forest therapy with unimas

Last weekend I volunteered as faci (read: Kakyu invited me) for UNIMAS forest therapy program for adolescents. The kids are a bunch of good kids who like everyone of us got issues but they'll be fine. We had fun talking about animes, so I guess we all are almost the same. Except I'm double their age. By the end of day 1 they had disbelief that I'm 33 and said I look like I'm in my late 20's instead. Shahrul described me as philosophical. 

My group had an introvert who by day 2 opened up to the boisterous boys. It stroke me to write this because I remembered a scene of them. 

It was raining. We were under the pagoda putting our DIY rain poncho on. They were taking selfies together and Wisy helped Xavier buttoned up his poncho. Dr Aida quipped "wow bromance" and without missing a beat, that group of kids sang

"Tonight the music seems so loud-"

I laughed so hard. They implied I'm old but here they are singing Careless Whisper like the cultured kids they are. 

phobias

I've only been in Kuching for 2 months plus and I've gain 2 phobias. Grab drivers and grater.

I'll elaborate one day, when I'm not exhausted. 

too much information dude

Grab driver to UTC today was, simply put, a creep.

I stepped in and said my greetings. And as soon as the car moves, he started asking where I'm from etc, how much is my rent, my occupation and whether I'm a contract employee, whether I live on my own...

He asked about my grade. I just told him I'm a doctor. He assumed I'm a grade 41 like his officers. I didn't correct him. What I've noticed from people who ever asked me this question, is that they're usually the lower grade personnel. Like below 30.

He later told me about his dayjob in a runabout way, asking me to guess (I didn't even take a shot). It was later in the ride that he told me he's a driver with the metereological department and that he's actually standby in case there's a meeting he needed to send his officers to.  

He kept describing himself as "nakal" and "suka mengusik" and that recently a Grab customer reported him as sexually harassing and got him suspended 3 days from Grab.

First off, thanks for telling me. But we're in a jam and I'm too ignorant to get a new driver. Second, why are you incriminating yourself? Are you proud of those facts? 

He said at work people are jealous of him for being friendly and spreading rumours of him and his officer because he drove her (who he described as a "janda" "mama muda" "cantik" "tapi saya anggap macam keluarga") from Kuching to Kapit (just the two of them) and that they stayed in the same hotel albeit different rooms. 

I just commented that we should be professional. I don't think he understood that I'm implying all his conversations as of the almost 30 minutes ride was not professional. 

Then he told me he broke up from his "ustazah" girlfriend maybe 3 years ago, she got married to someone else. He pulled out a booklet of something and opened the page where she wrote him a note. 

"Kenapa kau masih simpan?" I questioned. I forgot what he answered though. 

He seemed proud of himself, boasting that he "tawan"ed her. I assumed it meant he bedded her. At this point we arrived at my destination and so I got out and thanked him. I didn't want to listen to any more of his talk. 

That guy has a mental illness. I've reported his stories to me to Grab Help Center. I hope he gets help. 

i dont want to remember 2022

I think we use to write this year in recap thing, but I'm not doing it for 2022. 2022 has been tough and I don't want to look back on it. When was I really happy in 2022? The more I try to think of it, the more miserable moments I remember, so let's not.

Started 2023 with being oncall with Miss P. She came for round at night and that 10pm, somehow we ended up talking how she worked to the bone as an MO and master student, and finally burnt out with depression during her specialty she had to be on meds.

And somehow I told her about me. 

We had a good talk. And she asked me what should I do now. 

I said I should go to therapy. Exercise and eat healthier. Mental clarity will come, I think. 

We concluded that quitting is not an option for me. So I need to get myself out from under the blanket. 

Now to do so. But I'm stuck on the floor here. 

porridge and condiments party in pantry 4A

I went into the pantry to refill my water and in was a group of our staff having their lunch. Kak Maz actively invited me to join them, she showed me where to get the bowl and the spoon. I pulled a chair and got myself a small bowl of chicken porridge that Kak Jen cooked in the pantry.

Kak Maz walked me through the condiments. They were having tempoyak which is a sweet version of it. I didn't want to eat it because durian smells and I have afternoon clinic but I also didn't want to be left out. So I took a really small piece. It tasted exactly like durian, sweet and creamy and kinda unusual to be having with chicken porridge. 

I'm burping as I write this and I can still taste the durian.

They offered me kepayang masak sambal pusak, which is a Sarawakian brown fruit that tasted nutty cooked in the usual sambal ikan bilis. The fruit has a consistency of macadamia but tasted rather plain. The fruit itself is poisonous if not treated properly, so the market sells them ready to be cooked.

Kak Long who seems oldest had 3 bowls. Kak Maz had 2. They encouraged me to have more but I'm shy. I thanked them for the meal and wished Kak Jen murah rezeki. Lovely people. I took my exit for prayers. 

1 year assessment

"You performed well. Good.

You are nervous but personally I think it's an appropriate nervousness. Good sense of urgency and responding appropriately.

Keep that up, ready for Part 2. Have a great time in Kuching." Prof Shireen

"Keep up your strikiness. Cili padi. You're alert and proactive. 

