22 hours for Syaza

Operation was 22 hours. Boss, my registra and I unscrubbed at 15 hours after the adhesiolysis was done.

The only reason I scrubbed out was because other MOs have arrived to relieve us and Miss told me to unscrub because she said I looked out of it. (At 7.30am I was retracting for Boss and didn't retract with the strength he needed and I apologized to him like Sorry Boss, sorry. He said Not your fault, not your fault). Miss The Champion carried on with morning team while the three of us napped at different corners of the OR.

Boss thanked us for assisting the OT and I told him I'm grateful he's giving us this opportunity. Miss in her tiredness ruined the mood by saying we stayed because who else is going to stay? Haha she's right. But I'm a sucker for my Boss and I go where my Boss goes. He operates 15 hours, I assist 15 hours. He naps, I nap. He scrubs for OT elective, I hung around. I'm actually a monkey.

So Boss scrubbed for elective case and I pestered behind him. We were talking about that ED MO who passed away in his car. Boss told me "Atiqah penat, jangan tidur dalam kereta. Balik rumah selamat. Atau tidur tempat ada orang, tidur di wad kalau perlu."

I was thinking of sleeping in  my car actually after been working for the past 36 hours straight. And I've slept in my car on few occasions without telling anyone about it. When I got into my car, I think I fall asleep a bit with the engine running. Maybe 15 minutes? I sobered up, remembered what he said and drove home. And I accidentally dragged my car across the cement pile in the garage.... Urgh.

Yesterday when we were stuck in OT from 4pm onwards, the married guys get a phone call later at night from their wives. No phone calls for us single girls. I don't know what that made me feel, but it did made me think. No one looks out for you when you're far away and alone. Single people have high risk of dying in unlikely places because of this.

So if you're remaining single, then you have to be cautious and play safe. Don't have to Facebook all your activities and locations, just keep a good head and common sense.

Rebel

I got my hand henna-ed the other day. Ara and I were walking in the mall and there's a stall open for that. Ara's getting married soon so she suggested we get henna on. I agreed. Never got one of these anyway.

My only concern is how is my workplace going to take this. You can still be a professional with drawings on your hand, right?

I looked at their selection of designs. I thought of taking their cheapest, RM5. But they're all floral designs. And then I locked eyes on this swirly tribal-like design. The main design will be on the dorsum, a partition on the wrist and extending into the forearm.

I asked the lady to draw the main design on my forearm instead, so it will be subtle and with my sleeves pulled out, can be seen peeking out.

It turned out pretty. Doesn't look like a wedding is coming up. Straight up "Atiqah got tattooed" kind of like.

Maybe I'm in a rebellious mood. Next thing we know my hair will be purple.

Less than two weeks and I'm getting calls again

I was watching YouTube when he called me. It was 9.30pm and by default I don't accept calls at that time, but he's family so I took the call after two rings.

There was a loud music in the background. He sounded a bit higher pitched than usual when he greeted me a "Hi Tiq!"

I immediately laughed and cringed oh God help. "Are you high??"

"Damn how did you know?" And he started his string of F words.

It nerved him that I could smell his state from being so far away, but I did. Because I've seen him high and I remember it because he was odd. His tongue became loose, he became more cheery. He's usually cool and collected, the good older brother persona. I know him enough and I was right. Sometimes I hate it when I'm right.

He kept on cussing but I could only laugh, what else could I do? Why is a father of four, married man, first year trainee high in the middle of the week?

He started telling me about his day. About his current posting and the cases he's seeing. About our friend. How Dato Z caught his attention with his guts. How he's being true to himself. How he thinks things are F up. Things he says when he's high. I wonder who supplies him. I wonder if I should worry about him.

He got extra philosophical and whimsical. He told me good things are never easy. He told me how sad and lonely it will be if at the end of the day you're alone and no one at home for you.

