211021: in today's episode of Going Where You're Not Supposed To

Ms Haz said if I think my life now is huru hara, it is way more huru hara when I enter the programme.

She didn't exactly encourage me but she told me I have nothing else to do anyway and why did I went to Lahad Datu if it wasn't to pursue Master (I hitched and almost told her the truth of wanting to get away from the drama that was Likas). She signed my contract form as a witness, but her words has been subtlely telling me to think about this. 

She told me to ask my MOs namely Luqman. 

"Well Luqman didn't suggest. And he didn't respond when I complained to him."

She nodded. "Luqman is a person who wants chill life."

Hadi said if I want to quit, I better quit now. Because it will feel worse when I enter the programme.

That's the thing. I can still hold out now. I'm overwhelmed but I'm doing things one by one. I'm checking boxes. I'm getting there, some day.

Should I quit on the basis of not wanting to get through the worst of it? I am lazy and I hate studying, I had a hard time studying for MRCS God that was the worst for my mental health. And I have no reason not to pursue Masters other than because I hate studying.

Reasons to pursue: well there's plenty. There's no use for a mere MO in Paediatric Surgery. 

just an email

Help, I'm feeling overwhelmed again.

I'm at home. We're heading for kampung the day after tomorrow. I've to print some documents and pack my bags. There's the verification slip from UM that I still haven't received yet, my colleague has. I just realised so today and have emailed to UM for confirmation. It's a Sunday so probably they'll reply me cm.

It's just that, I think. But I'm over my head. I feel like running away now. 

I need to calm down. Help. Where's my safe place here? 

dancing dangerously in the moonlight

Smooth, kind and polite easily mistaken for interest, sadly non committal. That is us with each other. We don't change. 

Our game of beautiful full moon is a dangerous one, whenever it happens it make me do things I shouldn't do. Like texting you. 

And now that you know I'm coming and with your promises of free lunch, I sincerely hope our path doesn't cross. 

buaya mengkabung

Today in clinic as I wrapped up my review, I saw that my patient was from Kg Mengkabung, Tuaran.

"Mak, rumah kau tepi Sungai Mengkabung itu kah?"

"Iya doktor."

Excitement level raised exponentially. "Kau ada bot sendiri kah?"

"Kami ada doktor."

I was then grinning giddy out of my seat. "Ada nampak buaya kah baru2 ni?"

"Ada doktor. Dua ekor mereka depan rumah kami. Orang kampung kasi makan."

I was running out of my cubicle "Misssss patient kata depan rumah dia ada buayaaaa" but then I remember my teammates are not fond of crocodiles. Also I'm a doctor and we shouldn't be running in clinic praising God for crocodile sighting. Anyway the mother was obviously amused.

"Minggu lalu aku pergi sana ada pakcik bawa naik bot tapi tidak pula aku jumpa buaya."

"Ada nama mereka tu doktor."

Ada namaaaaaa? I wanna make friends! "Nama apa mereka?"

"Si Gagah sama si Siti."

Wth hahahahaha. 

things ms haz said to me as she signed my contract

"Hidup awak untuk 4 tahun seterusnya ni akan huru hara. Awak akan berdepan dengan situasi yang mencabar prinsip hidup awak, corruption and unfairness. Asalkan tidak bercanggah dengan prinsip agama, asalkan awak sedar yang awak tak boleh kawal situasi tapi awak boleh kawal reaksi diri sendiri.

Selagi mampu, teruskan. Kalau tak mampu, jangan huru harakan hidup awak." 

"Tidak perlu menabung RM10 sehari 4 tahun untuk beli binocular Swarovski. Dapat tunggakan gaji bila awak lulus nanti awak boleh beli 2 biji binocular terus."

atiqah dapat master UM

Thursday, 30.9.21

I was oncall. My calendar said HLP result was today. Ahh bad mood already. My old MOs and friends asked me if I got it and some even congratulated me for getting in because we have small fraternity and they knew already. I was just trying to avoid the inevitable and told every one of them

"I'm oncall. Bz."

Which I really was. 

Friday 1.10.21

Still busy. My surgeon told me to go check while we're waiting for patient to be induced. I went and checked but all the hospital computers couldn't access the website. Whatever, got work to do. 

Near 4pm, Pali texted me asking "any good news?" 

I told him I had a busy oncall postcall and will check later. And then I said "will update". 

I got into my car and checked. God, why. I'm accepted into UM. I then texted Hadi that I'm accepted. And then the family group. And Pali of my result. Then I called dad and mom. And I called Mr. Mughni. And then I called Mr. Tar.

And then I sat in my car thinking why the hell did I tell them. I should just kept it to myself and then reject it. Now they know, I can't not accept it. 

Whatever. I'm not accepting it yet. I habe until 15th 5pm to do so. In the mean time, let's go masuk hutan first. 

