2020

I wish to:

1- drink only water

2- cut off caffeine. I think my tremors is because of those. 

3- take the stairs

4- low carbs diet. Need to lose weight and be fit for Akinabalu this 30th June. 

2018 we went high. Parasailing and paragliding lol. 

2019 we went far. Dannok and now Lahad Datu, haha.

For 2020 I wish we go deep. 

Figuratively, need to stop living so superfluously and get serious a bit. Just a bit. 

This morning when I came to work, my patient flirted with me. I also offhandedly made a tease at one of my ED colleagues. But all that made me tired and felt old. Makes me want to go home and rest. 

I guess I do want stability and a safe haven. Maybe we should find that this year. 

Literally, maybe diving. Get over my fear of deep water. Could also mean being buried 6 feet under haha. 

Need to stop making morbid jokes. 

checking up

The next working day after his outburst, Arif came to work grinning awkwardly how did his friends knew what happened and he asked me what did I tell Fitri.

I asked Fitri to check up on you, to make sure you were okay. And only because Fitri insisted that I told him that you fought with Miss. That was all.

I just needed to know he's okay. He's a kid, who knows he got himself into physical trouble just to rid off his emotional trouble. I've been there. 

Today I was postcall and escorted a patient to Tawau. Got back here almost 9pm. I bought Arif his favourite Spicy Chicken McDeluxe and got myself the same, but I also bought myself chicken, fries and a pie. 

I asked Arif if he thinks he could finish two. 

Why? 

Because I'm too sleepy to eat mine. I still have a chicken and an apple pie. 

He said he could. So I gave him mine. 

We parted at the parking lot. I got into my car and just sat there quietly. Scrolled though my SNS and tried to regain consciousness enough to drive back, fighting the urge to just sleep in the car. I think I did a good half hour of doing nothing in the car before I started the engine and head back. 

In my room. Changed into pyjama. Did my laundry. Sat at my table and had my chicken and pie while watching TROS videos. 

Then Fitri called. 

Tiq. 

Hmm? 

Arif asked me to check up on you. Are you asleep in your car? 

Ah. Did he not just drive off? They know I've that habit of sleeping in my car on postcalls even though my house is not even 10 minutes drive away. I've done that three times already this three months I'm in Lahad Datu. Don't worry, I never sleep with the engine on. 

Nope. 

Really? 

I'm in my room now. 

Okay. Bye. 

Thanks. Bye.

I hung up. There was a swell in my heart thinking I've got some real family here. 

I later texted him that I did froze off in my car almost half an hour, and thanked him for checking up on me. 

I took diving licence with Glen of Pirate Divers

"Berapa lama nak duduk dekat ceruk tu." 

"Setahun kan ma."

"Kena setahun ke."

What kind of question is that, you helped send me off kan. But I didn't say anything. 

"Ika lapar nak gi makan."

"Makan dengan siapa."

"Sorang."

"Tak dating dengan sesiapa ke sana." 

"Tak."

Well Fitri wanted to date me and I'm sure if I ask him to have dinner with me he'll say yes if he's not working. But I'm hesitant. We work together, I don't want to cause any trouble here. That, and I fancy Hannan. 

"Kenapa tak? Kawan-kawan dekat sana?" 

"Ika memilih!"

"Memilih apanya!" 

I think mom is beyond worried. I'm far, alone, almost 30. Haha. I don't worry about myself. 

I don't think I really care about myself. When I went diving, the thing I thought was "It's okay even if you die, just relax."

pali is a pelesit

One time Pali drove the three of us girls to lunch. I sat at the passenger seat behind him and played Nonogram on my phone. Then I felt him going fast. I peaked over his shoulder and confirmed that he was going 100 km/h in the city.

I wanted to play on my phone and not see where he was going, so I put on my seatbelt. 

Pali heard me buckling up. 

"Seatbelt Tiqah?" He chuckled disbelieved.

"Aku percayakan kau. Tapi aku nak main fon. Malas nak focus on the road."