I never really ask him about his family, but I hope everything is well for him. Maybe that's why he talks to me because I don't pry. I'm not good at prying because I don't like to pester. I'm more into as long as you know why you're doing what you're doing rather than the tiny details of it.

It did hit me a tiny bit though. But he didn't suggest I start my own family. He knows I'm fast losing interest in those kind of things anyway. I will make my parents cry.

In the middle of the 30 minutes call, he saw a husky being walked and he got super excited. He asked if he could make a pillow out of it. Huskies are the best, I told him, but if he approached the person in his state they might call the police on him. I told him not to make Mr. Tar ashamed.

So that's how I knew he was outside, maybe in the park. I asked earlier but he only said he was out in his roundabout way of answering so I didn't ask more. He sobered up soon and thanked me for allowing him to call me.

"Thank you for allowing me to call you in this state." Was what he said.

His choice of word was interesting. He's family so I will always take his call. Urgh I had a bleeding patient when he called me two oncalls ago and I picked his call up. But I know me. I don't think I'll ever call him first, or anyone first. I'm lame like that.

It did cross my mind that he's calling me when he got high. He called me not even two weeks back after a night of getting too high. I don't want to ask anything, but I hope everything around him is fine. I hope he's happy and healthy, and I told him that. I hope he got home safe.

He said he is near home. He's always more philosophical when he's high but he sounded more normal by then. He told me to take care and to always have my socks on.

"Don't forget to wear your socks!"

Weird advice. Yeah blister is a bitch. Is this guy going to be okay? Whatever. He'll be okay. He never get easy things his way  but he's always been okay. He's a survivor.

I hope he doesn't get high anytime sooner, but if he does I will remember not to nag. Just listen him out. And maybe call someone in HKL to subtly look out for him. Ask Kak Elli to check up on him?

Crazy is back

Yooo what's up it's Haru and time for some Facts About Mehh

I get carsick.

I don't like to use much effort for eating.

But most importantly I've short attention span.

I have a fixed background infatuation and some intermittent short lived infatuation. Like a patient controlled analgesia using morphine with a background morphine infusion. I can only have one shot of PCA morphine with a five minutes lock or something.

My fixed infatuations are Mitsui and Jackman.

My intermittent 5 minutes infatuations are numerous I always feel embarrassed to admit this. No wonder Pofin called me a play girl. It's not that I'm playing, it's that I'm not really ever damn-I-wanna-live-with-you-for-the-rest-of-my-life serious. So I'm bouncing from one to another. Maybe show some effort for a change but mostly just slacking off.

Should we list it down?

Maybe not. We'll regret this in the morning. Don't write what you don't want to be permanent.

And then I write things down because when it's penned it's out of my mind but always around

The thing is, last night around 8 plus almost 9 Luqman messaged me asking if I'm on tonight.

I was going to ask on drugs or something but I decided to keep my tongue in check and asked "On what?"

"Call."

He wanted to call me. That's funny. I don't remember we ever talk much on the phone. We previously just meet. Or random text. I've never called him for the past year so why suddenly?

Is he in trouble? Or worse, am I in trouble? What did I do?

So I called him. He didn't pick up. He returned the call immediately and said he'll call me in a bit. I told him to call me anytime.

I waited till almost midnight but screw that bugger I need my sleep I've to work tomorrow. When I woke up, I read his text asking if he could call me in the morning or something.

I told him I have locum OT today, so to call me after 1pm. We texted in between cases and I texted him once I was done.

He called me around 2pm. I was having my first meal of the day. McDonald's as usual was a bit noisy so I ditched my chicken, was responsible and cleared out my table awkwardly holding the phone to my ear without it touching my oily fingers. Then I walked off to my car to carry on the conversation.

See I like him that much. Bastard should be grateful.

We talked about how's life and the people we know. One interesting conversation point was Omar is now a trainee doing his Paed Surgery rotation in HUKM. Luqman just met him few days ago and Omar said he didn't like it.

