in which atiqah cried during oncalls

My registrar expects me to perform as a trainee

But I'm too unhappy to see myself as such

I don't want to be here

My standard is low

Coming to work itself is an accomplishment for me

Academically not performing at par

Worsening this cycle of unhappiness

Teary eyed, wanna cry

Another registrar asked why do I look so "monyok"

I blankly used hunger as an excuse

But really, I'm eating just to fill the void

max from stranger things

Stranger Things 4 is out, and there's a scene stuck in my head. It was when Max was fighting for her life running towards the way out amidst Upside Down chaos, Vecna throwing boulders to stop her, and her friends in the real world yelling at her floating hypnotised body to get her to come back to her. Running Up That Hill was playing throughout the scene, it was Max's favourite song, and her friends played the song to get her to come back to them. And she did. 

I don't really have a favourite character but it hit me, because Max was going through depression from her traumatic experience, thinking she didn't deserve to live. But when it really came to the point where she was actually at the brink of death, she fought to live with that song as her talisman.

I think that's why the song regained popularity. Because I too, felt like Max. Want this life to end, but really, we just want to be saved. 

why am i like this

I'm not living for the future. The simplest sign is that I feel like I should buy scrubs for work but I couldn't bring myself to buy them because when I die, who's going to inherit my personalised scrubs? 

---

The other day I found a post about high functioning anxiety. I ticked all the boxes. It's so frustrating because I'm still high functioning at work and when there's not much work to be done I'll just be a pile of anxious mess. 

How do people be so motivated? 

100522: a little shit who left her lonely surgeon

It was almost 5pm and we're just starting to close the abdomen. Halfway closing the muscles, Mr. Fitri said to me

"Atiqah nak pergi tulis op note dulu?"

I looked up to him silently but thoughts were racing in my mind. That's how I am nowadays, so much to say but hardly anything come out. I wanted to close the skin at least so he can scrub out and pray, and for me to feel a semblance of usefulness. But Mr. Yusran who was the main surgeon had already scrubbed out to attend to another patient said he will return shortly to check the op notes I have written, is that why he's suggesting I start writing now? Is that what this is, a suggestion? Or is it an order? Or a reverse one? Like that time when he asked me if I wanted him to do manual evacuation on a kid, that was definitely a reverse suggestion.

I have no energy to overthink. Guys are all about face value, I think. So I asked him back 

"Takpe ke?"

"Saya dah biasa."

Whatever that means, he made it sound lonely. I laughed my thanks and beckoned to the scrub nurse to keep him company. And then I scrubbed out. 

He checked my op notes later on. 

cause im full of shit

We had to do a manual stool evacuation for a patient prior to doing a list of urological procedures for him. My surgeon turned to me and asked "You nak I buat ke?"

"Tak sanggup saya nak suruh surgeon saya buat manual evacuation."

So everyone left the room except for the poor gagging Anaes MO and two nurses at my beck and call. My surgeon was in the other room waiting after he kindly told me "all yours."

I was knuckle deep evacuating almost 2kg of hard stool when another surgeon came and saw I was doing it alone. She went into the other room looking for my surgeon and upon seeing him chilling, she called out to him.

"Atiqah panggil. Dia tak jumpa seketul lagi!!"

I shouted back. "Mana ada!!"

Let my surgeon rest. I like him not around asking me anatomy questions hahaha. But yes, please let my surgeon rest. 

The lady surgeon then went into the other room and poked her head through. Then she came back to me "Atiqah menjerit sampai Dato dekat sebelah pun dengar."

The splenic flexure fecoloma all evacuated. This MO puas hati. My surgeon told me to go change clothes while he cleaned the patient up before the next procedure. I went and scrubbed my arms more religiously than I ever scrubbed for a case, washed my OT crocs and changed into a fresh pair of scrubs. Then I sniffed myself. I'm always full of shit but at least I didn't smell like one. 

I walked back towards the operating room, passing two of my male colleagues. I went up to my senior and stood close to him, grinning shamelessly. 

"Do I smell nice?" 

I could see he was grinning politely and debating how to answer without it coming out weird. I'm a rascal who wouldn't offer the information that I just did a manual evacuation and was concerned that I reek of old shit. So I repeated my question.

