Strangers

Talking to strangers is a breather that sometimes I need to take. When I can't relax around people I know, I'll turn to strangers and let loose. Because their opinion on you doesn't matter. No stakes, can't disappoint strangers. And it's not called strangers if you meet them again.

Heh. Had I another life I'm probably the one night stand type.

One time I went out for dinner alone and was the next-in-line thus last customer at the burger stall. The two bros working the stall told me to take a seat while waiting and we chatted and chatted. I talked more during that 30 minutes from ordering to after my burger was done than during my hours at work that day.

I would have had my dinner there chatting amiably with them had mosquitoes didn't assault me (I was in Sabah and it was almost 9pm). I guess that was divine intervention telling me good girls go home before dark.

And then another time I went to the grocer to grab a coconut water because it was a hot night and I felt like it. I went to pay and the lady standing behind me asked if the drink was any good.

I don't know, I told her. My first time trying this.

She ohhed.

I paid and opened the can there. I took a sip and then turned to her. Yup, not bad.

She nodded. I then went off.

Wuss

I'm an actual chicken.

For example, I had my first piercing when I was seven but I was scared even to take it off afterwards. That same year I had a squabble with my younger bro and he accidentally punched my right ear and the earring there rolled off and I didn't dare to have it put back. The hole then closed and until today, I only have my left earring on.

No one ever asked me why I'm only wearing half a pair of earrings except Siti Khadijah better known as CtK who saw it only once and asked me about it. Otherwise people only see it and I only get asked when I myself mention it.

As I said, too chicken to even remove it, so I've been wearing the same stud until only two months ago? I felt I need a change, I felt like wearing a dangling one and so I stalled before detaching my stud.

It took me 22 years.

Let's not get into how I would run then have anything inserted in my eyes thus why I never wear contact lenses. Oh but remember when I got LASIK done? That was legendary bravado.

But yeah. I did go through a lot of things that makes people see me as strong and brave, but I'm not. I'm so not. I go through things with a "let's get this over with" mindset. That's not brave, that's acceptance laced with recklessness.

So what prompted this post?

---

With the amount of writings I've done, I should write a book and quit my day job.

Or quit my day job and write a book.

Or just quit my day job.

But then what?

Tomatoes

The first breakfast I had there I piled up tomatoes on my plate because I'm a big fan of tomatoes since Egypt days (Egypt's tomatoes are so so good) and I thought well they're pretty much next door so Jordan's tomatoes must be as good, yeah?

But to my horror them tomatoes were sour. The old kind of sour. I felt betrayed, like the chef stabbed me with the fork I was eating with. I barely swallowed the piece I chewed and I gave up on the rest of them. My mood was sullen. Why was the tomatoes sour? How could they do this to me? Gone were my hopes and dreams of reliving my days in Egypt by having sweet tomatoes for breakfast. This was so wrong. I got up and had toast for breakfast instead, still complaining. My travelmate chuckled disbelieved at my mini outburst but being the person who usually bottles her emotions and reserves them for only important stuffs I felt I had every right to be emotional about tomatoes.

Enough to say I didn't touch any tomatoes for the remainder of my stay. I actually glared at them every morning I pass them at the breakfast buffet. Goodness this kid held vengeance.

Questionability

I'm up to doing questionable things nowadays. But I don't want to be questioned because for everything that it's worth I still have a shred of faith in me and you don't publicise doing some things when you still have a shred of faith left.

So how not to be questioned when you're doing questionable things? I surmised either
1) don't let it be known that you're doing questionable things
2) be an unquestionable person
3) just don't care

I'm opting for the first and second, focusing on the second because it's something I can control.

To be an unquestionable person, you need to maintain an appearance.

Appear physically fit and normal.
Appear mentally sound and stable.
Appear mature and well-cared of.

But by all means, I can only do these consciously. If I tip off balance then you'll know of that day.

Just hold it in

I found solace in the worst of places.

It's my fault, I brought this onto myself. I chose to step my foot into it, both feet in just waiting to sink. It's like drinking sea water when you're thirsty. Keep on drinking and you'll die. I've got my taste of it, it's egging me on and I have no resolve. I'm going to die.

