how to survive master training

Today I wasn’t feeling any chatty and stayed in my room all day alternating between writing and watching oppa. I missed Syukri’s call on purpose before I saw his messages asking opinion on a case, so I returned his call because I shouldn’t be a jerk to Syukri.

So tonight after the email came confirming my interview, I texted Kak Paan for Tips How To Excel The Interview. And I sent the same text to Pre who gave me great advice. Kak Paan suggested I ask Luqman as well and actually I didn’t consider asking him because I don’t know, it’s a 50-50 with Luqman nowadays. He might call and I wasn’t feeling chatty.

Bugger called me like 2 minutes after I sent him that text. He’s old, he doesn’t text well I guess.

After his customary asking how was KK, how was everyone at work, he asked about me. Apparently he didn’t know I sat for the MedEx or that I applied for the program.

“You’re doing the interview? I thought you’re having second thoughts about the program. I didn’t even know you took MedEx.”

I told him there are things I can only do when I become a surgeon, so I decided I should just become a surgeon.

“Sounds big.”

“It is.” Since I haven’t found a reason to live for myself, I might as well live for others.

Anyhow the old fart said he couldn’t give me any tips for the interview because he also didn’t know how to excel the interview. He told me to ask Pre and to ask Vicky who probably can dish out elaborate mighty tips.

Well Vicky didn't disappoint. 

“Be yourself but bit more impressive.
Enjoy your time Sabah before going into the program, but just because you’re in it doesn’t mean you won’t get to do things you enjoy.
Don’t worry, don’t worry, take the interview as an opportunity.”

The rest of his advices were How To Live Through The Program kind of advice.

“Take everything with a grain of salt.
Keep a clear head.
Don’t get distracted.
Do things that only benefit you.”

“I’m planning to do 90% listening and 10% talking for the rest of my career.”

“Make that 95-5.”

“Okay will do.”

He concluded with "call your parents for blessings and call your teachers, Mr. Tar." knowing full well I'm a shitty person who has a perversion to calling people. 

I've decided long ago that whatever happens, happens for the best. And that Luqman told me before i went for Sabah that "your time will come". And that I'm going to conclude my interview this Saturday with "thank you for the opportunity."
 

As Dong-hoon said, "It's not a big deal."

time spent versus time left

My parents said I can do it.
My surgeon said I can do it.
So why am I not doing it?

I am unmotivated. I realize I do not have a set of goals. How do you even start?

Talking to dad or Luqman will conclude the same thing. That I’m an adult who should decide my future myself. Luqman just few days ago gave me that vague advice, summarized as “follow your hunch” and I don’t feel like answering his call that followed after.

My hunch was to turn to MIASA. Is there someone I can call? I clicked on one video about steps to get help. The president said to get a mental health assessment done, that a severe assessment warrant a referral to a psychiatrist, that the only one valid to diagnose you is a clinical psychologist, and that not getting help will actually makes things worse.

I did get a mental health screening done but I didn’t follow up with a referral. I just lived poorly. I should have gotten help instead of living the past two years so fleetingly.

But a few years wasted is nothing compared to few more years to live.
Provided you want to have few more years and you want to live them, that is.

There’s that little voice again.
But it’s a little voice, there’s still the bigger voice.
Let’s get that help now.

So I Googled things. But they’re all superficial and vague. Then I asked Kak Ellina if she has ten year goals and she asked me how do I see myself in ten years.

I was thinking how to reply. Should I admit that I’m living day by day, barely a plan, don’t even see myself in two months what more ten years?

She then shared me hers. It was good goals.

DASS test taken

19 March 2019 - severe stage of depression, severe level of anxiety, very severe stress level.

7 June 2021 - very severe stage of depression, very severe level of anxiety, severe stress level.

I think there was one we took in between with results better than the first one. 