It is easy to be overwhelmed. Don't allow your bidding to lag behind. 

Get cracking with the thesis." Prof Anand. 

I still don't know who they're talking about. Except the nervous part. My anxiety is getting out of hand. 

zaim the guide

Attended a conference. Saw the birdwatcher surgeon who previously worked in Sarawak. My luck. Approached him with a hi.

"Where are you now?"

"I'm here, in UM." 

"What year are you now, first?"

"I just passed my first year exam actually. I'm heading to Kuching next." 

"You're asking me for tips?"

"Actually..." Yeah I probably should ask that. But this is more important. "I'm asking where do I go to bird watch?" 

"That I can answer better."

So we sat there with our Google Maps on as he explained his best places to watch birds in between coughing. Dude has a URTI and entertaining me. Thank you very much for your commitment sir.

Read this http://xegorathbirds.blogspot.com/?m=1

i think pali has aged

Last night I slept close to 2am and woke up to a houseman calling me to inform their patient that was referred to me in ED for a surgical consult has arrived in their ward, and that they don't think it's their problem. 

The case was actually seen by their own MO in ED and she decided to admit to her ward, and when she called me she said it was non urgent and I can review in their ward later. 

I asked the HO regarding the general condition of the patient and I surmised that the kid was not dying, stable, pain controlled and not in distress. 

Then I looked at the time. I wondered what kind of MO told their HO to wake a person up at 4.30am to inform this kind of thing. The patient is not going anywhere. What difference does it make from calling me at a more humane hour? I have no idea. 

"You're not thinking of transferring patient at 4.30am right?" 

She seemed hesitant, as that wouldn't have been her decision.

"Anyway, what are you guys doing for this patient?"

She started a whole list of history and background so I stopped her. I should have known better than to ask open ended questions at this hour. It doesn't help me to focus. 

"Are you giving him IV drip?"

"Since his hydration is good-"

"It's a yes or no question." I sounded gruff. I hope she forgave me for being EOD oncall and sleep deprived. 

"No."

"Okay. Later I'll go see. Thanks."

And then I hung up after she has said her thanks.

I went back to sleep. I dreamed of Pali but he was older, hair greyer and appeared shabby. As I wrote this I don't remember the details of it, but when I woke up at 6.30am I decided I should text him (I just did) to inform that I've passed my exam and going to Kuching next. I hope he'll do well for his next two years in PPUM. 

I reviewed that patient at 7.30am. Kid was still sleeping, but the mom seems rested. I brought my registrar to see the case at 8.15am and he discharged the kid. Haha. 

i bullshit through at least 40 out of 100 marks

Chew gave us a ride back to UM after the exam. In the car Alia said that I look calm and must have done okay in the exam. So I told her I'm way past the stage where I care about the result.

"So you're in the stage where you don't give a f-" She stopped herself. "You don't give a damn anymore."

Yep. Since the very beginning I'm okay with however this turn out. I'm looking forward to spending my time in a jungle pretending to be a crocodile. 

I actually asked my batch for a group picture because I don't think I'll sit for the viva and I'll be quitting after this so this be the last time I see them. Hasniza actually gave me weirdly tender smile and told me not to say that.

The picture is in Chip's phone. I asked him to email but he hasn't. I'm looking forward to captioning it with

Atiqah and 6 people who knew what they're doing.

i used to wake up early to go on amazing adventures but now i dont want to wake up

Hi it's me. Been quiet here. It means I'm out of muse, good or bad.

Part 1 exam tomorrow. You know that means I barely studied for it, binged on distractions and not exactly sorry. It's another episode of Reckless To The Point Of Fearless.

Should have quit before I even started. People don't change. 

Right now I'm remembering the time I was on a public van travelling alone from Tanta to Cairo, the day darkened. I'm usually more vigilant but somehow I fell asleep. Woke up to find my head leaning on the neighbouring Egyptian auntie who told me to sleep somemore until we get to the train station. I think I did that.

Lucky enough it wasn't some deprived Egyptian man. I would have stab him in the jugular. 

end of may and i thank thee

I left HTA on the last week of May. Took few days off to settle the assessments thus I was still around the hospital.

I approached Mr. Fitri for my assessment in his office and he was calling me Dr. Atiqah. It was funny actually. I think I might have showed some streak of rebellion at him, that's why. 

Anyhow he asked me to leave the assessment forms with him, which I did. I was hoping to get it back in few days time but I actually only got it back the week after, on the very last day of May. 

What happened on the very last day of May was that, I was on leave but at the hospital past 5pm waiting for Mr Yusof to finish rounds so I could have my end of posting assessment with him. My colleagues had it the day before and I was the only one that day. I sat in front of his office, waiting with two paper bags. One bag contained keropok and serunding that I actually bought for Mr. Fitri the month before but never gave it to him (remind me to write a separate post on this) and I was planning on giving it to Mr. Yusof. Another bag contained a mug I had custom for Mr. Fitri. 

It was my last day and I was planning to quit while I was in UM. So I want to say a proper thank you to these two because I hope not to see them again. 