Me: Why? Omar doesn't like Paed Surgery or he doesn't like being in HUKM?
Luqman: Not everyone is like you.
Me: What do you... Oh you mean he doesn't like Vicky?

Vicky is also doing his Paed Surgery rotation in HUKM. Haha. These people have long had this subtle not subtle beef with Vicky.

Luqman: Congratulations. Right answer.
Me: I've always liked you guys. The only person I didn't like from Surgery HRPZ was Mr. A***.

---

He told me he feels like he's on good term with his supervisor in the programme. But he felt strongly it was because of who his father is because of the comment his supervisor made.

And this is why Luqman is my brother. Because we basically live under the same shadow and can relate to one another.

I just told him "It's okay." Because it is. Can't exactly do anything about it.

---

I admitted to Luqman I'm eying someone but it's a work in progress.

"What's this? I've never heard of it."

"I'm not exactly telling anyone about it." Oh but the girls know because I've always been nonchalant about my crushes heh. I'm seeing things in a rational way. It's good that I have interests, no? Proofs that I have a healthy hormonal system and that I'm straight and not asexual.

"Thank you for telling me. Congratulations."

"But it's a work in progress. And I'm dangerously losing interest. I can't hold my attention long with these kind of things. I have actually turned down four people..."

And this bitch kept count because she's a rational person who knows what she's doing.

Since I'm such a rational person, I know I want to get married. Except not now, not tomorrow. I feel like I've better things to do, and the person I'm eying has also better things to do and doesn't seem like he can handle the commitment. Me too. At least not now.

---

62 minutes on the phone. This was a personal record. I've never been on the phone this long with anyone and I realized why. Because I think I am hard on my hearing. It's clumsy to hear over the phone when both of us like to mumble our words.

And then it hit me. Did he call to check up on me? Because that really what it was. Did he do that because I got all sentimental that one time we texted longer than usual, about how I needed to call him but couldn't bring myself to call him?

Dammit bro. I hope this isn't going to be a thing. I'm a wild kid and don't need brothering. I always come around, don't I?

Fighting off sleep because Luqman said he wanted to call but screw him it's 2335H already and I have locum OT cm.

So the year is ending. My resolutions were actually:

1- Find something to go home to.
So far it is my bed. I'm basically failing.

2- One hike per month.
Oh who am I kidding. I stopped hiking and thus counting.

3- One poster per three months.
That was too ambitious. I'm lazy.

I think that was all. Haha. Should we do this again next year? Make resolutions and not achieving them?

Sending Vicky off

I picked Vicky up from the airport on his first day in Sabah and I sent the bugger off on his last day here. Six months has flew so fast. I asked him to conclude this past six months and he said

"You have grown more matured from last time."

That's good to know but "cmon I was your houseman what three years ago." #HOpalingmanja sudah jadi #MOpalingmatang hahaha.

He told me I need to base my judgement on knowledge and not just experience per se, and to lay off spending so much time in the wilderness, and to study.

Yeah old man, I'll maybe listen this time. I told Vicky I won't miss him because I know we'll meet again. He grinned but saw the water in my eyes, told me not to cry and then smacked me for real. Bugger.

Afterwards I went to catch the sunset at nearby Tanjung Aru. It's pretty. I sent this picture to Vicky as his flight departed. The sun doesn't actually set away, it's the earth that has been moving around. And so do we. We move around, we come and go. Life goes on. 

"I'm gonna go cry in the bathroom now."

Actually I miss Luqman so much. Really really miss him. He is my brother and I always go to him for all my problems.

And I'm having problems at work and I'll remember he told me to call him for anything but I'm bad at calling people and I don't want to bother him and I'm an all-round brat so I never did. I'm not good at prying and barely know about his circumstances. But he's always around for me whenever I reach out for him.

Anyway. Today I texted him to spread the pride of Vicky conquering Lowe's Peak. He asked me if I went up with Vicky.

I told him no. And that I actually just got back from home because I needed family comfort and Mr. Tar's pick-me-ups.

