Today started happy

I was running almost late to work today but I also stopped for people. 

1) A motherly young lady saw me from afar and called my name. I'm like "this is my senior Cairo, she was in KB doing her Paed master, her husband is a GS trainee named Farid, but what's her name again?" 

I called her "Akak! Buat apa sini?" She was so happy to see me and even took a selfie with me. She gazetted in HTA and is posted permanently there for the time being, with Farid doing his out campus rotation in HKL. She was in PPUM for a conference. 

Belatedly I remember that was Kak Mushamma so I DMed her on Instagram with my phone number so we could be in touch.

2) Chot was walking towards me when he said next month he will be posted somewhere else. 

"Mana?"

"IJN."

"Good luck bro." I gave him a double salute. "Aku pun pindah pergi Alor Setar."

I saw Danial walking towards me as I was saluting Chot but I just turned the other way around, punched in and walked towards my ward. 

3) Few steps after, a tall person with deep voice greeted me on my right. 

"Hi Atiqah."

"Hi Danial, apa khabar?" I didn't have to turn to see who it was. Such a polite chap, I felt bad for earlier on deciding to ignore his presence. 

"Baik."

"Masih di Respi?"

"Ya."

"Bila kau exam?"

"Dah exam dah." 

"Oh." I know they had their clinical exam last week but I don't know who sat for it other than Syafiqah. So Abang Danial is younger than me but a specialist already. 

We stalled in front of the junction because Danial is taking the normal way to the right whereas I'm taking the service shortcut route straight. 

"Bila kau exam?"

"Setahun lagi." I grinned. 

"Oh."

"Bye." I nodded and left. 

I worry about my bros

Zafran didn't pass his exam today. He looked so sad with that fake smile as he walked past all of us towards his bag. I got down from my seat on the counter, rummaged for a piece of chocolate in my bag and grabbed a bottle of water. 

He was in the room with Kuhaen and Wei Sheng patting him on the back. I handed him the chocolate and water bottle. 

"Balik rehat, makan, tidur. Aku oncall esok." I'll cover for his oncall tomorrow. I expect him to EL tomorrow. He smiled at me but God it was so fake I hate it. 

I texted Kak Paan and Vicky the result. I think Kak Paan contacted Pre straight away.

Shafiee walked him out. Kuhaen asked me if I know where he stayed. I don't know exactly but I know people who know. I mirror his worry because his family is in Kelantan and God this is even depressing for me, what more for him? I hope he eats. 

I made a call. Someone asked me who I was calling and I said "An old friend I haven't call in ages. I hope he knows it means urgent."

Mustaq didn't answer. I'm sure that means he's oncall. I know for fact Mustaq stayed over Pre's place a few months ago so he would know where the place is. I left him a text. 

I called Luqman second. He didn't pick up. I felt betrayed, the last time I called him was November 2022. How could he not pick up my call? This bitch. Oncall or not, he knows I don't call people unless it's urgent. 

I called Kak Paan directly. She asked me to check up on Pre still at the carpark (I did but I missed him) and I asked her to ask Mr. Mazwan his rental address.

Mustaq soon responded to my text and yeah he was oncall. He understood the situation and I got the address from him. (I texted the address to Kuhaen as reference.)

A bit funny though the conversation because I was unsure what to address him as. He was my MO so I used to call him Dr. Mustaq. The last conversation was me congratulating him on passing his exam which I addressed him as Mr. Mustaqim. But I felt he is more like a bro than a colleague so today I ended addressing him three times differently; Mr Mus, Mus, and Abe Mus. 

Then I texted our junior teammates telling them Pre didn't make it so could they say kind words to him. And then I recruited Syukri as part of Zafran Mental Well-being Caretakers.

I was still pissed at Luqman (misplaced, I know. I'm just being immature.) so I only texted him a vague "I called about Pre. Hope you'll keep an eye out for him" two hours later, as I was walking to do my laundry. 

He called few minutes after. 

He didn't even know Zafran is sitting for the exam this weekend. I guess Luqman too must not be doing well at work if he couldn't extend his care for his bros. 

He asked me if I'm worried. I told him yeah, because I know his mental liability. Kuhaen is worried too, it was his idea to get his address beforehand. His family is not here, so I guess that makes us the closest help he can get. I told Luqman that Kak Paan and Mustaq are looking out for him but physically Luqman is the closest. 

