"I look around me and see a sweet life."

Today the team went for lunch together. In my car.

Carine was promoting how I keep my car clean. Mr. Ashok commented my plate is almost akin to my name. Then he opened the passenger door, looked around and said he should get his car cleaned as well.

It was a bit funny. I hardly ever have a passenger as space-occupying as Mr. Ashok. He filled up the space in the passenger seat and he looked like he needed more leg room. But Visha who is just a bit smaller than him was sitting behind him so I don't think he has the choice of reclining the seat.

He sat there with his schoolboy grin. He looked around curiously. Pointed out "What's that?" at my MP3 USB and wondered what kind of playlist I have.

I turned the system on. Muse was playing Supermassive Black Hole. Haha.

Then he turned to the passenger door and held up the thick Grosfeld's Principles of Paed Surgery I had there but barely open. His grin looked happy.

"Now I know who to ask questions to."

I'm screwed. I need to study harder.

Take a step back and make a list. And then kita susun mana satu nak buat dulu. Which is food. Let's get food first.

(1) I realized no one discussed next week's OT with Boss in clinic yesterday because I was oncall yesterday and was stuck in OT since morning. Takde orang discuss, maka takdenya orang call patient for operation la kan?

If I didn't discuss, no one does. Why? Should I have asked someone to? But we're a team and it's our team's OT, isn't it?

Or am I shallow and naive? Yup, I am. I should have asked someone to do it.

(2) Today is 30th already but I haven't finalized next month's roster. I drafted MOs side two weeks ago but as I presented to my colleagues it, one by one my colleagues came to me with their requests that they didn't put up on the board. And I obligingly edit again, one by one. I am nice to everyone except to myself.

After the fifth editing, and I was asking Vicky again what date was that he was busy, he answered vaguely and said "You don't need to think so hard."

I snapped. I told him I need to think hard if I want to accommodate everyone, which was my aim.

I should have put a lesser aim and just dish "Request lambat, aku tak layan. Kau buat jadual sendiri." or I try harder. I chose the latter, which makes me feel like crying.

(3) Visiting Ranau tak setel lagi. Astaghfirullah. Miss was just reminding me and oh God, I need to get it done before she gets back.

(4) Belum liase dengan MO Labuan lagi. Astaghfirullah. I need to sit down at clinic. This was a favour from Miss. And of course I know why she asks me to do this.

(5) Audit Tahunan Surgery tak payah cakap la, tahun lepas punya pun tak buat lagi. Memalukan Boss.

(6) Belum kira Audit SSI Appendix dan Performa ARM yang baru nak finalise.

(7) I'm sleep deprived, malam tadi semua orang pun call. NICU call, patient kami worsening (baby passed away later today PM.) Kota Marudu call refer dog bite. PSICU call, CBD dislodged and the Anaes MO asked the nurse to ask me about it oh come on, really Jeck?

(8) I can't do my work at home because my laptop's Microsoft isn't working and I'm staying back at work to do this stuffs, which makes me irritable.

(9) I need food.

(10) My surgeons are telling me to study. I know I need to study. I'm just a service MO with no family commitments and already this overwhelmed. How do I do this more efficiently? I am not matured enough to juggle all this but I need to be. How to be? Please help.

Oh God. Who am I even talking to?

The Return of The Sane Workaholic Sloth

In a bid to do something to get out of this slump, I took Vivky and Mr. Ashok's advice of putting goals for myself.

So today I went to Mr. Ashok with FOUR study proposals hahahahaha. And he's criticizing each with

"How is this going to help you in the future?"
"How is this going to help the community?"

With the rate everything was going, there was chance this was never seeing light. So I told him

"I'm doing all this because I want to do something or else I'm going to go terjun sungai every weekend until I get leptospirosis."

He got that I wasn't joking. But I said it in a happy manner.

Later I went and see Boss about it. Started my talk with

"Saya mencari kerja ni Boss."

It's a go for two of my proposals. So here's to Atiqah being serious.

