i bullshit through at least 40 out of 100 marks

Chew gave us a ride back to UM after the exam. In the car Alia said that I look calm and must have done okay in the exam. So I told her I'm way past the stage where I care about the result.

"So you're in the stage where you don't give a f-" She stopped herself. "You don't give a damn anymore."

Yep. Since the very beginning I'm okay with however this turn out. I'm looking forward to spending my time in a jungle pretending to be a crocodile. 

I actually asked my batch for a group picture because I don't think I'll sit for the viva and I'll be quitting after this so this be the last time I see them. Hasniza actually gave me weirdly tender smile and told me not to say that.

The picture is in Chip's phone. I asked him to email but he hasn't. I'm looking forward to captioning it with

Atiqah and 6 people who knew what they're doing.

i used to wake up early to go on amazing adventures but now i dont want to wake up

Hi it's me. Been quiet here. It means I'm out of muse, good or bad.

Part 1 exam tomorrow. You know that means I barely studied for it, binged on distractions and not exactly sorry. It's another episode of Reckless To The Point Of Fearless.

Should have quit before I even started. People don't change. 

Right now I'm remembering the time I was on a public van travelling alone from Tanta to Cairo, the day darkened. I'm usually more vigilant but somehow I fell asleep. Woke up to find my head leaning on the neighbouring Egyptian auntie who told me to sleep somemore until we get to the train station. I think I did that.

Lucky enough it wasn't some deprived Egyptian man. I would have stab him in the jugular. 

end of may and i thank thee

I left HTA on the last week of May. Took few days off to settle the assessments thus I was still around the hospital.

I approached Mr. Fitri for my assessment in his office and he was calling me Dr. Atiqah. It was funny actually. I think I might have showed some streak of rebellion at him, that's why. 

Anyhow he asked me to leave the assessment forms with him, which I did. I was hoping to get it back in few days time but I actually only got it back the week after, on the very last day of May. 

What happened on the very last day of May was that, I was on leave but at the hospital past 5pm waiting for Mr Yusof to finish rounds so I could have my end of posting assessment with him. My colleagues had it the day before and I was the only one that day. I sat in front of his office, waiting with two paper bags. One bag contained keropok and serunding that I actually bought for Mr. Fitri the month before but never gave it to him (remind me to write a separate post on this) and I was planning on giving it to Mr. Yusof. Another bag contained a mug I had custom for Mr. Fitri. 

It was my last day and I was planning to quit while I was in UM. So I want to say a proper thank you to these two because I hope not to see them again. 

Ms Abhi was in the office and she saw me waiting for my assessment. She wished me good luck for my PPUM posting and I felt at the end of this journey, at least I could talk freely with her. I laughed more in April and May than the previous months actually. 

And then Mr. Fitri showed up. He didn't see me and he was talking merrily with Ms Abhi. I was hoping she wouldn't say anything to alert him that I was around but she did. She asked me if he ever did taught me anything as a mentor or was it all gossip that we ever talked about? I lied that we only ever talk about academic stuffs, to which sir snickered. I skipped the fact that it was mainly a one way questioning from him and zero answering from me. 

God I was such a lousy person. I did not deserve a mentor who showed more effort than this shitty kid, this ingrate who shouldn't even call herself a mentee. 

He asked me when is my last day. I said it was today. He said he'll get the forms done today. I grinned to myself, of course the forms I submitted 6 days ago would only be signed today. 

Mr. Yusof was ready for me and I went into his room for my assessment, leaving the paper bags outside. I did as expected, in which I did well in 2/3 and purposely answered clumsily for another 1/3. Because I didn't want them to expect too much from me. 

I completed my forms and gave him my logbook to sign. He then asked my feedback on the mentorship thing and asked if we had any documentation on our meetings.

"No we don't. We had our meetings in OT while scrubbed in."

"You pun masuk OT I jugak." He was whining. I grinned. He dismissed me soon after, but I returned back with the paper bag containing keropok and serunding and put it on his desk. 

"Terima kasih boss sebab bersabar dengan kami 6 bulan ini," I made it sound like it was from us instead of me. He smiled his appreciation and I hoped he's always eased. 