"Do I smell nice?"

"Yes you smell nice."

"Thank you." He's too polite. 

dato complaining about boss to me but hey he's my boss

In OT today I was silently assisting Dato who was operating and focused on the tumour at the crura when he suddenly, still focused on the crura, chatted.

"Mughni- Mr. Mughni tak reply mesej saya. Saya mesej dia semalam dia tak jawab lagi."

"Dia memang macam tu. Mesej dia lambat sikit."

"Mesej dia masuk lambat?" 

"Dia reply mesej lambat sikit." Likely sebab banyak mesej2 masuk and your message jatuh bawah ikut list. "Saya pernah sebulan kemudian baru dapat reply."

Or was I exaggerating. It was when I sent Boss a picture of our old patient kirim salam when I was in Lahad Datu. He did apologised and said he forgot to reply. No worries Boss. 

"Sebulan? Kesiannya."

What is this. I guess Dato remember me now. 

mr fitri was liasing for a graft failure patient

At lunch my colleagues were counselling me, helping me make plans on How Not To Quit Yet. We came up with:

1. Do something for yourself, indulge in whatever reward for you

2. Go home and meet your parents

3. Study group

4. Stop thinking for reasons to quit

Then I continued my oncall per usual.

Tonight, as I sat writing my review, my oncall surgeon asked me "Atiqah kenapa nak jadi surgeon?"

I was thinking did one of my colleagues snitched to him. Or was the decision-making tonight so difficult it was making him question why anyone wants to become a surgeon.

So I told him that in order for me to be useful in Paediatric Surgery, I have to become a surgeon. Because I can contribute more as a surgeon than I can as an MO.

"So nak jadi berguna, kena jadi surgeon." He surmised.

"In Paed Surgery." I corrected the context. "As in, kalau saya nak masuk hutan dan operate pesakit paeds di pedalaman, I need to be credentialed as a paed surgeon. As an MO I can't do that. Lain la kalau general surgery."

He nodded. I don't know if I'm making any sense anyway.

"That being said, ada banyak cara untuk jadi berguna dalam hidup ni." I continued and returned to my review. 

I wanted to tell him my persistent urge to quit and live a simple life. Why masuk hutan and buat kerja when you can just masuk hutan and disappear. But there's enough drama tonight and I need to finish my reviews.

Later before he left, I asked him why he asked me that. He said just because.

It's not a big deal, but I do think that's the reason why I haven't quit yet. 

in which atiqah questioned what is the definition of a good life

In today's episode of #jaditraineesuicidal, I was in OT observing The Consultant in action. It was past 5pm by the time the thoracotomy was closed but we're not done yet. We're opening a cervical wound next. 

The Anaes was groaning "Tak balik lagi ke kita?"

The Consultant replied "Bukan balik, tapi pergi. Hospital ni rumah pertama kita. Rumah tu hotel je."

This Useless Trainee laughed at the comment and said, although not intended to be heard, "You need a better life."

The Consultant turned to me and his tone raised an octave. "How dare you. I am contend! This is the best life!" 

My chuckle turned polite. I didn't mean to disrespect one's choice of life nor dictate how one should live their life. I was just.. I guess I didn't really want to be here. 

He then sat down with a contemplating look and asked "Have you ever stayed in the hospital for days in the interest of your training? Say, 5 days straight?" 

"No I've never."

"3 days?" 

"I have." Sort of. 

He nodded. And then he scrubbed in for the cervical part. 

I stood behind him, observing him operate on this Day 5 of life, prem 33 week 4 days, 2kg baby's teeny tiny neck, fishing out the upper esophageal pouch and dissecting it from the laryngotrachealesophageal cleft. 

I made few comments here and there, asking this and that, because I felt bad about earlier. He replied me snarkily and I laughed. For the record I am a reckless idiot who is only afraid of God and height. Usually I stay mute because I don't want to embarrass Mr Mughni but I was hungry today, I have no inhibition. 

He was done in 30 minutes. Dude I can't even finish an open CVL insertion in 30 minutes. His work is a wonder and I understand now why he is so dedicated. With that level of skill, this work is best suited for him. 

