This is Pain Speaking

I don't need a knight in shining armour to save me, for I am not a damsel in distress. Nor do I need a prince to charm me, for I am as easily pleased by a simple witty man.

Where are you, the masseur of my dream?

Hernia. Hernia everywhere.

Dedicated to Syaimaa Ahmad and a fan who wished me early this morning and reminded me to update. Here's a long case for the two of you. Haha.

Alhamdulillah for the smooth exam, whatever the outcome may be. We had three patients to examine with five true/false questions regarding our findings after each case and a fourth patient to take a long case "in ten minutes" to be vivaed later. (Long case in ten minutes examination? My dad examined me a long case Down syndrome and gave me an hour!)

I was the first up for my group. The first patient was a recurrent inguino-scrotal hernia case and the uncle was so eager to help he showed me his hernia as soon as I greeted him. Lulz. I was scrambling to put on my gloves because no one is interested to examine a groin without gloves.

I asked him to stand so I can properly examine him but he refused and told me where to put my hands while telling me about his case in Arabic, using English terms.

Very distracting, but otherwise helpful. I complimented his English and asked for his history while examining the swellings. Even showed me his left hydrocele which I stowed away away away from my focus because that's sixth year curriculum, not fifth. Plus my torch was in my backpack.

My earlier scrotal neck test was inconclusive because it was really hard to do a scrotal neck test with the patient laying down. I asked him to stand up to redo it but he told me "Why? I told you everything already."

Time was up, the begrudging "Move!" was called by the resident. I went to answer the questions and the final question was "The patient has hepatomegaly."

I forgot to palpate for any organomegaly and I blamed it on the chatty patient. But I calmly answered 'false' because the patient didn't tell me he had hepatomegaly. Hahaha.

Case 1
1- content is omentum
2- swelling is recurrent
3-
4-
5- patient has hepatomegaly

The second case was a simple nodular goiter. I was on to palpate her preauricular lymph nodes so I asked the patient to clench her teeth, to which she laughed at me. "I don't have any teeth."

Case 2
1- surface is irregular
2- swelling is recurrent
3- there is retrosternal extension
4- attached to sternomastoid
5-

The third was a subcutaneous lipoma on the left side of the neck. I wanted to examine for its attachment to the underlying sternomastoid but her neck was so redundant with fat that I couldn't elicit anything... lulz.

Case 3
1-
2-
3- swelling is mobile in one direction
4- swelling is sub-fascial
5- surgical excision is the treatment of choice

Picked my last patient who wasn't exactly friendly. I was onto his previous surgical history when he cut me off to reprimand me for mixing female with male verbs. Sobs.

"Are you sure you're not a first year?"

"Sorry sir I know my Arabic is not fluent. I'm working on it."

"You have, what, two years to graduate?"

"Yeah one and half. I'm from Malaysia and we use Malay back in our country, so, yeah."

Cheap excuse but we weren't here to small talk. I was nearly halfway through my ten minutes with him so I needed his full cooperation. He nodded and let me examine his swelling.

Great teamwork with the classmates who got the same case, lulz. We compared and completed the long case sheet while waiting for viva with our senior doctor. I was the first up for my case and the first question after locating the patient was "What's your diagnosis?"

"Incisional hernia from a previous open heart surgery, not complicated."

"Why'd you say it's a hernia?"

"Because it shows expansile on cough and there's the scar of previous operation on it, condition started four months after his previous operation. Gradual onset and progressive course. Increase in size during work, straining and coughing; reduced by rest and laying down. Reducible when I tried to reduce it."

"What'd do you think of the content?"

"Omentum. It has smooth surface and the last part of it was a bit difficult when I tried to reduce it."

"And?"

"Oh. Doughy. No intestinal sound on auscultation."

"Is it strangulated?"

"Nope. I can reduce it, there's no vomiting, no abdominal distention, no colicky abdominal pain, no absolute constipation-"

The doctor blinked. "Your patient has all that?"

"Eh no. It's not complicated."

"If your case strangulates, how will he present?"

"All that."

"No he won't. Why?"

"Eh." I blinked.

"Because the content is?"

"Because the content is omentum.. So there can't be intestinal obstruction." Lulz.

"What will he have then?"

"Loss of expansile on cough."

"Good. So what would you suggest for his treatment?"

"I'd suggest herniotomy and mesh hernioplasty."

"Not herniotomy."

"Why not?" Haha who's vivaing whom?

"What do you think?"

"Erm. We still need to remove the sac so why not herniotomy?"

