i love to stay and chat but i need to talk to her about work please

Miss asked me to check how many cases we have for radioconference today, so I picked up the phone and called Radio counter. Guy said Dr. Hazwani was in charged and that I could find her in the reporting room perhaps.

I asked the reporting room extension number and gave it a ring. It was promptly answered with a voice I remember fondly. 

"Hi, Radiology. Dr. Hannan bercakap."

"Hannan, Atiqah ni." I found myself grinning. 

stop wasting people's time

Last night I was as usual, need to study for OT but fuck it I watched Sherlock instead.

Then I woke up for work. Did my rounds and then studied a little on the course of IJV. Just a bit. 

Then Mr. Fitri came and did the CVL insertion. He looked up in the middle of OT and asked

"Tell me the anatomy of the neck."

Fuck.

"Tell me the triangles, boundaries, contents."

"Anterior and posterior triangle..." Separated by SCM and then what? Fuck.

"Still waiting."

I gave up. "Sorry. I don't remember. I don't want to goreng."

He didn't say anything. 

Towards the end of the OT, he said something that made me want to die that instance. Without looking up from the surgical field he said

"I'm not a good mentor. Saya tak tahu nak ajar apa. So saya tanya je soalan yang saya rasa boleh ditanya."

Fuck this Atiqah. Just quit and not waste anyone's time, let's not waste this good man's time. 

I scrubbed out once we were done and found Tharisini writing up her op notes. 

"Hi babe how are you?" She was cheerful in her loud voice as usual. 

"I'm so frustrated with myself because I couldn't answer Mr. Fitri's questions."

"Biasa dah tu we're all like that."

"I thought I don't care but apparently I do care. It felt like I disappointed Mr. Mughni. I feel so... bad. If Mr. Fitri was a little meaner I wouldn't really feel this bad. But he's a good person."

I then turned to the computer to write my op note. "I need to chill but I don't know how. Usually my way of chilling is terjun sungai but there's no sungai here. I'm imagining I'm submerged under water now. I want to scream."

As I was scrubbing in for the next op, my surgeon walked to scrub beside me with a sighy "Atiqah, Atiqah."

I turned to look at him. And just stared silently while I scrubbed my hands. Just a silent stare not even a smile behind my mask. Yeah I'm frustrated too. Like I knew this would happen but I still don't want to study so how? 

Thank you Mr. Fitri for trying. I'm sorry you got yourself a lousy mentee. I should go die now. 

look who picked me up

I was walking to work per usual istighfaring because I have nothing but resentment in me. Passed the large bin, walked onto the road to avoid a puddle when I saw from the corner of my eyes a white car stopped beside me and pulled the window down.

I saw it was a male smiling at me and I thought it was my surgeon probably questioning why am I walking to work. So I turned to face the person and I freezed.

"Hey Tiqah!"

Propped out through the window was the sunshine. Arm on the window still with the happiest face I saw that week. The familiar wavy hair and the familiar smile. His cheeks fuller than the last time I saw him in January 2020 though, I guess he does diet only intermittently. 

He looked so happy.. to see me? I was stunned. Why?

"Masuk la." He grinned. 

"Hey." I hadn't had my coffee and wasn't as hyper as he was. I was lucky to have worn a mask and then I remembered to smile. 

Yesterday he suddenly texted me asking when will I be in HTA because he just started his 3 weeks rotation here before going to HKL. I remember replying cheerily that I'll be sure to take up his offer of free lunch. But I didn't expect to actually see him because we both know we are fucking harmless flirt. 

"Jom la." He gestured to his car, motioning that he was holding the traffic up. 

I hesitated. The door closest to me was the back door and should I just get in there? But this is not a taxi driver. This is the guy I really like. Liked. Who knows. 

I went around the car and got into his passenger seat. 