He asked why I needed pick-me-ups.

So I told him my situations. And bla bla bla.

He said I can always call him if I needed someone to talk to.

I told him I remember that every time but I'm a brat.

And now I'm crying. Urgh such a spoiled brat.

Maybe I should just randomly text everyone that crosses my mind with some carefully worded words of what I'm feeling. Not creepy enough for them to think I'm dying or something though.

Somehow I went reading through past entries and came across the Tag PTSD. It was when I was going through that fire at my apartment.

Truthfully I forgot how the whole ordeal ended. I remembered I went up some stage somewhere to receive the money collection from the Embassy and I asked for help from the Ambassador while I was onstage.

But I couldn't recall whether that help was asked before or after I gave up after going to the third police station in Cairo to settle the legal issue and achieved nothing. I skipped few classes for that. And I went by myself because I couldn't bring myself to ask someone else to skip classes to help me, only to settle nothing. They'll only be coming along for company, and having company doesn't settle things.

At first I was struggling to get myself back. Afterwards only I realized I had everyone around me with me. Lin organised for the girls to make that huge card for me. I still have it. Oh God. Ah, I'm wiping tears.

Thing is. I cried a bit reading those back. Can't believe I went through those but I did. Maybe that's why I'm so stubbornly independent. Must be.

My past self did a good job penning those words down. I know I wrote some of those with tears down my face. Didn't expect to have a bit of tears down my face reading them almost four years later.

After I restarted life with the Muntalaqians, I think it was around that time that Hariz's place caught fire. And then another girls' place in Mansurah.

Next time I swing by HRPZ, I will go see you

Every time I go back to Kelantan, I'll be sure to go back to HRPZ. I know, lifeless much yeah, but I really love the memories I have of this place. This place has taught me a lot on life, on humility for the past gruelling two years of my housemanship.

Most of the time it's an impromptu visit and I don't make arrangements to meet with anyone. I believe in this thing called "jodoh" haha. I used to meet up with Luqman every single time I stop by even without making arrangements to meet him. We just cross path and I'll accomodate myself to his plans. I miss this old brother. I hope he's well in UM.

Anyway, God will always put in my path the people I'm thankful for.

1) First person I meet was Mr. Zuraimi hahahahahahaha what a joke. I felt so bad because I see him at the hospital more than I ever tegur him at home. He lives two houses away and thank God he was his jolly self and still recognise me.

2) Kak Salehah, my Paed Surgery MO. I had something for her hehe. The housemen said she left to go back already but when I pass in front of the pantry, I saw a laptop bag with casenotes in one bag. Only MOs do that. I swung inside and there she was eating her late lunch.

3) MR. TARMIZI yazzzz last time I only got to say hi boss sihat? and give him his Raya package because he had other meetings, but it was past office hour and he invited me into his office! So happy, regardless the first question he asked was when am I applying for Masters. Followed by what surgery can I do now and when am I retaking MRCS. Ahh.

It's always stressful to meet him because it's like a status update of where am I at becoming a surgeon. I can't tell him I'm indecisive and want to play around more. But I'm grateful he's taking the role of a mentor, so I need to show my gratitude by being a good mentee.

4) Abe Nik my Anaes MO whom I'm friends with on Facebook. It says a lot when you add a colleague or superior on Favebook, for me it means I like them as friends and respect them enough to want to be in the know (I have three Anaes MOs and two Anaes consultants on my friendlist, and only one Paed Surgery MO how about that?).

I saw him but he was on the phone so I'm like should I say hi or not say hi. I then took my phone out and kept walking. He called me out hahaha. Thanks Abe Nik, you and your dramas, but I still learned a lot and had so much fun in Anaes and will always be grateful for them.

5) Saufi my Cairo senior who is now Paed MO. He was going to ACC OT for a standby so I walked with him. It was a funny talk really. Saufi was saying how he sees me so happy in Sabah going here and there. His single lady colleagues are taking leaves and going overseas for travel while he's here saving for a wedding, for his future kids, to buy a house and to retire.