"Because the neck is large-"

"Oh!"

"-so we just invaginate the content inside and do mesh hernioplasty." He calmly answered his own question. Thanks doc for being patient with me, hopefully this knowledge won't cost me marks.

"Oh okay."

"What other hernia we don't do herniotomy?"

Time to throw darts. Other hernia with wide neck, eh. "Paraumbilical hernia?"

"No. Inguinal."

"Erm. Indirect?" But I clearly remembered discussing indirect hernia with Dr. Hany and we definitely do a herniotomy here.

"Direct. We can just push the content back inside and apply a mesh."

"Okay I see."

"You can go now."

"Thanks doctor. Have a nice day."

AND HARU IS A FREE (WO)MAN! Except I have work to do. After I was dismissed, I went to check for my MCQ Internal Medicine exam and lucky me, the date was out. It was scheduled for this Saturday the 16th.

So, yeah. Allah was serious when He said

Therefore, when thou art free (from thine immediate task), still labour hard,

Surah Ash-Sharh verse 7 

Yosh. Let's work hard.

Family is a tree

We're a family of four. There's me the smart/smartass kid and my cute funny older sister. We have an awesome abah who goes to work and comes home with the spirit of a supermom cooking dinner for us hungry kids. And there's ummi who is too much relaxed, lulz.

Abah ku pulang dari Pattani, Abah ku belikan kerabu perut.

Ummi bawa pulang dari Rom.

I've also a step-kid-bro with whom I have to act more maturely so as not to corrupt him with my badass way.

Family is a tree. It keeps you stable and sane, somewhat sengal while maintaining your thiqohness while going about doing your respective obligations.

dan kerana tuhanmu, bersabarlah

Everyone is working hard and the right thing is to keep everyone's morale up in this trying time. My impatient comments, though good for the end result, will not be helpful.

I'd choose not to care, but they're my bros and sisters (which makes me more liable to hit them because ironically I feel attached to them) and Rasulullah peace be upon him taught us that a person who mingle with people and be patient with their antics are better than those who don't.

We're in this together. We're.. a family, and I'm their annoyed cousin. Can't leave them one way or another. This is my opportunity to be wise on them (instead of the current wiseass), time to be coolly open-minded and to really live putting trust in Allah since the very beginning of effort.

Call me vain or narcissistic. I know that but I don't feel bad cause I'm a badass. Maybe I need to do something fun before the meeting.

---

My phone rang. I forgot to mute the thing before starting. The guitar riff blasted. Three girls looked at each other and giggled amusingly. I hung up and asked what's up.

JJ: Kitorang suka ringtone akak. Terbaik.
Me: Tahu ke lagu ape?
JJ: Tak.
I told them the title and laughed. God, if my naqibah could see me now she'll smack me on the head.
JJ: Balik nanti kita download.

---

NCH: Kenapa kita bincang soal anak miskinah?
Me: Sebab dia kacau geng kita (otw nak pergi usrah).
NCH: Tu dia.. ayat macam gengster.
Me: Hahaha.

Everybody cares in his own way

"Kali ni macam banyak pula benda jadi dalam batch."

"Allah nak kuatkan ukhuwah antara korang kot," Kak Teha said. I blinked.

She was probably right. But along with that realization came a pang of pain when I considered how pitiful it was to have a misfortune to occur before we, I mean me, really appreciate each other.

---

I went to lecture today with a headache that necessitated me to approach Umair first and my first sentence was to ask whether she had any Panadols with her. I was in luck.

Lecture ended and I sorely needed to sleep because two tablets of Panadol was of little help and my cure to anything was sleep. Arrived at the ward for our clinical session and I approached an empty made bed at the male's ward to sleep in since they haven't unlock the classroom for us. Obviously I wasn't thinking straight. Thankfully they opened the class just before I could lay down.

Went inside the class, plugged in my iPod and tried to sleep. Woke up a few groggy times to answer Ira when she asked how I was doing and to see the guys taking the patient's history and finally to see the doctor had magically appeared.

Took out my pen and let's get this class over with.

Class was dismissed and we went to visit our admitted friend. Outside, our mentor grinned and asked whether I was feeling well or not. "Muka kau pucat."

I laughed before that gnawing feeling sank in. It felt..

---

"Amik insulin tu IV ke IM?"

"Subcutaneous," both answered with a grin.

"Haah la subcutaneous. Sejak bile insulin ada IM? Bongoknye aku.." turned around embarrassed and saw that the window behind was opened. We were up in the ninth floor. "Mungkin aku patut terjun sekarang."

