loneliness is not knowing who to call

This week I've been emotional. I'm annoyed a lot, I fought a lot, I ignored the people I miss and I ran away from things. I straight up criticised my colleagues and I want to cry a lot. My eyes watered easily.

I had to pause a quarter into A Whiskar Away because Miyo's obsession and fake happiness to hide her sadness was so relatable I teared up in self pity. 

Maybe I'm tired. I don't know. 

Today especially. In the morning I was complaining about a patient and my Miss said it's supposed to be our duty, don't get worked up about it. 

I realised I was being unsympathetic. I'm not usually like that. What happened to me? If I can't be a good person then I'm nothing. 

I wanted to talk to someone but I don't know who to call. Someone who will hear me out and give me a virtual pat on my head. I want a hug. Should I call Luqman? I shouldn't call Luqman. 

Should I hit the voice recorder and talk on my phone? Like what I use to do. That's so sad, don't remind me of those sad days. 

So I texted my kindest MO ever Kak Lin and afterwards cried a bit in my car. 

I wanted steak. So I went back and cooked a piece of lamb shoulder with salt and pepper in olive oil and had it with the briyani rice I leftovered from Sandakan. I took a shower and watched A Whiskar Away. 

I cried when Yori told Hinode and Isami about Miyo's broken family. How she put on a brave face when her mother abandoned her and her father remarried. I cried when Miyo broke down after Kaoru confronted her that Miyo shouldn't smile if she don't want to. 

Just a bit. Why am I like this? 

I know my parents love me. But I'm feeling really lonely now. 

Kinako said no wonder Miyo wanted to be a cat, because no one loves her. Even her parents abandoned her. 

Should I quit being a human too? How? 

No, don't. It's okay. I love you. Even if you are nothing else, even if you're suffering to be a good person, it's okay. I love you. 

i will look back and miss you but i have to go

I feel like going away. Uproot, start over. Leave everyone behind and just go somewhere, whether or not I'll meet them again. 

Just go. 

I told Nicole last week that it's better to leave on a high note, when everything is good. 

Maybe that's why I'm happy here. Because I'm here only temporarily and I want only happy memories here. So I live happily. 

And now. I feel like it's time to go.

Where? Akram invited me back as Surgical MO in HRPZ but I've happy memories as a HO there so I don't want to be back there anymore. Let that place be a happy memory, and not a place of floating as an MO.

Also. I'm kind of disheartened by Kelantan people. Guys to be exact. Maybe I'm still sore. Sure, I'm still sore.

Reminded me of the song Drops of Jupiter. 

last time i loved the moon, i shared it with you

Tonight is a full moon with a clear sky. It was so bright walking from my car to the house, so silent no dogs chasing after me. So tranquil.

Reminded me of the night we camped beside a raging river in Melangkap. Moon so bright we could see the silhouette of Akinabalu. It wasn't so quiet with the river raging at full speed and scary depth, but it was lovely.

I want another day away from here. 

dread

I've been having recurring dreams that I'm back in Likas so suddenly I left unfinished business in Lahad Datu.

I'd wake up thinking man I do not want to go back there. How would I be? Depressed? Silent all day, talking only to staff and patients? Working through lunch hour and only have dinner for meals daily?

Luqman will be there by then, so I guess I'll have an ally. But will it be like when Vicky was there, where I was angry at the world and him trying to tone me down so I don't end up dead at my own hands? I think I'll be using Luqman as my crutch.

That's bad. 

I don't know. I wouldn't know, would I? We just have to wait. But I really don't want to go back to Likas. 

At least I had my fun. I'll have memories to live by. 

laparuddin

Postcall semalam. Tak habis kerja lagi. Cuma makan keropok Kak Andi goreng dan kopi secawan. Berdiri di kaunter sementara nak sambung tulis review.

"Lapar. Nak telur dadar." Merengek sambil buat kerja. 

Berapa kali dah sebut benda ni. 

Fitri bosan dengar aku merengek. "Ye la malam ni aku gorengkan telur dadar untuk kau."

"Okay."

"Dah ada orang nak masak, doktor minta la yang sedap sikit." Kak Arlyn kata. 

"Saya nak pasta with spicy tuna." 

"Camne tu?"

"Tumis bawang, bubuh tuna flakes yang dalam minyak cili tu.." Tapi sebenarnya panjang lagi cara explain. 

Fitri confused. "Sardin?"

"Bukan sardin. Tuna."

"Susahnya. Aku orang Melayu. Kau minta makanan Itali." 

Me to Kak Arlyn. "Sebab tu saya minta telur dadar je."

Kak Arlyn gelak. Later I went home almost 5pm. Drank a bottle of liquid breakfast. Slept straight 10 hours.

