as arif said, some of the stressors will not be there anymore so we should be good, right?

Tomorrow 15/10/2020 I will start back my stint in HWKKS as a Paed Surgical MO. 

For the past three nights I have been having trouble sleeping, only able to sleep almost at 3am, almost took Piriton to sleep. I thought it was the heat but I've come to realise the insomnia was probably from anxiety. 

I'm anxious because I left there to run away from depression, what makes going back to Likas not equivalent to going back to depression? 

Deep breath, it's okay. Luqman will be there so I'll have an ally but he's also the bastard brother who left me in a pub with 2 drunkards so yeah. 

Anyhow you cannot depend on others to keep you afloat. You need to take deep breath. You need to keep calm and don't react. You need to remember it's okay even if you die. 

Wow diving tips really do wonders. 

Get through the day and we'll have omelette and sotong goreng tepung for dinner, deal? 

i left my heart in tabin, lahad datu

I'm updating my 2017-2019 logbook from my two years in Likas. Yeah I know I was supposed to do this before I even left for Lahad Datu but time passed. 

Anyhow as I went through the logbook, it brought back memories. I remembered the story behind some of these patients. I remembered doing the cases and learning from the surgeons. 

Unfortunately it also triggered a lot of bad feelings. I guess acting tough doesn't make you immune to mental health issues. 

Every day I doubt whether I really want to start back working in Likas but I'm here now. I submitted my HLP application. It doesn't help that my Likas logbook pales in comparison to my Lahad Datu ones.

I miss being in Tabin. 

i eat to fill the void in me

When I grew up and throughout my study, I've always had a single bed. 

At home in Lundang now I have a queen bed in my room but I sleep in Yaya's spare single bed. 

When I first got to Likas, my bed was a super single.

Then I moved to Lahad Datu where I had a single bed. 

Now I'm back in Likas and my bed now is a queen. 

I can't get over how big it is. Kevin and the friends are stashed on one end and me on the other end and there are still plenty space in between. I feel like swapping it for a couch or something but it comes with the room and where should I put it if not where it is now.

Yeah if I go to hotels I'd take a queen bed for me but having one every single night feels.. lonely. It makes me feel small and void and lonely.

I should find a cat. 

what day is today

This morning Luqman called me asking

"are you still alive? "

well "yeah" I picked up the phone didn't I 

And what's the condition of my quarantine

"do you have pink or white bracelet"

"neither"

"why"

"i dont know they didnt give me nor did i ask" 

And whether I can go out 

"dude im on house quarantine" 

"have you still your sanity" 

"well im starting to lose some (what is now, day 3 of quarantine?) but I can still see the sky and a tree from my window so I'm good"

"stay sane"

"yeah you too stay safe"

"stay sanee"

"yah haha okay"

"so I guess I'll see you.. when I see you"

"yeah sure I'll see you soon"

And then I hung up. It was 8.15 in the morning. Shouldn't he be doing rounds? Why is he asking me out.

Then I checked the date and day. It's a Saturday today. Man I'm losing track of days already.

It's good to be checked up on. 

last resus in lahad datu

My last oncall in Lahad Datu was on 16092020.

17092020 on mom's birthday, I was doing my AM round while slouching at the counter. Dija then showed up and told me of her dream last night. 

"Aku marah Miss Doon dalam mimpi. Kau oncall, pagi tu ada patient collapse. Aku terus teriak 'CPR sekarang!' dan cuma kau ja yang tolong. Miss tengok saja tidak tolong. Aku pun panggil dia. 'Miss mari sini saya mahu cakap.'"

I laughed at that incredible dream.

So Miss arrived and we did rounds. First patient this Y guy who has had 4 admissions this year alone for UGIB from NSAID abuse. The day before we did OGDS found a circumferential clot with F2A and 2B ulcers at D1. We transfused last night and today HB still dropping, but hemodynamically stable. We have to wait for PCR to send him over to HQE for distal gastrectomy but anyhow, move on to the next patient... 