136

It's the direct bus from there to where I live. A one-journey fare is LE2. If we're lucky and the bus is en route, it will be LE0.50 cheaper than the usual microbus-to-Damardesh-and-Metro-to-Sayyeda option.

Even better if we get a seat. Can nearly have a shut-eye and periodically open the eyes to check whether we're there yet or not.

Because of its convenience, as I climb the steps of the bus, what comes to mind will always be which one of us is so sincere with his post; so sincere that Allah is rewarding his sincerity with this much ease after a brain-wrecking session.

Definitely not me ;)

Scaring people is an insult to their intellect

When it comes to choosing, let it be that you choose it because you want it, and not because you don't want the other options.

Like in an MCQ exam. There is a difference between a student who picked A because he knows A is the real answer and a student who picked A by exclusion. A bigger example will be the Egypt revolution and the immediate post not-calm period; whereby they ousted Mubarak but then failed to reach any understanding because they didn't know what they want, they only knew what they didn't want.

This stems off the "Adakah ini yang anda mahu?" tactic usually circulating. Never fail to make me feel personally insulted no matter who the propagator is. I don't want it to be that I choose A because I was fed by A with the catastrophic consequences of choosing B or C or D.

That kind of tactic is degrading my intellect by thinking I can be scared off and that I don't have enough esteem to know what I want. Also goes to show A has nothing worthy of his own in the first place.

Do not ever mistake fear for respect.

Suddenly it is a Sunday

Yesterday I presented Medical Ethics to my fellow MedTeam colleagues. They gave me ample time to prepare for this topic but awesome person I am, I managed to procrastinate until the night before, hence an hour of sleep only the night prior to my presentation.

I couldn't walk straight by the time I had to leave the house early for a meeting before my presentation. Not sure which of my short list of good deeds that helped me walk from Mounira to Abou Rish in one piece.

Otherwise it was a good day. Always a good day when you don't have to iron your clothes and wear a blazer somemore, that blazer always makes me feel smart. Hahaha.

The highlight of yesterday was my colleagues. Two of them had to leave the discussion early for two separate reasons and they respectively approached me and asked for my permission to be dismissed early.

Of course I said yes. The fact that they even bothered to ask me showed how respectful they were to the person standing in front sharing something with them, despite the fact I was a lowly presenter. My respect for them swelled.

Another was the guys who chaperoned me back (just me, the other girls left me while I was praying grr). They lived in the vicinity of the discussion place while I lived in Mounira, so I really appreciated that they would walk the extra mile for my sake.

When one of them said that they'll send me halfway only, I immediately agreed. I'm used to walk home at night alone anyway. But then he said, "Just kidding, you did a great service today."

And I was.. Masha Allah. Whatever had I done to be treated so respectfully today?

---

I remembered a scene in The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi whereby Kyon was analyzing Haruhi when she was silent and a little awkward after the girl band showered her with appreciation for helping them out in the school performance.

Kyon deduced that she was always doing things for her own sake and those things go unacknowledged. So when a rare appreciative person showed up, she didn't know how to handle it.

A little sincere appreciation goes a long way.

For the first time in my life I wanted to be a microphone

I don't write about major events. They usually leave me too speechless to pen them down. The best I can give you is a recap at the end of the year.

Anyway, I would like to properly introduce you to the person who made me jealous of an inanimate object. His name is Jonghyun, two months older than me, a crazy awesome guitar freak with a rock star aptitude ironically blessed with a pop/ballad voice. 

I have a record of falling for good-for-nothing impossible-to-get guys and the more I get to know people, the more flaws I found so the old-age adage of "love is a verb" really does hit me hard. I'll do my best (lulz) but let's see how this ends.. though I already know how it's going to end. Hahah.

I'm going to get killed because of this confession, believe it. And I hope he keeps his hair about that long and remains the happy but cool reliable white-tee-and-jeans undyed hair dude I'd always adore.

Missing

"I gave you the bus fare, but you walked? So where's the guitar on your shoulder?"
"Maybe the guitar took the bus."
(physically restraining before hitting little brother on the head)

Bakery Attack

Hey. I am missing out from the scene, I know. On purpose. Have my own reason of course, please allow me that small bit of credit.

What should I say.. maybe I'm pushing your faith in me. But I'm not exactly actively proving myself to you, am I? Maybe I'm doubting myself and my intentions, like I always do when it comes to you. Maybe I'm just running away for lack of wittier things to do. Maybe I have too much on my plate to taint myself with more sins. Maybe I just don't want this that badly, heh, maybe at all.