It was so good now I'm blurred which is reality and which is fiction. I don't think I'll ever get enough from the life that I have now that I know what could be, but it wouldn't be. My life will never be like that because I've limitations.

Or so what I think is solace. It's not, for all it's worth it's going to torment me even more. It's a meaningless fuck.

I should stay away. I must stay away, find proper solace...

Who would you call for reassurance

How do people stay focused and motivated? Progress in their personal and career path. I'm sure they had their struggles as well but what we see is they have actual progress. Whereas I can't seem to be achieving anything.

Anything?

Tell me one thing. Career wise? Meh. And not even someone to have a proper conversation with, thus this lengthy monologues on blog.

Maybe you should stop looking at others and just focus on yourself. Everyone goes through different things.

Can't help looking at others. There are people around and I don't live in my own world. Are you suggesting we go somewhere with no one around? Bobby's Runaway hits too close to home.

Is that a good idea?

I wouldn't know until we try. I need to break this cycle.

Fucking go see a therapist.

BIGBANGie's Lies

Situation: My MO is in town. I just got off work, straight went for dinner because I was famished and only then I texted her, to which she replied minutes later that she's at her hotel and asking where am I.

It's 8.30pm. I'm not oncall tomorrow. But I'm tired. Can I not meet up?

Savinder would have yelled in my ears "I didn't come all the way here for you to sleep!"
Yes he would. And I'd hate him for it.
If it's Luqman, will you give excuses?
I think I might still give excuses.
Good to know you're unbiased.. but what's wrong with you?
Don't ask me difficult questions.

Can I just keep quiet and not reply her message? I read it though.
It's disrespectful.
Why do I owe so much to people?
Let's soon move somewhere far away where no one knows us.

Zafran called me just now. Just telling that he's in town with Mustaq and they're hanging out with Che Mat. He said maybe we'll meet up later.

When he said that, I realized somewhat how Luqman felt that I was in KL but didn't even tell him. So I called him afterwards, at 7.30ish. The phone rang until voicemail.

Whatever it is, don't be rude to your family. They're all you have.

My family came to Sabah last week. I was still in that depressive, angry, anxious mood. But I did my best.

I did get angry at trivial things some times and walk off once. I tried not to but I just.. 

I think, if I were with friends or colleagues, I would just remain silent and impassive. My face wouldn't hide it but at least I wouldn't say anything. But they're my family and you're allowed to not hold back with family and so I snapped.

They didn't deserve it and of course I regret it.

The last day mom and dad thanked me and I felt like crying because there were times I didn't treat them well and there were times I could have treated them better.

Mom said she didn't worry about me now. But mom can't you see I was, am in a mess?

She's my mom, she couldn't be oblivious, right? Am I hiding it well then?

I went back to work on Friday. My motto that day was to wear light coloured items so I wouldn't look so depressive. I wore a light green tudung with a light blue shirt and beige pants. Colleague said I looked fresh.

Friday night I stayed over at Mizah because she invited me over, and I needed to be with company or maybe I'll go mad.

She asked me on an adventure for Saturday and Sunday. Why not, so we went away that AM. I accidentally left my phone at her place and only noticed it later when I thought of telling my parents I'm going away. I didn't went back for it. Mizah multiple times asked me if I needed to call my parents to inform them but I just didn't.

I'm not always like this. Usually I'll ask permission first thing. But that day I just felt like going off radar.

So I told Mizah I'm not calling anyone and if by the time I collect my phone back there was no calls for me at all I'll probably leave my phone at home for the next next weekends.

That PM Mizah asked me again if I'm calling my parents but I asked her to check my FB instead.

"Why?"
"If I were my mom and I couldn't contact me by calls nor message, I'll post on my FB profile."

She checked. Nothing posted. So I guess there was nothing urgent going back at home.

Sunday PM we arrived back in KK and I collected my phone. There were 5 calls from mom and 10 from dad, no other calls as I expected.

I later called them and mom gently told me off for leaving my phone and not informing them. I noted mom didn't said she was worried, she said she was concerned. I told her that I turned down Mizah's offer and I apologised, I shouldn't make them worry.