As I exit Mr. Yusof's room I saw that the rest of the office was empty. This mentor of mine has gone home. I walked to his desk and saw that he left my forms on it. Picked the forms up and grinned to myself. 

Alis has been chasing and pestering for hers for months and end up having to get it from Ms. Fiza because Mr. Fitri kept eluding her. Whereas there I was, holding three forms that took me 5 days (with no pestering) for him to sign. Perks of being his mentee I guess. Despite my lackluster performance as a mentee nor a trainee in general, having him as my mentor is my bragging right. 

Though surprisingly he gave me good reviews. I believe I left bad impressions because I barely answered any of his academic questions so good reviews were not expected. He's accomodating me. 

Digging wounds up is not the best idea so let's just settle with the fact that I really was a lousy trainee. I wasn't kidding when I say I shouldn't be here, that I felt like an imposter who performed well in the interview because she didn't care about the outcome but got the job she didn't really want, and that the reason I didn't quit while I was in HTA was because Mr. Fitri was my mentor and I didn't want to taint his name like that. 

I took out the other paper bag and put it on his desk in exchange for the forms. I purposely waited for the forms before giving him my token of appreciation because I didn't want him to feel I was sucking up to him. 

I got him a mug. It had a picture of a cartoon owl because A) I acknowledge that people been calling him King Of Bebird although I disagree with the term usage because I like birdwatching and calling penises birds made me seem like a pervert, and B) owls are portrayed as wise and he has taught me some life lessons in reflection. 

On the other side written BEST MENTOR. Because he's my only mentor so there really is no contest. But really, thank you Mr. Fitri. I didn't deserve this mentoring. So I chickened out by silently praying for you and writing this in my blog instead of telling you a proper thank you. 

After I left the office, I sent him a text expecting no response. Working with him for the past 6 months gave me the impression that he almost always never reply texts if he could. I know he reads his messages because I've texted him to which he didn't reply but he answered me the next time we met. 

But to my surprise, he replied. Hehe. I didn't reply to that though. Should have told him I hope he use it.

in which atiqah cried during oncalls

My registrar expects me to perform as a trainee

But I'm too unhappy to see myself as such

I don't want to be here

My standard is low

Coming to work itself is an accomplishment for me

Academically not performing at par

Worsening this cycle of unhappiness

Teary eyed, wanna cry

Another registrar asked why do I look so "monyok"

I blankly used hunger as an excuse

But really, I'm eating just to fill the void

max from stranger things

Stranger Things 4 is out, and there's a scene stuck in my head. It was when Max was fighting for her life running towards the way out amidst Upside Down chaos, Vecna throwing boulders to stop her, and her friends in the real world yelling at her floating hypnotised body to get her to come back to her. Running Up That Hill was playing throughout the scene, it was Max's favourite song, and her friends played the song to get her to come back to them. And she did. 

I don't really have a favourite character but it hit me, because Max was going through depression from her traumatic experience, thinking she didn't deserve to live. But when it really came to the point where she was actually at the brink of death, she fought to live with that song as her talisman.

I think that's why the song regained popularity. Because I too, felt like Max. Want this life to end, but really, we just want to be saved. 

why am i like this

I'm not living for the future. The simplest sign is that I feel like I should buy scrubs for work but I couldn't bring myself to buy them because when I die, who's going to inherit my personalised scrubs? 

---

The other day I found a post about high functioning anxiety. I ticked all the boxes. It's so frustrating because I'm still high functioning at work and when there's not much work to be done I'll just be a pile of anxious mess. 

How do people be so motivated? 

100522: a little shit who left her lonely surgeon

It was almost 5pm and we're just starting to close the abdomen. Halfway closing the muscles, Mr. Fitri said to me

"Atiqah nak pergi tulis op note dulu?"

I looked up to him silently but thoughts were racing in my mind. That's how I am nowadays, so much to say but hardly anything come out. I wanted to close the skin at least so he can scrub out and pray, and for me to feel a semblance of usefulness. But Mr. Yusran who was the main surgeon had already scrubbed out to attend to another patient said he will return shortly to check the op notes I have written, is that why he's suggesting I start writing now? Is that what this is, a suggestion? Or is it an order? Or a reverse one? Like that time when he asked me if I wanted him to do manual evacuation on a kid, that was definitely a reverse suggestion.

