Day idk already

"Harith tak nak?" Fadhly asked me.

"Tak boleh, sebab adik aku nama Harith. Sebiji ejaan. Jadi incest gitu."

They made wtf faces.

---

"Okay aku nak ngorat kau la." I looked at Fadhly once and then looked away.

---

They dropped me off and then suddenly Syukri called me out from the car.

"Tiqah, tu Shahmi MO Ophthal."

I turned to see who he was gesturing at. The guy looked skinny and small. Can't do. I faced back Syukri to see what was his point.

"Dia single lagi. Kau tak nak dia?"

I stared at him for a second, saw Fadhly's stupid grin from his driver seat and I broke into a grin. Aku nak yang sebelah kau was what I was gonna say, but I just shook my head and walked away. Enough for today.

---

Fadhly and Syukri were both annoying and I kept on glaring between the two of them. Fadhly because he left me straining the was-120kg dead-weight patient alone and my wrists hurt for real and Syukri because he's never not a bastard.

"Kenapa Tiqah?" Fadhly grinned at me when he caught me glaring. The nerve. Was gonna say just because I like you doesn't mean I don't want to kill you. But I shook my head.

"Aku tak boleh nak decide nak tikam jugular kau ataupun jugular Syukri."

Priya helped. "You have two hands, do both at the same time."

---

Stupid Syukri hinted to pair me with Hadija wtf I'm straight. "Orang Bugis minta hantaran RM30k."

"Aku ada RM30k. Kalau orang Tumpat minta berapa?"

The both of us turned to Fadhly. "Tahu Pali. Orang Tumpat minta berapa?"

there's so much that we can do, and then there's some

One of the earliest chronic patient I encountered in Lahad Datu was this gentleman named Atan. His nephew was also one of the last patients I have in Likas. They were videocalling when Atan mentioned my name to his sister-in-law who immediately recognized me.

Anyhow back to Atan. He had a fall years ago and was bedridden since. Non local, unemployed and divorced. He came to us because of suprapubic pain with hematuria and we found a huge ass stone in his bladder. We irrigated and transfused countlessly and finally explored the bladder to take the menace out. Post op he recovered somewhat well considering his kidney was failing.

He was puffed up, still hematuric, renal profile was climbing, malnourished and his POD 3 wound had a small gap. But we have removed the stone that was causing him pain and now he wanted out.

"My bill is 20k already, are you going to pay for it?" He asked me.

Of course I'm not. I couldn't and I shouldn't. So we discharged him at his own risk.

I punched out for the day and heard my name being called. It was him in a wheelchair and his sister at the lobby. He pointed out at his abdomen, where his SPC was leaking hematuria.

"Is this okay?" He asked me.

Obviously not, I thought. I should open the dressing but we were in public and I am not touching that with my bare hands. Should I wheel him back to ward? I looked at him and I knew the answer already.

 
"What do you want to do?" I asked him back.

He went home that day. Much later we heard the news he passed away. He was with family and I hope he was happy in his final days. Al-fatihah Atan.

Running on Voltage

I wanna whine how exhausted I am.

Monday noon. Nenek passed away. I took the 4.10pm LDU-BKI and 6pm plus BKI-KUL. Arrived KUL at 8.30pm and Mira drove us to Melaka. Arrived at 11pm.

Tuesday came and I think I slept at 2am. Woke up at 5pm. Funeral day. Evening went to Semenyih, Chik's. Crashed at 11pm.

Wednesday today. Woke up at 3am. KUL-SDK flight at 5am.

The hours don't count because the sleep was shitty. I needed to stay awake, in case I sleep and miss my SDK-LDU flight. Couldn't sleep anyway, there's something about sleep deprivation that ironically prevents you from sleeping. I needed coffee. Refused to pay RM6 for a regular Nescafe at the airport so I chose to pay RM19 for a large Voltage at Gloria Jean's.

Maybe I'm dehydrated. My head hurts.

Almost 11am. Read through the work updates, saw a 9 years old admitted on Abang's oncall Monday with prenephric collection in septic shock. Perforated appendicitis? It's always a perforated appendicitis unless proven otherwise. Saw they operated the kid yesterday and today planning for Medivac to Likas.