See my words. I'm not sorry for being uncontactable. I was just sorry I made them worry, but were they? Maybe they were.

Will I leave my phone again? Not unlikely.

Acceptance

More or less it went like this.

A: Actually.. last weekend I went to KL.
L: What? When?
Last weekend. You were oncall on Saturday, postcall Sunday.
And you didn't tell me? That's lame.
... You were oncall Saturday so I didn't feel right to bother you on your postcall day.
Excuses.

His tone and answer surprised me. I actually wanted to meet him, he was the trigger for me to go to KL.

[15/03, 14:10] LHRM: Deal with it
[15/03, 14:25] AH: I feel like hitting you
[15/03, 14:52] LHRM: If that relieves u
[15/03, 14:58] AH: You're so kind, maybe I'll try that
[15/03, 15:13] LHRM: I can take that

Except I didn't. He was oncall on Saturday so Sunday should be for his family la kan. I wouldn't kacau anyone on days like that. Plus I was with family.

But he is family too?
He's the family-by-choice. More importantly I shouldn't take his time with his (biological) family for my own sake, not on a postcall Sunday.

But yeah, retrospectively I should have called him to say I'm in town but can't meet him. It's the right thing to do, right?

L: You datang hari Sabtu, balik?
A: 7 malam..
Sabtu?
Ahad.
When someone doesn't want to meet someone, they make excuses.
I'm-
Where did you go actually?
I went to my uncle's in Semenyih.
Why not your brother's? He's in UM kan.

And closer to your place la kan.

A: I made the plan so abrupt so I didn't want to bother him. He came over for breakfast on Sunday though.
L: Okay.
Sorry, I..
It was your choice, not mine. I'm cool, but that's a lame excuse.

Berdesing telinga sekejap. He sounded a tone higher from his usual even tone betraying his coolness and I thought he was making a big deal out of it. But him making a big deal about it means it was a big deal to him that I didn't tell him I was in town. And he was right. Us not meeting up was because I decided not to bother him, I assumed his position.

Means I can call him for next time?
Yes. But should you?
He did say we can call him anytime.
What does anytime means?

He's the cool person I look up to and I'm the lame kid trying to figure myself out. I was actually grinning awkwardly. I did feel sorry for myself that I was there but didn't get to meet him but I was not sorry for my reason for not calling him.

A: Thanks for calling. I'll see you around.
L: I hope you figure out whatever it is you have to deal with.
Yeah maybe I'll call you if I don't.
I don't expect to receive any calls from you.
Haha..
This isn't sarcasm, it's the acceptance that adults do. We're both adults.

Yeah. Like I've already accepting everything as it is. I'll do better next time. Him calling me means I am somewhere in his Care Radar, so I should show better my gratitude that someone is checking up on me. Respect the fact that he cares. I should return the favour.

And I smiled when he said we're both adults. I don't feel so adult nowadays with my mood swings. God how do I get myself out of this.

How exactly do you show that you care about someone?
I pray for them?
Is that showing?
Let me sleep on this, I'll answer you cm.

Help me

Today I was so listless I didn't speak to anyone at work and my colleagues didn't come near me let alone start a conversation with me. I didn't even greet Boss when I met him on clinic. Huh was I rude? He probably didn't realize it anyway.

Miss Haz was the only one who seemed ignorant of my stressed out face and she talked to me like any other day.

The listless was at the level of suppressing the urge to throw things. I really wanted to throw things and kick stuffs but I can't. I can't. I guess I need to run but where to? I should talk to someone.

So early in the morning I asked Farano if she has acquittance in Psy as I could use a referral to for now. But she didn't have any.

I called Rokiah in the middle of rounds and I called and called and called until she sent a default message "Can't talk right now, call me back later?"

I replied "Kedah kerja Jumaat rupanya boo tak islamik" to which she replied "ngek oncall mek".

By noon I was still listless with no definite cause so I texted Luqman for help.

Are you oncall this weekend?
Tomorrow
Okay
U?
No oncall this weekend
Up to anything?
Need to run away but haven't decided on a destination yet
Run from ur adversity?
Yeah
Deal with it

When that reply came I grinned and gripped my phone because the urge to throw things was back in full force. I don't want to deal with it I don't even know what to deal with!