I have no energy to overthink. Guys are all about face value, I think. So I asked him back 

"Takpe ke?"

"Saya dah biasa."

Whatever that means, he made it sound lonely. I laughed my thanks and beckoned to the scrub nurse to keep him company. And then I scrubbed out. 

He checked my op notes later on. 

cause im full of shit

We had to do a manual stool evacuation for a patient prior to doing a list of urological procedures for him. My surgeon turned to me and asked "You nak I buat ke?"

"Tak sanggup saya nak suruh surgeon saya buat manual evacuation."

So everyone left the room except for the poor gagging Anaes MO and two nurses at my beck and call. My surgeon was in the other room waiting after he kindly told me "all yours."

I was knuckle deep evacuating almost 2kg of hard stool when another surgeon came and saw I was doing it alone. She went into the other room looking for my surgeon and upon seeing him chilling, she called out to him.

"Atiqah panggil. Dia tak jumpa seketul lagi!!"

I shouted back. "Mana ada!!"

Let my surgeon rest. I like him not around asking me anatomy questions hahaha. But yes, please let my surgeon rest. 

The lady surgeon then went into the other room and poked her head through. Then she came back to me "Atiqah menjerit sampai Dato dekat sebelah pun dengar."

The splenic flexure fecoloma all evacuated. This MO puas hati. My surgeon told me to go change clothes while he cleaned the patient up before the next procedure. I went and scrubbed my arms more religiously than I ever scrubbed for a case, washed my OT crocs and changed into a fresh pair of scrubs. Then I sniffed myself. I'm always full of shit but at least I didn't smell like one. 

I walked back towards the operating room, passing two of my male colleagues. I went up to my senior and stood close to him, grinning shamelessly. 

"Do I smell nice?" 

I could see he was grinning politely and debating how to answer without it coming out weird. I'm a rascal who wouldn't offer the information that I just did a manual evacuation and was concerned that I reek of old shit. So I repeated my question.

"Do I smell nice?"

"Yes you smell nice."

"Thank you." He's too polite. 

dato complaining about boss to me but hey he's my boss

In OT today I was silently assisting Dato who was operating and focused on the tumour at the crura when he suddenly, still focused on the crura, chatted.

"Mughni- Mr. Mughni tak reply mesej saya. Saya mesej dia semalam dia tak jawab lagi."

"Dia memang macam tu. Mesej dia lambat sikit."

"Mesej dia masuk lambat?" 

"Dia reply mesej lambat sikit." Likely sebab banyak mesej2 masuk and your message jatuh bawah ikut list. "Saya pernah sebulan kemudian baru dapat reply."

Or was I exaggerating. It was when I sent Boss a picture of our old patient kirim salam when I was in Lahad Datu. He did apologised and said he forgot to reply. No worries Boss. 

"Sebulan? Kesiannya."

What is this. I guess Dato remember me now. 

mr fitri was liasing for a graft failure patient

At lunch my colleagues were counselling me, helping me make plans on How Not To Quit Yet. We came up with:

1. Do something for yourself, indulge in whatever reward for you

2. Go home and meet your parents

3. Study group

4. Stop thinking for reasons to quit

Then I continued my oncall per usual.

Tonight, as I sat writing my review, my oncall surgeon asked me "Atiqah kenapa nak jadi surgeon?"

I was thinking did one of my colleagues snitched to him. Or was the decision-making tonight so difficult it was making him question why anyone wants to become a surgeon.

So I told him that in order for me to be useful in Paediatric Surgery, I have to become a surgeon. Because I can contribute more as a surgeon than I can as an MO.

"So nak jadi berguna, kena jadi surgeon." He surmised.

"In Paed Surgery." I corrected the context. "As in, kalau saya nak masuk hutan dan operate pesakit paeds di pedalaman, I need to be credentialed as a paed surgeon. As an MO I can't do that. Lain la kalau general surgery."

He nodded. I don't know if I'm making any sense anyway.

"That being said, ada banyak cara untuk jadi berguna dalam hidup ni." I continued and returned to my review. 

I wanted to tell him my persistent urge to quit and live a simple life. Why masuk hutan and buat kerja when you can just masuk hutan and disappear. But there's enough drama tonight and I need to finish my reviews.