I helped him with his OT gown and asked him about the next management for this patient. He again replied me snarkily before properly answering me. Probably realise snark doesn't repel this thick-headed idiot. 

He sat on a chair in the corner replying his messages while everyone went about leaving the operating room. I gathered all the politeness and sincerity in me and faced him. 

"Dato."

He looked up. He has always been an observant person who pays attention to however bilis you are in the hierarchy. 

"I understand now why you said this is the best life for you."

"Hah!"

Good job Atiqah for getting a person to shout twice in less than an hour. I grinned under my mask and thanked him. Then I went out to write the operation note. 

everything is my own fault

Yesterday I was hoping not to see him again because apparently I haven't moved on. But on my way to work I saw his car stopping at the junction and I paused. If he stops for me and he's alone, I will get in his car. I don't want to, I just told myself I need to move on! 

So I quickly hastened my pace. He was still stuck in the traffic and I got to the hospital. I did turn around to look for him and probably that was his car at the access gate. 

Later I went down to accompany patient for a procedure. I owe it to old times sake to at least say hi now that I'm in his territory, so I texted him asking where he is. 

He answered and asked me why. I didn't reply. 

Towards the end of the procedure, almost lunch time, he walked into where I was. I closed my book and chatted with him. I stood arms crossed like the cool chick I am while he sat next to me. We're not even 1 meter apart. He was wearing a sweater and I was happy to find that I'm not the only one who gets cold easily. We spoke soft enough just to talk between us. I asked only personal questions, although he started the conversation asking about my UM classes. I asked him about his brother who is in UITM. He looked confused. 

"Dulu kau pernah bagitahu adik kau belajar di Dengkil?" 

"Oh. Dia sambung oil and gas now."

"Oh nice."

"Oghe kapung ko?" It was his colleague asking. I turned to look at the interruption and almost glared. Let me have him for a while.

"Haah oghe kapung." Was what he replied. And then we got into a conversation on why he speaks Standard Malay with me and not in Kelantanese. 

But oh this colleague was still talking to me. The scrub read Zahin and had a UKM logo. He introduced his colleague to me as an Egyptian graduate so I asked where. He said he's from Alex. 

"Batch siapa?" 

"Kadir.."

"Oh sekali Mizah."

"Mijah. Lama tak dengar khabar dia." He said. I turned around to face him and the three of us chatted about our mutual friends. 

Then his specialist called for me regarding my patient, so I attended to his questions and gave him my pointers. He actually concurred with me and relayed it to his MO to report it. 

My case was then done. I turned back to him who was also listening on my case. I confirmed with him that it was his last week in HTA. He said tomorrow is his last day. 

"Bila nak belanja aku makan?" 

He chuckled and we said our goodbyes as his colleague and Hilmi Suami Anah took him away for lunch I guess. I looked on as he walked away, overheard the colleague asking Hilmi about something and heard Hilmi mentioned Paed Surgery and I guess the two was talking about me. I kept my eyes on his back until it was gone. He never turn around. 

I walked to my patient and went back to my work. 

---

Walking back today, I talked out loud to the darkening sky. 

I last saw him 2 years plus ago. In January 2020. He was slimmer back then. He was on a diet and didn't eat cheese. Why do I remember those details and none of what I studied? How did I even pass medical school? Scratch that I didn't just pass medical school, I was Very Good and that's almost Excellent. Where did that Atiqah go? 

And why does it seem like my confession never happened? Why am I just an "oghe kapung"? Why are we so.. cool? 

I got back and sat down. Then I opened our previous messages. 

That session. He hoped he didn't give false hope. And he hoped nothing change between us. Hell I agreed. I told him I hope I could still mess with him. He said I can. 

And fuck me, by February I was already messaging him like nothing happened. Girl you were so desperate not to lose him as a friend. I couldn't read any more. 

I should delete our conversation if I'm really serious about moving on. But I never did. I mulled over it way too much for my own good. I'm too much in the past, I'm wasting my present. Here I am, still liking him more than I should. I'm suicidal. 

