Where is the will

Lately I don't have motivation to come to work. When I wake up I will look at the clock and roll around finding excuses not to get out of bed until it's 7.30 am.

"I have a terrible stomach ache."
"My head hurts very bad."
"My car broke down."

But I will be afraid what I lie comes true and I love my car too much for that. Then I go to work wording my sentence. Repeatedly in my head "Sorry I'm late. I didn't want to come."

And I punch in still on time.

Movie recommendation

Was reviewing patient when Mr. Ashok called. He's not oncall, what did he want?

First he asked was I asleep. "Tak saya tengah review patient, baru sejam keluar OT and baru habis round dengan Miss Rahilah."

Have I eaten ("Belum, tengok patient pun belum habis haha.")

Asked about two patients (ah so this is why he called.)

And then he asked me if I'm oncall anymore this long weekend.

"No, no more calls this long weekends." I worked all week two weeks ago and last week I did calls on weekend already, gimme a break.

I wonder where this questions are going to.

"Okay. Have you seen that new Mr. Bean movie?"

"You mean the latest Johnny English?"

"Yes yes."

"No I haven't."

"Go see it. I highly recommend it."

"Better than the previous one?"

"Yes yes. Non stop laughing from start to finish."

"Okay I will. Thanks Mr. Ashok. Have a good night."

Serosal injury

Today I understand why people who are hurt inside tend to do physical harm on themselves. It distracts you from the pain you're feeling.

I almost feel like jumping out of this sixth floor when I realized I didn't realize this POD 7 patient has a serosal injury repaired intraop. Dude, I was scrubbed in! Where was my head? I'm so disappointed in myself...

My other surgeon asked me about this case and I effing answered uneventful you can see how bad that was. She lamented "Atiqah awak salah bagi information kepada saya lagi.. macam mana saya nak harapkan MO macam ni..." In a casual manner before talking about something else entirely. I'm the most senior service MO now so can you see why I feel like taking a fatal jump now?

Hahahaha oh dear how exactly does one get better?

Maybe I need Psychiatry referral

Finally end of the week. Walked through the hospital parking lot and called dad, told him tomorrow I'm free, course the next day, free, oncall, then working day per usual.

So I'm planning to go to Kota Belud. Now. I want to catch some stars.

Dad asked where Kota Belud is.

About 65km from here.

An hour plus drive. How's the road.

Proper tarred road. Hilly at one part. No lampu jalan.

Alone?

Yeah. As usual.

He gave some points. Dad is never really the one to outright say no to me, to any of us. He never 100% disapprove anyway, but I know going here and there is his way of disapproving...

Never mind dad. I don't think I'll go.

But I think he understood my need to just.. go somewhere to cool off. Like really. I don't know, I just.. need to.. I don't know.

He said it's because I'm alone and I don't have family around in Sabah. I don't disagree, I think he might be right. I'm not this buas at home, I'm really a couch potato at home.

"Solat, doa banyak-banyak."

Yeah like what else am I supposed to do. The sea is right close by but I want the river.. I really want to, just drown somewhere..

Anyway. The friends are coming down to KK tomorrow. Problem with them is they like malls. I'm done with malls and I really need to go to some sungai. I miss not having people around me. I don't want people around me.

And I'm the Clubhouse Gatekeeper so they will need me to pass them the keys at least. They said to meet there at 9. Can I, like, drive to Kota Belud tomorrow after Subuh? I think I will. But who should I leave the key to?

Should I endure this? Meet them at 9, then chao to Penampang, go to Sungai Kibunut? They can join me if they want, or don't, even better.

I'll go meet them later. I have course on Sunday anyway, I'm gonna meet people anyway. Should I check in that Hutan Lipur Kawang at Papar? Spend Monday morning awake in the middle of the hutan before going back to civilization and do calls Tuesday.

Yeah that sounds like a plan.

Get it done. Then take a leave. Go to sungai. Get out and get back to work. Repeat.

I'm frustrated. I'm not good at asking for help, what more delegating. It's easier to do it myself. But then there's too much to do and I overlooked it and no one does it.

And it falls on me.