Anything goes at this stage. Maybe I've reached this mental stage.. but quite unlikely. I've been mental since I can remember.

I'm always praying, that's for sure.

Whatever Happened to Anatomy?

Dr. Hany came into the class with a young adult male patient. He confirmed with us that we can take the history in Arabic. "So who's going to take the history today?"

"Hana~" Classmates around me chanted.

"What the hell," I retorted back.

Dr. Hany looked at me. "You?" He smiled.

I nodded and stood up. "Are you going to be in the class or outside?" I asked him.

"Outside." He grinned. "Why?"

"Better for my confidence if you're outside." I laughed.

Introduced myself to the patient and got his permission. Asked his personal history. We came to the complaint and I cursed myself for my lack of vocab in the body parts department.

I asked where the swelling was again and understood he mentioned towards his lower regions. He gestured towards his right lower abdomen and I turned back to face the class with a tense face.

"Can I get a guy with me? I think this is an inguinal hernia."

Is and Chip came to my rescue. I wasn't sure who was more embarrassed; me or the patient. Haha.

---

Towards the end of presenting..

Dr. Hany smiled expectantly. "Did you asked about his allergy history?"

Grinned sheepishly. "No I didn't." He grinned and smacked his fist in his palm. Haha. I remembered Dr. Hany was exceptionally particular about a patient's Medication and Allergy history, beats me why I didn't ask these in full details..

"If there's one thing you learn from me, let it be this."

---

The history-taker gets to examine the patient and no I didn't want to examine a groin because I'm not married yet so my logic dictated that my first encounter with a living male genitalia should not be a patient's. Thus I felt.. "tercemar". Gaah.

Shoot me. My logic is illogical sometimes.

Anyway I did examined the patient. Used a glove of course that fit Dr. Hany like a glove (haha funny) but went sagging on me.

Earlier during Inspection, I didn't even know where to look at. The scrotum appeared to be unilaterally big, but where was the swelling? I looked down to compare it with mine but then I remembered I do not have a scrotum to compare the normal shape and size of it. Had to turn to Is and asked him to draw a diagram to locate the swelling for me. (Okay stupid illogical excuse. Whatever happened to Anatomy?)

A good fun class with Dr. Hany as expected. But I should probably stick to medicine unrelated to male private parts..

setelah mencuri pinjam laptop ahli beit, maka inilah bebelan pertama setelah sekian lama

bila saya jumpa kesilapan tatabahasa, ejaan, susun kata, apa-apa la yang saya perasan dalam sebarang penulisan PERUBATAN atau mana-mana web, benda yang saya buat adalah:

1- senaraikan kesilapan tersebut

2- cadangkan apakah pembaikian yang sepatutnya

3- PM kepada orang yang bertanggungjawab

atau kalau benda tu bawah bidang kuasa jabatan liputan atau kesilapan jabatan lain yang memang gila obvious atau saya ada kesempatan kerajinan dan masa, kadang-kadang saya log in dan terus baiki. save, siap. maklumkan kepada orang yang bertanggungjawab apa yang saya edit. setel. 

sebab saya mampu, maka saya berusaha untuk mudahkan kerja orang. tidaklah saya bersikap komen komen komen tak puashati tak puashati tapi haram tak produktif pun. yang penting, ada perubahan yang kita buat.

dan inilah antara aktivisma praktikal yang seharusnya kita buat sementara bercita nak syahid di gaza. kan kalian semua ahli perubatan baru je habis berseminar.

---

mediaperubatan adalah sekumpulan budak medik, dentist, pharmacy yang sedang belajar bermedia melalui persatuan pelajar-pelajar perubatan malaysia mesir. major kita dalam bidang perubatan, pergigian, farmasi masing-masing. kita bukan pekerja media prima, bukan ambil major language atau komunikasi. 

sila serap benda ini menjadi kefahaman sebenar-benar kefahaman. bila dah bekerja bersama dalam mediaperubatan, kita semua perlu saling tolong-menolong. kalau tak sempat nak tolong pun, at least alertkan terus kesilapan orang lain sebolehnya sebelum orang bukan media yang tegur. 

bila orang bukan media hentam kesilapan kali ini, saya takde masalah. sebab memang salah saya selaku editor yang bertugas tetapi saya away without leave padahal tiada siapa yang ada untuk menggantikan saya. benda ni memang dijangka akan berlaku dan saya menerimanya dengan senyuman girang, betulkan kesilapan saya dan minta maaf.

yang membuatkan saya tidak gembira adalah mereka yang kononnya bekerja bersama tetapi memberitahu kepada kami (saya?) apa yang patut kami (saya?) buat dalam keadaan sekadar memerhati dan mengomen dan tidak mengetahui kondisi kerja kami. orang yang bekerja sekali akan mengetahui bahawa media tak pernah cukup orang. bila cuti, lagi la tak cukup orang. saya tak boleh terima orang yang merendahkan moral rakan sepasukan. orang luar hentam, dimaafkan. orang dalam? oh tidak sama sekali. 

