's urgent. 

I called Kak Paan directly. She asked me to check up on Pre still at the carpark (I did but I missed him) and I asked her to ask Mr. Mazwan his rental address.

Mustaq soon responded to my text and yeah he was oncall. He understood the situation and I got the address from him. (I texted the address to Kuhaen as reference.)

A bit funny though the conversation because I was unsure what to address him as. He was my MO so I used to call him Dr. Mustaq. The last conversation was me congratulating him on passing his exam which I addressed him as Mr. Mustaqim. But I felt he is more like a bro than a colleague so today I ended addressing him three times differently; Mr Mus, Mus, and Abe Mus. 

Then I texted our junior teammates telling them Pre didn't make it so could they say kind words to him. And then I recruited Syukri as part of Zafran Mental Well-being Caretakers.

I was still pissed at Luqman (misplaced, I know. I'm just being immature.) so I only texted him a vague "I called about Pre. Hope you'll keep an eye out for him" two hours later, as I was walking to do my laundry. 

He called few minutes after. 

He didn't even know Zafran is sitting for the exam this weekend. I guess Luqman too must not be doing well at work if he couldn't extend his care for his bros. 

He asked me if I'm worried. I told him yeah, because I know his mental liability. Kuhaen is worried too, it was his idea to get his address beforehand. His family is not here, so I guess that makes us the closest help he can get. I told Luqman that Kak Paan and Mustaq are looking out for him but physically Luqman is the closest. 

He said he wasn't that close now, he last saw him just after MAPS which was two weeks ago? I meant closest as in logistically. Kak Paan in KB and Mustaq in Kuching. I feel like I'm part of the brotherhood but I don't have a prostate, it's inappropriate of me to knock on a brother's door. I just wanna know if he's eating and if need be, I can send someone to knock on his door. 

He asked who. I said Syukri. Luqman said he'll give Pre a call tonight. I asked him to text me just so I know he's okay. 

Am I overdoing it? I just.. if I fail my exam I would want people to leave me alone but also not be alone. I know I would skip meals and just let my ulcer bleeds. That's why I want to know that someone is actually having a meal with him. 

I hope Pre doesn't give up. I'm praying Allah make things easy for him and make him stronger. 

Remember this pain and don’t do this to yourself again please

4 years ago I was rejected by the person I confessed to. What followed was a rebound, the worst fuckgirl persona of my life where I took advantage of an emotionally vulnerable person. 

And then 5 months ago Timah tried to matchmake me with a guy, who I then rejected on our supposed third meet because he ghosted and stood me up. 

Two days ago Syukri my junior colleague, this gossiping first year Master, a happily married guy, somehow asked me about my love-or-lack-of-it life and that made me reminisce of my fuckgirl persona when I was a HO, friendly with guys with no romantic intention at all but unfortunately lead on some. It made me remember that person. So I texted him saying I missed "you guys" and I heard he did well in his exam and I hoped he's happy and well. 

What do you know, he actually carried on the conversation and eventually asked me 

"Is there anyone you currently admire?" 

I actually read the message when I woke up at 10pm after sleeping the whole evening once I got back from postcall. The room was dark and I blinked few times to make sure I was really awake. This was way out of the blue. I was more than thrown off guard. What kind of question is this? I confessed to him, didn't I? Asking me this is leading me on. Why did I fall for a fuckboy. 

But I remained calm and replied "No one new. How about you?" 

To which he replied "Nothing new." 

So you're single. What now? I went back to sleep. 

The next day I straight up asked him why "nothing new" when he had passed the exam already, and he said he's stressed with thesis now. 

So let's add to his stress then. I consulted Kak Elli before I texted him what I was about to text and Kak Elli told me to be ready for his reaction. I mean, he rejected me already. What could be worst? Kak Elli said of him not replying or even blocking me. Well if he ghosts me then that means he's dead to me, how easier it is to move on. 

So I texted him "I actually had a different reaction to this. I was 🤨🔪 "what kind of question is this, you know I like you"" 

Lo and behold, he actually did something unimaginable. He carried on the conversation! 

"Errr who knows you dah found someone else yang you have a feeling for 😅 Last time when you were in Sabah you had kan" 

"You mean you?" 

"Tak. Someone else. One of your colleagues dekat Sabah" 

I can't recall. I don't think I'm that kind of fucker who talks about other guys with the guy I like. 