He complained that I didn't trust his driving and the girls were laughing. I don't have any issue with speeding, I mean I speed all the time and I really do trust him. 

But buckling up is buckling up. Even Pali was buckled up.

Of course we got there safely with me playing on my phone the entire time. And for the ride home I immediately put on my seatbelt and played my game again. 

priorities

Iman Khairy

Ali Nasrullah

Sarah Rumi

I wanna get married and have kidsss

I've got names for them alreadyyy hahaha

Haish. 

sore throat dry cough, should i rule out ptb

I started my oncall yesterday with throat so sore like a sandpaper. But I still needed to talk, and my staffs and patients have been patient with me.

Fitri kept me company and made sure I have enough PCM supply. I have been taking them regularly since the morning. He kept telling me I need to rest and take MC cm but only loser takes MC hahahaha. I told him I needed ice cream more. He said we'll go get them after work today. 

Arif came to work today and PMed me. 

Kakak

Breakfast

Pantry 4B

I thought he messaged the group but he messaged me. He bought his usual roti jala kari ayam, karipap and popia goreng. I haven't had proper meals because of my sore throat but this is Arif. The least I would do is keep him company. 

We did our rounds and took the elevator to go to the 6th floor. One of our patient's wife entered it and she saw me. 

Doktor masih belum balik lagi? Kasihannya you. 

Haha.. I laughed meekly. 

Suara you sudah okay kah? 

Auntie rasa bagaimana? 

Ya saya sudah boleh dengar suara doktor. 

I laughed and thanked her. My friends all laughed pitifully at me. My surgeon didn't say anything maybe she didn't hear our conversation. 

But I felt cared for. Thank you everyone. 

lived a life

Had a 94 years old gentleman who came with strangulated inguinal hernia. Clerked his premorbid history from his daughter.

"Ayah saya ini kuat berjalan. Tiap hari dia ke bandar minum di kedai kopi. Dia merokok 2 bungkus satu hari."

"Wow banyaknya!" I was genuinely impressed with this grandpa living the life.

"Kami sudah larang dia tapi dia degil."

I laughed at the daughter. "Umur dia 94 sudah, biar lah dia buat apa dia mahu!"

#theunapologeticdoctor

I'm so tired

5 days travelling

that time Pali craniectomy a Urea 30 plus

I have major respect for Fadhly after assisting him tonight. 

Patient was bleeding, tachycardic, BP dropping. His hands were shaking and he was cursing. Once I told him to istighfar but he didn't hear me and kept the F and S word when the bleeders kept on spurting. So I istighfar for the team instead.

And his hands were shaking. I told him to rest his hands on something to steady them and offered my knuckle. It's something I learned from Boss because I have tremors too.

We were five scrubbed in and we have no surgeon in Lahad Datu. We have no backups. We only have each other. So yeah, Fadhly can unintentionally get me into trouble with Miss and I would take it for him because I have major respect for him and he would back me up any other day.

Also because he apologised to me, haha.

It was a 58 years old gentleman with severe CAP intubated for few days with poor GCS recovery. ICU noted ICB today with midline shift. They referred to Miss who told Fadhly to go in. Fadhly didn't want to because of the poor prognosis but he didn't voice out to Miss. We ended closing in a hurry.

Dija and Fadhly closed the dermis with glial and I started closing the skin even before they finished their layer because Xi Jin and Arif already commenced CPR. It was my first time closing with CPR ongoing. We cannot let the patient die on table. He ROSC after 15 minutes and we pushed him back to the ICU.

We did what we could. And he died 4 hours post op.

Let's go eat

Kena dengan Miss harini for something I did because Fadhly told me to. She voiced out in our group lengthily and I can't say Fadhly's name because that's not what we do. He's my teammate, I'll take one for him.

I waited a bit to see if Fadhly would reply but I guess he was asleep from being postcall. I replied "okay Miss" per usual and I told myself to be fibrosed like what FadhArifSyuk been doing but I still felt like crying.