---

kak radin rekrut saya masuk mediaperubatan semasa minggu pertama saya di mesir, asalnya sebagai jurugambar. tetapi assignment saya yang pertama merupakan temuramah kak battah selaku senior yang akan BFG (back for good) pada masa itu maka dikenalilah saya sebagai wartawan.

tahun tiga, saya pegang sebagai timbalan ketua jabatan liputan dan semakin kurang meliput sebaliknya lebih kepada news editing. tahun empat dan sekarang, wartawan makin ramai maka makin kecil tugasan saya. lebih aktif berbincang penetapan isu apa ingin dikupas pabila ada majlis besar dan menemubual orang-orang. kadang-kadang saya sendiri buatkan berita kalau saya seorang je krew jabatan yang ada pada event tersebut, atau temubual subjek yang saya rasa menyeronokkan.

hampir lima tahun. antara sebab saya stay adalah abang hafiz (dinmat) yang menyeronokkan

mesti bapis marah saya screencap dia sekali lagi. nanti saya belanja cupcake ya.

dan junior-junior yang perlukan kasih sayang hahah. di sini jugalah saya belajar berkomunikasi dengan ramai orang dan mendapat tunjuk ajar daripada super senior yang saya kira menjaga saya sejak saya tahun satu lagi.

this feeling is called gratitude, i have a strong sense of belonging and loyalty. i am having fun. please have fun with me.

May God keep her safe always

Paginya saya bangun sendiri. Kagum sebentar, haha. Subuh berjemaah dan mathurat kubra beramai-ramai. Kak Milah sediakan nasi lemak sementara saya dan Panic berbual. Makan, seterusnya berbual sehingga tengahari.

Panic namakannya usrah Panic & The Peas, lol.

Membawanya berjumpa Balqis. Saya berusaha nak suapkan habis makanan si kecil itu tapi dia degil, mahu pizza dan kek serta jus mangga orang dewasa tetapi enggan habiskan lagi dua sudu makanan yang mamanya masakkan penuh kasih sayang.

"Balqis, jangan macam ni," saya bersyarah kepada bayi yang enggan lepaskan botol ubat kosong untuk dikunyah. Dia duduk di atas tilam yang diletakkan di lantai dan saya berteleku di sisinya. "Entah bila lagi kita nak jumpa-"

Dia memandang saya, tersenyum dan memegang lembut tangan saya seperti ingin menenangkan saya. Seolahnya berkata "Jangan cakap macam tu Acik Hana, nanti kita jumpa lagi laa."

Saya cair, bergulingan dan merangkulnya saat itu juga.

Panic faham mengapa saya sayangkan Balqis lebih, haha. Kelihatan Aunty Panic juga bergomel membuli Balqis, mengangkatnya gaya Lion King, lol.

Perlu meneruskan perjalanan ke rumah Kak Pana pula. Mendukungnya sebelum keluar dan Balqis terus melentokkan kepalanya ke bahu saya dan menepuk-nepuk bahu saya, seolah mengetahui si dewasa ini perlu ditenangkan.

Saya cair. Balqis yang disayangi dan menyayangi. Hari ini usianya 364 hari.

Saya tak nak bayi lain. Saya nak Balqis je.

Mutawatir #1

I found the place by accident. Its.. sort of exclusive ambiance made me reserve that place for special occasions and also made me conscious of what I wear during the casual sitting. Plus we get to see egrets perching on trees if you walk there. Always a humourous sight.

The first time I picked that place as a meeting place was two years ago with two girls along to meet a friend from Luton. After that, I always wanted another round of good coffee, soothing Hotel California from the piano and friendly hospitality but if I frequent there often, it'll lose its exclusivity in my eyes.

The second time was tonight.

Not many people know of this place, I suppose. And it is not me to share it with the same people. So the next person I share this place with, I hope it will be with you. Try not to make me wait.. I want good French pâtisserie :)