"Hmm cant recall. Must be insignificant, not memorable" 

The only guys I'm friends with in Sabah would be the Lahad Datu boys. I do remember I once told him about the team once, but I lost all messages from pre April 2023 after I switched to this iPhone so I can't confirmed. But why would he even remember that kind of thing? 

"You're probably talking about Fadhly. He's my senior in Lahad Datu. Admirable work ethics and surgical skills, a friend. 100% platonic. I've only ever confessed to one person je." 

There, I said it. 

"It was me kan 😅" 

"Yaaaa 🙃" 

... This piece of shit. I officially renamed him in my contact as This Little Shit. 

After a while I needed to ask. "Are you enjoying urself?" 

"As in?" 

"I was wondering why you're asking all this. I didn't expect the conversation to take this turn." 

"Errr I was just casually asking. Let's just forget about it 🙏🏻" 

What kind of fucker does that, casually ask the person who likes them to relive the fact she confessed to him and was turned down? God this is really the worst, I didn't expect this. This is worst than being rejected, this is straight up disrespecting I'm a human who has feelings. Fucking feelings for this shit. Why did I do this to myself? 

"If you say so." 

Unbelievably he carried on the conversation to personal matters, which I answered. He knows I still like him and he's casually brushing it off. God. This hurts, but why am I doing this to myself? It was almost 2am and I'm oncall in the morning. Why do I even want to be friends with him? I have friends who better respect me. That's enough Atiqah, no more. Remember this pain and don't contact that person again. 

"Sorry I can't just forget about it. I’m not proud that I haven’t moved on and still am just a human with feelings, but I shouldn’t have done this to myself. And I shouldn’t have let the conversation took this turn. It hurts that you’re just casually asking about it though, not that I expected anything else. I’ll move on. Let’s not talk about this again. Have a good day ahead." 

And then I deleted his contact and archieved the text before I went to bed. Woke up begrudgingly and went to work. Intermittently lost focus when Alis was passing over, I blame it on lack of sleep. 

Then the suicidal masochist in me read his reply that came at 10am. 

"I am so sorry I didn’t mean to hurt you in any way, and didn’t think thoroughly before asking you such a silly question. Stupid me. I don’t want it to ruin our friendship." 

Am I such a great friend that this person wants to be friends with me? I barely keep track of people and I only text them at random. I pray for them though, it's part of my Egyptian upbringing. And you Atiqah, you have other friends anyway. What difference does losing this one make? 

"Yeah you shouldn't have asked. Anyone else can ask me that but not you 😅 I know you're a good guy…… though a bit insensitive and tactless in this matter. I guess I'm too. Apology accepted, and I'm sorry too. If you're in front of me I would have smacked your head haha. With that, we’re cool. I wish you happiness." 

" yes please smack me. Only then I would feel like being completely forgiven. Hope it didn’t ruin your day too & wishing you a good, calm oncall."

To live happy, you need healthy food and healthy relationship

One time I was doing rounds in PICU and the respectable Paeds MO called me over with a wave. By respectable I mean Danial who is smart and kind. He's the only known unmarried man around and he's cute so he's a sight for sore eyes, or my eyes any day.

He is Syukri's friend and Syukri tends to tease him every single time we go to do rounds in PICU. So I came to know that Danial is single, refusing all matchmaking, apparently heartbroken after three breakups (first was almost married but he got cold feet, second left him because he was always too busy with work, and third married someone else while he was being indecisive). I know all this from Syukri and so I told Syukri "I don't want you as a friend or my life will never be aman."

Syukri said he is emotionally unavailable and said he wouldn't suggest him to me because "nanti kau akan disakiti."

"It's a competition between who hurts whom first," was my response. 

Anyway back to Danial waving at me. He was asking about this patient to STO for a delayed closure for a sternotomy. We had a discussion while standing around the patient, with me looking into his eyes and then realising I have a crush on this guy. I felt my cheeks burning from this misplaced blush and stupid grin so I turned my face away. And denied all this to myself with a mantra

"Damn this tall guy… My neck is hyperextending like I'm birdwatching. I'm not turning away because I'm shy, I'm turning away because of neck pain."

Pravin came and the discussion moved on to that of another case, with me looking at his face as he explained and I realised 

"Darn this guy is even taller…"

So I turned to Bhindia who was about my height. 

