"Are you busy? Can you come and get me?"

When it comes to giving rides, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I won't let you take a Grab. I'll send you to the airport. I'll drive slow, for the sake of spending time with you.

But to ask for your time for me? I won't do that. Because I don't expect anything from you.

I remember how I walked home from KB Mall in the spring rain because my parents couldn't fetch me and I didn't want to call anyone. I thought of you, I thought of another friend. I didn't trust taxis, so I ended walking almost an hour in the rain.

Or when I was admitted and I didn't tell you nor the team because I imagined I would be sad if you guys knew but didn't come visit me.

I know how I feel about you, what you are to me. But I don't care how you feel about me, what I am to you. At times I think I'm appreciated as much as I appreciate you, other times I think I'm too much for even expecting anything.

Do I value myself less? I think it's me being selfish. I become loose so I wouldn't be hurt.

Luqman is here

Went to KB yesterday with Luqman, Mizah and Kudus trying to catch a glimpse of Aki in the rain. We played poker and we did.

In between me bitching I shouldn't have slept all night last night and finish the MC script so that I could enjoy Sunday with them. But I slept all night last night and now poor my MC partner waiting for the script.

"Kesian Elango" was my mantra as I tried to motivate myself to finish it with my laptop on my lap somewhere in Lasau Podi, surrounded by beauty and cow's dung.

I finished it and emailed it to him before 7pm and drove us back to KK.

Today was Day 1 of the event. I tended to Luqman and he went to eat with the kakak-kakak while I did my work. And then I came back to check on him if he needed anything and he was then talking to my MC partner with his louder, kidding tone.

"Hey bro kenapa you marah Atiqah semalam?"

I grinned mischievously and went to hide behind Luqman, mimicking a kid hiding behind her protective older brother. Elango was spluttering and I caught a glimpse of his awkward, don't-want-to-get-in-trouble face while the kakak-kakak laughed at me. Then I left to continue my work with happy skips.

I guess I'm just a kid who wants to be pampered once in a while. I've been good on my own, living here on my own. Please praise me, do scold me and let me sulk for a bit, and please shower me some love sometimes. Just for a second. Let me feel vulnerable and safe for just one second.

And I'll skip happily back to reality soon after.

Specialists nowadays are young

I was standing in front of the elevators with the broken button, just staring at the numbers absently. Both elevators were coming up. I looked outside to where the sun was setting blindingly before turning back to the moving numbers, shouldering my heavy bags. I wanted to go home.

A girl appeared on my right and waited for the elevator with me. She noticed the button didn't light up and went closer to hit it.

"The button's broken," I quipped absent-mindedly. "You either go to the fifth floor and wait for it there, or you pray someone's dropping off at this sixth floor."

She stopped and nodded at me silently. I was obviously doing the latter. I noticed her eying me up and down but I merely stared at the moving numbers blankly.

"Are you a medical officer here.. or are you a specialist?"

That made me turn. Whatever made her think the latter? She was talking to me with confidence laced with cockiness of a seasoned medical officer, but she didn't know who I was and I've never seen her around. She must be new.

"I'm Atiqah, a medical officer with Surgery," I turned my head towards the direction of my ward. "And you are?"

"Ulfa. I'm a first year Paeds trainee."

"I see. Welcome to Likas."

"Thanks."

The numbers stopped at Five and it went down. I sighed. "Looks like we gotta go down."

In which Bebeh went back to Tawau and Atiqah needed IV in the evening.

Today deserves a post for itself.

Junainah arrived from Tawau and we discharged Bebeh.

I'm gonna miss threatening her to behave by shouting out Chung's name. "Chuuuung tengok Putri ni." Chung is in UKM now but his name still gets her froze up it's funny.

I hope she grows up strong. She's a strong kid.

In the evening I got so sick. I was trying to fast but my head was splitting and I almost threw up in the middle of round. I was squatting in front of the elevator near PSICU and the staff nurse saw me and rubbed my back soothingly asking if I'm okay. I told her I'm not and I need to go back to my ward for drip. I was swaying with my steps and was trembling by the time I showed up in front of my nurses begging for help.