--

First thing I did was glance at him. Yup, that's him. He had a really nice watch on. Wearing a scrub shirt with his name embroidered. And then I turned to see if the car has a sunroof. Yup, sunroof present. White Kia Rio with a sunroof, plate number... I never remember. Raya 2017 he actually made me memorise this. 

"Kau still guna kereta lama kau."

"Yup."

He asked me where did I stay. "Nearby. 10 minutes walk je."

I then asked him isn't he late still driving at 7.30am and what time he clocks in. 

"8 pagi la." 

"Straight to your station? Takde passover?" 

"Haah. Kau?" 

"7.30am. I think."

"Jadi kau dah lambat la. Tak merah ke punch card kau?" 

"Surgeon aku suruh be in ward by 7.30am but senior aku punch in 8 plus. And tak pernah pun punch card aku merah though aku punch in around 7.45am."

Why am I talking about work????? I changed the subject. "How's life? Seronok duduk KL?" 

"Okay je." He laughed. 

I wanted to ask if he found a hobby yet but I was such a lame soul. He asked me why didn't I drive so I told him I haven't gotten around to get the access card for parking yet and I ended not bothering with it. 

He asked where should he drop me off. I was thinking of getting off when he parked and we catch the lift together but I think he was concerned that I was late to punch in. He asked of main lobby is okay. Main lobby is good. 

I pulled out my phone. "Selfie jom. I wanna send to Savinder." Not exactly, it was for my sake. I just felt like I probably won't see him again. 

"Gelap!" He then turned the lights on. And I pulled my mask off. And we smiled into the camera and he suggested I get off fast, fearing holding up traffic. But the picture came out blurry. 

"Sorry gotta reshoot. Gegar."

"Gegar la dah kau nervous!" 

I almost uprolled my eyeballs with a quip "Don't flatter yourself." Dude hasn't changed, still knows I like him and fucking feeding on it, jokingly or not. 

It turned out well. I got off and thanked him. Later I sent the pic to Savinder and a copy to him, wishing him a good day.

I wasn't late to work at all. In fact, springing to work. Should have gave him my Essenso 2 in 1. 

can i die

I hate my life now. I hate living in KL. I hate the traffic, I hate that I'm seeing buildings in every corner and i hate that i live in 14th floor yet i can still hear the traffic and traffic and traffic and traffic

I want to live where birds are singing. I dont want to live here. 

My work is not hard. Im not studying, you know how I  am. I've been in a roller coaster of emotion past 3 months here and the only thing consistent is that i want to quit. I want to quit before i waste more of my time, of anyone's time.

Everytime i say about quitting my family will tell me to hold on, to study well, that i can do it. My seniors are saying im having a bad case of adjustment disorder and that im a good doctor and they know i can do this. 

I think so, maybe i can do this. But i dont want to do this. I hate living in KL. I really hate living in KL.

Today i was driving from my uncle's place in semenyih. It's a peaceful home with birds singing in the day. When i drove back to KL i was dreading all the way and wishing i get into a fatal accident and im tearing up now. I hate living like this.

contract marriage

Hey there, hear me out for a bit? Be my sounding board and tell me what you think?

Let's say you have a long term relationship. You're comfortable with them, you don't fancy the in-laws but they's okay. After 4 years together, you know them, they seems ready for you and you proposed albeit half-heartedly. Okay, even less than that. You proposed because people pestered you and because you've been together long and if you didn't want to be with them then you shouldn't be with them and let someone else have them.

So you proposed. They accepted in one go, prenup was that it lasted 4 years and maximum 7 years, if you bail out the fine is 350k. 

You waited on it but felt pressured to say yes to it, because it was who proposed in the first place. So you said yes and by God have never regretted anything more than that, but you can't take it back. And you proceeded with marriage. 

And it's been almost 3 months. You're present when you're with them, but can't wait to get away. Your lone time stretches and stretches and you rather not be with them because.. I don't know. You liked the carefree life before? You don't deserve them? Felt like you settled? But it's not like you have other options beside them.