Called up Syukri asking if the kid sent over yet. I was hoping to read the files. He said kid just sent over.

He asked when I'm coming back. I said I'm waiting for my LDU flight. He said to call him and he'll fetch me from the airport. I thought walking back from the airport might do me good, I should shower pray and sleep all afternoon.

He said there's a PGU going in soon and I should join.

That sounds like a bad idea and I'm tired as shit, but I'll do that.

I brought home a betta fish

Walk this with me yeah?

I bought a male betta fish today. It's red and orange with specks of blue.

It's alone in it's 15cm tall, 7cm diameter plastic bottle and I put a mirror on one side. But this guy has been swimming up and down agressively like it's manic or something, before calming down for a bit. I wonder if betta fish gets crazy from being lonely.

I haven't name it yet. I was thinking of naming it Lobster because it's orange and I can say I have a pet Lobster. I asked friends on Instagram and Kudus suggested Sunshine, quite aptly named except it's a male and a manic one. Nisa suggested Fury and yeah, suits it too.

Maybe I should name it Youngbae because it's small but agressive and it's coloured like the sun (Taeyang).  

Day 3

My surgeon on MC today and she messaged in the group "Atiqah please go see the patient in SCN, if need to discuss with Mr. Mughni."

Ah damn. I'm here for General Surgery rotation but as warned by Ms. Hazlina I might be pushed to cater the Paed Surgery cases.

Anyway I went to the SCN alone today. Made friends with the MOs there, I only remember Kelvin's name because he walked me through the cases we were referred to.

And then by PM all of them were aware there's a Paed Surgical trained MO here.

"Wahh senang la nak refer lepas ni!"

"Jangan gitu, aku sini untuk General Surgery rotation. Jangan bagitahu Faizul!"

"Aku bagitahu semua orang sekarang."

Boleh gaduh gini hahaha.

They have a ward adopted child. A five months old kid with HIE. Her mom was a primid who passed away from PPH or something. PMC, family abandoned the child after knowing her poor prognosis.

She looks clean, good built, too thriving actually for a five months old. Chesty a bit haha. Need more frequent suction. The MOs had her on their lap while they were doing discharges.

I think I might snuck around just to coo at her. Gonna ask her name cm.

---

Lunch with the boys again. Us MOs in charge of 4A. We ordered and the three idiots pulled out their phone and started a game of PUBG. Hahaha.

I've been friends with Syukri since my fifth posting O&G, where he was a third poster but longer in O&G than I was so he was my senior then. He's annoying as hell, talkative as shit and he knows my family haha. Bastard is Hadi's junior in USIM. He's the one who convinced Mr. Mughni to send me to Lahad Datu.

I have to credit him for how liberated I feel now that I'm in Lahad Datu. I'm more loose and laid back, I feel lighter. Probably because he's known me since HOship so I can use my HO persona now, not the stuck up worried MO I was back in Likas. Also probably because I'm just a new MO here in Lahad Datu, "first day" as I will tell everyone. Nothing to lose.

Arif is a two months MO here and he's two years younger than me. He's from Melor and he did his housemanship in Sandakan, imagine that.

"Kau lari dari awek di Kelantan ya? Pastu kau tinggalkan awek lama di Sandakan, sekarang kau ada awek Lahad Datu pulak kan?"

"Wow macam mana kau tahu!"

"Berapa orang dah awek Lahad Datu kau?"

"1, 2, 3, 4 kosong."

I laughed. We were just messing around. I call him Abang because he's two months senior than me in General Surgery but he calls me back Kakak and insisted he's most junior. Eh jangan berebut boleh?

Day 2

Woke up to Luqman asking me how LD is treating me. I told him briefly about my first day.

Kicked my colleague because that damn Syukri said "gemuk juga ya kau ni" effing so so annoying.

Skipped lunch to send mom to airport. Sobs.

Went straight back to the hospital and did a trucut biopsy before I even observe one.

Spent almost 4 hours in ward resuscitating a urosepsis with four other MOs. We're so single, lifeless MO district.