Saturday, 2.10.21

Kinabalu Park looking for trogon. Heard it but didn't make contact but found hair crested drongo and a Borneon whistler, a spotted ground snake threading the trail in front of me and many leeches. 

Sunday, 3.10.21

Oncall. 

I went early to dress the burn kid in PPNR OT ICU because I wanna talk to Abehe. On the way there I talked to myself, what is it I'm hesitant about. Am I scared? Of what? Of studying? God I really hate studying. Of being asked questions during rounds and cannot answer it? And embarrass myself and my parents and surgeons? Ah. 

So I told Abehe I got UM and I asked him for advice because I'm hesitant.

He told me to go for it because if I reject it, I wouldn't be able to take it for another 2 years. He said to go for it, because I wouldn't know what I couldn't do until I do it. 

"Semua orang pun malas study sebelum masuk master. Dah masuk memang takde option lain dah."

I later went to clinic to settle my oncall claim. Ms Haz walked in from her lunch and saw me and

"Atiqah! Ooo dapat master tak bagitahu ye! Sombong!" 

"Busy oncall.. Busy postcall.. Busy masuk hutan.." 

What could I tell my HOD when I couldn't even bring myself to accept it?

And then this afternoon UM sent an email and when I read the notification I audibly gasped everyone looked at me asking what's wrong. Fuck it I haven't accepted the HLP yet UM sent an email already. I then turned to them and bowed. 

"Saya nak mengumumkan bahawasanya saya dapat Masters."

The staff nurses were happy for me. I'm like, what? 

shasha calling me out for whatever closet that i am

During Malaysia's Day I went for kopitiam with Shasha. She saw Emperor Penpen in my car and asked if I like cartoon characters. So I told her Penpen is Junho from 2PM and she's like

"Ohh so you're a Hottest!"

She was dropping names like "Uri Jib" "Heya Hae" and damn this girl knows. But she said she likes girl group better.

"I like guys."

"BTS?"

"Too cute for me. I'm talking about men. Older men."

"Manly men?"

I gave a sideway look. She knows. She definitely knows.

"I like their newer songs more actually, since Michigo Aniya era till now. Their songs are getting-" 

"-Perverted."

I couldn't turn fast enough. Damn she's calling me out hahaha. "I mean better." But hey that works too.

I've actually been running Jun K songs nowadays. It just crossed my mind to see Slip and Slide translations and bro... This dude really been having fun eh. 

goodbye Benji sweet boy

Last night, I started my shift with the news of our Benji passing in the COVID ward Melur 1. 

I didn't feel anything actually. Mostly just concerned regarding his cause of death and whether we played a major role in contributing to it. If I were working with the team I would have asked Boss about this, but I'm in COVID rotation now. Anyhow I continued my rounds.

Then Meryem texted me asking if I'm still at the hospital. I think she might have thought I was AM shift instead. So I told her I'm PM and doing my rounds.

She asked for a favour. For me to return Benji's blanket to his parents. She took it last time to get it laundered and never got around to return it. She left the blanket in our MO room.

So I excused myself to Kah Yin, telling her I'm going to Melur 1 for a bit to say goodbye to Benji. I took the blanket and went down. 

Benji's parents were in the COVID side hallway while I stood there at the edge 4 meters away from them. The donned SN passed the blanket to them silently. The parents were masked on, looking solemn but calm.

"Mak. Jessylah, saya Dr. Atiqah dari Pembedahan Kanak-kanak." I paused awkwardly, my voice almost shouting. "Takziah dari kami."

The father thanked me. The mother observed the blanket she received.

"Saya pulangkan blanket Benzion. Dr. Meryem ambil haritu untuk cuci."

She nodded. I shuffled on my feet. It was uncomfortable. 

"Jaga diri ya."

She nodded again. I bowed slightly and left. That's when Meryem message came in asking me to send them her regards. I hesitated. I did mention her name and said condolences on our behalf. That should be enough? I should get back to Melur 3 for passover and night round. 

So I left. In the elevator ride I thought how awkward, cold I was. A child died and that's all I said. Well what else would I do differently? I don't know.

I don't feel sad because I saw this coming since the day his bowel perforated few days ago and all we could do was insert a drain for him. High support with almost inaccessible IV line, his death was imminent. But now he is no longer in pain and he is going to heaven. He's in a much better place now.

It's us adults who have to answer as to why this happen to him. 

lose things

I'm losing stuffs and can't think of where I left them.

My external harddisk. It's 1TB or something and it's empty.

My extra charger.

My favourite red Captain America shirt.

I'm old and scattered-brain but I'm not stupid. I usually put my stuffs in particular places so if they're not there means they're not there.