Maybe it's time to get a shrink

It's possible that people are just so lonely and crave human attention but fear being seen desperate and being rejected that their feasible option is to talk to themselves. And envy Eddie Brock for having Venom around him every single time.

Like me, here, back conversing with Haru. Not what a matured adult will do. I want a partner of equal wit who will take the trouble of doing a lot of work on me and vice versa, but I'm too coward. Guess that's what I am these days.

On another note, Boss told Mr. Ashok what I vented to him yesterday, so this afternoon I had to deal with Mr. Ashok's funny little smiles and teasings saturated with 'I want to make this kid feel a bit better'.

It's all good. Funny, really, I'm uplifted. It shows that he really is a nice guy for feeling that he has to cheer his MO up. And I felt sorry that I've hit a low slump that someone else felt the need to cheer me up. A bit comforting too, I guess. At some point you get tired of always having to cheer yourself up.

I was remembering Clannad a lot these days, you know that anime I adored growing up? Nagisa used to not feel so inspired to go to school, so she would be dragging herself to school and when she get to the gate she'll say out loud what she wanted to eat by the end of the day. Something for her to look forward to. Like "red bean paste bread", simple stuffs.

That's what I've been doing. It's always just the first thing on my mind. Whatever food. All day I'll be like "I can deal with this, I'm getting sotong after work." And I'll drive myself there and buy them for me. It's saying something that I'm getting through each day by looking forward to accomplishing tiny goals like what food to eat. What happened to the bigger stuffs? Haha...

Today I felt like Big Apple's doughnuts. By default I don't fancy doughnuts with all the superfluous toppings. I usually just eat Krispy Kreme's original glazed that's only available in few places in KL and I have them like twice a year top. So today's Food Goal was a little too out of character for me. But since it was the first that I thought of since yesterday and me and I had a deal, Food Goal is Food Goal, I have to get some Big Apple's doughnuts today. Eating them is second.

I thought of dragging Vicky with me because that guy actually has girly sweet tooth and he can then eat the doughnuts. But that will entail me having to answer his questions of what's wrong with me and I don't need people asking me difficult questions I can't even answer myself.

I bought two pieces. They're still sitting on the drawer.

There are 3 people I call Boss: my dad, Mr. Tar, and Mr. Mughni

At the end of work today, I waited for Boss to finish at the clinic and had a talk with him.

Started off a bit reluctantly "It's not my place to say this.."

"But I'm listening," he said with his grin. He knew what I was going to say.

So I told him. I told him I'm worried about patients' safety, which brings me to worry us MOs are not learning the right thing, that will ultimately create an unhappy working environment. I told him what the reason for my concern do to us MOs behind his knowledge and I saw him frown.

"You all tak happy ke?"

"Saya super happy bila Boss ada." I smiled the sincerest I can. Our Boss is the best. "Seriously super happy."

In which he grinned. And then said "Then I'm worried bila saya tak ada..."

"I'm being put in a position to do something but I don't know how to, because when I open my mouth to even say a word, terus saya kena. And I think that's why I'm stressed up."

"As the head department, how may I help?"

"I'm not bringing this up to dump everything on you Boss, because we're a team, but I don't know. Maybe we need to have a better communication with each other."

Did I tell you I love my Boss? He's up there with my dad. I miss my dad a lot. Why the hell am I here in Sabah? I want my dad.

But I have Boss, so I guess I'll go to work and be a good MO for my Boss. If he's not in, for visiting or course or something, you can bet who's not showing up...

Hahah that's crazy Atiqah. Allah bestowed you this knowledge. And KKM pays your salary.

But not enough, they still pay me HO's salary. And I don't work for money. Sobs.

Even KakElli is saying I'm writing more depressive stuffs

Monday was a clinic day. I finished my patient, need a bathroom break so I went to stand in front of the WC because it was occupied. Mr. Ashok saw me and we talked about work.

Then he said "eh come here la, sit sit, I need to ask you something."

I sat. It sounded serious. What is it?

"What's troubling you? Do you have any personal problems? You seem very different this past days. You're not your usual self. You're not how you were when you first came here."