Then suddenly he fitted in front of us with the pungent smell of massive fresh melena. 

Everyone automatically went towards the patient. Kamal held his arms to steady him down, Stephy was flattening the bed, Nabil was removing the bed ends, bla bla bla.

I was the only one who turned away from the patient to grab a box of gloves, wore some myself, then pushed the box to the others. Gloves up first guys. 

I went to his head and secured his airway. Then I locked eyes with Dija who was securing another line. 

"Dija kau mimpi apa malam tadi?" 

It was rhetorical. She grinned back at me. Nasib baik collapse pagi ni, kalau collapse semalam penat aku sorang2 hahaha. 

And Miss looked restless and her face screamed fucked. "We have to open him" she was muttering and I thought we're saving him from bleeding but this guy he either makes it or he's going to die from sepsis or leak.

Miss as in Dija's dream wasn't spearheading the resuscitation. She was busy thinking how to do the distal gastrectomy and calling up her superiors and looking up the textbook.

We resuscitated him and sent him for laparotomy. I remembered once his GCS was full and he was cooperative and orientated, I apologised to him for any wrongdoings because he's heading for a major surgery under not the idealest condition and I won't be around anymore. He apologised to me too. 

He had biliary leak and still surviving in ward till today, now post op day 14. 

cactus and commitment

I'm trying to get myself to commit again (again? Were we ever committed?) so I'm practicing on my cactus.

When Arif went for Kinabalu conquer he stopped at the tamu and asked me if I wanted vegetables from Kundasang. I was too lazy to cook so I asked him to get me a cactus and it lived with him for a while because I forgot to pick it up. By the time I took it, it has.. what's the term? Flourished? There were several plantings off it (is that what you call it?). 

This is how it is by the time I got it from Arif. 

It lived well with me and grew taller albeit disproportionate, imagine thick lower segments and thin upper segments. It thrived on my table beside the window and I water it a cap of water every time I could remember, like every 3 days or 4.

And then I moved back to Likas and it was on the floor of the passenger seat. I had the car filled with all my stuff. I had some water bottle placed unsecurely on the seat and when I drove, the bottle rolled and slammed right onto the cactus.

Stupid Atiqah. I can't do anything about this idiot. 

It was crushed. Every day I looked at it and it's smashed. I felt like throwing it into the trash and buy a new one but I can't just throw it and start over. 

First, someone gave it to me. 

Second, it's a cactus. Immobile. What little attention does it need? All you needed to do was to keep it safe and you went and got a bottle smashed right into it. If you can't even keep a cactus alive what about moving pets like a cat? What about career progression? What about a family? What about dreams? 

I got to Kundasang and I debated over getting some more cactus. I should not and just focus on keeping this one alive first. But I went to the tamu anyway to get some losun and there weren't many people around and I felt responsible to help the economy. 

I ended with four new cacti worth RM70 and this time I made sure to place them securely in the car. No water bottles unsecured. 

Today I repotted Cactus Number 1, with the plantings separated I hope it will make it. 

Ah shit. It looks bad. Like an overcooked spinach. I can't even keep it standing. Why Atiqah whyyyyy someone gave it! It should be important for you to value but you went and argh your stupidity is unparalleled! 

If it dies I guess I'm just not cut out for commitment, aye? Can't even keep a cactus alive what more a dream. I'm gonna go celibate and live off some super remote rural clinic. 

to the idiot that i love

Dear Atiqah,

You're an idiot with a high sense of responsibility. That translates to you repeatedly doing stupid things but doing so safely.

I can't do anything about your need to go into forests and jungles (nor do I even understand, I think a therapist is in need) even when you're alone, but going for night walks alone at 10pm?

It's a jungle and it's too dark and you're alone. What makes you think it was a good idea, I don't know. It is not. Please don't ever walk off alone in the jungle at night. This is a jungle. You'll get taken by the unseen and mom will die from heartbreak. Don't do that to her. 

