Babyfaced

I have baby face except for my eyebags. Coupled with the fact that on casual days I wear cotton tshirt and cotton pants, add on the slippers or Crocs, maybe a backpack or none at all. Especially if I take my glasses off. Makes me look like a kid.

I don't mind. I won't be approached to buy this or that. I can just go about doing whatever I want.

Today at home there's a contractor around fixing stuffs around the house because none of us is handy. After his team was done we served them some chills and the pakcik asked me

"Adik sekolah mana?"

I grinned at him and ran away. I didn't have the heart to lie, but if I tell him I'm in the workforce already in this shabby attires I'd just bring shame to my family name.

But I realized afterwards. The next time someone asks me that question, I'm gonna reply my alma mater SMI Aman. Although it was more than ten years ago already.

Partner

I'm at home, fighting afternoon drowsiness for a needed nap and watching X Files. Mulder and Scully at it again, with her admitting her insecurities to him.

I guess when you have a trusted partner, that's what you do. And proceed from there.

---

I'm seeing a pattern here. And doesn't need psychobabbling to know what I want right now. Maybe even what I need. Heh. But since when do we always get what we want?

"I run towards my problems instead of away from them, because that's what heroes do."

Today us housemates had our first full house iftor together. Then we prayed Maghrib all five of us and we went to Masjid Bandaraya in a car for our Isya and Terawih. And then we went back for moreh in the kitchen.

And Kak Adilah made that comment, that it was the first time we're all seated together.

Yeah I know. It's mostly me missing. I don't hang out with them much. Even today at iftor I actually made sandwiches for myself while the rest ate home cooked rice.

I have a problem. In which I run from what appears to be good things. It happened when I was a student, when I was a houseman, and now when I'm an MO. I don't know how to fix this. Good things are good for me, generally speaking. Makes you a better person. But I sort of feel like it'd make me a boring person. Well.. boring is subjective, so I should change my definition of boring, but still. Maybe that's why I'm running?

I like to think that I'm a good person myself, a good person who is attracted to bad things. Like how I'm a closeted fujoshi? (Not so closeted now that I'm writing it here, but it's not like anyone's reading this.) Maybe I like challenges?

Anyway. I don't think I'm going to just.. embrace and accept the good things. Because I have this very inert urge to just run away from it. So yeah. As of now we're still going nowhere with this issue.

Is it a comeback

I'm postcall.
I didn't sleep well last night, had a trauma case later after midnight.
I worked per usual today.
Went for iftor with V and Subiha at Imago after work.
Later at night I'm back at my place.

So why am I still not asleep at past midnight?

I just wasted 4 hours doing nothing

Facebook is for attention hog, but I am one but still with humility intact, so here I am ranting in my blog hoping someone will care. Well they don't, but I need to get this out anyway.

I live in my room alone. I have housemates but I'm embarrassed by my lack of social activism compared to them so I don't deal with them much beside coming and going from my room. To be frank I meet them more at work than I do at ho- I mean at this place.

I'm carefully avoiding the word home here, because home is Lundang. Second is my car. Third is my hospital.

And as history from my second year in Egypt has proven, I cannot live alone. I need a roommate. I just need a physical human sitting in the same room, we can do nothing, I just need someone around. I need to be with another human or I'll become useless. So recklessly useless.

But I'm stuck in my room because I don't have anyone nearby I want to hang out with. When I'm tired of this room I'll head to my car and go somewhere, but still I'll be alone in my car, going to somewhere alone.

I need a partner. That's the whole 2018 resolution. But I'm not doing anything to actively find and have one.

What am I doing.

Yeah Maisarah lives half hour drive away. She's a friend but not a partner level, especially not now that she's married, she's dutifully occupied with her work and her LDR husband.

Partner level is like Umair. If only Umair lives nearby, I'd be crashing at her place now and then. Like EOD.

Living in Sabah is like living in Egypt all over again. I still need to be somewhere by 8am. All that freedom without my parents around. Ease of transportation.

Except I don't have a partner like when I was in Egypt.

I need help. Please advice. 

Partner goal

Get yourself a partner you will fight the whole world for, and he for you. Who you will go through hell for, who you will protect with all that you have.

Like Steve and Bucky. They're my favourite now.

"If you don't love me now, you will never love me again"

Usually when I have two weekends off, I'd be in some jungle somewhere dunked in the river. You won't be hearing from me.

But lately I'm confined to Kota Kinabalu. It's either because my friends come to play or I'm too cheapskate to go out. I'm going through a pretty rough financial time now, so bad I can't afford this September exam unless I tap into my emergencies. But exams are not emergencies. Or that's just me excusing myself from studying.

Anyway, back to me not going anywhere. This week it's because I'm sick. Like really. Yesterday I had to take Paracetamol and Clarinase before I could tolerate getting up. Today I had to get up because there's too many clogs up my nose into my brain and the amount was too much for my tissues to handle, and the colour was greenish.