Help me.

nowadays i drink essenso 2 in 1

A medical colleague walked into the elevator I was in and I nodded my head in acknowledgement. We were in silence for a few seconds before he pops out a question.

"Do you know where the new coffee machine is?"

I pulled out my earphone and contemplated my answer. I know where they are from walking all over the hospital for my oncalls, but I don't want to promote a coffee that tasted watered down. You're better off drinking Essenso 2-in-1s.

So I told him where the two machines are. Then we arrived at my floor and I nodded again in adieu. Didn't wish him enjoy his CoffeeBot because you won't catch me drinking that. 

you did a good job

Yesterday in OT we were doing a tubularise incised plate urethroplasty for a 10yo kid who had subcoronal hypospadias with whole wound breakdown post MAGPI procedure.

Mr Fitri trimmed the skin and dartos nicely. There was a small skin loose end at one part that he seemed to didn't care and I used my pickup to flip the end silently. Just flipping it here, there, glaring at it annoyingly but not saying anything to my surgeon. He looked on in equal silence and got my message. He then took a tenotomy scissor and trimmed the end. 

I wanted to laugh at the absurdity that was me. But I'm a person who work in silence so I didn't. 

He then said to me that he wanted to try doing the urethral suturing interrupted instead of continuous and he asked me if he should. 

I paused for a moment. Why is this surgeon asking me. 

"I've... I've never seen anyone do it interruptedly. If so, how close should your stitches be? The next layer will be suture line on top of suture line right, wouldn't that increase risk for fistula?" 

"What do you mean?" 

"You're going to close the next layer midline as well, correct?" 

"Yes." 

"So the skin suture line will be on the uretheral suture line. If the wound breaks down, wouldn't that be a fistula?"

He was silent. I hurriedly added "But I wouldn't know." Cause man, I don't know shit. I'm not someone who has done a urethroplasty, I just assisted... Few. But who am I kidding, I like urethroplasty the best. The on-table creative decision is so fulfilling. 

He proceeded to do the suturing continuously and I'm like... Did I just doubted a surgeon? Hahaha wth I don't care anymore. 

He was done in around 30minutes. Although I barely did anything, I felt a swell of pride and fulfilment at how nice the outcome was. I wanted to say "cantik" but I felt like he knows that already and I didn't want him to think I'm licking his ass, so I didn't. 

In restrospect I should have told my surgeon he did a really nice job. Everyone deserves to hear they did a nice job. 

of course i can do it, it's just i don't want this unhappy life

I need to be kinder to myself because who else is. My stuffy nose is giving me headache and I don't know where I stashed my PCM, so here goes me hiding in the surau cause the rest of the hospital is freezing cold.

I'm a good doctor. I know things, not much, but enough to not kill patients.

On Sunday when I was oncall, ED referred me a perianal abscess in our POD 40 transanal pullthrough. Child not septic and I've never seen one before, but I know this is his coloanal anastomosis leaking and he has a pelvic collection that trickles down to manifest as a gluteal abscess. I presented so to Mr. Fitri and he agreed that we need an ultrasound next morning to confirm. 

That morning the rest of the MOs asked me why I label him as pelvic collection when the thing looks like a regular gluteal abscess, my answer is that when you have an anastomotic leak that low in the pelvic, they manifest with tachycardia a bit, fever here and there as per Mr Mughni taught me. Just small things, until the collection is big enough to manifest externally. Kid ended up with a stoma and I&D. 

And then we had a POD 4 transanal pullthrough (stoma down) girl who was discharged that morning and came back that night with persistent vomiting. I admitted her thinking of enterocolitis ddx adhesion obstruction and wanted an AXR cause I need to figure why she's vomiting. Mr. Fitri said to observe first since her vomiting was non billious and her abdomen wasn't distended. 

Turns out her vomiting persist to high billious output during the next 4 days she was warded. We ended up doing an ultrasound (which showed TZ at jejunum) followed by an AXR the next day where we saw her small bowel centrally dilated with paucity distal bowel. We did adhesiolysis for her. 