We didn't survive all these years of solo night walk in the city and abroad without that small alarm of danger. It took us what, 2 minutes walking in the dead of night to turn back? Shouldn't have even left the room, you know. 

I'll stop nagging now. 

It's okay to miss a starry night in Sandakan on camera. We missed the best starry night in Tabin but we'll always have it pictured in our brain. Also we'll go to Tabin again.

Let's wake up early for morning walk cm, yeah?

girls night

I planned to ciao out from Lahad Datu today but lucky me I lambat siap logbook and only tomorrow can I show it to Miss Doon. So tonight I'm still here, and had my last dinner in Lahad Datu with the girls. 

With gossip for dessert. As always. 

"Sesuai dah tu, sama2 Kelantan." Laila said. 

"Tak boleh," I shook my head and wanted to say incest. But really. "Lelaki Kelantan ni playboy dia lain macam."

"Setuju!" She high-fived me. 

"Tapi aku lagi playgirl dari dia." As a matter of fact. 

"..." Laila glared at me. "Ya aku nampak."

mencari buaya di kinabatangan

I went to get my hair trimmed. They offered hair wash and although I just washed my hair, why not. I've the money to help this small economy. The scalp massage was good. 

"Kau orang Bugis kah?"

Usually I say I'm a Bugis (am actually half Minang, quarter Bugis, quarter Jawa) from Kota Belud (Kota Bharu, KB, same difference), but

"Tak, aku Melayu dari Semenanjung."

"Ooh. Kau belajar kah di sini?"

Those words put the biggest grin on my face. Lately I've been feeling old, so old and tired. Glad some things didn't change.

---

Our rooms were the farthest away and I'm glad I didn't have to tell them to wait for me to walk to reception. (It was dark and we're in the woods and I'm kinda a tiny bit chicken.) Arif is a gentleman, he does look out for me. My arm was swollen because I got stung by a wasp and Arif texted me to remind me to go get ice from the receptionist. 

I asked them if they have ice. They don't. I asked if their first aid kit has got any hydrocortisone cream or Piriton and the receptionist showed me their first aid kit. 

While I was rummaging the kit she asked me if I work at the hospital, I affirmed. She then asked for suggestions what else to top up their first aid kit. I then made a list. 

Arif came (they were lounging upstairs in the hammock) and rummaged through their prescription. I asked him to counter check my list. He nodded, not adding anything else. Then he pulled out Cetirizine and gave it to me. 

Makan ni. 

What is this. I'm not familiar. 

Antihistamine. Tapi tak mengantuk. 

Oo nice. 

I took two pills. Hehe. 

It was raining heavily and we then played cards to wait it off. But it was almost 10pm and reception is closing. It was still pouring. I don't want to get drenched nanti demam. 

Okay. Sape kalah last game dia kena ambil payung dalam kereta. I said. 

Aku rasa macam aku je yang kalah ni. Arif pulled my car keys towards him. 

It was between Kamal and Arif. I think I won only a few times but I lost only 3 times. Arif banyak menang tapi kalahnya 4 kali. Kamal paling banyak kalah. 

Last game. I won! Haha noob guyssss. Rain was slowing to pattering. I was wearing parka anyway. The guys are still at it. Should I let the loser go get it or should I just go while the rain is minimal? 

I went to my car and got the umbrellas. I returned and saw the guys already cleaned our table and put away the cups. Okay let me pee first then we go. 

Arif yang kalah btw.

And my swollen area seemed bigger. Ah. Tangan manja is what Arif said. Yup I agree. 

30

Two years ago we went high. Last year we went far. So the aim for this year is to go deep, that's why I took up diving early this year. 

But I couldn't go anywhere diving here, and the alternative is 6 ft under which is a bit too morbid for anyone's liking. 

So I met Boss and kena basuh. Deep means to be more matured and more serious, no more superficially living like a plankton. Let's hope. 