We're done and they promised me we'll all go out for dinner but the idiots are now rooted in their seat playing PUBG. Idiots I'm hungry I want my nasiiiiiiiii.

Atago-san

I suggested we go to Atago-san because of the Hakata Bay view from up there. Also I wanted to try their fancy matcha kakigori, and the fact that Atago Shrine is symbolic of fire protection. I've been in a fire, so yeah.

We hiked up there. Luqman was smoking all the way and I willed myself to not pant. With that kind of chain-smoking how the hell is he still so fit?

We went up to the shrine and I washed my hands per their routine, adding on my own face washing. I stopped in front of the water area and admired the fact that all religions advocate cleanliness.

The view was admirable. I bet sunset and sunrise here be pretty, because it's a hill facing the sea for sunset and behind it is the mountains for the sunrise. I'll come here again next time for those.

We went to the shrine's fancy Japanese cafe. Luqman had azuki mochi and hot tea like the old man he is, smoking again. I had the matcha kakigori with azuki bean that I wanted. It came with sparklers and it was a pretty summer. I took a video of it.

The bitter sweet of the matcha paired with the fulfilling azuki beans. There's a specific taste to their kakigori, salty a bit. And the ice shape. They looked like Christmas. I heard they're made from hot spring water or something.

Perfect summer.

Luqman paid for our tea. It was more expensive than our brunch. He asked me if I know of this place and their menu. I gave him a smirk. Of course, what did he take me for?

Today I had Green Mug with Mizah. I didn't want coffee lest I couldn't sleep until 2am again, so I looked at their non tea selection. Yeah their red tea is nice.. oh wait they have matcha.

"I'll have the matcha with cheese please."

Making LD official

It was super easy to get the Pengarah to sign my letter of posting in Lahad Datu.

"I don't really understand this but if you want to do it, then you do it. Thank you for serving the people here and in Lahad Datu. It's good that you want to be a lady who can cut."

"Actually my parents aren't really approving." I was referring to me going to Lahad Datu.

"Me too, I wouldn't let my daughter be a surgeon." He laughed.

"If you think this is something that you can do, then you do it. You will need the skills to pass through exams and do your best."

I left his office soon after. So jovial this Pengarah. Now what do I do with this letter?

I can never say that you don't care

"Did you get your umbrella? Don't leave your umbrella again."

"How are the trainees? Are they bullying you?"

"Are you home?"

"Did you meet your brother?"

"Did you get to post your parcel?"

Things I wish I can talk to my dad or my Boss about

Pa, I'm not happy here. I don't know if this is depression talking or what, but I'm not happy.

Because of that, I'm not doing my best. And when I'm not doing my best, I become not proud of myself. And I'm lagging behind in progress at work and it shows.

All I ever want in my life is to be happy and live proud. Which I am neither at this moment.

I want to quit. But what do I do if I quit? It's like in a toxic relationship where you don't leave because you don't know where to go, you don't know if you can survive without the other. I know that, maybe that's why I want to quit.

If I'm not quitting then I need to leave. I can't wait to leave this place. If I can leave tomorrow I'll just go. But leaving needs paperwork and moving things and God, why only good people die early? Why am I not one of them?

You texted me today and my eyes watered thinking how should I say this to you. You're not here, you'll just be worried about me. And I don't know how to help myself what more what kind of help should I seek.

The thing that you texted me was about that pre-Master program exam. How about that, dad? How can I tell you I want to quit when you're sending me a pre-Master program exam flyer? When you told me "might as well take it".

I wanted to ask you if you'll still be proud of me if I quit, but I know the answer and I don't want to disappoint you. You'll still love me either way because you're a good father and I'm your daughter, but I'm sure you'll be disappointed even a little bit. Even I am disappointed in myself.

What do I do? I want to cry, maybe I'll feel better. Maybe this is depression talking, but why am I depressed? Can I not handle stress? How did I survive Egypt if I'm succumbing to this?