Verron inserted the pink line for me, I gave her my left hand while cradling my head and didn't even flinch because the headache was more painful. Jojie hooked me up to the drip, made the bed for me and got me water and PCM. I slept in the treatment room and Sister Yosima tucked me in. She must have felt sorry for me. I felt pathetic but whatever, I still have to drive back after that and tomorrow's a long day. I thanked all of them repeatedly before sleep claimed me.

I woke up after two hours, the drip finished and they had clamped it while I was out. I sat up, deemed myself fit enough and cleaned up after myself. Threw everything properly. My steps were steadier and I went to thank them again before I went to pray and heat up the porridge I packed for my oncall yesterday. (I figured I'll be sick at some point and bought McD's porridge on Saturday lol imagine the foresight).

Tomorrow I have OT and then presenting POMR at JKN. I don't think I should fast tomorrow. This URTI is seriously screwing with me. Let's get a pneumococcal shot after all this is cleared.

It's June and this is my second URTI of 2019

On Friday I woke up coughing and sniffling. Not good. I had a flight to catch the next day. URTI on a flight means I will be in for a terrible time. I took Clarinase and PCM that day.

Woke up on Saturday with progressively worsening symptoms. Took my meds, caught my flight. Take off wasn't so bad but landing was hell. My left ear was hurting so bad I barely survived by sipping on a box of juice while jamming my finger as tight as I could into my ear hole.

Went back to my place. As expected the symptoms almost doubled. Coughing, sore throat, sneezing, couldn't breathe from all the snot, headache, ear pain, couldn't hear well from the left side, feeling feverish. My last meal was at 1pm and it was past 10pm already and I was hungry. I wanted porridge or soup or whatever I wouldn't need to chew.

I was then crashed on my bed and thoughts went to a recently read story where Ji was nursing a sick Ri, where Ri went into baby mode. I want that too. I want someone else here. I want to be babied. At the very least, I just want a small bowl of porridge in front of me.

That's enough, I said. Let's not be more pathetic, I said. I got up and took another dose of PCM and Clarinase. Took out my phone and opened the app to order McDelivery for porridge. Saw that they closed delivery by 10pm. It was then 10.30pm.

I threw my phone away and tried to sleep. I couldn't, how can I when I couldn't breathe. I was miserable. Thoughts went to that story again. And then to a memory of years back in Egypt when I walked pass this written on a wall somewhere in Mahattah Abou Rish.

Things happen because you made it happen.

So I went into writer mode. I couldn't make you happen, I couldn't make Haru materialize, but I could at least write whatever I want to happen.

Woke up groggy on Sunday and thanked my past self who redid the oncall roster and instead of initially being oncall that day, I only start my oncall on Tuesday. Thanked God for such foresight and slept all day. Woke up late in the evening and drove to McD for my much needed porridge.

Woke up on Monday feeling better. At least the ear pain has gone and I wasn't so light-headed. Went to work after a cup of coffee and my two best friends Clarinase and PCM. Put on a mask and tried to catch up.

Survived my Tuesday oncall on meds BD. Had only two hours of sleep that night I was so tired by Wednesday morning and I wasn't thinking straight. My surgeons forgave me.

And it went for the whole five days of the weekday. Woke up, coffee, meds, mask. Another meds in the evening. The ward's floor stock of PCM was depleted by me.

By Friday I had enough. I still had the intermittently felt feverish and light-headedness. I coughed so bad in the car I coughed out yellow sputum. My snot was not getting better, in fact it was yellow. Since when was it yellow? I didn't know. I haven't been thinking much about it.

I realized then I needed antibiotic. I hated it because I'm not compliant. It's going to upset my stomach and I didn't exactly have a regular meal schedule. But it's been seven days and I couldn't go on with no lights at the end of the tunnel.