So I called him to shout or whatever to let him hear the frustration while walking with rounds. But the call ended. Not sure whether I accidentally ended it or he did. Whatever. I was still grinning/snarling. I bet if the call went through he'd probably just "heh are you done?" at me. Would have infuriated me more but likely to comfort me as well.

The good thing about messaging is I can try to hide what a bastard I am. So I texted him back.

I feel like hitting you
If that relieves u
You're so kind, maybe I'll try that
I can take that

I know it's dangerous to be alone in this state of mind. I'll probably end up curled in bed for two days and that'd be bad for my sanity. Or I'll go to some river alone and be weird and that'd probably be bad for my sanity as well.

Should I go to Limbang and meet Fadzlin? Urgh what if she's oncall? How should we go to Limbang, drive? I've never driven there before and Ban will be bising again. What if Pofin isn't even around that'd be useless.

So I looked up flights online and bought flight tickets to KL. Almost RM500 but whatever, my sanity needs help. I'll stay with Chikna this weekend. Maybe I'll go see Luqman on Sunday, take him up on his offer and hit him or something. Tell him I'm sorry for being a burden and I should try harder so as not to become a burden but I don't know how.

Kak Solehah my housemate saw me walking out from my room and asked me if I'm going out.

"Saya balik KL weekend ni."
"Oh. Ada apa?"
"Family.. stay dengan makcik."
She looked concerned. "Okay ke?"

I paused. It's not my makcik who's not okay, I'm not okay. Should I tell her or should I get going?

I said "Okay" and she asked me how I'm getting to airport.

I called Chikna later and she asked me why did I decide to suddenly come over.

"Ika stress."
"Bagus! Datang laa."

Chiknaaaaaaaaaaa why are you saying bagus that I'm stressed out!!!!! Yeah yeah cause I very rarely come over that's why it's bagus.

And then I called dad. He asked why didn't I come home instead so I say there's no direct flight from KB on Sunday. Heck there's no way I'm doing layovers.

RUNAWAY

Had to get out of bed at 6.30am today to make it in time for Dato' briefing us on OT today at 7.15am (Lately I've been throwing tantrums and get out of bed by 7.30am). I was so annoyed at having to wake up early, I was actually awake earlier than that but kept on rebelliously snoozing every ten minutes.

Got out of bed annoyed and sleepy, got out of shower still annoyed and a bit less sleepy, and finished my coffee still annoyed and a tad bit sleepy.

I got to work, did my job, and when I'm alone I'll huffed in the hallway. My surgeon saw me and asked what's up.

"I'm annoyed I have to wake up early!"

Look, I'm from Kelantan. I don't have terrible traffic like in KL, and since Egypt time I have always live close to where I have to be in the morning because I don't like waking up to get to work.

If it's a weekend or when I'm in the woods I'm automatically up before sunrise, but for work? Meh I don't have enough motivation for that.

But Dato' tonight said "I need the jam. Balik kerja pukul 6, kalau sampai rumah 6.10 saya jadi mati akal."

In my line of work, you're not important. You're dispensable. You can MIA anytime you want and someone else will get the job done. Nobody cares.

I'm feeling a bit swamped lately

Oh when are you not? Late for work almost daily despite waking up early.

and have been snapping at this one staff nurse since yesterday. Just now she mentioned my name while arranging a new admission and I went

"Kenapa kau noted aku, ada apa pulak?" Whining.

And she said "Tak saya sebut nama patient saja..."

I huffed and continued walking away. And I felt so bad for snapping at her, she did nothing wrong. So I went back to her and hugged her from the side.

"Sorry Alisda, banyak aku kena minta maaf dengan kau."

And she was perplexed. She probably didn't even hear me right. All the other staffs asked me what's wrong with me but I just walked off to OT.

Sampai je OT, Miss bising cam apa.
Mana MO lain.
Kenapa tak habiskan round, surgeon tak round pun kenapa MO tak round.

Wtf aku balik wad setelkan kerja wad lepas Boss round twins, mana aku tahu orang oncall postcall tak buat round. Aku pun mesej orang oncall dia tak round peri ke? Miss super bising.