Kirosha applauded me for being right. In retrospect I should have said to Mr. Fitri that I needed an AXR to rule out proximal small bowel obstruction since her abdomen wasn't distended. 

Today morning I presented a systematic review critic for laparoscopic versus open appendicectomy for complicated appendicitis in children. 

What happened was that after breaking my brain half heartedly looking for a paper, I decided on the topic yesterday evening and got complained by my surgeon "esok nak present kenapa petang ni baru tanya". Sorry miss but I have been searching few days and can't find a better one. Been mentally preparing myself for the past 1 week but here we are.. 

She said to go with it. So I went back around 6pm, dinner and date with Jehoon until 9pm plus, and only around 11pm did I open my laptop to study the CASP checklist on criticising a systematic review. Thank you Ms Doon for teaching me this thing exists and it was actually my first time using it. I finished my slides close to 2am and slept until 7am. 

And then I presented. I was preparing my script for the presentation opening with "I'm not good at this but I should start somewhere" but I didn't say those. I didn't do badly, I think it was okay. We had a good discussion.  

Perhaps these people are right. I can do this. But hey the issue nowadays is not that I cannot do this, it's that I don't want to do this. 

But I'm still here. I'm still taking one step at a time. Like that time I hiked up Maliau Rim feeling so mad because I didn't want to but I still made it up there, cursing and all. What now? 

To be a surgeon is to be a better doctor. It's a different standard. I have to improve. 

#jaditraineetiadaharapan

Last week I was in OT assisting my surgeon with a urethral stricture surgery. He was asking me to straighten the penis up so he could make a straight cut, and his words to me were

"Atiqah tolong tegakkan bird tu sekejap."

I did as instructed but inward was sighing. People been referring to him as Bebird King because he does a lot of hypospadias surgery but help me God I felt triggered whenever I hear that term. 

You see, I like birds. Literal birds, the ones flying freely and always so elusive and mocking me with their lovely songs. Not this. Penis is not a bird. Why do we term them birds. I wanted to complain so much but I shouldn't make a fuss but dear God it happened last week and I'm still thinking about it.

I want to go birding so bad. 

elango belanja saya makan

On this blessed Friday my registrar bought me lunch and we had a deep conversation about life over ayam penyet and teh c ais kosong.

The good thing for me is that I have known these people from when I was a service MO. They're the only ones I can talk to now that I've joined them in the program, whose questions of "are you okay" I could answer long and truthfully.

He's figuratively patting me on the back because to them I'm a "hardworking, responsible person, although sometimes can be kepochi". I don't feel that about myself. What does kepochi means anyway.

Good advice on to quit now rather than wait for whatever. "Don't think about others, don't think about who's going to do oncalls" at this point I laughed because that's so me. I should just die. 

"Be careful of the young surgeons. They collectively give you a bad assessment but never said anything in front of you. The only good person here (in the fraternity) is Mr. Mughni. He's like the badan berkecuali."

"But don't worry. What happened to me won't happen to you. I know."

How do you know? I want to know what makes people think I can make it. But Elango just told me he knows and to trust him. 

"There are other ways to become a paediatric surgeon, and you wouldn't have to be attached to these fucked up people."

Good morning, 2022

I wrote this on December 20th but I kept it on my phone unpublished because I hope the feelings will change. It hasn't, as I woke up today staring at the ceiling wanting to stab myself in the heart.

---

Today I woke up regretting that I had another day alive. I then walked to work hoping something bad happens to me and I die on my way. My eyes watered thinking my mom would probably cry, but I hope I don't survive. 

I crossed the road safely looking right and left. I made it to work and I punched in. 

And I greeted my colleagues and staffs and worked like nothing was wrong. I even had lunch because we were in clinic and my surgeon told us to go have lunch before facing the evening crowd. 