Miss was saying "you senior pun you tak boleh handle jugak haa" in front of the rest of the MOs and I know she's the type to say it as it is. Yes, it doesn't matter that I become more frustrated after she said that. Just because I don't feel like doing it doesn't mean I can just not do it. That's irresponsible. I'm not irresponsible. Things have got to be done anyway.

I can't say that I miss having Abe Khai, Abe Eswaren, Waina around because they're my seniors and they have left us. I'm the most senior service MO here now. I have to get this done.

The good thing about Miss saying that in front of everyone is that now everyone knows I can't handle it, so everyone has to chip in and carry the burden anyway.

As us MOs were discussing, she joined us and said "Atiqah I can see that you're frustrated."

So I just admitted it. "I think I'm frustrated because I haven't masuk sungai dah dua minggu."

She said I need referral to Psychiatry for always thinking I need to go into hutan, into sungai.

I hope I can master the art of not showing how I feel. Can I be Sai, always smiling? Fake smile but still smiling. But that's not real.

Adhesive obstruction post open appendicectomy

First day back at work and I'm oncall. I'm the one who do the roster so I have nothing to complain about.

It was a lot of firsts for me. First time I spend the night sleeping beside a patient so that I'm awake for her fluid resuscitation. First time I take out the scan machine to aid with my management.

I felt like it is a bit of success for me as a surgical medical officer. To resus an ill patient so she will be fit enough for operation the next day, and I did. I asked feedback from Vicky and he said my fluid selection was "perfect" but I think he's exaggerating. He said the best would have been to resus the child in ICU.

I kept asking myself if I could have done better, and I think the answer is colloid, and yes ICU admission. I would have the child on closer monitoring, a single nurse aiding me, I would still sleep beside the patient like I did when I was an Anaes HO in ICU.

Both of which I didn't think at that moment and my surgeon didn't suggest, too.

I'm just getting some sleep for myself now. It had been a long day at work and I had to excuse myself from assisting OT because I could barely stand straight. And never felt more the need to sleep in the car before I return. Good night.

Lesson Number One: Don't Be Lazy. Since Atiqah = Lazy, then be Haru

You're paid to work. No matter how underpaid it is, you're paid so that others can sleep.

Wait at the counter for your incoming cases.

See them as soon as they're there.

Talk to the parents. Fill in all the gaps.

Remember thick abdomen.

Remember flushed face.

It's better to assume the worse so you are prepared for it.

Don't let tonsils misguide you.

And review back your newly admitted cases in the morning, especially those after 12. We know how sober you are past midnight.

The Spy Who Dumped Me

I called my parents to rant out today.

Haha nak mencurahkan perasaan?
Ye la habis nak call sape

He stopped laughing. Maybe I came across in a wrong way, I didn't mean it in a pathetic kind of way. I'm a strong self sufficient person and lately I've only been calling when I'm serabut of some sort. As we talked they asked me what I was doing. I told them I'm catching a movie.

Dengan siapa
Sorang
Takde kawan ke
Ika memang selalu pergi mana2 sorang pun

Still in a matter-of-fact way. I'm not one for self-sympathy. So I ended up ranting about Miss then I realized it's such a petty problem. Mom then her usual

Dah ada gewe belum
Belum. Mama jumpa dah ke

I feel sorry for making them worry about me. But I don't know. I mean she's right, she knows me well because of the question she asked. She knows I'd rather be dating than commit to something serious. Can I just have fun? Screw around? That's probably a bad idea.

Pissed Off Saga continues

Mr Ashok asked me what happened in OT yesterday, he did notice something bad happened because I was unusually and scarily quiet. He told me the reason he kept on hitting my arm, stomping on my feet, and let me close the skin was his attempts to cheer me up.

This guy I tell you, I have no idea why those are his ideas of cheering someone up, expected I guess for a prankster born on first April. But the closing skin did cheer me up and so I told him yesterday I was mad at Miss.

He said he heard from the scrub nurse today that I had it bad from Miss and that I didn't deserve all those scolding.

I really understand why my Miss is behaving like that and that's why I'm still okay with her, just pissed off because she kept on putting words in mouth and using my words out of context.