Woke up and check my phone. Takde pun Fitri mesej nak hantar telur dadar. Hmm. 

sudah la tu, ur like a lovesick puppy with cancer

Yesterday Rayner asked me if I went to Arif's for raya. I wanted to ask why Arif's house he's asking and not Dija's. But I replied him that I was at his place on raya eve, day 1 and day 2 raya. 

"Nasib je day 3 raya aku oncall, kalau tak aku di sana juga kot."

Apparently other MOs have been telling them that we cook often at Arif's place.

The conversation then went down to Dickson asking if Arif's looking for a new housemate because he saw Arif advertising for a vacancy. I told him it's probably to take his place, he's transferring to Tawau.

Oh. Dickson didn't know. I thought he would. He's in their cliques of gamer, isn't he? I remember dropping off Arif's McD at Dickson's place.

Then Kak Najwa said someone said last week that I was acting weird and sad and somewhat troubled. Was it because of Arif leaving?

I paused. Then I said of course I was, how dare he leave me before I leave this place. 

These people, they're reading differently into Arif and I. I remember sitting down with Aisyah from Anaes when she asked me the gossip that I'm with him.

I trust him and I love him. More than most and so I don't want to screw our relationship up. That's why I designated him as my brother and he me as his sister. When we both part ways, I most likely wouldn't see him again because I'm just that kind of person. But I'll hit him up if I'm in Kota Bharu or Tawau and I will always be up for it if he needs anything. 

It's not something normal people will do, in our culture at least. I am attached to him. Maybe that's why people think I'm depressed because Arif is leaving. 

I don't even realise I've been so. Yeah I remember throwing a fit when I first got the news he's leaving, and that I went through all the stages of grief that night. 

But even if I really was troubled, I think it was because of H. (Refer previous posts on snippet of what happened.) 

No one makes me more serabut than my thinking of him. I have a playlist of rejected / break up songs dedicated to my feelings for him. And that included a really painful Tergantung Sepi. 

It's different from H though. With H.. I don't know. Just different. Probably how loving someone and in love with someone are two different things.

---

Today I announced in our MO group that I'm going out to get pizza and cake for Miss's birthday. Arif then PMed me saying he wants to tag along. I told him I'll pick him up at the lobby. 

We chit chat in the car, I was wondering which road to take. And we talked about how different the town feels. I haven't been in this part since MCO started. 

I told him I'm celebrating Miss's birthday because she told me she always celebrates with her family and that her mom will cook her this longevity mee suah with eggs. 

"Tapi tahun ni dia dengan kita sebab MCO. Kalau aku, aku rasa kesik."

He said I was being kind. 

"Tak. Aku tak sanggup nak biarkan orang rasa kesik."

He talked about his day at the car shop getting his bumper fixed (RM50) and additional window cover and fix his brake light that the car shop auntie talked him into buying (extra RM150). 

We went to pizza. I went inside to pick up and he waited outside for me (he wasn't wearing a mask).

I went out and he told me there wasn't any queue at Secret Recipe while taking the pizza from me and offered to put it back in the car. I gave him the pizza and my car key and went inside Secret Recipe.

He was done and he joined me in choosing a cake, also what to write on the cake. 

We waited outside for the cake. He went to the ATM. Then cake is packed and we went back to the car.

It felt nice. I rarely get out from the hospital and it felt like a little date. It was nice. I felt like telling everyone that I'm on a date with Arif. 

But Savin said it's only a date if the feeling is mutual. What feeling is that to classify it as a date? Whatever that is, it felt nice. 

He tolerated my speeding. He did use to take my keys away and drove instead because he thought my driving was dangerous. But he guarded the cake well. I was worried I'll get the cake squashed despite him holding it with my speeding to catch up with Miss but I still sped anyway. I'm hopeless. 

We parked. He carried the pizza and I the cake. It occurred to me how smoothly our interactions are. We really have good teamwork. For someone I've only met since 8 months, we really clicked well better than people I've known longer. Must be all the Tawau fiasco we went through.

Then it hit me. I want something like that with H too. Maybe I should work in the same hospital as H so we can go for short little dates like that too. 

But I'm here. And he's there. I confessed and he declined. I tried to move on but he's still a friend who occasionally ask me how I'm doing. Fuck you why would you do that when you've never done that before. 

I'm not trying hard enough. I still feel attached to him. I still listen to my rejected playlist dedicated to my feelings for him. 

We walked to our ward and set up the party (cake is safe). Then we waited for Miss at the counter, Arif chatting with Fitri and me settling some ward work before I saw him walking out from the ward.

"Gi mana be" I texted him. 

I've taken to talk to him in Kelantanese when it's just us two. He calls me kak a lot. If I call him dik I'm at risk of being condescending when we're actually at partner level. We have good teamwork. So I call him abe. 