So I took Co-amoxiclav in the afternoon. I had them in my bag since I don't remember when. Thanked God for the foresight my past self had to stock on antibiotics.

That evening I had a meeting which I attended with half lidded eyes. The hospital director scrutinized me wearing a mask but I was sure he heard me coughing and sniffling. I wasn't feeling bright though.

But what do you know, the snot improved. I didn't have to go blow my nose every half hour or so. I punched out and went to buy groceries. I felt like I could make dinner for once instead of eating out.

And then it hit me. I should have taken antibiotics on Saturday. God I should have taken antibiotics on Saturday itself, after I touched down. If I was someone else watching over myself, I could have made a sound and objective judgement and prescribed antibiotic to myself earlier.

But I wasn't someone else.

Just now my parents called me. Mom heard my voice and acknowledged that I really was sick. They told me to tell them if the antibiotic wasn't doing its job "because it's not the original Augmentin". Mom said she'll send some to me.

So far away. Like Sabah doesn't have Augmentin in the pharmacy.

They told me to take care of myself. Of course, who else will. Who else.

Today's Song Stuck In My Head is Taeyang's Eyes Nose Lips

We had an intimate open house today and I invited few selected friends I actually want their company. Namely Fadzlin and Bun (the couple had an open house too and they couldn't come but I met them at their place), Hariz, Amyny and Faezee, Hamizah, and Hannan.

It was a fun day. I met them, I was happy. I want to always remember this feeling.

Told Fadzlin of my worries in full length in the limited time we had. I think maybe I need to grovel at Mr. Tar's feet but do I have the time?

Bun interjected here and there, with Fadzlin around I barely need Bun now haha.

With Hariz was a more relaxed conversation. What did we talk about? I couldn't talk as much with him as I wanted because Hadi's chatty friend was sitting beside him. But I felt relaxed.

Amyny and Faezee. Then Hamizah came with Hannan.

Hannan, this guy. Seeing him after almost two years had me hyped. I was really excited when I see him. I never hide my infatuation for him and he never flinch away when I flirted a bit too forwardly so it has always been easy to keep on bantering with him.

I always complain to him that I'm not seeing him much but then I'm the one who forgets to make plans with him whenever I'm in town. I only invited him at 2pm hahaha stupid me and he already had a list of places to go so he couldn't promise. I asked him to "make me a priority" and he indulged me since I haven't met him in a while.

Yeah it's true, I'm the one who likes him more haha.

"Kalau aku tak sempat datang, kau sedih tak?"
"Agak la. Walaupun aku kata agak tapi dalam hati ibarat lurah."

My flight is tomorrow Hannan. If I don't see you today I don't know when I'll see sunshine again. Though he was actually on his way when he called to say that. He's a tease.

We bickered why Surgery nowadays requesting for USG abdomen to treat appendicitis. Our friends let us argue and I was like "tukar tempat!" so that I can sit next to him arguing but the argument dissolved quickly since I explained well why we need USG. Our friends were saying "gaduh la lagi" and Hannan was like "dah setel dah" but of course I have to go and be like "tapi aku nak gaduh lagi" since I was hyped thinking yeay our first fight! Haha I'm such a whore. God knows I haven't bickered with anyone in a long while, I miss doing this.

When we parted I was genuinely sad. He asked me to shed a tear. I told him to stop making me cry. He told me to stop being so dramatic.

Ahh but it's Hannan. I let myself be dramatic with him. He knows I love him. Neither of us know what kind of love that is. I'm really just enjoying Hannan and the freedom he indulges me with.

Bantering is one thing I haven't done since quite some time

I've been doing a lot of reading. You know what I mean, the wrong kind of bookworm. I didn't know which devil pointed it to me when I was a wee teen staying up late for it and it goes on into my adulthood, and now. I still read.

So those readings had me thinking. I've never been in a formal relationship before and it never bothers me. I've always been contend with being on my own, so why am I making a fuss about it now? Why am I now not happy with what I don't have?

Biological clock? The devil again?