Today was another Fuck It Day since my surgeon apparently still at it pissing me off. But I didn't cower away from her and sat opposite her in front of clinic and maybe she took that as us pissing each other off but still chummy with each other. I guess that's what being family mean, you feel like killing each other now and then. At the end of clinic, she suggested we have KFC. I think she remembered I was mentioning KFC in OT yesterday and I saw it as her asking for a truce. So I ordered lunch and she paid.

Middle of the round, I broke off from the team to refer Medical two patients while they all proceed round at periphery. By the time I was done and regrouped with them, my surgeon turned to me and said "Siap dah laparotomy?" with a smirk. Why la this lady...

I wonder what will happen tomorrow but more than that I want to see how long she'll keep up that attitude. She knows I'm pissed at her, because she commented "sikit lagi Atiqah nak pukul saya" and "nanti Atiqah marah saya" and I just laughed when she said that.

You have no idea...

Pissed off at my surgeon: A saga

Today was a bad day for the whole team. The team is in a shamble.

On my side, I was scrubbed in for four hours with my surgeon who vented to me and at one point it was on me and I got pissed off. I remained fuming in silence the rest of operation and the scrub nurse was the one trying to set us straight again.

She kept asking am I okay and when she asked one last time after I scrubbed out, I gritted out "of course I'm okay, why wouldn't I be fucking okay" and that started today as The Day Atiqah Cursed All Day.

My colleagues cowered and thought I was in a bad mood because of them when in fact I was pissed off at our surgeon haha...

I sat down to write the OT notes, couldn't stop my hands from shaking in anger, threw my spectacles down and declared "I can't do this" and went off to pray. I came back relatively calmer, stopped Vicky who was helpfully trying to write OT notes for me, he even tried to make me rest and not scrub the next OT.

I went up to him, my palms together apologetically and I said "Vi you're my beloved bro, but not today. Don't tell me what to do."

I dragged him out for dinner later, he probably said yes to make sure I don't do illegal things like get drunk and crash the car into the sea. 

Happy 28!

The past two birthdays were spent oncalls, but this time I have the weekend off. I almost book an RM 300+ room with ocean view but in actual I'm not spending much on myself. Actually very frugal.

It's 11pm. I'm in my car, in my sleeping bag, at Hosp Kota Belud's public carpark in front of the ED. What a way to celebrate myself. Maybe I should stick to doing calls on my birthday.

Anyway I'm not going to stay up. I'm going to Subuh at the mosque then head out to see sunrise at Akinabalu cm. Adios.

bilateral VUR post bilateral reimplantation

In the morning I was stooping to examine my two years old post op patient when I noticed his eyes transfixed on my nametag. I held it up to him.

"Yoyong suka nametag?"

He pointed with wonder at the right side of my tag. I flipped it to see what he was pointing at.

"Ni logo KKM. Yoyong suka logo KKM?"

He mumbled out baby words. He looked so fascinated. I guess it was affirmative. He then pointed out at things on my nametag with me describing what each was. My face, my name, the phototherapy table, drug dosing, my locker key, my cash which he tried to fish out.

"Duit," he said. Dasar budak mata duitan haha.

Tonight at the end of visiting hour, I was reviewing patient in the acute room when I heard a male child screamed. Then I saw his family walking out.

"Yoyong menangis nak ikut ke?" His sisters nodded with a chuckle.

I got up and went to see him because (not in order of importance or truth):
1- I care about my patients especially when I'm the only doctor for this whole ward today
2- I don't like screaming kids because it sounded like a pain score ten and we're a pain free hospital
3- He has three drains out of his body and we'll be crying if any one of them was dislodged and kid ended up with strictures.

Yoyong was laying on his cot kicking his legs while his mother tried to stop his kicking. "Nda bulih ikut," his mother tried to counsel him but the distress was palpable. Child was crying with tears. Emotional pain score is ten out of ten. The drains were so far intact.

I held up my nametag to him.

Took me less than a minute to calm him down and I stayed with him until his tears dried up. He was especially fascinated with my locker key and used it to poke at his red toy lorry. When he wasn't looking I took my key back and assured the mother. I said good night to the perplexed boy looking for a 'missing' key on his bed.