Later before he left, I asked him why he asked me that. He said just because.

It's not a big deal, but I do think that's the reason why I haven't quit yet. 

in which atiqah questioned what is the definition of a good life

In today's episode of #jaditraineesuicidal, I was in OT observing The Consultant in action. It was past 5pm by the time the thoracotomy was closed but we're not done yet. We're opening a cervical wound next. 

The Anaes was groaning "Tak balik lagi ke kita?"

The Consultant replied "Bukan balik, tapi pergi. Hospital ni rumah pertama kita. Rumah tu hotel je."

This Useless Trainee laughed at the comment and said, although not intended to be heard, "You need a better life."

The Consultant turned to me and his tone raised an octave. "How dare you. I am contend! This is the best life!" 

My chuckle turned polite. I didn't mean to disrespect one's choice of life nor dictate how one should live their life. I was just.. I guess I didn't really want to be here. 

He then sat down with a contemplating look and asked "Have you ever stayed in the hospital for days in the interest of your training? Say, 5 days straight?" 

"No I've never."

"3 days?" 

"I have." Sort of. 

He nodded. And then he scrubbed in for the cervical part. 

I stood behind him, observing him operate on this Day 5 of life, prem 33 week 4 days, 2kg baby's teeny tiny neck, fishing out the upper esophageal pouch and dissecting it from the laryngotrachealesophageal cleft. 

I made few comments here and there, asking this and that, because I felt bad about earlier. He replied me snarkily and I laughed. For the record I am a reckless idiot who is only afraid of God and height. Usually I stay mute because I don't want to embarrass Mr Mughni but I was hungry today, I have no inhibition. 

He was done in 30 minutes. Dude I can't even finish an open CVL insertion in 30 minutes. His work is a wonder and I understand now why he is so dedicated. With that level of skill, this work is best suited for him. 

I helped him with his OT gown and asked him about the next management for this patient. He again replied me snarkily before properly answering me. Probably realise snark doesn't repel this thick-headed idiot. 

He sat on a chair in the corner replying his messages while everyone went about leaving the operating room. I gathered all the politeness and sincerity in me and faced him. 

"Dato."

He looked up. He has always been an observant person who pays attention to however bilis you are in the hierarchy. 

"I understand now why you said this is the best life for you."

"Hah!"

Good job Atiqah for getting a person to shout twice in less than an hour. I grinned under my mask and thanked him. Then I went out to write the operation note. 

everything is my own fault

Yesterday I was hoping not to see him again because apparently I haven't moved on. But on my way to work I saw his car stopping at the junction and I paused. If he stops for me and he's alone, I will get in his car. I don't want to, I just told myself I need to move on! 

So I quickly hastened my pace. He was still stuck in the traffic and I got to the hospital. I did turn around to look for him and probably that was his car at the access gate. 

Later I went down to accompany patient for a procedure. I owe it to old times sake to at least say hi now that I'm in his territory, so I texted him asking where he is. 

He answered and asked me why. I didn't reply. 

Towards the end of the procedure, almost lunch time, he walked into where I was. I closed my book and chatted with him. I stood arms crossed like the cool chick I am while he sat next to me. We're not even 1 meter apart. He was wearing a sweater and I was happy to find that I'm not the only one who gets cold easily. We spoke soft enough just to talk between us. I asked only personal questions, although he started the conversation asking about my UM classes. I asked him about his brother who is in UITM. He looked confused. 

"Dulu kau pernah bagitahu adik kau belajar di Dengkil?" 

"Oh. Dia sambung oil and gas now."

"Oh nice."

"Oghe kapung ko?" It was his colleague asking. I turned to look at the interruption and almost glared. Let me have him for a while.

"Haah oghe kapung." Was what he replied. And then we got into a conversation on why he speaks Standard Malay with me and not in Kelantanese. 

But oh this colleague was still talking to me. The scrub read Zahin and had a UKM logo. He introduced his colleague to me as an Egyptian graduate so I asked where. He said he's from Alex. 

"Batch siapa?" 

"Kadir.."

"Oh sekali Mizah."

"Mijah. Lama tak dengar khabar dia." He said. I turned around to face him and the three of us chatted about our mutual friends. 