His last day (for now) in HTA tomorrow. Can I have a tiny piece of his attention, one last time? 

third TCA, am i correct

Let's make this a standard review

Hobbies ie things I do to chill

Watching Netflix

I seriously need to go terjun sungai though. One time I was so frustrated at myself for not able to answer I imagined myself submerged in some cold Sabah river. Or was it drowning? It's interchangeable. 

Advantage

Still functional

Disadvantage

Malas study it is suicidal

Don't care but still care

Things I'm not good at

Studying

Complex

I need to talk to someone but I don't want to talk to anyone. Also I told Luqman one time that I'll be doing 95% listening and 5% talking. 

Best 3 food

Soft rice with omelette 

Cold mango drink

Worst 3 food

Peas

Taucu

My multivitamins are increasingly giving me nausea and I vomited here and there. But I think I still need those because of my unbalanced diet? 

Favourite word

I don't have one. But I wish to hear "you did good" 

Favourite colour

Black

Favourite song 

Elgar Salut d'amour

Favourite type of people

Cool calm people

Respected people

My mentor Mr. Fitri. I call him sir the other day because I respect him but he's not old enough to be my boss. 

My boss Mr. Mughni

Current happiness

Sherlock

What I bought recently 

Black jacket that looks professional but it's not helping with the cold plus it makes me look baggy, what a waste

Hardest thing ever

Waking up. I'm out of bed by 7.15am nowadays and clock in at 7.45am. It's bad. 

Studying. Fuck this

How to spend off days

Visit my family

Places to visit 

Sabah

What to challenge

Study more

Sleep better

What I want to do with my friends

Coffee

Study

zayn hugged me

I was at work when one of my patients, a toothy grinning toddler, happily waddled towards me in the hallway and as per good practice I squatted down to be at his level. He giddily approached even faster and unexpectedly threw his arms around me.

I was stunned. What do I do? A child is hugging me, I should be polite and hug him back? But COVID is everywhere what more with my job attending different patients throughout the day so I shouldn't expose this cutie to whatever germs on me?

Oh whatever, he was still hugging me and who am I to reject this small child who radiates pure happiness sharing his love with the world. It did took me half a minute of contemplating before I hugged him back, resisting the urge to pick him up. Then I asked him

"Should you be hugging strangers though?"

I was the one who sutured him up 5 days ago, but not that he knows. He's only two years old. As I tightened the hug a bit (just a bit, his father was watching and I don't want to be seen as hug-deprived although I am), I felt like I should thank him instead. The hug felt nice. 

i love to stay and chat but i need to talk to her about work please

Miss asked me to check how many cases we have for radioconference today, so I picked up the phone and called Radio counter. Guy said Dr. Hazwani was in charged and that I could find her in the reporting room perhaps.

I asked the reporting room extension number and gave it a ring. It was promptly answered with a voice I remember fondly. 

"Hi, Radiology. Dr. Hannan bercakap."

"Hannan, Atiqah ni." I found myself grinning. 

stop wasting people's time

Last night I was as usual, need to study for OT but fuck it I watched Sherlock instead.

Then I woke up for work. Did my rounds and then studied a little on the course of IJV. Just a bit. 

Then Mr. Fitri came and did the CVL insertion. He looked up in the middle of OT and asked

"Tell me the anatomy of the neck."

Fuck.

"Tell me the triangles, boundaries, contents."

"Anterior and posterior triangle..." Separated by SCM and then what? Fuck.

"Still waiting."

I gave up. "Sorry. I don't remember. I don't want to goreng."

He didn't say anything. 

Towards the end of the OT, he said something that made me want to die that instance. Without looking up from the surgical field he said

"I'm not a good mentor. Saya tak tahu nak ajar apa. So saya tanya je soalan yang saya rasa boleh ditanya."

Fuck this Atiqah. Just quit and not waste anyone's time, let's not waste this good man's time. 

I scrubbed out once we were done and found Tharisini writing up her op notes. 

"Hi babe how are you?" She was cheerful in her loud voice as usual. 

"I'm so frustrated with myself because I couldn't answer Mr. Fitri's questions."

"Biasa dah tu we're all like that."

"I thought I don't care but apparently I do care. It felt like I disappointed Mr. Mughni. I feel so... bad. If Mr. Fitri was a little meaner I wouldn't really feel this bad. But he's a good person."