And I returned back to my acute room. My drains are safe for another night!

The next day during rounds Boss offed his drains. So much for keeping it safe overnight...

Atiqah and her tire issue

My posh friends from district came to KK last night for a movie and they booked a hotel for the night. Posh people I tell you. They headed out very early for their Brunei roadtrip so I had the room for myself. Had the shades opened to enjoy the sunrise from the comfort of the hotel bed. This was my view. It's always a good idea to rise early in Sabah because the view is so nice.

After a sleep in, I checked out and sent my car for service. I'm terrible at car maintenance so I called my dad and brother who both didn't pick up. I resigned to my fate of being at the mercy of the counter guy. I told him I need to check my tyres alignment (bro told me months ago) since I blew up my front tire months ago and he said they don't do that here, I would need to send the car to a tyre shop.

Dad later returned my call and said to get the tire alignment and balancing checked, probably swap the front tires to the back etc. I asked him why and when, he said he wasn't sure either and I need to read on that. Sigh I'm really not good at this, not even sure what to read on either.

After the service, I messaged a few people who didn't reply on the spot (what did I expect). I decided maybe it'd be a good idea to go back to my place, shower, eat, then regroup. I've only been to a tire shop once in my life and that was the one in front of our house where dad is a regular customer, so I dared to go on my own. But this is KK, first time and I'm on my own. I don't even know who to ask, what to ask before I step into a random shop.

Maybe ask Savin to accompany me to a tire shop, but he's in KK to maximize his time with his friend so I shouldn't do that. Or Vicky but he's postcall and knowing him he'd still be in the hospital for whatever reason. Guys should know cars better right? I don't know any girls who know about car maintenance.

I decided to go back and on the way back send the car for a wash. Then I saw plenty of tire shops on the road back, close to my regular carwash place.

Should I wait for people's advices based on their experience? Should I have someone accompany me and be my guide? Should I marry a handyman and leave everything to him? Or should I make my own mistakes and experience at whatever cost that might be?

I decided to go with the latter and went into a random shop. Parked the car and went out, slowly approached a guy who nodded at me expectantly. Perhaps my awkwardness was palpable. I told him my problem and he took a glance at the car.

"Tayar kanan depan nampak lari, makan dalam sedikit."

Either he's good or he's bluffing me. I wouldn't know any better but I prayed God have mercy on me. He asked if I got the left tyre changed recently and I told him about the blow out. He suggested I change the right tyre and he'd do the balancing after. I agreed.

Midway through the changing brother returned my call. He said I should use the same branded tire for each end of the car, since the recently changed left was a Good Year, I should get a Good Year for the right because of the thread. I told him too late, they only have Falken and it's already dismantled.

I asked if it'd bring a great misfortune. He said it depends whether I'm speeding and the road post rain or not. I could drift off course.

I'm known to go at least 60 km/h at a corner. I won't bet on changing my habit, but this is potentially life-threatening. Huh. So much for making own mistakes and experience.

Hadi also told me to get the fronts swapped with the back since front tyres worn out quicker, and that there are plenty of tips written on Facebook and such.

But I was done. I don't know. This is like a non medical parent with an okay child with a problem. I want the best for my child but I don't know whether this problem is big or small or perhaps he's fine. The doctor will say something, right? The tyre man would have suggested to swap front to back now, wouldn't he? Or not, because it would be adding more work at no advantage for him? I don't know. Should I have asked him? Retrospectively thinking maybe I should. I should.

It was almost noon. I paid for the tyre, dropped my car for a wash and meditated at the mosque. I hope I'll marry a handyman.

Why don't we just consider it a surprise eh

I don't like not knowing what people want from me. Case on point is Vicky.

He's always nice with me. But not necessarily to others. Even as his HO he never got mad at me to my face and I never knew was it because he never had to or because of my status as dad's kid.

Same thing here. Is it because he never had to or because he's friends with me or because he needs favours while he's here or because I'm friendly with my boss.

That's bad. I actually feel bad for him. Imagine people not trusting your kindness. What is wrong with me.