So we went for lunch. Left alone I probably would have wallow in self pity. I want to be cheered up. Please cheer me up. 

I thought who should I call. My dad? He's working. Kak Elli? Working too. Can I call Hannan? I can't call Luqman, can I?

While waiting for my food to arrive I imagined myself in Kota Belud, jumping into the river and cold water ran through me. I can feel it. It was consoling a bit. Dunked my head in again, ah so nice. 

I want to go a river again. 

And then my message pinged. 

"Sorry Tiqah" 

Was a message from Fadhly. I grinned. Thank you for apologising, I know you would. 

"No worries"

Where R U From

I got a call tonight. Which I've been waiting for since I get here. But I didn't get any meaning he must be busy or he must have known I'm okay with being here.

Anyway I got a call. It was 26 minutes while he was watching the game. At one point he asked "When are you going back?" and I paused long before I answered. 

"Where do you mean, back?" Kota Bharu? Likas? 

He meant KB. So I told him earliest probably January for Syukri's wedding.

---

I had the same confusion back during my birthday when we were at the Dannok Immigration. The officer asked me "Dari mana?" and during that split second as I stared at him clueless and turning to Umair for help before Umair answered for me. 

"Dari Kangar."

When we passed that point, Umair said

"Aku dah agak mesti kau blur nak jawab kerja di Sabah balik Kota Bharu drive bercuti ke Perlis."

LD is where the heartbrokens are

Sometimes I think I'm too heart broken to do anything more. Besides focusing on my job, no strings attached, living a nomadic life on the weekends and getting depressed how difficult it is to mobilise when I'm solo. But doing nothing about it. 

Go with the flow, take what life gives me. 

But I think I might have hurt people too with my nonchalance. 

I sleep in my car

I was telling mom my oncalls here are tiring half of my postcalls I will work the whole day, punch out after Maghrib and sleep in my car in the hospital parking lot and wake up later midnight or near Subuh to drive back.

It's dangerous. 

I was so tired and it's more dangerous to drive exhausted.

Why not sleep in the hospital?

Where, the oncall room? That's where the oncall people will sleep.

Why not get your friend to drive you home?

What kind of illogical suggestion is that?

So it's more logical to sleep in the carpark?

Yes. The car is shut off. 

What if something happens to you in the car? You're alone right.

I'm in the car, of course I'm alone. 

Some more disapproving words. We're not achieving anything from this conversation. You're disapproving of me but you're not giving me a doable option. It's like when Hadi told me to don't go wander off alone. I'm effing bored here, I'm bored of sleeping in. But I don't have friends of equal adventurous spirit as mine, the only option is to wander off alone. 

And this time, I'm too tired to drive, so my logic is I sleep in the car. I don't turn on the engine. Why is that a problem? What do you want me to do? 

But I didn't tell her that. I just told her it's okay mom, send my regards to everyone.

I went back inside where my team was. Arif asked me who referred?

It's not a referral. I'm not even oncall. 

What's it about?

Nothing. Just end up in a fight. 

The day Likas disown me

I was throwing tantrums all day today.

It started when I realise Mr. Ashok removed me from the Specialist and MO WhatsApp group. I was then doing rounds and I stopped, aghast. What? Why?

They're my team. I'm in Lahad Datu yes but they're my team. How can they remove me from the group?

I told Arif. He laughed and said that means I'm gonna be permanent here in Lahad Datu. 

But I don't understand. Why? Because I'm not involved in patients managements so they kick me from the group? But I'm part of Paed Surgery Likas.

Fine. Fine. I'm walking out. I retaliated by removing myself from the MO group, the clinic groups and the CVL group. And then I deleted Mr. Ashok from my contact list.

They're disowning me. It's like when my house was on fire and I was displaced for that whole month. Not belonged to anywhere. 

It didn't help that Paeds been calling me during rounds and I expected this is going to be a pissy day, so I warned my colleagues.