Ms Abhi was in the office and she saw me waiting for my assessment. She wished me good luck for my PPUM posting and I felt at the end of this journey, at least I could talk freely with her. I laughed more in April and May than the previous months actually. 

And then Mr. Fitri showed up. He didn't see me and he was talking merrily with Ms Abhi. I was hoping she wouldn't say anything to alert him that I was around but she did. She asked me if he ever did taught me anything as a mentor or was it all gossip that we ever talked about? I lied that we only ever talk about academic stuffs, to which sir snickered. I skipped the fact that it was mainly a one way questioning from him and zero answering from me. 

God I was such a lousy person. I did not deserve a mentor who showed more effort than this shitty kid, this ingrate who shouldn't even call herself a mentee. 

He asked me when is my last day. I said it was today. He said he'll get the forms done today. I grinned to myself, of course the forms I submitted 6 days ago would only be signed today. 

Mr. Yusof was ready for me and I went into his room for my assessment, leaving the paper bags outside. I did as expected, in which I did well in 2/3 and purposely answered clumsily for another 1/3. Because I didn't want them to expect too much from me. 

I completed my forms and gave him my logbook to sign. He then asked my feedback on the mentorship thing and asked if we had any documentation on our meetings.

"No we don't. We had our meetings in OT while scrubbed in."

"You pun masuk OT I jugak." He was whining. I grinned. He dismissed me soon after, but I returned back with the paper bag containing keropok and serunding and put it on his desk. 

"Terima kasih boss sebab bersabar dengan kami 6 bulan ini," I made it sound like it was from us instead of me. He smiled his appreciation and I hoped he's always eased. 

As I exit Mr. Yusof's room I saw that the rest of the office was empty. This mentor of mine has gone home. I walked to his desk and saw that he left my forms on it. Picked the forms up and grinned to myself. 

Alis has been chasing and pestering for hers for months and end up having to get it from Ms. Fiza because Mr. Fitri kept eluding her. Whereas there I was, holding three forms that took me 5 days (with no pestering) for him to sign. Perks of being his mentee I guess. Despite my lackluster performance as a mentee nor a trainee in general, having him as my mentor is my bragging right. 

Though surprisingly he gave me good reviews. I believe I left bad impressions because I barely answered any of his academic questions so good reviews were not expected. He's accomodating me. 

Digging wounds up is not the best idea so let's just settle with the fact that I really was a lousy trainee. I wasn't kidding when I say I shouldn't be here, that I felt like an imposter who performed well in the interview because she didn't care about the outcome but got the job she didn't really want, and that the reason I didn't quit while I was in HTA was because Mr. Fitri was my mentor and I didn't want to taint his name like that. 

I took out the other paper bag and put it on his desk in exchange for the forms. I purposely waited for the forms before giving him my token of appreciation because I didn't want him to feel I was sucking up to him. 

I got him a mug. It had a picture of a cartoon owl because A) I acknowledge that people been calling him King Of Bebird although I disagree with the term usage because I like birdwatching and calling penises birds made me seem like a pervert, and B) owls are portrayed as wise and he has taught me some life lessons in reflection. 

On the other side written BEST MENTOR. Because he's my only mentor so there really is no contest. But really, thank you Mr. Fitri. I didn't deserve this mentoring. So I chickened out by silently praying for you and writing this in my blog instead of telling you a proper thank you. 

After I left the office, I sent him a text expecting no response. Working with him for the past 6 months gave me the impression that he almost always never reply texts if he could. I know he reads his messages because I've texted him to which he didn't reply but he answered me the next time we met. 

But to my surprise, he replied. Hehe. I didn't reply to that though. Should have told him I hope he use it.

in which atiqah cried during oncalls

My registrar expects me to perform as a trainee

But I'm too unhappy to see myself as such

I don't want to be here

My standard is low

Coming to work itself is an accomplishment for me

Academically not performing at par

Worsening this cycle of unhappiness

Teary eyed, wanna cry

Another registrar asked why do I look so "monyok"

I blankly used hunger as an excuse

But really, I'm eating just to fill the void

max from stranger things

Stranger Things 4 is out, and there's a scene stuck in my head. It was when Max was fighting for her life running towards the way out amidst Upside Down chaos, Vecna throwing boulders to stop her, and her friends in the real world yelling at her floating hypnotised body to get her to come back to her. Running Up That Hill was playing throughout the scene, it was Max's favourite song, and her friends played the song to get her to come back to them. And she did. 

I don't really have a favourite character but it hit me, because Max was going through depression from her traumatic experience, thinking she didn't deserve to live. But when it really came to the point where she was actually at the brink of death, she fought to live with that song as her talisman.

I think that's why the song regained popularity. Because I too, felt like Max. Want this life to end, but really, we just want to be saved. 

why am i like this

I'm not living for the future. The simplest sign is that I feel like I should buy scrubs for work but I couldn't bring myself to buy them because when I die, who's going to inherit my personalised scrubs? 

---

The other day I found a post about high functioning anxiety. I ticked all the boxes. It's so frustrating because I'm still high functioning at work and when there's not much work to be done I'll just be a pile of anxious mess. 

How do people be so motivated?