I then turned to the computer to write my op note. "I need to chill but I don't know how. Usually my way of chilling is terjun sungai but there's no sungai here. I'm imagining I'm submerged under water now. I want to scream."

As I was scrubbing in for the next op, my surgeon walked to scrub beside me with a sighy "Atiqah, Atiqah."

I turned to look at him. And just stared silently while I scrubbed my hands. Just a silent stare not even a smile behind my mask. Yeah I'm frustrated too. Like I knew this would happen but I still don't want to study so how? 

Thank you Mr. Fitri for trying. I'm sorry you got yourself a lousy mentee. I should go die now. 

look who picked me up

I was walking to work per usual istighfaring because I have nothing but resentment in me. Passed the large bin, walked onto the road to avoid a puddle when I saw from the corner of my eyes a white car stopped beside me and pulled the window down.

I saw it was a male smiling at me and I thought it was my surgeon probably questioning why am I walking to work. So I turned to face the person and I freezed.

"Hey Tiqah!"

Propped out through the window was the sunshine. Arm on the window still with the happiest face I saw that week. The familiar wavy hair and the familiar smile. His cheeks fuller than the last time I saw him in January 2020 though, I guess he does diet only intermittently. 

He looked so happy.. to see me? I was stunned. Why?

"Masuk la." He grinned. 

"Hey." I hadn't had my coffee and wasn't as hyper as he was. I was lucky to have worn a mask and then I remembered to smile. 

Yesterday he suddenly texted me asking when will I be in HTA because he just started his 3 weeks rotation here before going to HKL. I remember replying cheerily that I'll be sure to take up his offer of free lunch. But I didn't expect to actually see him because we both know we are fucking harmless flirt. 

"Jom la." He gestured to his car, motioning that he was holding the traffic up. 

I hesitated. The door closest to me was the back door and should I just get in there? But this is not a taxi driver. This is the guy I really like. Liked. Who knows. 

I went around the car and got into his passenger seat. 

--

First thing I did was glance at him. Yup, that's him. He had a really nice watch on. Wearing a scrub shirt with his name embroidered. And then I turned to see if the car has a sunroof. Yup, sunroof present. White Kia Rio with a sunroof, plate number... I never remember. Raya 2017 he actually made me memorise this. 

"Kau still guna kereta lama kau."

"Yup."

He asked me where did I stay. "Nearby. 10 minutes walk je."

I then asked him isn't he late still driving at 7.30am and what time he clocks in. 

"8 pagi la." 

"Straight to your station? Takde passover?" 

"Haah. Kau?" 

"7.30am. I think."

"Jadi kau dah lambat la. Tak merah ke punch card kau?" 

"Surgeon aku suruh be in ward by 7.30am but senior aku punch in 8 plus. And tak pernah pun punch card aku merah though aku punch in around 7.45am."

Why am I talking about work????? I changed the subject. "How's life? Seronok duduk KL?" 

"Okay je." He laughed. 

I wanted to ask if he found a hobby yet but I was such a lame soul. He asked me why didn't I drive so I told him I haven't gotten around to get the access card for parking yet and I ended not bothering with it. 

He asked where should he drop me off. I was thinking of getting off when he parked and we catch the lift together but I think he was concerned that I was late to punch in. He asked of main lobby is okay. Main lobby is good. 

I pulled out my phone. "Selfie jom. I wanna send to Savinder." Not exactly, it was for my sake. I just felt like I probably won't see him again. 

"Gelap!" He then turned the lights on. And I pulled my mask off. And we smiled into the camera and he suggested I get off fast, fearing holding up traffic. But the picture came out blurry. 

"Sorry gotta reshoot. Gegar."

"Gegar la dah kau nervous!" 

I almost uprolled my eyeballs with a quip "Don't flatter yourself." Dude hasn't changed, still knows I like him and fucking feeding on it, jokingly or not. 

It turned out well. I got off and thanked him. Later I sent the pic to Savinder and a copy to him, wishing him a good day.

I wasn't late to work at all. In fact, springing to work. Should have gave him my Essenso 2 in 1.