"I'm throwing tantrums today. Thank you for being patient with me."

I was kept busy until noon, and I wanted to wallow in self pity or something, but they dragged me to lunch. Arif waited to drive me and he called twice, so I had no choice but to humour him. 

In the car was Fadhly. He greeted me with a 

"Noob la kena kick dari group. Apa kau dah buat? Lain kali diam-diam je la. Noob."

I wanted to say "fuck off" but I glared him so hard and considered kicking the back of his seat.

So I replied "Aku tak sure samada nak sepak atau tampar kau. Aku senyap je, tak pernah tulis sepatah pun sejak aku datang sini."

"Noob la." He joked. 

"Dah jangan cakap dengan aku dah pasal ni." And so I faceplanted myself onto the passenger seat. Fadhly said something but I didn't reply. I really was upset. 

They left me alone. I ate my food in silence. But then Luqman replied my text and told me

"Grow up Tiq. That's immature."

and I almost threw my phone. Fadhly saw. He's brilliantly observant you see. I replied 

"I hate you."

and fucking Luqman replied "It's okay to hate temporarily."

and I almost threw my phone again. I was listless. I forced down my food and later got up to call Kak Elli but her line was not available. Why la whyyy. 

Arif drove us back. I sat in the back forlornly, looking outside. But Fadhly didn't let it go. 

"Apsal muka stress sangat tu. Kau buat je la group baru, jangan add Mr. Ashok tu."

I grinned, half exasperated that he's still talking about this somewhat jokingly and half amused he's actually doing something to cheer me up. That suggestion really cheered me up. 

So I did what I wanted to do. I threw Arif's neck pillows at him. All two of it, I threw at him. Fadhly laughed a bit before throwing them at the back seat. 

Yeah I cheered up a bit. I actually texted him "Thanks Padly."

Before I was crestfallen again. I mean, they're my team and they disowned me. 

We talked about this post op, over porridge and cake in the OT pantry. I told them how I felt. Although I wanted to run from Likas, actually being removed from the group, my only link, the single thread tying me to Likas.. It sucks. Really sucks. 

But I didn't dare ask why was I removed. Because it'd be the end of me if it was actually an order from Boss. 

Fadhly again. "Noob."

I turned to him with a semi snarl semi grin. "Aku harap sangat aku ni lelaki, atau kau perempuan. Because I really want to headlock you right now."

But I made light of it. Talking about it made me feel better. 

And so Fadhly again. "Noob." 

I pushed my chair backwards and made a swift move in front of him, ready to pounce. He actually flinched backwards, with a grin on his face. I laughed. 

"Stop calling me noob!" 

We finished our snacks and decided to go to KFC for dinner. On my way out I bowed at him "Terima kasih Fadhly." Because I felt lighter. 

But him being a bastard. "Terima kasih apa? Noob la kau ni."

I jumped in front of him in tantrum. "Stop calling me noob!" 

I couldn't really finish my food. Still a bit wallowing. A lot. 

"Aku takde mood nak makan." I said since they pointed out I was only eating ice cream, my drink and fries. I still have the chicken and Twister left. 

"Kau makan apa je? Makan hati?" 

"Haah."

We laughed. But I really did feel disowned. 

"The problem is, kau overthink sangat. Peduli apa."

That felt like a slap. Yeah I am. I am overthinking. Because I'm attached to them. But I'm not. And I shouldn't. 

Okay Fadhly. Okay. 

We still have one laparotomy to go. Arif told me to rest since I'm oncall tomorrow but

"Fadhly masuk, kau masuk. Aku kena la masuk, aku kan yang ketiga. Kita kan satu team, cukup la Likas disown aku jangan la kau pun disown aku!" 

"Ha yeee Tiqah jom sekali, kau kena join kami, kita kan satu team!" 

Before we all laughed stupidly in the car on the way to dinner. 

But after dinner, Fadhly told me to rest since I'm oncall tomorrow. I don't want to listen to him but he has a point. 

I have overnight to grow up.