Dia kata lepas ni dia round.

Aku kata telinga aku dah berdesing. Aku pergi round sekarang.

Dan aku pun round. Aku pakai mask sebab muka aku tension.

Masalahnya orang postcall tak update patient peri. Aku sikit lagi nak meletup dalam group tu. Korang malas tulis kertas passover so nak passover dalam Whatsapp tapi passover la properly dalam group wtf benda ni pun nak kena bagitahu ke, kau busy amende oncall kau?

Aku setel round, aku update surgeon oncall ("Oh ya kan saya tak round NICU  tadi"), aku turun klinik setelkan list OT Khamis.

Pukul dua aku balik wad and round. Pastu Miss call aku minta printkan CT filem twins. Aku pun bagitahu la surgeon oncall aku nak pergi Radio.

"Oh ya kan tak print lagi. Thanks."

Aku pergi. Pastu sambung round. Aku turun balik Radio ambil filem. Hmm axial je, cukup ke. Aku pun pergi OT cari Boss.

"Boss apa lagi yang diperlukan? Sorry saya tak reti."

"Ni pun cukup." Boss aku jenis apa-apa aja la yang ada, dia tak pernah minta lebih.

"Kalau nak lagi boleh, saya request print sekarang sempat lagi."

"Nak small bowel series dia, nak coronal view dia."

"Okay saya pergi. Antibiotics esok nak Rocephin/Flagyl atau?"

"Rocephin/Flagyl."

"Beres Boss."

Aku dah baca slide Dato and Dato mention Rocephin/Flagyl, aku tanya MO OT esok dia kata Unasyn cukup dan aku argue ikut local protocol atau surgeon protocol? Dato yang nak operate dia la dictate.

Maka aku turun Radio cari semua yang diperlukan. Aku tanya dalam group small bowel series dah ada ke belum, aku tak pernah nampak. Diorang kata diorang tengok dalam komputer je. Aku kata we need that. Oh and esok antibiotics Rocephin/Flagyl.

"Okay noted." They said.

Nape aku sorang buat benda ni? Entah. Maka turun la sorang lagi MO pergi kutip fluroscopy baby sementara aku setelkan CT filem. Boss dan surgeon lain ada dengan twin dan MO tersebut maklumkan. Aku terus pergi NICU.

Dua minit dengan diorang, telefon aku berbunyi. Aku double park orang, beliau mahu keluar. Boss was talking to the parent.

"Miss, saya double park orang."

"Okay okay pergi."

Aku pun pergi. Mana MO lain ni ape korang buat Boss kan di sini? Aku pun mesej dalam group "Guys go to L3 please."

"Ok coming." Sorang reply.

"Otw." Sorang reply.

At this point, I have build up a lot. Whatever. Aku je concern bila korang nak isi claim oncall harini dah 5hb dah. Takkan nak hantar explanation letter kenapa lambat kepada pengarah?

I need to vent my frustration. I should get laid. Hah. I'll go find a boxing gym somewhere close by.

"If it hurts to be with or without you, I'd rather be with you."

I went to a short course the other day and for ice breaking they asked us to introduce the person next to us and tell one interesting thing about themselves.

Kent from ED was going to introduce me so he asked what's interesting about me. I paused a little, considered answering him with an

"I'm an idiot"

but then I'd have to explain. So I told him "I'm from Kelantan but I don't speak Kelantanese."

When I hate something, I keep my mouth shut and I walk away. You don't deserve any feelings from me, so all you get is my ignorance.

I never really acknowledge this, but I think I have to make this announcement.

I hate to be told to "chill". If I'm not pissed off and you tell me to chill, I'll get pissed off.

If I am pissed off and you tell me to chill, I'll only get more pissed off.

So yeah, never tell me to "chill". Try other words.

I don't know why, I just hate that particular word. This colleague has been using that word on me and I hate it every single time. Maybe it's the word I hate, or maybe it's her. Likely it's both the word and her.

Hatred is a strong feeling and I don't reserve feelings for unworthy people. She's unworthy. She doesn't deserve any feelings from me, so I'm just going to ignore her for the rest of my life here. Get it? You hear that Atiqah?