Then his specialist called for me regarding my patient, so I attended to his questions and gave him my pointers. He actually concurred with me and relayed it to his MO to report it. 

My case was then done. I turned back to him who was also listening on my case. I confirmed with him that it was his last week in HTA. He said tomorrow is his last day. 

"Bila nak belanja aku makan?" 

He chuckled and we said our goodbyes as his colleague and Hilmi Suami Anah took him away for lunch I guess. I looked on as he walked away, overheard the colleague asking Hilmi about something and heard Hilmi mentioned Paed Surgery and I guess the two was talking about me. I kept my eyes on his back until it was gone. He never turn around. 

I walked to my patient and went back to my work. 

---

Walking back today, I talked out loud to the darkening sky. 

I last saw him 2 years plus ago. In January 2020. He was slimmer back then. He was on a diet and didn't eat cheese. Why do I remember those details and none of what I studied? How did I even pass medical school? Scratch that I didn't just pass medical school, I was Very Good and that's almost Excellent. Where did that Atiqah go? 

And why does it seem like my confession never happened? Why am I just an "oghe kapung"? Why are we so.. cool? 

I got back and sat down. Then I opened our previous messages. 

That session. He hoped he didn't give false hope. And he hoped nothing change between us. Hell I agreed. I told him I hope I could still mess with him. He said I can. 

And fuck me, by February I was already messaging him like nothing happened. Girl you were so desperate not to lose him as a friend. I couldn't read any more. 

I should delete our conversation if I'm really serious about moving on. But I never did. I mulled over it way too much for my own good. I'm too much in the past, I'm wasting my present. Here I am, still liking him more than I should. I'm suicidal. 

His last day (for now) in HTA tomorrow. Can I have a tiny piece of his attention, one last time? 

third TCA, am i correct

Let's make this a standard review

Hobbies ie things I do to chill

Watching Netflix

I seriously need to go terjun sungai though. One time I was so frustrated at myself for not able to answer I imagined myself submerged in some cold Sabah river. Or was it drowning? It's interchangeable. 

Advantage

Still functional

Disadvantage

Malas study it is suicidal

Don't care but still care

Things I'm not good at

Studying

Complex

I need to talk to someone but I don't want to talk to anyone. Also I told Luqman one time that I'll be doing 95% listening and 5% talking. 

Best 3 food

Soft rice with omelette 

Cold mango drink

Worst 3 food

Peas

Taucu

My multivitamins are increasingly giving me nausea and I vomited here and there. But I think I still need those because of my unbalanced diet? 

Favourite word

I don't have one. But I wish to hear "you did good" 

Favourite colour

Black

Favourite song 

Elgar Salut d'amour

Favourite type of people

Cool calm people

Respected people

My mentor Mr. Fitri. I call him sir the other day because I respect him but he's not old enough to be my boss. 

My boss Mr. Mughni

Current happiness

Sherlock

What I bought recently 

Black jacket that looks professional but it's not helping with the cold plus it makes me look baggy, what a waste

Hardest thing ever

Waking up. I'm out of bed by 7.15am nowadays and clock in at 7.45am. It's bad. 

Studying. Fuck this

How to spend off days

Visit my family

Places to visit 

Sabah

What to challenge

Study more

Sleep better

What I want to do with my friends

Coffee

Study

zayn hugged me

I was at work when one of my patients, a toothy grinning toddler, happily waddled towards me in the hallway and as per good practice I squatted down to be at his level. He giddily approached even faster and unexpectedly threw his arms around me.

I was stunned. What do I do? A child is hugging me, I should be polite and hug him back? But COVID is everywhere what more with my job attending different patients throughout the day so I shouldn't expose this cutie to whatever germs on me?

Oh whatever, he was still hugging me and who am I to reject this small child who radiates pure happiness sharing his love with the world. It did took me half a minute of contemplating before I hugged him back, resisting the urge to pick him up. Then I asked him

"Should you be hugging strangers though?"

I was the one who sutured him up 5 days ago, but not that he knows. He's only two years old. As I tightened the hug a bit (just a bit, his father was watching and I don't want to be seen as hug-deprived although I am), I felt like I should thank him instead. The hug felt nice.