The only place I could think is I probably left them when I went to Nexus Resort. But really, did I? I don't know. 

miss has faith in me, but she shouldn't have

Took a long drive today to Tenom. Up there on Kimanis I saw an eagle so close, but it was actually me being high up on the hill near to its nest. At a glance it looked like a serpent crested eagle as it swooped down into the lush trees. And then the view of the sea was so far away but magnificent nonetheless.

Coming down I saw a stretch of cloud over the town down the valley. My breath was taken and downhill was ominous as per every time I drive through a forest shrouded in the clouds. 

Down down down. The small town of Tenom reminded me of Limbang and the journey out reminded me of Lahad Datu with the hilly road and palm oil estates. My landmark has always been health facilities, and the farthest accessible on a sporty compact car via asphalt road was Kuala Tomani and thus where I headed. I blasted to Michigo Aniya and I realised this playlist should be renamed to Renji Club On Wheels. 

Fiery red rambutans hanging heavy on trees. I was tempted to stop by and pluck them but oh hi there long tailed macaques. 

I stopped somewhere safe to check my map. If I head west I can reach Brunei. If I head straight south I can reach Indonesia. I have my passport with me as usual. Where should I go from here? 

Nisa texted and suggested we go for lunch. So I headed back to town. 

postcall dimaafkan buat onar

Got intus malam2. MO ini pantas resus patient, ni macam long segment ni. Call MO Radio kasitau nak buat USG reduction awal pagi esok. Ambil consent siap2 untuk reduction dan laparotomy. Resus all night.

Datang pagi dan ready untuk tolak patient ke bawah. Surgeon tanya dah ambil consent untuk laparotomy? Sudah, OT list pun sudah saya lengkapkan. Surgeon angguk tanda bangga bagus budak ni.

Surgeon tanya mana borang USG dia nak counter sign.

MO ini bukak mulut nak jawab then tergamam. Oh hahaha aku lupa tulis form! The heck everything done, OT list isi tapi borang USG takde. Surgeon turut gelak bersama, nasib baik ada penjarakan fizikal kalau tak belakang aku sudah kena hempuk.

Teammates yang lain pantas tuliskan borang ultrasound sementara dua orang ini gelak mengenangkan apa la nak jadi. 

a hypothetical 5 years old Junho who when asked to come eat, screamed back "it's none of your business!"

I'm gonna get two cats and name them Seungri and Junho. Seungri is the black and white chatty cat. Junho is the judging fierce cat but is actually a clingy softie. I imagine him warm coloured and regal. 

Two cats because they can play with each other and not be that lonely, since I'd be busy.

But heck I am just barely keeping myself alive, all my plants died and I've had 3 turtles, 3 fishes and 2 chicks died under my care. What would become of two cats. 

I've been finishing ward's floor stock of piriton

Last week I had a bad case of allergy. I started itching over my back and noticed welt marks over my neck and shoulder and my legs. All over them. Belatedly only I realised I had the same marks across the entirety of my back. I didn't went into any forest prior to the lesion appearance so I thought it was bed bugs. I cleaned all my linen and it hasn't gotten worse.

It started to dry up over the past week and I didn't put anything over it. I don't like local creams and it's systemic anyway. IV hydrocortisone will just upset my stomach plus it's delayed anyway. Too much hassle. I just took Piriton almost every night.

Only that it's really drying up today. My back is scaly, like I'm molting. And when skin is dry, it itches. I remember the advices I always tell my burn patients. They need to apply oil on the drying lesion so that it remains moist and doesn't itch.

I feel like scrubbing my whole back and oil it down but ahh how. 

today is my last 30

I thought I'd do one of those TCA Review but I got bored and couldn't think of any recent answers. Except my favourite time now is 2PM.

What's going on nowadays is that 2PM made a comeback. I've long known of their Hands Up thus equated them to party people, I know Taecyeon and Nickhun but that's about it. I've never known anything more. 

You know how old my playlists are, and that I rarely bother to keep up with new songs but this one, I don't know, this comeback resonates with the 30 years old me. Their Make It exuded a different level of sexy masculinity vibe, so much that I've never thought the game Kiss, Marry, Kill could apply to me until now and I'd fluidly answer Junho, Nickhun and Taecyeon to that. And save me, Lee Junho is the first person in the entirety of my life that I describe as fuckable. 

It's wrong to objectify a person, I'm sorry Junho but I'm not sorry... Them promoting them as sexy masculine is downright a great bet. Take all my money, you have my dignity anyway. I'm gonna go to hell for this. 

Cleansing my thoughts with this. 

Ah but really, vibe aside, their vocals are no joke. Jun K has the most soothing soulest tenor ever and I like how his song-writings are poetic. Never did I thought I'd enjoy soul jazz so much I played his solo albums on repeat. Albums, not a single song. That's how good he is. 

Dr. Alexandra Solomon said - liking a person makes you human. Letting them know makes you brave. As such, my aim for the coming year is to fast everyday or go jogging everyday.