I kept thinking about the misses. So I push people away, yeah. To see if they'll stay. To see if they really want me like they said they want. To see what they'll do, what effort will I see.

But they didn't. So I didn't do anything, because they came to me first.

Am I not giving chances? I said no or said nothing at all, they'll either back out or insist a little but never enough to nudge me, and they back out. So it's never me not giving people chances.

What about people that I pursue myself, ones I was interested in?

1- He turned out to be a douchebag. I even cried angrily because of his douchebagness my roommate freaked out because I never cry. I got over it immediately after that. We were both immature in our own ways.

Duration: not more than half a year

2- By the time I realized I like him I was too late, he moved away and moved on. I liked him because he makes me behave but I think I was too wild for him.

Duration: on off for two years. It was a clean cut.

3- It was a fling. He's a good friend.

Duration: fling dragged on quite a bit, but no more than a year though.

4- I know why I liked him. I know he's trouble but I know why I see him as a fresh air. But then I lost interest and I just stopped pursuing. And then I had to deal with my career limbo and had no care for anything outside myself. But I know why I liked him.

Duration: four months of my version of courting

Everything was short lived. I know I have commitment issue. Even at work, eh? How happy I was with four monthly housemanship rotation but look at me now as a medical officer, fidgeting to get away after a year in the department. Of course, multifactorial. But you have to admit this is a trend, an unhealthy one.

Thinking this through I realized I should give the next one a chance. Because I just want to see what kind of person I am when in a relationship. I want to see what I'll become.

But to pursue again? I only do that when someone catches my fancy. I hope it'll be sooner.

My choice of curse word is "bastard" because it's also my term of endearment

[13/07/2016, 22:04]

Btw nak meluahkan perasaan boleh ke
I have this colleague
One of my fave for im not sure why
We call him pofin

Can2 go on

Dia satu intake and we've been working in same posting since surgery
So he's one of the kamcingest la
Kamcing tahap we diss each other
Reliable colleague
Lately he's dissing me more openly
Hahaha
About (insert crush name here)
Coz he's friends with (insert crush name here)
Bastard has been on off mentioning (insert crush name here)
Bukan benda baru
Dia ungkit benda lama

Hahah ke sbb (insert crush name here) tu
Asyik sebut about u as well to him

He was d one yg told me (insert crush name here) liked me
They're not in recent contact
Pofin ni citer benda lama

Haahhahaha apa lg
Ustaz don berkata
Jikalau itu jodoh
Dua dua hati akan suka
HAHAHAHAH #tetiba

Masalahnya i hate this kind of thing

Then just tell it straight to him la
He should understand it considering u r close with each other
Kamcingest buddies and all that

I told him off today
After daily death threats
Harini dalam round
U know what he said to poknik
Tetiba je
"Dr.nik nak tahu scandal atiqah?"
Poknik pun beria nak tahu

Wow
Maybe because u r the joking around type
Dia inggt u r still joking around

But i pressed my pen into his back so dia xberani nak cakap banyak hahah
Insensitive jerk hahaha
Later after round
I told him to sit down beside me
And told him
"aku x tahu kau main2 ke, tapi jangan sebut dah pasal (insert crush name here). ape perasaan kau kalau kau x dapat benda yg kau nak."
"Kau nak (insert crush name here) tapi x dapat ke"
Stupid me i salah phrase ayat
🙄
Hahaha

ahahahaahahaha
Weh lawak
Why u said liddattt

So i stressed back
He replied. "Rasa geram"
"Okay bagus la kau rasa geram. Ape perasaan kau kalau aku asyik tenyeh kau pasal benda yang kau nak tapi x dapat"
"aku akan buktikan dekat kau dengan dapat ape aku nak"
I lost
Bastard
How should i handle this guy
Poknik suggested i tolak him off our fourth floor ward
Less energy used, he said
But he's a reliable colleague
Pofin buat saya teringat (insert crush name here). Which is bad
I need to burn something

Haha for me
Just ignore him

Possible I've become stupid
Okay I'll do that esok

Distance

We had a long overdue closed meeting among the surgeons and service MOs yesterday. Their comment to me was that I'm the senior most so they're expecting me to lead. To liase between the surgeon and the junior member.