I had no choice but to start antibiotics on me. Lucky for me I had Augmentin stashed for these kind of days. I hated doing that because I'm a failure at swallowing medicine. That Panadol coated and small, yeah? I had to bite them into two three pieces before they will go down. What more that chunk of Augmentin... Why couldn't they be pills?

An hour later the symptoms improved so much, I could do laundry, I watched two movies on my laptop (genius), I almost complete my sorting out pictures on the computer. And only then I realized I'm stuck with this for a whole week.

I can't do commitments. What makes you think I can comply with this thing twice a day for a week?

When you work with kids and it's raining every evening

It's almost like I'm nursing a flu every two months, each lasting a week or so. It's not fun.

I feel sorry when people have to nurse themselves better, because I suck at that. I'll take a Clarinase when I can't breathe from all the clogs and I'd get up to drink when my throat hurts that much from coughing.

My stomach is growling. I need to get up and cook something... But my head hurts.

It's shaping into a beautiful day

Hello, good morning.

Today I woke up in pain and hemorrhaging. I picked myself up from the bed and contemplated calling in sick today, but it's clinic day with emergency and elective OT going on, we'd be short handed so I can't.

I took 1.5g of Paracetamol on empty stomach instead of the recommended 1g and the pain slowly became tolerable.

I went to shower but the water ran out on me and I only had half a medium-sized pail to shower with. I took one anyway.

Then I made breakfast and accidentally touched the hot metal. All my eight months of burn management experience went to waste because there was no running water. I belatedly remember we still had drinking water and only then did I wash my thumb. It still stings.

And my stomach still hurts.

I look forward to the end of the day.

"I bid you good luck and farewell, morons. Byeee." -Thor, Infinity War

I was watching Infinity War for the second time because it has been nagging at the back of my mind. Thor is a favourite, with his regal words and all. And it helps that Hemsworth is so worth it with his new haircut.

Having an elegant thesaurus puts you at a regal status compared to the rest of commoners. It takes a lot of wit to curse someone in a subtle manner, understood only by people of equal wit.

Dwarf: It will kill you.
Thor: Only if I die.
Dwarf deadpanned: That's what "killing you" means.

Thor made his Wakanda Battle appearance.

Oh and I still hate Peter Quill.

---

When I walked out into the deserted carpark, some car with three dudes in it started their car. My wariness level shot up and I realized I left my Swiss knife in my car.

Everything was well, but I realised I need to buy pen knife keychain and hook it to my car keys.

See you

In some aspect of life, especially pertaining things I'm not well versed at, I'd make the decision by saying to myself

"If Allah make X happen, then I'll do Y."

For example, "If I meet him here today, I'll get serious about this."

That's immaturely indecisive, I know. It's a leap I'm not brave enough to take and I needed divine intervention since no one is actually doing the pushing.

But then Allah didn't make X happen but I still won't give up on the idea of Y, so I said to myself "maybe the timing isn't right" and just keep the idea at the back of my mind.

On the other hand, I'm always at a parallel path with Luqman. It's really easy to come across him even if I don't mean to.

For example, today. I had a flight to catch in the afternoon so in the morning I brought out my care package for the bosses in Anggerik. Luqman was postcall today and when I parked at the hospital, I saw his car at his usual surgeon spot. It was 9am and the only reason he would still be around if he's asleep, so I messaged him asking him that.

He didn't read the message, which was a given. I should have called, but I'm not one to call unless it's urgent.

I went to Anggerik, settled my things there. Went back to the car to get another package and walked back to the ward.

That's when I saw him coming my way. And I grinned to myself. I didn't think I would see him today, but I did. And it occurred to me I always meet him when I come back to Kelantan even without going the extra mile to do so. He's always in my path.

He asked me what I was doing. I told him I just finished giving out packages at Anggerik and now heading to Ortho.

"I was expecting you to ring me yesterday, but you didn't. I was free."

He's that kind of person who remembers his friends, likes to surround himself with his friends, and I wonder if he even do things alone. So it didn't surprise me that he would remember I told him when I met him in Sabah that I'd ring him on his oncall, which I almost did yesterday, but then I remember that I don't ring people on their oncalls for personal reason.

Wow. I've a lot of excuses. Someone should call me out on my bullshits.

He asked me out for breakfast. Of course I said yes.

At breakfast, it was him, Ikhlas, Amru and I. I didn't talk to Ikhlas, I've never known him professionally nor personally, I only knew his name and some few gossips on him. I answered Amru while eating my toast and sipping my Milo. But most of the talking I did was with Luqman.

The table was a mismatched group of smokers and a girl and the only reason I was at the table was him. The only reason why Atiqah would meet Ikhlas and/or Amru and/or any guys of the Surgical Brotherhood is because Luqman was there. And it was amusing how Luqman would start a conversation with Amru, then turned to me, then to Ikhlas.