He said he wasn't that close now, he last saw him just after MAPS which was two weeks ago? I meant closest as in logistically. Kak Paan in KB and Mustaq in Kuching. I feel like I'm part of the brotherhood but I don't have a prostate, it's inappropriate of me to knock on a brother's door. I just wanna know if he's eating and if need be, I can send someone to knock on his door. 

He asked who. I said Syukri. Luqman said he'll give Pre a call tonight. I asked him to text me just so I know he's okay. 

Am I overdoing it? I just.. if I fail my exam I would want people to leave me alone but also not be alone. I know I would skip meals and just let my ulcer bleeds. That's why I want to know that someone is actually having a meal with him. 

I hope Pre doesn't give up. I'm praying Allah make things easy for him and make him stronger. 

Remember this pain and don’t do this to yourself again please

4 years ago I was rejected by the person I confessed to. What followed was a rebound, the worst fuckgirl persona of my life where I took advantage of an emotionally vulnerable person. 

And then 5 months ago Timah tried to matchmake me with a guy, who I then rejected on our supposed third meet because he ghosted and stood me up. 

Two days ago Syukri my junior colleague, this gossiping first year Master, a happily married guy, somehow asked me about my love-or-lack-of-it life and that made me reminisce of my fuckgirl persona when I was a HO, friendly with guys with no romantic intention at all but unfortunately lead on some. It made me remember that person. So I texted him saying I missed "you guys" and I heard he did well in his exam and I hoped he's happy and well. 

What do you know, he actually carried on the conversation and eventually asked me 

"Is there anyone you currently admire?" 

I actually read the message when I woke up at 10pm after sleeping the whole evening once I got back from postcall. The room was dark and I blinked few times to make sure I was really awake. This was way out of the blue. I was more than thrown off guard. What kind of question is this? I confessed to him, didn't I? Asking me this is leading me on. Why did I fall for a fuckboy. 

But I remained calm and replied "No one new. How about you?" 

To which he replied "Nothing new." 

So you're single. What now? I went back to sleep. 

The next day I straight up asked him why "nothing new" when he had passed the exam already, and he said he's stressed with thesis now. 

So let's add to his stress then. I consulted Kak Elli before I texted him what I was about to text and Kak Elli told me to be ready for his reaction. I mean, he rejected me already. What could be worst? Kak Elli said of him not replying or even blocking me. Well if he ghosts me then that means he's dead to me, how easier it is to move on. 

So I texted him "I actually had a different reaction to this. I was 🤨🔪 "what kind of question is this, you know I like you"" 

Lo and behold, he actually did something unimaginable. He carried on the conversation! 

"Errr who knows you dah found someone else yang you have a feeling for 😅 Last time when you were in Sabah you had kan" 

"You mean you?" 

"Tak. Someone else. One of your colleagues dekat Sabah" 

I can't recall. I don't think I'm that kind of fucker who talks about other guys with the guy I like. 

"Hmm cant recall. Must be insignificant, not memorable" 

The only guys I'm friends with in Sabah would be the Lahad Datu boys. I do remember I once told him about the team once, but I lost all messages from pre April 2023 after I switched to this iPhone so I can't confirmed. But why would he even remember that kind of thing? 

"You're probably talking about Fadhly. He's my senior in Lahad Datu. Admirable work ethics and surgical skills, a friend. 100% platonic. I've only ever confessed to one person je." 

There, I said it. 

"It was me kan 😅" 

"Yaaaa 🙃" 

... This piece of shit. I officially renamed him in my contact as This Little Shit. 

After a while I needed to ask. "Are you enjoying urself?" 

"As in?" 

"I was wondering why you're asking all this. I didn't expect the conversation to take this turn." 

"Errr I was just casually asking. Let's just forget about it 🙏🏻" 

What kind of fucker does that, casually ask the person who likes them to relive the fact she confessed to him and was turned down? God this is really the worst, I didn't expect this. This is worst than being rejected, this is straight up disrespecting I'm a human who has feelings. Fucking feelings for this shit. Why did I do this to myself? 

"If you say so." 

Unbelievably he carried on the conversation to personal matters, which I answered. He knows I still like him and he's casually brushing it off. God. This hurts, but why am I doing this to myself? It was almost 2am and I'm oncall in the morning. Why do I even want to be friends with him? I have friends who better respect me. That's enough Atiqah, no more. Remember this pain and don't contact that person again. 