There was something boss said that I didn't understand. But yesterday I was nursing a headache from not eating properly past few days and I didn't want to say anything to prolong my suffering.

They also mentioned that I was good and reliable but I always do things alone and think I'm right. I could use a second opinion because there may be or always be a better way of doing things.

They're right. I know exactly why I do things alone and I don't think I'll change that, not so abruptly at least.

I take things professionally. They're not important to me personally. I've grown distancing personal from professionalism.

Boss mentioned for us to participate in the Saturday OT. Jokingly said "Kalau tak pergi Kota Belud la. Tapi takkan pergi Kota Belud setiap minggu kan?"

I sniggered. I sort of need to get away every other week or I'll go nuts. I need to have something other than think about work, because right now that's all that bug me.

"It's okay if people are interested in you" is what bro said but I'm picky

Sometimes I'm loose, especially when I'm in a good mood. My mates take me for a playgirl when I was a houseman.

I'd give no care to the niceties that flows from my mouth. I'm just having fun and safely so only flirt with someone who's also a flirt. I mean what I say but take me at face value, don't dig deep, I'm just messing around. If the other party get serious I'd back off, I'm not here for the long haul. Or if innuendos start to be thrown in, that's a definite turn off. I'm well versed in innuendos but I keep my flirting clean.

One time the trouble trio were having dinner at this restaurant. We've been rotating restaurants for the past three days and this by far served the best char kuey teow in Kingfisher.

We were joking around, stuffed full, had a good time. And the waiter was eying me the whole time, making conversation and directing them to me most of the time. I appreciated his bravery but not so much the attention. Visually he wasn't my type and I'm very superficial when it comes to fun flirt. I don't start what I couldn't see myself ending up with. So I only responded to him minimally and politely.

At the end of dinner Ara went to pay and Nisa and I waited at the table, I was sipping on what was left of my iced drink.

"You're cute." The waiter grinned.

"Thanks. You too."

It was my default response. I'm polite, I always thank people and return their compliment. What I didn't expect was the waiter to turn sheepish and for the life of me, he ducked his face shyly. Oh shit.

"Awhh. No one ever said that to me.."

Shit what have I done. I retained my grin. It probably turned into a smirk at that point. How do I get myself out of this? I still want to come to this restaurant, they have the best char kuey teow in Kingfisher.

"May I know your name?"

I smirked and shook my head. I only said "you too" and see what I got myself into. Nisa was grinning at me. Thanks a lot.

"I'll call you Nurul. May I get your phone number? Just friendly messaging."

I looked at him, still grinning exasperatedly at my predicament. I kept on playing with the straw of my drink not quite believing what was happening. He took a piece of paper and wrote down his number. He handed it to me with a smile.

For a second there, I stared at the paper with my hands supporting my chin lazily, pondering what to do. He was very brave. I could never do that. The least I could do was not to humiliate him in front of my company. I looked up at him, shook my head laughingly and prayed I didn't get his hope up. I took the paper and folded it into four, keeping it in the palm of my hand.

"Message me yeah?"

I chuckled in response. Ara returned from paying and we took our leave. Nisa was still laughing at me all the way to the car, relaying what happened to an amused Ara. I cocked an eyebrow and flashed her the paper. "You want this?" She shook her head and didn't stop laughing.

I got back to my room and chucked the paper in the dustbin. That's enough for tonight. I wonder if I can ever have fun without leading people on.

That was three months ago. I didn't step foot in that restaurant ever since.

Luqman passes his first year exam!

"So how's Kota Bharu?"

"Zafran is annoying me and Vicky is smothering me."

"Sounds like you're having fun."

I paused to answer. I thought of saying I missed his presence and he would have been the comfort to prevent me from feeling strong urge to kick those two. But then I remembered he bullies me too when the three of them are together.