Oh shoot I screwed up so bad my surgeons are calling me out on this. Now what?

"Ah.. I'm not exactly sure what's the problem."

He told me:

If the problem I'm having is a person I hate, just treat it like a toilet. You BO, you flush it down. You forget about it.

Focus on what I want. You want to become a Paed Surgeon. You focus on your studying, your journals, your work. Forget about anything else.

He's like a big brother to us, so come see him if I need any help.

I'm seriously grateful for the talk. I am.

But I still believe the first step in settling this is to identify the culprit. What is bothering me? Is it my position? Is it something else? Can we credit all this mess to my position?

I think I'm messed up since September. Yeah September was when I started to become the most senior service MO here so it's likely. So it is?

If it is, I guess we're taking the "I'm not okay, so we're just going to accept that. It is what it is." approach because I can't get rid of this position. Yet.

I'm Googling up psychosocial support. So far not fruitful.

We're paid more or less the same

I'm not sure where the leak in my morale is but maybe being put in-charge is my problem. But I can't solve a problem by running away from it, right? Nor solve a problem by creating another problem.

Maybe I'll just accept that I'm in-charge and I'm not okay about it. And that is that.

Today I tried to run the MO work while I was stuck in emergency OT, ordering the other MOs this and that. We all join rounds in the morning, I'm post postcall, so why am I the one who noted what's supposed to be done and how it's supposed to be done?

Thank God the postcall person owned up to the surgeon as to why some plans were not carried out and later muhasabahed himself in my presence (in which I kept quiet and restrained from saying "I told you, didn't I"), otherwise the surgeons would have asked me about it and I'd just answer "I was in OT" while glaring dagger at said person "I reminded you in our MO chat group. Should I start telling you how to do your job now?"

Come to think of it, I probably should do that. Tell people how to do their job... without them feeling I'm telling them how to do their job. I need to be more manipulative and diplomatic with my words... Oh God.

I need to jump into some river now.

APLS

I'm stressed about my Serious Illness Simulation during APLS. I didn't get Good for two attempts so I'm down for my last attempt tomorrow.

How la one year left Medical and didn't study properly and expect good marks for Medical part? I need to study and I will.

Maybe my face was grim. I sat next to Vignesh for comfort. After everyone else have left he asked me what's wrong. Is it work? What is it?

"And don't lie to me, I know when there's something wrong with you."

Either Vignesh is very perceptive or I'm really that readable. I need to work on my Neutral Face Mask.

Team Dynamic

We finished OT and my registrar was writing the op note while I was sitting next to him bugging him. His hand got up to smack me when Boss arrived grinning behind his mask and saw us hackling.

Registrar immediately turned polite "Hi Boss" and yours truly went "Boss tengok ni Vignesh nak pukul saya".

Carine called me out on my tale-telling "Atiqah ni macam anak mengadu kepada ayah dia" and like any dads, Boss maintained his grin behind his mask.

Where is the will

Lately I don't have motivation to come to work. When I wake up I will look at the clock and roll around finding excuses not to get out of bed until it's 7.30 am.

"I have a terrible stomach ache."
"My head hurts very bad."
"My car broke down."

But I will be afraid what I lie comes true and I love my car too much for that. Then I go to work wording my sentence. Repeatedly in my head "Sorry I'm late. I didn't want to come."

And I punch in still on time.

Movie recommendation

Was reviewing patient when Mr. Ashok called. He's not oncall, what did he want?

First he asked was I asleep. "Tak saya tengah review patient, baru sejam keluar OT and baru habis round dengan Miss Rahilah."

Have I eaten ("Belum, tengok patient pun belum habis haha.")

Asked about two patients (ah so this is why he called.)

And then he asked me if I'm oncall anymore this long weekend.

"No, no more calls this long weekends." I worked all week two weeks ago and last week I did calls on weekend already, gimme a break.

I wonder where this questions are going to.

"Okay. Have you seen that new Mr. Bean movie?"

"You mean the latest Johnny English?"