"Sorry I can't just forget about it. I’m not proud that I haven’t moved on and still am just a human with feelings, but I shouldn’t have done this to myself. And I shouldn’t have let the conversation took this turn. It hurts that you’re just casually asking about it though, not that I expected anything else. I’ll move on. Let’s not talk about this again. Have a good day ahead." 

And then I deleted his contact and archieved the text before I went to bed. Woke up begrudgingly and went to work. Intermittently lost focus when Alis was passing over, I blame it on lack of sleep. 

Then the suicidal masochist in me read his reply that came at 10am. 

"I am so sorry I didn’t mean to hurt you in any way, and didn’t think thoroughly before asking you such a silly question. Stupid me. I don’t want it to ruin our friendship." 

Am I such a great friend that this person wants to be friends with me? I barely keep track of people and I only text them at random. I pray for them though, it's part of my Egyptian upbringing. And you Atiqah, you have other friends anyway. What difference does losing this one make? 

"Yeah you shouldn't have asked. Anyone else can ask me that but not you 😅 I know you're a good guy…… though a bit insensitive and tactless in this matter. I guess I'm too. Apology accepted, and I'm sorry too. If you're in front of me I would have smacked your head haha. With that, we’re cool. I wish you happiness." 

" yes please smack me. Only then I would feel like being completely forgiven. Hope it didn’t ruin your day too & wishing you a good, calm oncall."

To live happy, you need healthy food and healthy relationship

One time I was doing rounds in PICU and the respectable Paeds MO called me over with a wave. By respectable I mean Danial who is smart and kind. He's the only known unmarried man around and he's cute so he's a sight for sore eyes, or my eyes any day.

He is Syukri's friend and Syukri tends to tease him every single time we go to do rounds in PICU. So I came to know that Danial is single, refusing all matchmaking, apparently heartbroken after three breakups (first was almost married but he got cold feet, second left him because he was always too busy with work, and third married someone else while he was being indecisive). I know all this from Syukri and so I told Syukri "I don't want you as a friend or my life will never be aman."

Syukri said he is emotionally unavailable and said he wouldn't suggest him to me because "nanti kau akan disakiti."

"It's a competition between who hurts whom first," was my response. 

Anyway back to Danial waving at me. He was asking about this patient to STO for a delayed closure for a sternotomy. We had a discussion while standing around the patient, with me looking into his eyes and then realising I have a crush on this guy. I felt my cheeks burning from this misplaced blush and stupid grin so I turned my face away. And denied all this to myself with a mantra

"Damn this tall guy… My neck is hyperextending like I'm birdwatching. I'm not turning away because I'm shy, I'm turning away because of neck pain."

Pravin came and the discussion moved on to that of another case, with me looking at his face as he explained and I realised 

"Darn this guy is even taller…"

So I turned to Bhindia who was about my height. 

Cause there’s this tune I found that reminds me of you somehow

I went to PICU because my surgeon got an outside referral for a perforated viscus in a 42 hours of life baby. It was almost 5.30pm and the MOs were gathered at the counter. I went up to them and put my hand on a girl's shoulder, who I just met an hour ago and knew her name to be Huda. 

"Guys." I started. "Ada bed tak?"

"Takdeee." They all gushed in unison. "Kitorang baru je cakap pasal ni."

"We have a perf bowel in a 42 hours of life baby. Sape oncall harini?"

"Dr. Faiz. Cuba call, tapi memang takde bed la." Danial said. 

"May I have his number please?"

"Bolehh." He who was initially standing two persons away from was the one who came to my side and passed me the number. The thing about this guy is that he has a deep voice that sounded kind. The kind of voice that made me blush. Why wasn't Huda the one who gave me that number? 

I need to date someone now. I can't go around giddy about a colleague. 

Tattoo over my right 4th bifid rib

I had a weird dream last night. I went to a tattoo parlour and got a nice intricate tattoo over my back with plant veins coming down both arms. 

As soon as I left the parlour I regretted it because tattoo is illegal in Islam so I have to get it removed. I went home and asked a guy to help scrub it off my back. It somewhat worked. 

I woke up and mulled over it. I know I would actually get a tattoo if it wasn't illegal in Islam and I would adhere to it. And who was that guy anyway. Also my chest hurts every time I cough, exactly below my left breast and it's also tender. I think I cracked a rib or two from this chronic cough. 

I snoozed all my alarms and only realised it was 7.34am haha I was 10 minutes late to work today. 