Added on the Copenhagen Burnout Inventory 

7 June 2021 - severe level of personal burnout, severe level of work burnout, normal level of client burnout.

For easy reference, next time let's just follow up with the questionnaire from Sg. Buloh, take the healthcare one.

What now?

cv what

Today I was updating my CV for UM and my thoughts were

We definitely could have done better

This amount to shit

What have you done with your life

What do you even want

Lucky you have a permanent post. Imagine having to renew yearly contract based on this shit

Am I being too hard on myself? Am I my own doom? 

Perhaps. It's best to be the end of yourself. 

Cmon let's do better. 

lies people tell

I was driving back from McD for supper when mom called. She said Mira and Along just called asking how's dad post vaccine. Ah you stupid lousy daughter.

Anyway. Conversations conversations. Then I told mom MedEx result will be out in a week. I asked her to pray for me.

"Semoga lulus exam."

"Semoga cepat dapat jodoh." I smirked.

"Semoga cepat balik semenanjung."

I asked her should I apply for transfer after the exam result or should I wait for master. Mom asked how did Fadhly do it? 

The first second after she asked that was me wondering who is this Fadhly she's talking about before I realised she was talking about Pali. I grinned. I have gone old and senile. 

So I told her he applied from Queen. Then I overheard mom talking to dad and they concluded I should wait for master.

I grinned. It felt like a trap. The thing is, Hadi said I should wait for the exam first before sending in my transfer request. And so I did. And now?

As Hannan said "Berapa lama lagi nak stay Sabah".

I don't know. Here I am complacent. I should go somewhere and challenge myself.

But let's talk about the second prayer. That was more interesting. 

As usual she never leave off that one. The reason I was smirking was because it can't be helped, I know exactly why I'm single. I'm a superficial bastard nowadays, I go for the eye candies and stay for the partnership. 

"Takde ke kawan dekat-dekat?"

Faces of whatever guys around me flashed through my mind but actually there was none. What guys around me? I don't mix work with pleasure. The face that did flash through my mind was Lee Je Hoon's. My grin got bigger. I was so screwed. Poor mom. 

So I replied to mom "Takde. Ika memilih sangat."

im high on dumplings

Ohayou!!!! Okay it's not morning but I don't know it just feels like.

Anyway it was a long OT day. I didn't want to scrub in because my stomach hurts and I broke my fast with chocolate drink and water so I was looking forward to ciao to go grab real food although idk what to eat. 

Funny thing though everyone left and it was me over the shoulder of my surgeon closing the abdomen while another MO assisted. I was criticising her closing in my head like the idiot I am haha. And then surgeon asked me "kenapa awak tak balik lagi?" 

It caught me off guard. I stayed because my surgeon hasn't left the elective OT yet. But if she's implying I should go home now by all means bye. 

I was already dressed when Naveena came in at 8pm with the Pizza Hut ordered for us. I stayed to eat but it left me longing for more. Although I had 2 slices, 4 pieces of garlic bread and downed a whole bowl of mushroom soup, I realised it wasn't to my taste.

So I went to Bataras and bought frozen dumpling and juice and had them for supper while joining the TPN webinar and watching Hot Stove League. It was niceeeeee I like dumplings so much. Such delicate flavour. Ahh chicken and prawn, what a delight. Which idiot made meat dumplings over the raya and made me suffer? 

TCA 4 months

Hobbies

I wouldn't say this is a hobby but it's really what I'm doing with all my time, that is finishing Korean dramas

Since preparing for MedEx I have finished off Flower of Evil, My Mister, 18 Again, Sweet Home, It's Okay To Not Be Okay, Her Private Life, Move To Heaven, My Paparotti (a movie but yeah) and currently onto Hot Stove League. 

I should get a new hobby

Advantage

Can I write my advantage is that I don't care? It makes me fearless (to be mistaken for reckless and tactless) 

Disadvantage

No plans 

Anxiety

Always cold

Things I'm not good at

Cooking

Complex

I wanna talk to someone but I don't want to talk to anyone

Best 3 food

Egg fried rice with salmon and lots of chopped carrots and long beans

Miso shiru

Steamed dumpling

Worst 3 food

Peas

Taucu

Cheap mince meat

Favourite word

"Do you want me?" 