It occurred to me that this guy is a good liaison. I was reminded of that first time we went riding and had a serious not serious life conversation that ended with him declaring I am an interesting person. That must have been the reason he keeps me in his loop of friends.

It was then 10.30am when I finished the last of my Milo. I told him I have to go. He told me to leave the bills to him. I 5en got up and left, not looking back.

It was good to see him. When I first moved to Sabah he told me to call him if anything, but I never did. The only conversation I had with him afterwards was when we meet up front and the occasional messaging. He's moving to Selangor for his Masters program end of this month, so I probably won't be seeing him when I go back to Kelantan anymore. I gave him his annual care package when I met him in the hallway, but I'm not sure about next year.

Will he still be in my path then? I'm not sure. But I'll miss this brother of mine for sure.

"Mustaqim is the mother of all pranks"

051215

Me calling OT to inform a semi-emergency case.

Male over the other side: OT Intan. Boleh saya bantu?
Me: Hai saya Dr. Atiqah dari Paed Surgical, nak inform OT satu case.
Male: Sekejap ye saya panggil MO Anaes.
Female voice over the other side: Saya Dr. Afifah. Kes ape ye?
Me: Kami nak buat relaparotomy for a 16 days old baby-
Anaes: Relaparotomy? Bahaya tu.
Me: Ah memang. So the baby is a Malay girl, IC-
Anaes: Baby tu comel ke?
Me: Haha dia comel (apehal Anaes malam ni?)
Anaes: Sape nak buat?
Me: Mr. Tarmizi.
Anaes: Siapa MO oncall malam ni?
Me: Dr. Zafran.
Anaes: Dr. Zafran yang mana satu ye?
Me: MO Paed Surgical 3 orang je. Dia yang tak pakai spek.
Anaes: Paed Surgical ada sorang Chinese dan dua Indian kan?
Me: Erk. Dua Melayu dan sorang Indian. Dr. Zafran yang gelap sikit.
Anaes: Oooh saya tertukar ingatkan dia Indian.
Me: Hahaha. Okay pasal kes ni-
Suara Anaes bertukar menjadi lelaki yang too familiar: Atiqah, awak call dalam OT la cakap dengan Anaes. Kirim salam dekat Zafran.
Me: My God Dr. Mustaqim!!!!

Moral of the story. There's price to pay when you introduce yourself in the very first place...

Recalled this to my Paed MO.
Luqman after laughing at me: Awak pun layan je Anaes tu.
Me: How should I know! I listen to my MOs...

---

Two years later, 110917

Today I am on leave but came to hospital to settle whatever to settle before I leave. Then an unidentified number called my phone. I picked it up.

Me: Hello.
Caller: Hello, ni Dr. Atiqah ke?

I couldn't tell this was a guy or a girl calling. Sounded suspicious though, somewhat familiar.

Me: Ye saya.
Caller: Dr. Atiqah Surgery kan sekarang?
Me: Ya, ada ape ye?
Caller: Saya HO Uro nak discuss kes dengan doktor.

I laughed out loud. I knew it!

Me: Uro kenapa call saya haha call la Luqman MO awak. Request pelik2 ni biasanya Mustaqim je suka prank orang. Ni Mustaqim ke?

Pemanggil gelak dan kembali kepada suaranya yang sebenar. "Haha kerja ke harini Tiqah?"

Finally I have redeemed myself after so long kena ngenak dengan sek2 ni hahahahaha.

Like any other morning

Met Kak Ulya who was oncall with me two days ago after I punched in.

Me: Hi Kak Ulya.
Kak Yuya squinted to look at me: Postcall ke?

If it's any other morning where I have breakfast later, I wouldn't question it. But I got up earlier today and had coffee and oatmeal already.. Do I still look like shit?

Kids are the real drama queens

On my way out of the ward, I heard my patient screamed in agony. It was from the first cubicle where it housed Amanda and Iqhwan, and the scream was that of an anguished boy.

It must be Iqhwan. He's a stoic kid who wouldn't talk to us and always had a lot of one ringgit bills with him. Yesterday he had all his one ringgit bills on the bed and turned it into a funny bedsheet.

He had liver injury grade V from a domestic injury about two weeks ago and we just off his analgesic. Was he in pain? Or worse, did he fall and his liver bled again?

I walked steadily towards him. I saw the boy crouching on the floor near the edge of his bed, screaming like the world ending. And I saw his mother sitting cross legged on the bed, looking at him with nothingness in her eyes. Ah.

"What's wrong with him?"

"He's angry that his KFC is still on the way."

He was noisy. I told him to stop screaming. He kept on screaming. I pulled out a one ringgit bill from my nametag and told him

"If you stop screaming I'll give you this."