Thank you for helping me help patients

Got a phonecall from PICU MO asking me about the anti-emetic we started for our post op patient. I told him it's part of our Enhanced Recovery After Surgery strategy where we give anti-emetic before the patient starts vomiting, some more she had extensive bowel manipulation and is on Morphine. 

What a long statement for a midnight phonecall, but apparently I am hyper from not eating properly and this person has a nice voice. What did he say his name was? Afiq? But it sounded like Danial's voice, somemore Danial is doing PICU rotation now. 

"Tanya banyak sebab tak pernah pun bagi untuk post op sebelum ni. Lagipun ubat ni bolus jadi kami kena serve sendiri." 

"Oh yeke saya minta maaf sebab menambah kerja." I said while bowing to this imaginary person in front of me. But my tone was anything but sorry. I think I am becoming an insincere person nowadays, I apologise easily but I don't really mean it. I just want to placate people into doing what I want to be done. 

"Eh tak la, okay je." He was quick to respond.  

"Terima kasih Danial." Ya I should have thanked him for serving medications for the patient instead of apologising. We work for the patients anyway. Thank you for helping me help this patient.

I take that as a compliment

On Thursday I did a desloughing and dressing for a really sad wound before I even inform the consultant because I don't trust him as I know he gave up on the wound already. After I was done, I reported to him how the wound was and what I did to it. 

He gave me an earful and told me I should have done this and that, which I did and more. "This patient's management is failing in my hands and I can't take it anymore." He then told me he was going to see the wound himself on Saturday, explain to the mother about it, and discharge the patient whatever may that same day. 

 I nodded and said okay but inside I was fuming. I know you're sad and I'm sad too but we still treat our patients. Who's going to take care of the wound if you discharge the patient? It will definitely get worse than it already is. You want this kid to get Fournier's gangrene or something?  

I documented his plan anyway. The most senior staff nurse read what I wrote and raised her concern. I shared her concern and told her if she talks to the consultant he would probably listen to her, all I get for trying my best for the patient is being deemed challenging his experience.

Today we did rounds with Prof A. Afterwards I told him about the patient's wound and my concern if he is discharged over the weekend. How is he going to get wound care over a weekend if he is discharged. 

Prof A: Does the wound still look like a dog's breakfast? 

Me: A dog's breakfast looks better. Here this is what the wound looks like on Monday, I forgot to take yesterday's. 

Prof A cursed his long list of profanities. He agreed that the patient should not be discharged home until the wound is healed and assured me that he will talk with the consultant. 

An hour later he texted me, informing that he had the talk and the consultant assured him that the patient will not be discharged home until his wound is healed. I thanked him and said now I can sleep well at night. 

Later today Prof A commented to Prof S about me. "No one should commit crime in front of Atiqah, she's the first one to snitch."

Inhaler second round

I survived the whole pandemic without being positive COVID. And on 25/11/2023 I tested positive after almost a week of symptoms. 

God the post COVID cough was so bad I am wheezing every night. And like every Certified Idiot I don't get myself checked. I was advised to take prednisone short course which I did for three days and it didn't work. 

Mom teleconsulted my ID specialist who treated me for cold induced bronchospasm back when I was a medical student and was non compliant to turbohaler. I can still remember my Respi lecture stating young people die from AEBA from underestimating their symptoms. 

Dr. Norita advised me to take Montelukast and Ventolin. Hahaha. Of course I know I needed inhaler. My nighttime and cold-triggered coughing was terrible, my chest was tight and I was rapidly breathing. I'm just.. A Certified Idiot. 

PGU will be embarrassing, but living like shit is embarrassing too

I'm not okay. I'm so down I'm doing nothing and this is the fifth week. I need help but I don't want to impose on anyone. I can't voice this out, I can't text anyone, I can't even say this on X. But it has to be known or I'll die, I'm withering away. 

I need someone to tell me exactly what to do. I need someone to actually come and drag me out, someone who says "Atiqah let's meet at the scope room tomorrow at 8am." 

I need someone who will eat with me because I'm not eating. I eat a proper meal only once every other day now, and it's not even finished. I buy food so that I have food to eat, but I end up with leftovers and God I hate leftovers.

My stomach hurts since three weeks and I don't know if that's the cause or the effect. And last weekend it was a dyschezia with fresh PR bleed and I think it was just a fissure. It cleared after two days because I forced myself to drink more water, and only then I noticed it was a melena. 

I think if I OGDS myself there's an F3 or F2B ulcer somewhere at least.