Work done around 5.30pm. I hung around to make sure nothing was needed of me. And then I went for prayers. I thought I should wire my money to my baby sister and some to my brothers. To my uncle who works harder than me with six mouths to feed but his pay just barely one fourth of me. 

I should go up to the roof again but the place is covered and barely any sunlight be seen. 

And as I walked back, I wondered if a person could just die suddenly. If I were to work and just suddenly collapse in the ward. Will they successfully revive me or would I just pass on? I hope I pass on. What would the cause be put? I wonder if they would talk about me, how they think I look thinner, how I've always been quiet and just do my job. 

They will, people always think they know you. But here I was, functioning but oh how I wish I'm dead. 

Mom would cry and I wish I could talk to her but nah they wouldn't get it. Talking to them will make me even sadder. I should just get my will sorted out and go somewhere far and quiet to go. Some place I wouldn't be a nuisance. 

I wish to die but I wouldn't harm myself. It's illegal. But I'm going to sleep now. I hope I don't wake up at all. 

I love you and will always thank you. 

Atiqah

i wish we will always be kind

The first time I needed help on a personal level in HTA was when I was oncall first time there but I forgot my charger at home. 

My battery was around half when I asked for help from my Ward 11A staffs that night, if anyone has a type C charger. I was met with frowning eyes and harsh tones "dah tahu oncall kenapa tak bawa charger".

That happened last week but even writing this now made me cry. It will always hurts how deeply those words cut. 

I left the ward. I asked the guard up front if she had a type C cable. Although she was echoing the same eyes and tone, she showed me her charger to see whether it was what I needed. It wasn't. I thanked her and left. 

I went to Ward 11D but I stopped myself from asking the staffs because although I feel the staffs in 11D were nicer than in 11A, I didn't want to risk experiencing the same thing not so soon. Then I remembered there were Ortho HOs in that ward usually stationed at the computer station behind the counter so I went there.

It was empty, but there was a charger at the power point below the computer. I went for it and it was a type C. Thank God... I stayed there for a while to charge my phone. It was just a short while before I had to leave. 

I was in the procedure room looking for a vein when my battery died. It was almost 4am and I didn't even rest save for praying Asar, Maghrib and Isya in one sitting at 9pm before going to ED. I left the ward and ran to 11D to look for that charger but it wasn't there. I guess the owner went to rest and took it with him/her. 

Then I realised the people who would definitely have a charger in the hospital are the patients. Realising that, I went inside every cubicle, during that 4am, asking every awake mom if she has a type C charger. Every single one of those awake mother would, without asking any question, show me their charger to see if it was what I needed. 

It was the fourth mother I approached who had a type C charger. Cheah's mother. I borrowed it, got a half full, before I dropped it back in her paper bag because she was back asleep by the time I was done. 

So Dear Atiqah,

whenever anyone need your help, don't question their need. Just help or do not. Imagine them being you and how much it takes for you just to ask, so please always be kind. 

Be kind because Allah has been kind to you, be kind because people have been kind to you. And I will always be kind to you. I promise I will always be kind to you. 

Just don't expect the same from anyone else and you'll be okay. It's okay. We're gonna be alright. 

payau masak kicap

Atteh's father is previously a hunter and they grew up on game meat in Kinabatangan. He said his mom is famous for payau masak kicap and that that's his favourite.

That night we went for dusk safari before dinner and we kept seeing sambar deer. But all I could see was payau masak kicap. 

salut d'amour

Today I passed in front of one of the patients' room and I heard salut d'amour playing from a child's music box. 

The room was occupied by a 2 months old Chinese patient who had an eventful neonatal period with multiple surgeries done, and this time presented with another pathology. 

The child was being discharged today and I thought, how classy. I passed in front of it few more times because it's one of my favourite piece (I particularly enjoy Itzhak Perlman's recording) and I always listen to it whenever I want to feel loved. 

The child must have been so loved.