"Bawah jap."

That was around 3.30pm and he never came back up. We ate around 5pm and I texted him if he was coming or should I tapau for him? The cake really was nice. 

He said he's going back first. I said bye.

I should say bye to H and move on too. Probably delete him off my contact.

can i call you mine

This evening I took Renji for a ride speeding to Silam. I haven't gone out that direction in almost three months and I missed the ride.

I wanted to sit down by the water and wet my feet but unexpectedly there were many cars lined up by the water including a patrol car and Glen our diver's car. Maybe it's the time when ikan segar naik.

I did a three point, stared longingly at the water, and drove back. 

I wanted a lot of things, but the things that I have are actually just down to a few. 

I have myself. 

My job. 

My car, which when I left overnight at Arif's made me realise how much of a home my car is. 

My family, but they're far. 

My freedom to explore. Decapitated by this pandemic. 

I guess that's all I have to call mine. Just myself and my job. 

second day of coveid

Second day Raya. I left my car at Arif's place yesterday because we carpooled to Kak Sitti's place while Arif was at his place entertaining Zahar and when we were done, Arif tertidur and I didn't want to call him to let me in his house. So Nabil dropped me at my place. 

Malam semalam Arif sent me dinner nasi dagang. I kinda feel bad that he had to kemas makanan himself but he didn't mind. 

Pagi tadi took Grab with Kamal to Arif's around 9.30am and he didn't reply my message that morning so I know he was still asleep. Probably main game lepas Subuh lepas tu tertidur (I was right). We neared and I called him to bukak pintu and he answered sleepily and told me he needs to shower first. I oied him to let me in first. He did. 

I set up breakfast, heated up everything, then instructed Kamal to make coffee and fry the omelette. I had to walk Kamal through how to make the omelette to my taste and he went to fry it, but Arif took over the frying part. I think he knows by now omelette is my favourite but I rarely cook them myself when we're eating together, I always get him to cook the omelette for me. 

That's my way of being bratty. I'll cook everything else and whatever they want to pamper them, but I'll get them to cook my favourite to feel pampered myself. Haha. 

Anyway, we finished off the nasi dagang and I can't stress enough how delicious it is, jual worthy and it's our first time making it. I rarely eat nasi dagang what more gulai ikan, but this I ate four plates in total. I'm so proud of Arif and I. I told him he can make them again next year and he told me then to come over to Tawau for Raya.

I didn't reply that I don't think I'll ever see him again once he's in Tawau and what more when I'm back in Likas. 

I was supposed to be seeing him until September ends but it's now shortened by two months. So yeah, I'm using whatever time I have left for happy memories. He's a brother I'm proud of. 

i wanna call you baby

I don't want to be clingy but sometimes I miss you. I think about you and all I do is pray for my forgiveness and pray for your happiness. 

So I just keep to habitual, greeting on occasions. I really do count when was the last time I texted you. 

I do realise you don't appreciate me as much as I do, but when I make moves to move on, you'll show out of nowhere. It's actually frustrating and I want to cry, but I miss you. And I guess you sporadically miss me too. I want you to always be well, I pray for you to be happy. I want you to get married so that I'm let go. 

Last night I texted you happy eid. Because the last time I initiated it was the beginning of Ramadan and I told myself the next time I initiate will be on Raya. 

And today I celebrated raya with my folks and the guys. We went to our staff nurse's house and almost as I was finishing my meal, she pointed at her younger son and said his name is yours. 

I immediately looked up with an expecting face. Almost as if I was expecting to see you and I froze because it wasn't you. 

Dija looked at me when it happened and | told her I felt sad and I didn't want to finish my food. But I did, out of politeness.

What was I thinking? Clearly I wasn't thinking. You're oncall today.

I went home and texted you a happy oncall. You replied me with an ultrasound liver with a distended gallbladder.

I miss you. But I need to move on because it's not healthy pining for someone who doesn't feel the same way.

Dear God, if he's not for me then why are You making it hard to move on? 

i do miss you sometimes. why though.

I was checking out some other guy and replying his comments on FB when suddenly out of nowhere H messaged me.

I threw my phone onto the counter. Screw you and your timing!

I stared at my phone angrily for a minute before I decided yeah I miss you too. Sometimes. Not now when I'm chatting up other guys but I shouldn't play hard to get. 

So I texted him back. Oh hi.

27 July

Syukri send me a screenshot of the transfer respond. Arif's request to transfer Tawau is granted. He's to report duty there on 27th July. 

I bet he got this from Arif. Fuck you Arif for not telling me yourself. I think he knows I'll get sad about this but argh screw you Arif. 