Today I did variceal banding and withdrew colonoscopy

It was 3pm. Second colonoscopy for the evening. Pali came in the scope room and the first thing he announced to the whole world while testing the scope was "Aku tak mandi lagi!" 

What the hell this idiot. "Kau jonah sangat kenapa." 

"Aku oncall dengan Ms Doon."

I laughed. "So semua benda kau kena buat sendiri la kan." 

"Aku call dia 2am. Patient UGIB sampai transfuse 7 pint. "Fadhly you buat la, I nak tidur"."

I laughed harder. He let me withdrew for that colonoscopy and he sat down chatting not even looking at what I was doing. And then he disappeared. There was a polyp needing polypectomy. I want to do it, I think I could, but better let them do it. Mana abang. 

"Kak panggil abang tu jap," I asked the SN.  

Naveen came instead. He did the polypectomy (as easy as I thought it would be) and let me finish up. 

Turned out Pali was in the other room doing the other colonoscopy that he took over from struggling Naveen. He finished the polypectomy for that patient while still complaining of his unshowered state ("Kalau kau tak bagitahu, takde sape tahu kau tak mandi." This is the colonoscopy room, you'll never be the stinkiest.) and then asked me to take a picture.

"Amik gambar apa? Kau?" 

"Gambar aku nak buat apa. Gambar post polypec tu. System down." 

"Ambil la gambar Dr. Fadhly mengantuk tu." SN said. 

I obliged for both. Apparently the system was misbehaving and Naveen had been taking the pictures so far using his own so I took over from Naveen. 

Post procedure, I finished cropping ("Lemah la iPhone, tengok phone aku terus crop sendiri." "Ye aku setuju.") and sending the pictures to his WhatsApp (the scope findings and his postcall side profile) while he sat in front of the computer meddling with his messages. I was already back from sending the patient's file to the recovery and he was still not typing. 

I expected so. Last time I made him do it while I sat next to him, but today I was feeling sorry for this tired old fart. Petang ni kena buat preop for OT esok pula. 

"Mari la aku type report." 

Pali made way for me. I typed the report while discussing the findings with the him and even layan him borak. ("Tiga bulan kau di scope, kalau aku mengular lama dah." "Aku tak pandai scope, takleh mengular.")

"Report tunggu gambar upload. HPE dah buat. Takde apa dah kan? Pergi la tidur." 

He asked me to help discharge the patient as well and instructed me how to. I said I would.  

"Aku pergi eh?" 

"Bye." 

He then left. The patient was gone by the time I went to recovery, Naveen discharged her already. I then sent the picture of sleepy unshowered postcall Pali to Miss Doon haha. 

I think doctors are masochists

Pali started doing the OGDS when I came back from observing a colonoscopy in the other room. I wore my gown and gloves and just silently stood beside him. He finished the retroflex and suddenly handed me the scope with a "CLO test lepas tu withdraw." Then he unscrubbed. 

He's like that since he first told me to get an ABG for an acutely ill patient he was staring intently at from the counter on my first week in Lahad Datu. That time I laughed thinking he's treating me like a HO, and I was obedient because I respect him. 

I took over the scope happily. It made me wonder, why did I like to be told what to do by Pali? I felt respected despite being ordered around. Was it his tone, or because I was used to him? Or was it me being out of control of myself that I want someone else steering for a while. 

I took the biopsy for CLO test. think it's the latter. I am not assertive enough, I was brought up in a clinical setting where I don't ask for things for myself because my old boss dislike people asking for permission to do procedures, she would permit them herself when she felt they were ready. 

I thought he was busy, but that bastard (affectionate. You know this right? I like a lot of bastards.) wasn't even needed somewhere else. He was still around doing something idk what but I did the report while he was nosying with the CLO test result. Had I been a lesser person I would have thought he had a kick for ordering people around. 

Cik Fatin helping me

I self-referred myself for therapy by the end of July, because I was skipping work to lay under the cover. I did nothing worthy of my doctor title. I labelled it as burnout. 

My first session was 18.8.23. I picked the last session 4pm because I didn't want to spend more than an hour. I was sceptical of her, I was quiet, replying word by word. My DASS score was terrible,

Very severe stage of depression - 36

Very severe level of anxiety - 26

Severe stress level - 30

For reference, my previous DASS score taken on:

19.3.19

Severe stage of depression

Severe level of anxiety 

Very severe stress level

7.6.21

Very severe stage of depression

Very severe level of anxiety

Severe stress level

She suggested I quit because my mental health was ailing. That made me realise a lot of things, but quitting wasn't the answer. She asked me what do I want to do now, and I answered her I just want to sleep. She made me a referral for Psychiatry but she didn't give me the letter, just online form that I have to print myself. I used no printer as an excuse not to go and instead buried myself under the cover and was still skipping work. 

