I should write how my day went, because it clears my mind. But instead I've been watching Twoset although it's a jab at my current situation.
So. Let's begin.
It started with a week off after 4 EOD oncalls. I had a chill week, getting to bed early, waking up early for solitude in nature, then come back for breakfast. I've always had toast with scrambled eggs and sometimes sausages, but one time I was so hungry after going to Inobong I straight up queued at McDonald's. Then maybe I'll hang out with Hamizah or Hanan, and there was a day picnic in the rain in Kiulu with Kak Dilah cooking up an awesome tomyam soup pasta. Man was I impressed at her camping cooking game.
This week also I've discovered Twoset Violin and was instantly gravitated to Brett. Eddy is the more charming person but Brett, though he looks dead inside, awkwardly shy sometimes, he felt more comforting to me. They're lucky they have each other.
Or is it that I feel like a Brett and wants an Eddy in my life? Suspicious.
I saw a crested serpent eagle the other day flying solo, and it occurred to me that Brahminy kite is the least of my favourite sightings because they're always in a pair.
Whereas here I am. Why am I here?
On the days that I was alone, I remembered the long drives I took. Soothing classical music playing or the random K-Pop stuck in my head, or just the window down wind blowing in the melodious bird calls. I would be admiring how secluded and cool the green forest seemed, how the dense foliage will hide any hanging bodies..
What a good place to die at. So calm.
We should take a Grab so that no one will notice the car is around.
Yeah, keep the car safe. Hakim can use it.
Whatever way we go, we should go silently and so so quietly. Pick the least troublesome way to die.
Isn't it easier if a tree fall down on us or a flyover drop or something.
It continued on as I rested on my bed, staring at the ceiling fan above.
Or if the fan fall down on us. A real bloodwork though.
It's okay to get hurt and die, but imagine a head injury and also intraabd injury? Will we forget the past one year in Lahad Datu? Wouldn't it suck if Pali comes to visit and we forgot who he is?
To the point that I went lounge clothes shopping for everyone at home to express that I love them regardless what I end up doing. I.. I don't know. Maybe that will the last they hear of me. I remembered planning to write a note inside
I love you all
and debated over why isn't it
Ika sayang semua
instead but hey, I converse fully in English with Haru so that's a given.
But then I posted the parcel out immediately after buying them and I forgot about the note.
It happened many separate times, latest when I was on a walk yesterday at dusk at Sg Darus greenway. Which was my last outing before the rain poured that night and further mellowed my mood.
Enough of this lamentable loneliness. I decided that today I would wake up for prayers, make breakfast but leave them heated in the grill, go for a walk and watch the birds, come back reheat the breakfast while jumping into the shower, eat and go to work. Start out bright, have a good day. Think of enjoying life. Sounded like a good plan, aye?
Except I couldn't sleep until almost 1am. Imagine falling asleep easily past 6 days and tomorrow we're working and shit can the anxiety stop already? Woke up at 5am thinking why the hell am I doing this, what's the point, can we just go to sleep. I dragged myself down to the common washroom where I met Kak Dilah downstairs preparing to go jogging. She told me her car's battery was out so I asked her what time should we carpool. She said any time I'm heading out. I decided on 7.30am and then I went back upstairs, prayed and straight back to bed.
I had only coffee this morning.
We talked in the car. She told me she's decided to leave by the end of the year, late January at least. That us housemates should up and leave by next year. Enough is enough.
Parked the car at the hospital and as we walked I asked her how did she maintained her momentum. I told her I'm demotivated. I told her how content I was waking up early last week and how I made morning plans to cheer myself up in the prospect of working today, only to have it crushed down by the weight of my high functioning depression, if that is the thing I'm going through now.
How I am mostly alone (I couldn't tell her I didn't want to burden people with my company) and only with people when they invite me or ask me out. How dangerous my thoughts were when I'm alone.