Cause there’s this tune I found that reminds me of you somehow

I went to PICU because my surgeon got an outside referral for a perforated viscus in a 42 hours of life baby. It was almost 5.30pm and the MOs were gathered at the counter. I went up to them and put my hand on a girl's shoulder, who I just met an hour ago and knew her name to be Huda. 

"Guys." I started. "Ada bed tak?"

"Takdeee." They all gushed in unison. "Kitorang baru je cakap pasal ni."

"We have a perf bowel in a 42 hours of life baby. Sape oncall harini?"

"Dr. Faiz. Cuba call, tapi memang takde bed la." Danial said. 

"May I have his number please?"

"Bolehh." He who was initially standing two persons away from was the one who came to my side and passed me the number. The thing about this guy is that he has a deep voice that sounded kind. The kind of voice that made me blush. Why wasn't Huda the one who gave me that number? 

I need to date someone now. I can't go around giddy about a colleague. 

Tattoo over my right 4th bifid rib

I had a weird dream last night. I went to a tattoo parlour and got a nice intricate tattoo over my back with plant veins coming down both arms. 

As soon as I left the parlour I regretted it because tattoo is illegal in Islam so I have to get it removed. I went home and asked a guy to help scrub it off my back. It somewhat worked. 

I woke up and mulled over it. I know I would actually get a tattoo if it wasn't illegal in Islam and I would adhere to it. And who was that guy anyway. Also my chest hurts every time I cough, exactly below my left breast and it's also tender. I think I cracked a rib or two from this chronic cough. 

I snoozed all my alarms and only realised it was 7.34am haha I was 10 minutes late to work today. 

Thank you for helping me help patients

Got a phonecall from PICU MO asking me about the anti-emetic we started for our post op patient. I told him it's part of our Enhanced Recovery After Surgery strategy where we give anti-emetic before the patient starts vomiting, some more she had extensive bowel manipulation and is on Morphine. 

What a long statement for a midnight phonecall, but apparently I am hyper from not eating properly and this person has a nice voice. What did he say his name was? Afiq? But it sounded like Danial's voice, somemore Danial is doing PICU rotation now. 

"Tanya banyak sebab tak pernah pun bagi untuk post op sebelum ni. Lagipun ubat ni bolus jadi kami kena serve sendiri." 

"Oh yeke saya minta maaf sebab menambah kerja." I said while bowing to this imaginary person in front of me. But my tone was anything but sorry. I think I am becoming an insincere person nowadays, I apologise easily but I don't really mean it. I just want to placate people into doing what I want to be done. 

"Eh tak la, okay je." He was quick to respond.  

"Terima kasih Danial." Ya I should have thanked him for serving medications for the patient instead of apologising. We work for the patients anyway. Thank you for helping me help this patient.

I take that as a compliment

On Thursday I did a desloughing and dressing for a really sad wound before I even inform the consultant because I don't trust him as I know he gave up on the wound already. After I was done, I reported to him how the wound was and what I did to it. 

He gave me an earful and told me I should have done this and that, which I did and more. "This patient's management is failing in my hands and I can't take it anymore." He then told me he was going to see the wound himself on Saturday, explain to the mother about it, and discharge the patient whatever may that same day. 

 I nodded and said okay but inside I was fuming. I know you're sad and I'm sad too but we still treat our patients. Who's going to take care of the wound if you discharge the patient? It will definitely get worse than it already is. You want this kid to get Fournier's gangrene or something?  

I documented his plan anyway. The most senior staff nurse read what I wrote and raised her concern. I shared her concern and told her if she talks to the consultant he would probably listen to her, all I get for trying my best for the patient is being deemed challenging his experience.

Today we did rounds with Prof A. Afterwards I told him about the patient's wound and my concern if he is discharged over the weekend. How is he going to get wound care over a weekend if he is discharged. 

Prof A: Does the wound still look like a dog's breakfast? 

Me: A dog's breakfast looks better. Here this is what the wound looks like on Monday, I forgot to take yesterday's. 

Prof A cursed his long list of profanities. He agreed that the patient should not be discharged home until the wound is healed and assured me that he will talk with the consultant. 

An hour later he texted me, informing that he had the talk and the consultant assured him that the patient will not be discharged home until his wound is healed. I thanked him and said now I can sleep well at night. 

Later today Prof A commented to Prof S about me. "No one should commit crime in front of Atiqah, she's the first one to snitch."