Second session was on 1.9.23 and it was almost two hour long. I ventured more openly. I cried at the mention of my brother. We listed what my stress points are and what I think might help. By the end of the session I was actually grateful to attend therapy and we decided that I have to start small; the aim was to wake up early and exercise more. 

I didn't really get to do much exercise, but I showed up at work. I don't think I have a perfect 5 days per week attendance, with me giving excuses to come an hour late on a good day, but at least it was something. I sent in my proposal. I had one study session. I went hiking once. It was very slow barely there progress, but at least I was moving. 

Today, 9.10.23. I mentioned that I feel my DASS score perhaps improved, but my issue is with anxiety shutting down my confidence level. We discussed few notable things. 

The mind thinks and manifests into feelings and actions. It's a cycle. 

The ABCDE model of rationale. I need to Dispute my negative Belief. Instead of thinking I'm troubling others, ask them directly am I troubling them. 

Overthinking is a clutter of drawers that needs to be organised. Jot things down and let them go. 

Deep versus over thinking 

- Deep thinking is one with solution, one I have been a good player at all this while. Overthinking is the shitty cause for anxiety. I need to stop it by coming up with logical solutions. 

Logical versus emotional support 

- Just because I was a logical person with immense self-sustained emotional support doesn't mean it wouldn't change. My problem now is that I have exhausted my own emotional support, thus logical support won't help me now. I need to replenish my emotional support.

I wanted to laugh. I didn't realise that I needed to be babied. She said it's not a weakness, it's just us being human. 

I asked if there was any other way of getting emotional support other than depending on others. She said since my tank is zero, I best get it from others. Some get by with positive quotes and such. I think I should try that. I wondered if mentioning Haru as my self-sustained emotional crutch will be helpful, but I did not mention that. 

She discharged me today. I have a lot to work on, but I know how now. 

DASS score taken today 9.10.23

Very severe stage of depression - 30

Severe level of anxiety - 18

Moderate stress level - 22

And I have to finish that book on Depression. 

Wednesdays are happy days because I get to see abang

Today my favourite abang asked me "Kalau kau mengular ada orang cari tak?" 

"Tak." 

"So kenapa kau tak mengular?" He has been like this since Lahad Datu time. Too lackadaisical but he's actually a responsible guy. 

"Aku dah puas mengular di PICU." 

I told him I felt and was too useless in PICU although I was the favourite attachment MO in NICU. Still feel heavily guilty about this. I didn't even tell Prof Gan I left his unit. I can't do anything about it now unless I wanna admit to Prof Gan that I mengular under his nose. Let's just face whatever feedback he gave to my professors. 

I gave Pali a mini Snickers that I have been carrying it around to give to him haha. Abang was postcall and tomorrow another oncall, he was sleepy and a bit dull he forgot things. At least he wasn't quiet with me today like he was on Monday. 

That time I was observing him on an emergency OGDS. I missed the fun time I had in Lahad Datu and seeing him makes me want to gush and take a selfie and stamp on his shoes for old times sake, had he been a girl I would have hugged him and not let go of his arm haha. I didn't want him to think I'm overfriendly so I compensated by being awkwardly quiet. We left without saying goodbye and I was soo sad hahahaha Atiqah is a sentimental idiot. 

For the last case I asked him if I could withdrew. He stopped and asked to sedate the patient. 

We inserted line (I struggled and Pali said he makes me nervous and I said I haven't kick him in a long time and he took over and settle it for me) and served midazolam. 

Then he handed me the scope. I stared at it. 

"Aku kata nak withdraw." 

"La aku ingat kau nak buat. Sebab tu aku sedate."  

"Aku tak pernah intubate lagi hypopharynx." 

The last few cases we did today had him struggling at that part, so I didn't want to do this part with him in case I struggle as well. 

He intubated the hypopharynx easily and then promptly handed me the scope. I scoped till pylorus but had to abandon because the patient's stomach was filled with food. OGDS rescheduled to another day. 

I regretted not taking the scope from him when he first handed it to me. Pali has always let me do anything I want and would cover whatever struggle I might have. I regret I regret! 

Now I'm thinking what chocolate to buy to give him next time.