Two months to go yet I'm feeling depressed already. Like I didn't know this was happening. Screw it I'm gonna get lost in some wood that time, I don't want to be adult about this. 

I'm definitely gonna get lost that week. I'm gonna be moping alone sad for my 30th birthday.

The next morning. Arif texted me a single liner. 

"Dilema"

Well. He later told me he'd take a 2 weeks tunggakan and cuti the hell out of it. 

Yeah me too. I've told Dija I don't want to work the last week of July. 

my first rejection. dont worry there will be more to come

Hospital Kuala Krai call, MO Paeds refer for obstructed inguinal hernia. Tapi esok pagi nak transfer KPJ. Tak sempat cakap apa2 dia dah hang up.

Aku terkedu.
1) aku tak oncall
2) aku kerja di Lahad Datu

Laju aku call balik. Cakap dengan operator minta sambungkan kepada SCN. MO tersebut sambut..

Dan aku terjaga dari tidur. Pagi ni ada herniotomy satu, budak ni dulu obstructed hernia. Bangun la berkhidmat untuk negara...

aspirate je la

Usually when people refer me, I don't ask much. I'll just go and see the patient myself. Unless I couldn't be seeing the patient (stuck in OT or other more urgent matters) or wouldn't (phone consult for a TCA).

Today one Medical MO referred me back regarding one patient's neck lump. They're treating as smear negative TB and the only other sample left they haven't got a culture from is the neck lump. My surgeon already saw that patient and he said not to touch the neck yet, USG first. Get sample from her sputum and her ruptured axillary swelling. Both of which came back AFB not seen. 

I told her to aspirate that thing if they really want. Because Radio not granting USG while patient is warded in SARI. We don't do trucut biopsy at the neck and FNAC is just a fancy thing where I bring a lab technician and her stuffs with me while I aspirate things. 

Might as well aspirate that lump (which my surgeon palpated as a cyst) and send whatever it is they want to send. 

"Then I'm referring Surgery to aspirate it."

"You're referring me to aspirate that thing je?" 

I frowned but my tone was even, pressing on the "je". I couldn't believe what I was hearing. They do neck central lines, they tap here and there. But they're referring me just to poke an unchanged swelling with a blue needle.

"Yes. Medical are stupid like that."

I never said that and never thought of that. Woah. This girl degrading herself so much for sarcasm or what? What's her deal. 

At that point I stopped saying anything and just let her talk. Which she then said she'll document this and this as Surgical input, to monitor the progression of the swelling, get USG as outpatient and will refer back if indicated. I told her the USG outpatient was already the plan when my surgeon saw the patient and she can just give the patient TCA SOPD with that USG. 

They started ATT already. What difference does it make now? 

SARI is being handled like COVID. I help prepare the PPEs and our hospital production is 'kais pagi makan pagi, kais petang makan petang' so I know how precious the PPEs are. Dude my fingers hurt from getahkan all those boot covers and long cap so I'm not going to simply go see patients in COVID or SARI ward, don a PPE for a quick non urgent procedure any doctors can do and then ciao. 

Nope. 

it's only april but 2020 is too long already

When I walked back to my car today, I was thinking how my 2020 resolution was to be deeper than my superfluous self. 

Which was why I confessed. 

Things didn't turn out how I hoped it will. Maybe that's what was written, maybe it's the best for me. But in a way, it affected me more than I would ever admit. Because instead of sticking to being deep, I am now back at being superfluous.

What happened today was that I was sitting on the counter watching the ward go by when Rayner caught my staring at nothing and gave me a finger heart. I replied with two finger hearts. I had a grin on but actually didn't feel anything more. It was a fun harmless flirt. Rayner has Elsie and I.. have Kevin. 

And at that point I felt I should just stick to having fun harmless flirt with whoever I wanted.

But never will I flirt with anyone who shows even a tiny bit of genuine interest. Nah, I'll pass. Too much. I did that and I felt horrible. Shouldn't play with feelings. People will get hurt and I don't want that on my conscience. Also I'm a wuss.

Which brought my train of thought to Kie and how she told me to be brave and give a chance to whoever come the opportunity.

But it was contrary to the fact that I didn't give Fitri a chance. Because we're colleagues and I cannot have failure because then my work life in Lahad Datu will be ruined. It will suck to move back to Likas before my year here ends. 

I thought maybe it was just for the time I'm here in Lahad Datu, but I was proven right though because he is fragile. I think he has been mentally and emotionally abused for a while now, me not knowing where I stand will be bad for him. He is my friend before any of this happened and I didn't want to lose that. I am selfish for wanting him as a friend. Especially now that Syukri Fadhly Arif gone from the ward and Fitri is the one left. Huh.

Eh stop this. Stop talking about this. You're not desperate. 

I'm not. I'm just getting it out of my system.