I don't remember what I said after that. Partly because there was a lurch in my stomach when he told me the stress he went through from exam on Saturday till getting his result on Monday. The more I listen, the more I felt bad and I just didn't know what to say because at that point I realized how selfish I was.

You see, Monday PM was the same setting as my previous post. The one where I was distracted by overthinking over a gross problem and I turned to him for advice.

I wasn't paying attention much when I texted him in between lectures and I didn't reply him when he mentioned he was getting his result in a while. I effing didn't read into that because I know he already passed his exam and I had that distracting problem. Zafran said Luqman passed his exam already which I'm sure he heard that from Mr. Tarmizi.

He was relaying to me how at that time he was sitting alone on the fourth floor gutting himself over an hour, building the courage to go take his result at the third floor before he just "fuck it let's get this done and over with."

And I missed that. I missed the mark to offer comfort. He was dealing with his wreck and then there was me this wreck of a kid but he still helped me out. He comforted me but I didn't, no vice versa. I felt so bad. Why am I like this? How much more selfish can I get?

Then I remembered how he once asked me why wasn't I attending Masterclass and I only gave a vague answer of "got other plans" before I went back into my pretend-study cave. I felt like I had been standoffish and rude. Granted, yeah I ignored everyone else and only texted the family, Kak Elli and Luqman during that period. But I shouldn't have replied so crudely.

I cradled my head a lot through that phonecall. What have I done? I'm not worthy of his kindness. Yet he still called me today, I must have done something right for him somewhere in my lifetime.

So I listened until he was done. At that point I was already wishing he's a girl and I was close by so I could give him a hug. I know what it's like going through things alone. I told him that I've always believe he's the kind to survive anywhere. He thanked me for the confidence but asked if I really mean it or was it just comforting words.

What ran through my head was what I know of him when he was in Kelantan. So I told him I mean it. I just know it.

Oh and he asked about me. Skills, logbook, presentations. Screw me. I told him about Boss 'kicking' me out in September and how some are suggesting I do my GS rotation in HRPZ which I didn't even think of the possibility, instead of my first option in HDOK ("I need to get out from Likas, need a fresh air.") He suggested HDOK for the abundance of opportunity to sharpen my skills. I agree.

At the end of the 27 minutes call he thanked me for hearing him out. I cringed. Why are you thanking me when I don't deserve this honour? But I just replied "Anytime."

My three brothers at ECPSU 19

You see, I have three brothers among my Paed Surgical brotherhood. They're all different but they are complementary and the three of them together made me stuck around.

Zafran is the strict brother who criticizes me at every move. My tone, my Facebook posts, my whatever, everything. He doesn't get me personally, he just dishes comment generally. He sees as the average people see so I have to step back a lot after each hit so that I don't ignore him for good.

He keeps me behaved to the standard of our Malay community, and I need that. I need to be kept grounded. We should agree by now my thoughts don't conform to the norm of our Malay community but I can't go off and live my life like I have no faith in God.

He does so jokingly but I take his words seriously and this is why I blew fuses with Zafran easily. I actually care what he thinks of me. Why? Because he taught me a lot in the past and I wasn't joking when I said (most of) everything I know I learned them from him. He did a lot of kind things for me in his harsh crude ways, so in a way I'm indebted to him. I'll always hold him in high regards.

Vicky is the brother who fusses over me. He's the kind to offer to kick bastards for me. He's very observant and he's among the people who have known me the longest, so he picks up my mood immediately. He's what we call "someone who hears your silence" and he calls me out on my bullshit.

But the thing is, at times it's overbearing. When I don't feel like talking about it, I'd rather not see him because he'll want to talk about it.

Luqman is my favourite. He's the calm, silently listening type. Always lending an ear whenever I seek them. I can say what I really needed to say and he'll listen. Majority of time what I needed was a sounding board and he obliges. He dishes out advices when I need them. He doesn't always agree with me but I'm his "ally" so he'll always have my back, I know this after the feud I had with Hidayah Anaes. And when I stray off from being too hyper he'll always somehow drag me back to normalcy.