Favourite colour

Sky blue

Favourite song 

Laruku's 4th Avenue Cafe

Favourite type of people

Partner material

Cheeky smile with a sharp nose and that semi deep voice oh idk how to describe voice but I'm describing you Lee Je Hoon! 

Respected people

Parents

Current happiness

Lee Je Hoon

What I bought recently 

An outfit commemorating Hisashi's birthday

Hardest thing ever

To be a non picky eater

How to spend off days

Netflix

Places to visit 

Japan. I want seafood

What to challenge

Study more

I want to learn Japanese properly to read that book Prof gave me

And sign languages. Since I'm so quiet nowadays I might as well be mute eh

What I want to do with my friends

Just sit and be comfortable

syukri and I are vying for Anugerah MO Paling Sumbak

The other day we were discussing Chong the GS trainee final days and that he's going to Neurosurg next.

"Saya nak diorang buat craniectomy untuk Atiqah ni" Miss said.

The rest laughed. I started to protest but then I said 

"Ya craniectomy di lutut untuk kembalikan otak ke kepala."

today's webinar is Asia Trauma Collaboration on Damage Control Resus in Trauma

When my house got burned down, I had to pretend tough and still go to school amidst dealing with the aftermath. For that one month I was "why am I alive, this is bothersome, why didn't everything just end with the fire."

But then it was my Surgery lecture, discussing liver trauma and the words of my professor haunt me until this day.

"A living problem is better than a dead one."

Like. Why? 

I think the answer I found then was only 98% conclusive. Here I am. Always thinking why. 

Nowadays I tend to gravitate to trauma surgeries. Because the essence of trauma surgery is to do whatever to keep the patient alive. Even if you don't want to live, you have to save others' life and for them to keep living. 

"Get out with a live patient with whatever odd means

Then come back again with better odds"

just close ur eyes

I'm glad I've never loved anyone more than I love God, and God knows how little that is. I'm sorry. Such a useless servant.

This life, as it is, is so meaningless. 

atiqah and haru

So why is there Atiqah and there is Haru? 

The issue of needing an alias was because I was online and was playing Maple Story. I needed another name. 

I was into anime at that time so I decided to go Japanese. I chose the family name Mitsui because Hisashi is my first major crush who I wanted to be family with. (To this day I still, perhaps twice a year, play with the idea of meeting a basketball-playing Japanese guy and marrying him.)

My birthstone July is lapis lazuli and that's Ruri in Japanese. But the name is too girly. I decided on a unisex name and found Kaoru. I liked the name Kaoru Mitsui very much back then and used it a lot, sometimes shortened to Rue. I named my first gaming avatar as RueMitsui. I even shortened it based on goroawase, a common form of Japanese wordplay I learned from the anime Keroro Gunso, into 9631. 

9- Ko

6- Ro

3- Mitsu

1- Hi

And that's how my alternative email came to be. 

Alex is another name we came up with because we were naughty. Let's keep this one to ourselves and not write this one down. 

The second part was that I've always had a strong consciousness that I've been talking to and writing to. 

Pre blog days, from later primary school age when I still had my favourite olive Pikachu shirt that I wore down till it became a rag and sharing a room with Mira and Mak Lang. It started with me writing letters to myself, for my future self to read and make sense of all the thoughts and hopes and dreams in my head. I would write proper letters and kept them in an envelope, later a box. I don't know what happened to the letters now. 

I remember addressing all the letters to Atiqah. Atiqah writing a letter to Atiqah, Atiqah talking to Atiqah in the head. It was a conversation between Atiqah and Atiqah only. 