How I wanted to leave Likas because I've build walls to protect myself from being hurt again, although the triggers are gone I still associate Likas with hurt. How I used to go to work because Mr Mughni was around and afterwards because Luqman was around, that they were "my crutch" and I quietly fed on their mere presence. And how I now felt lonely in a team and it sucks on my will to live.
She listened quietly. Subconsciously I might have chose the limited time we had from the parking lot to thumbing in to disembarking at our respective floor to breach this topic. She told me I shouldn't be alone with my thoughts.
I got to ward for rounds. OT called for a case and I went in alone for two cases. In between I went to the PSICU to hand in my post op notes and met up with the team. I remember stuttering a bit in front of Miss Haz.
Like, why?
I quickly excused myself to go in for the second case. I was done by 11am and I went down to clinic to discuss a peripheral case face to face with Miss Haz. Much easier.
There were Meryem, Naveena, Mr Fadli and Ms Aini there. I discussed the case. They were cutting cake for Fadli's birthday. There were also lunch. I was the first to help to the heavy meal (I was starving, imagine used to breakfast past 6 days and suddenly only a cuppa this AM) and I sat on my own in a darkened stall.
I wondered why was I alone. Room 1 had Fadli in it that's why I didn't eat there when I chose my stall. I finished up and saw Room 1 had Naveena and Meryem, Room 3 was Ms Haz and Ms Aini, and Fadli was alone at the back.
Ah yeah. Logic.
I did my SKT and then I went upstairs to pray. Met Huwaina and Ulfah. Hamizah washed my telekung and when I opened the bag, there was a waft of softener scent and a full bar of Snickers.
Hamizah is a sweet thoughtful person. And here I am a self centered person struggling with her sanity. What a life.
I prayed first because Huwaina wanted to borrow my telekung. She was on COVID rotation and she asked me to help buy her coffee. I went down to buy both of them coffee while they prayed and later departed. I went back to my ward and we had our PM round.
PM round done. It was 4pm and I could go back now but I decided to settle my LNPT because it was too sacrilegious to do work at home. At 5pm I waited for the elevator and suddenly a voice called out my name.
It was Chief Kumaran. He told me to wait one minute. So I did. He went inside the ward and came back with his bags he left after his postcall. And he gave me three bottles of expensive looking coffee. He bought them at Tong Hing because the review was good, but he's not a fan of coffee if it's not hot.
One for me, he said. And the chocolate for Ms Hazlina, he said. And the other one for whoever, he said. He already gave one to Ms Aini.
I wondered if he gave to the other MOs, but I didn't ask him that. I once got straightened by him because I was sassy and I have since know to be respectful because he is experienced more than me by at least 10 years, he deserves at least that. And when you do that, he shows the good side of having a senior care for a junior.
Like this. Expensive coffee. I'm gonna have this tomorrow morning.
We talked until we thumbed out and went our ways. I realised I could talk to him and him with me within the short moments we have. Probably we're both old shits who are comfortable with old friends presence. I appreciated our exchanges.
I picked up Kak Dilah and we picked up dinner to have it together with Ufairah at home. On the way to the restaurant my car did a jerky movement every time I hit the gas. Urm what? Spark plugs? Let's not be a gearbox issue please. We Googled and Kak Dilah called her brother while I texted Fitri and yeah nvm this has to wait. I love you but I'm busy working for next three weeks I don't have time to send you to the garage unless you're leaking oil. Please hang in there?
It didn't jerk as much from the restaurant but when we were leaving, a mutt came up and barked as hell at the hood. Especially at the left side of the front. He followed us barking as hell and I was cautious because I was afraid he'll run up front and I hit him. I wondered out loud if he smelled danger from the hood and it was a warning to save us?
"It's not a good omen with the jerking and then the barking. Oh well."
Life goes on. You die when it's time. We drove slowly back and dinner was uneventful. We talked about work, I mostly listened.
I'm full and should go pray Isya now that I've got this out of my system.
Tomorrow I'm oncall and this week we have one major OT per day lining up not including the emergency ones. What a festive with two MOs doing EOD calls.