"Yes yes."

"No I haven't."

"Go see it. I highly recommend it."

"Better than the previous one?"

"Yes yes. Non stop laughing from start to finish."

"Okay I will. Thanks Mr. Ashok. Have a good night."

Serosal injury

Today I understand why people who are hurt inside tend to do physical harm on themselves. It distracts you from the pain you're feeling.

I almost feel like jumping out of this sixth floor when I realized I didn't realize this POD 7 patient has a serosal injury repaired intraop. Dude, I was scrubbed in! Where was my head? I'm so disappointed in myself...

My other surgeon asked me about this case and I effing answered uneventful you can see how bad that was. She lamented "Atiqah awak salah bagi information kepada saya lagi.. macam mana saya nak harapkan MO macam ni..." In a casual manner before talking about something else entirely. I'm the most senior service MO now so can you see why I feel like taking a fatal jump now?

Hahahaha oh dear how exactly does one get better?

Maybe I need Psychiatry referral

Finally end of the week. Walked through the hospital parking lot and called dad, told him tomorrow I'm free, course the next day, free, oncall, then working day per usual.

So I'm planning to go to Kota Belud. Now. I want to catch some stars.

Dad asked where Kota Belud is.

About 65km from here.

An hour plus drive. How's the road.

Proper tarred road. Hilly at one part. No lampu jalan.

Alone?

Yeah. As usual.

He gave some points. Dad is never really the one to outright say no to me, to any of us. He never 100% disapprove anyway, but I know going here and there is his way of disapproving...

Never mind dad. I don't think I'll go.

But I think he understood my need to just.. go somewhere to cool off. Like really. I don't know, I just.. need to.. I don't know.

He said it's because I'm alone and I don't have family around in Sabah. I don't disagree, I think he might be right. I'm not this buas at home, I'm really a couch potato at home.

"Solat, doa banyak-banyak."

Yeah like what else am I supposed to do. The sea is right close by but I want the river.. I really want to, just drown somewhere..

Anyway. The friends are coming down to KK tomorrow. Problem with them is they like malls. I'm done with malls and I really need to go to some sungai. I miss not having people around me. I don't want people around me.

And I'm the Clubhouse Gatekeeper so they will need me to pass them the keys at least. They said to meet there at 9. Can I, like, drive to Kota Belud tomorrow after Subuh? I think I will. But who should I leave the key to?

Should I endure this? Meet them at 9, then chao to Penampang, go to Sungai Kibunut? They can join me if they want, or don't, even better.

I'll go meet them later. I have course on Sunday anyway, I'm gonna meet people anyway. Should I check in that Hutan Lipur Kawang at Papar? Spend Monday morning awake in the middle of the hutan before going back to civilization and do calls Tuesday.

Yeah that sounds like a plan.

Get it done. Then take a leave. Go to sungai. Get out and get back to work. Repeat.

I'm frustrated. I'm not good at asking for help, what more delegating. It's easier to do it myself. But then there's too much to do and I overlooked it and no one does it.

And it falls on me.

Miss was saying "you senior pun you tak boleh handle jugak haa" in front of the rest of the MOs and I know she's the type to say it as it is. Yes, it doesn't matter that I become more frustrated after she said that. Just because I don't feel like doing it doesn't mean I can just not do it. That's irresponsible. I'm not irresponsible. Things have got to be done anyway.

I can't say that I miss having Abe Khai, Abe Eswaren, Waina around because they're my seniors and they have left us. I'm the most senior service MO here now. I have to get this done.

The good thing about Miss saying that in front of everyone is that now everyone knows I can't handle it, so everyone has to chip in and carry the burden anyway.

As us MOs were discussing, she joined us and said "Atiqah I can see that you're frustrated."

So I just admitted it. "I think I'm frustrated because I haven't masuk sungai dah dua minggu."

She said I need referral to Psychiatry for always thinking I need to go into hutan, into sungai.

I hope I can master the art of not showing how I feel. Can I be Sai, always smiling? Fake smile but still smiling. But that's not real.