Happy birthday. I hope you're always happy. 

just go

Being postcall really brings out the uninhibited thoughts. 

I had a good talk with Hadija after work today. We sat in the MO room while the rest did the PM round. We concluded that I should apply for transfer and also for masters. 

Where to? That wasn't concluded.

I'm thinking of letting go of that Tijani condo. What's the point. Like really, what's the point. I trust my dad but really, what's the point. 

And now, I somewhat detest FB. My timeline is filled with friends selling things. It's a market there. What's the point of FB anyway? To get in touch? Yeah, probably. I'll post and wish people raya and festivities.

I have a strong desire to get away. Start from zero. Stay somewhere close to nature and just live a chill life. 

But is that the best you can do? How will you contribute? Be a community doctor? But you're good at surgery. Doctors without Borders?

I don't know. I just want to go.

What if you get lonely?

I'll have a cup of tea. 

drowning

As I was walking with Stephy yesterday, I didn't realise I breathed out I'm stressed until she asked me why I'm stressed.

What makes you think I'm stressed?

She looked perplexed. "You just told me."

I was silent for a bit. Why indeed.

"I think it's because I'm going back to Likas."

Luqman did ask me if I was really going back to the place I left but what options do I have?

There's always another option you haven't think of.

I want to discuss this with someone. Who? Luqman is a good bet but I have to go see him, this is not a conversation for extended phone calls.

Dad? At the end I've to make the decision myself.

Last night I dreamed we were at some beach and I was swimming happily. The water was calm and at some point I wanted to drown myself, but then I realise it wasn't that deep. 

It was a trip with friends, but I'm not sure who else was there. 

I got out, rinsed myself, got dressed and the plan was to rest a while before continuing on our trip. I took a turn towards my room and there was a pool, looked deserted. I walked on its ledge and then I slipped and fell into the pool. 

It wasn't that deep either. I didn't drown. 

He was there and helped me out. He seems to be the guy who always looked out for me everywhere we go. I took his hand and got out from the pool. 

He was that famous Korean guy from The Heir and Legend of the Blue Sea or something. I woke up and Googled him. His name is Lee Minho.

I wonder why it's him I saw. It wouldn't be such a ridiculous dream if it was someone else. I'm not exactly his fan anyway.

Should I go somewhere new? Should I take someone with me? Or should I go there alone, again?

leaving

Luqman is in Likas Day 3 now and bastard bored he's been giving me a call EOD. He kept asking when I'll be back in Likas.

I said later in October. I'm not rushing to go back anyway. I probably should come visit earlier to keep him company but meh.

He knows I had my depressive episode in Likas and so he asked if I'm really leaving my happiness in Lahad Datu and coming back to Likas where I was depressed once.

I told him I need to leave anyway. I shouldn't stay here any longer than a year. Maybe I should leave here and go somewhere else new.

He asked if I'm going back to HRPZ. 

Nope, I've had my happiness as a HO there. Better leave it happy memories as happy memories. 

But where to? Yeah, where to indeed. 

babies are cute

Today we did dressing for 8 months old Damia with 13% burn over her face and thorax. We discharged her on Monday with silicone dressing and she came back for her WI.

Nabil was playing with her. Staring into her eyes with a fatherly look but the kid bawled instead. I laughed at him. Her father said she didn't really like guys. 

"Camne kau nak kawin ni Damia?" I said. I then told the mom to shower her.

She did so in the toilet sink. She normally bathes in cold water at home so it shouldn't bother her much, but baby was crying anyway. 

"Kau marah kenapa?" I teased her while removing her bandages and tossed water onto her. Then I cleaned her wound with chlorhexidine. It was not painful and I know she was crying because she was upset at being manhandled, not because of the pain. She remained crying all through out the procedure. We quickly get her done and wrapped her in a dressing towel and as soon as her chin was on her mom's shoulder, the baby stopped crying entirely.

"Fake." Was what Nabil said. I laughed out loud at that.

Fake indeed, indeed.