We have few background similarity in which he understood my "father is a well-known consultant" complex. One time Kak Raihan said he asked about me to her in ward and referred to me as "Ika" and I'm like, only family gets to call me that. So deal is sealed. He is family to me, no question about it. He can ask anything from me and I'll say yes. And the most important preferential treatment is that I will always pick up his call.

I'm really grateful to have him in my life, that's why I only approach him sparingly. I can't take his time, I can't abuse his generosity. When I've been too quiet he'll check up on me and what not. But only when I'm really really down to no one else to talk this through with that I seek him out.

Like today, when I saw someone I didn't ever want to see attending the same conference.

I was standing at the doorway talking to Zafran when he walked in and caught me off guard. We greeted each other, me more vocal in my surprise and asked what was he doing here.

Like really, what are you doing here? This is my hometown, my home team. You're tainting my comfort zone.

I was overthinking how should I behave around him. Given the premise, I don't want to talk to him at all. But I felt bad because we were friends before and the amiable part of me thinks I should not treat my friends like that. But this? 

This was gross, but I need it gone. I need a sounding board. Why isn't Luqman here? I want Luqman here.

I saw Vicky from afar. I didn't feel like talking to him because he always know something is up with me, so I purposely didn't look his way. I still didn't know what I should do regarding the matter, so I chose to avoid it. I skipped lunch and went for a walk in town.

Fifteen minutes before start of lecture I went back to the hotel for prayers. I saw Vicky sitting with Mr. Ruzaimie and two of our trainees and decided I should behave properly and show respect. So I walked towards them, pouring a glass of juice for myself while still on the phone with Chik Na. I went to them and pulled a seat which Vicky pulled nearer to theirs.

I hung up and Vicky started smacking me repeatedly on my arm.

"Thanks for answering my calls, thanks for replying my messages."

Yeah I've kinda been avoiding talking to him. It's messy.

After it was only the two of us left, Vicky asked me what I know he's been dying to ask.

"How are you? Are you okay? Don't lie to me, you're not okay."

"I'm not going to lie. I'm not okay. I'm coping. I've found my coping mechanism. Which involves me running away every two weeks."

We talked a bit about my depressive episode. He turned my idea of seeking a psychiatrist down and I shot him a contemplating look. Did I say too much? Is it wise to let Vicky know this side of me?

I needed to go pray, so I excused myself. I still need to discuss with someone regarding the matter.

Before the start of the next lecture, I hovered close to Vicky still debating whether I should discuss this with him. He was talking with Aien and I would need to speak to him alone. But is Vicky really who I should discuss this with? I know if Luqman was here I wouldn't have to ask this question.

So I walked away. I went back to my seat and absent-mindedly texted Luqman, still debating how to ask this gross issue. It's grossing me out without me putting it into words, what more when I lay it open to someone.

Outwardly I was cool. I had my Focus Exterior on. I sat at the front most row in the middle of the hall, my notes nice and precise. I was alternating between focusing on the lectures and debating how to ask Luqman. But inwardly I was fidgeting. I groaned. This was so gross. I'm going to my brother with a girly problem. I couldn't get lower than this, can I? But I need to ask this to a guy because a guy will know what a guy wants and how a guy thinks.

But this was so gross.

R u busy?
Nope
Okay
What's up
I want to ask something but idk who to ask. The question might make you vomit. Cause it makes me want to
Proceed

So I spilled. He said it was fine and I wanted to laugh at the unduly kindness he was bestowing me. He calmed me a bit and for once, I really appreciated being told what to do. Which was to keep cool and maintain professionalism.