... Okay Saufi. I'll do that too.

I want a Bucky!

I'm a bit obsessed with Captain America. Reason being because he has someone he would sacrifice and fight the whole world for, which is Bucky. I want a Bucky too.

So I've had
1- two Captain America shirts
2- an infant Captain America onesie I wear on my bear
3- a Captain America wall sticker
4- a Captain America phone cover
5- a Captain America cable organiser
6- two Captain America cable covers
7- ten Captain America's shield iron-on patch
8- Captain America stamp!
9- Captain America pens
10- Captain America passport cover

It's not much, really. So I ordered some more.
11- two Captain America carpet
12- Captain America USB drive
13- Captain America socks

My parents laughed. Dad said I'm embarrassing him hahahahaha that's the first time I'm hearing this.

Ascending viral infection

My ward is cold, OT is colder, ED is coldest. My sweater was in the car but I was running between ward and OT and ED with no breaks in between so I had to suck it up. I ended up worsening my runny nose and my eye went running as well. The problem wa I had no non-sleepy medication on had. There was no Clarinase in stock in our hospital. I cannot risk taking a Piriton and not woken up for whatever. I was oncall.

I was able to sleep at 3. Woke up at 4 for a referral that after assessing the child was a TRO acute appendix in district and was stable, I went and forgot what it was about. Woke up at 5 groggy as hell with partial airway obstruction, made coffee and showered. If anything else, I need to clean up.

AM round and my nose was ahead of me. Started clinic and my eye got worse. Had to apologize to all my patients for having such a germ-infested doctor seeing them today.

Break. I met Boss and discussed this and that. Then I asked him what he had planned in the evening. Any teaching, meeting etc. He had a meeting so I asked him if it was okay if I sit out from round and crash down a bit. My nose and eye were on a marathon.

He grinned "Teruk sangat ke oncall semalam?"

Yeah it was horrible. You almost made us laparotomy a child at 11pm Boss. I almost cried when you decided that but I would have done it anyway, work is work.  Sleep deprived is something we face everyday, nothing new.

But I can't handle running organs Boss haha. I just needed to take some meds and I'll be good. At the expense of sitting out on PM round.

Boss said it was okay. He asked about our sleeping arrangements in the MO room and volunteered out his office for us to sleep in.

But I felt bad. I felt, weak? I can't complain to an almost pensioner, it's not fair. He had worse during his time and there I was asking to step out.

I went back to ward. Rummaged through our in stock medicine cabinet. Took what I needed and sat on the couch in the MO room. I fell asleep few minutes later.

Guardians of the Babies

Here in Likas we have guards guarding every ward entrance. I'm quite familiar with the guards who are stationed at my ward and some periphery wards we're used to commuting to.

You should know that the guards in Neonatal wards are familiar with postnatal moms coming in and going. And whenever I go there at night for my oncall rounds, sometimes they'll stare at me a few seconds before allowing me in. I heard they couldn't decide whether I'm a postnatal mom because I was selekeh or I'm a lost teenage kid.

This happened during my last call. There's this guard who is about my height, male, he has this smile that is friendly and very welcoming. That night he opened the door for me and asked me

"Kau umur berapa? Nampak macam belasan tahun."

I stopped to answer him. "Aku 28. Kau?"

"Aku 24."

"Kau juga macam belasan tahun."

We're now on an eyebrow-raised acknowledging level.

Public holidays are good days for laparotomy

I'm oncall tomorrow on Deepavali. I'll be alone MO oncall gor Paed Surgery besides my oncall surgeon.

Today at PM round that extended until 5.30pm, we decided for two laparotomies coming morning. And one trauma case transferring from Lahad Datu.

Did I say I'm the only MO oncall alone tomorrow?

I'm gonna go get sushi tonight...