And I hope Allah will make me happy as much as I'm making someone else happy

Here again. I'm here, staring at the empty space to write. Should I tell you about my day? Let me just tell you how it ended. It ended with me sad. Alone and sad. I was then wearing a mask because I was sleepy postcall but then I was grateful I had my mask on because I was sad.

There I was at 5.30pm. We finished rounds and everyone left to go home, but I'm OT tomorrow and there were six patients waiting to be taken consent from.

I was postcall. I was sleepy, tired, I only had a cup of coffee and two curry puffs all day, and I still have work to do.

I kept trying to calm myself but ugly thoughts ran through my head. It's my responsibility anyway because it's my OT tomorrow. I didn't get any help and I didn't ask for any help. I don't know how to ask for help.

The worst thing is that, when I'm oncall the OT people leave the consent taking to me. That's what made me feel so lonely and sad.

So I stood there silently with my mask on and tears gathering in my eyes.

Date me #2

I came to work today and after rounds with Boss, Mijah called me if I wanted nasi lemak or scrambled eggs. I laughed sheepishly at her. She's pampering me.

She later showed up at my ward with a bag of McD. I was heading to PSICU but I let her in the MO room and finished my coffee and hash brown while she finished her nasi lemak. She just finished her rounds with her boss and due to go home for a sleep. Haha. We finished our breakfast joyfully, then I hugged her and we parted.

She texted me when I was in PSICU saying she wants to crash in my oncall room waiting for her referral case. I said sure.

After I was done at PSICU with Munis, we walked back to our ward. Munis's postcall stuffs still in the room. I remembered Mijah so I told him

"Oh. Dalam bilik MO ada tetamu."

Munis looked excited. We walked up to ward and I ran ahead of him to heads up Mijah that a guy is entering, but the room was empty. I blinked at it and back to Munis.

"Mana tetamu Atiqah?"

"Entah." I grinned and ran off to the counter in case she was there, but she wasn't.

Munis joined me at the counter. "Siapa tetamu Atiqah? Yang Elango kata tu ke?"

I blinked before I realized his implication and I laughed. "Bukan, lain."

"Lain gender?"

I shook my head. I kind of like the idea of it. "Malas la explain." I laughed.

Munis looked on funny and gossiped with the counter nurses about my boyfriend. He went back, but soon he came back to the ward saying he forgot to take his laptop. He was deliberating in front of the door so I told him

"Masuk je, takde orang."

He grinned at me. "Mana Atiqah sorok tetamu ni?"

I laughed at him.

Later after I got a moment to finish my breakfast, I realized that's probably how doctors date. Stealing moments to care for each other.

Compensation

When I tell my friends I'm going to Lahad Datu, they all pity me because it's so far. Not their fault though, I do actually feel sorry for myself. I do feel a tiny bit (okay, a lot) cast away, far far away.

But duty calls. Whatever.

And they always tell me "maybe you'll find your jodoh there."

Like really, everyone is saying that. Like that's the only compensation I can and should get for being cast away so so far away. Haha.

I guess it's true. I hope so. I do want to meet you. I can't wait to meet you. I want to have dinner with you. I also have work to do, but I can't wait to meet you.

---

On another note. I'll write about my 29th birthday later.

Date me

My registrar Elango once saw me coming to work with my ring on and he asked

"Eh Atiqah are you married?"

"Nope." I replied with an echo, dropped my bag and went to round.

Since then he has been pestering me about my boyfriend and getting me to admit I have one. I really wish I can but I don't lie, lies are complicated to remember.

So today my other registrar Munis asked me if I can switch my Sunday oncall with his Saturday oncall, but I told him I can't because I've already make plans. (I am going hiking with Nisa tomorrow.)

"Her boyfriend is coming tomorrow." Elango took a shot with a grin in my direction.

I decided to humour him. "Yes he is."

"Your boyfriend is coming?" Munis asked in elation.

"Yeah that's why I initially didn't want to take Vebster's Sunday oncall."

"You should go somewhere, get your boyfriend to cook you something."

"I might." I nodded. I was imagining Seungri being all domestic. Hahaha.

We went back to rounds and Elango kept pestering me on where I am going because he wanna go there and pester my date hahaha like I'll tell.