But ignoring him doesnt solve anything
It's more like im passively ignoring him
I know where he sits so that i wouldn't look that way
Im overthinking kan
Yeah most likely
But u wouldnt see him more after this rite
I hope not. Thanks for hearing me out
Heh no worries. Just keep it cool then
Okay
Dont overthink. Keep a poker face
Okay i will
Feel free to confide. If u dont mind
I'll be at ur mercy

That night we had dinner and I was the only girl among the arrived, so I sat beside Zafran who annoyed me to oblivion I had to tilt my head back staring at the ceiling counting till ten before I turned back to him and snarled an apology. He laughed at my reaction and said he was only joking. I told him I want to throw the plates at him.

I know he was only teasing and likes to tease me because I react but it doesn't make any difference. Maybe I wanted to react, not holding myself back like I've been doing with my Likas colleagues. They've known me since my immature days and they still accept me so I might as well be immature when I'm around them.

Then I saw the matter walking in with my boss and sat at the same table. I took my phone out and immediately texted

I want to curse. I didn't know I'll have to take ur advice so soon
Hey keep it
Okay okay

I was laughing. It was funny coming from a guy who curse verbally with the f word, but I appreciated it. Zafran looked at me weird. He told me to go sit and mingle with the staff nurses so I took his hint and left the table gladly.

Confession time

Writing has always been my outlet, my sense of therapy. What do I get from this? A bit clearer headed I guess. Maybe I want someone to read this and physically drag me to the help I needed. Atiqah has always been a fucking sad softie and I need to figure this out because we can't be seen weak. Why? I'm egoistic that's why.

But the wall is slowly breaking and sad softie is surfacing and I don't know what's going to happen if it does. Probably literally break down in some hallway.

Before this, all I want is to be happy and live proud of myself. It's getting too hard for that, nothing really makes me happy and I'm not at all proud of myself.  The bouts of joy that I felt for the past God knows months were misguided.

So I'm revising. Now all I want is to behave and go to Heaven. Whatever resolve I have now is just to keep myself in line, so that I wouldn't do anything that will disgrace my family or further nil my chance of getting into Heaven. Sinful things because God it's so tempting. I want so bad to hurt myself in so many ways, I want the physical pain to override this emotional pain that softie is feeling. But I can't and won't do that.

Can I even go further south than this? Don't think about it, it's a dangerous territory.

I don't know how much longer I can hold on. How much longer do I wait until I throw the towel and say the word. I need to handle this professionally that's why I'm bidding my time, I can't just walk away. Atiqah walks away but I can't, I won't. For whatever it's worth, we cannot be seen as irresponsible. I always clean up the mess I made.

I'll have to tell Boss I'm going. Where? Who fucking knows. We just need to go. We'll figure out as we go.

But not today or tomorrow, not even the day after. Like Sober sang, I've a lot to do but I don't want to do anything. Fact remains I still have to do them. I'm keeping myself in line, see? Atiqah can break down on Postcall Thursday and take EL on Nothing Friday if need be, just don't mess up Study Monday, Exam Tuesday or Oncall Wednesday and be sober for Oncall Sunday.

No Kak Elli, I don't think it's the exam talking

You know when you listen to a song in a foreign language but you gravitate to it? The vibe, the tempo struck you, somehow the song fits your mood but you have no idea what the song is about. It just feels right.

Then you get curious as the song plays in your head. You Google the lyric meaning and just.. smile in amusement. Look what we have here.

It’s hard for me to be sober
I can’t do anything
I hate being sober
I can’t fall asleep without you
Time is so damn slow,
I’m just growing old, I live like I’m dead
I have so many damn things to do
but I have nothing that I want to do

The world is cold to me
People’s eyes are prickling on me
I seem like an adult
but I’m really a child that’s really tall
My young dreams are just faded fantasies
My mood is like a vast wilderness
People don’t understand me
So I just wanna lose it without even knowing

BIGBANG - Sober

This is why I listen to Japanese or Korean songs, because I have no idea what the meanings are, I just go with what they feels like. Conveying feelings across languages is something comforting, we don't even know each other but we understand each other.

As opposed to people around you, speaking the same language but seem so foreign to you.

---

Today is dad's birthday. I need to cheer up. Fake better front.