At some point, perhaps the loneliness of a misunderstood teen of later secondary school age, the person inside my head became the only person who I could really talk to. She was a full verbal bantering consciousness of different personality with her very own thoughts. She was calm when I was chaos translating to a different Atiqah that I show to the world. Like Sakura and her Inner Sakura. She became my crutch, my coping mechanism. The partner I didn't physically have. 

But naming her Inner Atiqah would sucks. She deserves a name. 

Then came Suzumiya Haruhi. There has never been a character I could relate to more than the eccentric, hardworking-but-never-been-thanked-by-anyone character who just wanted to be understood. I adopted the name immediately after and that's how Haru came to be. 

Nowadays I don't even know which one is Atiqah and which one is Haru but I put it as Atiqah is the front that we show to people and Haru is the one we kept to ourselves. Atiqah is the calm coward and Haru is the hellish hound. 

I don't hallucinate voices or images. I remain insightful that both are me. 

30 minutes and RM40

Had I known you'd be so happy from an express manicure and buffing, I would have get you one every week.

See my nails all clean and shinyyyyy. 

miss of ten years experience

She showed me Abe Khai's family raya photo. I was happy finally he has a kid. What a pretty daughter.

And then she surprised me with her words. She didn't think he should pursue masters program. Knowing him and the stress of doing the program, she didn't think he should go for it. He has a house, a car, finally a kid after many years of IVF, and a working wife. It wouldn't be easy to uproot everything. Why would he need to be a surgeon? 

I watched her silently.

Same as Vebster, she said. She didn't think he should be doing the program as well. Although he seemed keen, but he has a wife who depends on him.

"All the burdens on his shoulder, kids shackling one leg, wife another leg. The program is hard, the stress is real."

I continued watching her quietly. Should I ask? I should. 

"You think I should?"

"You should. You have no other commitments. If everyone else can, even while ongoing divorce, you should too."

if imaging decides a management, don't wait on it

I have two facts for you today.

1- Of all known diseases in the world including COVID, I hate SLE and neuroblastoma the most.

2- Our health system is overworked thus leading to backlogged cases. 

On my Friday 30.4.2021 oncall I clerked a 1 year 9 months old boy with abdominal mass that the mother noted as gradual distension for the past 2 weeks. The boy had hypertension. 

I primed the mother that we need to exclude the worst. 

On the same day we did ultrasound and it turned out suspicious of what I hated the most. 

I arranged for a CT scan for him. Radiologist said she will try to slot him next week so I primed the mother we aim to do his CT on Monday 3.5.2021 and biopsy him on Tuesday 4.5.2021. The ideal setting would be we discharge him post biopsy and see him back on Monday 10.5.2021 with the HPE report and plan for management. 

But they only managed to slot him for CT on Thursday 6.5.2021. I was on study leave from 1.5.2021 until 4.5.2021 and was quite disheartened when I knew of this. Did we not push for earlier date? This is a tumour case, the earlier you diagnose it the better it is for the kid and family. Besides his hypertension, he was stable. With a mass that big he could bleed anytime. 

Anyhow, CT done on Thursday 6.5.2021 and we straight scheduled him for biopsy on Tuesday 11.5.2021. We sat waiting for the report over the weekend and the report came back today Monday 10.5.2021 as a neuroblastoma with local infiltration and lung, pericardial, bone, peritoneal, cervical, abdominal node metastasis.

He underwent biopsy, bilateral BMAT and I inserted his chemoport on Tuesday 11.5.2021. We discharged him the next day Wednesday 12.5.2021.

On a full working week we might get the HPE by Friday and will give TCA the coming Monday 17.5.2021, but that Thursday is Eid Fitri. Will the HPE report be ready by then? Onco gave him TCA on Wednesday 19.5.2021 instead. 

In conclusion, nauzubillah if anyone precious to me has a cancer scare, I will do the CT in private and get the images sent to the government surgical and oncology team. 

tomorrow i will buy you a new sim card and a basketball

what do you want to do with your life

i dont even want a life